Transcription
I've seen it written that being married is like chaining yourself to a bear and then kicking it. I think that is perfect, perfect, just as it's written. So today I want to talk about why you should never chain yourself to a bear, and certainly you should never kick it. But also, I want to talk about how guys end up chained to bears—like, how, like we're not dummies, how does this happen? Because it's insidious, and we will talk about how it happens and how to avoid it.
When you first meet your bear, you think you've got a teddy bear because it's cute and it's fuzzy, and it likes to cuddle, and oh, it's just so sweet, and oh, it just gives you that sweet, sweet honey all the time. There is nothing like having a teddy bear; you want to cuddle with it in your bed all day and all night. It just brings you warm fuzzies on the inside, too. The thing is that teddy bear slowly but surely turns into a grizzly bear, and not one of the nice grizzly bears, but like the kind that wants to rip your spleen out. Do you know what I mean? That's the kind of grizzly bear you're going to get. It's like they want to mark their territory, and that marking begins from the very first moment. You'll find them leaving things around your house, and I'm not sure if that's just so they can come back and get it later, or if that's sort of a way of them sort of saying, "This is my, my property." So that if any other women happen to walk into that space and find their thing, like their cute little hat hanging on your hook, or their—they left their coat behind, or, um, you know, something along those lines, you're going to find that, uh, um, they're just claiming your territory, your property. They're going to start acting like it's theirs, and the more stuff they leave there, the more it's going to become their stuff; that your house is going to become theirs. The key element here is you got to make sure that you don't give them a key, because a bear with a key pretty much owns your house just from the very beginning. So teddy bears turn into grizzly bears; that's sort of the first lesson that you need to understand.
So before anybody gets all judgy and hypocritical in the comments, let me just point out that the greatest militaries and Security Services Through Time have specifically used women to seduce men and to get them to betray their most highly held or tightly held values, their patriotism, their love of country, hell, even their families. So yeah, we're all vulnerable. So either you've done this, you're about to do it, or at least you're thinking about it, and that is tying yourself to a bear in some way, shape, or form. Now it doesn't even have to, to be marriage, you know, um, just having a woman move in with you can definitely be like tying, chaining yourself to that bear, and it is very insidious. You know, it starts off with those tingly little feelings you get inside you, thinking, "Oh, I'm going to get lucky." You get lucky a few times; suddenly now you feel like you've got to, uh, compromise here and there in order to keep that steady flow of that sweet, sweet stuff coming to you. Then, uh, next thing you know, she's starting to set you up in her frame, and you're no longer in your own; you're no longer setting the agenda; she's starting to set the agenda. One morning you wake up, and her toothbrush is in your toothbrush holder, and there's a drawer with her panties in it, and maybe in the shower all of her hair products are in there. This is your first sign that you've lost control, that things are starting to head in a direction that is probably not going to be in your best interest. I've seen this myself on several occasions, and I have not yet, not lived to regret it; you just live to regret that that stuff just inevitably is, is leading you in a direction where she's moving in. And the problem with her moving in is they set up shop. You know, suddenly all your stuff becomes our stuff. You know what I mean? It's like, "What do you mean our stuff?" I remember some girl—I don't want to go too deep into this—but, um, before I got married, I lived with a woman for, I don't know, like five or six months, and, uh, oh yeah, she changed so much. We went from just being, you know, bed buddies to her wanting to send my son to special church and have him listening to all these Bible stories and stuff, which, you know, isn't terrible stuff, but it's not her place, you know what I mean? Like there was no conversation about that; it was just she's just going to do that, you know, um, suddenly my dog is our dog—like, no, my dog, let's keep that straight. Oh, and then she had cats, and at the time I was not much of a cat person, and she brought those cats into our house, and that was very disruptive. So yeah, yeah, it's very insidious, and inevitably you're going to regret it. And once they move in, h, that's when things really, really start going downhill.
So here's how it happens: You start with a tingly feeling; you get the sweet stuff flowing; next thing you know, um, you feel like you need to, um, relent and give her some level of commitment, like, "Okay, I'm not going to sleep with anyone else; I'm not going to be seeing anyone else." That's the first step. We're going to be exclusive. Exclusivity, um, has the connotation that this relationship is moving in a direction that maybe you don't intend, but from their perspective, that exclusivity means that, um, there's a commitment, and you got to be really, really specific if you're going to go that direction with commitment. You can say, "Look, I don't mind being exclusive, but I have no intention of taking this relationship any further," and you just got to be straight with them right from the very beginning.
And just for you guys who don't really know, here are some reasons why you don't want to chain yourself to a bear: Number one, you're going to get something called a honey-do list. Now you don't need to be married to get a honey-do list. I think there's a lot of misconceptions about this list; we believe that it comes with matrimony; that's not necessarily the case. You can get a honey-do list just by having a woman spend the night with you, and the longer she spends the night, then the more the likelihood of you getting this list is. This list is going to include things that you really have no intention of doing, or if you are going to do it, you're going to do it in your own time. Suddenly now it's going to be on a timeline, and you're going to be expected to accomplish these things in a, in a certain period of time. Um, you're also going to notice that you run out of toilet paper extremely fast. I, I don't know what they do with it; I mean, there's not that much more going on down there from what I can tell, but there's an awful lot of wiping that occurs, and it just keeps you—I mean, I remember getting those giant ones from Costco, those giant packages of toilet paper from Costco; it's got like 500 rolls in it; it fills up the entire back of the car; you can't buy anything else; that's all that fits; you got to make a whole another trip to come back and get anything else. Yeah, and that'll be gone in two weeks, and then you're starting over again. Um, the hair in the shower and in the sinks; they just shed like German Shepherds. I, I have no idea why that happens, but it definitely does, and you can't go anywhere or do anything without strands of hair all over your body. I happen to have had a lot of blondes in my life, and so my ex-wife was blonde, dyed blonde, but, um, yeah, on my suits I would always have these strands of blonde hair, like I was just rolling in the hay with her, and that, that didn't happen. I don't know how the hair gets all over me, but it just did; it was like it was just attracted to me in some way, and I would just have these strands of blonde hair everywhere. You have almost like having a cat; you just got to be constantly rolling yourself to get it off. If you find yourself standing in line at the grocery store or the drugstore buying boxes of feminine hygiene products, you know that you have basically overcommitted; that's a chance; that's, that's when you really know that you have tied yourself to this bear, and it's just going to get worse from here. If you're buying these hygiene products, there's a very good chance that your lady is going through her emotional ups and downs that, that week, and is a very high likelihood that you're going to experience that emotional swing and you might be a victim of it. So just be aware that this emotional up and down associated with that time of the month can be pretty extraordinary. Um, I would make myself scarce as much as possible. In fact, the critical thing is don't give her a key to the house. Do whatever you do, just do not give her a key to the house; do not grant her easy come, easy-go access. Um, the physical pains associated with that time of the month, or really just any time of the month for that matter, I hear about them all the time, whether it's, um, headaches, tummy aches, cramps, you know, uh, "My feet hurt," there's just always something that now you are going to be exposed to, and you have to be concerned about. Um, oh, any problem that she presents to you is not her desire to find a solution; she just wants to, um, have you sit there and listen. So if you can rationally piece together a solution to a problem that she has and you offer that solution to her in the midst of her telling you about her problem, you will have broken the sacred role of the man in this relationship. You must just sit there and listen, regardless of how ridiculous her problem is; you're just going to have to listen to it until it's very, the very end, and then you need to, to ask her, "Would you like me to offer some insights to how you might be able to resolve this thing?" And there's a very good chance, even if you offer that to her, she'll say, "No, I really don't want your opinion." She just wants you to sit there and listen to it.
One of the most ironic things about having a, a bear in your house is they're going to want to change you from the way that they found you. So they found you attractive because you have had a life of your own, and you were experiencing life on your terms, and you were, you know, kind of plowing your own path to a certain degree. But now that they moved in, a lot of those things that they found attractive about you, they're going to want to change. So if you have any kind of risky habits that you have in your life, or risky, um, activities that you do for fun, for example, uh, you maybe ride motorcycles, or you jump out of airplanes, or you like to do downhill skiing, or you ride a skateboard, any of these things inevitably are going to lead to her say, "You know, I don't think that's such a good idea; maybe you should sell that motorcycle; maybe you should get rid of the skateboard; I don't think downhill skiing is the right thing anymore; I don't want you to get hurt," and her, her, uh, expression of this is going to seem like it's, you know, a loving expression and a concern for you, but really it's just a mechanism of control; that's really all it is. And the irony here is, um, over time she's going to have, uh, changed you so much that she will no longer find you attractive; you will no longer be the person that she wants to be with. So don't make any changes. So if you have a bear in your house, don't make any changes to your lifestyle; don't, don't accommodate their wishes or desires in any way, shape, or form. You've got to stay true to yourself all the way through.
If you take a bear on vacation, warning, there's a very good chance that whatever you do, she's going to complain and whine about half of it. You know, the food's not going to be good, or, "Oh, the view isn't good enough," or, uh, "Oh, the weather isn't very nice." It's just one thing after another after another; it's like they're trying to live up to some Instagram vision of a vacation should look like, and if it doesn't fit that exactly well, you're going to, you know, you're going to hear about it. So prepare yourself for that. Um, the words "I'm not happy," that's probably the one that's the death nail in many relationships, um, but it starts early. You know, the first "I'm not happy" comes probably within a year, two of the beginning of your relationship, and then how you respond to that is going to make a big difference into how things go from there. If, uh, she says, "I'm not happy," the proper response is say, "I'm sorry to hear that; good luck," you know, you should change your thoughts about that.
Another thing you'll notice about bears is they're going to become dependent on you, and this is a bit of a trap because as men we have this innate desire to be of use, to be valuable, and when a woman, or a bear I should say, is, um, becoming dependent on you, you're starting to feel more and more useful and like you're providing some honorable service; you're, you're, you're doing something good, you know, and that dependency is just going to grow and grow and grow over time, and before you know it you're going to be, um, wasting all your, spending all your money, I should say, on this, this bear. Next thing you know, you're going to be covering some of her expenses, and then you may end up covering some of the expenses for her friends and family. So yeah, this bear is a, is also looking for a social program, and you might just be that. So you got to keep your antenna up, keep an eye out; you do not want to become the social benefactor for a couple of bears, or a, a, a, uh, a group of bears, or any bear for that matter; you do not want to become the social benefactor for a bear.
So you kind of get the idea. I mean, what starts off as a convenient way to have a sleepover and to make simple accommodations like a toothbrush or a drawer turns into something so much more, and it happens very slowly and insidiously over time. And before you know it, everything that's yours is ours; she's adjusting your lifestyle; she's making changes to the things that you do with your life, and then she's unhappy with it all. So my advice to you, if you have a girl spend the night at your house, make sure she's up and out at a certain time, and just set the rule early on. Say, "Look, I've got a lot to do tomorrow"—that's always a good one—"I'm a very busy guy; I need you out by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning." That way you can put the coffee in her hand, give her a styrofoam cup so she has no reason to come back and send her on her way, and do not allow her back into your house again until you're ready. You know, do not give her a key; do not grant her access. Um, you're just going to have to keep this relationship at arm's length. You want to create a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship, um, ideally, and that way you can have some level of communication, some kind of, um, someone to go out and do things with, um, you can get some of that, um, sweet intimacy that is always fun to have without having to give up a lot of commitment or control over your own life, because at the end of the day, controlling your own life is the most important thing. So having a bear into your life for a short period of time probably isn't a terrible thing, as long as they leave and you don't chain yourself to the bear. I guess that's really the critical part of it, and the chain comes from that commitment when you say, when you start going into that exclusivity and you start talking about, you know, the future and where this relationship is going, you're just building that chain one link at a time. I would warn against that; probably not in your best interest.
Come on, if you find yourself living with a bear, I would suggest that you, um, break it off as quickly as possible. You've got to undo the damage that you've done; you've got to get them out of the house, even if it means ending the relationship with the bear at all costs, because that bear will take over, and your life will not be good as a result; you're going to be very, very sad in the long run. Um, um, ending all communication might be the only way forward. I know it seems like a dickish thing to do, and it is, but it comes down to self-preservation at the end of the day, and you've got to, you got to own yourself; you got to own your own life, and if you allow them in, they're going to own it. If you've enjoyed the video, please like and subscribe, and, um, remember, stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.