Transcription
Chapter 10. Responsibilities of a hinge.
The more you love, the more you can love and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. Robert Heinline.
You now have two or more partners. Congratulations.
[music] How exciting. You're actively participating in polyamory. And now the real work begins. As a Hinge or the person connected to two or more partners, you have a multitude of considerations and responsibilities. You hold significant power over whether this environment becomes a positive experience or one filled with negativity and insecurity.
[ __ ] up. I'll let them work it out. Timothy had been Polly for decades and had recently started dating Lina more seriously, such that [music] she had become his anchor partner. They were considering nesting together, but Lina was very new to Polly and was experiencing a number of insecurities. She was open and curious about living in an open relationship, but felt fear around Timothy's other loverships, some of which predated their relationship and were quite deep. Among Timothy's other relationships was Hillary, a strong-minded, strong-willed [music] relationship anarchist. She was not supportive of Timothy living with Lena and shared her opinions [music] openly and loudly. So much so that she consistently shared with Timothy [music] that he shouldn't be dating Lena. Rather than insert himself into the relationship between Lina and Hillary or seek to create common ground among the three of them, Timothy left them to their own devices, [music] thinking they need to work this out on their own and chose to move in with Lina. In the months that followed, Hillary developed such a strong distaste for Lina and her communication with Timothy about Lina became so toxic [music] that he chose to end the relationship with Hillary. Had Timothy worked as a [music] hinge to create common ground and/or agreements as to how the three of them would communicate with and about each other, he may have had the chance to successfully navigate both relationships.
Exercise. Communication is key. First things first, how are you at communicating? Consider your conversations with your first partner, whether they're primary or otherwise, about your second or tertiary relationships, and ask yourself the following questions.
One, how often do you have relationship check-ins?
Two, do you disclose when you're going on a date with another partner?
Three, how much do you discuss your feelings and expectations ahead of time?
See, transparency versus disclosure?
Four, do you ask them how they're feeling before, during, or after your date with your other partners?
[music] And five, do you allow space for date specific agreements?
It's essential that both partners feel special, important, and safe in the relationship with you. So, let's explore how you might create such an environment.
The love bubble. The benefit you had with your first partner was likely the time spent together before opening up your relationship. [music] You shared what I call the love bubble when you were both experiencing new relationship energy together. [music] This phase is beautiful and crucial for establishing a secure attachment. When you experience NRE, you're filled with excitement [music] and those delightful butterflies. However, this can also lead to a feeling of being a bit disregulated. During this time, you invest in one another to create a [music] sense of security. With primary and/or anchor partners, there was usually time to build that secure attachment. [music] And if you've done that, now is the moment to share your feelings about your new partner with your first partner. Those regular check-ins we talked about previously can be incredibly helpful here.
>> [music] >> For example, saying something like, "I have a date coming up with partner X. I'm feeling excited about it, but I want to check in with you. How you feeling?" This opens the door for important dialogue.
Navigating the second relationship. Now, let's talk about your second partner. [music] Building a secure attachment with them can be more challenging because you don't have the same committed time together, [music] and it's more difficult to form a dedicated love bubble. Research suggest suggests that partners in polymerous relationships often struggle with feelings of insecurity and competition for attention. There's always someone else, [music] often your first priority looming in the background, and as a result, your second partner may feel less important and less [music] secure.
[ __ ] a secret love affair. Lily has begun dating a new secondary partner, and while her husband Grant is generally supportive, he has some reservations about Lily's new lover, James. [music] James is very new to Polly and Grant fears that Lily will be his starter girlfriend and [music] that he will be stuck with the collateral damage. James is smitten by Lily and wants to spend as much time as possible with her. He's eager to have her spend the night and has already shared that he loves her. While Lily did return his sentiment, she did not share this detail with Grant. Grant thinks that Lily and James are in a casual relationship. Over time, pressure builds from James to spend the night and take trips, [music] and Lily continues to come up with excuses, often blaming Grant for not being okay with the idea, [music] but not sharing that she and Grant have defined agreements around overnights, trips, and falling in love. Due to the growing pressure, Grant can sense up big shift in how Lilia is showing up in their marriage. So, he asks her to end the relationship with James and has significant mistrust with James. Now, it is critical to be upfront about your agreements, boundaries, and capacity. How often will you be able to see them? Can you spend the night, fall in love, or take trips together? If those elements of a primary relationship aren't going to be possible, have these conversations early and often. Be aware also of the needs of your second partner. Ask them what they need from you to feel important and special. Write these things down as agreements to ensure that your second partner clearly understands [music] what you can offer and whether that's sufficient for them.
Understanding responsibilities. With freedom comes responsibility. Eleanor Roosevelt. The role of a hinge in polymerous relationships carries unique responsibilities, including ensuring that both partners feel valued and connected. [music] Failure to communicate effectively can lead to misunderstandings and emotional distress. You are now responsible for conveying your status, hopes, dreams, and fears to more than one partner. It's also crucial to communicate your agreements with partner one to partner two and vice versa. Transparency is key. Partner two should know in detail what your agreements are with partner one. [music] If they're written down, share them in writing so there's no room for misunderstanding.
[ __ ] Failure to disclose. Bella was married and had entered into a new relationship with Gio. She and her husband Peter were early on in their polyamory journey and [music] had very prescriptive agreements. They attended a party where Gio was present and had agreed before the party that they would not have sex with anyone that night. However, in a moment of jealousy or insecurity watching Peter playing with a new love interest, Bella ended up having sex with Gio. Not having told Gio about her predefined agreement with Peter. Thereafter, significant stress ensued for all three partners because Bella the Hinge had failed to communicate her agreements with Peter to Gio. Now, Peter didn't trust Gio, but Gio hadn't done anything wrong. One of the biggest fuckups I've observed, and I've and one I've committed myself is assuming the partner two has the responsibility to partner one, particularly early on. Early on, they don't. You as the hinge carry significant responsibilities to both partners. The ability to make this experience beautiful or riddled with insecurity is firmly in your hands.
Facilitating relationships between partners. Now, let's discuss how to facilitate a relationship between your partners. Encouraging relationships between partners can foster a supportive environment. Research indicates that mutual respect and communication between partners can enhance relationship satisfaction and reduce jealousy. First, understand whether partner one wants to have a relationship with your other partners. [music] For instance, my husband does not want to be best friends with my other partners or engage in one-on-one communication with them. However, I still encourage my second partner to reach out to my husband with a simple message. [music] Hey, it's great to connect with you. Candace is awesome. I just wanted to open the line of communication. [music] If you ever have questions or concerns, feel free to reach out. This gesture goes a long way in establishing respect and understanding. [music] Creating group environments where both partners can be present can be equally valuable. For example, [music] Forest and Rob regularly hosted family barbecues and invite their respective lovers to to join. It's a [music] casual setting, often with about 30 people in attendance where Sam, Forest's new partner consistently attends. Sam may or may not engage with Rob every time, but just being around each other helps ease the potential tension. Forest's goal as the hinge is to remove the shroud of secrecy and bring both relationships into the light.
Creating special time with your anchor. However, it's also important to create special time with both partners. While NRE can enhance feelings of connection with your new partner, it's essential to maintain balance and communication with existing [music] partners to avoid feelings of neglect. I've seen situations where a hinge fails to carve out individual time with their first partner once a second partner [music] enters the picture. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and mistrust with a new partner.
[ __ ] up. Three is a crowd. Jordi is married to Syibble and dating Ash. In addition to their romantic relationship, their social circles heavily [music] overlap and Ash is always around at events and parties that Jordi and Cibil are invited to. The three of them always come together, often both handinhand with Jordy. But Syibble and Ash are not friends. They're cordial, but that's it. [music] As a result of having very little alone time with Jordy, both Syibil and Ash get more easily triggered at events, and mutual friends also feel a growing tension. This lack of dedicated time fosters resentment and insecurity. Ensuring that both partners receive quality [music] time helps mitigate feelings of insecurity and neglect. When you get a second partner, it's thrilling, but it's essential to ensure that your first partner still feels special, secure, and valued. Coordinated dates, trips, and quality one-on-one time are crucial for maintaining harmony in both of your relationships. And while it's often easier to get excited about spending time with your new partner, remember that your anchor deserves attention, too, as they likely get the worst parts of you more consistently and need to know that they're still valued in your life. They are giving up their previous sense of control and security and they should feel like they still hold importance and relevance in your life.
Exercise. Plan it out. In your notebook, create a monthly calendar and mark for last month each day that you planned something special with partner one and partner two along with social engagement where both partners were present. Do you see a disparity in the last month? If so, did the month end up lopsided? [music] Did your social time with both outweigh special dedicated time or vice versa? How did you feel about this balance or lack thereof? How did partner one feel partner two? Now plan out the next month in an ideal environment. How would you balance the shift? How would you how would this feel good to you? How would it feel good to partner one and partner two? Engage them and share the calendar among the three of you. Navigating the responsibilities of being a hinge requires intentional communication, [music] establishing clear agreements, and actively fostering relationships between your partners. By doing so, you can create a polyamorous dynamic [music] that is fulfilling and enriching for everyone involved.