Transcription
Well, welcome to another Friday night. We're doing a little series around fawning, which is often referred to as the fourth F in the four Fs of responding to danger. So, fight, flight, freeze, and then fawn. And it's the most prevalent, I believe, amongst people with complex trauma, but it's the least recognized or understood. And many people with complex trauma wouldn't see themselves as fawners when they really are. They just haven't realized it yet, and it operates out of their subconscious. And so that's partly why I wanted to do this series is to just do a deeper dive into exploring it. And today, I want to look at how some people take sex and it has become one of their tools in their fawning toolkit. Many don't even realize it because there's a part of them that enjoys sex and wants sex. They don't see how there's also where they've crossed a line, and sex is a huge tool in fawning. It's something that is very important to them in fawning and surviving. And I want to explore that with you.
But I want to say upfront that I realize that this talk may trigger some. And so, if it does, feel free just to stop watching, um, until you're able to watch it with somebody or process it with somebody. Many early on in their complex trauma life as a child were sexually abused. And what they realized was that sex became a way of surviving. That if they were not going to get hurt, if they were going to get some needs met, they had to give sex. They had to go along with the sexual abuse. They had not to not to say anything. It became a necessary thing to survive from even worse abuse. And so now, for me to talk about it could bring back some painful memories. And so I just want to acknowledge that upfront. So let's begin by really trying to understand sex and fawning.
So when I started in this field 22 years ago, we had the four Fs of responding to trauma back then, but they weren't the same four Fs that we use today. So they were fight, flight, freeze, and f---. And the reason we use the fourth F is because at that point, kind of fawning hadn't, the term hadn't been coined. But what people realized is that there's a response of a child that when they're in danger, they immediately want to run to mom or dad to get hugged, to get caressed, to get held, to get soothed, to be told very comforting things. They want an environment of tenderness, of compassion, of empathy, of warmth. That's what the oxytocin in the child that is released at times of danger sends them to is to run to mom and dad and to get all of those very tender, caring, protective instincts in mom and dad taking over to make them know they're safe and to keep them safe. What that oxytocin does for some, though, is they go to a person looking for all of that. Now, in adult life or in their teen years, and it ends up being sex. And then what begins to happen in the person is now the way to get tenderness and warmth and soothing and compassion is through sex. So if I'm in danger, I will run to get sex or the fourth F. And by getting sex, now I get all of these other emotional needs met, all of the tenderness, all of the compassion and warmth and soothing. And so sex becomes the doorway to get all of the other needs met. And so in an adult today, what can happen for many people is as soon as they feel danger or their stress system is activated, so they get a bit more stress in their life, their brain goes to oxytocin. I need sex. Doesn't go immediately to I need warmth, soothing, tenderness, compassion. It goes, I need sex because that'll get me the other things. And so sex becomes the fourth F. It's the pathway to getting all their other needs met.
So another way to say all of that is fawners are seeking security through sex. They're seeking getting their emotional needs met through sex. They're seeking connection with somebody who's their rock through sex. So, they are looking to get all their key needs met, their key emotional needs met. And the only pathway to them is through sex. So, let me expand on that just a wee bit further. We talk over and over again that one of the most powerful needs within a child is connection. That they come into the world and if I don't connect, I'll die. So, I need to connect. They're driven to connect. But in complex trauma, they can't connect. Mom's too busy. Mom's too angry. Dad's off at work all the time, whatever. So, how do you connect? And so, what some children realize early is when I have sex, when there's, I'm sexually abused, even I feel connection. I feel for the first time safe. I feel accepted. I feel loved. I feel valued. I feel cherished. And so my connection need can only be met through giving sex. That becomes part of the math that is building up in their brain. So stop and think about that math. It's bad math. But to the child of complex trauma where sex was part of their upbringing, it looks like really good math because to them, how do I get connection? Love, tenderness, safety, respect, validation, acceptance. I get it through sex. That is the pathway. So sex is used to secure all of the emotional needs, and that's seen as the only way to get those needs met. It is so sad, but to the child growing up in that, it seems so accurate.
So let me take it a little bit further, and it's some more bad math that begins to happen. So what we've seen with fawning and complex trauma is the child develops this core shame belief that the reason I'm being abused and the reason I'm being neglected, the reason I have to fawn to survive is because I am not lovable. I'm not good enough. I got to earn it somehow. Fawning is my ticket to getting love. And so that shame core belief takes over and drives everything at a subconscious level as they come into adult life in their teen years, especially, begin to go, okay, what might give me value? What might cause people to respect me? And what happens for some kids is they begin to go, oh, I got a good body. I get lots of validation for my body. I'm really pretty. Oh, I, I'm good in bed. Men want to have sex with me. Women want to have sex with me. And so now the solution to my shame is sex. If I can just give good sex and be really pretty all the time and have a wonderful body, then everybody gives me positive validation. That seems to solve my shame. So the solution to shame is beauty and sex. Problem with that is as they get older, they start gaining weight. They start losing their, their beauty as they age, or they get in an accident and it mars their body, and all of a sudden they have a crisis because who wants me now? I have no value now. So it deepens their shame even more.
I need to take it even further for some people. What some people realize, and we talked about this in the first video, is that fawning is a child who feels totally helpless trying to gain some power. Power to get their needs met, power to get noticed, power to be seen. And so, it's an attempt to gain some power. And so, what many find is that once they find sex, they go, "Wow, that gives me some power because now people notice me. Now people do what I want. Now people will say nice things to me. Now people will run and even give me money and and drive me around and lend me stuff just because they want sex with me or because I'm so pretty." So sex now gives me power. And so sex just isn't a way to get my deep emotional needs met. Sex now has this extra benefit that it gives me power to stay safe and to get my needs met. And part of that power for many people is if they're with somebody who's abusive and that person's starting to get angry and they go, "If they keep getting angry, I'm going to get hurt. I'm going to get abused. I'll give them sex. That will diffuse their anger and keep me safe." So sex becomes a means to power. So sex becomes a form of currency. It's a way to pee, to please. It's a way to gain power, to get what you want, to get your needs met, to stay safe. That's why many people who use sex as part of their fawning begin to try to perfect their sexual skills. They want to find this great ability and and a sweet spot as part of this where they can flirt. They can gain power. They can get attention. They can get people wanting them and validating them, but they don't want to go to sex. So, they want to flirt, but find a line that they can walk where they get lots of attention, but they don't have to give into sex. So, some they go that way. Others go, "Okay, I, I, I'll go and I'll flirt and do all of that and get a lot of attention. I don't want intercourse, but I'll give them oral sex. That'll be where I'll draw, draw the line." Others, they'll go, "You know what? I'll just give them whatever they want. That's the best way to fawn, but I'll dissociate during sex. I, I won't even be connected to my body. I won't be emotionally engaged with the person. Oh, I'll act like I am. I'll act like I'm very present to my body, but I will be disconnected. I'm just performing while I'm doing all of this." And so fawning requires a person to get good at sex, but also to try to find a sweet spot that's suitable to them where they get validation, but then don't experience all of the emotions and stuff of being fully engaged.
So, I suspect that some people listening to this are going to go, "I don't think you're describing me. I, I really just enjoy sex. I don't think I fawn. I don't think I use it as fawning." And that might be true. But let me just give you a little test just to see if maybe there is some fawning in your whole sexual experience. So sexual fawning. Going to give you a whole list of things that could be included under sexual fawning. Number one, faking orgasms. You want your partner to think that you are really pleased with the sexual experience. Or some people, they fake not having an orgasm even though they've had one because they want to make it look like they're just focused on their partner and giving them pleasure and they don't want to distract from that at all. Third one, you give sex in order to get love. You give sex in order to get tenderness and acceptance and validation. So sex is a commodity that you have to pay in order to get these other emotional needs. Or you use sex to manipulate people. Or you believe that if you don't give sex early in the dating experience, then the other person will lose interest and not want to pursue the relationship. So, the only way to attract and keep a person interested in you is you got to give them sex. Or you think that sex is the way to fix conflict. So, you have makeup sex. That's going to get everybody feeling good again and get past the argument. Or, it's the way to help an angry partner stop being so angry. Just get them sex and that'll calm them down. Or it's thinking that someone will be attracted to you more if you give them sex than if you don't. So you're saying that sex is the ultimate way to attract people. It's not the authentic me. If they see the authentic me, they're not going to be interested in a relationship with me. So I got to give them sex to attract them. So another way of saying that is if deep down you believe that your greatest value is not your inherent authentic self. Who would be attracted to that? Who would want a relationship with that? No. Your greatest value comes from externals. It comes from your looks. It comes from your performance. It comes from your body. It comes from giving sex. That is behind sexual fawning. Then if you initiate sex because you want to smooth over an argument or you sense there's some emotional distance growing with your partner or you see that your partner is stressed and getting angry or depressed, you're going to use sex as a way to fix your partner's emotions. Then if you prioritize your partner's pleasure over your own and you minimize your own and you do stuff just to please them but ignore what your body is telling you and wanting. Or you perform sexually and you do stuff even though there's an internal resistance that you're not listening to because you are performing to please somebody else and not listening to yourself or you over function sexually in relationships when emotional needs aren't being met. So there's not communication, there's not warmth, there's not empathy, there's all of those things missing. So you just overperform sexually to try to make up for all of those emotional needs that aren't being met. You use sex to feel temporarily chosen or secure. So, if you're starting to feel your own shame and you're starting to feel not so good about yourself, then let's have sex because then I feel chosen and special again. You say yes to sex to avoid disappointing the other person, to avoid conflict, to avoid the other person withdrawing emotionally because they didn't get what they want, to avoid being seen as difficult or selfish. You agree and say yes without first checking in to see if that's really what you want. You feel numb or frozen or dissociated during sex because you're just going along with it. Or you have resentments afterwards because you gave but you just are upset about it. You're a bit angry because your needs weren't met and you have difficulty tolerating a partner's disappointment in you in some way and your immediate go-to is to try to fix it with sex.
So, I don't know how you did, but what I hope you see is this. Over the years, I have seen that part of complex trauma and understanding complex trauma is that sexuality and sex stuff, healthy unhealthy flows all through it. It, it just becomes a huge part of complex trauma and it's also a huge part of fawning. But the solution to it, if you realize, "Wow, I use sex as a way to fawn." It's not just to stop. It's not like you're going to flip a switch. It goes much deeper than that. I hope you realize there's this shame element deep down that says, "I'm not good enough on my own. I have to use sex to get my needs met. I have to use sex to gain power." And so, it's shame that's the real issue. And so, again, we're going to get into this in more detail when we get to unfawning. But I just want to remind you again that the path to beginning to heal and change out of the fawning behaviors is healing the shame stuff. So again, hopefully that was helpful. If it was, like, subscribe, share, comment. We really appreciate it. Thank you. Have a great day.