[Tony Robbins] Mastering Influence Day 5: Connect & Create Interest

side of them go for it, so that's number one, and that's called caring. And it's pretty simple, but it's something you better remember every time you get in for four being in front of a prospect. Think about what you care. As I'm talking here, I'm thinking about what is it about these people that I care about, even if I haven't met them, so they feel that connection.

Second key: Give effective compliments. One of the quickest ways to bond with people is to really appeal to what's really important to them. And they want to feel like they're important. They want to feel that they're cared for. They want to feel like you see good in them. All of us do. I don't care how successful a person is, and I don't care how unsuccessful a person is in terms of emotions, spirituality, physical well-being, or physical beauty, or money, or anything. We all want to be appreciated. And if you're the kind of person who gives effective compliments, you can't believe what that does.

Now, when I say effective compliments, I do not mean flattery. And I can tell you right now, a simple way to make absolutely certain that when you give a compliment, it's not taken as flattery, it's real simple. It's a three-step process.

Step number one is: State the compliment. That is, tell them the compliment. Tell them something that you really, really like about them. And don't say anything you don't really feel. If you say something you don't feel, instantly it'll be clear to them that it's flattery, and it's not going to work. In fact, it'll work against you because now they can see what you're trying to do is manipulate.

Two: After you state with feeling what you really believe to be true about this person or this situation, second key is, you must justify it. If you don't justify a compliment, people, number one, don't get to feel your compliment because they kind of, they can't justify. They kind of push it aside and just say, "You're being nice," or "You're manipulating me." So you got to justify it. So the way you justify it is, you say, "Because the reason I say that is because..." So you give him a compliment, you say, "The reason I say that is because..." You say, "You know, you're one of the most attentive people that I've ever met. I mean, you talk about focus, you're incredible. The reason I say that is every time I look over at you, I notice you got your notebook right there and you're writing. You're one of the few people I see do all the time." Now it's a justified compliment, and they really get to receive the good you're trying to give.

Third key to being effective in giving compliments is: Immediately ask a question. "What is it that you do that makes you so effective that way? What is it that you do? I'm curious. What allows you to focus like that?" That shows you really do care, you really are interested. It makes them think about it and makes it more real for them. And three, you get to learn something, hopefully. See, my idea of compliments is an opportunity for me to express love to somebody or caring to a stranger in a way that's acceptable, while I simultaneously get to learn something, hopefully. So those would be three important keys to have in making those compliments.

Now, couple of notes. Number one, one of the best ways to give compliments that very few people really utilize is give third-party compliments. The other day, I was calling a gentleman up, uh, who owns a big satellite television organization all across the United States, and we're considering developing a satellite company of our own. And so I don't know this man, and I want to find out all kinds of things about the satellite business for our own research. Now, I could potentially be a competitor. But what I did was, I found out as much as I could. I prepared in advance. Step number one: I prepared. I found everything I could about this man. I called some people that I knew had had some association with him. And the question I asked them was, "What's great about this guy?" Because I want to make sure I like him before anything starts. I said, "What do you like about this guy? What's great about this guy? Tell me something about what are his values about?" And I heard things like, "Well, he's incredibly successful as a businessman, incredibly bright. He is absolutely about integrity. This guy, if he will keep his word with you, and he knows how to play and have fun. He's got a great family." I said, "Well, gosh, I have no values in common with him then, right? I mean, those are all my values." So all of a sudden, immediately I feel like I know this guy before I even call him. So I'm, I'm feeling great. So I'm prepared. It's easy to turn on because I can't wait to meet the guy. I have no call reluctance. Call reluctance comes because you don't know who you're talking to, and you don't know what benefit you're going to have or what benefit you're going to be able to give.

So I'm also, by the way, preparing how I can be totally honest with them about what I want to know and give him some value so he'll want so he'll reciprocate. What can I do to give him so he'll give me information that I want to know? And to do it elegantly and honestly. So sure enough, I'm prepared. I turn on. What do I do next? I got to make contact. I get on the telephone. Now I'm speaking to him directly. I've done everything right up in 10 A. All I got to do now is connect with him. And the way I connect with him is I say, "Listen, you know, before I called you, because I know your time is so valuable, immediately I'm giving him the honest knowing and feeling of, I'm not going to waste his time." One of the questions people have is, "Are you going to waste my time?" Because I want to make sure I didn't waste any of your time on the phone. When I finally got through to you, I did a little research on you, and I said, "I'm really impressed." And I was sincere. Everyone I talked to said four things about you. They said you were one of the most successful business people they knew. They said that you had absolute total integrity. That you were the kind of person that not only knew how to work, but you knew how to play." I heard him giggle when I said that. Immediately got him. And I said, "And you're incredible family man." And those are all my values too. So I can't wait to connect with you here, and I appreciate you're just taking a minute to chat with me. Let me tell you what it's about. Wham! Interesting. Immediately there. I said, "You know, and I asked him, I'm curious, and I asked him questions about what's made you successful." And I told him what I'm calling about. I said, "I could be a potential competitor someday, but I'm calling to find out what you're doing so that I can make some decisions so maybe I don't have to do that. But I'd like to know if you'd be willing to. And if, if in any way, you feel like I'm prying into your business, please tell me to shut up because that is not my intent. I want to be 100% respectful." After all that, guess what? I give him a reputation with up to with the compliments. I've let him know that other people feel good about him, which is even better than maybe me in some cases, because he doesn't know me. But hearing that all these people say things about that, that I took the time to find out about him before I called, that I acknowledge his time's value. Think of all the things that were induced there in just a couple minute conversation. And my voice and my heart is really open. And if he would have said, "No, I'm not going to tell you," I'd be prepared to go, "Okay, that's fine. That's absolutely your right. And, you know, I just wanted at least try and connect with you coming from that place." Then many times, I'll also turn him around, but I didn't have to go to that place.

So maybe make it a habit to give compliments. Make it a habit, not a habit that's on autopilot where you don't think about it, a habit where you are consistently looking for the good in people that you can acknowledge. It'll make you appreciate them more. It'll make you the kind of person that people appreciate. And also, you'll start getting compliments too. And I know that probably would really bother you to have people care about you and appreciate you on an ongoing basis. But if you could deal with it, remember the law of reciprocation. Whatever you put out is going to come back, and it'll come back manyfold.

I also would say to you, it's really excellent to give compliments yourself, third party. Meaning, give compliments to other people about someone. You compliment. Let's say I complimented Harvey McKay here. It's a very sincere compliment. He's a really neat friend of mine, neat guy. And I want to promote what he's doing. I want it to get even bigger. And so I give him that compliment. And what happens is, I know that it'll get back to him. As my friend, that's great. I want that to happen. And I want other people to know how great I feel about them. So I can accomplish multiple things in that process. Does that make sense to you? See, give compliment about other people, and you can't believe what happens. You know how when you say something not so good about somebody, how it always comes back to haunt you? Why not just always say good things about people and have that come back to haunt you in a positive way?

And the last thing, I guess I could say to you, is that don't compliment the obvious. Don't compliment the... If you compliment the obvious, the compliment is not appreciated. It, it has, in fact, it usually will revert against you. You want to be in a position where your compliments create a state change in people. That's really what we're going for, isn't it? And I would also say to you that make sure that when you're done complimenting that, or you're done with a meeting, that you immediately send a note of compliment, a note of thanks. That's one of the things that good salespeople do.

So what I'm going to do is, we're going to have you actually work at creating some ways to be able to care about strangers and also some ways to create some compliments so that you're carrying a bag of compliments with you, you can dig down in there and find just the right compliment that really supports this person sincerely. So let's take a few moments and do that right now.

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Great. So here's what I want you to do. Remember the steps. The three steps to giving an effective compliment. That's right. Step number one: State the compliment, and tell them something you really feel. Specific is always better. Be as specific as you can. Step number two: Justify the compliment by saying "because," as in, "the reason why I say this is..." And in Step number three: Immediately ask a question to show them that you really care. You might go, "Boy, Pam, you look great today. And, you know what? It must be that new haircut. Did you do something else different?" That way, you incorporated all three of the steps in doing it. Now, obviously, that was just an example that I just made up, but, you know what? You want to use something that's sincere.

So right now, here's what you're going to do. Stop the audio. That's right. Pause the audio, and you're going to give three compliments. If you're at home or somewhere in public, make sure you pick out three people and go out and do it right now. Don't hesitate. If you're anything like me, I believe that taking action now really sets it deep in your nervous system, meaning it'll become part of you. If you do it now, don't hesitate. Don't get caught up in the law of diminishing intent. "I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it." Because then you won't. So do it now. Or if you're in your car, I got a suggestion for you. Pick up your cell phone and call somebody up and give them a compliment over the phone. Or maybe pull over and write down. Do it now. Write down three people that you're going to give a compliment to. Write the compliment down, and then call them up or commit to giving them this compliment in the next 24 hours. So go for it now. Shut the audio off, and I'll see you in just a little bit.

Did you hear him? He said, "Stop this audio and do the exercise." I just want to know I'm still around. Checking in on you. I don't care if you're driving your car. Listen to what your is telling you. Pull over for a second. You got a minute to do this. Capture the moment. So many times I talk to people and they go, "Oh, I don't have time for something." I say, "Listen, you don't understand the power of a minute. In a minute, you can change your life. In a minute, you can say, 'I do,' or 'It's over,' or 'Let's begin,' or 'I quit,' or 'It's time.' And you start to take action." So take a minute right now and follow through on this exercise.

So, how did you do? Did you have fun? Who did you pick? And what was the result? How did they respond? Now, if you haven't done it yet, are you clear about what you're going to do and what you're going to say? Great. Let's move on.

Now, what Tony's going to talk about next are some specific techniques that are not as direct as a compliment for creating this connection or relationship with a customer. And as usual, be sure to answer back when Tony asks you to respond, 'cause you never know if he can really hear you. So here we go.

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So, do you have a compliment for me? Now, what I want us to focus on is this. We talked about caring. We talked about giving compliments. What are some of the unconscious ways that you and I can develop rapport with people? What are some of the ways that we can make sure we connect with them right away, even before we open our mouth, possibly, or as soon as we open our mouth, but not because of what we're saying, but how we're using our voice? There's been a great deal of research done the last 10 years about what makes people connect, what makes them immediately feel that connection, where you walk in a room and immediately see somebody and, wow, you feel like you know them. Instead of just coming from the place of saying, "Well, that's really wonderful." One of the questions I've asked, and other researchers have asked, is what causes that to happen? What's making that occur? And by studying that, we've made some distinctions and ways that you can apply yourself so that people nonverbally feel like they like you before you even begin to speak.

Now, the best way to share this information with you is to point out something, and that is, you're already good at rapport building, aren't you? So what am I going to teach you? Well, probably nothing. What I'm going to do, though, is remind you of some things, and then maybe show you how to do things you're already doing, but you're not probably consciously aware of. In other words, things that you're doing when you're at your best, but you're not conscious of them. By being conscious of them and maybe giving them a label, you now can say, "Oh, that's what I was doing. That's what made that connection happen," and you'll be able to do it more often.

So how do you already develop rapport? What is it you already do? Now, again, you may not get rapport with everyone, and that's one of the things we want to do here. We want to literally get where you can get rapport with anyone you're committed to having rapport with, literally anyone, even the person who gave you lots of trouble in the past. But the people you do get rapport with, how do you do that? What if I sent you right now and I said, "I'd like you to go out, go to the nearest restaurant, meet somebody, and develop rapport"? Could you do it? Of course you could. How would you go about doing it? Answer: Well, you probably go out, meet somebody, and start a conversation. And in that conversation, you probably ask some questions. Questions like, "What? What are the kind of questions that you ask?" You tell me. Think. What are the questions you do to start a conversation and get some rapport? Tell me out loud. "What are you doing for a living?" "What do you do for a living?" "What else?" "Where are you from?" "Where you from?" "What else?" "What sports do you like?" "What sports do you like?" "What else?" "Tell me about your hobbies." "What are some of your hobbies?" "Tell me about some..." "What else?" "How's your day going?" "How's your day going?" Right. "What's your sign?" No, no, no, no. That's not one you want to use. Right? The point is, you ask all these questions. Now, is it possible to ask all these questions and still not get rapport? Is that possible? Oh, sure it is. We've all had the experience where we had a conversation, and it was going, going, going, kept asking questions, and nothing happened. Finally, it felt like the conversation went flat. You've had that, haven't you? So questions by themselves are not enough. What you really need besides questions are... And the purpose of the questions is that you find something in what... Yeah, you got to find something in common. That's what creates rapport. It's not the questions. The question is like a tool to dig with. You're digging around with questions to see if you can find something in common, and then all of a sudden, bam! There's that rapport. You go, "Oh, you play that sport? I play it too. Oh, you belong to that club? I do. Or you grew up there? I know somebody there." And, wow, all of a sudden, there's this energy exchange. All of a sudden, there's this, what, connection with that person. We've all felt it. We've all had that experience. The question then is, is it questions that does it, or is it getting things in common? And the answer is, it's getting things in common.

So one of the things I try to look for is to help people learn ways to create things in common in advance. In other words, things that people would immediately see. And do a classic example: If you're going to call on somebody in IBM, you're probably not going to wear tennis shoes and a pair of shorts, right? You're going to wear the appropriate uniform. You want to have them feel like you were like them. A banker has a certain way of dressing. Those are the obvious ones. But let's go a step beyond. Let's take everything that, that I think has ever been written about rapport and put it into two very simplistic sentences that we'll never forget to remind ourselves why we're in rapport if we are, how to get in rapport if we're not, and why we're out of rapport if we are out of rapport. And I've taken everything that I've read, all the stuff about unconscious influence, as well as some of the simplistic things. And here are the two phrases we can anchor these ideas down with.

Idea number one is very simply this: People like people who are like them. In other words, when people are like each other, they tend to, what, like each other. How's that for major breakthrough information? But it's true. Now, don't buy my theory. Don't, don't buy anything I'm saying. Don't become a follower. You go try this stuff and you decide whether it's true or not. But for a moment, think, think of somebody you really, really like a lot. And as you think of this person, answer this question: Do you like them because they're like you, or because they're like how you want to be?

Here's the second phrase to anchor these ideas down with. Real simple phrase: When people are not like each other, when people are not like each other, they tend not to like each other. That's pretty important to remember. Now, you say, "Well, that's not true." Well, think of somebody you really don't like. I know you like everyone. But if there once was a human you didn't like, think of that person. And I answer this question: Is it that this person is not like you, or not like how you want to be?

Am I suggesting that this means that if you're different than somebody else, that you can't have rapport? Absolutely not. What I'm suggesting is this: That the more differences a person feels they have between you and themselves, the less rapport you will have. As long as we see the similarities as human beings, the more rapport that we have. So it's really important to see similarities so you can care about people and so you can connect with people. And it's also very important that you create those similarities upfront. Because it's unfortunate in selling, a lot of negative anchors have been created to this profession. It's a profession that if you went out of our economy, the economy would shut down. I mean, think about it. Nothing in this whole world happens until somebody sells something. You can have the greatest invention in the world, but it's worthless unless you can persuade someone of its value and to do something with it. You know, think about some of the great people in our country who've come up with the greatest ideas and died, and their ideas only came out later on. You know, think of Van Gogh. Here's a man who sold what, one painting in his lifetime, and now he's got paintings, I think, selling for like $50 million. He wasn't a very good marketer. But the people since him have been great marketers, right? The bottom line is, nothing in this country happens unless you're in the economy making it happen by getting people to make decisions, make choices, go for wants, and make things happen. You're in the most important part of our whole economy. And yet, unfortunately, because of a few people who were callous and who don't care and try to manipulate and use that as their primary tool of influence, this profession often times in people's minds is maligned. So it's your job to change the feeling of the profession and show what a professional persuader is. And one way to do that is to connect with people and destroy all the oldest associations, all the old anchors they have to selling. Because most people don't want to be sold because they feel like that's manipulation.

And I should mention something here. You are a manipulator. I hope you're a manipulator. That may sound pretty harsh, but you got to understand that the same techniques that a Jim Jones or a Hitler used, John F. Kennedy used. So did Martin Luther King. So did Gandhi. The key here is they were all manipulators. They all manipulated our emotions. Ronald Reagan was a good manipulator. Some of you say, "Well, maybe he wasn't such a good manipulator." No, he was a great manipulator. The bottom line is the difference is someone's intent. See, does the mother manipulate the child? I hope so. Too many children manipulate their mothers, and as a result, don't get the values that give them a foundation and make decisions for in their life. Does the teacher manipulate the student? I hope so. Too many students manipulate teachers today, in my opinion. So I don't think manipulation is bad. I think the key is intent. The only difference between a salesman and a con man is intent. How are you going to use something? Everything I've taught you, you can use to abuse people. It will come back to haunt you. So what you've got to do is interrupt those patterns, block that out. And you got to know that sometimes walking in, by the way you move, people judge you. Isn't that true? If you move fast and they move slow, you're different. You talk fast and they talk slow, or you talk slow and they talk fast, you're different. Certain language you use, certain gestures you use, people have associations in the past of what people like that are. And so, you know what they do? They don't get to hear your message. So what you've got to do is, you got to break through that by connecting. And the way to do that is through a process we call matching and mirroring.

Matching and mirroring. Let me show you what I mean. See, when most people try and develop rapport, the thing that they usually try and do is, they usually try and do it by the use of words. What percentage of your influencing tools do words represent when you get together with another human being? Seven. That's right. Seven percent. And yet, this is where 95% of all sales training is done, isn't it? Think about it. All the words you're supposed to use, all the closes you're supposed to do, all the things you're supposed to say, and when to say it, and how to say it. All those things are focused on words in most sales trainings. Now, if you're focusing on words, which is what most people do to get rapport, they ask questions, listen to what they're saying, ask another question, try and find something in common through words, you got a problem because you're, you're missing out on 93% of your tools. So you got to get beyond that and use more. You got to learn to use your voice qualities, which represent what percentage? That's right. 38% of what you're communicating comes through in voice cues or voice qualities: tonality, tempo, timber, keywords, etc.

Now, the key one, of course, is physiology. And physiology again represents what percentage? One more time. 55%. Thank you very much. 55%. This is the big one. See, you can use all the right words and still not get rapport. There's no guarantee. There is absolutely no guarantee you can get rapport with everyone if you limit yourself to words. But there's an absolute guarantee that if you learn to use your voice and your body in an effective way, you can get rapport with virtually everyone. That's a pretty big claim to make, and you shouldn't buy it. You should try it. And I'll show you specifically what it is called matching and mirroring.

What does it mean? It means when we study the best communicators in the entire country, the thing that we find out is that all of these people have something unique in common. By the way, not all of them are aware of what they're doing, but the thing that they have in common is they become like the person that they're with. They become like the person they're with in the way that they use their voice and the way they use their body, not just the words that they use. And what happens is, this person starts feeling like they are like them. They become a mirror image of this person in voice and body. They match some of the same qualities back.

What quality specifically? Well, let's take a look at voice. Whether it was a top therapist like somebody like Dr. Milton Erickson, probably the greatest medical doctor and hypnotherapist that ever lived. A guy who would take patients who everyone else had worked with for 5, 10, 15 years sometimes, and be able to turn that patient around in one session. Why? 'Cause he got them to have so much rapport with him, they felt so responsive to him, that he was able to affect not only their conscious thinking, but their unconscious thinking. How did he do it? He would mirror the voice qualities of the people he was communicating with and their body. In other words, if you went to see Dr. Erickson and you said, "Dr. Erickson, um, I just don't think this is going to work." He'd say, "Well, sit down and let's talk about it." He uses the same voice qualities, even the same physiology. And all of a sudden, this person feels comfortable. They don't know why, but they feel comfortable. Somebody else come in and say, "Dr. Erickson, I don't think this is going to work. I, I don't even know why I'm here." He'd say, "Well, sit down, let's just talk about it." Okay?

Now, you say, "Tony, aren't people going to notice this?" You would be surprised. People don't do that. Most people don't notice half the things that are going on around them. Most people are in a deep trance. You know, think about it. Most people say things like, "Do you use hypnosis in your seminars?" And I think, "How stupid the question." In life, it's not, "Can you put somebody in a trance?" The question is, "Can you get them out?" You know, most people live in a trance. You know. So when you're talking, realize that most people, their bodies are here, but their brain is nearby. The point is this, but what he would do is he would connect with them and know they did not notice. They did not notice. He would also duplicate the way they use their body.

Now, the same thing is true of top salespeople. And the same thing is true of you when you're at your best. All you got to do is go out and watch what you're doing when you're feeling like you're in rapport with someone. Look over and all of a sudden, you'll notice you're adopting similar body postures. Your voice volume or tempo may be going now at the same pace that this person's speaking. Instead of talking like this, if they're talking like this, if you're really in rapport, you probably drop down as well.

So, what are some aspects of voice, for example, that we could mirror? Well, there are a lot of them. One, of course, would be tonality. If you take on the same tone of voice as another person, you're going to have a heck of a lot more rapport than if you just go with whatever normal tonality is. Another one would be tempo. Who's comfortable? People talk about this particular pace. Like I'm talking right now. What kind of people are comfortable? People talk like this all the time. Talk like this. Come on. Who? Who? Tell me. Who? People who do Federal Express commercials and people from New York City. If you're from New York, yes, you do talk a little bit more rapidly than most of the country. Okay. How do people who talk more like this feel about people who talk more like this? Talking like this all the time. Saying, "What you want to do? He going to do this. What you going do?" Now, how do they feel about him? They don't trust him because they ain't like us, are they? The bottom line is, all of us, there's no right or wrong. But what we got to know is, do people make judgments just by the pace at which we speak as to who we are? You better believe it. Hey, in the first couple minutes of you seeing me here, you made judgments about who you thought I was. In 60 seconds, you make judgments. And so I got to somehow put across who I really am in that time. And so I chose not to come on all excited and so forth because certain people in this culture would say, "God, what a..." salesman. I am an excited person. And I've tried to make sure that I tapped all three strategies in communicating with you so that I can be excited. And if you're an excited kind of person, you'll feel that part of me. And I can be relaxed and hear you can be able to hear me. And I can also at times slow down and make sure that I feel what I'm feeling in my gut and talk to you directly from there so that hopefully I can make sure that all of you get the feeling of who I really am and you don't make a judgment. Does that make sense? And that's what people do with you. They make judgments. So you want to become like them so they make less judgments and they get to hear your message. Instead of judging what they think the messenger is about. And a lot of people, they make all kinds of bizarre ideas in their mind of who they think you are. They don't have a clue, usually.

So just make sure that you look at voice tonality and tempo. What else? Volume. What kind of people are comfortable? People talk loud like this all the time. People talk loud. How do people who talk quiet feel about people who talk loud? You, they're obnoxious, aren't they? I mean, if they were intelligent, they'd be talking like us, wouldn't they? Do people make those kinds of generalizations? You bet. Absolutely. In fact, the opposite happens too, doesn't it? People talk loud. How do they feel about those people who they go, "So tell me, what do you think? What do you think? Come on, tell me. Tell me. Tell me." The person goes...

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"Well, come on, speak up. Be a real man, will you?" Right? People make all kinds of generalizations based on volume. So again, you want to be like the person you're with so you feel that connection right away. Have you ever been in a situation you really sincerely cared about somebody, but they didn't get it? I bet the answer is yes. And the reason is, you just used a different style of communicating, and they link that other style to something that they once had an experience of, and they don't want any more of. So you got to make sure you enter their world where they are. It's pretty darn critical.

What are some other aspects? Well, certain keywords people use quite often. In this program, I've used a lot of words. And if you think about it, what are some of the key words I use a lot? You've heard me use here. Think about what some of those are. What are some? You tell me. Tell me. "What a concept?" "What a concept?" Okay, that's true. "What else?" "Connect." "Connect." "Okay." "State." "Influence." "Influence." "Power." "Power." "Excellence." So what if you said, "Tony, I've discovered a way in which we could positively and powerfully influence the quality of life, change people's states quickly and easily with deep connections of rapport." I'd be all ears. Wow, what an intelligent person, 'cause you'd be using all my words. And if I think I'm intelligent, and you use my words, obviously you're intelligent too. Do people work that way? You bet they do.

So you got tonality, timber, the quality, the sounds, tempo, the pace, volume, keywords. There's no limit. You come up with some more.

Now, let's look at physiology for a moment. What are some of the aspects of physiology, since that's the biggest piece? What are some aspects there that we could duplicate so that people immediately feel like we are like them? Well, one of them would obviously be the way you use your posture. A lot of people think that when you see the prospect, boom, you should be at this certain level. I believe you should be at level 10. You know, you're saying, "Well, Tony, this seems to be in conflict. You told me to get all passionate and get all excited, and now you're telling me, you know, that I need to be where they are." Listen, you can be passionate like this, or you can be passionate like this, or you can be passionate like this. You can be passionate and be at level 10 at different levels of people's experience. Does that make sense? You don't have to show them the whole iceberg. You can just give them a tip and let them know they'll be able to feel that there's more there inside of you. But the thing I want you to experience, really, is I want you to think about if you walk in and somebody's all downtrodden, it's sometimes overgrading to go, "Isn't it a great day?" That's why some people who are positive thinkers are not appreciated because they don't build rapport first. You want to align with that person and redirect, not just go, "You're not happy. WAP! I'll make you happy. I'll make you happy. I'll make you happy." You got to be a little more elegant. You want to go at people's pace, whatever pace they're at, and then you can change slightly, and they will follow you. We call that process pacing and leading, and it's a very powerful way to influence people. In fact, whenever somebody gives you an objection, if there's anything I want you to remember about handling objections, it's this: Whatever objection somebody gives you, align with the prospect, agree, appreciate, respect. And that's the process of what we're going to talk about, how to deal with them. So you want to make sure that you're on their side, not fighting them, not, not being overgrading. If they're a little bit down, don't be down, but leaning your body in a similar place. They're slow, don't speed up. Be where they are, at least to start, to make the connection so they hear your message.

So the speed of your movements is something to pay attention to. The way you hold your body, be like them, your posture. What else? Gestures. Hey, take a look at this. If you're having a conversation with somebody, and while they're talking to you, you notice they make this funny little gesture, and they say, "Well, I think we ought to try, you know, this thing here." If, when you talk back to them, you say, "Well, that's a great idea. And what if we tried this thing also?" You know what happens? Watch your face. It's like a friend. It's true. I mean, that sounds so ridiculous, but you're going to go out to do it tonight or today, and I want you to try it, and you watch what happens. Just mirror somebody's gestures and watch what happens. It's all of a sudden, they start liking you. They don't know why, because you are being like who them. And when people are like each other, they tend to like each other. It starts to make that connective bond. That is what's going to allow you to influence this person long term. They got to trust you. They got to like you. They got to feel connected to you if you're going to have long-term influence. And by the way, if you do a strong enough job upfront connecting with people, then you're not going to have to do a hard close in the end because they're on your side. And you can say, "Listen, I don't, you, I'm not trying to push you, I'm not trying to hard close you, but you've told me you want this and this and this, and the only thing stopping you is this fear. You know, are you going to let this stop you from having what you want most in the whole world?" Your closes get so much easier when you've got a real heart-to-heart connection and somebody trusts you. See, I always know when I see a guy closing hard, it's 'cause he, he's never connected upfront. He's not engaged the person by connecting with them.

So think about other aspects. You got gestures, you got movements, you got posture, you got facial expressions. You probably already do this one, don't you? I mean, think about it. Look at my face. Somebody talks to you and they're like all animated and they're talking like this, don't you make the same stupid look back and go, "Yeah, I know." We usually do that. How about eye contact? What you want to do is have about the same amount of eye contact as they have. Now, what if you meet somebody, a prospect, who stares in your eyes and never moves? Should you look away? No. Stare right back and keep staring as long as they stare because what'll happen is, it'll build rapport. They'll know you're an alien too, right? That's the bottom line, right?

What else would build rapport? Well, you can take a look around. Think for yourself. I've done enough talking. I want to stop for a second. You think, what else could you do to build rapport with your physiology? You tell me. Tell me one out loud. Okay, you're breathing. That's a powerful one. That's great. Hey, listen, when you breathe at the same pace as another person, what happens is you feel the exact same feelings. It's pretty incredible. I mean, can you think of a situation in life where you're breathing at the same pace with another person and it created tremendous intimacy? The bottom line is, breathing is powerful. The other thing that's great about breathing is it's really unique and it's very subtle. I mean, it's very rare that you'd be sitting here breathing some, matching somebody's breathing, you know, it's noticing how they're breathing and breathing at the same pace where they would all of a sudden jump up and go, "Would you stop mirroring my breathing?" That's very rare. They're not going to notice those things. It's very unique and very powerful.

What else? You tell me. What else could you link up to get more rapport with somebody physically? Pardon me? Facial expressions. Facial expressions. We just said that's accurate. Another one would be proximity. How close do you get to somebody? See, some people in life are not comfortable unless they get about this close, right? Other people, they want some distance before it happens, right? It all depends on how that person is rigged mentally and emotionally. So we all have like a certain amount of space that we think we need. And if somebody, like, breaks through that little barrier, we get a little uncomfortable. Now, for some people, that barrier is about here. For some people, that barrier's way out here. How do you know which one it is? You use your sensory acuity. And this is the place that most salespeople drop out. They don't have sensory acuity. They don't have acute sensitivity for the impact that their present communication style is having on the prospect. Pay attention. And that's what you need to do here. And by the way, if what you're doing isn't working, do anything else. Change your approach. See if it works. Do you find what does work with this prospect? The point is, if you start to walk somebody, and you see all of a sudden the muscles in their neck will... That's a clue. Okay? Pay attention. Easiest way to do this is just notice how close people get to you. They get about a certain distance, and you notice they don't get too much closer, too much further. Then don't violate that distance, unless you got some real strong rapport.

And lastly, it would be touching. And we're not limited to all these, but the last one we'll cover right now is touching. And that is, a lot of salespeople think, "Well, gosh, I could never touch a customer." That's a mistake. And the reason is, there are people in our culture who touching for them is the single most enjoyable feeling in life, even from a stranger. They're screaming out for contact. They call it skin hunger. And what it means is that certain people, just by the right handshake or touch on the shoulder or tap or some statement with a touch, that'll build more rapport than anything you can ever say to them. You go, "Come on, Tony, that's 'cause you're from from California. It's not that way here. Not here. Not where the CEOs." You're wrong. And working with CEOs around the country, inevitably, this guy sitting behind this desk back here, who seems to be like so strong and evasive and everything else, when he moves from behind that desk, you better pay attention because a lot of these guys back here would love to just be connected with. Now, I don't mean a sexual touch, or even one that could be slightly interpreted, if you're of the opposite sex, in that way. What I mean is a friendship touch. The way they give a friendship touch. So if you notice this man, when he's away from his desk, how he touches his associates, how he touches his secretary in a non-sexual way, or his other business associates, if he shakes hands a certain way, or if he grabs one on his shoulder and says, "Hey, great job." If you say, "Hey, thanks a lot," and you do it the same way back, you cannot believe the amount of rapport it creates instantly because it's like, "You're like me." Instant connection. On the other hand, if you touch somebody who normally doesn't get touched, and you just assume that they're a touching person, you're in big trouble because you're going to lose a lot of rapport. So let them initiate. Notice if when they make a point, they go, "You know, that's a great idea." But and they touch your hand. Touch them right back in the same kind of way, elegantly, in the same pressure, same kind of touch.

So these are some of the elements that we can use in making sure that we are mirroring people. If we mirror them long enough, an interesting dynamic happens. And that dynamic is, pretty soon, we get in a position where we have so much rapport that we're almost like in a loop. It's like biofeedback. It's like what they put out, you feed it back to them, and it comes back to them, and they send it out again. And now you're in this responsiveness loop where now, because you've gone at their pace for such a long period of time, you can make a slight change, and they will usually follow you. Now, I know this may sound ridiculous to you or like mumbo jumbo, but it is a fact. It's proven over and over again. And the best way to prove it is not to believe it.

To go do it and to try it out. And so, for example, if you're sitting down with somebody and you take a look at them and you see how they're sitting, you might say, "Well, Tony, what are you saying? I'm supposed to look at them and sit the way they're sitting? Turn my head the way they're turning your head? You know, Bob forward when they bob forward, bob back when they bob back, pick their nose when they pick their nose?" Yes, no. Okay.

What I'm saying is that you want to become like them. And you can mirror lots about them. You don't have to do everything they do at the moment they do it. If all you do is mirror, let's say, their gestures and their tone of voice, you're going to have a tremendous level of personal rapport. If all you do is mirror, let's say, their facial expressions and their leg position, you're going to have a tremendous level of personal rapport. The way you sit next to a person can mean more in terms of your rapport than anything you say.

So, it's not difficult to do because you already do this when you're at your best. Hey, if you doubt it, you go out tonight to a singles bar and have some fun. Meaning, watch other people. That is, watch them when they first come together and first start to meet. If they start to build a rapport, you'll see it become literally like a dance where all of a sudden they both start tilting in the same direction. All of a sudden, they'll both start speaking in the same volume. They'll make similar facial expressions. They might jingle their feet or their arms or their hands in the same way. It literally becomes a dance. It's hysterical, and you are doing this whenever you're in rapport.

The problem is this: most people wait till they get enough words in common to finally be able to justify putting their voice and body in the same place. You want to reverse the process. You can be guaranteed rapport if all you do is mirror them.

I've got to tell you something. This is going to sound impossible, but for some of you, I think you'll know it's true. If you mirror someone consistently, they don't have a choice but to like you. I mean, somebody who's even upset with you, if you mirror someone consistently and you're being like they're being, you will connect with them. They will respond to you. They will be in a responsiveness loop.

Now, how do you deal with somebody who's upset? Do you like, get rapport with that person by doing the same things? Sometimes, absolutely. Sometimes I get upset, and you get upset right back. Now, you've got to be appropriate. Obviously, if it's a stranger, it may not work. But sometimes you call on the phone, somebody goes, "Yeah," and they go, "Hi, what?" That'll do is immediately, it kind of interrupts their pattern. It changes their, what, state? They go, "Oh, who's this?" And you hear their voice change. And then I'll just change it back and say, "This is Tony." "Oh." And there's this connection. So sometimes that's appropriate.

Other times, somebody's upset. What I'll do is I'll align with them. I'll get rapport by being like them and being upset too. "God, your company does this and this and this." I turn around and say, "You know what? I hate it when people have that perception too. That's horrible. You know, if we've done that, that is something that's horrible. That has to stop." And you say, "And you think it's possible that it may be something else? And that may be not absolutely 100% true?" "No, no, I'm sure it's true." "Okay, I'll have to check into it for us. See, align with people. Get on their side. As soon as they go to attack, come over and be with them. Don't be fighting them. Come over and be with them immediately. That's the way to deal with things."

So, the key element here, I guess, is to make sure that you realize that if you go at somebody's pace, you don't do everything. You do but you sit the way they sit. Now, what's going to happen is you're going to start feeling that connection. And if you do it for, say, four, five, six, seven minutes, you go at their pace, you now can make a slight change, and they will follow you.

I remember the first time I used this in a situation that was real tough for me. I was in a situation, and a guy who didn't want to talk with me, he'd approached my company. I had a health company at the time. And sure enough, he wanted to do business with us. And my partners, Harvey and Marilyn, did not want to do business with this man. And so they used me as the person or the reason not to do it. They said, "Well, Tony will never go for it." So I was the scapegoat.

So I decided to go meet with this guy and keep rapport because, in my mind and in my partner's mind, he was a bit vindictive. So how are we going to take care of this? Well, my answer is real simple. What I'm going to do is I'm going to go in and mirror this guy. I can get rapport with anybody, even somebody who's mad. And so I went into his office. And you've got to picture this man's office, very successful doctor in Beverly Hills, California. And he's got this huge power desk, you know the type I'm talking about. And he's sitting behind it, marble with the glass and the whole bit. He's sitting behind. He's sitting like this. So guess how I sat down.

And he said, "Well, you must be Tony Robbins." And I said, "That's right." And he said, "Oh, Tony, you are in trouble. He's going to think you're mimicking him. You're wrong." See, people don't notice this stuff. If you're the kind of person that thinks people are going to notice when you're mirroring them, you're probably also the kind of person that thinks that when you're talking to people, that they're actually listening to you. That's very rare. They don't notice because, one, it is a natural process that already happens when people are in rapport.

Now, it is true that if, as they bring their right leg up and bring their arm over, you do the exact same thing at the exact same moment, and they tilt forward and you tilt forward, and they move back and you move back, sooner or later they're going to go, "What is wrong with you?" But meanwhile, back at the ranch, if you're elegant, elegant means that you do things, but sometimes you have a delay. So if, let's say, they cross their legs or they cross their arms, you don't immediately do it at the same moment. Maybe, maybe wait a second. You can do it the same moment a few times, but maybe next time what happens is they cross their arms, and you're like this, and you just wait. And you say, "When you to say something, it's natural for you to change your body because, remember, your body changes, and your body, and posture, and physiology change state. And when you go to say something or answer a question, it's totally natural for your body to change." So their brain does not perceive anything as being amiss.

So they cross their arms. You could cross your arms too, in a moment, or you could wait. And when you were to say something, maybe you do something else, and then you say, "Well, okay," and you cross your arms, and now you're in connection again. That's called being elegant. But I want you to know, even if you're not elegant, you can get by with it most of the time. It's very rare somebody to stop and go, "Are you mirroring me?" It's like, very rare, since most people don't have any clue what it is to start with.

Okay, so what happens is, I'm in this guy's office, right? And I go, "Yes, I am. It's Tony Robbins." So he says, "Well, I've been trying to reach you for two days and I couldn't get a hold of you." And I said, "Thank you so much for your follow-through." He's the same kind of volume, same kind of gesture, same kind of look on my face. And his brain's going, "He's like you." And there's this connection that begins to happen. He doesn't even know why. Why?

And so we talk and talk and talk. After about five minutes, we're great friends. And the way we become friends is I begin to lead him. After about five minutes, I want to test how much rapport I have. So what do I do? Well, he's been talking real loud like this the whole time, so I've been talking loud like this too. He's said, "I think we to try this and this and this." And I said, "Well, that's a good view of it. And what if we looked at this way also?" We're talking back and forth. I'm finally tired of talking like this. So what I begin to do, instead of talking like this, is I first of all do some of the things he's doing. And so after I've done that, I sit back slowly in my chair. And guess what he does? He sits back slowly in his chair within about 15 seconds.

So then, what I do, I lean forward in my chair. Guess what he does? He leans forward. I think, "Got him." Right? Then what happens? I drop my voice and I go, "You know what?" And he goes, "What?" Now I got him. What do I do then? I cross my right leg over my left. Guess what he tries to do? The same thing. Except he's got a desk there, so he goes, "Thump!" Right? But that doesn't stop him. He turns his chair and crosses his legs. "Go, 'Oh, come on, Tony, didn't he notice?'" Notice what? What do you expect me to do? Say, "Why do I want to turn my chair at this very moment?" Is someone pacing and leading me? People don't know this stuff. And it's amazing what it'll do. This can be as powerful as anything else you've learned here, and it's easy, and it's fun.

The last three distinctions I want to give you are these four distinctions. And that is that human beings have five senses through which we basically process all the things we learn in our lives. Five senses through which we communicate to the world, and the world communicates to us. Those five senses are: visual, auditory (meaning pictures, sounds), kinesthetic (which means feelings, emotions, or motions), olfactory (which stands for what? Smell), and gustatory (which is right). Of these five senses, the three we use most often to communicate to the world consciously with other people and so forth are visual, auditory, and kinesthetic.

What's interesting, though, is those three modes of using our brain, most of us develop, and not all of us, but most of us develop a preference, a strength that is out of all the three. Many of us have one that we like the most. In other words, there are no visual people or auditory people or kinesthetic people in the world, but there are preferences. It's like, if you have a choice, that's probably what you're going to go for first. Most people have preferences, and it varies based on their state. But what you want to do is notice what's their preference right now while they're with you. Because if you notice someone's preferences, you can enter their world. You can immediately give them feedback that makes them feel like you're like them. And how to use your body and your voice.

Because I want you to know, this idea of mirroring is not limited to face-to-face. If you're a telemarketer, there's nothing more important than mirroring on the phone. And this will give you some distinctions. Let's talk about four basic styles: visual, auditory, kinesthetic, and something we're going to call digital, just to make it simple. Digital. Well, these four styles, people go into it any time. And if you know what style they're in and you match styles, you become like them. You will connect. You'll have rapport. You'll be able to influence.

The first style is visual. How can you tell somebody's in a visual state of mind, at least while you're in front of them right now, so you know how to connect with them? The answer is, when people are in visual, they tend to talk a little bit louder, a little bit faster, tend to gesture, they tend to move more rapidly. They use words like, "Picture this," "Examine this," "Take a look at this." Everything happens more rapidly because they've got pictures in their mind. And pictures worth a thousand, what? Words. That's right. Pictures worth a thousand words. Oh, you're too slow for somebody's visual. You've got to talk faster than that. And that's how visual people are. And they don't care what they're saying because, you know, that doesn't really matter. Just trying to get these darn pictures out of their head.

Now, somebody who's more auditory in nature would speak to you with more resonance in their voice. They would be a bit more articulate. They'd be a bit more selective about the words they use because, for them, it's not only what they say, but it's also how they say it. And for them, uh, words are very, very important. And the way they sound is very important. And even, even their gestures and their movements are more rhythmic, versus the visual person who's talking more like this. You can imagine how a visual person gets along with somebody who's more auditory. Visual person says, "Hey, take a look at this. What do you think? What do you think we should do?" Auditory person says, "Well, um, let's talk about it first." Now, I'm giving you some extreme examples so you can really see the difference, but I think you can follow me. And these extreme examples are out there, aren't they?

Now, some people are more visual just because they talk a little bit more rapidly, they get a little bit more excited, that kind of thing. Auditory people, a little more resonance. The third kind of person is a person who's a little more, um, a little more, um, kinesthetic or, um, feeling oriented. Tend to kind of weigh things, and they talk a lot slower, a lot quieter, usually. Fact, many times when you're asking questions, they don't answer out loud. They just move their lips because sometimes it feels good. And they don't notice that they aren't saying anything. And, um, I'm not making fun. It's very true. Have you ever had somebody like, you keep asking, "What did you say?" It's usually a very aesthetic mode. And what it is, is they're having very deep feelings about things, and they really weigh things. I use words like, "It feels good to me." But, um, "Do you have a more concrete example?" Or, "I need a better sense of it." And these kind of people usually drive me insane, actually.

I'm all three people, aren't you? It just depends on the situation. Somebody say, "I want to be visual, explosive, powerful." If you met me in another environment, you might see me like this all the time because I can be like this all the time if I need to be, or if I want to be, depending upon what I'm doing. Or you might find me like this, like I've been a good deal here. Or you might find me like this, or I can really feel the feelings, have the experience. The key is to be yourself, not to be somebody else.

And you go, "Wait a second, I'm confused. What I'm hearing you say is, 'Become like them.' I'm going to lose my identity. Give me a break." Are you going to tell me that you're just a visual person? You're just an auditory? You're just a kinesthetic? You're that limited in your life? I hope not. Not if you plan on being an effective persuader who has a lot of fun. In reality, we're all three people, but some of us need to work harder on creating more flexibility so we can enter people's worlds.

Fourth person is called a digital person. And a digital person is the kind of person who does make decisions primarily in their mind by logic. And I told you that people buy for emotional reasons and they justify with logic. Well, behind their logic are emotions. Other words, why do they believe that X means Y? Because a long time ago, they got these feelings of certainty that that was true. That would lead to being able to do things effectively. So emotions are still at the bottom of their decision-making. But they're the most disassociated buyers. They're the kind of person that they come around, they look at the car, they kick the car, they find out every little detail about it. They want to see the warranty, they want to read the things, they want all the little digital details. And when you're with digital people, you better have plenty of information to offer them to have rapport.

So if you're with a kinesthetic person, you need to be able to be feeling oriented. What do you think happens when a visual salesperson gets along and says, "Hi, how you doing?" to a kinesthetic person? It's like instant lack of rapport. Remember I told you, one of the first commitments you made in being in this course was to be flexible. Flexibility is power. The person in any interaction who has the most flexibility, the most choices, will control the situation because when you run out of choices, they've got another way to deal with it. And that's how you want to be as well. So you want to be able to enter all four modes. You want to be able to be visual, auditory, kinesthetic, or digital with any client so you can enter their world.

And you can see it immediately. And you can hear it on the phone. Somebody calls up on the phone, and they say, "Hello, um, I'm calling about this." I'll give you more extreme example. Somebody calls up and they say, "Hi, I'm calling about this piece of property you have over there on Maple Street. Could you tell me something about that property?" What is the traditional response? I've sat in, you know, consulting for real estate companies, and I'm listening on people that are on, what they call, the up desk, or stock brokerage, and I'm listening right as people are making calls during the screening. And they don't know I'm on the line. It's hysterical. It's hysterical what people do because they don't know. Person picks up the phone, they go, "Yeah." "I'm calling by that piece of property they on Maple Street. Can you tell me something about it?" Person goes, "Maple Street, Maple Street, Maple Street. Well, let me see here. Maple Street, kind of slow like syrup, huh? Maple Street." But this time, the person I there R, who's in what state? Which one? Visual is freaking out of their mind. Do they want to deal with this person? No, because they don't want somebody slow. They want somebody's fast. Oh God, they're going to get off the phone as quickly as they can.

Now, the other extreme also happens. Sometimes people go to seminars where they're taught to be passionate, be at level 10. And they don't think about being at level 10 at the gradient that that person is. And so they pick up the phone and they go, "XYZ Real Estate." And person goes, "Oh, hi. Um, I'm calling about that property you have over there on Maple Street. Um, uh, could you tell me something about it?" Person goes, "Maple Street? Of course I can. It's three bus. What do you think?" Person like, "Bye." Click. You need to be where people are. You need to enter their world.

And by the way, for me, some people say, "Well, that's, that's being awfully manipulative, Mr. Robbins." And you know what it is for me? It's called respect. Any idiot can go out there and talk the way he normally does without giving a darn about seeing who he's dealing with and what the way that they process the world is. See, if you're really a persuader, and what you really are is a healer, somebody goes in there and finds hurts, heals it, you've got to first get them to trust you enough to tell you what their pain is, what their problems are, what things they want that they're not getting. If you don't get that trust, you're never going to be able to qualify them, are you? Not sincerely. You're going to get some garbage like most salespeople do about how much money they've got to spend, and how many bedrooms, how many baths, or what their last policy was like, or what kind of budget their company has. But not telling you about things they could do to turn that company around so they could buy that computer system. I mean, think about it. You've got to get people to trust you.

And if you're doing mirroring just to manipulate, it'll come across that way. But if you're doing mirroring out of being respectful and seeing another human being and saying, "I want to show them I care enough to enter their world," it's like, if you go to another country, the most classy thing you can do, in my opinion, is to make sure that you learn some of the language. So when you ask for things, even if you're not good at it, but you really attempt, don't people usually respond really well to you in other countries? It's like they can see you're at least trying. You're trying to enter their world, not just stick in yours. Not the Ugly American frame. And so my challenge to you is to do the same thing with people. To see what language they speak, visual, auditory, kinesthetic, or digital, at this time, and to enter their world right there.

Now, I've got a question for you. What mode am I in right now? So I talk to you. The, yeah, kinesthetic, a little high kinesthetic, but kinesthetic. What about now? When I speak to you this way, what mode am I in? Now, as I start to talk like this, what mode am I in? And what mode am I in when I talk like this and say, "Hey, what do you think? Take a look. What do you think?" Visual. Visual. So you should be able to tell what mode somebody's in and mirror back to them right away.

So right now, if I was talking to you, let's say, kind of like, uh, this down here, how would you respond back to me? And I said, "Well, could you tell me something about your properties?" Would you go, "Oh, sure." No, let me hear how you'd sound. If I said, "Tell me about your properties." Would you please? Okay, good. What if I said, "Tell me the details. I'd like to know about this, this, and this, and I'd like to know XYZ, and the mortgage, and the financing, and this, and this, and that, and all these different things. Please explain to me these." Now, good. You've got the rhythm of it as well. What if I said something like, "Well, I'm really not sure what I want, but I am very interested in at least taking a look." How would you respond to me? Now, excellent. What if I said, "Hey, take a look at this. You know, I really want to see one of these kind of houses. Show me one of these, will you?" Excellent, excellent. Great. You're well on your way.

So what I'm going to have you do is I'm going to have you do a series of these so that you get good at these. And by the way, we're going to do some series of these exercises so that you're not only good at it, but you realize it's fun. See, you can go on a business meeting now, and you have no excuse for the rest of your life of ever being bored in a business meeting again because you can mirror somebody and then change them. You know, have some fun with these tools. You can go in a restaurant and make a shift in somebody. You can sit next to somebody and all of a sudden have them introducing themselves, going, "God, do I know you?" It's because there's such a connection of rapport in terms of mirroring.

So this first phase of selling is called engaging. You must engage the client before you ever try and present something to them. And you must engage the client before you're going to ever find their real needs. And one of the most important aspects of engaging is connect and become their best friend. Connect and become their best friend, heart to heart. And the key elements here are, have empathy and approach with deep caring. Make sure that when you give somebody a sincere compliment, it's something you really believe in, something you really feel. Make it specific. "I really admire you for blank." And then give them justification. "The reason I say that is because..." And then ask them a question that leads to their pride. And that would be something like, "How did you ever manage to blank?" or "How do you do that?" In addition, use mirroring and matching, pacing and leading, and visual, auditory, kinesthetic, and digital. And finally, realize that rapport is the foundation to all influence. If you have absolute deep rapport, then you're going to find that you, this customer, quote unquote, will become your friend. You'll have a great time. You won't have so much fear about closing. And at the end, if you do a good enough job, they'll help you to close the sale. They'll work through you to buy because I trust you 100%. You deserve to have that kind of relationship, and they deserve to have that kind of relationship. So go practice now. And when you come back, we're going to finish up the engaging stage by showing you how to really create intense desire in the client.

Now, does all of this make sense to you? Great. To become a master of rapport takes practice. So before we close, here's your assignment. At dinner tonight, or at a business meeting tomorrow, pick some context that's going to come up in the meeting or the next day for you, and match and mirror that person. Notice the impact. Does the tone of the interaction change? Does it feel different? Do they respond differently to you? Now, if it's a person that you don't have a strong relationship with yet, how quickly can you get that rapport and create that strong relationship with them? And then after a while, you can even pace and lead them and get them to start subconsciously following your lead. This tool really works. So enjoy it. Get out there and do it. And as we said in the beginning of this session right here, practice makes you a master at doing it.

Oh, and by the way, if you're interested in learning more about rapport, along with some other great tools, Tony has an unbelievable program called Unleash the Power Within. And you can get more information about it by going to AnthonyRobbins.com or simply dialing 888-98-TONY. So finally, we're going to learn about how to create sincere interest in your clients. So let's go to part two of this session now. This session continues on the next CD.

Someone tried to tell you something, and they were really going on and on, and you weren't even interested. Or worse yet, have you ever been telling somebody about your product or your service or something that you're interested in and notice that they weren't interested at all, but you just kept going? Embarrassingly, I know I have. I remember when I was a kid, I was a teenager, I asked this girl out on a date. And there I was, sitting, talking, and going on and on. And I looked over, and she was asleep. Ow! I learned that lesson.

So it's very common for salespeople to jump ahead of themselves in their sales process and begin their presentation before they create interest. Very common. You can have the greatest product in the world. Your client can be well-qualified. But if you don't have the ability to create interest in the client, the greatest product in the world is probably not going to do you any good. Say differently, it's going to go unsold.

So before we jump into the next audio, I want to teach you a principle that's very important to know. There are several tools that create subconscious influence in people. And one of those tools is called the "because" frame. There are certain words that trigger us to go on automatic pilot. We stop evaluating what we should do and just comply. One of those words is the word "because." The reason behind this is that the drive for people to justify behavior is so strong within each of us that we have learned to anchor the word "because" to feeling like someone or something has justified reasons. Researchers have found that even if what is said after the word "because" doesn't make sense logically, the majority of people will still comply as if there were a legitimate reason.

Let me give you an example. They did an experiment, and they would have a line say to a copier machine or, or maybe a water cooler. And what they found was that somebody from the back of the line, if they go to the front of the line and say, "Listen, I need to get in here because..." and whatever they say after that, "because I'm in a hurry," or "because I'm really thirsty," or "because I need to get back to the office," people won't question it. They'll just let them in and do it over and over again. Very, very interesting. And I wanted you to have that background and that example because this frame is an important part of how to create interest, because you can use it to create interest in your clients as well. And that is going to help you create more sales. So let's get to it. Step five of the selling process: How to create sincere interest.

Person where they're really interested. Anything you say is going to go in one ear and right out the other. So you've got to find a way to grab their interest very quickly. And we've already given you some ways to do it. The same ways you grab somebody's attention by screaming "Pigs!" is a great way for you to immediately get their interest. Also, that is to make sure you put them in the kinds of states where they really want to hear more. I will tell you that the key to this step is you do not go on and begin to give a presentation until you first have someone hungry to hear your presentation.

Well, how do you go about doing that? Well, I'd say the best way to do that is make sure that you ask lots of questions. The more questions you can ask, you accomplish a lot of things. First thing you accomplish when you ask a question is you give the prospect a chance to be in control. One of the things that concerns prospects, people are going to to deal with, and would concern you as well, is feeling like somebody isn't just talking at you and feeling like you have some control of what's going on. Also, when you ask a prospect their opinion, you're inducing the law of reciprocation because now, by you listening to their opinion, if they really feel like you're hearing them, they're going to listen to you as well.

So the more questions you can ask to dig in and find out some of their interests, the more powerful you're going to be in creating more of that interest. Because there are a lot of things in our life that we want, but it's not until we re-focus on them that we begin to have feelings about them. In other words, you might be interested in a lot of things, but you don't actually feel the interest until someone starts asking you questions about it. You go, "You know, actually, I am really interested in that." And sure enough, all of a sudden, you start to get stirred up.

So there are lots of ways to do it. Okay, one way to do it, of course, is do some demonstrations. That'll grab somebody's interest. You know, do an exhibition like we talked about. Another one to get interest is talk about somebody they know. If, uh, someone approached me one time and they said, "You know, Ken Blanchard's a friend of yours, isn't he?" Boom! Immediately got my attention. I said, "Well, yeah." They said, "Well, if Ken was doing something that he thought made a huge difference in his business, really helped the thing to build, immediately, you'd probably want to know about it, wouldn't you?" Well, I said, "Well, sure." Immediately, they've got my interest. Instantly, I'm willing to hear what they're going to say. And they've used a thing called social proof. They've used somebody that I have as a friend and respect a great deal. So sure enough, instantly, they've used a series of things on me. And then what they did is they grabbed my attention, grabbed my attention, got my interest. Now I'm all ears.

So if you're going to create an image in your mind, what you want the customer to look like when you're done with this step, you might have a customer with some real large ears on, listening to you intensely, with hungry eyes. That's really what we're going to go for. And in order to really be able to grab somebody's interest, we have a six-step process that we use. And it starts out with number one, making what we call a big fat claim. What that means is, make a statement about something that you know is really in this person's interest, something that they really want, something that'll create. Remember, what we're doing in selling, we're creating a large want. One way to do that is grab their interest with something they're already interested in, or take a small interest, something they're kind of interested in, and talk to them about it. Talk to them enough about it till they start focusing on it again and seeing how important it is to them. Or talk about that interest and talking about God, by not having that, what's that costing you? How do you think that affects your business? In other words, you want to stir them up. And stir up a little bit of hurt. But the first step, of course, is to make a big fat claim. And you've got to make a big fat claim that they associate to. In other words, something that they really want. Want. I think the biggest mistake that salesmen make is not that they don't make the claims, but they do one or two things. They make claims they can't back up, which you better really be careful of because that'll never work. Or they make a big fat claim, and it's one they can back up, but it's not one that the customer is really interested in. You keep talking to customer about, you know, decreasing absenteeism, but they want to increase sales, or vice versa. So that's why during the phase of connecting with a person and getting to know them, it's really important to be sure you're listening and hearing what their real needs are and what their real interests are so that when you make a big fat claim, it has an impact.

So you make a big fat claim. Then what you've got to do is back it up with a fact. And the way you do that, the word you use in transition is the word "because." Do you remember the "because" frame? Then even if this doesn't make sense, it still makes sense of the prospect. And you want to make sense. For example, a man recently came to me and said, "Mr. Robbins, he said, I know that you're doing many things in your company and I know you're a very busy man, but I think if you just give me a couple of minutes, I could tell you how to take your company public." He knew he'd done some research and found out that I was looking at ways to expand our ability to influence people and I looked at taking the company public as one way to be able to generate the capital and the needs we want to go out and make a bigger difference. And so sure enough, he said, "I know some ways I could take your company public and do it in less than four months by reverse merger." My brain immediately went like crazy. He said, "And the reason I say that is because I've done it now for about 20 companies in the last three years." So they gave me a little fact and used "because." He said, "Now, what's nice about that is he sold me something, but I got to know what it's going to mean to me. What's my emotional reason to want to buy something like this? Now, buy this idea. Listen to him." And what he says is, "Well, what that really means to you is the opportunity to have your company grow and expand and be able to have the kind of capital through your company and stock to be able to take over some of the other companies I know you'd like to take over, to build your company into something larger where you're reaching even more people." And he said, "And what that really means to you is..." So he sold me another benefit immediately, and it was even more personal. He said, "What it really means to you is it'll probably jump your net worth by about $20 million in a short period of time." That kind of grabbed my attention. And he said, "And the reason I say that is..." and he gave me some support. He became more specific. "I did this company, and that company. I did this for this gentleman. His net worth went like this." And he gave me just a little bit of support material, some evidence to back up these big fat claims.

And then he didn't try and sell me. He said, "Listen, um, but my purpose right now is I really want to get some answers from you directly. Questions you can answer for me directly." And he said, "Can I ask those questions? Is that okay?" What do you think? I said, "No problem." Instantly, I'm more than happy to do it. So what he did is he got permission to probe, which is going to be one of our next steps.

So what'd he say? He said, "My purpose of this time is to get your answers to a few questions. I want to get your answers to a few questions." He said, "Do you mind if I ask him?" So again, he didn't push himself on me. What a lot of people do in the qualifying mode is they assume that they can just ask personal questions, and it gets them in trouble, even though they built rapport earlier in the sales process. So you want to get permission to probe.

So these are the steps. How we get interest. It's real simple. Make a big fat claim. Because state of fact. Which means to you, tell them a benefit your company can really give them. Which really means to you, and give them an emotional big emotional reason why they should listen and want to probably buy now. And then come back over here and support your claim very quickly, not in detail, because you're not selling them yet. You want to get them where they're hungry to hear what you've got to say. And then get permission to probe. "My purpose at this time is to get your answers to some questions." Notice the way that's worded. "I want to make sure I do that accurate the first time." I jumped across it again. "My purpose at this time is to get your answers to some questions." So again, you're putting the ball on their court. "Is that okay with you?" If you got them hungry, if you got the interest, they're going to say, "Absolutely." Now you have absolute permission to be able to probe.

Now, remember, there are lots of ways to do this. But the most important way to be able to get somebody's interest is pay attention, listen, do your homework, and ask lots of questions. Remember, if you ask questions, it takes the pressure off you too. Because if you ask enough questions, it becomes a two-way conversation instead of one way. It's not all the weight on you. You're putting some weight back on the prospect to be able to answer back.

I also want you to know, if you really want to stir up interest, one of the ways to do that is to take something that they already have an interest and stir them up. And by showing them all the consequences of them not having that interest fulfilled, really get them where they're feeling a little hurt. The more you hurt them, quote unquote, in terms of find the emotions they have pain about, the more interested they will become. And the more you can expose them, the more they will come.

Now, there are seven ways to handle somebody who, when you make a big fat claim, and you've even shown them the evidence, and they still don't believe you. Have you ever dealt with that? And you're making an honest claim. Then there's a nice acronym that you can use for this, and it's called DEFEATS. By the way, if you feel like, "My God, how many of these things are we going to learn?" We've learned Urban and Lurban and Drab. Hang in there. There are seven total of these little chunk-down segments. So you only have to remember seven of these things to know the entire sales process as I teach it. But DEFEATS. What does DEFEATS stand for?

Well, first of all, D is going to stand for just demonstrate. We've all heard the idea that seeing is believing. It's very true. If you can show somebody something, most people are very visually oriented in their convincer strategies. Not all people, but a large number of our population, because of television primarily and movies. So if you can demonstrate right there in front of them, you can wipe out all the disbelief somebody may have at that time.

Secondly, what you need to do is give them an example. And if you can't demonstrate, at least give some examples of people you've worked with. Um, at least give them some examples of some stories that you can tell them about ways where you've gotten the results. So it becomes more real for them.

Thirdly, give them some facts. And when you deliver the facts, make sure that you're congruent. Because sometimes you're delivering a real fact, but you're thinking about, like, how you're coming across, you know what I mean? Or, um, you're not positive about the fact. I've done this myself, and like, so what I usually say if I'm not positive, say, "I'm not absolutely positive, but I believe it's this." If it's your business, and you need to know facts, know them up front so you're ready immediately to be able to support that person with precise facts. And say, "These are the facts. This, this, and this." And facts will blow out a lot of disbelief many times.

Next, you've got to make sure that you do some exhibition. Sometimes, not just a demonstration, but really be able to have something sit there in front of them and be exhibited for them for a period of time. Cuz some people, we all have different ways of being convinced. But for some of people in the world, what they need to do is spend enough time at something. It's like, you can't just demonstrate it, you've got to exhibit it. You've got to make sure that they experience that it really works a little bit through time, not just for a moment. So think about how can I really exhibit this in a way where they get the feeling it's not just for a moment, but it's gonna last.

A is for analogy. Tell them an analogy. In other words, say, "This is kind of like something else." Often times when you try and explain something to somebody and they don't believe you, it's because it just doesn't make sense. But if you say, "You know, taking a company public by reverse merger is, you know, it's kind of like understanding the government. You know, the government is able to print money, and that money is based on people's perception of its worth. Well, a company can go public and generate capital not based on just what it's doing, but based on what people think it's worth will be." And so all of a sudden, person begins to say, "Oh, okay. I have an idea now of how that works." So when somebody makes a big fat claim that says, "If you take your company public, you basically have developed a printing press for money as long as your company is profitable and continues to expand." That sounds like a pretty big statement. Creates disbelief. But if you use the right kind of analogies, you can start to break through that disbelief, maybe, and get their interest.

Another example would be T would be testimonials. Uh, one of the things we have our sales do is we work with so many companies, Fortune 500 companies. And what we've asked them to do is carry with them a binder that's just filled with letters. So you've got everybody from IBM, AT&T, New York Life, etc., etc., etc., etc., one after another after another, talking about the quality of our product from the vice president, or the president, or the CEO, or the top sales manager in that organization. Because again, you open that up, you show those testimonials, and you know, a couple of good customers are worth 10 times you're trying to explain something. Fact, somebody told me statistics, and that was like a referral. You know, when you can actually use a testimonial in the form of, let's say, a referral. One referral is worth 15 cold calls. That's pretty intense. So the more you can show testimonials, the more power you're going to have.

And the other way to break through people's disbelief about some of your big fat claims is use some statistics. Be real specific and give some statistics that hopefully they can verify. So that...

They can say, "Hey, this is really worthwhile." So, what do we need to do to get people's interest? It's real simple. Quick step of interest. All we've got to do is ask enough questions, stir them up enough to really find out what they're really feeling, what do they really want, what's a interest they have, or what's a need that they have. And our whole goal is make them hungry.

And we're going to do that by creating what I call units of interest. I think of each one of these as like a unit of interest. And all you've got to do is get a bunch of these bagged up in advance so that once you know the kind of thing they want, you tell them that big fat claim, and it's already worded for you. Already have it in your head. You know it's like I gave you this process and said, "The way we're going to convince people is giving lots of emotional reasons to buy now." Urban. And you're going to give them some logical reasons to buy now. Luran. And the idea of that is to blow out the objections they would have, the dominant reasons they have for avoiding buying. Drab.

And what I'm saying to you is that what we want to do to build this up is we want to build up and advance a bunch of these. So we got them stacked over here in the corner where we have a bunch of these different things cranked over here, and we can just pull these bags and dump them on top, dump them on top, dump them on top to get enough interest that their fears or concerns start to shift. And that's what we want to do. We want to blow that completely out. We're going to eventually build these into what we call units of conviction. Right now, they're just units of interest.

And the reason they're units of interest, we're making a big fat claim, we're saying because blank fact, which means to you, and sell them a benefit one, you know they want. Don't just sell any benefit, which really means to you. So you get there right at a gut level, right, right at a heart level, right at an emotional level, not just an intellectual level. So you really got their interest and say, "And here's I'm going to support that." And don't tell them a lot, just enough so that they'll listen. And then back it up with getting permission to probe. "The purpose of my calling right now, the purpose of my meeting with you right now is just to get your answers to some questions. Is that okay?"

As soon as you have permission, you can now move to the next step. And the next step is going to be qualify them. You want to probe for problems and magnify the hurt so that you got somebody who really feels like they have a need and they really want to change. But you got to know who this person is and what their deepest wants are. That's going to work on next. But before we do, create some units of interest. You should have a whole sack full of these things you can reach out and drop right down to start pushing people over the edge. Remember, the most important part of this last aspect to engaging the part of interest is make them hungry to hear what you're going to say, or don't even start your presentation. You're wasting your [Music] time.

I hope you've enjoyed this session today and make sure you take action. Follow through on the exercise. You keep building the muscles and the skills that will make a difference. [Music] Great. Now, are you ready to create interest for your product or service? I know I am. So for today's assignment, we're going to do that right now. Remember, there are six steps in this process to get your client hungry to hear your presentation. Do you remember them?

Number one, big fat claim. What is the big fat claim that your client associates value to?

Number two, state a fact. Phrase this in terms of because. Remember what you learned before.

Number three, state a benefit. You might language that like, "What this means to you is..."

And of course, number four, state another benefit. And how you might say that is, "And what that really means to you is..."

Number five, state evidence. "And the reason why I say that is..."

And of course, number six, get permission to probe. Ask permission to ask questions or probe deeper.

So now, think about your product or service, or something you want to influence somebody to do. Create some units of interest for this product. And remember, you want to build up a bunch of these for your primary product or service so you're totally armed and you have created a big interest on the part of the client so that they are totally engaged and ready for the next step. I encourage you to practice this a few times so that you have it down, so that you have it in your nervous system. And also, you might try carrying around your power tools flashcards. That'll help you remember your steps and strategies. You know, if you carry them around with you and you read them over and over again, then pretty soon you don't have to carry them around in your pocket, you'll carry them around in your soul.

So congratulations, you've just finished phase one of the selling process. And now it's time to move to phase two. So have fun with your units, and I'll see you on the next [Music] [Applause] [Music] session.