Transcription
Ladies and independent men, and here, author of the best syndicate on the internet. This is the kill you're going to lose the show. Let's [ __ ] go.
So, we're going to have a [ __ ] chat, a chit-chat about how you need to keep an independent life if you're in a relationship. And this doesn't just apply to relationships. We're going to talk a little bit here about casual relationships as well, if you have a friends with benefits. But this conversation comes from a coaching client and I. We sat down, it's quite a few months ago actually, I just haven't recorded this. And he was getting, he was on that, he was in that position that a lot of guys get into where they're, they're starting to get really attached to a girl. And he'd been spending a lot of time with her, they had been traveling together and moving around. And they hadn't been together all that long, I think about two months. And my recommendation is usually, don't get serious unless it's been at least six months, a year is better. This guy was getting really attached to this girl, and she was getting attached to him. And so we had this big long conversation over a couple of calls, actually, about how he needed to build his own life, or keep his own life going on. As in, keep his own hobbies and goals, and how he had to push her to do the same thing. They'd both kind of gotten really attached, and they had stopped doing some of the things that had made them like each other in the first place. So they still liked each other, but a big part of the reason why people like each other at the start is because you look at the other person and you say, "Man, they've got lots of friends, they're doing all this cool [ __ ]. I'm, you know, inspired by their ambitiousness." And then if you stop doing those things, you're kind of ruining the reason that the person liked you in the first place.
So I'm going to go through some of the things that I talked with with him, and how it will apply to you guys as well. So the first thing I'll drill into you guys is, you always want to have your own life going on, regardless of if you're in a casual relationship. If you upgrade that to a proper serious relationship, you know, even just if you're sleeping with a few girls on the side, you always want to have your life at the, like, your life has to come first above all else. Whether you're in a serious relationship or a casual, even if you get married and have kids, you still want you and your ambitions to be slightly ahead of your children and your wife. I see this all the time where people go, "Oh, you know, I'm a father now, so I have to sacrifice and stop doing the things that make me happy." Mothers are really bad at this too. They'll say, "Well, I'm a mother now, so like, I don't have any time for me. Like, I need to just solely care about my children and be a martyr and completely neglect my own happiness and just put my kids above all else." Yes, your kids are going to be extremely important to you, but you need to be above your kids. That's such a [ __ ] radical notion, I know for a lot of you. But if you don't put on your own oxygen mask first, how are you going to help them with theirs? This is such a basic concept, but people seem to miss it when they have kids or when they get into a relationship. You need to handle your own needs first, so you have more to give to them.
What happens if you don't do this? And you guys would have seen this all the [ __ ] time. How many times have you seen a mother or a father, you know, or even just a husband or wife with their partner getting really [ __ ] frustrated and resentful and going, "Man, I [ __ ] I don't like my kids. Man, my kids are a hassle. My kids are a lot of work." The only reason you say your kids are a lot of work or they're a hassle is because you haven't handled your own needs and you don't have any patience left. And so when they are demanding, or when they are crying, or when they are, you know, a little bit needy, you don't have anything to give because you're going, "What about me? What about the [ __ ] that I want? You're here nagging and crying that you want ice cream. [ __ ] ice cream, what about me? Like, I have all my own needs and they're getting neglected." So you don't want to put yourself in that position. You want to handle your own needs first, and then you have more to give to the kids. So you should always be the top priority in your life at every point in time. Nothing ever gets in the way of that, ever. There is never a single exception where you don't come first.
Now, to clarify, that doesn't mean be completely selfish and neglect everybody else and be a horrible partner and a horrible. I'm not saying that at all. But you need to come first, all the time, always, always. That is an unequivocal truth. You always want to put yourself first, and then you can look after other people. Especially in the case of a relationship. So what that means is, you want to have your own goals, you want to have your own self-improvement journey, you want to have your own mission, you want to have your own friends, you want to have your own hobbies, you want to have [ __ ] that you care about that is ranked higher than the relationship that you're in or the casual relationship you're in. Especially when you decide to make it serious. That is the point where it's like, "I need to have my [ __ ] going on, and she needs to have her [ __ ] going on." And this is what I talked about with this client. I was like, "Man, you guys both don't have your own [ __ ] going on." Like, your own [ __ ] is, "I just spend all my time with her." And her [ __ ] is, "I spend all my time with him." What happens if one of you is in a bad mood one day? And he goes, "Yeah, well, there's been quite a few days she's been in a bad mood." Yeah. And then your entire world comes down because all you have is her. All you're focusing on is her. And if she's not happy, well, [ __ ] man, my life isn't happy. This sucks. And it becomes this sort of like, you're walking on eggshells. It feels like you're tiptoeing over broken glass, just hoping that she won't have a bad day. And she's doing the same with you, hoping that you will like her and you won't just have a day where you're grumpy or where you're not as close to her or something like that. Because you've both attached yourselves to each other so firmly that anything going wrong just derails the entire [ __ ] thing.
This is why you need your own life going on. So that if she does wake up one day and she's grumpy, you're like, "I don't care. I'll go hang out with my boys. Right? Like, I just won't see you today. I'll see you tomorrow when you feel a little, a little bit better." And she can say the same thing. If you wake up one day and you're just, you know, a grumpy [ __ ], which happens sometimes, she's like, "That's fine. I'll go see my friends. I'll go work on my hobbies." So you want to really, really, really drill into yourself that you want, I won't call it space, but it's your own life going on. You want to have your own independent life outside of your partner or outside of your casual relationship. You want to have friends that are just your friends. I see so many couples, man, where they mix their entire friendship group and they don't have any of their own independent friends. And this might be a funny thing to say, and until they explain further, if you don't have your own friends, who do you have to talk to about her when she's not there? If she doesn't have her own friends, who does she have to talk to about you when you're not there? You do need, I mean, [ __ ], even Jordan Peterson talks about this. You need your own friends so that you can talk about the relationship without the partner there, like listening in. That might sound like, "Oh, talking about them behind their back." No, no, no. You're trying to, like, hash out relationship, like, issues or hurdles. And you need to be able to bounce that off friends that you can trust, that you know won't then just tell it to her. And she needs to be able to do the same thing. This is how you work through, like, relationship hurdles. Like, you need an outside influence. You can't just talk to only your friends that will then go and talk to her or tell her friends. You want to have your own separate lives so that when you're going through the struggles, or when you're going through the hurdles, which will inevitably come up, that is a relationship, if you want to call it challenges, that's probably a more, you know, better way of framing it. But when you come up against these relationship challenges, you want to have your friends, and she wants to have her [ __ ] friends. Even just, you want to have your friends so you can go and hang out with the boys and realize, like, "Oh, okay, even if my girlfriend and I are going through a couple of challenges right now, that's fine. I still got this sick [ __ ] life. I'm not going to take it so seriously. I'm not going to take the relationship challenges so seriously because they've got all this other cool [ __ ] going on." The relationship challenge doesn't even matter. Like, "Yeah, well, we had an argument." Do you know what? Who gives a [ __ ] man? Life is beautiful. My friends are here. I got my hobbies. I got my gym. I got my goals. I got my ambitions. You go back to your girlfriend after spending time with your mates and you go, "You know what, honey? Why do we even [ __ ] disagree on that? I don't even care anymore. I love you." Well, you know, if you know that stage, I care about you. Like, [ __ ], why do we even argue? Who gives a [ __ ]? And she'll do the same thing because she would have gone and spent time with her friends and she'll come back and go, "You know what? I don't care either. Why do we argue? Let's, let's just talk rationally now. Like, let's not argue. Let's just talk." So.
And then the opposite of that, when you don't have your own life, and she doesn't have her own life, and you don't have your own friends, and she doesn't have her own friends, is you would just sit there arguing and caring more and more and getting more and more invested in this argument or this hurdle or this challenge, whatever it is, this disagreement. And it will just fester and grow. And because you don't have somewhere else to go to have space, like you don't have your own goals, you don't have your own friends, you don't have your own ambitions or a higher calling, which is why I said put yourself at the top. Your ambitions need to be at the top. They always need to pull you there. So that if something ever goes wrong, you're like, "I don't care. I've got this higher calling. I'm going to go to that." If you don't have that, you'll just sit there and argue with her more and more because you don't have anything to go and defuse some of that tension or that emotion or that, that like frustration that happens when you're disagreeing with your partner. It's so [ __ ] important that she has her own friends and you have your own friends. And if that isn't the case, if any of you are listening and you're in a relationship and you feel a little bit too like enmeshed with each other, you're too like dependent on each other, go and make some [ __ ] friends. Go onto my website, killyourinaloozer.com. I have an entire article on how to make friends. Go out there and start, you know, joining some sports groups and and find some hobbies. Try some hobbies that you've never tried before.
Any of you that are in the casual relationship stage, this still happens. You still need to understand that this can happen. You can get too attached to your friends with benefits. You know, you start off seeing her once a week, which is usually what I recommend. Don't see her more than that. But that slips, and you start seeing her twice a week. And you really like her company, it's really fun, the sex is amazing, you feel like you're growing with this person. So you start seeing her three times a week, four times a week. Before you know it, you're [ __ ] enmeshed. You feel less independent. This is why I say for those of you who don't have as much experience with relationships and this kind of stuff, for those of you who are relatively new to this stuff, just see her once a week. That's kind of like a safeguard so that you will still have your own life going on. Because you've got six days that you're not spending with her. That's more than enough time for you to have your own friends, goals, ambitions, and all of that [ __ ]. And yes, maybe one day that changes and you see each other every day. I see Imogen every day, pretty much every day. But I have put so much time and effort and I've learned this lesson by making mistakes, which is why I'm, you know, here sharing this with you guys now. I've learned the lesson of like, [ __ ], if I don't have my own goals, and I don't have my own ambitions, and I don't have my own stuff, like a higher calling pulling me up, I just get enmeshed. I get depressed. I get needy. Every little disagreement, instead of us just saying like, "Oh, I disagree with you on that," it grows into this big [ __ ] thing where you're just like, it feels like your whole world is falling apart because you disagree with your partner. And again, that's all you have. If you haven't built your own life, and she hasn't got her own life, all you have is your partner. Or it's at least the most important thing in your life. And when you disagree, it feels like everything in your life is wrong. You literally feel like overwhelmed because you're like, [ __ ] man, like I care about this person so much. This person is so much of my life, and I don't have anything outside of them. Or I have very little outside of them. Them disagreeing with me is like the universe disagreeing with me or something. It feels like everything is wrong.
And Imogen, my girlfriend Emmy, had to go through this as well. We moved a couple of times over the last, you know, two or three years with all the lockdown [ __ ]. And every time we moved, we left behind our entire life. We left behind all our friends, you know, everything. So we basically, it was just, we just had each other. And at the height of all the lockdowns, we weren't allowed to go outside. Like, you weren't allowed to go outside for more than an hour a day. All the gyms were closed, all of her sports groups, because she's a very sporty sort of person, all of that was closed. We didn't have any of our friends. Like, we basically just had each other. And the one thing that I had that she didn't have was, I had my coaching. I had you guys. I had this YouTube chat. Well, I didn't have the channel at the point, but I was starting to do podcasts and I was writing articles and I had some coaching clients. And I had, I didn't have the forums at that point. No, I did. I had just started the forums. And so I had some higher callings. Those things took up my time. Those things took up my mental headspace. She didn't have any of that. And so she found herself becoming very dependent on me. And any little thing that she felt was going wrong, it felt like her whole world was falling apart. And so, like, if I was busy with coaching for a day and and I, like, literally couldn't talk to her for eight hours because I was doing a bunch of coaching calls, she would feel like, [ __ ], I have nothing. Like, I'm just sitting here with nothing. If, or if I was then tired after those, you know, eight hours of coaching calls, just me being tired and maybe not as responsive to her, like, not as enthusiastic or energetic, she would start to feel like, [ __ ], like, does Andy hate me? What's going on? Like, are we losing the mat? You start over-analyzing [ __ ] because that's all you [ __ ] have. You only have the other person.
And so what I had to push her to do, and it was difficult for her, like, because she started to get wrapped up, she started to get pretty depressed. And we've talked about this, you know, 2020 and 2021 were pretty [ __ ] rough for both of us, and I'm sure for a lot of you. And I had to push her, really push her. And I had to say, like, "Look, you need to make some [ __ ] friends. This needs to be priority number one. Stop everything else you're doing. Go and make three friends." And she did. It took about two weeks. She went and made three friends. She just used the guide that I've got on my website, or she used the same advice. So if you don't have friends, just go and read that kill your inner loser.com. Just search for how to make friends. And, you know, she got some friends. She started to build up her own independence. She started to eventually find some hobbies and stuff like that. Even though, you know, there were lockdowns and masks and all that [ __ ], she just found ways of getting around that. And as she built her own independence, she started being happy again. The relationship felt calm again. She wasn't putting so much importance on the relationship. And it wasn't just her. I was doing this too. Like, I had to go and make friends myself as well. I had to get back into the gym and all of that when the gyms opened. And so I've seen, or we've both seen firsthand experience, what happens if you put too much of an emphasis on the relationship. And my first two relationships, my bad, you know, not great, toxic relationships, they were like that as well. All I really had was the other person, and all they really had was me. We didn't have a lot of friends in either of those two relationships. And you just put so much emphasis on the relationship that again, anytime something small goes wrong, or you have like the slightest disagreement, it feels like the world is falling down around you. It feels like, "Oh my god, everything is wrong. This sucks. Like, ah, [ __ ], we're losing the magic." But if you have your own life going on, that isn't the case.
And again, I know I'm talking a lot about relationships because it's super important in an actual, like, serious relationship. It's so [ __ ] fundamental. It's probably the biggest reason why people break up is because they didn't have their own life going on. But it absolutely applies to just casual relationships. All of you listening right now, even if you're in the stage of like, "Andy, I just want to have some more sexual intercourse. I just want to get some punani." If you're at that stage where you just want more sex, that's all you care about, this [ __ ] still applies. It applies just as much. It's like, don't stop doing the things that are bringing you happiness. Don't stop hanging out with your friends. Don't be lazy with your self-improvement. I see that sometimes. Guys will get complacent, not when they get in a relationship, but when they start having a couple of girls that they're sleeping with. They go, "Oh, I guess I can kind of like stop talking to more girls. I can stop going on Tinder. I can, you know, stop going to the gym." You know, "I don't need to push as hard." It's like, "No, [ __ ], you need to push harder." Because in two weeks from now, what if one or both of those girls that you're seeing say, "Hey, you know, I've found someone else," or "I'm going to move on," or "Actually, I'm moving away," or, "You know, it's been fun. I'd like to, you know, stop seeing each other." What do you do then? You got no girls, and you have to start again this whole process.
So you want to always put yourself first. You're always the most important thing, no matter what. That never changes for every single human being on this planet. Put yourself at the top. You still obviously look after other people, but you need to be the one you look after the most. Don't do this martyr [ __ ] of like, "I'm going to care about my partner more," or "I'm going to care about my kids more." No, you are the top priority, and they are a close second, a very close second. You want to push yourself improvement all the time. And this absolutely, if I haven't made it clear, this absolutely applies to women as well. I see a lot of women do this. I think women are maybe worse for this than guys. I don't know. I don't know. It's hard to tell, isn't it? Because we've all heard stories of like the guy who gets like [ __ ] whipped by his girlfriend. It's like, he's not whipped. He whipped himself. His girlfriend didn't sit there and say, "Hey, I want you to stop doing everything that made me fall in love with you. I want you to stop being ambitious and stop having friends and stop being cool and stop caring about your appearance and stop having a higher calling and stop being someone I can respect." Yeah, like, no. The girl didn't say that. He just settled into complacency. And then she also settled into complacency. And then it just became a self-fulfilling prophecy of them both saying like, "Oh, you know what? Maybe I won't hang out with my friends." And she's like, "Yeah, you hang out with me, sweetie. I love cuddling with you." But women, women do the same [ __ ]. Women lose themselves in relationships. I think women lose themselves more in motherhood, as I said, where they'll just go, "[ __ ], everything that I ever enjoyed in my life. My kids are my highest priority now." If you love your kids and you're doing that out of some sense of like love and, "Oh man, I just want to spend as much time as I can with this beautiful, you know, human being or human beings. My kids are amazing. I just want to spend so much time with them." That's, that's you're doing that out of love. But I see so many women doing it out of this like obligation of like, "No, I have to be a good mother," or "I'm afraid of being a bad mother." No, "I can't have some me time. I can't book them in with a babysitter for one day so that I can take some [ __ ] time for myself and my husband." Like, "No, that would be being a bad mother." It's not a great reason to do something, is it? That's you just like telling yourself that your own needs don't matter. Resentment will build up. You will dislike your kids.
But back to, you know, casual relationships and serious relationships. As I said, friends, hobbies. You know, you have to have your own goals. Goals, I haven't even talked about goals. A lot of people will have like these big goals and they get into a relationship and it's like they just stop. It's like they think they've won life or something. As soon as they're in a relationship, they're like, "Oh, I've done it. Time to like hang up my boots and retire." It's like, "What the [ __ ] are you talking about?" Like, when you're in a relationship, stop and think about what a relationship is. Or a, a good, a healthy relationship. What is a healthy relationship? It's two people coming together who both have their own independent lives and their own goals and ambitions and friends and hobbies and all of that, coming together and saying, "Let's build something together." That's what that's what a relationship is for. From a biological point of view, why do we get into relationships? It's because we can achieve more together than we can by ourselves. Two heads are better than one. That's literally why we get into relationships on a biological level. It's because, you know, from a child-raising point of view, it's easier if the guy is bringing in resources and the woman spends her time looking after the kid. That's a better. Otherwise, like, we would just impregnate ourselves and we wouldn't need the other person. Two are better than one. Like, I think we all understand that concept. And so why would you get into a relationship? Why would you upgrade to a relationship if you're not going to be better off than you were when you were single? Like, that's so insane to me. And yet, that seems to be like the common meme or the common idea that people do in society. They're like, "We're together now, so now I can relax and chill and not put in as much effort. And I don't have to groom, and I don't have to have my goals, and I don't have to spend time with my friends. I can kind of just like chill. I found a girlfriend." Like, how many times have you guys heard someone say, "I got a girlfriend, yay!" Like, as if they've [ __ ] like won the lottery or something. It's like, "What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You're coming together to build something more. You're coming together to work harder than you were on your own. You both come together and say, 'Hey, together, let's build something [ __ ] epic.'" I know that I would benefit from having you in my life, or having someone in my life. You know that you would benefit from having someone in your life. Let's come together. Let's do something. Let's [ __ ] push each other with our goals. Let's be accountability partners.
I, I was having this conversation with one of my clients a couple of days ago on a call, and I was telling him about, like, accountability partners and that I use Imogen as my accountability partner, and she uses me as hers. And he said, "You know, I've never." He said, "I've paid coaches and I've read self-help books and all of this [ __ ] for my entire life." And he's 30, so he's been around for a while. And he goes, "In all my life, I have never heard anyone talk about the value of an accountability partner, much less in a relationship." Because I've never, it's never been a concept that's been taught to me or that I've heard that in a relationship, you would keep each other accountable. In fact, the opposite is true. Most people in a relationship, they seem, it seems like complacency and comfort is their goal, not pushing each other more. And I was like, "Yeah, it's [ __ ] nuts, man. Because you're, your partner, even in a casual relationship, guys, this applies to casual relationships. After you've slept together for a while, you can get her to be your accountability partner if you want to. If she's into self-improvement, you can [ __ ] push each other. You give her a little bit of advice. You know, she's your cheerleader. You kind of push each other. Maybe once a week, once every two weeks, you go, 'Hey, how are your goals going?' And she goes, 'Really good.' And like, you can do that in a casual relationship." And he said, "The concept of that is just, he's never heard that before." And it blows my [ __ ] mind because it's like, your partner, or your casual relationship, or even just your friends, but you know that they're in the best position to push you because they care about you. They want to see you win. And the more you win, and the more you share those wins with them, the more they respect you, the more they start to like you, the more they [ __ ] you know, look up to you and admire you, the more sexually into you they are, the more they [ __ ] love you. When you get to the point of of loving each other in intimacy, it's such a missed opportunity to not use your partner or even your casual, you know, friends with benefits as an accountability partner.
So push yourself with that. Push them with that. Have goals. Come together and sit down and say, "What are your goals? What are my goals?" Especially when we're talking about a serious relationship. You've been together like six months or a year. You decide, "Hey, let's make this a serious relationship." At that point, it's like, you want to have a sit down and say, "What are your goals? What do you want from life?" Another way you can phrase that is, you say to her, and she says to you, "What's your idea of a perfect day?" Get a big piece of paper, paper out, write down your perfect day. Like, everything you would do on your perfect day. What your perfect day would look like. Where you would be. What kind of friends you'd have. Like, what time you'd get up in the morning. You know, would you work? Would you be retired? Like, would you just earn passive income? Would you, what art would, like, would you do art? Would you do, would you play guitar? Like, what are your hobbies? Like, what would you do on your perfect day? Get her to write all that out. You write it all out. And then you say to each other, "How do we [ __ ] make this happen?" This is possible. And I know because me and Andy, I wrote my perfect day like four years ago, so did Emmy. And we're both at our perfect day right now. This is my perfect day. Everything I do now is my perfect day. So it's absolutely possible. But you say to her, "How do we make this happen? Let's keep each other accountable. Let's break it down." Okay, so you want to be able to, you know, only earn passive income. You want to earn, you know, $7,000 a month for passive income. How do we start making that happen? Like, let's brainstorm. Let's make it happen. Use each other for accountability. Use each other to push each other. Again, two heads are better than one.
I'm never gonna understand this concept of like, "Let's get into a relationship and be as complacent as we can." It's like, if you're going to do that, why do you need the relationship? You already have all the tools for complacency that you could possibly need without dragging some other person. Because finding someone else is harder than just giving yourself self-medication right now. So if you want to be complacent, just go and drink a lot every day. It's not even that expensive. You can buy like a three-dollar, two-dollar bottle of wine every day and just drink that. Watch Netflix. Netflix is like, what, like 12 a month? I don't know. I don't have Netflix. It's probably like 12 or 15 bucks a month. You can jerk off to porn. It's free. So you can self-medicate with porn for free. Maybe you need to pay for an internet connection. That's not that [ __ ] expensive. And then just spend all your time, use your internet connection that you're already paying for, just watch anime and [ __ ] movies and play video games. Video games aren't that expensive if you play the free ones. Just play like Dota and League of Legends and Counter-Strike, like all the [ __ ] free ones. There you go. That's more than enough complacency right there. That didn't even cost that much. It doesn't even take that much time. So I don't understand why you would pull another person and get into a relationship so you can say, "I've won. I'm in a relationship. I'm, I'm now I can just chill and do nothing." It's like, just do that now. You don't even need a relationship for that. Just, just do nothing now. Just chill now.
So if you're gonna bring another person into it, make sure it's someone who's into self-improvement. That applies for guys and girls. Guys, you absolutely have to have a girl that's into self-improvement, otherwise you're wasting your [ __ ] time. You can still sleep with girls that aren't into self-improvement, but don't upgrade to a relationship unless she's hardcore into the concept of growth, or "I want to be better," or "I want to learn," or "I want to have goals." Women, that applies to you too. Do not [ __ ] f the player's probably more to women, I guess. God, don't get with a guy who isn't ambitious and doesn't have goals and doesn't want to fly to the [ __ ] moon. You know, like my goddamn tattoo. There's a goddamn moon on there. He's got to want to go to the moon. But this concept of like, "Let's get complacent." No [ __ ]. That. Use a relationship for what it's intended to be, which is two people coming together and pushing each other. You know, she needs her own hobbies as well. And sometimes I've seen with you guys, you, you'll have a girl, you'll be in a relationship, or you'll be thinking of upgrading her to a relationship, or upgrading it to a relationship, and she just doesn't have any [ __ ] hobbies or any things that she does or any goals or any of that. You can push her. She has to want it, obviously. So if she doesn't want it, like, don't upgrade it. Just keep it casual forever. But if she wants it and she just needs a little bit of a push, which lots of girls do, they want goals. They've just never really given themselves permission. No one else has given them permission.
One thing that we guys get as men, I know for a lot of you guys, you can sometimes get frustrated and a little bit almost jealous and you go like, "Man, if I was a woman, everything would be so much easier." Like, you guys do know that women have their own struggles too. You just haven't ever sat down and talked to them to find out. But one of women's biggest, one of women's, one thing that women look at us and get jealous for is the fact that we as men are hardcore pushed to self-improve. We are all pushed to improve ourselves. In fact, kind of the common idea is, as a man, you're not worth jack [ __ ] until you improve yourself and make something of yourself. And a lot of you might think like, "Yeah, that's not fair. Women get to just be lazy." No, women get jealous that no one is sitting there and pushing them. Because most people, what do they say to women? They say, "You're perfect as you are. Stay as you are, and you'll find the right man. Just keep being you. You know, you're perfect as you. You don't need to lose weight. You're beautiful." And that might feel good temporarily, but [ __ ] man, that's one of the worst things you can ever say to a woman is like, "I know you have goals, but don't worry about them." That's basically what you're saying when you tell a woman not to improve yourself. So plenty of women will look at us and go, "Man, I wish I got pushed as much as men do." And so a lot of them have goals or have hobbies they want to try, or new skills they want to learn, or just ambitions. But no one's ever, in fact, people talk them out of those goals. Like if they say, "I want to lose 10 kilograms so I look amazing and have abs." Most of their friends will say, "No, sweetie, you don't need to lose weight." And it's like, "What the [ __ ]? Could guys, could you imagine if every goal we said, people were just like, 'No, you don't need to do that'?" Imagine if I sat here on these, you know, videos and said, "Guys, you know, you don't need to reach your goals. You're beautiful as you are." You'd be like, "[ __ ] man, this sucks. I'm just going to not get anything I want because you're talking me out of it." So a lot of girls haven't ever been pushed. But they will be really ambitious. And if you're with one of those girls, whether you're dating casually or seriously, just start pushing her. Just give her [ __ ] permission. Like, you can say it in ways like this. I said this to one of the girls that we're seeing right now. She's very ambitious. She's exactly the poster child of what I'm talking about. She's very ambitious, but her, she's 25 now, and her whole life she's just been told like, "You're perfect as you are. Like, everything's wonderful. You don't need to do anything. You don't need to have goals. Don't worry about your ambitions. Don't worry about losing weight. You're fine." And so I've just been giving her a little like, I'm just giving her permission. One of the things I said to her the other day, like, she was talking about her goals, and I said, "You're allowed to have anything you want. You just have to take it." And that was like this [ __ ] mind-blowing notion for her. She's like, "Oh my god, like, really?" And I was like, "Yes. Like, whatever you want, you just have to take some action. Just grab it. It's it's yours. Just grab onto it and have it. You're allowed anything you want in life." And this applies to all of you, obviously.
And so sometimes you'll just need to give your woman or a girl you're seeing casually a little bit of a push. Just say like, "Yo, you want to try some new hobbies? Why don't you sign up for that baking class or that cooking class? Why don't you go learn [ __ ] knitting or crochet or candle making?" I did a candle making course like a week ago. It's fun as [ __ ]. I took Emmy and this girl that I'm talking about, the one that we're seeing, and I took one of my best mates, and we all went and did [ __ ] candles. That was dope as [ __ ]. That was actually really [ __ ] fun. That was really, really, really cool. Um, anyway, side [ __ ] tangent there. Um, yeah, push her to do the things that she wants to do. If she wants to try a new sport, be like, "Yo, go try that sport. Book it in now." Like, like literally get your phone right now. Don't just say, "Oh, I'd like to do that." Go get your phone right now and like make her do it. Say like, "Yo, get your phone." Obviously, she has to want to do it, but say like, "Yo, yo, yo, right now." We've done this with the girl that we're seeing right now. She wanted to lose weight, and I said, "Yo, like, come to the gym with Emmy and I. Like, literally just come to the gym with us." And she's like, "Oh, you know, I'd like to." And we're like, "Then [ __ ] do it." And she's like, "Okay, I'll do it." And we took her to the gym a couple of times, and now she's got a personal trainer. She's actually like seriously going every week. And I was like, "[ __ ] sweet." So sometimes you just have to push her a little bit and give her permission to go for the goals or hobbies. And again, if she resists, or if she really, really, really doesn't want to, that's fine. Just keep it as a casual relationship. Just don't upgrade it to a serious relationship, you know what I mean?
And you'll find that the more you push your partner, the more she will push you. You push her with her goals, and she'll push back because she wants to see you win. Again, this is why you come together as a relationship and build something more. It's greater than the, you know, the sum. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. What I mean is, you two together is better than you plus her independently. That's the point of a relationship. And I, it blows my mind that people come together and they're worse than they were on their own. What the [ __ ] is that? Just stay single. Just go [ __ ], you know, escorts in a brothel. There's no shame in that. Jerk off to porn. Don't come together with someone, or just date girls casually. And girls, just date guys casually. But don't get into a serious relationship if your mission is complacency. And then definitely don't have children under that. Please. [ __ ] your children deserve better than two people being complacent and lazy. Your children deserve winners, not [ __ ] below average. Let's get complacent and not do anything and not push each other. And everyone is capable of pushing themselves. I think this is just not a concept that's drilled into people. People aren't told this. They're told when you get into Hollywood, Disney, and all of this reinforces this. When you get together, everything will be wonderful and magical, and you just have to love each other and look into each other's eyes and hold hands, and that's it. And it's like, "No, when you come together, the real [ __ ] fun begins. The magic begins. It's like, 'All right, let's build something [ __ ] beautiful. Let's like push each other. Let's go [ __ ] crazy with our goals. What do you want? I'm gonna push you like crazy. And you, please push me. Once a week, let's have a little accountability check-in. We will sit there, we'll talk about, did you do all the stuff you wanted to do this week? Did I do everything? Go through dot point by dot point. What are we going to do next week? What do we want from life? Are we happy? Like, are we happy with the relationship? What can we improve in the relationship? Um, am I grateful for you? Are you grateful for me?' These are the questions that you want to ask your accountability partner, like the girl that you're seeing. And again, you can do this in a casual relationship. You'll obviously be less like hardcore serious with each other, and the accountability check-in will be more about your goals than like, "Are we building a beautiful relationship?" You won't talk about that as much because you're just casual. But, you know, some of my best clients, one of the guys that I had on a podcast, Renee, those of you who remember him, the German dude who slept with like 12 girls in 12 weeks. He, with a couple of his girls, he was like pushing them with their goals. He was doing this. He was literally doing this [ __ ]. He would ask them like, "Are you working towards your goals?" And they'd ask him the same. And he was just having casual sex with them. It was ultra casual. But every time he'd see them, they'd have sex, and he'd just say like, "Yo, what are you up to? Are you pushing yourself with your goals? Do you want a little bit of advice? Do you want another push?" And she'd do the same with him. So it doesn't just have to be in a serious relationship, and you don't have to do this in a casual relationship. But I do think it's mandatory in a serious one. So casual relationship, you can just [ __ ] nothing else, that's fine. Like, you know. But in a serious relationship, absolutely, you have to push each other, otherwise you're wasting each other's time. What are you even doing there?
And I'll, I'll leave you guys with the, or I'll say one of the, the things that I hear all the time. It's like, you want to be a complete person, and the other person has to be a complete person, and then you come together. Don't have two broken half people, dysfunctional people, coming together to complete each other. God, some of the stuff that just makes me like choke on my own vomit that they say in Hollywood and movies and stuff is like, "You complete me," or "You're my everything." It's like, "What the [ __ ] are you talking about? You should be completing yourself." Why are you putting the burden on the other person? What happens on the day when they're tired and grumpy again? When they're grumpy, they're not going to complete you on that day. And then you're going to resent them. You're going to go, "You're supposed to be my honey boo, you're supposed to be my snookums, you're supposed to complete me. Why aren't you there for me today?" And it's like, "Because I'm grumpy and I'm having a bad day, and I can't always be there to [ __ ] sort your [ __ ] out, idiot. That's what you're for. You are supposed to sort your own [ __ ]. And then when you come to the other person, you're happy." Could you imagine if you dumped on your friends, "Hey, you have to just sort out all my problems all the time." They'd be like, "Bro, what [ __ ] off. I got [ __ ] to do." But people do this with with relationships. They put all the burden on the other person. They don't spread it out across goals, hobbies, other friends, you know, space, their own meditation, and their own inner peace and books and podcasts, like all these tools that we use to sort out our own emotions and our own unhappiness and all of that, and you know, dissolve our suffering. Instead, they just dump it on their partner and say, "You have to make me feel better all the time. Anytime I'm sad, it's like, [ __ ] that. I'm not your counselor." You wouldn't even do that to a counselor. You wouldn't say to a counselor, "Every time I'm sad, I get to call you up and harass you and tell you that I'm sad and you have to fix it." Your counselor would be like, "Whoa, boundaries. No, you get me for one, maybe two hours a week, that's it. And the rest, you got to sort out yourself, buddy." And yet people do this in a relationship.
So you want to be a complete person. You want her to be a complete person. You come together, and it's a bonus. It's you two building something more than if you were by yourselves. By yourselves. The Rational Male has this really good saying that I like, which is, "Women should always be a compliment to a man's life, not the sole focus of it." The flip side applies to like women. Men should be a compliment to your life, not the sole focus of it. And to be clear, what I'm talking about, I'm not saying don't be extremely close to your partner. I'm not saying don't connect and commit and have intimacy and love each other and all of that [ __ ]. Or in a casual relationship, you know, just, just be close to each other. I'm not saying that at all. I'm talking about the sole focus. Don't make the relationship the sole focus of your life. Don't put the burden on the other person to make you happy. Don't ever say, "This person completes me." The day any of you say, "Oh, my partner completes me," I'm going to slap the [ __ ] out of you. Slap some goddamn sense into you and say, "No, bro, you have to complete yourself." As cheesy as that might sound, you need to complete yourself. You need to look your eyes in the mirror. I've talked about this a million times. Look into your own eyes in the mirror and be like, "Bro, I [ __ ] love you." Say that to yourself in the mirror. Look into your own eyes and say like, "[ __ ] man, I'm happy being me. My life is [ __ ] dope. And I get this girl as well to kick some ass with." And she needs to do the same. She needs to look into her own eyes in the mirror and say, "I love you," to herself. Look in her own eyes and say like, "I'm really happy. I really like myself. I like my life. And I have this wonderful guy to share it with." That's the sentiment we're aiming for. My life is amazing, and I have this amazing person to share with. Or my life is amazing, and I have this amazing person to help me grow it even more, and I get to watch them grow and become a flower and all of this like [ __ ]. Man, that's amazing. That's what we're aiming for. Not, "I need the other person," or "The other person completes me." No [ __ ] that. You need to have your own life going on. Have your own [ __ ] going on. Be your own human being, and they help you with that.
A wrap-up. I have coaching available if you want me to help you with any of this [ __ ]. I'm obviously super passionate about relationship stuff. I get really fired up with this stuff. I'll leave a link in the description below. But have your own life. Do not make the other person the sole focus. Do not make them your happiness. Do not rely on them and put the burden on them. You want to be your own complete person, and they add to your life. So go out there, build something beautiful, crush those goals, crush your own goals, and she crushes her own goals, and then you push each other on top of them.