Transcription
Chapter 15. How to orchestrate an orgy.
Until now, the topics we've covered have been more esoteric or emotional in nature. Now, we'll dive into the mechanics of actually making [ __ ] happen. If we're continuing with our classroom analogy, welcome to the advanced curriculum because now we're going to talk about how to successfully orchestrate an orgy. How do you do it? How do you secure enthusiastic participants? How do you set up a group scene?
As a disclaimer and as mentioned throughout this book so far, these anecdotes and helpful tips are based on my own flavor of polyamory centering heavily on strong relationships and levels of trust within polycles and community dynamics. For many other polyamorous individuals, play parties and orchestrating orgies won't resonate or be something that you're interested in, and that is totally okay. Your way of doing polyamory is totally valid. And if this chapter doesn't resonate, feel free to skip forward. For those curious or excited about the idea of either facilitating or participating in an orgy, let's dive in.
Set your stage. First, identify what your orgy scene will entail. The term orgy might feel edgy, charged, or even embarrassing at first blush. But the purpose of this conversation uh for the purpose of this conversation, we use it as a metaphor for collaborative, intentional, erotic play with three or more people. Not necessarily penetrative sex or even nudity, but co-created pleasure experiences. Again, I'll begin with William's phrase, low expectations, high possibilities. Setting expectations is important when orchestrating an orgy. Even when if they are not showing it, people you invite might be nervous, just like you. Take some time to think about what type of environment and scene you want to create and what sort of communication is needed with participants both ahead of time and during the event to alleviate nerves and ensure a positive and pleasurable experience for all.
[ __ ] overemphasis on penetration. Admittedly a sexual on the erotic blueprint, Ben only deems success in his romantic endeavors if it culminates in penetration of some variety. When he showed up to his first play party, Ben was committed to getting laid and he was convinced that he could effectively orchestrate an orgy. However, from the point of entry, he seemed anxious and awkward. And rather than engage with others and build relationships or flow with conversation, dance, eating snacks, etc. He found himself diving into RPDSMA conversations way before others were ready to engage in that way. if he could find a willing participant with whom to engage. His response for D for desires was basic and boring. He wanted to have sex. He lacked creativity, adventure, and a listening that was appropriate or desired by others. As the night wore on, Ben's anxiety grew, and when someone expressed interest in a sensual massage with him, he turned them down because it wasn't what Ben was there for, sex. Ben's focus on penetration created anxiety for himself and others and detracted from his enjoyment of others shared experiences. Ben was limited in his view of what success could look like and missed a lot of the fun part of the journey due to his narrow view on sexuality. Although Ben was highly sought after at the beginning of the night, he walked away alone and disappointed with no new relationship potential. Uh he somehow found a way to turn off everyone at the party and walked away deflated largely because he was too focused on penetration.
Exercise. Get off your agenda. Have some fun as you prepare for your orgy. Allow yourself to think of five or more experiences that are not penetrative sex that you could deem as a win for your scene. Ideas include a multipleway kiss, a large cuddle puddle, dancing to the DJ in a coordinated pod, sensual massage, rope tying for five, flogging for many, a sexy pre-approved photo shoot, conversation in a hot tub with others, walking away with new friends in a coffee date. Others are drawn to group experiences that are creative and are and or welcoming and non-threatening. If you are able to attach success with nonsexual acts, you are less likely to be disappointed.
Next, pick your players. You've entered the club, party, or scene. There has either been an opening circle where you've heard everyone speak or had it taken a tour of the space and gotten a lay of the land. You have met a handful of people and now want to engage.
Understanding orgy archetypes. There is an art to orchestrating orgies that I teach in workshops. I've orchestrated more than a hundred orgies at this point and often for people that I'm not engaging with directly. I.e. I produce but don't participate. The first step is to understand orgy archetypes, personality styles that contribute to a positive orgy experience.
First, the visionary. The visionary is the person who has the fun ideas. One of my ex-boyfriends was a prime example. He once suggested, "I'd like to bounce on an exercise ball while fingering two women and eating someone out at the same time." Pay attention to these ideas during the wildest, mildest conversations in group chats. They're golden opportunities for collaboration. The visionary is the dreamer and the planner of the orgy. Often a taboo or shape shifter on this on the erotic blueprint, the visionary loves setting scenes. This person often takes the lead in setting the tone and atmosphere, ensuring that everyone aligns with the group's desires. Visionaries are adept at creating safe spaces and fostering connections among participants. They often have a clear idea of what they want the experience to be, whether it's sensual, wild, or playful.
Next, the executor. The executor hears an idea and makes it happen. At a bonobos's event, a lover of mine envisioned a performance during a talent show called the [ __ ] smack, where nine hard [ __ ] were on stage like players on a sports team, and others came and smacked their [ __ ] to the Rocky theme song. I seized the microphone, organized the participants, and orchestrated a fluffing station to ensure that everyone was proud of their performance and that everything ran smoothly. In this instance, I was the executor. The executor is the doer, the one who takes charge of logistics and ensures that everything runs smoothly during the event. They are practical, reliable, and often take on roles such as organizing the space, music, lighting, comfort, managing supplies, condoms, lube, wipes, and ensuring that the consent and boundaries are respected. Executors often align with the taboo or sexual on the erotic blueprint, and they may enjoy the thrill of organizing and facilitating experience that push boundaries. Their focus on structure and consent is essential to creating a safe environment, allowing everyone to explore their desires freely.
Potential [ __ ] failure to launch. Pablo is a vision guy. He's hilarious, creative, and tends to be the life of the party. When coming to a play party or engaging in a sex positive environment, however, he has more ideas than anyone I have ever met for how to get the party started. However, he is a bit of an armchair coach. He likes to pontificate without inspiring action. He has literally gone to nearly nearly a decade without seeing any action arise from his creativity. Without a clear executor to put these ideas together, the energy can dissipate leading to missed opportunities for fun and engagement. As a pro tip, I recommend finding a visionary and an executor and ensuring that they are able to come together early on at a party or even in advance. Without each other, they won't accomplish much, but together they are unstoppable.
Next, the pillow princess or prince. Pillow royalty is an archetype that embodies the essence of sensuality, relaxation, intimacy, and comfort. As sensual or energetic on the ironic blueprint, the individual or group of individuals often takes a more passive role during during the orgy, providing a cozy space for others to engage while simultaneously enjoying the pleasure of connection on their own terms. They may be seen lounging or cuddling, inviting others to join them in a more intimate, laid-back manner, or choose to be the center of attention in the scene. This individual does not want to do much organizing. They want to be the center of attention and take direction. They play a critical role in any orgy, embodying the energy and focus of the scene.
Next, the supporter. Supporters are the glue that holds the group together. They are attentive, nurturing, and often act as mediators during this experience. often sensual or energetic on the erotic blueprint. Supporters ensure that everyone feels included and cared for, checking in with participants and helping to maintain a positive atmosphere. The supporter is also there to help. They may collect people, gather supplies, or clean up the space. They play an essential role in keeping the vibe flowing.
And finally, the voyer. The voyer simply wants to watch. They are often underappreciated but they serve a vital purpose by providing an audience for those who are performing. Voyers thrive on the observation um and often find pleasure in witnessing the experiences of others rather than being directly involved. They enjoy the exchange of energy and intimacy that occurs during an orgy deriving satisfaction from the dynamics and interactions they observe. Voyers often resonate with energetic on the erotic blueprint as they are sensitive to the energy in the room and enjoy the buildup of anticipation. Their enjoyment comes from the energetic exchange of watching others connect, express themselves, and explore their desires. Voyers can enhance the experience by providing a safe space for others to be uninhibited as their presence often encourages exhibitionists to express themselves more freely.
Next, assign roles. As the orgy orchestrator, your primary task is to identify and gather these archetypes. You can do this through chat engagement or by by observing during the opening circle. Visionaries and executors will typically be the most vocal and proactive. If you if you aren't either I could archetype, it is a good idea to find one and ask them to collaborate. They are typically easy to identify as they are often the outspoken and charismatic attendees.
[ __ ] When a plan doesn't come together, Izzy came to a festival with a vision to orchestrate an orgy for a friend and one of the lead DJs at the event. She thought it would be easy to find willing participants, and it was. However, everyone who knew this DJ and wanted to play was either a voyer or pillow royalty. Izzy found herself working for four solid hours to try to orchestrate the group by guiding them on what to say, getting them into some sort of movement, and ultimately seeing the scene through to completion. The scene was sloppy. Izzy was exhausted, and no one appreciated what had just been curated for them, including the DJ. They had fun, but the scene wasn't intentional or particularly me memorable. Failing to recognize and reassign roles can leave the scene disorganized and chaotic, leading to missed opportunities for connection and pleasure, or worse, poorly communicated boundaries and consent violations. Let someone know what archetype you see them playing in the scene and ensure that they consent.
Opening lines. Once you've gathered your group, it's important to go through an abbreviated RBD SMMA and have a mini session on wildest and mildest. This creates clarity about what everyone is open to exploring.
Potential [ __ ] skipping consent discussions. Jim and Laura had conspired to organize an orgy scene to honor a friend for her birthday. They didn't know the birthday girl's close circle very well, but wanted to ensure that her besties were involved. This was a heavy substance-consuming crowd, and they were highly altered by the time the scene was to begin. This added to an already chaotic beginning to the scene as new people were constantly being added haphazardly and the group was growing and dropping in attendance over the course of an hour. With all of this moving through the space, Jim and Laura were not as diligent with forming an opening circle as they otherwise would be and didn't give a comprehensive consent talk prior to play. 2 hours later, after three new people joined the scene, Lara learned that the female in this late joining group was highly altered and not in a position to give consent. They became overwhelmed and had to be supported away from the scene. Jim and Laura spent the remainder of the evening cleaning up what was likely a traumatic experience for this person. Not addressing consent or boundaries can lead to uncomfortable situations or worse, trauma. Ensure everyone feels safe and respected. As the orchestrator of the orgy, it is your responsibility to lead the consent conversation and to ensure that consent is being discussed throughout the experience.
Getting into the act. Now that your group has formed and engaged in the pre preparation and creation of the scene, it's time to jump into action. The executor is clutch here as they are usually the one to get people into their places to begin. Once the scene begins, however, the visionary and executor get to step back and allow the group to flow organically all while while ensuring that consent is present throughout and keeping an eye on all attendees to support in case someone gets triggered. Pro tip, once the scene has begun, assign someone as the bouncer. Um, or find a way to close a door to put up or put up a rope uh to deter newcomers. The fastest way to end a scene is by adding one person that shifts your group's energy. As tempted as you may be to add that sexy new co-ed, hold it for the next future scene.
Closing remarks. One of the best ways to create something memorable is to give participants a voice at the close of the scene. This can be as simple as forming a cuddle puddle and asking each person for their highlights and low lightss, or as elaborate as organizing a call for later in the week to come back together to debrief. Take your lead or vibe from the group. Either way, close your scene intentionally, allowing your group to feel complete with their experience, voice any concerns, and feel supported by your group. Organizing orgies is one of the greatest gifts I have learned over the years since I've been Polly. It is a form of art bringing bodies together to express in new collaborative and creative ways. This act however does hold great responsibility and should not be taken lightly.