Transcription
I'm Dr. Orion Taraban, and this is Cycax: Better Living Through Psychology. The topic of today's short talk is why men pay on the first date. So, this is a long-standing debate. The controversy predates the internet, and there are strong opinions on both sides of the table, many of which have some merit. For instance, many men nowadays see paying for dates an outdated, chivalric act in an age when childless women under 30 are out-earning their male counterparts. Back in the day, most women just didn't have the financial opportunity that they do today. So, why should the financial burden of dating fall on men? That perspective certainly makes rational sense.
But I have a better argument for the converse. Today, I'm going to explain why it's really in men's best interests to pay on the first date. As I discussed in a recent episode, dating is really an extended hiring process, in which the man is the employer, as he is ultimately in a position to make an offer to the woman. You are the CEO of UCorp, and the whole point of the courtship process is to give a particular woman the opportunity to demonstrate that she has the skills, the traits, and the attributes necessary to successfully discharge the role that you have created at UCorp. It's a chance for her to demonstrate that she has what you're looking for, because she ain't gonna propose to you, even with all the recent upheavals in traditional gender roles.
So, let's re-enter this frame a bit. Let's say that you are a company that is hiring for a really important role, like a director or a corporate officer. For this kind of position, you're likely going to cast a very wide net to ensure that you have a sizable pool from which to select the most qualified applicant. And it might happen that you find a very compelling applicant that just so happens to live on the other side of the country. What are you going to do? Well, if you're really interested in this person, you fly her out to you. You put her on a plane, you put her up in a hotel, and you expense all her meals. You will go out of your way to demonstrate that you believe that she has something of value that she can provide for the company. And of course, you do this because you expect that should you hire her, the value that you will get out of her productivity will be significantly greater than the costs expended in the hiring process. Like, you wouldn't spend more to get her than you hope to get out of her, right? That's bad business. But you would spend some to get more. That's good business. And while wining and dining qualified applicants is certainly a flex for the company in question, it makes the tangible, immediate impression that the company is not only solvent but thriving, which can be extremely powerful.
This isn't the real reason why companies foot the bill during the hiring process. Here's the real reason: Let's say that somewhere in the interview process, you learn that this applicant isn't actually what you're looking for. Since the process exists entirely at your pleasure, as it were, you can terminate the process at any point without any recourse whatsoever. That's the real reason. Paying allows you to walk away without any complications. And this is good news, because when you're in the sexual marketplace, most women are not going to be what you're looking for. This means that if you're doing it right, you're going to be doing a fair share of walking away.
Paying for a date basically communicates that you value your time more than you value your money, and that you're in control of the experience. Let me tell you, gentlemen, there is absolutely no reason to continue a date with a woman that you are neither interested in nor attracted to. I've walked out 10 minutes into a date once I realized that I wasn't able to do business. I just put some money on the table and left. She got her free drink, and I walked away. And it was much easier for me to do that because I felt like I didn't owe her anything. That's what paying communicates: I don't owe you a damn thing.
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Now, at this point in the episode, a lot of guys are probably thinking, "Why would I walk away from a woman that doesn't make sense, Orion, especially if the woman is interested in me?" And I would respond that the reason why this doesn't make sense to you is that you don't yet have a lot of options when it comes to women. If you can't imagine not hiring an interested applicant, that probably means that you have only one applicant. And if you have only one applicant, the interview process is an empty formality at best, and a total sham at worst. In order to have any kind of real evaluation, you need to have points of comparison. And to do that, you need to generate competition. The greater the competition, the more likely you're going to find a qualified applicant. And this is because competition scares away the less qualified, as they correctly believe that they have no real chance of winning. On the other hand, competition motivates high performers, as they see it as an opportunity to demonstrate their quality. Competition is a filter that operates through self-selection. If you don't believe me, just listen to what your mind tells yourself when you decide not to approach that nine in a bar.
In any case, if you don't yet have sufficient optionality with women, it likely means that you have to spend more time and energy resolving the first of the three captains challenges, namely, you need to work on your boat. A lack of optionality is the universe giving you feedback that your boat is not sufficiently constructed. Remember, in this metaphor, a sea-going vessel is an emotionally compelling lifestyle. If you're going to invite a woman into your life, you need to have something to invite her into, and that's your lifestyle. And the more emotionally compelling your lifestyle, the more qualified applicants you're going to attract. And if you do this, it will only be a matter of time before you'll have to begin turning down women simply as a practical necessity. There are only so many seats on the ship.
To that end, it's generally a good idea to ensure that there is always more demand for a position that your company than there are available positions. And in the sexual marketplace, men do this by being visibly competent. If you're really good at something, make sure that you give people the opportunity to see it. The larger the crowd, the more interest you attract, creating a perpetual pipeline of potential applicants. Eventually, you won't even have to put out a notice that you're hiring; women will send you resumes on their own.
What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And if you've gotten this far, you might as well like this episode and subscribe to this channel. You may also consider becoming a channel member with perks like priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation. I also hope to be doing some more podcast appearances soon, and I'm interested in bringing more folks onto the channel as appropriate. If you think that you would like me to talk to somebody that you follow on YouTube, it's a great idea for you to reach out to them to put the idea in their head to invite me onto their podcast, especially if you're a fan. That's generally how content creators work; they listen to their fan base. It's hard to invite myself onto places. So, a lot of you have been asking for that; this is how you can help make that happen. In any case, thank you for listening.