Transcription
Do not live with men. I'm serious. Do not live with men ever. If you want to dramatically reduce the daily friction of patriarchy in your life, you need to start there because the domestic sphere is the easiest place to exploit women. It's where labor becomes invisible, where expectations become the default, and where your time slowly stops belonging to you. And the reason it works so well is because it looks like love.
But let's say that's not an option for you. Or maybe you already live alone and you've got that all sorted out. What do you do in the meantime? What do you do in the meantime until the matriarchy has fully risen? How can you mitigate the effects of patriarchy in your life? That's what I'm talking about in this video.
Before we get started, you know what to do. Love or hate, like and share because the algorithm does not care.
What does it mean to mitigate something? It means to make it less severe, less serious, or less painful. This video isn't about dismantling patriarchy overnight. We're not staging a coup or a revolution in our living room. This is about minimizing exposure, reducing harm, cutting your losses. It's about strategic positioning. So, how do you mitigate the [ __ ] that is patriarchy?
First, I return to my original statement. Do not live with men. The domestic sphere is patriarchy's favorite operating system. Women's unpaid labor subsidizes entire economies. Cooking, cleaning, emotional regulation, child care, scheduling, social planning, conflict mediation. None of it is compensated and all of it is expected. When you live with a man, the risk of sliding into unpaid managerial labor increases exponentially. Even in so-called progressive households, women often become the default project manager of the home. And the trap is subtle. It happens in increments. Can you handle dinner tonight? Can you remind me about that bill? Can you schedule my doctor's appointment? What do the kids usually eat for lunch? Can you pick a birthday card for my mom? You know that kind of stuff. And suddenly you're not in a relationship. You're in operations. You're an uncompensated chief operations officer.
Living alone is not lonely. It is controlled exposure. It's great, by the way. It's amazing. Couldn't recommend it more. It takes a lot of energy to constantly fight patriarchy in your own home. And personally, I don't want to waste my energy on that pursuit. And I don't think you should either, but that's just me.
If you already do live with a man, then we move on to a containment strategy. Control your economic exposure. Patriarchy runs on financial dependency. You need to have your own bank account. Period. Even if you're married, even if you trust him. Trust is not a financial plan. If you leave the workforce for caregiving, that decision should be accompanied by legally binding agreements, retirement contributions in your name. Clear asset structures, not love and mommy vibes, contracts, legally enforceable things. If you don't know already, you need to learn how money works, how taxes work, investments, property law. If you do not understand the paperwork, you are vulnerable. There are tons of financially savvy women who can give you advice on this stuff and I will tag a few of my favorites in the description. Money equals leverage. The goal is to reduce the leverage that anyone has over you.
And if you are considering leaving the workforce because child care costs as much as your annual salary, think again. Here's Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play, to explain why that argument is complete bull.
>> Hi everyone, my name is Eve Rodsky and I'm the New York Times bestselling author of Fair Play. Today we're going to be debunking some fair play myths. So today's myth is child care is expensive so I should quit my paying job. Who typically says that? Well, we see mothers typically saying that married to men. This is a father. Now that mother and that father, they made a decision to have a child and that's an economic decision. They need to take care of that child while they're both working. Mother makes $60,000 a year. Let's say father makes $110,000 a year. Child care is $62,000 a year. So what often happens is what mother says to herself is, well, child care is more expensive for my child, so I'm going to quit the paid workforce. Here's why we have to stop and think. So let's debunk this fair play myth and rewind and do a fair play approved calculation. Child care is $62,000. So $31,000 would come from mother's salary and $31,000 would come from father's salary. That means in this new equation, child care is not more expensive so that she should quit her paying job because it's a shared responsibility from both parties. When you do the economic equation this way, you understand that often it makes sense to stay in the paid workforce. Not only do we lose over a million dollars in lost wages if we take career pauses, but we're not thinking about the long term. Please don't think that women it's your sole responsibility to replace you. It is a joint household economic decision.
Next thing you need to limit your domestic exploitation. Audit the household. Who tracks the appointments? Who remembers birthdays? Who initiates hard conversations? Who notices when the toilet paper runs out? If it is always or almost always you, you need to ask yourself why. Split labor based on total hours worked, not on gender. If you both work the same amount of hours in the paid workforce, then the domestic labor should reflect that reality. And even if you don't work outside the home, that doesn't mean he's off the hook for domestic labor. No way. And stop automatically volunteering for emotional management. You're not a rehabilitation center. Your time is finite. Your energy is finite. And you are entitled to just as much free time and just as many hobbies as your male partner is. Patriarchy thrives when women overfunction. Mitigate the [ __ ] by refusing the unpaid heroics. And the fair play method is a great way to deal with this stuff. Link to the book is in the description.
Desenter male validation. This one is psychological. Many women are conditioned to measure their behavior against male approval. We're all conditioned to do that. Actually, we adjust our tone, our ambition, our clothing, humor, opinions, the amount of makeup we wear. We're trained to do this from birth. So, sometimes we don't even know that we're doing it. You need to stop. We need to stop. Practice making decisions without running them through a male approval filter. Build female centered social networks, female mentors, female collaborators, a female community. You are harder to manipulate when male validation stops being the currency. Mitigate theery by withdrawing from that reward system.
Next, choose geography intentionally. Where you live determines your legal vulnerability. Country by country, state by state. In the United States, reproductive rights vary widely by state. Divorce laws vary by state. Custody presumptions vary. If you are living in a jurisdiction that does not respect your autonomy, you are structurally exposed. So, research before you relocate. And don't relocate to a different state for his job if living in that state would put you in danger. I don't care how much money they're offering him. He can go without you and you need to stay put where you are safe. Understand before you entangle. I have purchased land for my late middle age and retirement in an intentional community. And the woman who founded it did a lot of research on where and how to establish this community in order to make it safe for black people, indigenous people, other people of color, LGBT, disabled, and neurodivergent folks. Safer. You can never be totally safe, but safer from immigration surveillance, environmental disaster, and land repossession. If you're interested in forming an intentional community yourself, she wrote a book detailing exactly how she did it. It's called The Intentional Life, and the link to that book is in the description. Patriarchy is embedded in law, so geography is not neutral. Mitigate the [ __ ] by choosing your terrain.
And of course, it goes without saying, protect your reproductive autonomy. This is the core leverage point. Pregnancy alters your economic trajectory. It alters your body. It alters your time. It alters your bargaining power in any relationship. Use birth control methods that you control. Insist that your partner wears a condom every time. I'm a big fan personally of combining two methods of birth control with the exception of a brief period of time when I was married after I was sterilized. I have always used two forms of birth control every single time. I have never had unprotected sex in my entire life. One was a method that I controlled. First the pill and then sterilization and the other was a condom. Always IUDs and sterilization are nearly 100% effective. So those are the best options. The most common methods are about 90 to 95% effective if you use them correctly every time. The reason why they report lower effectiveness rates in some contraceptive methods is because most people don't use them correctly and every time. You have to use them every time and as directed. This is important. We live in a fascist state. We can't be [ __ ] around with this anymore. Not like we ever could be, but the stakes are very high now. And if you're using two methods correctly every time, the odds that both will fail simultaneously are practically non-existent. There are now birth control pills available without a prescription. That's the O pill. It's progesterine only, and it is available at opill.com. Also linked in the description. Also have both the morning after pill and abortion pills on hand. You don't have to actually be pregnant to order abortion pills. You can get the morning after pill or Plan B as it's sometimes known. You can get that at Walgreens, CVS, you can buy that online. And you can order abortion pills online as well. Links to information on where you can buy these are also in the description.
As I was preparing to record this video, I saw an alert on my phone from Abortion Every Day, which is Jessica Valent's Substack Newsletter, that a woman in Tennessee had her sterilization procedure cancelled when she was already prepping for surgery. They had the IV in her arm and they cancelled her sterilization surgery to protect her sacred fertility. So, I don't usually make Handmaid's Tale references. Um, I think it's a little overdone. I'm going to make an exception in this case because I don't know how else to describe this. This is the newsletter I sent out about 10 minutes ago. Um, the lead story obviously is about a young woman in Tennessee who was denied her sterilization procedure. She was in the hospital like admitted to the hospital IV in arm waiting for her surgery when nurses came up to her and said we're so sorry but the ethics committee um of this Catholic hospital because of course it was Catholic the ethics committee has decided that you are too young and that they have a duty to protect your sacred fertility. What? I don't understand why I'm surprised. I have been writing about this long enough. I've been writing about this um since the end of Roe that I shouldn't be shocked, but something about this language just absolutely blew me the [ __ ] away. And this is happening at the same time, by the way, in Tennessee when one of the Republicans running for governor has come out to say he thinks women who have abortions should be punished with life in prison or the death penalty. It's happening at the same time that legislators in Tennessee have introduced a bill to punish abortion patients with life in prison or the death penalty. Um, and this in part is happening because a few months ago, last year, Tennessee passed a law that said healthcare providers, pharmacists, um, insurance carriers can deny people certain kinds of healthcare based on their own religious and personal beliefs. And of course, this is a Catholic hospital and so they get all of these allowances to deny people care. And I swear I'll stop ranting in a second, but this particular hospital is an Ascension hospital. And Ascension Hospitals are known for this [ __ ]. I think it was last year or in 2024, um, Ascension was found responsible of violating federal emergency treatment law, right? Like the law that says, "Hey, you have to save someone's life if they come to the emergency room, no matter what you think." They violated that because they wouldn't treat a woman with an ectopic pregnancy. And last year I interviewed a young woman, a woman in her 20s who ended up with no fallopian tubes because her Ascension doctor refused to treat her ectopic pregnancy. So this is all happening. This is happening. This is happening all the time. The stories that you hear, it's like the tip of the tip of the iceberg. And I know there's so much going on. There is so much news. Um all of it is important. Please make sure that you are not missing these stories. This is part of the reason I write the newsletter. I am so desperate to to make sure that these stories are not falling through the cracks that we can actually follow what they're up to.
>> She said, "Since I was young, I've never wanted kids and I've wanted to pursue sterilization since I learned that that was something a person could do. I've tried a lot of different options for birth control, and none of them have worked for me." The woman said she was admitted, spoke to the surgical team, had the IV placed in before waiting about 3 hours with no update. A group of nurses then came in and informed her that her procedure had been cancelled. The hospital wasn't going to permit her to go through with it because they had concerns about the implications of sterilizing a woman so young. She said she was told the decision came from the hospital's Catholic ethics oversight committee and the committee cited a quote duty to protect her sacred fertility. The woman told WSMV that her reasons for pursuing sterilization included a history of sexual assault. Previous issues with other forms of birth control and concerns about living in a state without abortion access and she had already prepaid for the surgery. So, she's now waiting on getting a refund from the hospital. These Catholic hospital systems are trouble. And I think I read somewhere once that I think a fifth of US hospitals are owned by the Catholic Church in the United States.
Do not live in these states with no abortion access. Live in a state that safeguards your rights. Know your state's laws regarding custody, child support. Be cautious about tying yourself legally to a man. And I know this is coming from a place of privilege. I have been so so so lucky in my life that I have been able to live in very very blue states where my rights are protected for my entire life. I was born in California and I've lived in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Washington DC, and Illinois. All very, very blue states. If you can't do it on your own, team up with friends to live in a state that's better for you. If you have a good relationship with your parents, if they're not toxic or abusive and they live in a safe state, consider living with them until you can figure out your next move. Do whatever you need to do to get out of these states. If you are a person with the ability to get pregnant, or if you have daughters with the ability to get pregnant, get them out. This is not romantic cynicism. This is risk assessment. Women are literally dying because of these laws. Mitigate the [ __ ] by protecting the one decision that can permanently restructure and perhaps end your life.
Refuse isolation. Patriarchy isolates women through romance mythology. The "you're all I need" relationship narrative might sound poetic, but it is very, very dangerous. Maintain friendships outside of your romantic relationships. Keep your hobbies. Keep independent income streams. Keep separate intellectual communities. Personally, I recommend keeping money that he doesn't know about. Just saying. Little rainy day fund. Isolation increases vulnerability. Community increases options. Mitigate the [ __ ] by refusing to shrink your world for a man.
Do not internalize male fragility. Women are socialized to soften themselves to protect the male ego. We downplay our achievements. We minimize our expertise. We cushion truth. Let men sit in their discomfort. Let them be lonely. It's not fatal, contrary to popular belief. Stop translating your intelligence into digestible pieces that make some man comfortable. Discomfort is not abuse. They're just feelings and it's his responsibility to deal with his feelings, not yours. Mitigate the by refusing to see the management of male emotional volatility as your personal responsibility.
Audit your media consumption. Cultural conditioning is powerful. What images are you seeing of women's bodies on your Instagram, on your YouTube? Are they images of only one particular kind of body or are they diverse? Ask yourself that. What romantic narratives are you absorbing? Romantic narratives that glorify sacrifice, martyrdom, and endless forgiveness shape our behavior. Pay attention to the stories you consume. Notice how often female suffering is framed as noble within those stories. Notice how often redemption arcs center male growth at female expense. You want to read a romance novel? I have a recommendation. There's one called Before You Say Goodbye. It's a feminist romance novel by Sarah Gate. It features a very complicated female lead character. The link to the book is in the description. Replace those problematic narratives with stories of female agency. Mitigate the [ __ ] by controlling the input.
Delay legal entanglements, marriage, shared property, co-signing loans. These are legal contracts. This is not a fairy tale. Do not cosign debt for men. Understand prenuptial agreements. The part of my marriage that always worked really well were our finances. And here's how we divided everything. We both had separate checking accounts, savings accounts, and retirement accounts. Then we had one checking account for all of our common bills, our rent, our utilities, etc. Think of this as your business operating account. Think of your marriage or your domestic relationship, even if you live together and you're not married, as a train track with two rails. And one rail is the romantic feelings, emotion part, and the other rail is the business side, the financial side. And if either of those rails are bent, the train goes off the tracks. So, you add up all the common bills and then you add up both of your take-home pay after taxes, retirement contributions, and contributions to your individual savings accounts. Then you take your take-home pay and divide it by the total take-home pay for the two of you. This will give you a percentage. That is the percentage of your take-home pay that you will put in the shared savings account. No more, no less. This makes it fair when one person makes significantly more money than the other. In that situation, it's not fair to just split everything 50/50. You pay the percentage into the common pot that corresponds to what you bring home. Little tip from Medio. We also had a prenuptial agreement, so that made our divorce really easy. Do not merge finances without clarity. Paperwork creates power structures. Ignorance of paperwork does not protect you, and an ignorance of paperwork puts you in danger. Mitigate the [ __ ] by reading the fine print before signing anything.
Finally, build an exit strategy. The most powerful woman in any room is the one who can leave whenever the [ __ ] she wants. Maintain savings. Keep your skills current. Have copies of all your important documents organized and in a safe place. Never burn professional bridges for a romantic relationship. Having an exit strategy doesn't mean that you are planning to leave. It just means that you are not trapped. Optionality reduces the opportunities for coercion. Mitigate the [ __ ] by preserving your mobility.
Here's the truth. Patriarchy is not just a political ideology. It's a system of incentives. It rewards dependency. It rewards overfunctioning. It rewards self-sacrifice. It rewards silence. You do not have to dismantle the entire structure to change your life. You can reduce your exposure. You can contain risk and you can reclaim leverage. Mitigation is not bitterness. It is strategy. It is waking up and realizing that your time, your labor, your body, your mind are assets. And assets require protection. That's what mitigate the [ __ ] means. It means refusing to volunteer for your own exploitation. It means reading the fine print. It means building community. It means maintaining an exit. It means choosing yourself as carefully as the world expects you to choose everyone else. And if you need a reminder, you can head over to my merch shop where I have a t-shirt and a mug that state this plainly, not as a joke, as a policy. Tighten your boundaries and move through the world strategically. You might not be able to eliminate the [ __ ] but you can certainly mitigate it. Thanks for watching. See you next time.
If you enjoy this kind of content, I invite you to watch my series, Witches, Horse, and Rebels: A Feminist History of Patriarchal Capitalism and How to Burn It Down. It's a three-part series with a 90-page companion guide that gives you the history of how we got here, centering the witch hunts, women's resistance, and providing a framework for how we move forward from here. The link is in the description when you're