The Apollo Show #51 - Lana Smalls, She Did What to Johnny Sin's Head?!?

[Music]

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of the Apollo Show. I'm your host, Apollo, and I'm here with the beautiful Lana of Smalls.

Hang on, Lana of Smalls, I'm great. We just did terrible things to each other. We did, and it was, we nutted. We did. It was so good. I swallowed. That was amazing. I licked your face clean. I actually, um, loved that you were really into my cuz I sweat a lot and I, I sometimes get self-conscious about how much I sweat. I love a sweaty guy. More pheromone. It's like a little upper T. What do they call it when someone's into smells? I, I don't even know, honestly. It just makes me feel like animalistic to me. Yeah, absolutely. But it's, it's a certain, they have a word for it apparently. Apparently, it's a, it's a type of person who is into. Let's Google that right now. My goodness, what is this? Um, olfactophilia. Olfactophilia. Agia is a paraphilia for, for smells and odors emanating from the body. So you're an olfactophiliac? Yeah, exactly. What she said. Everyone, what she said, mate.

How long have you been in the industry for now? I think three years. So 202, well, I guess I was doing work in 2020, but I didn't do mainstream stuff until 2021. When you say you were doing work, was that OnlyFans style stuff? Yep. Cool. Mhm. Awesome. Like everyone, I guess during Co, the Co era, especially. He, I'm assuming you were in LA at that time? I was actually in Portland. Okay. I was in college and I was a broke college girl at one point, and I was like, so not down to move back in with my parents because of Co. I also, I mean, I did really start because I wanted to be able to afford expensive cheese, cuz what they were feeding us at the college was not good. Not good. Not good. And I totally just, I'm a for a Brie cheese and I, it's an inexpensive habit to have. Absolutely. So I make that cheddar. Yeah, I needed the cheddar for the cheese. What? So I, uh, I started doing work and I, I kind of wiggled my way through and then eventually I had met someone who was like, you should do mainstream. And I was like, that sounds so scary. And then I did it and I actually was not scared at all. I was honestly pretty excited. Great. Yeah, I feel like I tend to just jump into things like pretty easily and I actually don't get the nervousness. That's a great skill to have. The, the, the ability to go into something without like crazily overthinking and creating that, um, anxiety. Yeah. You know, I don't think I'm scared of things anymore. I don't feel fear to a certain extent, which I don't know if that's a wonderful thing. I just went skydiving and I, not a single shred of anxiety or anything. I was like, driving there and I was like, I'm going to take a nap. While my friend was the one driving, and then we're like, in the plane and I'm like, okay, I'm getting hungry. And then, um, that's amazing. You see, I would be like freaking the out. The, absolutely nothing. Even the jump, like the very first jump, like you're supposed to get like a thing. And that was my first time doing a backflip. That was a cool thing. You did a backflip out of the plane? I did a backflip out of the plane. I've never done a backflip before. Were you, were you joined to someone? Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I totally like made some little jokes. And at first, he was not with it. And then after he realized I wasn't like, lose weenie and I was actually like down for this, he liked me. But in the beginning, you're like strapped to this person and their balls is against your. So I was like, gu hot. No, little old grand, not really grandpa, but he had a grandpa energy and I was like, I have little old grandpa energy. This is good. But at one point, we're in the plane and he straps me really tight to him. And I look at him and I'm like, I feel so close to you right now. And he was like, we're not doing this, little lady. And I was like, you just wait. You just wait, buddy. We're going to jump out of this plane together and you're going to realize how cool I am. And then he totally liked me. I gave him my Instagram after. Oh, brilliant. And I was like, just so you know, if you have like a wife or anything, like you don't want to do this, that's, yeah, just so you know, she can't see my Instagram. Yeah, just so you like, don't get hit with a frying pan when you get home or something. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

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Vibes. Well, not getting scared at all. That's got to be some sort of condition, cuz that's what I'm Al, that's what I was worried about. Not in a like a bad way. It's not like, well, it's a little bit bad because I realized when I got like, when I landed on everything and I still didn't feel anything, nothing hit me. And I was just like, I don't fear death at all. I, that's not necessarily a good thing because now I'm like, am I just like super wasteful with my life? Do I just like, am I okay? Is my Zoloft working a little too well? Like what? Zoloft? Sorry, it's an antidepressant and like anti-anxiety. Well, I mean, that could be part of that. I'm thinking too. I'm like, am I just a zombie? But a part of me was just like, I don't fear death at all. Did you used to have fear? Like, do you remember fear from like, before you were on medication, or have you been like medicated for long enough you can't really remember beforehand? I don't know. I mean, I, I've definitely had many times in my life where I've been scared, but I think the thing is is that I've almost died so many times. What? Yeah. That I just at that point, like now I'm like, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to be like a thrill seeker until like I actually am dying. And then I'm like, oh, it's happening. I don't think that that feeling is coming back anytime. All right. Yeah. Great. After a certain amount of times of like near-death experiences, you're just kind of like, well, I kind of have to, I kind of have to pull the, pull the lid off this can. Yeah. How did I almost die? One, are these near-death experiences? I've had one where I just, I nearly stepped off the curb once while I was shamefully texting. Done. And a bus literally grazed my toe as it was like a wall in front of me, like as it like steamed past me. I was like, one millisecond less, I would have literally been sent 50 meters that way. It's scraped across the pavement. Yeah, yeah. No, I, I did that once too. It was like a big, big old truck. The, the two big instances, and I've had a couple of other like minor ones where it's like, maybe she's going to die, maybe not. I don't know. But the two big ones were like, almost bleeding to death, both times. Once when I was mauled by a dog and I was bleeding out on the concrete. Crazy. This lady was like slapping me in the face to keep me conscious, cuz she was nervous, like with the blood loss, that if I, like fell asleep, then I would go into like a coma or something. And then the second time, I had a never-ending period for two months. My very first period lasted two months. You know what's crazy? This is a common experience. You know what's crazy? I was literally as you said, nearly bled to death. I was going to make a joke. I was going to be like, I was going to be like, crazy period, crazy period. And I was like, maybe this is, maybe that's cutting it too far for this. We're trying to be serious here. Oh, no, can make these jokes. I have to make these jokes. So actually, was your period? That is hilarious. Insane, right? Wor. So that was your first period ever? First period ever lasted two months. I bled through. I would wear giant tampons, the jumbo pads. I was basically like walking in a diaper and I was dying. I was bleeding out. And I remember going to like primary doctor twice and was like, I can't stop bleeding. I have bled onto every mattress in my family's house. Every mattress. I bled through. I bled through the mattress protector and right into that. I remember one time it was so bad and I felt so bad leaving a trail of blood stains around my house that I had slept in a bathtub. My dad woke up and was like, where the hell is she? Like, what happened? Is she okay? And then he finds me like in a bathtub and I'm just like, sitting there with my pillow. Sorry, I don't know what else to do. So like, for anyone who's just listening, you're very small. Like you're not, it's not like you've got a lot of blood. And I'm assuming when you first got your period, that would have been when you were like 13. I was like 14, whatever. And you would have been smaller than you are now. So like, what's the kind? 80 pounds? What's the fix for that? Did it, this pounder full of like hormones to stop it or what? So yes, I was at one point, that was when I had my first seizure. I had a seizure, uh, in the shower, uh, from the blood loss. And I was like, honestly, past anemia at that point. It's just like, that's just ma, that's like cutting off someone's leg and it's just like spewing out. Did you have to get a blood transfusion? Yes, I did. I did. I had a seizure, went to the hospital. They were like, oh, she's going to die. So then they gave me a blood transfusion. I think like two, maybe. And then, uh, they put me on just like an estrogen birth control. And I cannot go off of it, or else I'll just keep bleeding. Yeah. I tried going off of it one time in college and tried doing the shot because I was like, you know, I'm a party girl. Maybe I, I like, don't want the responsibility of a pill. So I tried doing the shot, bled to death again. Was like, okay, we're going to stick on this because I, I guess I just need the extra estrogen. So I cannot go off birth control, which is awesome because I do not plan on being a mother. I do not plan on being a mother. The away from me with your fertile P. Not really, but still. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm not like keen for kids either right now. Like, give me, but you know what? 10 years ago, I was like, give me 10 years. And even right now, I'm like, give me 10 years. No, I like having money. I like having money that I can throw away at myself or to my friends. But like, having a baby means like having an extra $2 million that you're just like, down to throw away. I don't even care about the money. It's the time and effort. Like my dog, I love her, but I can put her out the back and be like, I'll see you in 8 hours, drunk. Yes. See D. Yeah, no, same with my cats. It's like, they, they have all their toys, their cat trees and stuff. I have my roommates. A baby, I can't just like pass to my roommate and be like, hey, can you feed it at this time? Like, that is a job. Oh my God. Yeah, no, I'm not meant for that. I also like, with my OCD and the intrusive thoughts, like, M, I can't be trusted. I, I, I get intrusive thoughts a lot around babies. Like I'll see a newborn and I'm like, what if you just punched it right now? And I know that it is like, it's a symptom of OCD or a million other things. People get intrusive thoughts all the time. I'm not going to punch a baby. Allegedly, it's normal. Not punching the baby, but intrusive thoughts. Totally normal. I mean, you're driving near a, and you're like, yeah, it's, it's a very normal thing. It's a very human thing to have intrusive thoughts. But it has scared me enough where I'm like, do not come near me with a newborn baby, cuz the fact that I even think it scares the out of. Feel yourself. Like your friend comes over there. Can you feel yourself clenching your fist? Like, no. Yeah, I like see it coming up and I don't even notice. It has like a mind of its own. You just like practiced that in your head so many times. Comes a reality. Oh my God. Yeah, I just, I, I've traumatized myself enough that not going to happen. Not anytime soon. No, thank you.

You do a lot of stuff, right? Like, you're, you spend a lot of time on like, um, what's that brand? Kink. Kink. Kink. Yeah. I just did, I did my second shoot with them. I haven't done too many. They were my dream company since I first started. Right. Dream, dream, dream company. Would like, what would you, congratulations, by the way. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. What would my thing be? What do you mean? Like certain, yeah, like what's your kink? Like, like what are, like when you go on like a, on a kink set, like what kind of stuff are you doing? You to, uh, to a table and, yeah. I love to be. My biggest thing with, like, my biggest fear, actually, which is hard for me to reach at times, but my biggest fear, I want to like, the anticipation of not knowing what they're going to do to you. I had someone like recently that I was hooking up with, like blindfold me and put like earplugs in my ear with like this like bimbo hypnotization playlist, and I like couldn't hear what he was going to do to me next, and I was just like shaking, like so afraid of like, what is he going to put something in my. What the, um, so I love the fear. So a lot of it is like consensual non-consent stuff, but it's just so hard to find people to do that safely with. It terrifies me. Girls have asked me before for CNC. I can understand as a man, it's probably very scary. You don't want to like accidentally hurt someone or like have them like enjoy it and then maybe be like, really, like, maybe I'm triggered by this later. Like, yeah, you have to do it with someone that you very much trust. You have to. There has to be so much trust in that relationship. It's not something you can do with just anyone. You can't do it just for like a scene and then be like, okay, bye. This was a great first time meeting. Yeah, that has to be with someone like you like already love and trust, at least for me. Like, I cannot allow that mindset to be with a stranger. No. Just because you're going so far. Yeah, you're, you're pushing your boundaries. You want someone who can like read you and read your body language and know when enough is enough, when you don't necessarily know. Like, now I'm very good. I was like practicing around with that in the past in very unsafe environments with unsafe people who actually just wanted to assault me. And it wasn't like a thing. You know, that sounds rough. It's not good. Um, but like, so like learning from those experiences, I'm like, okay, well, I was a dumb and now I'm going to only do it this way with like, and I'm going to say like, my safe words if I need to. Like, I very much understand my boundaries with that stuff now. Y. But Kink is definitely one of those companies where I actually feel like I can explore that in like a safe way. Um, my first one with Tommy Pistol was amazing. Oh my God, shout out Tommy. I love you. He was awesome. He was really good at like the, like, like when enough was enough and like kind of checking in in between takes and stuff. Um, and he was able to go like full force with like everything I asked for. Like the, the degradation. I thought was really fun. I told him beforehand, I was like, tell me my, and that it's loose as hell and pointless. Like, you can't even feel shit. There's no point in me. Like, tell me it is just the worst you've ever had in your life. Cuz I'm very confident about my, and she's beautiful, she's amazing. Awesome. So I'm like, I think it's really funny to just be like, it's ugly and stupid. No one likes you. I'm just like, that does something to me. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That was fun. Nice. That was a nice time. Yeah. I love that. Okay, I have a question for you. When did you start and why? So I started, uh, during Co. I have a, I used to own a. You were a Co baby too? Yeah. So I used to own a gym in a place called Canberra. You would own a gym? Yeah. I was a personal trainer for 12 years. Buff boy. Right. Yeah. I like to work on it. But but that was like only like paying the bills. And I was in a like, Canberra was very cold in winter. Very cold. Very cold. Most months except summer. Like every month is like, you need to be wearing a long sleeve and pants. I would love that. I hate that. See, I, I like where I live is like, where I live is like similar weather to LA, but it's a cleaner city. Brisbane. So think everywhere is a cleaner city than LA. Yes. Yes. Correct. But I moved to Brisbane when, um, my lease was up at this gym and my business partner kept the gym, kept the debt. I walked away debt-free with a with a goal to go and start my life in Brisbane doing gym stuff, which I did. And then Co hit. My business just fried it. Cuz like, I was new to the city, so they were new clients. So everyone was just like, see you. But I, um, started OnlyFans because I was doing TikTok and Instagram Reels as like a hobby. Oh, I bet they loved it. Cuz I was really ripped at that time because I was, I was training for something before just before Co hit. So I had like a rippling six-pack. So I had like a huge gay following who basically funded my like entire lifestyle during Co. And yeah. And you're hot. You got nice hair. Good mustache. Yeah. Doing my best. Great nose. I'm, I'm a big fan of noses. Never heard someone say have a great nose. You have a great nose. You have a good, strong nose. I do. You have a fertile nose. Thank you. You have a nose that could conquer the world. You can nose anytime. Okay. You're welcome. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, that's when I started and why I started. And it's kind of just gone step by step ever since. Like, I do it from Australia. And the reason I'm here is because like, everyone I work with in Australia is great, but I feel like you have to widen the variety. Well, I feel like if you talk to, you know, 100 people on the street and you say, hey, who is your favorite to look up on online? It's almost never an Aussie girl. It's someone who's working from here, you know what I mean? So if you can get yourself to a position where you can start working with the, with the big, bigger names, it creates bigger business. Yes. Period. Yes. Yeah. Mind you, if there are popular girls back home who don't even have, some girls who don't have a big following, just have a lot of adorers. Like a lot of men who are like, I want to see that. So like, I'm not saying that, you know, girls with like no followings or whatever don't do well. Sometimes, but it's just like, yeah, I mean, who you work with is like, how you market in this industry. It's not always like, oh, I think you're sexy. And one. I mean, definitely there's like people I work with who I'm like, I just feel like we have great chemistry and it looks good, so it works. But they don't have like a following that's going to like necessarily bring so many fans to me. I'm almost like, kind of bringing stuff to them, but it works because it looks nice and we enjoy ourselves and we're safe. But it really is important to find like the people that are bigger than you and be like, me on camera, give me a shot, you know? If you need any like prep or like any heads up on what to do on set, how it's going. Absolutely. Yeah. Drink your water. I've got that covered. That's pretty. Yeah, I mean, all you have to do is not be a piece of shit and be hydrated and healthy, and I think you'll be just fine. And I think you've got all of those covered. So yeah. I do. I do. I think my, my anxiety comes from like nutting on cue with a bunch of men looking at me. Yeah, that's usually where where the issue is. If they're like, right, every, you did great with everything, everything's great. Okay, let's, and you got five minutes. Take your time. But like, it might take me like 15 minutes of hard. Yeah, you know what I mean? Just that's just my body. So I'm like, really. And then if someone's looking at me and I'm like, waiting for me, and you start thinking of that, then you start prolonging it. And then if the girl is also like, not like comfortable off camera, which is totally fine. Sometimes I don't want to off camera with my co-stars because I'm just like, I need to save my energy. I got, I got sleep disorder. I'm going to bed. But then it's like this awkward thing of you like watching. Yeah. See, that all sounds like, that all sounds like an actual nightmare to me. Yeah. It's awkward. Awkward. So besides that, if I had this like skill, like I'm sure there are men out there that literally can just be like, all right, I'm just going to step over here for 10 seconds, a minute, and just close my eyes, think of something sexy, and then I can bring myself to the brink and then step back into the thing. I really respect those guys. There's a handful, but it definitely isn't like a common talent. I would say most male talent have to like, like really work. Basically, the whole scene is them working towards like that perfect pop shot. So it's like, it is, I think it's like a practice. It's training. Well, you know what's funny? Like up until, um, so about six months ago, I realized that I had this thing where I wasn't really, I was like, I haven't standing up almost like ever in the, like, I would always laying down in a certain position or like me on my back with the girl on top, or me on top of the girl in some, in some way. Man blanket style. Mhm. But then I was like, if I'm on like set, they'll be like, you need to be standing. And so aggressively. Yeah, you do. Yeah, right. That I literally lose my legs. My legs start to buckle underneath me. So I actually after last trip was like, okay, if I'm at any chance of like, to be confident to do a mainstream shoot eventually, I need to be able to be confident standing up. So anyway, I was doing all this like training where I would like, and like in the shower and be like, okay, where am I most comfortable? I'm me. I'm most comfortable in the shower. Okay. So I'm going to go like, no stimulus. No, no. Mhm. I'm just going to time myself and see how long it takes me to go from like flaccid to standing up. Mhm. And I got there in like seven and a half, eight minutes. Okay. First time, or maybe it was 10 minutes. And then I brought it down to seven. But anyway, yeah. But then I broke my. It's like literally snapped my half. No. Oh, dude, that's a whole thing. Yeah. So pee, pee injury. I did. I did it up. Had to go to the hospital. Was crazy. But I took like, but then I had to take like 40 days. I say I took 30, 1 days where I didn't touch it at all, which is true. I literally didn't touch it. Cuz the nurses were like, four to six weeks is the time. And they're like, don't touch it as best you can. They're like, we know you might go back early. But in my head, I was like, that, I'm not going back early. I'm going to get this sorted. So but even four weeks was the bare minimum time. But I say like, it was like more like six weeks because two weeks after that, I like went hard. I like three times in a day. As soon as I could do it again. And like my, a little bit swollen up the next day. I was like, it's obviously to be back to full, full steam ahead. So like, I had to like, yeah, it was crazy. So anyway, my goal to be proficient at standing up on cue has been delayed. Yeah. That's that's that's okay. That's okay. I really love the idea though of them putting like a little cast on your and then like your friends signing. You're like, get better soon. That would have been hilarious. Would that have been actually hilarious? Yeah. Um, yeah, what the, that's great. That's a great image. Oh my God. Now I want to do like a doctor where like I have like a little cast on your. I'm like, okay, time to saw it off. But that would be hilarious though. You should. We should. We should make that sketch. Yeah. I have a friend with like a doctor's office set. We could totally do that. Yes. Yeah. That's sick. I have friends in everything. Great. Great. Yeah. Well, mainstream makes you a bit nervous, but it's not a no. It's just a, not ready yet. Yes. Not at this moment. But your time will come. Yeah. Your time to shine is is on its way. It's incoming. You're blossoming. I can feel it. Blooming flower. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

So what do you do? Like, I, I ask everyone this, like, what do you do to manage your mental health? So do you have like, like I know I have ups and downs because social media is up and down. Yeah. Things don't work out the way you think they're going to work out. And that's just kind of the nature of the beast. So what do you, I would say, well, okay, weirdly enough, and this is such an odd thing, I feel like to most people outside of the industry, but my mental health has never been better. Like once I joined, I completely, I mean, I was so depressed for like so much of my life before, like college. I could not handle the pressure along with like my disability stuff and just like my physical health was terrible. So then like my mental health was shit. And I was just to a point where it's like, okay, well, I get this degree and I kill myself, or I like drop out and I like try to save my life and figure my out. So I dropped out. I started work and it was just an immediate switch of like, oh, I can like take care of myself now and like not like apologize to a professor every day being like, sorry I was late on this assignment, I was like contemplating my death. Right. Well, I just want to rewind a little bit because I know what your disability stuff is and and you've just got this amazing skill. I don't know if you call it a skill, but to sleep like indefinitely. Right. Incredible skill. I'm like Sleeping Beauty brunette. Right. That's a. So it's like a branch of narcolepsy. What you would call it? Or is it narcolepsy? No, it's called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically, they still don't know the cause of it. I'm doing sleep studies so to help figure the out what's happening, but they think it has to do with like the Gaba receptor thingy in my brain. But basically, I can sleep forever and never actually feel rested. Can you imagine that? Like awful. I'm always tired. So it doesn't rejuvenate you at all, but you'll just lose a day. You'll wake up 24 hours later. Oh, I could, I could. I told you the most I've slept was three days. Three days full. Maybe I woke up to, I don't remember, but I was out. Yeah, it's been pretty awful trying to figure that out. Um, um, just cuz it's very hard to feel like a person when you can't do the basic human things, which I know a lot of people with disabilities know that feeling where it's like, I can't even like breathe right? Like why? I can't. How am I real? Um, so it's really hard like, like easy to get into like a, into like a rot of like, why me? Oh, yeah. And like, and just rotting, leaning into it almost. I think when I first got my diagnosis, I noticed it get worse because I was like, well, now I have an explanation for it. I'm not like a lazy that everyone says I am. I just, and I just rot it away for like a week, just sleeping. Was it positive though? Like knowing that it wasn't you? Just, yes. It felt really good. It felt really good knowing that there actually is a reason behind it and I'm not just like lazy. Cuz so many people shamed me for so long. They're like, all you want to do is sleep. They're like, well, just get up. And I'm like, yeah, right. Thanks. Thanks, Mom. Yeah. Do you want to tell someone in a wheelchair to walk? That sounds awesome to do to someone. It's people are so clueless to this day, and it's exhausting trying to explain to them. And it's, it's, it's so tiring. I'm so tired of being tired. Is really the thing. That's the worst thing is that it doesn't rejuvenate you. Because the thing is, if I was able to get a rejuvenated, I'm, I've got almost the opposite problem. I, I'll sleep like four, five hours, you know, and then do like a long sleep every now and again to like, you know, play catch up. But if I could get like a 20, if you could get like a 20-hour sleep where it was actually rejuvenating, I would literally be like a walk. I'd be like, I feel incredible. Yeah. You never get rejuvenated. I haven't felt that in years. I think the last time I actually felt like, like fully awake was maybe like in middle school, high school, little, little bit in high school, maybe. But yeah, I haven't felt like really there. I mean, I'm just like running on Yerba Mate every day at this point. The amount of money I've given Yerba Mate, just sponsor me at this point. I've never heard of Yerba Mate. Why don't you give them a plug? What are they? Oh my God, it's incredible. It doesn't give you coffee smell or coffee breath, which I still love coffee, but you know, before a scene, I'm a. So I don't want it to smell like coffee. But it's, it's basically just like this super caffeinated like tea. And and they make these little flavored drinks. I like the Blue Razz and the mint. The mint is good. Not a big fan of like the raspberry one. But yeah, it's, it's a lot healthier, I feel like, than most energy drinks, or at least I've convinced myself that to make myself feel better about it for some reason. I'm kind of a hater of Red Bull. I hate Red Bull. Mostly cuz I drank too many vodka Red. No, um, love what are they called? Where they chuck the shit. Oh my God, I did that and I vomited aggressively. It was like a spew lightsaber. Oh, my terrible. So funny. And now whenever I drink or smell Red Bull, I think of that coming out of my mouth. No, that totally makes sense. I actually had a performer who I worked recently, like I like brushed my teeth and everything, but I was like, I'm going to be having to drink a Red Bull throughout the day. Like, are you okay if we kiss? If like, I taste a little bit, right? Like Red Bull. And she's like, actually, I really can't. I've done many, many, many, many, many Jägerbombs and and Red Bull vodka. And they just, it's ruined me now. And I was like, that's so fair. Tastes like medicine. Why would you do a Jägerbomb at that point too in your life? Just grow up. Yeah. Grow up. Grow up. Have an espresso martini. Exactly. If you're over 30, you need to have a special me. The only one and only time I had a Jägerbomb, I was like 16. Yeah. When I was doing this, it was like 21. There was a place in in Canberra, my hometown, that would do an hour of power. And when I was young, before they changed it a couple of years later, when I turned 18, it was a dollar drinks for the hour between 10 and 11. So you just get fight yourself to the bar and you just slam your forearms down on the bar and not move. Put a $2 down in the middle of the middle of your forearms and just get the guy to keep sending your drinks. And that is why they don't do that anymore. Cuz the amount of place. Oh, I'm sure that's just a lawsuit begging to exist. I'm sure it happened. I'm sure it happened. I'm sure that's crazy. Classic. Yeah, no, I, I was, I was a party girl back in my day. And then I turned 21 and I was like, well, it's legal now. So boring. Yeah. I kind of live like a grandma now. Yeah. I have a very calm life. Well, I think it doing affords us us to have a calm life cuz you're not trying to compensate. Like I was always drinking heavily cuz I was compensating for a boring 9 to5. Yeah. And and being unhappy in my 9 to5. I was, I was straight out of 18. Like when I was out of school, I was a, um, government worker for like three years. Worst government worker ever. Sounds like a nightmare. Total nightmare. But yeah, I feel like cuz we have such wild day jobs, it's actually quite therapeutic to have time off and do nothing. Yeah. Be meditative. Do things you enjoy that aren't yourself up. Like, I, I really just despise rotting in bed after a hangover, after a big night of drinking, unless it's like the best night ever. Unless I'm like looking back at the night being like, that was the shit. I have had a few of those. Yeah. But not many. You know, most the time I go home like underwhelmed. Why did I stay up this late? And then you like binge eat the next day. And I don't mind the binge eating that like post-hangover ex Benny. Oh, yeah. Crazy. You're actually right. Like when you are really hanging for something delicious, love a good little binge era. I do. I've been finally gaining a little bit of weight lately. When I first joined the industry, I was like 95 pounds. What? Well, you are very skinny. Like you're tall, but you're skinny. I'm, yeah, I'm pretty thin, but I, I feel like I finally got like a little bit of healthy meat on me. Yeah. Jiggled earlier. We were doing a little bit of dancing. Yeah. There's a little something. Yeah. Looks good. It's good. Thank you. You're welcome. Now it means I have to like work out more, which I'm, there's no way I'm going to a gym. There's no way ever in in my life I will step foot in a gym. That you do it at home stuff? Yes. So maybe getting like a set of kettle bells at home, couple things, you know, like I do my little like floor work that I'm used to from like ballet days, but I would like to have a little equipment. Um, but yeah, there's just, I, I can't do gyms. I'm horrified of staff infection. There's men. The worst thing what I'll say is hilarious is that like, you were saying before, you're a bit of a germaphobe when it comes to the gym, like worried about the staff infections, but during the scene, like spitting each other's mouths. Yeah, it's like, I'm a germaphobe. Like if I ask for it, I love it. But like, if I'm like, if I'm like, sitting on like a bus seat or something, like on the train, you're like freaking out. You're thinking about the bacteria entering your body. Oh my God. Yeah. Airplanes. Like I'm going to bleach myself and actually like self-emulate when I get home. Just to like, airplanes are gross. Like during a 14-hour flight, I can just tell the air is thick with just people's grossness. Uh-uh. Drying. Oh my God. And I have to fly all the time for work, so I'm just like, I feel like I'm constantly just put through the ringer. Yeah. Do you go to like Budapest and all those kind of fun capitals? I've been asked to do like a Europe trip and I'm probably going to do that in 2025. I just, I'm honestly just so lazy about it. And I also want to wait until I'm at a point where like I can be trusted to wake up on my own and to be alive. Cuz right now, I solely depend on like my roommates and my boy toys to to be like, hey, yeah, I'll call up one of my like little rotation and just be like, okay, I have to be up at 8 tomorrow. Can you sleep over tonight? You have, you have a stable. You have a stable. I have a rotation. Yeah, my human alarm clocks. How many dudes would you have in a, in, in the? I call it a stable. The stable. But you can call my rotation, my ho-roto. Yeah. So how many dudes would you have in the rotation? The most I've had at a time was eight. That was tiring. Yeah. That's a lot. Cuz then I'm like, cuz if you're seeing them once a week, right? Yeah. You would have to double up on a day. Yeah. That's exactly how exhausting it was. Cuz then like, I would get like three texts a day, like, come over. And I'm like, now I have to pick. And I'm terrible at picking. I don't like to have favorites. So I would just do all three and then be like, I'm done for. Yeah. Um, so yeah, now it's like three or four like consistent ones. Yeah. And it, it's nice. I just, I need that help. I need someone. I need to be like, okay, I need to go to bed at this time. I need you to wake me up at this time, either with or like, go to the fridge. Your bon is waiting right there for you. You crack that can and just put it under my nose and I'll zing up, be ready to go. Yeah. So do you, do you have a thing like a kink for getting woken up? I do. Amazing. You know, I do. It totally developed because of my sleep disorder. Like I'm a very person, but I'm a very sleepy person. So I'm like, I want to have, but like, I just can't necessarily always be conscious for it. So just like me while I'm asleep, videotape it. Maybe I'll wake up, maybe I won't. And then I'll wake up and I'm like, ooh, is this blackmail? Um, love it. It's awesome. It's incredible. It's the best way to wake me up cuz it gets your heart rate going, you know? It's like, it's like you're going on a little jog like right when you wake up. Like it's going to get you up, definitely. So it totally works. And then that totally got into my CNC thing later. And I was like, oh, maybe I want someone to. This episode brought to you by Blackwave Supplements. Go to their website www.blackwavesupplements.com and get the best supplements known to man. I actually, you know, funny you say that because I had someone who I don't even, I don't want to say who it was. I know I remember who it was now, but but she was saying that that she went through like a phase where she with her ex-partner where where where she would literally be like, pour some stuff in like a drink. And I would provide it. Yeah. And be like, I want you to basically me and then like take me to the room and take advantage of me. I've done that many times. I've gone to parties and I'm and I have like specific boy toys for that. Some of them are like, I'm afraid of that. And I'm like, that's fine. That's okay. But I have like some specific boy toys where I'm like, guess what I have? And I'm just like, you can slip that in at any point. I'll just like leave my drink down when I go grab my food or my purse or something. And you're just going to take care of that. Then we're going to go home and you're going to set up a little camera and I'm going to be like, what's happening? Um, I don't do it often anymore, but I definitely also had like my consensual era. And it's really fun as long as like, there are ways to be as safe as you can about it. I'm not going to be like, get, but yeah, but there are ways that you can be safe about it. Like you don't mix alcohol with whatever you take. Don't do that. Make sure you're really hydrated. Make sure your partner is like, yeah, of course. Like all the basics. All the basics. All the basics, you know. Uh, yeah, I don't do it that much anymore because I just don't necessarily have a lot of partners who are into it, which is fine. Which is annoying. Which is fine. It's fine. I don't hate them for it. Um, but yeah, it was, it was a fun era. And it has to be kind of one I'm like, I have absolutely nothing to do the next day. Like I'm going to be. When you say, what is that drug? So hypothetically, if hypothetically, if someone, if if person A was to someone recreationally, inc, consensually, lovingly, yeah, cuz I know that like people who have been actually, the next day they're like, I couldn't move. It wasn't. Yeah, I have been unconsensually a couple of times too. So now I'm able to tell the difference of cuz I've been three times in like, real life, in real life without me planning it or asking for it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So like I can actually tell the difference. There's cocktails and then there's, and then there's. And I have the cocktail was the worst. Cocktail was the absolute worst. I think they put like on it too. I just remember like I threw up on myself. I couldn't see. Like I could only see silhouettes and shadows, but I couldn't like make out the person's face. And that's horrifying. Yeah. I don't remember. Yeah, cuz cuz I think that's what you people would use for. That's a traditional. That that is the drug. That's not what you would use recreationally. No. Is the one that I would have like done like recreationally. And it's like, you are still conscious. You're still. That's the gay J. That's the gay J. Yeah. Whenever I, um, whenever I talk to my gay friends in Sydney, they.

Literally all Twi love it. They love it. Like, like G is their thing. Yeah, yeah, everybody loves their G. Yeah.

No, that one, it's like you're still like conscious and like capable of moving and stuff. It's the most that you'll feel with it is like you're really drunk. Like, and then if you do too much, you'll fall asleep. Um, which has totally happened to me a couple times. I'm like, "Oh, uh, I've totally done that at parties too."

There are some parties where like it was like in a controlled space where I was like, friends with everyone there. I knew everyone there and I was like, "I'm going to do this tonight." Uh, and then I just like conked out and they like put me in my little bunny outfit in bed and we're like, "Good night." And then I woke up an hour later and I was like, "Let's go. You ready to roll again?" Yeah, I was ready to rage. Yeah. Uh, yeah, so that was an era for me. That was an era.

I haven't really done it lately, mostly because I don't live in the same house where I used to like do it with those people. There was always a supply. Okay, y'all got. And they were partyers. They loved to party. So I was like, "Well, might as well if I'm here." Yeah. Well, absolutely. And it's good to have friends like that when you're in your 20s because, um, it's nice not to have to pay for your. Yes, that's so true. Right? That's so true.

Now, speaking of snorting things, can you tell me what's, what's it like to snort? Every time is a little bit different. It also depends on what you snorted off of, I've noticed. Should we start this by like telling everyone like what it is? Like, like you've got this thing where you snort? Dudes. I, I have this thing where I like to do the worst things I can think of with. I don't want a normal pop shot. If it's not a, I'm going to get a little weird with it.

So the first time I had him, plate and I cut a straw really short and I made little lines. I snorted it. I blew it back out. Cleaned my gums, um, cuz I was really nervous of getting a sinus infection. So I blew it back out and it was like, um. And that was an era.

And then the second time I did it, they got really excited on set hearing about it. So they were like, "Let's do it." So they actually gave me a like, they went full 70s. Gave me a mirror, a razor, and then a straw. So I had the mirror. I had the razor blade. I made my lines. Did my straw. Yep. Whole thing.

The third time was again on set. It was for my clown scene. First time being a clown. I was not myself that day. I turned into whoever the that clown person was. That was not me. I responsibility for traumatizing people. Yeah. I, I, they put me in that clown makeup and I saw myself and I was like, "Okay, well, here's the day." It was like a whole new persona that happened. Something took over me. Terrifying. Um.

So at that time, I didn't have any of my equipment. So they, and equipment, I mean, I don't actually do. Because it just makes me wish I had math homework or like I want to sweep. The only times I tried it, the it just makes me feel focused. The only times I've tried it, I'm like, "I wish I had my sedu book with me." Yeah. I just, I just don't do it. Usually. Usually I've only ever had it like, I never buy it myself. Whenever like a mate's like, "Hey, I have some." It's offered and it's usually went back in my party days. I would be high on at the same time and it would totally kill my m. So I learned very quickly. Just anyone at home, hypothetically, if you're high on, do not have. Yeah, do not do. Because will allegedly kill all the other drugs and just make you focused. Damn. Especially if you got ADHD like me. I just feel like l, I feel locked in. I could do my taxes while I'm. Exactly. Yeah. So I'm just like, "Why would I want to do this when I'm like out with my friends?" Exactly.

Um, I wonder what normal people feel when they're on. When the wrong. I'm, I watched Wolf of Wall Street and I was like, "That is not what I get. That is not how I feel." Right? Yeah. So, oh, but the, yeah, the third time I, they just, they, I think they in me and and then I pulled it out with my hand and then snorted it. I think I did it before too in another scene. I can't remember. Oh my God.

The most recent time was the king scene with Tommy Pistol. I was like, "Let's get weird." Um, so and this one I'm tied down. So I couldn't like, you know, do the whole thing. So instead he pulls out of me, comes up to my nose, puts his in my nose and he's like, "Now." And I just start. And oh my God, I did not expect. Cuz I think he was a that day. Like it was just going and I was hard cuz I didn't know what to expect. And I just, I think that still in my brain. My God. He, he literally injected into your nose. Literally couldn't even like brea. I couldn't snort it back out cuz I always blow it out after and I'm like, "Okay, not going to get a sinus infection." I got a sinus infection. Did you? Oh, no, I didn't. I, I didn't. But I, I swear to God, it was insane. It did not, not come back out and I was like, "I'm." Um, but did it, did it not go through to the back of your throat? Like, no. That's the thing. I think maybe a little bit, but no, it did not go there. It went somewhere else. You've got some like Tad PS growing. They're like literally swimming around and they're like, "It's cold and dead up here. What's there's nothing happening?" Yeah. I don't know. It was, it was, um, whose idea was that? To to snort? Obviously mine. Of course. It's always idea. Same with like the eyes thing. I'm like, "Force my eyeballs open." And my eyeballs. That's so funny. I know. I totally would have done it today, but I have to drive home. So and it's hard to, hard to drive when you. I'm totally. I'm totally okay with a great option. Yeah. Feel good. It feel good. Yeah. They do. Yeah.

So another thing that, um, I thought interesting. Did you try and fit Johnny Sins' head in your? My first time meeting him. Okay. And I've never really like watched. I like, I had seen clips and stuff like scrolling through Twitter before I even did. But I never watched regularly. I always read my smut. So like I didn't. Every time I came across it was actually the most intense things someone could upload. So like I remember seeing some girl eat cereal out of the other girls. I remember like, and I just remember. Were you on? I it so it was retweeted onto my Twitter page. I just must have followed some sick back then and I was like, "I'm not talking to you when I see you in class." Um, not really. I totally would still talk to them cuz I was like, "You're sick." Like you. But someone had posted this video of like, I think maybe the guy had like a latex cap on and he like literally. I swear this is how I remember it, but sometimes my brain lies. But I swear he put his head in her like, whole head. Like she must have like just like had a lot. I've seen that video. It was like a, it's like a 4C clip. Yeah. Okay. The dude just like red. Has a red as bald head. Okay. I didn't make this up. This is real. Seen it. Like there was, there was a few videos in high school where for me where it was just like gifts. Almost. It was like 3 to 5 second clips of like, like my just the weirdest. Imagine when I was doing PT, there was a guy called Dom Legend. He would just come up to you and just like, while you're training someone and just put his phone in front of you. Like the other, like the person training couldn't see they were doing push-ups or something. And he like make you check this out. And I literally just be like, a gift of a dude punching his like fist punching his. Oh my God. And you'd be like, "Jesus." And and then he'd just walk off. He'd be like, "Got, gotcha." Love sexual harassment in the workplace. But actually, that's just dudes though. That's just dudes. Like that was actually hilarious. Like I'd be like, literally he'd probably done that like 30, 40 times. It was always something ridiculous. Got to be like a joke, you know? That's the things you can attribute to manhood are so interesting to me cuz I'm like, "That is the gayest I've ever heard." Well, that was a dude just dud a dude fist punching. I'm like, "Bros are gay." Are gay men? Bros do some gay [ __ ]? Yeah, absolutely. Honestly, I feel like straight men tend to be gayer than actual gay men. And I don't think I'm alone in this experience. Like I have seen straight men just do the gayest. To play rugby. I'll gay derogatory and gay gay love. And I'm saying this as a very gay woman. I'm like, "I am gay derogatory towards these straight men. I am derogatory calling you gay for being the straightest men that do the gayest I've ever seen in my life." It's crazy. What if you play a contact sport like, like, like ice hockey or rugby or football and you get like all those dudes after a big win all on the drinks, you're just slamming on each other, you. Well, I mean, maybe not slamming on each other, but like, there's some, there's a lot of dude love going on in that in that bar. You're like, "Oh, hey bro." And you like finger each other's. Just like, "What?" Once again, not quite, but pretty much. Figuratively. Absolutely.

So let's get back to Johnny Sins' lubing his head up and sliding inside your. Right? So that's my first. I also snorted. As that was what I was thinking. Yeah. First time meeting him. I, I just realized like, we match each other's freak. And it's scary. Like we, I swear it's like we, he opened the front door and I'm there and we just like blue-eyed stared at each other and we're like, "This is going to be a problem." Uh, and we just immediately were like, "So, oh, like you totally into each other?" Just feral. I just like, cuz I, I had looked him up. I didn't know who Johnny Sins. What I did. I did not watch. The way that I had recognized Johnny Sins was this meme. Oh, him holding his hands like. Yes. That's the only time I'd seen this man. I no idea what I was going in for. Just him like with his, yeah, hands together like, yeah. So he reached out to me and I was going to Vegas anyways for AVN that year and he reached out to me and I was like, "Yeah, I'll work with him. He has like a of followers. Like he's not ugly. Like I'm fine." Yeah. So I showed up and then we were both like, just like. And I was like, "Oh my God, wait. This is going to be consistent problem that we're going to do." So yeah, it's our first time. He was like, "Out." And like we were just going at it with each other. It was so slobbery within like the first five minutes. I'm like, "Covered in." And he's like, "He has my thighs in his hands." And like that just like flashed in my eyes and I was like, "I want you to put your whole head in my." That would me up if a girl literally looked at looked down at me while I'm eating a. The words were, "Well, even if I was." And and the words were, "This feels so good." They were like, "You know what? I want you to put your whole head in my." I'd be like, "Waa. I don't. I wouldn't know if I'd be able to keep it together." He's the only person I feel like someone could ask him that and he's like, "Let's try." I feel like he's a consummate professional. Absolutely. Yeah. So he, uh, uh, hilarious. He was just like, looked up at you and when you know what lubed up my did. But it's just this hilarious clip of him like literally. He's not even really moving his head that much. He's mostly just lifting my thighs up and down. My. He's just like, "That's so funny." And it's just this like 15c moment of him just like lubing up his beautiful bald head. Um, so yeah, that was a friendship that has just continued to stay. I think we've done like five scenes together now. And he's an athlete. Like I never like I always knew he'd like like to. But I, it wasn't until I'd spoken to and worked with multiple girls that he's worked with that are like, "Yeah, like two hours straight." Like literally didn't take a break. 2 hours. 1 hour. One and a half hours. Like had to. I had to tap out because it was like blowing my mind, you know? Like, like, like every girl I talk to was like, "Yeah, Marathon Man." And Marathon Man. I've done two rounds with him. Once in a day. And that was like, I don't even think it was probably safe for me to drive home at that point because I was just like, just out of your mind. Like no thoughts. Done for it. It was awesome though. I, I do. I love Johnny. He is. And I, I'll say that to literally everyone. I will always praise that man. And I hate men. Not really. But you guys scare the of me. But if I'm ever going to be like, "Oh, this is the best person to work with. Like, you'll be safe. You'll, uh, you'll get what you need." It's him. I highly recommend. Yeah. I've never heard a bad word about the. Literally never. Literally. Yeah. Great. And people are savage in this industry about dudes. And like for someone to be in Industry that long and not have a single bad word against it. Yeah. Like you have to be topnotch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it couldn't fit the head in there. That's a shame. But that is like kudos to you Johnny for just being like, you know what? We try it. We're going to try it. Yeah. I was so. I was really proud of him that day. I've done a couple. I've given him a couple firsts. Which makes me feel like it totally boosted my ego. I got him into side of. He'd never done that before. So the second time we worked together, I was like, "You're going to side of me today." And he was like, "I've actually never done that." And he's like, "This little giggle." And I'm like, "We're going to do it." So like, literally anytime I see that man, I'm like, "Do you have to go to the bathroom?" And he's like, "Yeah." I right for you. Yeah. Cuz when he would stay in a light, he was like 10 minutes away from me. So I was just like, "You hold that. You wait that 10 minutes and I'm there." Yeah. It's a great feeling. Ever inside of someone? No. I'll be honest. I, I have PE on someone, but never in them. Would you be interested? It's an incredible feeling. Well, if someone, I feel like it's not something that I would pursue myself. But if someone was like, "If you today were like, hey, I've, I've got this thing where I love people inside of me." I would totally. Okay, so we're going to do that at some point. I love it. I, I from both parties. It feels amazing. Can I ask? Is so I find it difficult to while I'm hard. So I'm assuming. Okay. So I'm, I was say I'm assuming you have to be in like a. Yeah, just hard enough to get it in, but soft enough to be able to. Yeah. But it feels amazing on both ends. Cuz for me, it's like I'm just getting filled up and there's all this pressure and tightness in me. And then the release is like a giant at that point. And then for you, it's like you're literally just having not only the pressure of my walls, but then the pressure of the like, just like so tight on your dick. To be hon. I'll be honest, that sounds awesome. It's amazing. I highly recommend. Okay. All right. Yeah. Next time. Next time. Let's do some like vag pie PL. Well, our food is literally 2 minutes from being here. So I don't want to get too far into any more tangents. But we are going to come back after we eat. We got some sick Brazilian food coming. We. I put them on. Yeah, she did. Thank you so much. All right, let's, let's come back to this. See you soon, guys.

All right, we're back. We just ate Brazilian. It was delicious. It's so good. You really did put me on. You really did put me on. That was delicious. It just made me like sleepy. Yeah. It's a bit like that. I just had Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah. We smashed it. That's how like we're just saying. That's how you know it's good. Then when you just say this silence. Oh, yeah. We were just like, yeah, the whole time was awesome. I think you tried to ask me like one question. I was like, "Mhm." Yeah. Exactly. No answer. Can't talk. Food. No. Yeah. Yeah.

So what's the difference between onsets for you and bedroom? Do you have things that are off limits like in your work life that you do in your personal life? Or does it look much the same? Pretty much the same. But like offset sometimes there's more chemistry. Sometimes onset there's a lot of chemistry and it's unexpected and that's awesome.

This episode brought to you by my only fans. It's an amateurs paradise. Hundreds of girls and me. Get 50% off your first month at www.onlyfans.com/theapolloshowx. See you there.

I have had like one time where I was, I was getting. And I did. So I guess. Yeah, it can feel good. But for me, I guess the pain is more. I've also like never like stretch out or anything before. So I guess that's it. I'm more like spin, baby. Yeah, that'll do it. That'll do it. Yeah. That makes it a little bit more uncomfortable for me. The reason I enjoy it is because it's like painful where I'm like, "Oh, use me. Ouch." Yeah. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right. That's a good way. I know it is. Yeah. Right. Cool. Well, that does make sense. As it'll be like a lot more confronting for sure. But if you wanted to make it less confronting, I mean, training. Good. Good idea. She does just open up. I don't even know if you noticed, but like sometimes when I'm just having. She's like, "Feed me." And I can't control her. She has a mind of her own. I always have to be onet and like, we'll like be like, "Okay, it's." And I have to like turn to the partner and I'm like, "Look, she's going to lie to you and say that she wants it. She's a lying. Don't listen to her. Don't put it in my. Don't do it. Don't even look at my." She's cute. Look at her. Not. She's cute. That's why I was looking. During during back shots today. Yeah. Yeah. She's cute. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I heard you bit of a writer. You want to write a novel? Is that right? Oh, how did you hear that? Oh, I told you that. Wait, did? No. How did you know I wanted to be? Did I to be? Research. What did you really? Yeah. Wow. I do. I've been working on, uh, a little. I've been cooking. I've been cooking of some. Wait on me. Kind of based on something that I experienced. But then it goes into the fantasy of what I wish I did and what I wish happened. So it really is just a way that I work through some trauma that I have. And honestly, just how I wish I had the capacity to kill a man. All right. Okay. Well, I think I have the capacity to kill a man. But I don't think I can get away with it. So is this kind of like a, um, is it kind of like a Stephen King style? A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit of OTA m. A little bit of, uh, Chelsea G. Summer. I really love her. Really. I mean, the best way I can describe it is like a trauma dump and then girl revenge. Yeah. Girl revenge. I am titling it potassium because I found like very interesting ways of dying. Or at least the ways that I think are really cool to die. For me, I would prefer hypothermia because you just like fall asleep and have a Little Dream. Um, but I thought it was really interesting that, uh, if you can have a potassium overdose and it looks just like a heart attack. And a y. So I was like, "That is an incredible way to assassinate someone." Yeah. Back when I was doing personal training, I did a seminar once where they, they were talking about a way to lower your blood pressure, um, in a healthy way is to have like a small, very small amount of potassium. Like, um, and supplement with potassium brings your blood pressure down. But if you overdose on it, they actually stopped. They took it out of the syllabus because if you overdose on it, you can stop your heart. And you know, gym bros love to overdo it sometimes. Yeah. Games. Gimos can be. And they have like a heart attack. Yeah. For real. Yeah. For real. Um, yeah. So that is the title. And it's, yeah. Aw. Have you started writing it? Like, it's I have. I started writing it last year. I think it's for me. I'm a very manic writer. Like I feel like I find myself only writing when I'm like, "I am going to blow up if I don't do this right now." So it's she us it as almost like journaling. Yes. Almost. And and I feel like that's when like the right words come to me is when I'm like, "So severely just like, I'm [ __ ]." Um, so it is one of those projects that's going to take me a long time because it's something that I feel like I feel so much passion and anger and just like violence towards. So it's like one of those things where I have to like genuinely be in the head space to even like portray it the way that I want it to be read. So yeah, I don't even know if that's ever going to be a thing. If it's ever going to be finished. If it's going to be 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. If I'm going to like die before I finish it and they just like Ste Lars in my [ __ ] throw it out there. And that's usually how art goes. You usually get famous for it when you die. When you die. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, it sounds like to me, it sounds like it's a way to work through. Like it's almost like a therapy to you rather than a than a structured novel writing expence. Yeah. No, it's not something where like I sit down for 3 hours a day and work on my writing. Like no. It's something think that like I'll remember something or I'll get triggered or something and then I'm like, "Okay, time to go." Um, but yeah, I started even writing it in the first place cuz like my best writing always has been when I'm like completely scrambled and like somehow I'm able to lay everything out perfectly writing. Whereas like even talking about it, I can't do it. But I just remember like calling my therapist one day and I'm like, "I'm going to kill someone." And he's like, "No, you're not. Write. Write something." And I was like, "Okay, fine. Like, fine. I guess." Was like, "Are you sure? You sure about that?" But yeah. But I also think it would be really cool to write for comedians. Like for a skit show at some point. I would really like to work with you. Tim Robinson. Please let me in. Tim Robinson. Make it happen. Just a little past. Please. Well, you are very funny. You are very funny. I'll give you. I'll give you that. I think I think, um, writing sketch comedy is something you could do. Yeah. Tim Robinson, if you don't give me a job, I'll kill myself on this podcast right now. You hear him? I think he heard you. He's going to give you a job. Better else. You're about to have a really bad evening. But yeah, that's, um, yeah. Sounds sounds very much like a cool little outlet as well. Like I don't know. I've always been interested in like comedians and like I think it's very brave to actually do. Like not just sketch comedy, but to do actual comedy. Stand up. Stand up would be horrifying. I cannot imagine. Like I can show my whole to the world and like it. I was talking about this actually on Twitter with a friend. Like they were like, "You can like do." But you're afraid to do standup. And I'm like, "Okay, I'm showing my to the whole world where they're watching it from screens and I'm not looking at their faces, their reactions to my." But I'm on stage in front of like 10 people. If it was 100 people, it'd be easier almost. But 10 people and and they're like, it's silence. Like I'll, I'll kill myself. I'll kill myself right there. I think I think the difference with like stand up and is that like the way I I would think of it in my head is is stand up's only bad when you're bombing. So like if I was to go up and someone was to say, "Here's like 10 minutes of material." You know it's going to be good. You know where the where the hooks are and where the punch lines are and it's going to be great. I would have no problem. I'd be way more confident. But it's when you like just think about you go up with that same material then nothing hits. There's no laughs. There's. You can hear people like snickering in the back, laughing at you, not with you. And the only thing I can think of when it comes to like he like you, I'm like a dude and not being able to get it up. Everyone's kind of just staring at you being like, "So, got some time here." Well, that's like, it's almost like, like if you're on stage as a comedian and you bomb, that sh. It's like almost. I would say it's the equivalent of like yourself on set. And it's not even anal. That's also my biggest fear. I have a major fear of like literally imagine how embarrassing. Different like things happen. But imagine having only. And you still manage to yourself on a person. That is my. I'm so. I clench my all the time when I'm now. You know escapes. And I'm just like, "What is she planning?" So then I like, I, I hold it in. I'll hunch my back and like cat dog my. I it's weird. Well, you do. You do a lot of like, yeah. So it almost feels like it's filling up both. Totally. Like if you're, if you're dealing with like. Have you, have you before? No, but I, it's pretty equivalent. Close equivalent. Right. Got you. Gotta. So like if you've got like a 10-in, 10-in dick. If you got a 13-in inside you, that's going to feel like it's. It's filling up every cavity, baby. It's insane. Okay. I will share a really embarrassing moment because I feel so vulnerable with you right now. Um, I totally have. Really no one said. Well, just like having normal person. I was not eating well that week. I was just a total mess. I had been like partying like all of my Loosey Goosey. Um, and I, I didn't. I think my tummy was a little upset. And I just like totally, totally myself. And I don't even think that the guy noticed. He's also tripping at one point. He's like, and picks me up. And his. And then is like carrying me to another room while we're. I'm like, "My does not feel like her usual self." And I like see in the mirror while he's back. And I'm like, "And I just like, oh my God." It was so bad. So he like, I, I don't know how I'm going to. I was like, "I have to." So then I like went to the bathroom, like clean my. And then was like, came back out. And I. Hold on. Hold on. I looked at the bed. There was nothing on the bed. There was. So it was when he picked you up to walk you in out to the other room that he was just like walking you out and you were just dropping bombs along the way. I was. It didn't even go any. It was only on me. Only on my. Oh. So you were like, you must have been turtlenecking. You must have just had like, like one just poking its head out. That is so funny. So bad. And I don't think he noticed. Like I think he was already in his own little mushroom world. Oh, dude. Okay. Like he was going to either way. And I was going to make sure of that. So he could forgive me for myself. But I don't think. I don't think he noticed. He never said anything. He is a really nice person. So maybe he's just like being kind. But like, I can't look that man in the eyes whenever I see him. He probably just thought you. He's like me. Whatever. Maybe I didn't smell it. Like I don't know. I don't know. But if he ever sees this video and he's like, "Yeah, she." Please just tell me. Text me and tell me. Please tell me if you know that that happened. Because at this point, it's the fact that I don't know that he knew or not that like that's tearing me apart. Classy. You should ask him. Just just for your own peace of mind. Totally. Too. When I was getting up from that, I was like, "Just them." Yeah. Because I think my, like, I think she's so. She's talking about me again. So scared. I'm so scared. Um, yeah. Biggest fear. Fair enough. So yeah, imagine bombing on a comedy stage while you're get and yourself all at the same time. Like that's how I imagine it would go. Yeah. It's horrifying. I totally do practice my sets in the shower. Like all the time. Like comedy sets. That's so funny. What are you talking about? You know, like when you're like in the shower and you like fake fight someone or like you have like a rap battle that you're doing really well in or like. I don't do any. Yeah. Totally. Like totally rap battling. Like I always like when I'm in the shower, that's my top like romanticizing time. That's when I'm like, "I'm winning every argument I've ever had. I'm backtracking all of the embarrassing things that I did and I'm making it better." Like that is what I do in the shower. So in the shower, I like. I practice. It's reflection time. Reflection time. Yeah. It's reflection time. But it's my betterment time. Is it is it self-reflection time in a good way? Or is it self-reflection time like, "I'm an idiot." Damn it. Like that? Or is it like, "Yeah, I would have probably done this differently." And why did it make me feel that way though? No, that's the therapy. No, the shower time is when you're like, "Stupid, stupid." That is how I do my showers. It's why I take really long showers. Yeah. It's awesome. Um, but yeah, when I'm feeling like really high ego, that's when I'm like, "The crowd loves me right now." And it's like the ant that's like dead in the corner. I don't know. Yeah. So that's how my comedy career is going so far. Well, you know what? If this podcast is anything to go by, I think you'd be a natural doing comedy because you just don't care about being silly. And I love that. No, I really. That's the battle is not caring about being silly. I think. Yeah. I think I think that really is it. I will say though that I, I mean, I was telling you this, like I'm terrible at filtering myself and I like, I love to make my little jokes. But I also will take it too far without like really realizing it. So so like I'll really run with something and and they're like, "We should actually like publicly stone her." Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I'm going to run my mouth a little too far at some point. Like I swear I'm not a bad person. I'm just going to say exactly what is coming out of my mouth. And I don't know. You just like to prod the bear a little bit. Would you say? Yeah. Yeah. I think. Yeah. Do you ever do like? I don't know. Like there are people online that do like rage baiting where they purposefully try and push buttons. Have you ever tried that? I hate those people. I would say if I were to like be mean on the internet, it's simply to like bully someone who deserves to be bullied. Like, like if I have a troll and I'm like, "I know I could just like end his life with three words." Then like I might. Yeah, I might. I'm trying to be better at it. Um, but oh my God, yeah, I hate the rage B girls. I'm like, if if anything, like you should be funny. Like if if you're just going to be an and not be funny about it, there's there's redeeming qualities in being a funny. Definitely. Which I feel like I can be at times. And I think that that's a good thing. But if you're just going to be a and there's like no like hook, line, and sinker. Like you're just being a dick and no one wants to see your at that point. Yeah. No. Yeah. I think, um, it's a very dangerous line to run. Like as if you're trying to. If you're doing stuff that's not solo, then like no one's going to work. No, no. It's. I, I mean that. You know, we, we've seen how that's happened. And like, I literally brought it up to my agent one time and she's like, "Oh yeah, she's banned from working with any of my models." And I was like, "Okay, yeah, right." Yeah. So it's like, you really are just like excluding yourself from the only people who could ever understand what your life is like. And now you're just like completely ostracizing yourself from any type of community you could have had. Yeah. Which is dumb. It's hard out there for people to to get traction. And they go to these like low, low. Like if you can't make money without being like a piece of, then like maybe this isn't for you. And that's how I feel about a lot of people in this industry because I feel like nobody has a backbone. A lot of the time. I feel like every once in a while something happens where everyone's like, "Yeah, let's get together and and stop working with these terrible people and and really advocate for each other." And then it's like, right back and you like see that same working with that same piece of sh. You're just like, do you think it is pressure from the agents and pressure from the companies for those for those relationships to continue? I, I would say. Cuz I often think that too. Cuz like you see like not naming anyone, but like you see videos of girls like tapping out constantly. And then that that person's still in, still a contracted person for these companies. And you're like, "How does it actually like, how does it compute?" When like I know there's a lot of like people in Industry, girls in Industry who are like, "I'll never work with that person again." But like when it comes to, um, like the business, do you get? Is there like certain pressure from the people who run your accounts or run like, you know, the the agencies or, you know, do they say, "Is it like, if you don't want to work with someone, no, no problem at all. We'll make that not happen." Or is it like, "This guy sells videos. Work with him or you don't get the job." Someone else will. Maybe depending situationally. I think it's a mix of your own standards for yourself and then as well is the pressure from companies and, um, your agent. Luckily, my agent, I'm like, "I have 140 million names on my no list. Let's deal with that." And she's like, "Okay, these people." And like, we just don't do that. But I imagine that there are a lot of agents out there who are really pushy and they're like, "You're not going to have a career if you don't do this." I haven't experienced that personally, but I don't think that it doesn't happen because I have heard of terrible agents who, you know, there's just, there's just no going back with those people. But, um, I think that's kind of adult industry in general attracts like a bunch of just who are just and can't do it without like hiring them at that point. And they're like, "Well, here's a loophole. Let me just have control over them in this aspect." But I also think like my big, big, big problem because I know that sometimes it's like, we don't necessarily have the means to keep track of these things without someone handling it in the background with like some Telegram group or like a spreadsheet. Like I've made my own little spreadsheet just for myself of being like, "Okay, here's why I won't work with this person. Here's what they did. Like, uh, you know." And like, I'll share that with like some newer people. So that like when you come into this industry, no one warns you of those names except for another performer. Like I came in and I worked with plenty of people who had allegations and just like bad, bad, bad, uh, experiences and stuff. And and I had no idea. And I, I'm sure that it hurt some models and stuff. But like, it's this thing of like, no one tells you when you go in. No one tells you anything going into things. I didn't know you're supposed to for scene. Like, I, it's all very gatekeep. Very. It's very gatee kept information to an extent. But I think there are like a lot of. I think there's a lot of women in the industry now who are like, "Really pushing to have this information out." And like making the newer people aware of it. And like just trying to train each other to like keep ourselves safe. But I will say my biggest beef is with like the content creators who like still. You hear all these terrible things about these terrible men. And then these content creators are like, "Well, he has a million followers." And then, you know, it's like, I feel like so many people are like, "Yeah, I have a backbone." But name your price. And then. Well, may I also put it out there? Do what you got to do. But a lot of these like content. Like that's not making them that much money. So when opportunities come their way, it's like, it's, it's hard. It's hard out there to have a backbone when you're not making the big dollars. Oh, I totally understand that. I have scenes that I'm not proud of doing because I was like, "Well, I have like a very expensive amount of rent to pay and all this debt and blah blah blah." So like I have that. But I, I've never been like, "Oh, I'm going to work with this known serial thing." Because you know, like there is a limit. And I think you can find other ways to get by without working with the worst of the worst. And it's really. It's the people who have of money. So much access to money in any way they like. They could just make one real and they're fine. Yeah. And they still choose that route. I think there's like still a good amount of those types of people. This very cutthroat. Like, "Well, I'm not the one bleeding." So you know. Right. Right. So that's my biggest issue with this industry that I really hope changes. But the content creation has kind of made it worse than I feel like it might have been before. I don't know. I don't know. Cuz I wasn't here in Main in mainstream porn before content. Yeah. Gotta. It could have been so much wor than I don't know. I always thought that M that content creation made mainstream less powerful over the girls. It made like it made the, the, you know, G are the producers who just happen to have a bedroom in their office. You know what I mean? If you want to work with us, you got to. You got to show me what you can do. That kind of thing. Like that doesn't happen as much anymore. Cuz the girls have money. They're actually making money doing this stuff privately as well as giving you the privilege to to have them work on your set. Whereas before it was like, "If I get booked four times this month, I can't make my rent and I can't feed myself and possibly my family." You know what I mean? So it, it had, it had so many pros and so many many cons in at the same time. Because now it's almost like there's again, men who like can't get real lives because they're pieces of. They're like, "Oh, I'm going to be a content creator." And then like they just finagle their way in. And it's just a show from there because they don't know anything about consent or just respecting a person or any of that. So then that just leads to people getting traumatized. But at the same time, you could also be like a model and mainstream and be like, you know, and then make solo content and be just fine. If not better. So it's just this weird mix. It's this weird mix. But I, I do think it's. It's nice that now performers don't have to director get a scene so that they can feed their dog or something, you know? Yeah. Totally. Yeah. So pros and cons for sure. And cons. And there's always going to be. Similar to the. Yeah, we're not decriminalized. You don't really have. Yeah, it's a, um, non-regulated industry. And where there's a non-regulated industry, there is going to be trying to take advantage of that and the people in it. And especially when it has to do with hot chicks and like, you know, if you were like, "Hey, there's this like amazing industry where there's like these women who are really good at and super hot and you can finagle your way in there in some capacity." Either as an agent, a booking agent, or a what? Or a o. Um, OnlyFans management. Fans management. Or or as a or as a content creator. But in saying that, it's I think it's much harder to get to the a level where you're able to really do some damage as a male content creator. Um, without everyone kind of knowing. Because one thing I know about this industry, it is very, very small industry worldwide. Really? Yeah. And if someone starts popping off about someone like, especially in America, cuz I follow all. Yeah, I follow everyone. And and as soon as it starts popping off, like it's almost like it's like a beacon to everyone around us. So it's like, it's not like. And and no one's like quiet about stuff. There's a lot of people who now for sure. I feel like before people were kind of quiet about it. And then I feel like in the past, at least for me, cuz I had come out about something a year ago. And I feel like I started picking up on like it kind of at the time. I mean, it snowballed into everybody was talking about everything. And it was beautiful, actually. There was like this harmony with every woman in the industry. We were like, "Yeah, actually, we all, we all hate that guy." Yeah. Okay. But there's always just that like weird quiet before the storm still where like a model experiences something bad. And then they're so afraid to come forward because no one else has. Or, you know, and so then there's just that silence for like 3 months where they're just like holding on on to that pain and resentment. And almost resenting the rest of the industry because like no one noticed or like came to them or they're still working with that person. But nobody knows. And then there's that time where they say something and then 13 other girls say something. And it just. It's every time. Every time. There's not one man who gets like just one allegation. And that's it. There's always more people coming forward. And they're like, "Oh, okay. Yeah, that was me too." Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And and girls are in a lot of like, like girls groups online where like you'll get on and be like, "Worked with this guy. He was safe. He was awesome." Or "Worked with this guy. Terrible hygiene. Yeah. Didn't respect my time. H to."

The bed, exactly. I'm like, "Oh my God, is there a group chat about me?" And like, she herself, "That's right, that's right. It probably is. Probably a group chat dudes chat out there somewhere where they're like, 'Boys, need to tell you something.'" Like, "Oh, that's exactly, exactly." Nickname. Yeah, yeah. Some, some boy, some boys chat out there is still referring to Austin. For real. I'm so.

But yeah, no, I mean, there, there's definitely a good amount of women in the industry that really try to keep each other safe, and I have so much love for them because every time I like, am thinking about a collab with a guy, I like, look their name up. And I'll go on, I'll go on Google and be like, "This name, allegations." Great. I'm like, "Oh, nothing's there. Nobody said anything in the group chat. We're going for it." Leave a nice little review. Awesome. Yeah, great. Yeah, please do. I'm going to be like, "He's so sweet. Great hair. Sweaty." Yeah, perfect. Delicious. Hydrated. Yeah.

What does the future look like for you? Oh, I don't know. I mean, I'm going to, besides star, novel writer. Yeah, no, I'm saving up as much as I can for that era because I know I'm not going to make sh— sh—. I mean, writers don't make sh— unless you're like, J.K. Rowling, and nobody wants to be her. Well, I mean, you never know. Like, if this turns into be like a 10-year, yeah, book like that takes you 10 years to write and it's a legit. It sounds like that Stephen King book where the guy gets picked up on the side of the street. He, I can't remember exactly how it goes. I haven't actually seen it. I've only heard about it, but it's like where the, the chick picks up the dude who's a book writer and, um, nurses him back to health and she's a big fan of his and ends up like locking him up and then breaking his legs and, oh, all good for her. Yeah.

There's this book I recently read, like last year, that I still love to this day, and it very much is that, like, "my girl power, the murder." And it's, uh, "A Certain Hunger" by Chelsea G. Summers. Love her. And she wrote just like the most tasteful way of just like a female serial killer. I would love like a, like a tribute to Aileen Wuornos or or something. If you know who that was. She was a worker who murdered a lot of clients back in her day. She was sentenced to death. Did she do it? Because they did something to her? Or was she? So she wasn't like malicious for no reason? No, it was like she was like, "I know you're a piece of sh—. We're going to take you out. Take you out back and old y— your sh—."

So what'd she do? How'd she do it? Oh, I don't know that much. I don't know that much. I was interested about real serial killer stories and how they, how they did it. Want to do some more research on her because I'm just like, "God, she must have been like tortured at that point to get to that point." But the Chelsea G. Summers is this woman who is like, kind of a food writer, like a food critic writer, and she accidentally kills a boy toy and then his liver is visible and she's like, "I can make a really good pâté with that." So then the whole book is this woman just like killing her lovers in very eloquent ways and then like cooking them deliciously. Cooking different parts. She gives this one guy anaphylactic shock and then like cooks his tongue and it's all swollen and it's like thick and chewy like a beef tongue. And she like gives this one guy carbon monoxide poisoning and eats his. It's just incredible.

Is this fiction? Yeah. Yes. Yes. I'm just curious because like, I mean, there's, there's some crazy serial killer stories out there. There are. I mean, I'm sure there's plenty of hot, cannibalistic ladies out there. And if they want a piece of meat, by all means, that is one way to go. And I'll do it. That's why you're trying to get that meat on your. That's why I'm trying to fan up. I'm like, "Chelsea girl, I'm ready." Exactly.

I have like, I tried writing into my will and being like, "What if they just like ate me?" And they're like, "They can't do that. That's not legal." And I'm like, "What if I put it in my will?" And they're like, "Still not happening." Yeah, but I did make it in my will where everybody has to wear like a silly t-shirt to my funeral. Yeah, kind of a silly t-shirt contest at that point. Cool. Whoever has the best shirt gets my ashes. That'd be pretty funny, right? Yeah, yeah. Might as well.

Has anything ridiculous besides sh— s—, has anything ridiculous or funny happened during a collab or a scene, like a professional shoot where you were like, "Goddamn, that's one to remember"? Okay, other story wasn't me and wasn't a collab, but this is a very memorable story to me actually with a comedian I like. Know a few comedians. Oh God. Okay. Okay. So, uh, I'm just like hanging out with him. We're chitchatting. I think I'm start talking about how I love it. And he's like, "Do you, do you think I have a cute butt?" And I'm like, "Well, yeah, I mean, I've seen it. Like, pull your butt out. Like, let me, let me see." And this man literally, I, I kid you not, he stands up and instead of just like pulling his pants down, being like, he like spreads the cheeks. He like grabs that sh— and, oh my God, giant. Oh no, giant dookie. Just a lot right stuck in between that that crack. I have never ever. I mean, you, I feel like if you sh— yourself, it's going to like, kind of go in your pants or something like that. That was sticking to him with every, like, everything it could. This is shocking to me. Right up in his. I, I didn't say a word. And you were just chilling? I didn't say a word. So, h— on. So, h— on. He was just chilling on the couch with a whole in his pants. Whole in his pants. Like, did he know? Was this like a fetish thing? This is why I could never have with the comedian because I feel like they have the weirdest fetishes in the world. And I think I'm right. I think you're right. That's, well, there's no way I could have a full. And and and then ask like, "Hey, hang, do you think I've got like a cute then spread my for you with a full?" That was intentional. Was so, cuz he spread it too. I'm like, I wasn't here. Oh my God.

So that's actually hilarious. That happened. I've got a lot of stories. Uh, one time I was like, I was having with a guy and then he was like, "Yeah, finger my." And I was like, "I don't usually do this because I know not to trust your kind to have a clean butt. I'll do it." And I swear to, he must have eaten a granola bar before and or something because it like almost cut my finger in there. So up. I feel like people look at me and they're like, "Yeah, let's traumatize her with." Right. And every I that's funny. It's it's heartbreaking because I love. He must have been not hydrated at all. Just a rock hard. Oh, I swear there was like pieces of granola. It was sharp. That's hilarious. It was sharp. It was like a meat grinder in there. It was crazy. Yeah.

I've heard bad stories. Like I have a lot of friends, um, in the industry who do full service and they talk, the skid marks. They literally talk about the, you have to shower before. They talk about like having to, having to explain explicitly, "I want you to go in there. I want you to wash your, wash all the main areas, armpits, the groin, the crack." I repeat, the. And they still don't. They, I know, I, I, I'm an epidemic. Follow a lot of them and they, the stories. I did full service for like a, a stand and then I was like, "Actually, I will literally shoot someone if I have to be in a room with a man for that long." Because I mean, there's a reason they're paying for it. It's usually not fun. No, that's right. That's right. Yeah. So, cahoots to those girls. I have so much love and respect for you. I wish I could just go around like a Hollywood hotel with a care kit for these girls and be like, "I'm so sorry. I love you." It's just like, baby wipes. Yeah, a lot of. I, I like to think that a lot of girls have a lot of the girls that I know anyway, who do OnlyFans, who have the option with OnlyFans. I'm not talking about survival, survival service, not at all. I'm talking about the girls that I, that I work with who, you know, have options. Like, I'm assuming that they, I would like to think actually that they have mostly good, hygienic, nice clients. But, you know, I might, I'm probably wrong. There's a few. There's, there's, there's a handful. I mean, I remember one time this client like wanted to make a charcuterie board and we were chitchatting and he puts a little baby pickle in his mouth and then looks at me and just open mouth kisses me with this baby pickle in his mouth. And, oh my God, I started to tear up. That was so upsetting. I was like, "Don't ruin pickles for me. This is all I have left." No. Oh my God. Yeah. So, f— up with what people have to go through because men don't know how to be people. Horrifying. Horrifying stories. Yeah, no doubt about it.

I feel like we were going somewhere and I lost it. Yeah, it's gone. I can't remember either. ADHD. That's okay. I, I feel like that was, that was a pretty good tangent anyway. Yeah, that was important work we did there. Yeah. Feel like we helped someone out there to know that they need to clean their. Totally. Boys, clean your. Yeah. Very important. Swear to God.

Got anything else you want to talk about before we finish up? Anything else cool happening with you? Ooh, I just got a "hey you" text. Oh, snap. From, from one of the rotation. Uh, I'm, I'm keeping him out of the rotation because, got to work for the. I know I'm a catch, but also don't fall in love with me because I. I have to be in love with it. Sounds like you're, you're very good for the time you're with them and then you're like, you're very, you-focused right now. Yeah, which is great. It's me time. Totally. It's me time. It's your time to shine, baby. Time. So I'm like, it's not this thing where it's like, "Oh, let me take you out to dinner." I'm like, "First of all, I want to eat by myself and watch my little show." I don't see myself dating people because I honestly just don't want to have to give up anything there. I want to be selfish. There's nothing wrong with being selfish and you're like, 23 years old. So this is the time to be selfish. I already had my whole housewife stint. I literally had stepchildren at one point. You married? Did you say that? No. Kind of, right? I was deeply in love, right? Deeply in love and ready to commit for the rest of my life with someone and had cute. Yeah, they were. Thing. But actually, the person I had stepchildren with, I didn't even marry. I just like was like, "I guess I'm a mom now." And I'm 20 years old. This is great. How'd you fall into that? Just, it was supposed to just be like a hookup and then like, I come downstairs next morning and he's like, "These are my." [Laughter] Kids. And then I just realized that like, was one of it was actually a really sad situation where I like, I stayed for the kids because I realized they really needed someone who really able to show them like, "Hey, you could build a really good life for yourself." I just don't think that they had a lot of people to show them what they were capable of. That's sad. And I just didn't want them to get used to having less than what they deserve. So I, that's sweet of. Stuck around and I was a, I was a mother for how long? Two years. Wow. Yeah. And then finally, I was at my last straw and I was like, "I can't." But get out. I, I feel like maybe it's inappropriate for me to like reach out. They are like old enough for like, like I think it's fine, but I'm also just like, I don't want to overstep anything. But I really do hope that like, I think I made it clear like, "In the future, call me. You need anything. You need money. You need a place to stay. Anything." So I really, really hope that they've held on to that and that they know that like, I'm around. I'm not changing my number. Right? Yeah. That's very sweet. Very sweet.

I always think like, um, people when they do like, "Well, you say you're selfish, but like, that's a very non-selfish thing to do." I'm trying to be selfish. I'm really trying right now. I'm in this era where I'm trying to be like a, and selfish and just like, because I feel like you just open yourself up to so much more hurt when you're just like blindly trusting people to be good. M—h. And I feel like that's me up so many times where I'm like, "Okay, now I'm going to be a." It's you. It's your time. It's me time. And you have to be stern with that. So the rotation, anyone in rotation who wants to fall in love can. This is your time. No, don't, don't give me a hate you text. Grow up. Leave me alone. I'm the worst person ever. I'm really trying to convince people of that. And like, I'm a, but I'm really in my head. I'm like, I have boundaries. Yeah. I'm going to go to bed at 11:30. Boundaries are fine. I think if more people had boundaries, we'd have like a lot more happy society. And if we didn't view boundaries as like a, "Oh, you hate me thing." Like, I feel like I, at least like as a woman, I was almost like taught or at least like society just kind of made me feel like me having boundaries made me mean to people. Like me not smiling back or like opening myself up to conversation with strangers or like just being this like sweetheart girl. Like, no, I am a person. I don't want to talk to you. I don't think that I owe you this interaction or whatever. It doesn't mean I like, don't owe people like common decency. But like, I think, yeah, I, I think I feel like in my head, I always saw boundaries as like a, "Oh, you're being mean to them." Oh, no. Yeah. And that's not how that works. Me having boundaries is me actually having the kindness to not lash out and stab somebody because they pushed me too far. Right on. Right on. Absolutely.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Let's finish it up there, huh? Don't tell everyone where they can find. I'm like, "What did we do? Like, 5 hours of talking out my." Yeah, basically. Oh God. I'm going to clip that up real nice. I told the story. I told the story. Forgive me. Well, you're forgiven. Tell everyone where, where they can find you. You can find me on Instagram at Lana Smalls. I'm on Twitter at Lana Smalls XXX. I'm on OnlyFans at Lana Smalls X. I'm on F—ly at Cowgirl. I'm on, that was my first. Yeah. I'm on ManyVids at Lana Smalls. Maybe. I think that's it. I think that's it. My Linktree is just Lana Smalls XXX or Cowgirl Cumies. I don't remember. F—. I'm not good at this. And we're going to have our video out in the next month, few weeks. And, um, it was looking forward to inside you next time. Yeah. Just no here. Thanks for coming, everyone.