How to Love an Avoidant Woman | Adam Lane Smith

Guys, have you ever met the type of woman who keeps a strong wall between herself and other people? The kind of woman that common dating advice backfired on you big time when you tried to use it because she felt the opposite of how women are supposed to feel?

Maybe you've had a woman in your life who misses the deeper connections in your relationships that everybody knows is so important, but she didn't even want to go deeper with you? Maybe she even had an aversion to being open, to being seen, to feeling close? If so, this is a specific type of connecting to other people. It keeps you safe, and it clicks on in childhood. It's a survival mechanism, but it robs you of the fulfillment in your relationships that she could be enjoying, and that you could enjoy with her. She's only getting about 20% of the joy out of her relationships that's available to her.

I'm Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist. I've worked for years with individuals who have avoidant attachment, and especially with women. Fascinatingly, the research shows that the vast majority of people with avoidant attachment are men, but there are so many avoidant women out there who go completely unseen, who have never heard about avoidant attachment, and never get advice that works for them. And there's a tremendous number of men who come flooding into my coaching and into my DMs and emails begging for information on these women that nothing else seems to work with, because they don't want what other women seem to want.

This video here is actually a follow-up to my "How to Love an Avoidant Man" miniseries, because the number one most requested video in those comments, both by avoidant women and men who love them, was, "What about women?" I'm here to teach you that today. Today, I'm going to show you how avoidant attachment works specifically in women, and how to give them genuine love without smothering them and without scaring them away. We're also going to cover the avoidant woman's sex drive, because it's very unique from how the average woman works. And all the other information on the internet is going to get you the opposite results if you try to approach her the way that everybody else claims women want. This means that your approach is going to have to change completely from what contemporary advice has told you. I'm going to tell you what to really do.

And if you are an avoidantly attached woman yourself who happens to be watching this, and I, and I know that happens too, this video should give you the vocabulary and the tools that you need to articulate your needs to a partner so that you can build more fulfilling relationships where you get to relax and feel safe.

Okay, so let's get right into this. So, for the sake of new viewers here, what is avoidant attachment style? Avoidant attachment style is a survival mechanism that clicks on in childhood when you have very low oxytocin. This is the bonding hormone that makes you feel loved and connected with other people. Now, avoidant attachment is the belief that nobody else is ever going to be fair with you. Maybe your parents were yelling and screaming at each other all the time? Maybe you didn't have parents? Maybe you felt disconnected from other people? Maybe other people were mean to you? Maybe you just never got that connection with others that made you feel loved. Instead of going inward and blaming yourself like anxious attachment style does, you looked outward and said, "Okay, it's something off with other people. Maybe they get stressed out, maybe they abandon their morals, maybe they're just really ignorant, but there's something untrustworthy in other people. I'm going to keep a wall between me and them."

A lot of the avoidant women that I end up working with, Dad was really inconsistent with his love. Maybe Mom had a personality disorder. Right? Somebody hurt them. Something went wrong where they didn't receive love, and they blamed not themselves, but maybe stress and other people, how they relate to stress. But they believe no one would ever be fair with them, that sharing their needs gets them hurt or laughed at or yelled at. They learned that being yelled at is a pretty common thing. So they've learned to just minimize connection with other people, keep everything simple, keep everything isolated, keep everything inside, never open up, and keep that wall right there. They're not not evil women. They're not hurtful women. They're not awful women. They're not cold ice princesses, as as some people will call them. They have feelings and needs, but they don't believe anyone will ever care. This protects them from getting hurt because they never open up to anybody. But unfortunately, it starves them of everything that would give them joy and fulfillment in their life.

Biochemically, here's what's going on. Is oxytocin is almost zero. Oxytocin is a massive, massively important bonding hormone that makes you feel safe and loved and connected with other people. It's also really high for the average woman's sex drive. Very important that you have oxytocin. But most women with avoidant attachment, excessively low oxytocin releases GABA. GABA, gamma-aminobutyric acid. What GABA does is helps suppress cortisol and stress in your system. So a lot of women with avoidant attachment, they often have chronic pain with GA with low GABA, high levels of cortisol, high levels of stress, high levels of of other medical issues, autoimmune issues can come up from this, just very low sex drive as well.

The next hormone is vasopressin. When you solve stress together, you're supposed to get vasopressin. Now, a lot of women with avoidant attachment style, their oxytocin receptors are dormant because they don't get much oxytocin. So those oxytocin receptors actually shift to accept vasopressin. This is fascinating research from Dr. Sue Carter in her paper, "The Oxytocin-Vasopressin Pathways in Love and Fear." This research shows that oxytocin receptors can shift to vasopressin receptors. But a lot of women with avoidant attachment style don't solve problems with other people either, so they don't get much vasopressin. And they often don't get much serotonin through relationships, through communication, through openness, through care, through nurturing. So their serotonin will be very low. In fact, most of these avoidantly attached women will feel very mechanical, very close to depression, very high levels of stress, and they're constantly trying to manage that stress, usually through dopamine. That can be porn or masturbation. It can also be sugar. It can be donuts. It can be activities that give you dopamine and pleasure, retail therapy, spending money, all kinds of dopamine activities that feel good because their brain looks like this. This is the avoidant brain: high levels of dopamine that you're plunging into all the time because you have very little of anything else.

Now, that's what avoidant attachment does. That's where it comes from. What does it mean in your relationships? Well, if she never opened and connected with other people, then she can never get her needs met. She can never share her needs or her desires. Women typically bond also through sharing, through talking, through conversing, through commiserating, through feeling accepted. And she probably will never really do that. A lot of women with avoidant attachment style have a very hard time connecting, especially to other women. They only really connect to other men. They'll have a bunch of male friends, and then that feels awkward for them. So they just kind of feel lonely. They don't really connect hardly to anybody. They'll be very lonely in a lot of their life.

Now, their sex drive, fascinating. The female sex drive typically runs on what I call the oxytocin pipeline. Your emotional intimacy goes up, which boosts that oxytocin. Then your non-physical, non-sexual physical activity goes up: hugging, holding hands, connecting, bonding, snuggling. So that goes up, which boosts your oxytocin. And then that pumps you into sexual desire, which then leads to non-intercourse sexual physical contact, more foreplay, kissing, making out, groping, things like that, which boosts the oxytocin higher, which then gets into intercourse and boosts the oxytocin higher, which then gets into orgasm and boosts the oxytocin higher, which then gets into multiple orgasms, which boosts the oxytocin higher, and then leads into the next cycle of sexual connection. That's how the average woman's sex drive works.

But when you have avoidant attachment style, again, dopamine. Now, the novelty of sex with a new partner can really hit in the first six to seven months, but then it starts to tap off. So a lot of women with avoidant attachment style, they have a high sex drive in the first six months, maybe to a year, but then it starts to typically taper off. And then her sex drive typically focuses on maintaining your happiness, maintaining you, becomes very functional, or getting validation for herself. Or once in a while, once a month, her hormones go up and she gets a little bit randy, and then you have an experience once a month. A lot of couples at eight years of of marriage, it's once a month sex, and it's only when she wants it. And it's avoiding intimacy, so she faces away.

If you are watching this video and it seems like it would be easier to have somebody guide you through this, a mentor to show you exactly what to do step by step in applying everything you're learning here, you need to join the Attachment Circle mentorship program. I will work with you personally for an entire year in 100-plus group calls. Plus, you're going to get the support of a growth-minded community of other individuals who will be companions on your journey, people you can trust, people you can work with, and people you can practice these skills with. If you want to join us, join the Attachment Circle mentorship program. There's a link below in the description. I'll see you in there.

I had one couple come in, actually many couples come in, but I'll talk about one in particular. I had one couple come in where she had avoidant attachment style, and he was a little bit more anxious, mostly secure. But they could only have sex facing away. Because she actually had what's called an oxytocin aversion. Kissing felt too much to her. The face-to-face stimulation during sex, way too much. They could only have sex facing away, and only about once a month. He loved kissing, he craved that connection, but she disliked it, and she didn't get what he was doing, and she just wanted it quick and over with so that he could get what he needed. Wham, bam, out the door. But it started to dismantle their relationship from a lack of intimacy. She wouldn't share her needs with him. She was very closed off. He did describe her as an ice princess. When I talked with her, she had needs and desires on the inside. She wasn't cold at all, but to him, she looked that way. And she had no idea what he wanted from her. This was a complete mystery to her. By the way, she had no idea why he was making a fuss about emotions and connection and bonding. "Look, I'm giving you sex once a month. Like, what do you need? Once a week? Like a quickie once a week? What do you need? Just tell me. I'll just do it." And that's not what he wanted at all. He wanted more authentic connection with her. He actually started avoiding sex with her, and she didn't get it. She thought that meant that maybe he was having an affair.

A lot of avoidant women also pull in different kinds of men. They pull in anxious men who are more approval-seeking, who are smothering, overwhelmingly. A lot of avoidant men who crave approval, but it feels safe because she can keep him right there. She can predict his needs. She can keep him right there. He won't come in too hard. He won't ask too many questions. He'll just be right there, endlessly craving approval. Some avoidant women pull in very avoidant men who are more avoidant than they are, and they saturate her with bonding that confuses her. But then they sort of, they might manipulate her. I've seen that plenty of times. Once in a while, I've also seen avoidant women pull in more secure men who are confused because they just think that she's very calm and logical. But in fact, she's very avoidant. Over time, they get really frustrated, and she doesn't get what's going on or why she feels frustrated too. A lot of couples with an avoidant woman are frustrated on both sides, and they have no idea what to do to fix it. And she doesn't like feeling poked and prodded and told that something's wrong with her. But a lot of men who are paired with avoidant women feel very alone, very unloved, very confused about why she's holding back on bonding, right? It's counterintuitive to everything that we say a woman is supposed to want.

Now, this is not about her being a bad person. It's not about her holding out on her partner. It's not a conscious choice. Avoidant women are not evil. They really have no idea that more is available to them. They don't know that it's ever safe to open up. They don't know what it's even like to open up and receive love and acceptance.

Now, if you happen to be an avoidant woman who's watching this, maybe you're alone, maybe you're with a partner, I don't know. But here's a snapshot of how good relationships can look. I had one avoidant female client who came in. She had very, very low sex drive, facing away, no kissing, husband felt unloved. They were headed for divorce. She had no idea why. She had very low connection with her children. She loved them, but didn't have much of a connection with them. She also didn't have very many friends. I taught her number one conflict resolution skills so that she could lean into conflict and difficult conversations without feeling like she had to fight tooth and nail to survive and harm the other person who just wanted to resolve the issue. But also how to communicate her needs, how to articulate those needs, how to articulate her need for space, how to articulate when she felt too stimulated, how to articulate that, "Yes, kissing felt good, but too much of it was kind of scary. So ease in and out of it a bit." How to articulate that same thing in the bedroom, right? "This is a little too stimulating for me right now. Can we slow down? Is that okay?" How to share about her day, how to share her problems, what her want. Husband wanted from her. Most avoidant women are stunned to hear that anybody else wants to hear them complain about their day. I taught her how to state her needs, how to negotiate for those needs, and I taught her what her husband wanted from her. She was so blown away, she almost didn't believe me. She actually didn't believe me when I taught her what her husband wanted from her. But then she went and tried it. She opened up. He became so much warmer to her and so considerate of her needs, and he was so happy, happy that she opened up to him. She was shocked. I remember her coming in the next session and crying because she said, "I've never had anybody be fair with me before. I didn't think anybody ever would." She was able to ask for space when she needed it. She was able to get the love and intimacy, and her brain chemistry completed and and grew and improved. She was happy. Her depression went away. She actually smiled a lot more in her life. She actually woke up looking forward to her day. Her children started connecting with her more. They wanted to spend time with her. She enjoyed her time with her husband. Life wasn't an endless series of tasks. It was things that she could look forward to. What was really cool was seeing her oxytocin levels go up and up and up, and then her sex drive going way up, and then enjoying face-to-face intercourse with her husband, and then enjoying the kissing and enjoying the snuggling. She started to look forward to their evening talks. She became more affectionate with everyone in her life. Everybody noticed it. Okay, there were no manipulative tactics. There was no tactical thinking. She could talk straight to her partner about issues and find resolution with him. It was amazing for her. What was really cool? She took these tasks and these skills wider and had trusted friends in her life finally that she could talk to people who loved her openness. It was so funny because she went to them and said, "Hey guys, I need to tell you, um, I'm working on this thing where I'm really closed off to other people and I, I kind of just tell people what they want to hear, but I don't really feel open to people and I don't share my needs." And they're like, "Yeah, we know. Is this news to you?" And she had to laugh at herself that she thought she had kept it so secret all these years. But it was great watching her open up. Life became easier for both of them. Okay, it also became more fun, more passionate. All her energy that was put into maintaining her walls instead got put into finding ways to be happier in her days, and her partner, he loved it. It wasn't just fulfilling and more sex and more openness, but it was watching his wife thrive in her life.

This is a process, okay? It doesn't happen all at once. And the avoidant person, the avoidant woman's usually very skeptical at first. That's okay. No one's ever been fair with her before. And this right here, this is not a video forcing anyone to change. So if you're watching this with your partner and you're feeling pressured to change immediately, that's not what this is about, okay? This video is "How to Love an Avoidant Woman." So here are some things, guys out there watching this, that you can do right now for the avoidant woman in your life to show her the kind of love that can encourage her to open up.

Number one: Fairness is everything, okay? Apply this in conversation. Start using the word "fair" everywhere, and not against her. Start asking her, "Does our relationship feel fully fair to you? I want a loving, fulfilling relationship where both of us feel happy together, and I know that fairness is at the heart of that. So, can I ask you, do you feel our relationship is fair to you? Is there anywhere where our relationship doesn't really feel fair to you right now? And if so, how can we adjust that? I want things to be fair to you. So I appreciate this thing you did for me. I really want to be fair in return. How can I repay that love? Hey, how can we be fair to you? I have these sexual needs. I would like it, you know, twice a week. How can we do that in a way that's also fair to you?" Bring fairness into everything and into practice. Be fair with her.

Number one, if you are watching this video and it seems like it would be easier to have somebody guide you through this, a mentor to show you exactly what to do step by step and applying everything you're learning here, you need to join the Attachment Circle mentorship program. I will work with you personally for an entire year in 100-plus group calls. Plus, you're going to get the support of a growth-minded community of other individuals who will be companions on your journey, people you can trust, people you can work with, and people you can practice these skills with. If you want to join us, join the Attachment Circle mentorship program. There's a link below in the description. I'll see you in there.

Number two: Share your expectations clearly. One of the biggest things with avoidant people is they're afraid of the unmet and unsaid, unspoken expectations that you're holding back, and that's what makes them afraid to accept kindness. Explain your expectations. "Hey, just a heads up, this is what I need in our relationship. I'm just going to tell you clearly, measurably, this is what I need to feel loved, okay? I would love to hear from you in return, what makes you feel loved? And again, so that we're fair for each other, I want to be fair. These are my expectations. What are your expectations? Let's talk about those." They probably align in a number of places, but let's have everything on the table.

Number three: Recognize the knowledge gaps that exist. Right? Avoidant women aren't avoidant because they want to be. They're avoidant because they don't know that real love and connection and care exists. So share things that she might not know. Talk with her about feelings, openness. Don't just say, "I want you to be open to me." What does that look like? What's the measurable piece? Why, why is it important? Help her understand. This video could be helpful for that, right? I made this video to help. Watch it together and discuss what feels confusing in this video. Maybe she needs to share with you about what feels is confusing. Maybe she thinks this is crazy. That's okay. Remember that oxytocin pathway, okay? Her sex drive right now is likely to be very different from most women until that oxytocin flow is improved. You will see a lot of changes, okay? Facing away, no kissing, getting dressed right after sex, all of this very common for avoidant women. Do not take it personally, okay? But you can ask for more. Explain why you need more. Explain what more looks like. Explain that it doesn't have to be all at once, on demand. Explain that you can build this with her, and that you want her to enjoy it, and explain why it should be enjoyable. Watch this again. Watch this video with her. Really common, okay?

And the last thing is, remember that she can change, okay? This is not about forcing her to change. It's about encouraging her through love to trust you and experience that fulfillment together. Sometimes you might need a push. Sometimes you might have to state your expectations. Sometimes you might have to share some frustration. But encouraging that change through genuine love and fairness and kindness, that's what's going to surprise her. Remember my female client who went from closed off to warm and passionate? That change is possible, okay? With the right skills and experiences, with patience, and with love. This is a tough process, okay? And I understand that. So you don't have to do it alone. If you need help, I am a professional. I'm happy to help. I can guide you through this process as a couple or individually, quickly and efficiently, right? I am here to assist if you need it. So please don't feel like you have to do this all alone. There are ways to make this easier.

I want to wrap up by saying this: Avoidant women have been demonized for a long time. We don't talk about them much at all, but when we do, we call them awful things. Awful things. It's terrible to see how they're demonized, which is so sad because they really are just women who need more love than anybody else does because they've never experienced it. But they're also terrified of that love. Love is scary for them because it's only been weaponized against them. It's not real love. It's demands and expectations and then hurt. These women need more love than anybody else on the planet does. Fairness and consistency are the two things that they need from you more than anything else as their partner, okay? Direct conversations are everything in this communication, not wiggling around, trying to hint, trying to no. Clear and direct while being fair and consistent, so they know what to do and they have those choices. Building trust with them, okay? It takes time. It takes patience. To to do this, to love an avoidant woman takes patience. It takes building oxytocin as well, sometimes while they're afraid and working with them when they're scared and telling them that it's okay that they're scared, and then asking them what they want to do about that and going that next step. Guys, it is so worth it. Oh, it is so worth it to see avoidant women go from completely petrified in love where they have a freeze response to having them come in and look me in the eye through the camera and say, "Adam, I am so happy with my husband. Thank you so much for teaching me how to receive love. He is giving me more love than I ever imagined a human being could. Thank you." That means everything. You guys, it is so worth it to see couples so happy and to see avoidant women so fulfilled and their husbands so joyous, okay? Your relationships can be fulfilling and trusting and safe, and this is right at your fingertips with the right partner. And keep in mind, I am here to help. I am Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist.

Now, I recommend that you go back and watch my "How to Love an Avoidant Man" miniseries for more detailed bits of information on how not to scare avoidant women away during this process. A lot of that from those videos will apply here. This video is the extra bonus on top just for the women. So watch that series together, have some discussions, contact me when you need help. I'll be in those videos. See you soon.