Transcription
Hi everyone, it's Dr. Romini. Welcome to this YouTube channel on all things about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
If you're new to this channel, welcome. We upload new content on narcissism and narcissistic abuse every day. Please hit that subscribe button and please join this amazing community. You'll often learn more from their comment section than from the video.
We get hundreds of questions per week, um, and then probably hundreds more in the comment sections on the video and through social media. Many times, the questions repeat, as you could imagine. So, periodically, I'm going to use this YouTube channel as a forum to answer these questions. So, since clearly many of you are asking some of them, and I'm hoping that this could be a useful way to get them answered for everyone.
So, the question we're going to be tackling today is, what type of therapy is best for recovery from narcissistic abuse? A person may feel as though, like, okay, I feel like I get this. I understand narcissism now. I feel like I understand narcissistic abuse, but I don't know how to move forward from the rumination and all the rest of it. This is such an important question, and I agree. At this point, if you've been watching this channel long enough, I gotta tell you, most of you basically have the equivalent of a graduate degree in narcissism. You probably know more than a lot of therapists. You know what it is, where it comes from, how it impacts people, what the dynamics look like. You get it. But the quest, the bigger question people have: I understand narcissism, I understand narcissistic abuse. The big question is, what do I do about this?
As of now, there is no one therapy for narcissistic abuse, per se. Now, in my work in this, I've actually developed a model that I found works really well with individuals who are recovering from narcissistic abuse, and that really any therapist can use. So, let's start by taking on what a client needs in therapy. What you need to sort of look for in therapy when you're trying to find a pathway to recover from narcissistic abuse.
Number one, you need a therapist who gets it. At this point, lots of therapists, as of now, don't. And that's in large part because nothing even approximating this is taught in any graduate school or clinical training. It's, it's a relatively new area. Ironically, these issues around difficult relationships and trauma, they've been around since forever, but systematically addressing it from this perspective of focusing on narcissistic abuse is new. And I gotta tell you, there's still lots of pushback from the mental health field. There is still a tendency to be critical of a person who shows up to therapy and says that they have experienced narcissistic abuse. More than a few therapists will say, "Well, you shouldn't diagnose your partner or your family member," and that each person in a relationship is responsible for what is happening, or that, "Well, we can't really say they're narcissistic because they're not here to share their point of view, so let's just focus on your role in all of these problems," or the therapist will say something like, "Well, all marriages are hard." So, I'd love to hear from you on that one. Drop a comment. Did any of you ever see a therapist that you felt didn't fully understand narcissism or narcissistic abuse? What was some of the invalidation you may have experienced in therapy?
But it's absolutely important, going back to this point, that you need a therapist that understands the dynamics of narcissism and of narcissistic relationships and does not engage in blaming you or pathologizing you when you are describing dynamics such as gaslighting and love bombing and trauma bonding and all the rest of it. Frankly, you shouldn't have to be your therapist's teacher. While a therapist out there, there are many, many therapists out there, may that don't position themselves as an expert in narcissism or narcissistic abuse, one thing to keep in mind is that therapists who have a background in trauma or trauma-informed practices, they often do understand the critical importance of principles such as validation and avoiding blame. And such informed therapists understand that these kinds of patterns leave you confused and doubting yourself. And then to give you the time and space you need to make sense of these toxic relationship dynamics, to grieve them, and to figure out what you want to do and how best to cope.
Number two, you need a therapist who doesn't get so focused on the theory behind their treatment model, for example, cognitive behavioral therapy, that they do not make space for the unique aspects of narcissistic abuse. As an example, cognitive behavioral therapy is very much focused on teaching a person to change how they think with the intended effect of then changing how they behave. Now, this may work, and it works well when the behaviors are solely related to a person's belief. But when you're working in the area of narcissistic abuse, we need a framework around the narcissistic abuse, right? Narcissism is resistant to change. That gaslighting is a very real phenomenon because there is a risk of putting the onus on the person who is experiencing the narcissistic abuse to change how they think. So, you're going into therapy, the therapist who's doing, for example, cognitive behavioral therapy will want to focus on changing how you think instead of teaching the client that no matter how, how, no matter how you think you're experiencing narcissistic abuse, no matter how much you think that being gaslighted and manipulated feels awful, and there's nothing you can do to change the other person's behavior, there has to be education and contextualizing of narcissistic abuse in any form of therapy before turning solely to principles like, "You need to change how you think." You can change how you think until forever, that ain't gonna stop someone from gaslighting you.
Number three, you've got to avoid therapeutic situations where keeping the relationship together is such a strong part of the agenda. Some couples therapists or people who are solely relationship-focused or pastorally or religiously informed counselors are very, very invested in the idea that the only desirable outcome, short of it being physically dangerous, is making the relationship work, and that that's the best possible goal. The problem with that is that that does not account for the toxic and the unchanging dynamics of a narcissistic relationship and may foster guilt, a sense of failure, and a sense of self-blame.
Number four, as I noted above, if you ever noted earlier, I should say. Number four, as I noted earlier, if you can't find an expert in narcissistic abuse, look for therapists who focus on trauma. Trauma-informed therapists understand how to work with people who have been through a traumatic and fear-inducing and frankly confusing experience from a place of validation, safety, support, and with a whole full understanding of how trauma affects the nervous system and the person holistically. That perspective can be really, really useful as a part of being treated for narcissistic abuse. And therapists are really on top of ensuring that a person doesn't blame themselves for something that happened to them.
Number five, it's important you work with someone who has a wider understanding of grief. Healing from narcissistic abuse is a deep dive into grief, and not how we usually think of grief for the dead, but grief for experiences that have been missed and lost, grief over loss of hope, grief over loss of time. And a therapist using a grief recovery format can, and on top of that, if they also understand the dynamics of narcissism, that can be really useful.
Number six, the nice thing to keep in mind is that the techniques that work with survivors of narcissistic abuse, they are, what it's, there's a word I'm going to use, is we're going to call it transtheoretical. This framework, a framework that works with clients who are going through narcissistic abuse, can be used by a therapist regardless of whatever their theoretical orientation is. You might find a therapist who's psychodynamic or humanistic or cognitive behavioral or eclectic. It just requires that the therapist understand the natural history of the narcissistic relationship, the rigid and unchanging nature of narcissistic personalities, and other themes like cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding, and the things that happen to a person who has experienced a narcissistic relationship, and to see it in that context. So, any therapist can do this work if they're willing to see it for what it is.
Number seven, it's important that the therapist be able to work from a culturally informed perspective to be able to wholly understand narcissistic abuse and what it does to a person. Does require a therapist who understands the more nuanced issues and the important issues around race, ethnicity, social class, gender, sexual identity, LGBTQ+ identity, religion, nationality, ableism, age, because this stuff matters in understanding what people experience outside of the room and the cultural barriers and the other barriers that that exist to being helped, to being heard, and to getting stuck in these relationship cycles. If a person is already being gaslighted by the world at large, it makes the gaslighting in their individual relationship feel actually a lot worse.
Number eight, try to avoid, or you know, reconsider a therapist that makes your therapy their story. While I do acknowledge that having been through narcissistic abuse definitely gives a therapist an informed and empathic perspective, every survivor story I've ever heard has been different. For example, things that worked for me and parts of my story, they may not work for you or even be relevant to you. Therapy is your space, your story, your experience. And if they doubt your experience based on theirs or give you advice based on theirs or say, "Well, this is what happened in my story," that may not be such a good fit for you. Their perspective could be usual, could be useful for a minute, but your therapy is not meant to be a space to, to sort of share their heroic narcissistic abuse survivor tale or their narrative. You may want to hear it, but beyond that, it's your time.
Number nine, just because a therapist describes themselves on a website or someplace else as a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, doesn't always necessarily mean they'll be a good fit for you. They may be a good therapist for someone else, but if it doesn't feel good for you, it doesn't feel good for you. It's also a possibility they've called themselves an expert, but they aren't. There are no, right now, we're still working on the credentialing around this. But be sure that whatever, whoever you see for therapy, you feel safe or heard. Because there's a lot of therapists out there who don't call themselves narcissus, narcissistic abuse experts, and there actually could be a really great fit for you. Other people, like I said, may call themselves this kind of an expert, and you don't really like them. After going through narcissistic abuse, people don't always trust their instincts. Let this be the day, and let this be the process that leads you to starting to trust yours. If the therapy experience doesn't feel good, you have the right to step away and find another therapist. Don't worry about hurting the therapist's feelings.
Number 10, consider rounding out therapy with support groups, but choose carefully. Some support groups may not be well-moderated, so if the, the group doesn't feel right or safe, don't ever feel compelled to stick it out. But having safe, good, well-moderated peer spaces and supportive spaces can be useful to your healing and growth and help you kind of derive strength and belonging from recognizing other people have been through this.
Number 11, you got to do work between sessions. I am one of many that strongly encourages journaling, list making, rituals, routines, cleaning out toxic folks, reading, getting educated, mindfulness. This is about a change in your whole life. And while therapy is important, the 167 hours or the work between sessions is crucially important as well. I'd love to have you drop a comment. What are some of the things, those of you who are sort of really doing the work to push back on narcissistic abuse, what's the work that you've done between sessions that's helped you?
Number 12, be wary of anyone who says they'll snap you back into shape from narcissistic abuse in six weeks or some set amount of time. Healing is personal. There is no schedule. It's always a process. Some people take months, some people take years, and that's fine.
Number 13, work with the therapist who helps you identify any other issues that you may be experiencing, such as anxiety, depression, substance use, disordered eating, and then helps you and works with you to manage them alongside the narcissistic abuse patterns that you are experiencing. The narcissistic abuse is interlinked with the other stuff you're going through, and both issues need to be addressed simultaneously. It's not as simple as, "Oh, once we treat your anxiety, we'll circle back and we'll talk about that." Narcissistic abuse, interdependent, have to be dealt with together.
Now, ultimately, when it comes to therapy for narcissistic abuse, as of now, again, we now, now it's time for us to start doing the research, but there is no sort of singular model that works best. But a good model includes trauma-informed practices, trust, not being blamed or invalidated by the therapist. For example, if anyone ever asks you the question, "Why did you stay so long?" No, no, no. Good therapy includes grief work, education about the patterns of narcissism, specifically as to how they're relevant to your situation, awareness regarding dynamics such as gaslighting and how to fortify and strengthen yourself, techniques to address rumination, awareness about the intersectional and cultural issues that are relevant specifically to you, gender, race, you name it, and awareness of psychosocial issues like domestic violence or elder issues or custody issues, and connection to awareness of resources that could be useful. Your therapist doesn't have to be an expert in this. They just need to know that these are important things to seek out or even get consultation for themselves to help you.
This whole world of narcissistic abuse is a complex and evolving space. And I'm telling you this again, as a last thought, I'm going to repeat this: If the therapeutic relationship doesn't feel good, then leave. Not all of us are a perfect match for every client. It's very hard for survivors of narcissistic abuse to value themselves enough to say that a given therapist doesn't feel right. But sometimes it doesn't, and it's important to find someone who works for you. You deserve at least that much.
All of this is a process. Most people come out of this wiser, stronger, a bit battle-scarred. But remember what Rumi says about those wounds, right? Those wounds are where the light enters us. So, let therapy be a place of self-advocacy for you, of resilience building, of addressing what has harmed and hurt you. Let it be a place that is designed to help you, but never to blame you or shame you.
So, I hope that you found the, you found the answer to a question about therapy in this video. So, please give this video a thumbs up if you did. And any other questions you may want to ask, please drop them here if you want them addressed in future videos. Thanks again.