Transcription
Is this the right relationship for you? This one question could save you years of frustration, or it could confirm you found something amazing. But it is a problem; most of us have to rely on gut feelings, online quizzes, or random anecdotal advice that may not apply to us. And honestly, it's so complicated that even scientists admit there are so many potential factors that it's really hard to figure it out. That's why a team of 86 researchers analyzed data from more than 11,000 couples across 43 longitudinal studies. They used advanced machine learning to try to cut through the noise. The result? Well, they identified the most important self-reported predictors of relationship quality—and these are things that actually matter long-term.
Welcome back. I'm Dr. Thomas Sman. I'm a clinical psychologist, I'm the author of this book, and in this video, I'm breaking down the top five relationship quality predictors from the study. Plus, I'm going to give you the exact questions you can ask yourself, whether you're single and wondering what to look for, dating and trying to decide if things should get more serious, or you're already in a relationship and you want to check in on how things are going. Honestly, I wish I'd had this info years ago; it would have changed how I approached my past relationships. Okay, let's get to it.
Amount of conflict. It's probably easiest to think about this as a straight line: the more conflict in the relationship, the worse you're going to feel. So, some disagreement or conflict is inevitable in relationships when you hold opposing views or you have incompatible goals. But it's painful each time, and it becomes more frequent, then it starts to really affect us. The research suggests that as it builds up, we react more intensely to each individual argument—like it's going to be more heated the fourth time we argue about it. The takeaway is: look for relationships with little naturally occurring conflict. Sometimes this is because the person you're with is just a less conflictual person, and sometimes it's because you fit together so well that the problems are fewer. People who are short-tempered in general also tend to have more relationship conflict. To look for this, ask yourself if they get angry easily or if they're critical of other people regularly. So also, outside stress can play a big role in this. We often don't recognize that what feels like relationship unhappiness is actually driven by a stressful period at work or some other stressful thing happening in your life. The research finds that when we're stressed, we stop engaging in connecting activities with our partners, and we tend to have kind of overblown negative reactions to what are really small issues. So we don't want you to suppress and ignore the problems or try to avoid conflict. What we find in the research is that when you bring it up, you do feel more stress in the moment—like that's real—but you end up feeling happier overall because you can resolve the problem. But if you never bring it up, it tends to linger and it causes problems long-term.
In figuring out if it's the right relationship or it's a high-quality relationship, one thing that matters more than the amount of conflict is how you both handle these conflicts when they occur. You want to be particularly sensitive to a well-researched type of conflict that's especially problematic: it's called a demand-withdrawal cycle. Where someone's upset and says something like, "Hey, we need to talk. You never plan anything special anymore. Do you even care?" So one person pushes for a conversation, frustrated by the lack of effort; maybe the other one sighs, looks at their phone, and mutters, "Here we go again. Can't we just watch TV and relax?" Feeling ignored, then the first person presses harder: "Why won't you just talk to me?" Overwhelmed, the other person shuts down completely because all you do is complain. Basically, the more one demands, the more the other one withdraws, leaving both people feeling unheard, feeling upset, and feeling disconnected. So you want to be on the lookout for this dynamic because, like, it's really common and it's particularly tied to distress and to breakups. People tend to see this as being like a demanding woman and a withdrawing man, but it goes badly regardless of whoever plays these roles. If you do see any of this playing out, um, you can make progress on this by working on emotional regulation and then trying to lower the intensity of the demand or the withdrawal behavior and trying to work instead towards constructive problem-solving.
So there's one study I found is fascinating. So they wanted to figure out if they could tell which happy relationships would eventually break up. So the researchers observed newlyweds discussing personal goals and minor relationship issues in the lab, and they analyzed their words, their tone, and their body language. So even among happily married couples, those who later divorced showed some early warning signs—some negative communication behaviors. And over 10 years, just these subtle differences predicted which marriages would last and which would fall apart. So these important behaviors are echoed in other studies. So here's the takeaway: what you're looking for in your partner—if they are the one—then you want them to do less of the following negative behaviors: criticizing, dismissing concerns, withdrawing, or showing contempt. And you want them to do more of these positive behaviors: warmth, curiosity, and self-fidelity. I found that to be like a really good way of remembering all these complicated ideas and science. If you want to be the one for somebody else and you want to keep your relationship strong long-term, then just remember this: both of you cultivate more warmth, more curiosity, and more self-fidelity—more positive behaviors, less negative behaviors, especially when there's conflict or disagreement.
Now moving up the list, number four: the fourth strongest predictor of relationship quality can be identified by asking yourself to rate this statement from 0 to 10: "Our relationship makes my partner very happy." So I love this one being so close to the top because it speaks to the inherently social nature of humans. I can't be happy in this relationship if you're unhappy in it. That's a nice reminder since we sometimes get cultural messages about how, like, relationships are just transactional, yet we constantly find in the research that we care how other people feel and we want people we care about to be happy. So one important sign of connection—and dating—is that we're emotionally impacted by what the other person is feeling. If you're dating someone and they seem like unaffected or shut down in response to your emotions, that's a sign of disconnection. So if you're not sure where your partner falls with this, I'd recommend asking—like, always. It's nice to hear it said directly, and we want to know if there are issues; it can help us actively and constructively take action to improve them. When I was young and I sensed somebody I was dating wasn't happy personally, I'd be afraid they'd get more unhappy if I had them talking about it. So instead, I would try to guess what the problem was and, like, come up with some solution. It was generally pretty unsuccessful because my mind-reading skills were very undeveloped, obviously. Now I'm telepathic. So I'm sure we've all heard the phrase, "Happy wife, happy life," and it feels great to be with someone who's happy to be with us. But on the flip side, there is no end to the amount of torture to be experienced when you're with somebody you can tell is unsatisfied with you. Some of us get stuck in limbo, dating people who are not clearly into us but are also not completely uninterested. We get stuck in the maybes, and this can be a source of a lot of wasted time and analysis and angst—overthinking. So remember, they're only the one if you're the one. Okay, this "happy wife, happy life," um, "happy husband, happy happy spouse, happy house"—this idea, this "happy spouse, happy house" idea—this doesn't mean that we should suppress our needs and try to fake some positivity, try to manage our partner's emotions and do a bunch of people-pleasing. That's not going to work. We need you to have your own self-fidelity in general. Instead, we want you to focus on finding the people that really want to be with you and are happy being with you. Again, to some extent, people that fit well with us will be more satisfied, and people who are more satisfied with life in general have been shown to be more satisfied in their relationships. So this means if you sense they aren't happy, like, it may not really be about you; maybe it has more to do with their own struggles. But if you want to work on increasing your partner's relationship satisfaction—and like, like who doesn't, right? We all should. Like, who's like, "No, I'm good; they're plenty happy"—like, tone it down. We all want to do this, right? So do those positive behaviors from the previous section: being warm, being actively engaged, directly communicating. If you do it, they will tend to reciprocate and mirror that. But I'd also recommend focusing on a specific type of behavior that's been strongly linked to relationship satisfaction and that really highlights that mutual emotional connection humans have. It's all about how we respond to our partner, and it's a cornerstone of the social connection model: focus on being great at the skill of responsiveness, which just means when they share, we pay attention; we show understanding, care, and validation. If your partner seems quiet or upset, you might say, "Hey, you seem a bit off today. Um, do you want to talk about it, or would you rather just relax together for a bit?" So this shows you notice their emotions, you respect their space, and you're offering support without, like, demanding it, and you make them feel cared for. So when we're attuned to our partners in these ways, they feel good; they become more open and vulnerable over time since they feel safe and they feel connected. So research suggests that how you respond when your partner specifically shares good news is surprisingly important. If they say, like, "Oh, I just got a promotion," saying, "That's amazing! I knew you'd get it; you've worked so hard. Let's go celebrate!" That shows enthusiasm and support and that strengthens your connection. But in contrast, if you were to say, like, "Oh, cool. Did you, um, get my groceries for me?" Well, this ignores their excitement; it makes them feel unimportant, and research shows that this enthusiastic acknowledgement of a partner's successes boosts relationship satisfaction, while these dismissive responses weaken our closeness. So basically, an easy boost here is simply celebrate their wins and don't rain on their parade. Okay, that was number four. Let's talk about our next, even more powerful predictor.
The next question you want to ask yourself is this: How satisfied are you with the quality of physical intimacy in your relationship? Importantly, this isn't asking what you're doing with your partner or how often or for how long or anything like that, because there's no specific rules, right? Because people are individual in their interests and their desires. Instead, the focus here is on how satisfied you are with the current state of affairs. Why is this a big deal? After all, it's got to number three on our list of the most important predictors of relationship quality. Well, the science is pretty interesting because it points to a reinforcing cycle between emotional closeness and physical intimacy. When partners feel connected, there tends to be more physical intimacy, which makes sense. But what's really fascinating is that physical intimacy, in turn, seems to drive emotional connection and relationship satisfaction. So when this cycle is interrupted, relationship satisfaction tends to drop. Essentially, staying emotionally and physically connected both help the relationship over time. If you notice that the physical connection is stalled a little, it's a good, good idea to stop and consider whether this could be due to some kind of disruption in the psychological connection of the relationship. So we can look at it potentially as an alarm going off, warning us to look at the state of the relationship: Is there an issue getting in the way, or is someone dissatisfied? And it encourages us to invest in psychological intimacy, self-disclosure, responsiveness, and all those positive communication behaviors we discussed before. Some other research suggests that affectionate touch can also play a strong role here; it is also associated with an increase in various types of psychological and physical intimacy, and it can be a way of nurturing your connection that is a bit less intense.
Okay, perhaps you already get this idea that physical intimacy can help drive connection from your own experiences. The idea is that desire is strong early on in the relationship because it's operating as a mechanism which encourages a pair bond. But over the course of time, the system kind of retreats, and then attachment and care systems take over. So relationships can become less intensely physical and more companionate, but it appears worth nurturing that physical intimacy over the long term since it's so closely connected with relationship satisfaction. A self-expansion theory can give us one intervention we can use to keep desire burning long-term. Basically, the research indicates that finding new, exciting things to do with your partner seems to trigger a boost in passion. So perhaps learning a new skill together, exploring unfamiliar places, engaging in adventurous experiences—just doing pleasant things isn't enough, cuz they have to be challenging in some way or involve growth, and you have to do them together. This is important to keep in mind because it's very easy to relax into a relationship and just do the same, like, nice pleasant things all the time. This is great, but it's also easy for that to kind of start to drift into boredom if that's all you do. You both want to grow within the relationship. So, for example, Hope and I have a rule that we have to do one novel cultural experience each week. So this might be visiting a new neighborhood we haven't been to or, like, going to an event and trying to meet people together, or a lot of times going to experimental shows or art or movies. Sometimes the event itself is, like, a bit of a miss, but we always enjoy the experience and sharing and reflecting on it.
Okay, I know getting to this topic can feel a little sticky for some people, but I like the framework from Laura Vales and her colleagues about how to thoughtfully respond to each other's desires. So they frame this as listening to and trying to accommodate each other's needs if possible, but still respecting everyone's safety and everyone's boundaries. On to number two: try rating how much you agree with this statement from 0 to 10: "I feel very lucky to have my partner in my life." The more you appreciate your partner, the happier you are in the relationship. But this may not work in the way that you're imagining. So have you ever been with someone, and as you start to get closer and more connected, you start to see all these wonderful qualities they have—perhaps you didn't realize they were so great, so kind, so attractive—or perhaps you get to know them and you just start to love them more? Maybe you used to be into something else, but now you realize, "No, they're my type." Yes, I'm sure they're awesome, but there's probably also something called the positive illusion mechanism kicking in as you form this connection. Basically, we naturally see our partners in an idealized way, believing that they're more attractive, kind, compatible, or whatever than they might objectively be, especially when we feel connected to them. I always found it hilarious when I'd come across attractiveness research that essentially said, "You are mistakenly thinking your partner is better-looking than they are," but it makes sense. So long-term relationships are hard, and our brains have a built-in system to reinforce commitment, helping us stay close by making our partners seem like the best choice. So it's kind of like the "better than average effect," where people believe that they're above average, even when there's no evidence for this. This bias extends to dating: "I'm awesome; therefore, whoever I date is also awesome." So this system works strongest in satisfying relationships. One, one way you might notice it is when you compliment your partner and they're like genuinely surprised or they even, like, disagree with you. I know in my relationship, Hope often sees me more positively than I see myself—like, it feels great. And the research suggests that this kind of idealization is actually the sign of a healthy relationship. But even better, when you feel idealized by your partner, it often makes you want to, like, live up to the way that they see you, and then this, in turn, strengthens the relationship even more. But start paying attention if you ever find that the opposite process starts occurring, you know, like, where all the things your partner used to do that were cute and endearing start to seem annoying or, like, inconvenient things start giving you grief. Especially pay attention if suddenly everything they do irritates you—like, "How did I never notice how loudly he chews food?" Well, it's not that, like, he's suddenly annoying and he hasn't just learned some new chewing system; it's actually probably a sign that your brain's natural relationship-preserving system—these positive illusions—has started to fade. So instead of assuming that, "Oh, it's just the end of the honeymoon phase," instead take a step back: Is something else affecting how you see your partner? We, of course, all have a bunch of imperfections or, at least, things that our dating partners, like, won't be into as generously as we might be. These imperfections or quirks will always exist, and our appreciation of our partner will depend a bit on how we look at these. So I was talking to someone recently who said that openly talking about these imperfections and then choosing to demonstrate acceptance and compassion is one of the keys to their happy marriage. On the flip side of this, there is criticism, which is one of those really negative behaviors from the beginning. It is very, very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of criticism and nagging, and it really makes us dissatisfied in our relationships. So if you notice that you're scoring lower on, on the partner appreciation question, then treat this as a relationship alarm. Look at what leads you to not appreciate them as much and consider how negative these things are. So some behaviors are obviously reasons to consider leaving the relationship; others are things that you can work on together, and then again, others are things that are, like, really not that big a deal or they cannot be changed, in which case you can work instead on your reaction to them. If you decide maybe you're being too harsh, you want to work on it; you can take a two-step approach where you try to practice kindness and compassion to these imperfections, and then, on the other hand, identify, appreciate, and express all the positive qualities you see—like what you like and admire about them. Whatever we focus on gets bigger and brighter, and it tends to lead to the mirroring and giving you more of this complimentary stuff, too, um, and that helps the relationship.
Okay, now on to the number one scientific predictor of relationship quality. Let's see if it's what you're expecting. Okay, rate this on a 0 to 10 scale: "My partner wants us to be together for the long term, no matter what rough times we encounter." The number one predictor of your happiness in the relationship is your perception of how committed your partner is. I can tell you this makes sense for anybody who has been in a relationship with a commitment mismatch, because this topic comes up a lot. I think it's worth naming what commitment means. So the things we tend to think of—like saying, "I love you," introducing to friends, or, like, defining the relationship—these are the visible markers of commitment. But I like to think about it from a psychological perspective: commitment is seeing yourselves as a couple with a future and acting accordingly. If you see this relationship as your long-term future, then you will naturally and organically invest in it, and it'll affect the choices that you make. You are picking a path, and you are happily heading down it. People who are lower on scores of commitment are unsure that this is the right relationship for their future—like, there is a path, but they're not convinced they should head down it. So as a result, they'll hold back, delaying, keeping their eye on, like, other options, gathering more info, and they'll know exactly where their emergency exits are. One goal, understandably, is to not put themselves into a position from which getting out becomes difficult. People who are highly committed, to the opposite, they voluntarily remove other options to invest in just one. So I remember listening to Jon Stewart—from The Daily Show—talk about commitment or, like, maybe marriage about 15 years ago, and it has stuck with me all that time. So my memory of it is that he said something like, "It wasn't that you were guaranteeing you would never break up, but you were guaranteeing you wouldn't just suddenly disappear. Like, if times are difficult, you were guaranteeing you would try to work on it; you try to work it out." And I think that guarantee is really stabilizing. I think commitment isn't a symbol or a token or a prison; it's this communication that you're not going to just up and leave suddenly. You want to stay; you value the person enough to stay, and we can rest in the solidity of that. And in this way, your partner's commitment leads to safety and trust and allows for your happiness. On the other hand, if we believe the person we're with isn't committed, for many of us, it, it's hard to relax—like, it's hard to invest in the relationship; it's hard to fully reveal yourself; it just, like, doesn't feel stable enough. I don't want to give the impression that low commitment is inherently bad; commitment happens at a different pace for different people, but just I want you to know that if you're dating someone who's low in commitment, it is, is statistically more likely that the relationship will break up. You will likely have an intuitive sense of how committed your partner is—like always, you can practice self-fidelity and ask them about this. However, like, you may not always get accurate information since the idea of lower levels of commitment is to keep your options open. Obviously, people can be sometimes misleading about their intent because they don't want to have to choose on the spot. So definitely ask and be compassionate in discussing information that may come up. A lot of us have commitment issues, but there are also some signs that you can look for. So each of these is an evidence-based indicator—so behaviors that have been documented to be more common in people who have higher levels of commitment. So look out for these: people who are more committed to their relationship: one, use more plural pronouns. This means they regularly use the words, like, "we," "us," and "our" when talking about the relationship. This reveals an unconscious processing of the relationship status, focusing on the couple rather than the individual. Two, they have more positive illusions about their partner and about the quality of their relationship. So this might come out in talking about how good your relationship is in comparison to other relationships because they actually see it that way, and they're actively dismissing the idea of alternatives. So this acts to protect the relationship. Three, they make choices that benefit the relationship rather than focusing on themselves. This often shows up as being happy to make sacrifices rather than being selfish or, like, grudgingly sacrificing and letting you know about it. You can think about this as investing in the relationship as a long-term benefit—a long-term payoff. This behavior reveals someone who sees the relationship as a long-term good investment, so they don't mind giving up things in the present. Okay, four, they are more forgiving and understanding when we screw up in some way—like, if you're in it for the long term, then you care about your partner and you want to figure things out through the rough patches. So they tend to be more constructive in dealing with your problems, and they want to work on it when they're not feeling satisfied or happy. Basically, they want to figure things out. Research on growth mindset in relationships shows that couples who believe they can work through challenges and improve the relationship over time tend to be more satisfied and more resilient. As well as asking yourself, "Is this the right person and is this the right relationship?" try asking, "How can we grow together?" If you want to keep developing your social and relationship skills, then watch this video next.