AVOIDANT WOMEN and ANXIOUS MEN - The risks this pairing brings, and how to make your romance work❤️

Hey chat, glad to see you guys again. I am here today to talk about one big thing that you've asked about a lot in the comment sections. I know it, I know you have been, and I get a lot of this kind of couple straight into my coaching practice. I've been working with avoidant women and anxious men, oh guys, 10, 15 years now. It's been a long time. I've seen thousands of these couples, you guys.

So as much as avoidant men and anxious women are the number one dynamic that we tend to work with with marriage and family therapy, as I was for many years, but also as the attachment specialist, it's the number one pairing. It's the most common. We can talk about why. But I know a lot of you are anxious men, and a lot of you are avoidant women, and many of you times you have questions about your relationship. I'm going to be answering a lot of those here today, and I can't wait to share some of this information with you. I want to help you guard your relationship and, quite frankly, guard yourself from heartbreak because this is, this is one of the most difficult relationship dynamics to really, really fix.

Um, I don't want to make anyone feel hopeless out there because it's not, it's not hopeless. There's definitely ways to fix this relationship dynamic. It's just one of the most challenging, uh, for a number of reasons we're going to dive into here today. Otherwise, first, I want to say hi to everybody. Welcome here. If you're new to the channel, welcome, and I'm glad that you're here for this conversation. If you've been around for a little while, welcome back. Say hi in chat or say hi in a comment. I'd love to hear from you.

But, uh, this topic, man, I, I don't avoid this topic. I, I want everybody here here to know that people think that I'm avoiding talking about avoidant women. I'm not, in any way, shape, or form. Um, it's just that the vast majority of you are not in this dynamic. Probably, I would say, probably 15% of you, if I really had to put a number on it, 15% of you might be in this relationship dynamic. So today, I wanted to give you this attention because it's, it's cuffing season. A lot of times, this is actually where avoidant women and anxious men start connecting is in cuffing season. We, we handcuff ourselves to another person for the fall, uh, and for winter time. Very, very common for this pairing to meet up right now. So I want to make sure you guys have that information.

Chat, glad to see you. Sahara, glad you're here. Emily, Adriana. Um, is it more difficult than avoidant, avoidant? Yes, actually, yes, it quite, quite a lot. Is, uh, Queen Le, glad to, glad you're here. Phoenix, good to see you again, as always. Jotto, glad you're here from Finland. Ah, love it. Christina, glad you're here too. AV, why would avoidant woman and anxious, an anxious woman? Very similar dynamic to what we're going to talk about here today. Um, I tend to just gravitate toward one of the most, uh, largest groups of populations I can target. So anxious women, avoidant women, I've worked with with that pairing plenty of times. It's, it's more or less the same as what we're going to describe here today. It's just that their bedroom activities tend to drop off really, really fast, faster than with a, a heterosexual couple, to be honest with you.

Adriana, actually, it makes sense. Either secure, avoid. I can't even make it work with anxious friends. We'll talk about that. We're going to talk about that. Hi from Florida. AV, stay safe. I hope that you were safe, or are safe, and will be safe. Be careful. I know that they're, they're talking about that category 5 hurricane coming pretty quick. So be careful about that. Please, everybody who's, who's in that path, please be very careful. I have some very dear friends down there in that pathway. Alaska bike packing, I'm married to an avoidant for 28 years, like a May, a narcissist. She started doing inner work. I'm going, crux of stay or go. Okay, we're going to talk about this here today. We're going to talk about this. Aon, does this dynamic become abusive? It can. Any dynamic can become abusive. Um, it just depends on how both partners are interacting, the choices each one is making. Any pairing can become abusive at some point, you guys. Um, even secure and secure. I have seen secure and secure when they go, like, one of them gets a brain problem, all of a sudden, a car crash, or a brain tumor, or something can turn abusive from, from various disruptive behaviors that they can have and regulations that come up from brain issues. So any pairing can become abusive. I just want to make that clear. Okay. When will there be a replay? I need to go. This is always recorded and it will be posted. So absolutely, come back and watch it again.

All right, you guys ready? Are you ready for this conversation? I know you are because a lot of you have been in my comment sections lately. I keep saying, talk about avoidant women. What about avoidant women? I'm with an avoidant woman. Uh, what about anxious men? I am an anxious man. I have this anxious guy. What do I do? I'm seeing a lot of that. Although the question usually looking fit and healthy. Well, thank you very much. I'm trying. I'm trying. Appreciate that. Um, a lot of you have been focused on the, the avoidant woman piece rather than the anxious man piece. Totally fine. Okay, today, avoidant women and anxious men. Um, I will say this right up front. Is in many cases, this dynamic does mirror the avoidant man, anxious woman dynamic. There are key differences. We're going to roll through. I'm not going to rehash the same avoidant and anxious dynamic over and over and over that I have a million times here on this channel. Go watch any of my videos talking about the anxious and avoidant dance. You know it by now. So talk, watch those videos. There's a ton of them here on this channel. What I want to specifically focus on is what is different about each of these people that are involved and why is this dynamic a little bit different in this capacity? Okay.

Um, avoidant women in particular, and anxious men in particular. The biggest problem that I see is it's a massive inversion of that more typically natural state that a woman is typically in neurologically or neurobiologically, and that a man is typically neurobiologically in. What do I mean? Uh, we talk, there's a lot of talk on Instagram, on TikTok about feminine energy. What feminine energy usually means is that a woman is more in her parasympathetic nervous system. This is the rest and digest mode. Okay. Uh, we go back to hunter-gatherers. The worst, most catastrophic failure of a tribe is to have threats constantly puncturing in to the inner circle of the, the, of the group, of the family, where the, the children are, the nursing mothers are, right? The pregnant mothers. This is where you want the safest connection. And women are designed to be more toward that clustered inner safety shelter so that they can have a soothed nervous system. If you look at, uh, women with fertility issues, one of the biggest problems with fertility is actually being in a chronically sympathetic nervous system activated state. Jessica Preston is really big about this. You saw me interview her recently here on this channel, but she has one of the, one of the best methods for fixing fertility. It actually beats out IVF, and even if IVF didn't work for you, her method usually will. It's based first on bringing down your sympathetic nervous system activation and returning a woman to her parasympathetic nervous system. They can actually work on rejuvenating eggs, even if those eggs have been damaged. There's a lot of different things you can do once you get a woman into a parasympathetic nervous state, that rest and digest mode, where you're calm.

Modern life is shoves women to like the front lines emotionally every single day where you're not supposed to have to be. Now, can women endure it? Absolutely. Is it good for them? Absolutely not. In fact, we see massive increases of cancer risks. Uh, this is one major reason that roughly one quarter of all American women are now on a psych med of some kind, antidepressant, anti-anxiety. Um, it's a massive reason for the levels of female unhappiness that are are being measured all across the Western Hemisphere. It's catastrophic. Okay. Our, our society from a social standpoint and from a neurobiological standpoint for women, our society is a failure, an utter catastrophic failure for women, if you look at it that way. Um, so masculine energy, what is masculine energy? It's flipping to be in a chronic sympathetic nervous system state where you become more numb to that feeling, you dissociate from your feelings, you deal with chronic ongoing stress, and then you have to problem-solve, solve, problem-solve, problem-solve inside that stress state. A lot of women talk about the mental load, they talk about feeling overwhelmed, they talk about feeling like resentful that they have to be in their masculine so much, then they want a man who's going to be in his more masculine so that she can rest, at least when she's in his presence, and he takes over a lot of that risk assessment, the threat detection. What she's saying is, I want to return to my parasympathetic nervous system state. If you can allow me to do that, I can then return that nurturing to you and help enhance and heal you. The male system is designed more for chronic sympathetic nervous system activation. It's still not great for it, but it's designed to handle it more often and to deal with it more often. Okay. Even the brain is, is shaped differently. The brain, uh, catalogs things differently. The pathways in the brain of the most frequent movement back to forward, back to front, solution-based, instead of the female brain, mostly across the hemispheres to analyze and and improve. Um, our brains are even built for the different sympathetic and and parasympathetic nervous system states.

So avoidant women are raised in early childhood, uh, with the understanding that other people are not going to help them. Other people are arbitrary and hurtful. Other people are absent. Uh, other people are not to be trusted. She does not turn inward and blame herself like an anxious woman does. Instead, she completely shuts down that bonding process because she no longer trusts other people. And through repeated hurts, she learns that she has to handle herself and take care of herself. This enters into a chronic activated sympathetic nervous system state, which we would call a masculine state, or or masculine energy, or avoidant attachment style. Okay. So a woman who is perpetually active in that, society has utterly failed her to the complete degree. Okay. She is now no longer safe in a, in a family troop, or a pack, or hunter-gatherer, or village. She is now a woman alone in a forest with a sharp stick, surrounded by predators and idiots and thieves who are all trying to take from her and rob her. That's an, an avoidant woman. Okay. There's going to be a few key differences from an anxious woman, or, or from a secure woman, or a disorganized woman. Okay. Her sympathetic nervous system is activated in such a way that it blocks her oxytocin receptors. So most avoidant women have never experienced oxytocin bonding, which is enormously important for the female hormone system, for fertility, for bedroom drive, for bedroom pleasure, in many cases, for being able to get stimulated properly during that act with a loving partner. They don't usually know how to get to connect it with a loving partner. Um, it will actually sometimes make their skin crawl if they develop an oxytocin phobic response, where they have an aversion to close contact, an aversion to emotional intimacy. Avoidantly attached women, if you use any, any dating advice in the world, it is pretty much opposite of what actually works for them. Um, they will not get, they, they aren't interested in flowers and chocolates, usually. Those are stupid sentimental gifts. They're used to. They're interested in like ammunition and razor wire that they can string up along the perimeter. Okay. Usually a little bit more like practical gifts. Duct tape, yes. 300 pounds of duct tape. I could see myself building armor from this. Well done, servant. That's, that's kind of more the approach that they're looking at for, for these kind of things. Okay. But there, many of them, sometimes they're more interested in gathering resources, safety, in that capacity, if that makes sense. Um, avoidant women are designed to survive in a post-apocalyptic survival scenario. Think of it that way. Okay. The women that would survive post-apocalyptic scenarios, instead of trading favors for dog soup, they are the ones out there hunting and acquiring dog soup and trading the goods for other, for more ammunition. They would be the ones that would thrive in a post-apocalyptic, post-apocalyptic wasteland. When you watch post-apocalyptic films and you see the women on there, those are usually avoidant women. That's usually what that's for. Okay. Now, because of that, they haven't experienced oxytocin, so their entire system is wildly out of whack. Um, bedroom, everything, vastly different.

Let's talk about switch for a moment. Anxious men. Okay. Primary, primary broken attachment for men is actually avoidant to flip into that mode, right? And you want men in catastrophic circumstances to flip more into that resource acquiring, hard driven, less sentiment, do whatever it takes to survive. You want men to flip into that instead. Anxious attachment men are men who have crumbled inward and blame themselves. They have a massive inferiority complex. They're looking for someone to rescue them. They are looking for somebody else to stimulate the safe feeling in them, rather than craft that safe feeling for themselves. This is more of what we would call an eminate state, not feminine, but eminate, which is the word we use to describe an inappropriate presence of feminine attributes where there needs to be masculine attributes. Um, an eminate situation like this actually lowers other people's trust and respect for him, especially if they are also in a survival state. Okay. We call these guys nice guys. Nice guys are this. This is the friend zone, you guys. This is what creates friend zone. Is a man who dislikes himself, tries to please other people, hides who he truly is. His kind acts are usually codependent and they have, they have price tags attached that he's not going to talk about. And, and he, he does nice things hoping to get things in return. Now, these guys are not usually maliciously inclined at all, not usually. Despite what people will say sometimes, they do blow up with resentment, but they're not usually like, hey, I'm gonna do these eight things and then like hurt her. That's like male feminists. Okay. Male feminists do that. But nice guys are the ones who are fairly honest, very straightforward, but not about themselves. They have to cover up, and they will do anything for you, and they're, they're endlessly thinking it's their fault, hoping that if they do enough, you will stimulate their safe feeling by providing oxytocin. But, and then they're addicted to that cycle. Okay. Women don't feel safe with these guys at all because he's secretive and he seems manipulative, and she doesn't know what could happen. But the second piece is that he is so open to suggestion and control from others that a third party, a bad actor, can come in, get control of him on the other side, and take him away from you. You know, a succubus kind of woman can come in and steal him at a moment's notice, or someone can threaten him. He's less likely to stand to attackers or Raiders who come in to burn your little, you know, post-apocalyptic farm to the ground. So anxious, anxious men, very, very, very low markers of trust in women. Women usually get the ick. Okay. If he manages to connect to a woman, often it is an avoidant woman because he will be pleasing, he's trying to stimulate her in the way she wants. He is less of a threat because he's not directly in her face. She can maintain some elements of control. Uh, it's just, it's, it's there. There's no upfront strings that she has to worry about, and there's no upfront payments that she usually has to worry about.

So avoidant men, avoidant women, and anxious men do pair up. Okay. They do pair up. This is, it happens quite often. This is one of the most common couples that comes into my coaching for help because there's so much difficulty here. You might be seeing some of it already. I'm going to pause here and and flip the chat and talk to you guys for a bit about this. But what do you guys think might be in chat? Chat, you tell me, what do you think is the biggest problem for avoidant women, like I've just described, and anxious men, like I've just described? And keep in mind, both of their brains are in like post-apocalyptic wasteland scenarios. What do you think is the biggest one? I'd love to hear from you guys. I think I'm avoiding might be. There's plenty of women on this channel who are, and I have nothing against them. Nothing against anxious men either, to be honest with you. I know I, I sound harsh sometimes, but the, the truth, the truth, I think sets us free, to be honest with you. So I love you guys too much to not give you the truth at this point. Hello from Louisiana. Glad you're here. Glad you're here. All right, any questions? Chat, any, any, any, uh, any guesses? Chat, I don't see any guesses over there yet about what you think is the most difficult dynamic for avoidant women and anxious men. She's very, very masculine. He's eminate. Think of it that way. The nervous system and overdrive. Big one. Absolutely. Absolutely. Uh, there's a good one. Our co-avoidant women, covert narcs? I hate this term, covert narc, and I know what you're saying, you're fine using it, but, um, covert narcissist, usually it's just another term for avoidantly attached people. Um, and avoidant attachment comes on that long spectrum, right, of from ethical down to manipulative. The more manipulative you are, basically, the more people have hurt you, and the more that you attribute malicious intent to other people. So the more you can justify hurtful behavior back because you're doing less than what you think they're doing to you. So that's what we'd call covert narcissists, is somebody that in that relationship, if things get tougher, they have more narcissistic, self-focused behaviors, uh, and they're willing to use more hurtful behaviors to try to manage you. That's what that usually means. So some avoidant women are what we would consider a covert narcissist. Most that I have met are not, but some are, just like some men are. Lack of respect. That's a good one. Oh, that's a really good one. I love that. Let's come back to that one here in just a minute because, yes, you are right on. Anxious men could be too overwhelming for avoidant women and cause them to run and ghost. Also, that absolutely. She becomes his mom. Yes. So you guys are on track with this. I love this. You, you already sense it. Um, men think the avoidant women don't like them when they need space. Yes, they end up reinforcing the avoidant wound. You have everything on your own. 100%. I love that you guys see, you guys have been here. I love this. You're learning. My avoidant ex tried to get my attention through toxic means. Very, very common in some of these cases. Um, I'm saying covert narc since I dated avoidant woman as an anxious man three years ago. She came back into my life last year. She wanted to be friends. Never wanted to commit. Shut an emotion. 100%. That happens. They cycle in and out. Um, especially if you did inspire some bonding in them. Okay, let's roll through this because some of your questions, some of yours are right on. Women can't get out of survival mode with anxious men. Thriving feminine. Yeah, I love it. I love it. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Um, sound off in chat. You guys, if no, don't turn sound off. Sound off. Like blast in chat if this is hitting the, if this is hitting the dot. Like, yes, this is it. No, it's not.

Okay, number one. Avoidant women are chronically in a sympathetic nervous system activated state. Their biology as a hunter-gatherer structure in our brain says a man should be providing that safety for me. Even if I don't need him to sweep in and pay my bills, he should be providing a place where I at least can feel calm and steady so that I can flip out of my sympathetic nervous system state. That is the purpose of a man, right? Is to provide that safe, structured area for me to feel safer. Why should I have a man if he's not providing that? So over time, her system begins to actively resent him. Even if, as an avoidant woman, she doesn't understand that she could flip into that parasympathetic state, she is chronically activated in the sympathetic and that masculine energy and begins to burn down and resent him. This is often where she loses that respect for him. Nicole, like you said, that lack of respect. She has no reason to start respecting him because she's doing so much more work on him or for than him. It feels like she's doing her work plus his work. Again, neurobiologically, hunter-gatherer structure. I'm not saying like she needs him to pay her bills. Most of them don't even want that. They want to be safe and structured on their own, but she is neurobiologically designed to see that he is failing her from an evolutionary perspective, from a reproductive spec, uh, focus, from, from that hunter-gatherer structure. If he's the one hiding and she has to go out and face the saber-tooth tigers with a stick over and over and over to comfort him, massive problem. Okay? Especially as his emotions spike out and she has to tiptoe around his feelings. She really loses respect for him, and a lot, there's a lot of eye-rolling that starts happening at this part. Okay? A lot of eye-rolling that happens at this part. Um, this, and I'm going to be very clear, I'm not here to like beat on anxious men. This is just, this is how this is perceived though. Okay? And, and no one's going to be harsher than them on than than they will on themselves. So I can't even go there. Um, but this is number one.

Number two is her bedroom drive. I mean, we, we've talked about dopamine, we've talked about novelty. Dopamine. Avoidant women tend to, they have to get direct stimulation on the button. I think you can't say it here on YouTube, on the button, direct stimulation. They often have to do it themselves. And the bedroom act is usually one that in they like, hey, I really need some dopamine. I really need some stress relief. Uh, or long-term in a relationship, past let's say the first year, she like puts it on her calendar. Most of women I work with, they're like, it's on my calendar twice a week. I go to him, I do this act, I enjoy it a little bit, it's all right, I guess, but like, I make sure that it happens so that I am maintaining and regulating him. Like that's what it becomes. As a very mechanical procedure so that she's caring for him. Most anxious men hate this because they actually do want a more of an intimate connection with her and they have no idea why a woman is coming to them like this when it's the opposite of what every piece of conventional wisdom says a woman should do. She is the complete opposite. She's like, okay, sweetheart, it's 7:30. It's time for your annual cleaning. Here we go. Like, you know, that's more what it's like. And, and it's very abrasive for the anxious man who he started to feel guilty, he feels like he's hurting her, he feels like he's using her, he feels like he's, uh, well, I mean, there's, there's bedroom bad bedroom things, right? We can't even say those words on YouTube, but he feels like he is using and hurting her and exploiting her in a bedroom act, and that guilt starts to overwhelm him. And he also feels just awful that it's this abrasive, mechanical thing. He wants that interconnection. He wants, he wants the oxytocin. It's fascinating because he will take on the role of the stereotypical female partner looking for more emotional intimacy. She will take on the role of the more stereotypical male partner who's like resentful, pushes back, confused, alarmed, like, why are you asking for this? What are you pushing for? That's weird. I don't understand. Why can't you just enjoy it? Other guys would love their wife to have it on a schedule twice a week and be doing this for you. Like, tell me, I will wear anything, I will do anything, I don't even care, just let me know what you need. It's like changing the oil for them. Um, it's not that they don't get pleasure themselves. It's just after that novelty dopamine falls off a cliff, many times their drive also falls off a cliff, unless they are currently ovulating in their cycle, then it might bump up a little bit and then go flatline again, usually. So it's the ovulation hormones that usually do it, or the stress and then needing that relief from the dopamine is usually what they're looking for. Many times after the bedroom act, she will throw her clothes back on and like out of the room immediately because that oxytocin phobic response makes it really uncomfortable. He takes this very personally because it, it feels like she's just like, all right, you're done. We've milked you. Now I'm out. It's like milking a goat in the morning. He's like, I am a goat who gets milked twice a week, and then I get put right back in the barn and not spoken to or no eye contact for the next three days. That's, that's how it starts to feel. She doesn't realize she's coming across that abrasive. She actually thinks she's being very caring and nurturing. The problem with a lot of avoidant women is they think they're being caring and nurturing by following checklists. It's because they don't have oxytocin to make them feel affection, that warmth, that, that over abundance of affection. I mean, to to really like, ah, I care about you. Let me give you an abundance of feminine energy. So a lot of avoidant moms are good people, uh, but they come across as terrible, cold, distant moms, uh, very cold, distant wives. And even a secure partner often has a hard time with an avoidant woman. Not again, not because they're bad, just because, like, the cold mechanics of it. Like, do you really want a Terminator robot coming to you twice a week to milk you like a goat? Think of it like that. Um, as far as the, the anxious man, he's like consumed with her needing space and pulling away and then coming back and needing space and coming back. So he flips into emotional instability, which any woman has a problem with. Any woman has a problem with a man not showing emotional discipline, for him being really connected externally to his world, where that, in a bad way, where it overwhelms him and floods him. It, it creates a massive disruption, which makes him look very unstable and very unsafe. So most women pull back at this point anyway, and their bedroom drive would go down. So it further exacerbates that problem. He starts feeling shame, usually at this point, intensely. And she starts feeling big frustration in the relationship. Avoidant women, it depends. Ethically, avoidant women are not usually ones to jump in and out of relationships at hyperspeed. They, they're more like serial monogamists, where they get together with a partner, they stay for a few years, they break up, they have a hookup or two, then they get back with a serious partner for a couple of years, they break up, maybe they have a hookup or two. It's, it's this endless cycle over and over and over for them. But they're more serial monogamists. Um, manipulatively avoidant women are more the ones dating, like, how much money do you have? You need to be paying for this. You need paying for that. You have to do this. Here's a list of what I'll provide. That's even straying more toward personality disorder territory. But even just manipulative avoidant women can mimic that, especially when they're on the internet learning from other women on TikTok about how to do that. There's some YouTube channels on here, we've talked about those before. But this, this is the process of anxious women and avoidant, avoidant women and anxious men. They usually come to me at year like four, four to six, usually. Sometimes they've had a kid or two. Uh, sometimes they haven't. She's usually frustrated and she's like, look, look, coach, just tell him to just accept the weekly goat milking and tell him it's not a problem. He's crying a lot, and it's like, really screwing up my calibration on the, the sniper rifles that I'm setting around my house for when I have to shoot intruders, and it's bothering the crap out of me. I'm trying to make money over here, and I'm trying to, this, just quiet him down. His crying is really bothering me. And he's like, do you hear that? Like, all I want is emotional intimacy. I want bonding. I want to see that you actually care about me. I'm not liking how this is feeling, right? And they, they flip those two stereotypical roles. I've seen this again and again. It's fascinating. Some of the most wonderful couples have come in me like this.

So what do we do about it? Okay? How do we start managing this? Um, there's a couple key things that have to happen. Number one, the avoidant woman, and this is not the order it has to happen in, just in general. The avoidant woman has to understand that she is chronically activated in her sympathetic nervous system. When we say burnout, mental load, masculine energy, when we say that, like what we mean is chronic sympathetic nervous system activation. She usually has not felt her parasympathetic nervous system, her, her vagus nerve, her, uh, her rest and digest mode. She hasn't entered that safety mode and actually felt what that's ever like. No one's ever provided that for her, and she's learned not to hope for it. So that's number one, is teaching her that there is another way to be. Uh, many of them come in when she has had an affair at like three to four years, uh, and she hates herself for it. Um, but it was a dopamine fling. It wasn't a full-on emotional connection for her. It was a dopamine fling during a really bad time, not to excuse it at all, but that's usually how she views it. Um, usually they come in at this point, she's like, look, I, I don't even know what else there is. I'm trying to make this relationship work. He's asking me for things I don't understand. He's mad that I'm having sex with him twice a week. Uh, I don't, I don't know what to do. Like, what, what is the point here? And I have to educate them about their parasympathetic nervous system, about oxytocin bonding, about how they tend to jump up after bed and throw their clothes on immediately, how they're very, very different from about 80% of other women, and how that's not like bad judgment on them, it's just she's never been able to feel safe. Okay. When she starts like, is it really possible? Yes, it's 100% possible. In fact, your body is made for this. It's just you're chronically activated in the safety mode. We got to pull you out of safety mode, get you into a healthy mode, stable, consistent. You're going to start bonding, and I've seen it so many times, it's wonderful. Uh, you're going to start bonding, calming down, feeling safe and relaxed. Your conversations will change. The intimacy is going to vastly improve. Usually, some of them have never experienced a climax in the bedroom, or only very rarely, and usually with like heavy machinery involved. Uh, they can usually start doing it pretty consistently, pretty spontaneously, Um, because the emotional bonding is there, the oxytocin is there. Many times they have their first multiples, uh, climaxes in the same experience, with a partner, it's guiding them as a couple through building that together has been, it's, it's wonderful to see that they're able to do that. Um, but usually what has to happen first is we educate the avoidant woman first. We have to reshape the anxious man's behavior. Okay. This usually involves actually going out and connecting to other men first, and then opening up with them and revealing that anxious attachment and fixing it. Usually, he has to get involved in martial arts. He has to usually get involved with a male mentor or two. He has to open up to his buddies about his problems and say, look, yell at me if I overthink. Yell at me if I do this. Uh, he needs like a complete mindset shift. I have to usually work with him on growing some masculine traits, including confrontation, which the martial arts helps with a lot. Um, he has to overcome the overthinking so that even if it's still there, he's thinking it, he's not acting upon it anymore. He needs to build emotional discipline and emotional resilience. That instantly flips him from being unattractive and ick to being solid, trustworthy, and dependable. And what's fascinating at that point is his anxious tendencies from before actually become assets because a stable, steady, disciplined man who is focused on his principles and his long-term mission, his goals with a, a group of healthy, accountable men around him who are driving him forward. That man, coupled with intense emotional intimacy and awareness of emotional bonding and all of that, becomes unstoppable. That man now comes back as a powerful asset who can step onto the front line with his wife or his girlfriend and say, okay, you have never rested. You can cool back and, and cool off. Let's have a couple talks so that you feel safe resting. I'm going to take the front. I'm going to handle things. And then in return, as you rest, you and I will begin having some conversations, and we're going to see as you bond differently, I'm going to be there for you. I'm going to help you do that. And she's like, well, I'm highly suspicious, but I'll give it a shot. And as he becomes more and more masculine in that, he doesn't have to go all the way into his sympathetic nervous system. He needs to become secure and masculine, especially with his group of friends and, and being able to do that, build those skills, build that consistency. Um, she naturally begins responding to him in a phenomenal way. I've, I've seen it. It's incredible. Watch. She, she starts calming down. She'll have protest behaviors where she'll pull back and see if he's going to chase. Um, there's times where she says, whoa, we're going too fast. This is scaring me. She'll push back. She'll try to seize control. And these are tests that he has to pass by just remaining emotionally calm. If he emotionally, like freaks out, she'll instantly go right back in and, and it'll be even harder than before. But if he can stay calm and steady and just talk her through it, say, okay, you're having these feelings. Understand, right now, you're thinking you kind of want to leave the relationship. Well, I will not die if you do. Uh, but I'd rather you stay with me. I've reached a place where I'm stable, and I'm not going to like cry and say I'm going to die if you need to leave. You can, but I'd really rather resolve this. So how can we work on this together? What do you need? And as he begins passing those tests like that, her sympathetic nervous system really cools down, and she begins entering her parasympathetic nervous system, where she begins really valuing his emotional sensitivity. He's had all this time, and then she immerses with him in that and becomes very kind and more intimate and, and love. She's grateful to him then for having given her that, that safety that she's never had in her life. And then she begins trusting him, which is cool because then she can step back, and she's more, as an avoidant woman, she's now able to step forward and take on a lot more stress that other women have a hard time dealing with. So they can become an immense power couple at this point, which is amazing to see. I've seen that happen plenty of times where they become this incredible, unstoppable power couple with a woman who is really resilient against stress and a man who is smart and stable, but emotionally, um, sensitive at the same time, and they can play off of each other's strength to a degree most other couples can't. So this dynamic is not only fixable, it can become a catalyst for an incredible bond. But it's very, very hard to do it if you don't know what you're looking at. If you try to follow any conventional relationship wisdom at all, it will completely backfire in your face, and you cannot do it alone as a solo couple. You do need a larger community, especially for the man to get that immersion with other men so that he can feel, feel pulled forward in that way and be held accountable so she doesn't have to be his mom. Really, really, really important for all that.

So, okay, that is the cycle, you guys. That is avoidant women and anxious men. Okay. Now, here's what I want to do. I want to open up the floor for questions to members of this community. Um, I'm going to open members-only chat if you guys have those because I, you support me, so I want to support you right back and give you first priority. Members, if you want to click that button right down there, if you're not a member yet, that says join, jump in, support the channel. I'm here and I'm happy to give you priority through all these live streams and the comment sections. Um, if you are a member, pop in here. I know you got a green name. Please, please, please let me, let me help. How can this Terminator sniper milk maiden? I love that. That is a great description. Prevent anxious attachment? Emotionally secure man. He finds my unresponsiveness to stimulation. Yeah, he's going to get freaked out because your unresponsiveness is going to really freak him out. Um, everything I just talked about actually needs to find that discipline with other people, not with you. If he needs immediate help, I have a book called Slaying Your Fear. It's like very masculine. It's on Amazon. Slaying Your Fear by Adam Lanesmith.com. Check out Slaying Your Fear. Oh, Terminator sniper milk maiden, please, please. That's the best name for avoidant women ever. Please, let's, let's, let's turn this into a thing. Community. Okay. All right, chat, you got me. Cool. Um, but that right there, get him to read that book or go through the audiobook together as a couple. Um, it's, it's on Amazon, guys. Check it out. Slaying Your Fear. That will walk him through the five steps to fixing anxious attachment like that. But the biggest thing I want to tell you is you are not responsible for fixing him. He needs to fix himself. If it's you driving that change, it doesn't really count because that's you still rescuing him. Emily H, welcome to support the channel. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. What questions do you have? And whoever has questions here, I am. It's time for the, find time for us to go. I got about 10 minutes for questions for members right here. And guys, later on, if you leave a comment or something or ask a question, remember that I will reply to those as well. So here I am. But mshalani, I, I hope that helps. I hope that helps. You can't be his mom. You can't rescue him. Uh, he needs to become emotionally resilient. Emily, can you elaborate on the oxytocin phobic response on how to fix that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oxytocin phobic response, um, is something I learned about from Dr. Sue Carter, actually, who is the leading expert in the world on oxytocin, vasopressin bonding. She, well, it's this, okay. It's when you start to feel that oxytocin bonding inside of you, it starts to stimulate your vagus nerve. It kind of warms up this area. It activates lungs, heart, stomach, rest and digest. If you start to relax out of your sympathetic nervous system enough to then open up your oxytocin receptors and start stimulating that, you actually have a fear response for two reasons. One is because being in your sympathetic nervous system state keeps you prepared for threats. So it feels like you're no longer prepared. Um, feels like you're going to sleep while there's a bunch of tigers prowling around like right outside your door, and they're going to break in and eat you, and you won't be awake to, to catch it. So that number one fear response, I won't be ready for threats. Number two, oxytocin is bonding to the other person, and it actually makes you desire them, to want to be closer to them. It makes you vulnerable to them in some ways. It's actually very addictive. So it can addict you to them and start really impacting your judgment if, if you do it too early. So then you feel vulnerable to the other person, like they're going to start taking control of you. That's the other piece. So I won't be able to react to threats in time, and this person will have control over me. I hate this, and it, it spikes your system instantly, and it, it, it's a rush of stress and fear, which makes you're just, makes your skin crawl, and you compulsively have to get away from it. You'll pull back. You, you'll be going like this. You'll be like, you'll be like the guy will be like, hey, just relax and snuggle. And you're like, I am relaxed. It's, it's like that feeling, right? That's, that's the problem. Um, it's, I got to put my clothes on. I got to go clean something. Hey, sorry, I can't snuggle with you in bed. I need to immediately go buy a new snow shovel, uh, for next winter. I, yes, I know it's July, but hey, you know what? There's a run on snow shovels right now. That's, that's, that's the oxytocin phobic response. Typically, you fix that number one by being aware of it. Number two, by having a partner that you actually can feel steady and safe enough with, which is usually not an active anxious man. He needs to work towards secure so he can help you be calm and steady so you don't have to worry about him as a risk. You can close the door, lock it, and then feel safe and immerse with him. And then, as you, you tell him like, hey, I have this response, but I kind of want to work through it. You desensitize to it in little pieces. You can step away when you need to, but the goal is to get back in there. As you feel less and less uncomfortable and safer with him, you'll, you'll start bonding with more and more oxytocin. Your brain will very quickly learn that that's not unsafe. It actually feels good, and then you'll really immerse with him, and that's where you start experiencing a flood of oxytocin. So I've walked a lot of women through fixing the oxytocin phobic response with their partner. It's, it's, it's some of the most rewarding work because she's never felt it. Her immune system comes back online. Her reproductive system comes back online in a good way. Um, her bedroom drive goes back. Remember that oxytocin is like female Viagra in a lot of ways. Um, but her fertility rates usually start going up, and then, uh, risk of miscarriages and things like that also typically go down. Risk of cancer start to go down. Risk of all the breakups and stuff also goes down pretty hard. So it's enormously important for her health, for her mental functioning. It releases Gaba, which suppresses cortisol in the future to keep her in a calm state. Even if a stress hits, she can stay calm and weather it better. Um, estrogen starts to balance out. You guys have seen a lot of like, a lot of estrogen issues, hormone issues in the West. Um, a lot of PCOS, a lot of other things like that from all these massive imbalances, and it may be linked to that chronic sympathetic nervous system activation, which we're seeing from, from attachment issues, but especially in avoidant women. So very, very common to have these problems. Very, very, very simple to fix them. Caveat, simple, not easy. Simple meaning there's ways to plug in and resolve it. The fear is there. Is the overcoming the fear is like the biggest problem. Um, I've worked with some women that trying to go through that oxytocin phobic response experience seizures, like small micro seizures at times, because they're so worried. So we have to back way off and just incrementally increase their bonding over time till it feels better and safer and more wonderful. So it happens. Great question. What other questions you guys have? I got about five, six more minutes. Any members in there have these spikes? Beagle, I feel like I should send this video to my void ex. Well, if it won't be taken like a cannonball fired through their war, the wall as an act of war, maybe. Um, but it is.

It is very important to have this information. A lot of avoidant women are not bad people in any way, shape, or form. They're just really hyperfocused on survival. Again, like they're the, like the badass girls in, like the post-apocalyptic survival scenarios that everyone's like, "Yeah, that's avoiding attachment style." Actually, that is what that is. Okay, there. It looks cool here in modern-day therapy world. It's like, "Why are you cleaning your gun at the dinner table?" And she's like, "Because I already sharpened all of my knives." Like, that's, that's the thinking, right? Like Rambo, Army, female Rambo kind of thing. But that's whatever version that takes on, whether the threats are physical, emotional, social, financial. She goes that hard at at managing those threats, but she doesn't really know how to turn that off.

I work with a lot of female lawyers, um, a lot of female surgeons or doctors in this, in this category, um, female business owners. I work with a lot of female business owners and female executives who are dealing with this, who don't know how to come down at the end of the day. And they married somebody who is more anxious and soft, and so that she can, she doesn't feel threatened by him, but now she doesn't feel safe with him either. And she thinks it's a, it's, it's one or the other. I'm gonna have to feel threatened by a guy or, or, uh, just not safe with him. So I'd rather feel not safe because I don't feel safe anywhere. At least I can manage that, right? Not an actual threat, but like a moderate, like, "Okay, here we go again. I have to deal with his feelings" kind of threat. A lot of women pick those guys for that reason. So there it is.

What other questions do you guys have? Any, uh, any avoidant women in the audience right now? Any avoidant female members? Love to hear from you guys. Did this, did this resonate for you guys? Did this click? Anxious guys out there, did this start to make sense? Again, I, I recommend you pick up my book, Slaying Your Fear. Great entry place for anybody trying to resolve those anxious attachments, male or female. Um, really, really important. People do ask me, um, I get this question all the time. The "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course, does it work for avoidant women? Yes. The vast majority of information in that course will do exactly what we're talking about here. It's just that the other element is becoming, uh, firmly masculine yourself. And I have a ton of videos here on this channel for that. "Speak Like a Man" is one of the videos here. The importance of male friendships is a video here on this channel. Check those out. But building the masculine presence so that she can feel safe enough to come out of her sympathetic nervous system, that's really what it is. And does "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course cover this? There we go. See, um, "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course, like I just said, that will cover the vast majority of things and that will begin working on a lot of this. It does encourage anxious people to start developing their own emotional discipline. Um, if you were to couple the "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course with my "Slaying Your Fear" book and with some of the masculinity videos here on this channel, that would cover you for an anxious man. That would cover an anxious man right there. So really good stuff. Really good questions.

Any other questions you guys? I feel like you're awfully quiet today, members. Any other members? Remember, you can hit join right down here, become a member, and I'm all yours for these live chats. And you get chat priority, you get comment priority, and there's some other bonuses in there as well. So check them out. Anything that I can answer for you guys right now? My members, you guys support me, so I want to support you back by making sure you get whatever answers you need right now. Emily, any questions on your side? Curious to find out, did this talk, did this resonate with you? You said, "I think I'm an avoidant woman." Did this confirm anything for you? If you're open to talking about it, dragging you out and interrogating you in front of a crowd of people, I know is probably not optimal. Yes, it did. Okay, there we go. Uh, Emily, I do have a video, um, on this channel. If you really want to just get started with him, I have a video on this channel called "How to Love an Avoidant Woman." Uh, great video here on this channel. Most people skipped it. Um, I get a ton of requests for avoidant woman content, and I produced that one. "How to Love an Avoidant Woman." It's a woman running away from a heart, I think, is the thumbnail. "How to Love an Avoidant Woman." Check it out. Please don't miss it. A lot of people miss that. Sit and watch it with them. I think it's about 25 minutes or so. Sit and watch it, and at the end, say, "You know, this would mean a lot to me. Um, is this something that you're willing to build with me and kind of work on with me? Could we do this together?" If you could do that, that might get him invested. Remember, what is the right way to say this? Because it's very crucial, but it's very sensitive. The goal is not to tell an anxious person, "You are a mess, and I don't like you, and I'll leave you with X, Y, or Z." And, and a lot of times, even criticizing them comes across that way. Remember that. If you tell them, "Doing this would be a huge gift to me, and it would mean a lot, and I would feel loved," if you tell an anxious person that, they'll usually crawl over broken glass for you. Okay? Pitch things as a gift to you. Pitch things as a kindness. I don't mean manipulatively. I mean, like, "I need space because I don't feel calm enough right now, and I only am able to calm myself alone because I don't know how to do it with other people. Co-regulate. So I don't know how to co-regulate, so I need some space. And when you give me that space, it's a gift to me, and it actually makes me grateful to you." That's a huge difference than, "Hey, I'm feeling stressed out and I need some space." Because then the anxious person says, "You're stressed out about me? It's my fault? Why can't you co-regulate? Why run away?" Because their way of thinking, they would co-regulate with you if they felt that bad. So they must have done something wrong for you to leave. This is a gift to me, and I only really know how to calm down like this, so I really need a place to cool down. Can you give me that space? That's a much better way to pitch it. But so is, "Hey, I want to learn a different dynamic with you."

Okay, here we go. I'm single. I don't get close to anyone, but I've watched most of your videos. Gotcha. I've never been with an anxious man, only avoidant, because they're more practical, and that's very attractive. Avoidant man and avoidant woman. I've seen that dynamic a number of times. It does tend to usually fall apart because there's not one person acting as the glue to keep it together. So whenever a problem comes up or that dopamine cliff hits at five, six months, it's just like, "Well, I guess this isn't working. Great. Thanks. Handshake. All right, see you next year." That's kind of the thing. Um, there's not much glue keeping it together. And the avoidant person tends to say, like, "Hey, you know, we had a disagreement the other day about salsa, but, you know, maybe we should actually split up. Maybe this is just it." And the other person's like, "Well, if you're saying so, then I suppose we should. Yes, we ought to." And then you split up. Like, that's, that's the, the problem with two avoidants linking up very often. So that's what I've seen time and again.

All right, you guys. It was wonderful sharing this time with you. Thank you so much for being here. I am coming back a couple of times this week for lives. Make sure you turn on notifications for this channel. Hit the bell. Turn it on. Turn on within your phone or your device as well. If YouTube can't give you notifications, then turning on notifications does no good. So activate notifications for YouTube in your device. Make sure you hit that bell, and you'll get a notification when I go live, and we'll do this for everybody watching this repeat. I love it. Thank you so much for being here. I know thousands of you watch these replays, which is cool. Leave your questions below. I am here to help. And any couples out there who are struggling with this right now, please by all means, send me an email, support@adamlanesmith.com, or drop a comment that says, "Adam, I want to work with you." I'm here to help you guys, okay? I even have payment plans for couples wanting to work with me. So let me know. I'm here to assist. Other than that, you guys take care of yourself, and I will see you next time.