Transcription
Well, hello! It's been so long! A long video. It's been long, long months since there was a long video, because I was lazy, because, you know, the weather was nice, and I went out, buzzed around, walked, went to the beach. I guess I really tend to make long videos when I don't feel like going out. The weather is bad, it's cold, I'm freezing, I have all sorts of problems. I can't stand the cold, I can't stand the heat either, as I get older. I had a BB hat on today. It kind of pushed my head down. This is how I look. Anyway. You didn't love me for my beauty. And what I've wanted to thank you for for a long time, my dear followers, firstly, that you are the cutest follower base in Hungary. Truly, you are the most abuse-free environment. And from this follows B, which I want to thank you for, that you don't usually bother my appearance. This is a miracle, really, that I truly think you can love me from the bottom of your heart, I mean, close to 100%, because of course some people don't like me, don't like me, but the vast majority, we see that I really thank you for not usually commenting that I'm fat, I'm ugly, my teeth are yellow, my nose is a trumpet, how I look, what my face is like, but you don't usually badger me to death about my appearance. So, for this, you probably really have to love me. And in the last 15 years, I've savaged myself so much that in reality, you can't tell me anything new that I haven't already said about myself. Well, I cooked about 75,000 liters of lecsó for my wheelchair-bound buddies. Last year, I accidentally said that if you need any food, feel free to ask, I can cook anything. Well, and now the time has come when, with teary eyes, one of them said that, well, I hear that you would need to cook some lecsó. There were two problems with this, the lecsó and the cooking. That is, there are three or four, at most 10 dishes that I hate. Lecsó is in the top three. I've probably tasted lecsó only once in my life. I don't like lecsó. I don't eat lecsó. I hate lecsó and I don't cook. Plus, I've never cooked lecsó in my life. Because I hate it. Of course, one doesn't cook a dish they won't eat, they throw it in the trash. So this question came up: listen, Viki, can you cook lecsó? And then it was completely obvious that yes, because of my brilliantly creative Aquarius nature, I can really cook anything. Very much like beef Wellington, marinated venison loin, you don't know, vanilla-infused ball of ice, salmon on a bed, I don't know what. But I'm good up to pörkölt, I'm good up to pörkölt and breaded meat, then master levels, you know, like vadas and not. Not there anymore, but like a basic intermediate level, like a C c1 c2, I mean C, that's the language exam now, not that. So I said, of course I can cook lecsó. I've been cooking it all my life, day and night. I can't even cook lecsó, but I said, of course, if my wheelchair-bound buddies say, make lecsó, I'll make lecsó. If they say, climb Mount K2, then I'll climb it. But fortunately, this is a smaller challenge than lecsó, because I wouldn't run a marathon either. So today I went with the guy, I bought tomatoes, the tomatoes of my life, tomatoes this big, I think they were grown in Chernobyl. Tomatoes this big are completely unsuitable for lecsó, I think. Anyway, they were expensive. I bought 8 kg of them, and lots of peppers, and onions. We carried them up the mountain, the two of us, we almost died. Because when I cook, I have this transgenerational trauma, probably, that cooking is like for 100 people, so it's not like I cook one or two portions, but then I take out this huge pot. Ah, Fradi lecsó, everything in it. So I chopped it up small, onion, tomato, pepper, fat, stuff, I threw the lecsó in there, I think it cooked. Well, I cooked the tomatoes and peppers to hell. It's not exactly brain surgery, this lecsó, you know. So it's really not that hardcore. When my husband came into the apartment, he said, what nice smells. He likes lecsó. We've been living together for seven years. You never said you liked lecsó. Of course, since I've never cooked lecsó in my life, he had no chance to say he liked lecsó. The apartment is full of the smell of lecsó. He likes lecsó, he wants to take it to work for lunch tomorrow? Well, well, take it, because there are still enough tomatoes and peppers left that I'll make another batch of lecsó tomorrow, and then I'll deliver it to my wheelchair-bound buddies on Thursday, and I really hope they like it. And then later I have a pörkölt order, but that's easy. Like rice dishes, pörkölt, these are the ones that go, but I really don't usually cook, because we order food delivery, not every day, but you know, this pre-selected menu thing. Ah, it's convenient, and relatively cheap too, because with cooking, it takes a hell of a lot of time, then your husband eats it in 10 minutes, you wash dishes, ah, let's order. I'm a lazy person, I optimize, but now I've cooked the lecsó, so there's a very good lecsó smell in the apartment. I'd say I'm going to dive into it and eat some right away, but earlier I just tasted the juice, that it's salty, and then I said, okay, so lecsó and I won't have as big a love affair as rice dishes. Well, that's enough for an introduction, about how my life is going out in the world. Today it's a walk plus lecsó cooking, or rather, today I set out for a walk and put on pants, I'm sensory. This manifests in several ways. One is that it matters what material of clothing I'm wearing. I think it doesn't matter to anyone, they just tolerate it, or I can't tolerate it. And it's a perfectly fine cotton. It's not even my shirt, or my husband's. Anyway. I put on sweatpants, the weather forecast said it was 25-26 degrees Celsius and cloudy. I said, okay, it must be cold. I'm continuing. I put on sweatpants, firstly they were tight, like after 60 washes, maybe I bought them a bit smaller, I don't know, or I gained weight. They were itchy, and I walked halfway. I said, I can't take it anymore. I'll go into a mall and buy myself pants, because I messed this up. So I ripped off these itchy pants, and the most comfortable, softest material was pajama pants. So this afternoon, anyone who saw me in town saw me walking around stylishly in pink Hello Kitty pajama pants, as I usually do. So that happened today, and then in the afternoon it finally got a bit cloudy, because it's a great thing in the summer to bathe three times, so I bathe in the morning, then I go for a walk, then I come back, then I bathe again, then I don't know. So I bathe two to three times a day, change clothes two to three times, I hate sweating. Among other things, this is probably why I don't exercise, because of laziness and I hate sweating. But the fact that it's sticky running down my skin, but I really hate sweating, I really don't know who likes it, there must be someone on the planet. I hate sweating. And I sweated all summer, because I walked all summer, because I'm a silly child, my husband instilled this wanderlust in me years ago. And since then, I've had wanderlust too. I operate in a poisoned mouse mode, I look out, the weather is good, ah, I have to go for a walk. And I went for a walk. And it was hot. Well, that's it. So, Hello Kitty. Hello, Kitti. That's where we are. Well, yesterday I posted a good-looking photo of myself. I don't know, it was taken in the early 2000s. I weighed 92 kg, now I weigh 73 kg. It's very hard to maintain 73 kg. I see that it won't go down any further, it's stopped like Gerej. I really long for 65-66-67 kg, but I've found that I would have to starve for that. And I can't starve, and I won't. So I weigh 73 kg, please. I maintain it. Sweets, cakes, sugar, etc. are reduced. No late-night binge eating, no ordering food in the evening. Eight-cheese pizza. Among other things, because I'm lactose intolerant. So pizza is out, I know there's vegan. Anyway. That's it for the weight thing. Oh, no, then I'll answer in two videos about something. You asked how I lost weight. I've already said this, but I'll say it again, you won't guess. So, what I do now is I have an apple for breakfast, I've become addicted to apples, because an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I eat one apple a day, or two. I ate two now. So in the morning I eat an apple or a banana. I don't think bananas are part of any diet, but anyway. And there are these seeds, you know, you can buy almonds, cashews, walnuts, peanuts, trail mix. Well, and then the thing. And at noon I eat like a horse, and. The problem is that it has rice, potatoes, breaded meat, pörkölt. So I eat a lot. Plus, of course, vegan sour cream, because I'm addicted to sour cream, but now I can only eat vegan sour cream, since I'm lactose intolerant. And I eat until 1:30 PM, and then it's over, and in the evening maybe a little apple, and a few more seeds, but no cooked food in the evening, no bread, no cold cuts, no big binge eating. And this is how I maintain 73 kg. Sometimes I slip into 74 kg. I pay close attention then to 73 kg. When I managed to get to 72.8 kg, I have to change lunch and remove the rice and potatoes, but not anymore. So, everything has its end, my dear children, to lose more weight, you would have to keep the meat for lunch, and instead of rice and potatoes, either diet bread, or vegetables, or something, but eating too many vegetables makes me really hungry after a while, plus I get bloated, plus constipation. The point is, approaching 50, realizing what's good and what's not is not a simple matter. So, weight loss is not brain surgery. I think rice has a lot of carbohydrates, calories, and potatoes too, and sweets, and sugar. Well, I try to reduce these. So really, I haven't eaten anything like this for 1000 years, there haven't been any cakes, but there haven't been nice sit-downs in the little cake shop. Okay, yesterday or the day before yesterday I ate a chocolate snail at 12 PM, because, you know, so I don't eat late carbs and sugar, but basically I try to avoid these. In the long run, of course, I can't live without some kind of sugar, but say, no chocolate. Or if there is chocolate, a little dark chocolate with a little coconut, a few bites, but that blocks everything. So, I probably have insulin resistance, as the smart people say almost everyone does. My body can't process sugar. If I consume sugar in this body, I immediately get bloated, fat, weight loss stops, I don't pee. So sugar is like it's propping me up from the inside and blocking everything. Metabolism, digestion, weight loss, everything. And if I don't consume sugar, then I can nicely shrink. Now, it's very difficult, because coming off sugar is a bit like coming off heroin or I don't know, cola, that sugar is a bit addictive, and carbohydrates, the brain screams all day for sugar and carbohydrates. Well, it's not stupid, whose brain screams for steamed broccoli and mung bean sprouts. So, of course, the brain needs carbohydrates, sugar, energy. And then the brain has to be convinced that, oh, it's good instead of that, apple and organic carrots and I don't know, and then the brain looks, no, buy yourself some chips or a chocolate bar. An eternal struggle with cravings, and that's what I entertain myself with. Probably the sugar needs to be adjusted, or the insulin. I don't know about it, I'm not a nutritionist, and I never will be. Don't email me, I won't read it. I'm telling you now, you can write a little guy. Oh, Viki, I saw your video. It will land in the trash immediately, I won't read it. So I'm stubborn enough, and I'm on such good terms with my body that I'll figure it out, I'll adjust what's good, what's not, but I don't need advice, and not about blood type diets or my little dick or sesame oil three times, leave me alone. Take care of your body, but I don't need advice. I need advice when I ask for it. I don't ask for advice, so don't give it. But sometimes I do ask, and then you give it. Well, this is not the case now. Okay, so I don't want to receive 413,000 emails from all sorts of nutrition gurus who claim they know the truth, because they know my body, they took my blood, they know my thyroid, my hormone balance. You are strangers, so. Well, that's it for weight loss. So, whoever wants to lose weight, consult a professional, because I'm not one. I don't know about this either. Probably, it works for many people. Common sense, if you don't eat so many carbohydrates and sugar, you won't be so fat. But I have an acquaintance who devours carbohydrates and sugar, and she weighs 53 kg, so I'm handling it, I don't know about it. Well, that's it for the introductory gastronomic part. And then let's get to what you asked in the comments. This is how influencers usually start. Many of you asked, but now really, two people asked in the comments, so I decided that this is already worthy of a video, two people, how I recovered. Well, first of all, I don't consider myself completely recovered. So, that I'm mentally okay now, I embrace that. But who the hell, so, I'm not sick, and I don't feel sick, and my husband doesn't suffer from me, so I'm probably not mentally ill, or I don't know what. How did I get better? Well, I think I have all sorts of videos about this, but it wasn't a one-stage thing, but a multi-stage story. Let's see what helped. First of all, collectively, the backbone of my life, a large part of it, I don't know what. My grandfather was very important in my life. My grandfather was very important, he is still very important today, even though he died 21 years ago. So my grandfather loved me well. He was a very special person. He had a lot of love in his heart. I don't know how, where he learned it, or where it came from. My grandfather loved me very much, and I loved my grandfather very much, even now, I mean, while he was alive, I hope no kind of brain defect takes him away. My grandfather was important because he looked at me with sparkling eyes, and he could love me unconditionally, purely, like clay. It's partly thanks to him that I didn't develop some personality disorder, or that I wasn't permanently distorted. So, on the turbulent, wavy sea of my life, my grandfather was a lighthouse for 27 years, so I knew where north was because my grandfather was stably there. This helped a lot, and I've heard so many stories in recent years about how many people a grandparent, grandmother, uncle, aunt, anyone from their environment, whom a child can grab with their tentacles, helped, that it's good to finally have a fixed, stable point, who has empathy, can listen, and invests time and effort in me, that this is important in life. Just one such person, a blade of grass. Well, I had my blade of grass. What else helped me a lot is that my parents were not addicts, so my mother and father didn't drink, didn't use drugs, and generally didn't smoke. This was a damn good genetic start, that I didn't become an addict, so to speak. I smoked for 20 years, I've quit again for a good while now, but I wasn't a classic addict, so if I ran out of cigarettes at night, I didn't care, I didn't go after them, I could never smoke in the morning. In fact, I could never physically tolerate cigarettes. I'm such a weakling, like upper and lower respiratory, like wheezy, prone to asthma, and what do I know, and allergic, and. I take this allergy medicine for ragweed. I struggled with these cigarettes, but in reality, I could never tolerate them, they never felt good. I coughed from them, I couldn't smoke much. I felt my veins constricting, my legs became varicose from it, which has now passed. So, no, wow, I couldn't tolerate smoking, but as I said, I wasn't that type of addict. Of course, that's also a nuance, there are many kinds, but that it's all in the head, you know, for someone whose addiction is greater, as if this addiction disease has taken them over, that cigarettes didn't fill my life, that I really didn't rush after them, if they ran out, they ran out, I quit for three years, then for another three years, now for half a year again. Now I feel like I don't want to smoke anymore, because I'm so glad my lungs have cleared up, because I've been sick so many times since the pandemic, five or six times, I almost died, so at the last one around March-April, I thought, if I ever smoke again, I'll cut off my own hand with a jigsaw. So, I'm lucky, because really, that's it. I've never drunk in my life, I think I've been drunk five times in my life, there's no alcohol at home. Then I'm lying, because sometimes they bring it. I don't know why it's rotting here. I don't drink at all on weekdays. I never had it at home. However, I have no business with alcohol. I have no business with drugs either, because I'm terrified of them. I can't even tolerate coffee, or tea, because I'm also sensitive to caffeine. So, it's a great luck that this classic addiction, dependency, drug thing has skipped me. That's good. With this, I've already overtaken 95% of Hungarian society. I can't help it, I was born with it, but it's a good thing. So, what else was needed for me to reach my almost 50th birthday with a sound mind? I had to leave the environment that made me sick. Because many people want to get well where they got sick. So you always have to leave that family, that workplace, that relationship that makes you sick, because you can't get well in a sickening environment. Unfortunately, this came very late for me, almost in my early 40s, but when I left that environment, which was terribly bad for me, I started to get better very steeply. This definitely contributed to my recovery. Starting in 2010, blogging also contributed to my recovery, because I received attention and love from you, which truly heals and is truly important, because I have something to hold onto even if I don't see this crowd, and in my head, it's always that, well, about 10-15 people like me, and then sometimes I see that there are more. So, for me, this is strange, you know, it's not an equal footing, that I've been writing and talking here for years, and you're on the other side, and we don't even know each other, but the number is so large, that follower base. But it's a very asymmetrical, very uneven thing, but when I started blogging in 2010, I was not sure, 33 years old, and attention and love, adoration, which I hate anyway, but I'd rather say attention and love, that also started to heal, and writing itself, and attention too. Of course, psychotherapy, which helped me immensely, that is, individual therapy, which I attended, psychoanalysis for three years, twice a week, or group psychodrama, I don't know, 150-2000 hours. my own groups in the past more than nine years, so that my individual self-knowledge based on my own experience or group self-knowledge has healed a lot, that the fog has lifted from my brain, my husband, who has been a great help in the past, now in our eighth year, we've been together for more than seven years, so constant stroking, kissing, hugging, and support, that he's always in a good mood, always laughs, always smiles, that I can do what I want next to him, really, that I go there, I travel there. I think if I had eight lovers next to him, he wouldn't care. That he is also a very free, very supportive person, that he has helped a lot and helps a lot. So this was also necessary for me to be well, because physical touch was very much missing, you know, gentle touch, stroking, we die without it. Well, what else was needed for my recovery? Well, good quality human relationships, security, which is also thanks to you in recent years, I had a workplace before, but since 2016 I no longer have a workplace. I hope I never will again. I am an entrepreneur, which means I run groups, I teach, so I teach non-violent communication and a bit of boundary setting, or content creation, online marketing, social media, what I do when, I live from this, I issue invoices, because I'm terrified of prison. What is also very important is that I have an incredible desire for freedom, also Aquarius, for those interested in astrology, or who like it, freedom is my top priority. So, and as I get older, this becomes more and more important, that I can tolerate idiots less and less, I can't function in a hierarchy at all, so I can't function in a subordinate relationship at all. So I can no longer tolerate being told, have a boss, someone to lecture me. So I only try to think in equal relationships, which is obviously incomprehensible in Hungary. Everyone thinks in a hierarchy, either someone is above and you have to suck up to them, or they are below and you have to oppress them. An equal and non-violent relationship, this is understood perhaps in developed Western societies. So, yes, I don't fit in very well. I have integration problems, but I try to connect and integrate, but I don't really find my people. Although there are so many cute, lovely, valuable, smart, creative, brilliant people in Hungary. It's important that there are many good-hearted, kind people in this country. But really, as I said last time, they usually either don't want to be friends with me, or mothers don't have time, they don't like me. That's also a variation. Someone can't stand my face. So, mostly these were needed for recovery, and perhaps what is most important, that I really wanted it, that from early childhood I felt that something was wrong, and not that something was wrong with me, but that something was wrong with my environment, and I always felt, this will be the narcissistic part, that I am special, and chosen, well, like a little messiah complex, you know, I didn't always feel that I was creative, which is true, because I write, make videos, films, I don't know, children's books, I always keep myself busy with something, that I always felt that I was creative, and special. I think everyone is special and unique, but I felt that I was truly special, and that I know that I'm weird, but weird in a good way, so not sick-weird, but weirdly valuable, you know. So, I had this, and I didn't want to accept that this is all my life, that I'm feeling bad like this. Well, I felt bad for a long time, I date it to around the age of 14 when my psyche collapsed. So around 14, I started to realize that something was wrong with my environment. The downward spiral started very steeply then. And then I think around, well, 40, I'm still a fresh chick. So around 40, 42-43, so, well, about 20 years, not 30 years, maybe, but about 14-24, so about 25 years. I'm 48 now, and in that, 25 years wasn't too good. Probably more than that. And now in recent years, I'll quickly knock on wood here, that in recent years have been damn good, but this is the peak, really, so now I'm physically at my best. At least that's how I feel, who knows in the meantime. So now I'm physically at my best, now I'm mentally at my best, mentally, spiritually, creatively. So I feel that now is the greatest reign, so now is this reward path, the deluxe. I'm trying to enjoy the Rocky Balboa successes on the mountaintop, who reached the thing, and then, and from here, probably the decline will come. But I hope I still have, I don't know, maybe 10 more years, oh my god, say, until 60. That would be good. And then from 60 to 90, you'll support me. I've already picked out a retirement home where I want to go, and then towards the end. So, that's about it. But I was very motivated, and this desire for freedom came in handy, and I always went against the highway, but don't imagine that I was a deviant child, because a teacher once put it perfectly: Viktorian knows exactly where the boundaries are, and she goes up to them, but doesn't cross them. So I wasn't a sociopathic child, nor was I a troublemaker. But I really couldn't stand it when they barked, commanded, gave grades, tested, held accountable. I couldn't stand the restrictions. I was never a yes-man. I always wanted to understand everything. That's probably why I majored in philosophy. I wanted to learn to think, I wanted to be smart. Well, that didn't happen in the end, but I wanted to, but I didn't want to remain stupid. So I wanted to be well-read, I wanted to be educated, that didn't quite happen either. And I wanted to know what was going on in the world, and where I was, and who I was, and if all this that happened to me could really happen with impunity. So, I really wanted it, that's important. And that I didn't just suffer, but the engine was really running inside, that I wanted to be well. So, which is one of the most important things in recovery, is motivation, how motivated you are. And I was motivated. And I didn't let it go. And there were a few milestones in my life, and then there was the low point, around 2012-13, that's when the low point arrived. So, that's there. It wasn't a moment, but a day or a couple. So, that, you know, 10 years ago, I felt that I couldn't be in a worse state. So, now is the point where I'm completely crazy, I'm in a terrible state, I suddenly lost 25 kg. Probably because I stopped taking the medication I had been taking for 10 years. Probably that wasn't good, and I got worse. Anyway, I have a video about that too. It had hormones in it, I don't know what. So I suddenly lost 25 kg, I don't know from 90 to, I don't know, 65, roughly. And I was in a life situation that overwhelmed me, and there I felt that I was going to fall to the other side, so now I'm either going to fall into the dark abyss of madness, or and then I formulated it and said to myself in my head, or maybe even out loud, that I can't hold any more pain and trauma. So, I felt like I had put up a "full" sign, and then I said to the universe, listen, it's full, so there's no more. So, from romantic disappointments to financial ruin, to a terribly toxic environment, to toxic environments, to bum jobs, and physical, health, mental, brain complete breakdown. And then I said, that's it, that's it, that's it, I'm full of shit up to my hair. So, if I go out on the street now and a drop of rain falls on me, then I'm done, so here, thank you, I'd press the red button, and check out of this system. I can't hold any more, this is the end. And as I said that, the universe heard, or I don't know what, and lifted me up, and since then there's been no shit. And so, I really, I really fantasize, or I experience, that I'm in a pretty good relationship with my body and my inner workings. I really feel my hormones, my digestion, my platelets, my veins, my. So, I can monitor myself pretty well internally, or I don't know what it's called, and I can download information, this isn't some psychic thing, right? That I have some access to this big collective internet, which is invisible. And then, and then there was that low point, and then it ended, and then came a better job, then came a new home, then came a new neighborhood, so everything started to come new and very good. It was like I had been constantly beaten, and life was dragging me by the hair and kicking me, and everything was shit. I was depressed, I had panic attacks, overweight, asthmatic, my hair was falling out, rashes, no relationship, no sex life, no self-confidence, I hated myself, I constantly wanted to die, shit, piss, vomit, I was done, really kaput. Hello! And lecsó, and! And at one point I felt that it was over, that I had run out, and I really saw myself internally, that there was no more space on the shelves. So, that I was so full of trauma and bad things that I couldn't store the next one anywhere, because it was over, and from then on, nothing bad came. That was probably the bottom of the whirlpool, and there was a crossroads there, that there could have been that I would have fallen to the dark side, so I would have gone crazy, I don't know what happens neurologically, hormonally, medically, I don't know how it works. There I felt that the bar was vibrating very strongly, that I was either going to stay in it and continue into madness, or death, or something miraculous would happen, and someone would pull me out of the shit, and then and then came the possibility, we can call it a miracle, only I don't want to say that, so don't expect that, oh, it happened to Biari Viki, because miracle-expecting people annoy me, because we feel that behind the miracle, so to speak, there was some self-work already. So, I didn't sit passively and wait for a miracle, but by then I had already done a lot for myself. And then the rapid ascent began. And then I say, I left all sorts of toxic environments, and got rid of all sorts of toxic people, oxygen started to flow in, I started to go to therapy more seriously, I've been dealing with psychology since I was 18, so for 30 years, and this meant a lot of books, and lectures, and even when I was 20, I went to various therapies, individual, group, art, inpatient, outpatient, I don't know what. But I started seriously in 2017 with individual, and then group, or both together. Well, and then, and then, and then these many, many small things started to come together. But I felt, my astrologer friend told me that at 36, there's a big turning point in life. And for me, really, this 36, this around 36-37, it was really like the first 36-37 was quite a tough ride, and from then on, it was like everything turned upside down, and my life started to be good, really good salary. I've never been able to save in my life, and I still can't. But I got paid so much that I didn't need that much for my then standard of living, and I was able to save money, because I didn't spend as much as a lunatic. So for the first time in my life, I was able to save some money at the end of the month, and then I saw that, well, there was money left at the end of the month, because I didn't spend as much as, I didn't buy stupid things, for example, that's not a bad thing. And then new people started coming, who are not yet very good. And then it kept clearing up, clearing up, getting better, clearing up. I also worked on it, therapies, conversations, my own groups, really. Don't misunderstand. I didn't hold self-knowledge groups in this semi-crazy state, because in 2016, I wasn't that amazing, I only held writing courses and online marketing, not self-knowledge groups, because I always felt where my competence limits were. So I only started doing that when, on the one hand, I had already been in therapy a lot, and on the other hand, I was well. So you don't have to be afraid, I haven't ruined anyone yet. And these are short, one- or two-day events, and they don't involve physical tasks or trauma processing, so you don't have to be afraid. Now I only teach non-violent communication, and writing, nothing like that, family constellations, psychodrama, somatodrama, I don't do that. Okay, but you can call me a quack, and that I don't know anything, or what about this, it's usual. So, that's okay with me. Fortunately, I know what I do well, and what I don't do well. So, for recovery, you definitely need a change of environment. So, if you feel that you've been feeling very bad for years or decades, say, at home in a marriage, or at a workplace, you won't get better if you stay there, you have to leave. And then it begins.
The problem is that people, you know, don't come. I didn't come for a very long time either, so this won't be victim-blaming, but rather that many people don't come because they can't because of this brain fog, and because they are so webbed, manipulated, and blackmailed, and they can't get up, they can't leave. That's why you need to find a psychologist, so you need external help to discuss this. And the psychologist isn't needed to yell at you, "Come on!", but rather for you to realize the feeling that, "Oh damn, maybe I'm not in the right place." So, you're not looking for an instigator, but an empathetic person who listens and clears your head a bit. Because I also couldn't leave that environment, which was bad, for a very long time, because I couldn't see, I couldn't see, because my brain was so scrambled, and trauma bonding, and Stockholm syndrome, and now I'm throwing all sorts of nonsense around, that I didn't have the internal possibility to leave, because I couldn't see the way out. It's like I was running around in a labyrinth for decades, and simply, I couldn't see where the exit was, because it was dark, and this is not my fault, this is very important. And for me to start seeing the light, it was necessary that I had the opportunity to move a little further away, and then I could look at it from a little further away. So, I had to change my environment. So, if you feel the same as I do, and many people suffer from this, then just remember what I said, that you absolutely have to move, or leave that workplace, or whatever, because where you are every day, and what poisons you every day, you can't think clearly. It's damn simple. It's also good if you go on vacation for a week or two, just to be a little further away. It's like a cult. When you are in a cult, and I mean cult in a bad sense, there are good cults, or these little groups, associations, but there are these bad brain-sucking things, like being in an abusive environment. I won't start talking about abuse because I have 400 videos about it. Watch my big red and white video-sharing site, because while you're in it, it's really like a cult, you can't see, you can't hear, there are no tastes, no smells, no colors, that this woman describes so well in her book "Hidden Abuse for Healing," this brain fog. And for you to be able to see a little, it's great if you go on vacation for a week or two somewhere, so that the fog clears a bit, the background noise doesn't bother you, you are this or that, you owe everything to me, so that this continuous toxic broadcast quiets down a bit, and you can go a little further away and take a deep breath, that this freedom, and this fresh air, and for this, I definitely think you need a helper. So, without individual and group therapy, I certainly wouldn't be sitting here now, sharing my wisdom. So, I needed someone to believe what I was saying. And I believe and profess that 50% of healing is that someone believes us. And it doesn't matter who, and it doesn't matter what their qualifications are. So, it could be a coach who has completed a two-day training. It could be a kinesiologist, or a curse remover, theta healing, pranic, I don't know what. Their personality is important, that you start telling someone and they believe you. So, that someone believes us, I swear on everything holy, that's 50%, because then the fog starts to lift from the brain when you tell someone your story, and it's not like, "Oh, but I'd like to hear the other side too." Well, you're lucky. Well, it didn't necessarily happen that way. Okay, well, cover it up, you're too sensitive. So, these aren't the bullshit cards that come, but when someone listens, and you feel they are listening, and they say, "Well, yes, that must have been very difficult for you." Yes, this is a difficult, stressful situation. What kind of help would you need? That yes, what happened to you is true, and I understand that it happened to you. This is 50%. And I was given this in both individual and group therapy, that they finally believed what I was saying. And it was a very defining experience for me, and I was almost 40 then, that they believed me. So, people very close to me didn't believe me for decades, and they brushed me aside, and trivialized me, and put me in the shed, and then strangers came and said, "Wow, that's not a small thing, what happened to you," to which I always thought, but nothing happened. So, we often go to therapy, "Oh, nothing big happened, I had a basically nice childhood." And then the therapist knows, okay, well, you'll be coming here three times a week for 10 years, so that helped me a lot too, when they just believed me, and no one coached me, and no one was my trainer, so the videos I make, no one did that with me, except that I became a bit more mellow in my old age, saying, "Leave it, go away," because I want to save you time, so you don't waste decades like I did. But I think no one can save that, that it helped me a lot that they believed me. And it was a defining experience that, for example, the therapist believed me, and at one point said, "Yes, that must have been very difficult for you." And I looked at them and thought, well, no invalidation, no trivialization, no victim-blaming, that it was my fault, that I'm ungrateful, or I don't know what, that I'm too sensitive, or not, nothing. This is important in life, that someone believes us. This is very important. But the most important thing, more important than anything, is the change of environment, which is moving, or leaving the workplace, or divorce, this moving away. The only thing is, in order for you to be able to move, because a person becomes helpless in a toxic environment. So, it will really be like those little stunned opossums, or I don't know what, they throw their legs up and I can't reach them. Now, this is difficult, and it was very difficult for me too, to take the first step from this lukewarm, stunned, can't move, can't reach state, and really have to learn to walk again. Until then, a person is in a toxic environment, they simply have to learn to walk again to be able to get out the door. But that's all. So, just focus on the threshold, and you have to cross the threshold. From then on, it's much easier, just to take the first step, you know, everything pulls you back like a hundred-pound weight. "Oh, maybe tomorrow." "Oh, but it's not that bad, really." "Oh, the outside world is so dangerous." "Oh, I don't have money anyway." "Oh, and the children," these pull you back like huge concrete sacks. And it's very important, this first step, that you have to be stronger than these concrete sacks, and cross the threshold, and say, I'm moving away, and it's terribly difficult to move. So, the environment can make us very helpless and stupid. So, we really look like incapable house plants from the outside, because they suck the life out of us so much and twist our reality so much that we don't even know what day it is, or what really happened, or what didn't. And we constantly think, we think we are to blame, that we are responsible for everything, that this is a long and arduous process, and the sooner everyone has a psychotherapist. From the age of 10, I say, don't give birth to psychopathic children, three, four, five children, and don't stay in an abusive situation for decades, but let the brain clear as soon as possible. So, it helped me a lot too when I was able to move away, and I remember my first breath. So, I moved to a new environment, I closed the door, no one was there, no one bothered me, and I took a breath, and then I felt for the first time that I was alive, I was 37 years old, 10 years ago. I said, I'm still young. Yes, well, I usually say that the first 40 years, well, I paid for them as tuition, but it came easily, it went easily, you know, I still have 50 ahead of me. So, the best years went into the drain with the "lecsóbatokkal" (a Hungarian dish, likely used metaphorically here), which I regret quite a bit, and I'm angry too. I mean, not at myself, but at those because of whom this happened. So, I want to save you this, that we don't have time, there's no "Oh, well, then 40 years of tuition." There isn't, and there aren't 40 years. And it's good that today's young people, at 10 years old, already know from social media and everywhere that "toxic" and "red flag," and "poisonous," and I don't know what, so maybe they'll escape this, I have no idea. So, our generation couldn't escape it, there was no internet. So, for healing, I really needed a change of environment, I really needed psychotherapy, I really needed a group, because the group heals. Go to groups, because it heals, whether it's psychodrama, or somatodrama, or if you regularly attend family constellations, bodywork, whatever it's called, folk groups, Zoom, I don't know, going to a community heals. Even if it's an art therapy group, it doesn't matter, the community, the energies add up noticeably, and the community hits hard. I feel it in my groups too. When there are 12-16 women there, doing an exercise, it hits much harder when so many well-intentioned, kind people come together. So, this is also very important. Also, indeed, they say that suffering is the best motivation, and that suffering is what brings people to therapy, because typically we start to change when we are already suffering, because there is a period of suffering, "Oh, it's not so bad yet." "Okay, maybe next year." "Oh, maybe when the children are older," and you know, this dawdling goes on, and then I usually say, "Alright, you're not suffering yet, it doesn't hurt enough yet." And then there's the point that truly arrived for me too. Around 36-37, which arrived for me, is that the plate is full. So, I was filled with so much suffering, and this can be trivialized. You, obviously, things didn't happen to me that I was beaten, raped, tortured, right? So, it's not these things, but traumas did happen to me. And there's no trauma competition, but I just want to clarify that it wasn't like that, but there was indeed emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. My life isn't the worst by far, so if I had to rate it between zero and 10, where zero is the hardest trauma, and 10 is like Jesus, Buddha, like this nonsense, I'll repeat. So, zero, so on a trauma scale of 0 to 10, zero is that nothing bad ever happened to them, just happiness, love, cloudless bliss, 10 is war, abuse, violence, I don't know what. Then mine is a five. So, of course, I talk a lot, and I've written a lot about how many bad things happened to me, but the older I get, and the more human stories I hear, and it's important to listen to human stories, for example, in self-awareness groups, the more I realize that what happened to me, and actually, I'm lucky. So, indeed, I wasn't tortured, starved, beaten, sold for money, tied to a radiator, beaten with a table leg, or an armchair, or a phone cord, there was no party at home, I didn't have an alcoholic, shouting father, but there are such terrible stories, compared to these, I actually danced through life, but obviously, I also went through hell, because abuse has a hundred faces. And what happened to me is trauma, and I obviously have CPTSD, I can't even say it. So, obviously, I am also post-traumatic, like everyone else, but who isn't in this country? Plus generational burdens, so I was also screwed up properly, and something will remain, I'll never be as pure white as this piece of paper. So, in one interview, I said that I am a very happy torso without hands and feet, but I really feel a bit like that, that in these first 40 years there was so much loss that I feel a bit damaged, like I don't have hands or feet. But this torso is very happy. But, well, there was loss, so it can't be erased with a clean slate, and there are my dreams, and my memory intrusions, and my traumas, and there's a lot of leftover shit in my brain, in my cells, in my muscles, in my fat layers. So, the body doesn't forget what happened to it, even if it only happened verbally, with words. So, the body, the brain, the cells, the hormones, they store everything, and there are therapeutic methods for that. So, when verbal therapy ends, or doesn't work, then the bodily therapeutic things come, with which traumas can be resolved and processed. If you're interested, feel free to look it up. But indeed, these bodily traumas, from somatodrama to bodywork, there are already many types with which bodily trauma can be resolved. So, indeed, in 2025, there are many paths leading to the Rome of self-knowledge. So, everyone has to find the person whose personality they feel is healing, and the method that they feel is healing. That's why I never recommend anything, because I don't know anyone. Well, who knows. Indeed, some people work through their traumas on Margaret Island, some heal with acupuncture, some with meditation, some with Reiki, some with cognitive therapy, who with schema therapy, or someone hula hoops, you know. The point is, you have to channel the shit out of yourself, and it's very good if there's another person with whom you can think together, and who can reflect back to you well, and ask good questions, and empathetically contain your feelings. That's why I'm such a therapy-loving person, and I still don't conduct therapies, and I've never conducted therapies. I don't have the papers for it, I haven't attended such a school, and I don't want to, and I don't want to be a psychologist either, just to tell those who don't have qualifications. I'm thinking about what, and to what. So, I don't conduct psychology, I don't conduct sessions, I'm not a psychologist, and I don't want to be a psychologist. I'm very interested in people, I'm very interested in the soul, I'm very interested in human relationships, and the world. I don't want to study a year of statistics at university, or I tried individual coaching, I don't know what, individual sessions, but it wasn't comfortable for me. I realized that I'm a group person, I like to lead groups, and not even deep self-awareness, but I like to share wisdom the most. Everyone should go to long-term therapy and get healed there. I don't sell healing. Everyone has to forge their own path. So, roughly, what hindered my healing? Now that I've said what helped me. Toxic environment, toxic people, people in bad shape, dragging friends down, dragging girlfriends down, constant complainers, depressives who always had to be carried, whiners, complaining, life-weary, embittered people, idiotic colleagues, idiotic bosses, bad jobs, lack of money, so these negative black things, and this affects everyone, so these don't build, these are... Oh, and the guys I picked for myself, and that one was more idiotic than the other. None of them wanted me, they all just used me, I mean, as a emotional garbage can, because there was no intimacy, but that it's good to talk to me, because I'm interesting, and I don't know what. And I didn't realize this, it took me many years to put myself in this role of a savior mother, a nameless friend. For me, this feminine thing is completely stuck. I don't really deal with it. I'm not feminine. I don't have a feminine aura. You don't need to write comments or messages saying, "But you do." So, no. I don't consider myself feminine, I've never been feminine. There's a reason for this. Things happened to me that prevented this from developing. This "Look at me, I've arrived, and I'm unpacking the cans and rust." So, I'd rather hide and rather not be looked at, and be broken. This is also a separate story. I don't know why I said this now, or how it came up. Oh yes, because the idiotic guys also didn't do my self-confidence any good, and obviously they also felt that this feminine vibe, feminine aura, or I don't know, I'm not the type of accomplished woman. So, yes, so roughly these hindered me. Oh, and I took medication for 10 years that was bad. Incidentally, even that happened, that despite this, I am pro-medication. So, I strongly support people taking medication, because medication, if well-adjusted, can save lives and help a lot. So, I hear stories that someone, I don't know, hasn't left their apartment for years, and is extremely anxious, but they are anti-medication. Well, then. So, there are already many preparations that make life quality much better. You can leave your apartment, you can do your business, maybe you're even happy, so that "Oh, but I'm anti-medication," this is real bullshit. But there's already a video about this, because this has pissed me off a few times, hearing women say, "Oh, but I'm anti-medication, but I'll take any crap," you know, from Cataflam to painkillers, and then going for plastic surgery, and getting a boil, etc. But when it comes to mental health, "Oh no, I'm anti-medication," well then, kitten, well then, fuck you, well then be miserable, and. So, this is nonsense, you don't have to be anti-medication. I could be anti-medication, because I suffered with a bad medication for 10 years, and if I were to scream foaming at the mouth about how anti-medication I am, it would be credible, but even I say I'm pro-medication, even though I'm completely, as I am. So, I got better, partly by leaving this out, when I stopped that crap. I stopped it. Obviously, I felt like I was dying, because of withdrawal symptoms. So, that medication completely fucked up my mother. I couldn't read, and I had to drop out of university. So, that medication brought me down from life, and I took it for 10 years, and for 10 years, I mean, I was like a zombie, and when I stopped the medication, I slowly started to feel better. Even though I thought I would die if I stopped. So, I have terrible experiences with psychiatric medications. The worst ever. So, the 10 best or most important or most valuable years of my life were taken by bad medication adjustment. And despite this, I say it's worth experimenting with a good psychiatrist, very important, with a good psychiatrist, under regular control and supervision, to see how you can get better. This is important because medication can help a lot if it's well-adjusted, and obviously it can harm and destroy a lot, as in my case, where I was neglected, I took what was prescribed, and I didn't even go much, they prescribed it, and I thought I had to take it, because I thought I was so bad because I had panic disorder and depression. Then, 10 years later, I realized, oh, I would have healed long ago, I probably wouldn't be taking the medication. So, those 10 years, and it wasn't my responsibility, because I was young, so obviously my environment should have paid attention to this, but I was good, stupid, sick, and everything. So, fuck everyone, and despite this, I am pro-medication, and I'm not stupid. So, this exists, and that I fucked up immensely with this medication, or this person called a doctor, or that they prescribed something wrong, or my body reacted badly, it was a bad match, me and that medication. Obviously, I should have taken something else, or not taken anything, or my environment should have changed, it's all the same in retrospect, but don't be anti-medication, really, because sometimes it saves lives, sometimes it saves quality of life, sometimes it brings people back to life, and it's not always like, "Oh, but I have to take it for the rest of my life," and then women come with this drama, "I have to take it for the rest of my life." Yes. Obviously, when you have a migraine and take Algoflex or whatever, you also take it for the rest of your life, so you don't need to be in such drama and theatricality, "for the rest of my life." Medication is a crutch. You take it as long as you limp, then you throw the crutches in the trash, and you walk on your own, like before. So, this is not, I'm not anti-medication, and for the rest of my life. I hear such stupid, flimsy things. You don't have to. It's completely valid and justified if someone has very bad experiences, impressions with medications, like me, that's okay, but at least they tried to do something for themselves, and their medication was poorly adjusted. I might even tell them, "Look, change psychiatrists, go private, their health is worth any money, and find a psychiatrist who clearly knows what they're doing, and then give it another chance, maybe it will be better then." I don't know. Well, that's about it. But everyone feels this for themselves. I'm just saying that you don't necessarily have to rot. So, let me give an example, what if my husband died, one of my biggest fears is that my husband will die one day. The very first thing I would do is get a prescription for medication. The very first thing. Well, you're crazy. I wouldn't go through that pain with a sound mind. The very first thing I would do is go to the dear psychiatrist lady, and I would tell her, "Uh, I'm broken, I've gone crazy, prescribe me something," and then I don't know, I'll come for therapy three times a week, and then I don't know, in a few years I'll try to pull myself together, or not, I have no idea, but I would need that crutch, not a little. And this is not embarrassing, nor is it shameful. Anything can happen to us at any moment that is bigger than us. So, I also know that at any moment something can happen that will send me back to the start. So, that I'm sitting here, I have self-confidence, self-love, roughly, I have self-esteem, I see myself relatively realistically, I have a well-functioning relationship, I have success, a career, that this is such a fragile thing that it can disappear in an instant. My husband went to training this evening, stepped wrong off the sidewalk, a bus or a car, something. Goodbye! Now I have to go back to my little doll. I almost reached the finish line, I have to go back to the house and then wait for when I can roll a six again. So, human existence is very fragile, and so is the human psyche, so of course, I've worked out now, but either I go for a check-up and they tell me, "Dear Viktor, you have six months left, and you're riddled with cancer inside, full of tumors, I don't know." Do you think I wouldn't take medication then? I wouldn't be able to bear it. So, human existence is very fragile, all existence, I think, is very fragile. And sometimes we have to support it, and there's nothing shameful about it. We are human, we don't have to fight this whole life like an Amazon, but we can ask for help. And this is another story, that we have to learn to ask for help, because we are conditioned to fight alone, trust no one, life is a struggle, you have to endure suffering, and so on. Instead of teaching us to trust people, ask for help, how many kind people there are. Life is not a struggle, but you were born to be happy, you have the right to enjoy life, that we have never heard this. Yet, this is the truth. Not the first is the truth, but the second. But in this society, and, well, pure depression, alcoholism, anxiety, wreck, and almost everyone. So, someone comes and says, "Hey, why aren't you happy, what's the obstacle to being happy, why aren't you enjoying your life?" They look at them like they're crazy, "Oh, here comes the usual idiot." So, for us, abnormality is normality. We are such a society that, obviously, that's why I can't fit in for the most part, because, well, here, and here, so I'm too good for this to fit in. There was a time when I could fit into society so well. I was exactly as sick as all the other people. And as I started to heal, everything around me faded away, because the air is thinner here. And many people report this, that Viki, it's true that psychotherapy takes people with it. Well, I say yes. So, when you start self-awareness, it always involves loss, because you no longer want to connect with people who are in a bad state or toxic, and you start to crave equal, supportive, empathetic relationships based on mutual respect, and you realize that, well, there are two of them, and you used to have a large group of friends. You were always at the toxic family lunches. You felt great at the toxic workplace. Then something starts, you know, and then it's not good anymore. And then you see that you've been kicked out of here, you've been kicked out of there, you've broken off contact with this one and that one, and you're left alone, thinking, "Oh fuck, now I have to choose from these remaining three." But really, I used to have so many friends, and so many jobs, and social life, and chatter, conversations, everything. Well, here I am and my husband. And the rest are silent, so I'm also selective now about who I talk to, because I only feel good with very few people. And this isn't because I'm a narcissist, but because a conversation for me now is about having value. You know, I can't stand bullshit, I can't stand superficial chatter, I can't stand small talk in a deeper human relationship. Human stupidity tires me, empty minds tire me, it tires me if someone is unread, uneducated, has no vocabulary, can't write correctly, can't access their feelings, talks nonsense. I can't stand this anymore in my private life, that I want to surround myself with people with whom I can talk more deeply about feelings, thoughts, about normal topics for me, like psychopathic series. I can't talk to anyone about psychopathic series. My husband isn't interested. So, when we start healing, it's a grieving process. For me, it's also eternal grief. I've lost so many people in the past decades, and I can't stop grieving every single day. Now, this doesn't look like I wake up in the morning, "Oh, you know," and start crying, but at night, in my dreams, those many people with whom I had conflicts, or no conflicts, but we just drifted out of each other's lives. So, there are many people behind me with whom contact has been broken. Either they broke it with me, or I with them, or mutually. Usually, these are the three scenarios. And how many, how many people? And it's good that I'm not good with them anymore, because if you sit down and take out a piece of paper, and write down what these people are like, or what your impression of them is, then it becomes clear that these people had no love, they were not in good shape, they were not kind, they didn't go to self-awareness, maybe they wished me harm, etc. So, generally, people of the same type hate us. So, if you look at me, I don't have many negative commenters, but those who are ultra-haters are all the same. So, they are all equally unhappy, and they always write the same things, but they are visibly not in good shape, not happy people, so I can't take them seriously. And it's the same in life, that you look at the people who criticize you or hate you, and see how they are with themselves, how much they've gone to self-awareness, how much they've gone to a psychologist, how complete their lives are, how successful they are at work, how happy their relationships are, how good their family life is. And then the equation will come out. People in bad shape, with black glasses, they can only see you through black glasses, because they are black. You should be friends with white people. Well, that will be different immediately. Here come the empaths, the elves, the hobbits. I don't know the Lord of the Rings, but as I see it, the Lord of the Rings is a magical world, with Mordor, and. Well, that's Mordor, well, that's black. And then there's the elf and hobbit part, who are cute, kind, sensitive beings. I don't know, but it's great to unite, to support each other. That's how it will be. Well, I hope you managed to iron and depilate in the meantime. One of my favorite emails. Viki, I love your videos. I always depilate while listening to you, and when I listen to you, it doesn't hurt. And then I thought, damn, it was worth living for that. Someone depilates so that I reduce their pain. That's good, isn't it? So, yes, I've received interesting things in the past 15 years, since I've been making videos. I should make a compilation of the most extreme emails sometime, but I always delete them and then forget. Okay, I hope the stew has cooled down, and then I can pack them. Well, so, how did I get better? Well, I really wanted to, I was very motivated, very lucky, I still maintain myself. If I had to be born again, I wouldn't be born. And I'm not saying this because I'm deeply depressed, but because so far, there's been more bad than good. And now I'm extremely happy about the good, and I regret why this couldn't have been my whole life, and how little it would have taken for me to be happy my whole life. You know, it would have just taken an environment that was also in good shape and happy, which we usually don't get, that it would have taken so little for our whole life to be happy and suffering-free. And, no. And it really only takes for people to love themselves, have a helper, exercise, have joy for life, liveliness, empathy, that's all. And then there wouldn't be toxic people around us, but everyone would be kind, sweet, like elves, hobbits, and the whole planet would be happy. Instead, what do we have? And, well, this shit. Sociopaths everywhere. Well, yes. So, I'm glad that I was able to get from A to B in about 40 years. It was a long, bumpy road, full of a lot of shit, a terrible amount of disappointment. Lots of rejection, lots of falling on my face, trauma after trauma, being spun around, invalidated, ostracized, turned against, backstabbed, everything was shit for me too, just like for you. My life is no different. My only advantage is that I really wanted it, I really wanted it. I say this, which I formulated very young: I want to be normal. I don't think there's a category like "normal," and if they ask me, I'm certainly not 100% so, but the way I am now, mentally, spiritually, physically, it's good for me. And obviously, I'll look back at this video in 5-10 years, and I'll say, "Oh my god, what a state, Jesus, how stupid, how idiotic I was." I think I came to Earth to learn, and to grow, and I think everyone is born to Earth to learn and grow. And I really love and respect those people who want to change and do change, and don't wait for a miracle. Those are the ones that annoy me the most, the miracle-seekers. So, I like those who are like me, fighters, who want to change. The shit they have isn't enough for them, but they want to be in reality more clearly, better. That's a good goal. So, my whole life, I just wanted to be well. And the byproduct of this became so many followers, and fame, and I don't know what, I never craved this, but many people could connect with what I think, or what I feel, or what I write. And that's great. And it's great that in such an empty world without content, where indeed someone has 50 million and 500 million followers for doing things like, "Hi," that many people understand me, and that I can plant seeds of thought in people's minds, which they further develop, or how many people my videos have helped, and then they left the toxic environment, and got divorced, and quit, and you know. You write so many emails saying, "Oh, thanks, you know, that this is good karma," or they say. And I'm constantly learning, growing, creating, writing this, writing that, doing things, group sessions, trying to give my Jedi power, my Saraconor power to push girls, women. Go and
Do it, be happy, don't suffer, you are old already, silly day, don't be stupid, stand up, go to the meadow, and it happens that you go in, and it's good. So if someone told me, I don't know, 10 or 20 years ago, that listen, you will be well one day, I would surely laugh at them, but if they also added, not only that you will be well, but let's say you will be able to help half the country, then I would definitely tell them that you should be locked up somewhere. And what's truly wonderful here is that I was not only able to save myself, but I can help many people. And it's so great that I have so much vitality, or I don't know what this is called, this engine that comes out of me. So you see from my videos, when I get worked up, mostly because you don't have time. This is the most important thing. You don't have time. I don't either. I missed out on the child topic, because it's a separate trauma, a story, that I couldn't have children and I didn't have access to them emotionally. So overall, I have a very full life, or had one, which has been very good for a few years, but overall, there was really more bad than good. And I'm trying to enjoy the past, I don't know, seven, eight, nine years as much as possible. I don't know how much is left. I don't know when I will die. I don't know how much of this is left, but it was worth it, because because because it was very much so, that the best years are gone, I should have dated more, I should have had children early, I don't know, around 20-30. It would have been better to experience my body, relationships. It would have been better if so many things would have been better if I did so many things differently, but I can't go back in time. Many things went wrong, and I had no other choice. We play injured. Yesterday I watched a bad series, this one sentence was good in it. Yes, we all play injured, and truly life is such that we all play injured. And I also tried to get the most out of what was given to me, what surrounded me, and that atmosphere, and genetics, and temperament, even my eyes, I don't know, I'm also trying to maximize what I have. So this is far from perfect. I feel very lonely. I have always felt very lonely, even next to my husband I feel very lonely. And this is not the classic relationship loneliness, but somewhere in the depths of my being there was this thing, that how much a person is characterized by how they were born. And that I was born prematurely, and they immediately put me in an incubator. The incubator is this glass-walled thing where the baby is artificially kept alive, and they poked me with injection needles, and I don't know what else. And that for my whole life, this came out in therapy once, it was very interesting, that for my whole life, this, so that my experience with life is that I look at life through a glass wall, but I'm not in it. So somehow I'm always outside, and somehow I'm always lonely, and I'm here in life, and I try very hard to connect and build relationships, and be in life like this, but somehow I always feel that this incubator is there, and that I am somehow very much outside of all of this, and yet I can connect deeply, I can have deep conversations, I can be fun, I can help, I can cooperate, I can pump up my husband, so I can pump him up with confidence. He has also changed a lot in the past seven years. I have given a lot of my strength to him and his confidence. So he has also come together beautifully in the past few years. And it's great that I had and have the strength to pump up another person like a beach mattress, to keep pumping, pumping, get better, be freer, happier, have more confidence, you know, to lift the other person up like this, that I am capable of such things, but I don't really feel like I belong to anyone or anything. So this outsider pattern, or I don't know what, that I feel like I'm outside the system, outside the world, that I'm outside, and I'm trying, and then I always try to connect with disappointment, I try to fit in somewhere, I try to take the child living inside me to groups, and people, so that the little one living inside me goes to kindergarten and everything. And then for a while, these work, then they die out. So I have a lot of these things here, so I am far from perfect, and not everything is smooth for me either. I do what I can, I have no expectations of myself. I don't hurt myself, I don't want to achieve more, I don't want to be prettier, I don't want to be thinner, I don't want to be more perfect. I don't beat myself to death all day. I have flown further than I planned. So if I had any goals I set for myself, I've surpassed them. So I've overfulfilled the 100,000-year plan. I am satisfied with how far I have come and what I have become. And that I am not a bad person, and that I am not abusive, I don't ruin my husband, I am not evil, I don't provoke people, I don't set them against each other, I don't steal from them. It's a miracle that I didn't become evil. And I didn't become evil. Of course, I have such thoughts and fantasies, but everyone does. But in real life, I can't be directly evil. I can't set people against each other. I can't screw people over directly. I can't directly undermine others. I can't be mean, I try to live normally, morally, ethically. It doesn't always succeed, but the intention is usually pure, and it's good, and this is my grandfather's line. I am also lucky that I saw love, you understand, that I should endure this without crying, but I can rarely get through my grandfather's topic without crying. So I saw love, and not many people are given that, and it has a golden glow. of love. And anytime I heal myself, or my back pain, which I managed to get rid of, accidentally, so this is a golden and white color, but more of a golden light, only this makes sense. Only love makes sense, which sounds cliché, but everything outside the sphere of love is destructive. So I saw love, and there are sometimes these seconds when I have an epiphany, obviously in a cheap way, so this is not an EU standard enlightenment, nor Buddha, but sometimes there really are such moments, and it's only good to be in love, and only good to be in loving relationships, and everything outside of love is destroying us. And that's why there are so many evil, sick, pathetic, narcissistic, war-mongering people, because their mothers didn't love them well, and they fell away from the light or hearth of love, or I don't know what. That's all I wanted to say. Thank you very much for your attention. Go and don't suffer, as Lár would say, and go to therapy, heal yourselves, and love yourselves, because only then can you love others. Kiss! Bye!