Transcription
Abuse doesn't have one face. It's not always the guy who screams or the guy who cheats or the guy who hits. Sometimes it's the man crying about how hurt he is. Sometimes it's the one quoting therapy language while making you doubt yourself. Sometimes it's the guy who looks like the perfect gentleman to the outside world, but rules your private life like he's a dictator.
I'm Lisa Sunny, a toxic and abusive relationship expert, and I have coached thousands of women through trauma bonds and abusive relationships. And sadly, I've lived it myself. Now, I break this stuff down so you can actually see it for what it is. Hit subscribe so you do not miss the truth that no one else is saying.
And I want to make a quick note before we kind of get into this. Everything I share here is based on documented cases, public reporting, and my professional opinion as a relationship coach. The archetypes of men that I'm about to cover come from Lundy Braftoft's book, Why Does He Do That? And I'll be using cultural examples to illustrate them. Nothing I say is a personal accusation. It is commentary and education about abusive patterns.
Now, years ago, Lundy Brooft laid out 11 archetypes of abusive men. Sandra L. Brown has a list of dangerous men in her book, How to Spot a Dangerous Man. Chuck Derry, founder of the Gender Violence Institute, talks about how abusive men really operate from a belief system of entitlement. These lists all exist because abusers follow patterns. None of this is random. None of this is unique to your guy. And while I'm going to use Bra's labels here, I'm not putting him on a pedestal. This is really about the men who show up in your life. And let me be clear right from the jump. These men don't fit neatly into boxes. They overlap. They switch masks. One day he's the victim, the next he's the drill sergeant. And that's really part of what makes it so confusing. But if you recognize your partner in these types, it's not an accident. Watch out for men like this and keep watching because one of these types is actually the most seductive of all. He's the one that women mistake for the safe guy, but he's not safe, right? He's the most dangerous of the bunch. And I'll get to him.
We're going to start with the drill sergeant. This is the man who basically runs the house like a boot camp, right? He sets the rules. He decides where you go, what you wear, who you talk to. And his goal isn't love. It's total control. Think of like Diddy, accused of coercive control, surveillance, and all that violence, right? Or Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild creator who abused women behind the scenes. This is your man if you have to ask permission before doing normal things. If you're nervous to tell him that you went out with a friend because you're going to get in trouble. If you feel like your relationship comes with some kind of rule book that only he gets to write. He doesn't want a partner. He wants a soldier.
Now, the next is Mr. Wright. This guy is exhausting because he's always correct and you're always wrong. He talks down to you. He corrects your feelings. He dismisses your reality. You know who's a good example of this? Jordan Peterson, right? perfect public example. The man who claims to know women better than women do. Peterson's whole brand is basically telling women that they're wrong about their own lives, which is exactly what Mr. Wright does at home. He mistakes domination for wisdom. Ben Shapiro thinks fast talking makes him smart, right? But really, he's just twisting words to make women sound irrational. This is your man if every conversation turns into a debate that he has to win. If you've started wondering whether you're actually dumb or not because he keeps framing your perspective as like hysterical or stupid or emotional. This isn't about communication differences. This is really about male supremacy dressed up as intelligence.
Next is the victim. Poor him. Oh, his ex was crazy and his boss is abusive and his mom ruined his childhood. Everyone's out to get him and you need to rescue him. Johnny Depp's entire public campaign was all about being the real victim. Justin Beldoni, another phenomenal current example. Russell Brand built an entire career as this misunderstood genius while leaving women traumatized. This is your man if you feel guilty for ever being upset because his suffering is worse than yours. He can abuse you and then flip into how you hurt him. And the worst part is society is going to coddle men like this, right? because women are expected to mother them even when they're causing harm.
Next, the player. You know this guy. This guy cheats and lies, manipulates, and convinces you that he still loves you. Tristan Thompson, serial cheater, even during pregnancies. Adam Levine sexing women while married with kids. This is your man if you have ever deleted a woman's DM before he sees it because you know he'll spin it as your fault for being insecure when you caught him. You're always on edge about where he is, who he's with, because his behavior has trained you to doubt. But here's the truth. You're not insecure. He's making you insecure. That's the point.
The next archetype is called the Rambo. Now, this guy glorifies aggression, right? He thrives on domination and rage and violence. Chris Brown is a textbook case. And the crazy part is is women flock to his concerts and say things like, "What happened in the past is the past. People can change despite a repeated pattern of violence against women." Mel Gibson's unhinged rants and threats. Same pattern, right? In a relationship, it's your man. If you've ever thought, "If I say the wrong thing, he's going to lose it." Now, he might call it something like passion, but really it's intimidation. And sometimes it's the guy at home who slams doors and punches walls and calls it blowing off steam or says that's just how I am. Honestly, he likes being feared. And here's the cultural piece, right? Men like this are often celebrated as alpha males. Aggression gets excused as masculinity, but he's not masculine. He's abusive. He's Andrew Tate, but he's also the guy who isn't famous for it, but just as terrifying behind closed doors.
The most dangerous type in my opinion, which I'm about to share, is very different from the Rambo. Keep watching because I'm almost at the worst one.
Okay, next is the water torturer. This one is kind of subtle. Drives you insane because nobody else sees it. He erodes you slowly and calmly. It's always just like a little twist of the knife, right? Just you're just a little bit wrong. Just a little bit. It's It's not always noticeable. It's very covert. Laura Clar's ex, Steven Hilton, showed this, right? quiet cruelty behind closed doors. And then there's Hollywood Golden Boy, Army Hammer, accused of manipulative, coercive patterns, right? Not just overt violence. This is your man if you leave arguments confused and doubting your memory and apologizing for things you didn't even do. His abuse is never loud, but it is calculated, right? He doesn't need to scream. He just needs to make you question yourself until you hand him the power.
Next is the terrorist. Now, this is extreme, right? This guy is threats and stalking and making you believe that he could if you leave, right? OJ Simpson, good example. Phil Spectre, convicted of murder and years of terrorizing women in a relationship. This is your man. If you've ever thought, "If I leave, he is going to unalive me." And here's what people get completely wrong, right? Women in these relationships, they're not too weak to leave. They're actually making calculated choices about survival. Fear doesn't always look like shaking in a corner. Sometimes it looks like cooking dinner with a smile so he doesn't explode on you.
Next, you've got the mentally ill or substance excuse maker. Right? This is the guy who's like always got his get out of jail free card in his pocket. He's not abusive, he just drank too much. He's not controlling, it's his anxiety. It's just his insecurity. Charlie Sheen blamed everything on substances. Shilab Buff accused by FKA twigs tried to frame it as an addiction and mental illness. Mental illness does not cause abuse. Addiction does not cause abuse. Period. Full stop. This is your man if you've excused behavior that you would never accept from somebody else because you bought the story that he can't help it. Mental illness doesn't cause abuse. Now, it can coexist with it, right? But abuse, that's a choice.
Now, the next is the bully, right? This guy humiliates you for sport. He mocks, belittles, embarrasses you in public. 50 Cent has publicly trashed so many women online, right? Alec Baldwin's leaked phone calls screaming at his daughter showed the private cruelty. This is your man if you've smiled through humiliation at a dinner party because you didn't want to look uptight. You stopped wearing something you liked because he turned it into a running joke. He's not teasing you. He's training you.
Okay, the next one is the demand man. Everything revolves around this guy, right? He expects service and worship, compliance. Kanye West. I don't need to say more, do I? Steven Seagal, known for harassment and entitlement. This is your man if your needs barely exist in the relationship. If you feel more like an employee than a partner, and this is the kicker, right? Society calls women high maintenance for wanting basic respect, while men like this are celebrated as geniuses for demanding everything. This type is all about entitlement and self-importance. He believes the relationship just revolves around him, his needs, his moods, his timeline. Everybody else is expected to adjust. Where Mr. Wright insists he's always correct, the demand man insists he is always the priority.
Next is Mr. Sensitive. And here it is, the most seductive, right? It's the hardest to spot. He talks about therapy. He journals. He cries. He says he's different from other men. Jonah Hill's leaked texts show this so perfectly. Weaponized therapy language disguised as boundaries, right? It was used to control his girlfriend's surfing career, friendships, and her life. Marilyn Manson pulled that whole like tortured artist card while abusing women. This is your man if you've ever thought he's so emotionally aware. Maybe I'm the one who's unhealthy. He confuses empathy with accountability. He can describe his feelings in detail, but he's not going to take responsibility for how he hurts you. He's not sensitive. He's manipulative. And Mr. Sensitive, he's not that deep. He's dangerous. So really, unlike the Rambo who's a sort of scary right away, Mr. Sensitive hides behind what seems like emotional depth. But women stay longer with a man like this because they think he's trying or he's different. But he mirrors the very things that women often wish that men would do like talk about feelings and be vulnerable and engage with therapy. But instead of using these tools to build connection, he flips them to get compliance. Mr. Sensitive is really kind of like a wolf in sheep's clothing of abusive men because he might seem like the safest option, but that's the mask that traps women the longest.
And this is the truth, right? No man is just one of these things. They overlap. They shift depending on what works, even in one relationship, but definitely over multiple relationships. But listen, the root of all of this is the same. It's entitlement, control, and misogyny. Abuse isn't a style. It's a system. Now, Sandra L. Brown calls them dangerous men, and Chuck Derry calls out their belief system, but I'm just going to call them what they are, abusers. And the question really isn't which type is he? It's why am I giving my life to a man who believes that he has the right to control me at all. So if you're seeing your partner in these archetypes, it's not an accident. Actually, comment which archetypes you see in your partner or your ex partner. Watch out for men like this.
And let me guess, right? Men watching this are furious. They're going to flood the comments with not all men or women do it too or she's lying about Jonah Hill really was boundaries. But here's the thing. If the shoe fits, it's because they built it.
Okay. So, why isn't there a list for women? It's a question that's valid and mostly asked by men in bad faith, but I'll answer it anyway. There isn't an equivalent list for women because women's abuse doesn't operate the same way. Male violence against women is systemic. It's backed by patriarchy and entitlement and an entire culture that normalizes men's control. Women can absolutely be abusive, but the numbers don't compare. Men are far more likely to use coercive control, serious violence, and homicide in relationships. Okay? So, when women lash out, it is often more reactive or defensive. And it's not a whole system of domination. It's a provable fact what I just said that women are more likely to be reacting. And men will hear, "Oh, so women are just reacting to men." Women are more likely to be reactive and women can still be abusive for the purposes of power and control. It's just not as frequent, not as harmful, not as often, and typically not just because you're a man. Where violence against women by men is because they are a woman. That's the difference.
And look at the language, right? Men don't actually need archetypes for abusive women because society already calls them crazy and psycho and toxic and bitter and old single moms, right? Meanwhile, men's abuse has been minimized and hidden and excused for so long that experts literally had to spell it out in lists like this for women to even recognize what was happening to them. So, no, this isn't about both sides. Take your false equivalencies somewhere else. Abuse is patterned, predictable, and overwhelmingly male-driven. If you think that those facts make me or any other woman a misandrist, go kick rocks and learn something. If you want to argue, go argue with your mom.
Anyway, don't forget to subscribe and drop a comment. Which of these archetypes have you dealt with?