Transcription
I've only known this guy for two weeks, and I'm already making myself miserable. I am constantly worrying if he likes me, if he finds me attractive. So, I always claim I have high standards, but once I meet someone, I seem to lose myself. If this scenario is somehow familiar to you, you might have an anxious attachment style.
Hi guys, it's Lena Amaya, and welcome to my channel. I'm happy to have you here. So, in this video, we're going to dive deep into the anxious attachment style. First, I'm going to give you signs that you might have an anxious attachment style. And second, I'm going to show you how you can heal it, like actually heal it. Most of the videos I've seen on YouTube show and claim that you can't heal your attachment style, but it's not true because I did. And my attachment style was the most complicated one, which is the fearful avoidant attachment style.
So, first signs that you might have an anxious attachment style. First thing you have to ask yourself: Do I want more closeness, or do I want to keep people away from me? That's the first question you have to ask yourself because anxious people crave closeness. Secure people also crave closeness. But anxious people do it in a more extreme way. So, ask yourself, do I crave closeness or not?
Second, anxious people tend to express insecurities. This might look like fearing that your partner is going to leave you, that he's going to stop having feelings for you from one day to another. You are jealous. You constantly ask him about his ex-partners. You want to know everything about his ex-partners. This might be connected to your anxious attachment style. Ask yourself, do I express insecurities in any type of way? If yes, you might have an anxious attachment style.
Number three, if you are unhappy when not in a relationship, you might have an anxious attachment style. So, when you constantly worry that you don't find your partner, you will never find your partner, you will be miserable because you will never find another one like him. You have an anxious attachment style because, no, this is not normal. This is connected to an anxious attachment style. Secure people, when not in a relationship, they don't worry. They know one day they're going to run into someone who's going to become their dream partner.
Number four, when you keep playing games in order to keep the person interested. Okay, so let's say we are in this modern age. You keep posting Instagram stories because you want him to see it. Or you try to follow other guys on Instagram because you want to make him jealous. You go see your ex-partner because you want to make him jealous. This is all connected to an anxious attachment style.
Number five is if you play hard to get. Playing hard to get. Well, you only have to play hard to get if somehow you are disconnected from your feminine energy because feminine women somehow are always harder to get because they know a man has to provide them with things and really show up for them in order to be with them. But if you have to play it, you're anxious because you would dive into the relationship within a week. But you have to play hard to get. So, you make it work.
Number six is difficulty explaining what is bothering you. This might be because you are afraid to lose him when you explain what's bothering you. Many, many people have this fear, and many people don't know that this is due to an anxious attachment style. Secure people don't fear conflict. They don't fear saying what is bothering them. Secure people would rather work things out instead of either avoiding them or being afraid to express them.
The last sign that you might have an anxious attachment style I'm going to give you is if you let your partner set the tone of the relationship. If he calls, I'm calling. If he doesn't text, I'm not texting. If he calls, I'm calling him back. But if they didn't, then, then I'm not going to call him back. If he wants to see me, then I'm going to ask him out as well. But if he doesn't, I'm not. Many people think this is normal, but it's not. It's also linked to an anxious attachment style.
So, researchers have showed that most people indeed are secure. However, why do I feel like a lot of people are anxious and avoidant these days? Well, because in this day and age, social media age, okay, most of the people are actually trying to promote an avoidant attachment style. So, they want you to act avoidant in order to be cool and lovable. So, what this has created is a lot of avoidant people out there and a lot of anxious people out there. So, what happens if a secure person runs into an avoidant person? The secure person might become anxious. And if the secure person and the anxious person come together, things can work out because, as a matter of fact, both want closeness.
So, before I'm going to tell you how you can heal your anxious attachment style, I want you to understand these things. You are only as needy as your unmet needs. So, if you feel that you become needy, there is something behind it. It might be because your partner doesn't give you what you crave. Let's say you date a secure person. Then you would not feel anxious because they also are into closeness and they provide you with closeness. They provide you with things that you want. So, there's no need to become needy.
Also, being needy is not being needy. A lot of people have associated being needy with wanting closeness, which is not true. Human beings have a desire for closeness automatically. This is how we are made. Our ancestors knew they would only survive if being with someone else. So, this is actually our survival instinct that we have. We, as human beings, have a survival instinct which makes us crave closeness to other people. We crave relationships. If somehow we don't have the security of a relationship, we feel like something, a foundation, is not given. So, this is actually not being needy. This is normal. Every human being has a need for relationships, for social security, because we need it as human beings. Our ancestors have set the tone. I don't know if it will change in the future. I don't know. But right now, it is what it is, and we should accept it. If you truly want to be happy, you have to accept the fact that you need relationships, friendships, family, a partner because that's our basic need.
Another thing you have to understand: the paradox of dependence. So, a lot of people think being independent, not having a partner, not having a stable relationship, so basically being independent, completely independent, is going to make you focus on your dream life, on your career, on everything else you need to do, on your work. But the paradox thing is not true. Because if you don't have that thing, that solid foundation of having a secure relationship, the first thing you will have on your mind is, "I have to get a new man or a new woman" because that's again our basic need. But if you have a secure person, if you are in a relationship with a secure person, then you will be able to focus on everything else. If you have a solid, stable relationship, you will be able to have full focus on your work life, to do everything you want to do in order to become successful, to focus on other things. But if this solid foundation is not given, you will not be able to do it. So, that's the paradox to think.
Another thing is the concept of independence doesn't really exist. Studies have showed that once we get into a relationship, we become dependent automatically. Dependency always exists. No matter in what relationship you are, dependency always automatically exists. Dependency is not a bad word. It's not a bad thing. It's a basic need. So, many, many, many people these days claim, "Wow, love doesn't exist like it used to exist." It does. It does exist. So, I'm going to give you the reason why you think that it doesn't exist anymore. Because our, let's say, ancestors, our grandparents, our parents, they were secure. They had no problem with showing interest, that interest, um, craving closeness, and being close to one another, expressing basic needs. But this generation has become brainwashed by TikTok. That being dependent is embarrassing. That's exactly why relationships don't work anymore. Understand, independence does not exist.
Let's actually dive into how you can heal your anxious attachment style. If you are still watching, then I guess you have an anxious attachment style, right? So, first thing, first, understand if you have a partner, what attachment style does he have or she? Simple question you can ask yourself again. Does he or she crave closeness, or does he or she keep me at an arm's length? Anxious and avoidant people tend to attract each other because avoidant people and other avoidant people most likely are never going to date each other because it's not going to work. Secure and avoidant people also, because secure people also crave closeness, but avoidant people avoid it. However, secure people and anxious people tend to date each other as well.
Once you get to know an avoidant person, you have to trick your brain to become unattracted to that avoidant acting. Okay? So, your partner gives mixed signals. That makes you crazy. That makes you crave more closeness, that makes you crave stability even more. But once you have any sign of an avoidant person, once there's any sign that your partner, or the person you're dating or getting to know right now, is avoidant, let that person go. If you feel like you can heal the avoidant person, it's not true. Because avoidant persons and anxious persons dating is only going to push the avoidant person even further away. It's never going to work.
There's a lady, um, let's call her Anna. Okay. So, Anna was dating Greg, and Greg was okay. No, let's call him John. Anna was dating John. She was anxious, and he was avoidant. So, John always made her feel like there was something wrong with her. John always made comments that were inappropriate. Okay. One time, John told Anna, "Well, I don't even think you're that attractive, but you're just what's there right now." So, Anna was like, "What the hell is going on? What are you seeing? How can you say something like that?" But was Anna able to leave? No, she was not able to leave because she's anxious. As a matter of fact, an anxious person dating an avoidant person is not being able to leave. Anxious people are very likely to stay in a relationship even though it's not fulfilling because it's like a torture. Okay? So, the person you are dating gives you closeness sometimes, and you feel like, "Oh, wow. Yeah, they're actually pretty nice." But then they do something again which is going to make you question what is going on with that person? Why did this person just do it? But you tend to ignore it because the person has good traits as well. So, if you're not able to leave that person, then tell that person, "If I tell you once again that I'm going to leave you, please just leave me because I know I'm not being able to leave you. Just leave me." That's the only way you can leave that relationship.
So, the easiest thing how you can heal your anxious attachment style is to date a secure person. Give secure people a chance. As an anxious person, you might be turned off by a secure person, someone also craving closeness because you're so used to the avoidant, um, pattern. You're turned off by a secure person. Give secure people a chance. Dating a secure person as an anxious person is the easiest way to heal your attachment style.
Second thing is, ask ChatGPT, "What would a secure person act right now? How would a secure person act right now in this situation?" Then you're going to act like a secure person, and eventually, you will become a secure person. So, this is what I did. Okay. So, I acted like a secure person, and I became a secure person. That was the easiest way for me. So, every day, something happened, any scenario, I asked ChatGPT, "This and this happened, how would a secure person act right now?" I did this every single day, and I became secure.
Another thing about an anxious person: as an anxious person, you have a sixth sense for danger. You have a sixth sense that makes you notice even the slightest change. This is an activated attachment system. This is called protest behavior. Once I understood that, I was able to heal my anxious side. So, many people that have an activated attachment system and protest behavior often times are ironically diagnosed with borderline, even though they don't have borderline. They just have an activated attachment system. Okay.
So, um, I have some things written here in my little book, and I'm going to tell you what it looks like. So, once you have an activated attachment system, even if there is the slightest danger that your relationship is somehow in danger, you're going to manipulate things in your partner, in relationships, to make that partner come back to you. So, either you might threaten to leave, even though you don't want to leave, or you're going to manipulate him. You're going to make him jealous, going to see your ex somehow, or doing anything to make him jealous. You're doing all of this just to make the relationship like it used to be before. That's called protest behavior. Protest behavior is nothing else but action that tries to reestablish the relationship like it used to be before.
So, as an anxious person, you have to heal your attachment system first. How are you going to do that? Well, regulate your nervous system. Every time you feel like something is threatening you, then take your hands and put it on your chest and breathe in and breathe out very long for longer than 3 seconds, three times. Also, as an anxious person, you have to acknowledge your needs. Do not suppress them. Acknowledge that you have a basic need for closeness.
You might ask yourself, "Why do I only attract avoidants then?" Well, actually, there is a simple reason for that. Secure people, when they get into a relationship, they are likely to stay in a relationship. Avoidants, however, somehow are usually always single because they tend to break up pretty easily. However, that doesn't mean you can't find a secure person. You will find a secure person, but because there's not only avoidants out there, but another reason is that you only see the avoidants because you don't even give secure people a chance. So, give secure people a chance. Once a secure person approaches you, give them a chance. And I know that you will be able to tell within seconds if this person is secure or avoidant. Give them a chance. You will see, once you try to date a secure person, your anxious attachment style is healed.
The last trick that I want to give you as an anxious person: go out and date, but not just one person. Date multiple people. Okay? I don't know how you want to date. I don't know how you want to get to know people. That's up to you. But date multiple people. You will notice the difference once you date multiple people. You will not feel abandoned and so heartbroken when it doesn't work out with one person. Okay? So, if this one person, let's say, it doesn't work out. This person is not for you. No problem because I have other people dating right now. And many people feel like, "No, but that's, that's just that doesn't work. Like, I'm not like that, and I'm going to feel so bad for it." Why are you feeling bad for it, honey? Why? It's normal. You don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe them commitment. You're just dating. You're not in a relationship. Also, I don't understand why dating multiple people is such a problem for many of you. It's not a problem. You're not in a relationship. You can, you can date multiple people. Do you understand?
Also, there's a girl, a YouTuber, she's called Mina. And Mina has a simple technique on how to get married within a short time. So, she says, "You are going out on dates, dating multiple people, and you will not commit to anyone, and eventually, someone will propose."
One more thing I want to mention: as a woman, doesn't matter anxious or avoidant, I suggest you to not sleep with any man unless he is your husband or you are 100% sure he will become your husband because one thing is true: once you sleep with a man, energy exchange happens. And if you don't know, it can change your DNA. Let's say you sleep with a man, but that man turns out to be not your dream match. Okay? But then you meet a dream man, and you're not able to bond with him. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. So, energy exchange and soul ties do exist. So, I suggest you, as a woman, also as a man, do not sleep with anyone unless this person is your husband or wife because, also, as a matter of fact, once you sleep with a man as a woman, you will bond to him automatically because there's oxytocin released once we sleep with a man, and that will make you bond to him and can make you even more anxious. And I know that many women claim, "No, it's women empowerment. I can sleep with anyone I want." But you will notice sooner or later that this empowerment is slowly destroying you. It will make you feel lifeless. Okay? It will make you feel like you can't bond with anyone anymore. And it will make you feel like trash. As simple as that. I know it sounds harsh, but give it a try. Go celibate. Okay? Give it a try, and you will notice the difference. Also, if you go celibate as a woman, you will very likely become more intuitive, and you will notice within seconds, is this man good for me or not? Okay. So, if I see a man right now, I don't even have to talk to him. I just have to look into his eyes. I know immediately within seconds, is this man a good match or not. And also, sleeping with the wrong person can make you depressed because of the energy exchange. I know women that have completely lost their glow, their spark, and everything. And when has it happened? The minute they slept with this one man.
All right, guys. Comment purple hearts if this video has helped you, like, generally helped you. And you can tell me below any ideas you want to see, any new videos you want to see, anything else. It can be anything that you want. Anything doesn't have to do anything with my channel. Write comment below what you want to see, and I'm going to do it for you.
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Goodbye. Okay. I love you.