Transcription
Hold on tight because this is going to sound completely insane, and once you see it, you can't unsee it. Your friends are holding you back. And what's worse is, they know they are. It's not consciously. It might not be in a malicious, villainous way, but on a psychological level, yeah, they know. They know. And before you freak out and think I'm about to tell you to go cut everybody off and start getting all paranoid about who's in your life and blah blah blah, you should already be in a way. But also, no, this is not that type of video where I'm going to tell you that you need to cut everybody off and you can't have friends. This is actually way darker than that. And that's because most of the damage that your friends do to your life is really quiet. It's really sneaky. It's passive. It's disguised as love, jokes, support, and that's exactly why it works.
By the way, my name is Chrissy Daskovich. If you're new here, welcome. If you recognize me, welcome back to my channel. Today's episode is going to be a very, very, very important one that everyone's too scared to talk about. And this is the huge lie about friendship that you really, really, really need to understand moving forward if you want to make the best decisions when it comes to friendships. If you want to protect yourself, if you want to avoid all the unnecessary crap that comes with friendship, this is going to teach you everything that you need to know.
We're taught this fantasy about friendship: that real friends are always going to support you, that they always want what's best for you, that they're going to grow together with you. And none of that's true. That's not how humans work. That's not how we're wired. Humans are social, hierarchal animals. We constantly compare ourselves to the people closest to us. Whether you want to admit it or not, your friends are not exempt from ego. They're not exempt from human psychology. They're not exempt from the way that humans are hardwired. Nobody is. In fact, your friends are the most dangerous place for those emotions to live. At the end of the day, strangers are not threatened by your growth. Your friends are. Your family is. The people closest to you are threatened. That's why you see so many people talking online like, "all the strangers supporting me versus my friends and family." It's so true.
Let's talk about why friend groups even exist. Nobody you know will tell you this out loud, but friendships and friend groups exist to maintain equilibrium. Every single friend group has the funny one, the chaotic one, the pretty one. Okay. Okay. Really, really dangerous place to be. This is why I advocate for, you know, being really, really picky with your friends. All of your friends, if you're a really pretty girl, all of them need to be pretty, pretty girls. Okay? No exception. There's the successful one. There's the leader. There's the sidekick. Whatever. All of these little high school labels that we like to put on things, but that's just how it is. That's how humans are wired. You're not going to escape that if you have a friend group. There's going to be a one for everything. Whether you want to admit it or not, these roles that we subconsciously assign on each other is what stabilizes the group.
So, when you decide to make more money, you want to change your lifestyle, you want to improve your looks, you want to raise your standards, you want to stop being available, you stop playing your assigned role. You're not just changing your life. You are destabilizing your friends and your friends group because they assigned to you a role already that was comfortable for them. How they associated you this whole time. And so, when you go in and you try to change things, it makes them feel weird. That's why people get weird all of a sudden, is because, "Who is this? Who is this? I didn't know she was going to do this. I didn't know she was going to change." D. And humans hate instability. That's just a fact. So, when someone's known you for so long and they've known you to be X, Y, and Z, and you change to be A, B, and C, it destabilizes things. It destabilizes what they thought of you. Nobody likes that. Okay?
Your friends that have known you for so long and your family will support you until your growth surpasses theirs too fast. Pay attention to this. We've all heard about this. We've all heard the same story over and over and over and over and over again. They'll cheer you on when your goals are vague, when you have dreams in the beginning, maybe before you've actually started to do anything. Like if you announced to everyone, "I'm going to start a business," they'll be like, "That's such a good idea! Yes, yes, yes!" But when you actually get serious about it, and you actually went out of your way and you put a ton of work in it, and your dreams are coming to fruition, and you're growing and you're expanding, then people are really set back and they're like, "Whoa, she actually went and did that, and I didn't!" And it's like a personal attack on them, but also, you're growing out of that role that they assigned to you, and it makes them uncomfortable. They'll support you when your plans are far away and when your success is hypothetical. Of course, they'll support that. Do you understand that most people in the world—only 1% of us actually get up and go chase things and become successful? Only like 1% or even less of the human population does that. So, it's absolutely fair for me to say right now that everyone does this because we're talking about 99% of the population. 99% of the population will never chase their goals. They'll never go out of their comfort zone. They'll never grow. So, when you're part of the 1% that does this, big 99% of people are not going to be okay with it because they don't do it themselves, and it makes them feel insecure. It makes them uncomfortable.
So, this is why I advocate for finding friends that are successful like you, that are, you know, care about their looks. If you care about your looks, if you're a pretty girl, have pretty girl friends. That doesn't mean to say you need to be super, super shallow and only be friends with these people, and only people like this can be good people. No, of course there's people out there that are happy and content, and they don't want a life like that, and you know they love you and they'll be happy for you chasing a life like that. But not most people; most people will be threatened by it, and make it will make them feel insecure, and it will just hold up a big mirror to what they're not doing. So, that is the fine line. But to be generally safe, you can apply this mindset to every friend you have and everyone you will ever meet. Because literally 99% of the time, this is true.
When things start to get real and the results start to show up, when you start outgrowing this little group dynamic or this role they assign to you, the support will turn into jokes. It will look like they're concerned for you. They want—they don't want you to get hurt. They want you to be realistic. My favorite one: "Let's be realistic 'cuz I don't want to see you get hurt." Okay? They apply their limiting beliefs onto you, and they—they wrap it as support and concern. It's the "Are you sure?" It's subtle discouragement. You know, they want to discourage you a little bit. They want to humble you, bring you back down to earth for a second 'cuz they're concerned. They don't want to see you chase your dreams and end up like everyone else that fails, basically, is their mindset. And this is 99% of people, okay? This doesn't necessarily mean they're all evil. Like most people do this, and they don't understand what they're actually doing. They've been conditioned and told their whole lives that this is normal support, this is normal to tell your friends, etc., etc., but they don't understand deep, deep, deep down how it's actually really dangerous and horrible mentality to have, especially if you have a friend that has huge hopes and goals and dreams.
Sometimes all you really need is one person that believes in you, one person that can tell you, "You're going to do it. You can do this." You know, this growth that you have will force them to confront their own stagnation. It makes them go, "Okay, well, I've known her my whole life. I've known everything about her. We've been such good friends. She used to do this, this, this. She used to work at this place, just like how I used to work at this place, but now she's here traveling to this place, doing these things, posting about X, Y, and Z. Now she has all of these opportunities. We were so alike, and we were in the same boat. What happened? What did I do wrong? How is she there and not me? I deserve it more than she does then. I can do it then." And this is where it starts to get really, really dangerous with these types of people that have this type of mindset, and they get really, really, really, really competitive with you. Every single thing you do is a comparison because it made them feel really bad about themselves. And that's where all of this comes from.
When you are part of the 1%, you work so hard. You have huge hopes, huge goals, huge dreams, and you are a doer. You do things. Prepare to meet everyone like this. Okay? Yes, you can meet other people that are also going to be on the same mentality as you. Those people are usually the best types of people that you can be around. These types of people almost always have a goal, have a sense of self. They know what they have to do and how they're going to get there. And usually those types of friendships are safer because then both of you guys can work alongside each other. Not on the same thing, with your own two different lives, your own two different goals, dreams, everything, but you're both not stagnant. So, you're both moving, and you know that is a good friendship to have. People that are stagnant in their lives and don't try to go do anything aren't really going to be the best types of people to be close with. You can love them from afar, or if it's your friend from a long time ago, give them little updates a couple times a year like, "Oh, I'm doing this now. I'm doing this now. I'm doing this now." But not to be really close with, not to allow within close proximity to you in your life, because they're only going to hold you back and drag you down. I promise.
Now, let's talk about how friends sabotage you without you really realizing it. This is where—this is where the friendships start to get really, really uncomfortable. They absolutely sabotage you by saying, "Don't keep going like this. You're going to burn out. You're doing too much. Just be happy with what you have. You're so ungrateful. I would love to be in your position. I wish I had what you had. It must be so nice. Money isn't everything. You've changed." Little things like this that are designed to really take a dig at you and make you question yourself and your growth and being like, "Wow, am I doing too much? Wow, did I change a lot? Wow, am I like, did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me?" No. People say this to hold you back. You need to keep going. You can't listen to any of this. Okay? Your friends are great to have as companions, but they are not going to be your mentors. They're not going to teach you how to get successful. They're not going to teach you how to get to the next place. They're not going to do that. So, don't ever place what you're going to do with your life, your next step, if you have these big hopes and dreams and dreams of growth, within stagnant people. That's insane.
Friends will purposfully frame these little comments to you as like they're caring, and they care about you, and they, you know, they do support you, but you're just doing too much. So, you know, they—they try to make it seem like it's caring, but it's not. It's comfort preservation for them. They're not actually protecting you from failure. They're protecting themselves from comparison with you. Okay? The fear of, "What if she does become all of this, and then I did nothing?" That scares them. Okay? That is why they say these things, because if you can do it, what's their excuse? And that is the hardest thing for people to face. Like no one wants to know that they had this potential to do X, Y, and Z, and they didn't. No one wants to know that and face that. So, they hide in all these different sheep's clothing outfits.
Okay, here is reality. I'm going to give you some brutal truth. People don't pull you down because they hate you. They pull you down because you remind them of everything they're not doing, everything that they are not. When one crab tries to climb out of the bucket, all of the rest try to pull them back in. Your friend group is the crab bucket. Your ambition threatens the unspoken agreement of, "We're all staying right here." Okay? And that's what friends like to do.
It's natural to have friends that you want to be close with forever, that you can call up on a random day and say, "Hey, let's go here. Let's do this." Blah, blah, blah. And that's the hardest part about growing and expanding and changing yourself and becoming better and wanting more for yourself: is when you—when you start with a stagnant friend group that's not similar to you in that way, it's bound to fail. It's bound to fail. Friends benefit from you staying the same. Most of your friends are going to benefit from your emotional labor, your availability, your advice, your validation, your chaos—everything that you guys do together as friends. You equally benefit. Okay? But specifically, you can only benefit if everyone stays the same. If we're all in the same spot doing the same thing, if you level up, if you start to change things, you start to grow, you start to expand, they—they start to lose access. So, this nothing could have happened. You—there had—there doesn't need to be an argument. There doesn't need to be any drama. You literally could just level up your life for yourself. Nothing to do with your friends. Make more money. Start some businesses. Start traveling, going around, and they're going to get really, really offended and upset with you because they lost access. But it wasn't intentional. It's about you leveling up. And they start to—and they start to lose these benefits that they had by being friends with you.
So, so when you change, that's why everyone loves to say, "Oh, I miss the old you." Of course you do. Of course you miss that I was available 24/7, and you know, we used to do all of these things, and I had—you had access to me all the time, and yes, maybe I miss it too in a way. I want more, though. I want to grow. I want to do things. The most valuable friendships that you could ever have is the type of friendships where you're both chasing things. You're both growing. You're not attached to each other. You're not stuck together all the time. You're actually both completely separate, and you're out there achieving your dreams. And then when you make time to see each other again, you catch up on everything. You're so happy for each other. And then you go back to doing your stuff. That is real, true friends. Okay. I have friends everywhere, in different cities, everywhere, and I'm not extremely, extremely close with anyone ever again. Never, ever, ever again. Yes, we all love to have a bestie. Okay, that is impossible unless you guys are living the exact same life, doing the exact same thing, seeing each other all the time. Okay. If you're not, and you're one that's on your own, you're working. You're striving for a lot of things. You're trying to get a lot more for yourself, you're not really like the—the chances you're going to find someone doing the same exact thing as you. Unless you guys are working together, okay, that's different. If you guys starting a business together, you guys are working together to get to a place, okay, you're both going to experience everything I'm talking about from other people in the group and other people around you. It doesn't change. But for the most part, when you're part of the 1%, you want more things. You want to grow. You want to do all these things. It's going to be a problem. When people say, "I miss the old you," it directly translates to, "I miss how you used to serve me and my life." And that is a horrifying realization. Okay? It's horrifying, but it's the truth.
So, how do you know that your friends know that they're holding you back, even though they'll never, ever admit it to you? This is the part that no one really wants to hear. On some level, people know and can feel when they're benefiting from your stagnation. They feel when they discourage you. They feel it. They feel it when they mock your dreams. They feel it when they don't ask follow-up questions. They feel it when they avoid your success. Obvious like, people feel these things. They feel relief when you fail. Isn't that disgusting? It's so sad, but it's so true. When people are stagnant and they don't want to see someone close to them doing better than them, they will never, ever admit it. They'll probably never say out loud because they're embarrassed, but they do feel good when they see you fail. Why wouldn't they? It makes them feel better about themselves. They're like, "See, I'm not wrong for going out of my way and trying to become something and trying to do more and grow. See, she failed. This is why I didn't try because I would just fail like that. So, I'm good right where I'm at." But same goes for the opposite. When you win, there's going to be tension, and people start to get really weird. These emotional responses that you feel from people are—it's awareness. It's a currency that's always going around. You can't escape it. You can't change it. You just need to recognize it for what it really truly is, and don't let it stop you or get in your way.
When you finally leave the group emotionally or physically, they'll start to say things like, "You think you're better than us. Oh, you're too cool for us now. Money changed you. Fame changed you. Who are you now? I miss the old you. You forgot where you came from." But what they actually mean is, you just don't fit the version of yourself that made them comfortable. And that is not your responsibility. Okay? That's has nothing to do with you. That has nothing to do with you. You are doing everything right when people start to talk to you like this. You know you're doing something right when they start to act like this.
Here is the hard, cold, stone-villain truth. Growth is lonely. You're going to be alone. Power is isolating, and elevating yourself requires distance. You hear that? Did you hear that? This isn't because you hate anyone. This isn't because you don't like them. It's because your job isn't to shrink yourself to make other people feel safe. And you're going to inevitably—you're going to inevitably be doing that to yourself when you keep yourself around stagnant people. Your job is to expand until your environment matches you. And the people that are actually meant to stay, they will rise themselves also without resenting you. The rest of them, they were never friends. They are just acres holding you down.
This made you uncomfortable. Good. And I'm also sorry, but it is the truth. A lot of people struggle with this. I see a lot of people in my comments talking about friends holding them back. And I wanted to tell you what I know on it because once I realized this, my mind was blown, and my whole entire life changed, and now I see things for the better. You're able to make healthier relationships with people. You're able to have friends at a healthy distance. The sooner you learn this, the better off you'll be. Pay attention to who celebrates your wins, who asks you questions, who doesn't make your growth about themselves. Those are your people. Those are your people. Everyone else, they're not evil, per se, okay? They're just not coming with you. And that's the sad truth. Let me know what you'd like me to talk about next in the comments. I hope you learned something. I wish you the best of luck, and as always, I will see you guys on the next one.