Terrible Lives of Mormon Wives…

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Welcome back to the Papa Meat channel. How you doing? How you doing? Come in sundown because today we're talking about Mormons. More importantly, Secret Lives of Mormon Wives season 2. Oh, that all just went on Hulu like a week ago and it's the number one watch show on Hulu right now. So, you know me. I love talking to you about shows that are terrible. And this one is no different, my friends. For people that don't know, we talked about the first season last year by this time. September of last year. Wow. And we're back already. Here we are.

The first season's pretty much propped up on a bunch of women on Tik Tok, a part of a group called Mom Talk, where it came out that one of them, their leader, Taylor, they were swinging, but then you find out this season that they weren't. I mean, like they were basically kissing and they were just liking each other. You were soft swapping. Parallel play. That's what it was. Cuz you were with your own partner. Oh, that's true. Yeah. They weren't they weren't swapping. Yeah. You're not swapping. It's a watered down version of swinging. It doesn't matter. It's a bunch of dumb [ __ ] that get together and they dance and they call it women empowerment. It's awesome.

But before we get into it, we need to go through the list of characters again. We have Jesse, Macy, Michaela, Taylor, Whitney, Demi, Jen, Miranda, and we have Leila. And real quick, we have this new board back here. I also want to say this is all sponsored by Swig. Thank you so much to Swig for sponsoring this, which is if you're a full-fledged mental degenerate who likes to put cream inside a soda, go here and wait in line with all the other Mormon trash that goes there. Awesome. M yum.

And then so what we're going to do here is based on all the women because Mom talk is all about female empowerment. I'm going to rank them up on the board now because I love empowering women that way. And I'm just going to kind of place them from where I remember they were last season. And then as we talk about this new season, we'll kind of just rate them as well. And back here, this is the proudly sponsored by Swig board. Basically, it's people burning in hell at the bottom here. And that also moves all its way through hell up through Swig Canyon all the way up to Jesus Christ himself. Ai Jesus up there. Is that AI? No. He looks like Cambodian or something. That's what Jesus looked like. There it is. That's what Jesus look like.

So, first person up is Ila. Does she even say a word? She gets divorced in the first season, so therefore she should already be in hell for that. I mean, honestly, Ila, forgettable turd. I'm going to go ahead and say eight. Who's my least favorite from last season? Probably Whitney, right? I probably put Whitney at the bottom cuz she's a dog. She's a dog of a woman who dances next to her sick children. It's awesome. Yoink. Welcome to hell, [ __ ]. Oh my god. Wait, we have a I forgot we have a new one up here, huh? Miranda. Miranda, the the prettiest of all the girls, dare I say. That's empowering. That's worth a Tik Tok dance right there. That Miranda is by far the hottest. Jyn Affleck. She goes to Chip and Dales and her husband abuses her in the first season. That's pretty funny. Now, do I put points off of her for that or does that give her points? Give her points. She's a sweetheart. We'll say middle of the road. She's middle. I'll say middle of the road. What? She was kind of just forgettable. She was there. She wasn't there. Later in the season, she's just like, "My my husband Zach, he has to go to medical school and he got mad that I went to Chip and Dales and got the men rubbed up on me." So, whatever. Demi Demi. Oh, yeah. De. They're all just so forgettable. I'm going to put Demi at seven. Taylor, she's the biggest of them all. You know what? She's one of the OGs. You got to got to put her at number two. Michaela, she has a disgusting skin condition. She has butterfly skin and she looks tired all the time. She should smile more. It make her a lot more pretty. So, I'm going to put her I'm going to put her six. Macy. I liked Macy. I liked Macy a lot. Three. Jess is 32 years old, but she looks like she's 56. Therefore, is a four. So, this is a ranking. This I'm just This is a blind ranking right off the cuff. As we talk about the series, though, this all may change. All right. We will address the board as it comes. But as it is, Miranda the new flower. She's the most beautiful little princess of them all. She's so beautiful. See her on camera.

Okay, well, we we I use this platform to boost women because you know me historically. Hi. Listen, I love women and I'm a huge advocate for feminism. And that's what mom talks about is about feminism. It's not about outcasting unattractive women and putting them on a pedestal and broadcasting your life to desperate women in a religion to profit for yourself. It's not about that, right? It's about motherhood and sisterhood. All the other single moms out there and all the regular moms who didn't have good genetics and all that stuff and rich families and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. I mean, it's about sisterhood. It's definitely about sisterhood because every woman, if you don't look like that, you have a problem. Mom talk.

Also, real quick, swig break. Swig break. Everyone take a swig of your swig. It's like goop. Okay, good goop. Pretty much when we started this, I made Harry, Nick, and Jacob all watch the season 2 in one day, and it was awesome. We were all talking, laughing, dancing, and I think that we all got a little more effeminate, right? Not from the women, but from all the extremely gay husbands. All of them are gay. Every single one of them. If you think they're not butt [ __ ], you're wrong. So, let's talk about it. But first, swig break. God, it's just like it's refreshing. Really? Yeah.

Also, all the episodes are based off of books. So, in season two, the first episode is called The Book of Revelations. Yay. Christian themes. Wig break. God damn. Look at all these Mormon weight. This is just for pop. Yeah, this better be some like life-changing Dr. Pepper for this [ __ ]. This isn't embarrassing. I feel embarrassed being in this line. They look identical. They look disgusting.

Three big things happen this episode. The first being the introduction of the newest member, Miranda. She's easily the hottest woman to exist on the show. Man, but her voice, what a smoke show. Yeah, but she does sound kind of like a She kind of does sound like a bro. I've always wanted to resolve it with just Taylor because it's like just because of how effeminate all the guys sound. This place looks nice. Isn't it cute? Yeah. And so the girls will be like, "Oh my god, Miranda's coming. She looks hot." And then you have Dakota and the other guys being like, "Oh my god, what is she?" That's so weird that she's here. We should go river fishing today. We should get We should get some big fish from the river today. We're meddling men. What a But the episode starts out with the girls coming in one at a time because they're just like, "Remember us? We're dainty little princesses." And they come in and they're going to a cowboy pillow event for Halloween. It's basically in someone's front yard where they're just like, "Yeah, we're throwing this event and we have a mechanical bowl swig break." And in case if you're wondering, yes, Mormons do celebrate Halloween even though a lot of people think it's satanic. So, that's kind of you got to watch out girles. But the girls talk about the Mormon church not approving of mom talk and how they will fight anyone that talks [ __ ] on mom talk. Aka a 14-year-old boy could come up and punch her directly in the face and they would be able to do nothing about it. Sorry, don't put that in. Just saying. A 12-year-old Puerto Rican child could just like bust her teeth out of her mouth. You better not talk [ __ ] on mom talk. Boom. Whitney shows up. She's fat as well. She's pregnant, but And if you remember from the last season, Whitney is no longer a part of Mom Talk. Oh my god. So, people are like, "What's she doing here?" And it's that kind of thing. This goes on for about 20 minutes. That's the bulk of the episode, but she says everyone has sticks up their butts and the fame has gotten to their heads, which obviously she's uh put in for like immediate drama. Like she's, you know, she's like, I why are people being so weird to me? I'm just a Come on. I just want to empower women, the sisterhood. But this is when Miranda shows up, who looks like an exact clone of everyone else, except she has the deepest voice out of everyone. I'm like, Taylor, girl, we've got to get you out of 2022. Yeah. And somehow it's pretty hot. She's one of the original Mom talk members before leaving the group over the soft swinging scandal where everybody was sucking at all the guys. I'm pretty sure it was literally the Mormon girls are like, "I don't know. Should we kiss? It's so weird." weird. And then their husbands were just in the other room like boom boom boom boom [ __ ] everywhere and he's just like he's like we're men. I can't believe this is so weird. Girl, stay out. Get out of here. We're going to go in this man cave and we're going to play [Laughter] billiards. But she explains that she was originally Taylor's best friend and that the two of them along with their hubbies would softsw swing together. It happened. Okay, sorry fellas. She is now trying to ride the coattails of the show success and trying to get in on that sweet moola from the group. Dude, which can you blame her? She's like, "By the way, all these dog of women here dressed up in makeup. I look the best of all of them. Why am I not getting paid? Why am I not getting paid?" The girls start grilling her about swinging scandal, but she swears that it was just kissing and touching. No sex. Except for the guys. Yeah. Miranda will go to her grave, denying that they ever had sex. We never had sex with each other. Come on. We kissed and the guys might have mushroom stamped something, but that's all we did. And she apparently has never touched a wiener. Even with her mouth. You've never touched a wiener? Never touched wiener. Not one time. A wiener. Even with your mouth. Yeah. Swig break. Swig break. Oh my god. This swig is This is like um if a dog sweat into a jar, that's what this would taste like. I like it.

Also, I just want to say I won't say exactly where we went. Put GPS locations, but all the [ __ ] little Mormon girls that worked up at the swig I went to, bunch of goddamn caddy [ __ ]. The internet was down and they basically had to come out as if like someone died at their work because all the other Mormons in line were like, "What? What? What is this?" Guys are taking off their glasses. Wait, what? What happened? I can't get my Dr. Pepper and coconut cream, but I pre-ordered it on the app. I pre-ordered on the app. I mean, you would think that hell froze. I mean, like, it was the end of days for these Mormons. Also, the line, the line, it was unbelievable. It's Dr. Pepper and coconut cream. Think of a soda and then add coconut cream. That's Swig. Thanks for sponsoring us.

Oh, I can't put that one in. Picture this. You're home alone when suddenly the worst happens. You have no one to run to, no one to yell to. You're all alone. [Music] This could have been easily avoided with the Meat Canyon Patreon, where you get behind the scenes perks, monthly stickers, and support one of YouTube's most beloved channels. Should have signed up to the Patreon. Please, for your own safety, consider signing up to the Meat Canyon Patreon.

But she apparently has never touched a wiener, even with her mouth, which is contradicting what Taylor has told them. And ooh, the girls seem skeptical on who to believe. I don't know who to believe. I like how every time, too, it's always like we really have to figure out what's going on. Like, who we who are we supposed to trust? This is mom talk. This is mom talk. It's a sisterhood. But Jesse and Demi won't let the swinging scandal go. I mean, it's so dumb. They just have to get to the bottom of it and see who's lying. But it's just who cares. Who cares? It's been years. Well, months. No, no, it's been years since the since the swinging thing. It's been years because if you don't remember in season one, it starts off and Taylor's like, "Yeah, I pretty much got fisted by everybody except Dakota. He was in the other room doing something with a guy, I think." Then Dakota like punches her in the forehead. There's like they get arrested and then it the production starts up a year after that. So the first season it's like, "Hey, let's start filming." Okay, just kidding. They're in jail or something like that. Like threw chairs and like hit the baby. Oh, she hit the baby. Well, yeah. Taylor has 15 babies and you only see one and its name is Ever True. And it looks like a bloated Cabbage Patch doll. Like if they found a dead baby in a river that was bloated, that's what it looks like. It's like It's like you're so cute. It's like Mhm. Don't talk to ever like that. Hey, don't talk to Ever True like that. This is my son, Pitch Black. His eyes are red. Well, the funny thing is they don't ever say ever true. It's like that's not right forever. That's not right forever.

But while this is going on, the second big revelation is going on during this episode. Outside of the pumpkin patch, it cuts to Jen who informs us that she separated from Zach as she moved back to Utah to be in mom talk. So the the man who was like chaining her to a radiator and beating her to death with like a [ __ ] Hooters wiffle ball bat. She's just like, "Yeah, so I got out of there. I got out of there cuz I chose mom talking sisterhood over that weirdo." But because last season, once again, Jim moved out of state so Zach could go to med school. He's just like, "I think you're going to like New York because this whole mom talk thing is just weird." Aka, he just wanted to go to like a gay village in New York. That's just I got to get out of here. This place is toxic. But wouldn't you know, the doorbell rings and guess who's there? Tiny face Zach shows up with flowers in a suitcase, ready to move back in because he's like, "Hey, so actually med school was kind of hard. So, if anything, you mind if I just do some Tik Tok dances with you and get paid by Poppy the soda company?" And Zach tells Jyn that he's leaving medical school and wants to support Jyn and Mom talk. Which is funny because last season Zach said to her face he doesn't care about her and her stupid mom talk friends. Might be the highlight of the season. It's hilarious. She's like, "So, what about Mom Talk?" He's like, "What the about it? I'm leaving you." She's like, "Oh my god, what?" He's like, "Yes, that's true. Deal with it. I'm gonna go check tonsils and I'm gonna do I'm gonna help people with their sicknesses. Prostate exams. I'm gonna give people Hey, bend over and cough. Yeah, give me get my big glove on." He comes back and he's like, actually the tests were too long. I was bored. He missed the boys. Yeah, exactly. He's like, "Where's Dakota? Where's Conrad? I want to go fly fishing. I'm going to sit at home and meet and watch that Brad Pitt movie. Meet Joe Black." It's a real movie. It's a good one. But Jyn ends up taking Zach back as long as he puts her feelings first and supports her in other girl stuff like that. I don't know, other chick stuff, bra stuff. She was on her period probably. And in order to help rekindle the relationship, Zach and Jyn go to ketamine treatment, which apparently special K is a gray area. When it comes to the Mormon church, you can't drink coffee, but by God, you can [ __ ] inject some ketamine because Jesus doesn't care about that. Zach's like, "Yeah, I feel kind of funky about this. That's kind of weird." and just like, "Yeah, I feel like Jesus probably would do." K.

And lastly, the third big highlight of the episode is Taylor meeting with Jenna to confirm that the cheating allegations between her and Dakota were real. Which we come to find out that Dakota was making out and fingering Jenna before heading to Taylor house to basically bang her. Dakota would be like, "Yeah, I guess I guess I will." Fingered Jenna and he's just like, "Okay." And then Taylor would be like, "You got to come over here and clean these pipes." He's like, "Oh, jeez. Okay." And he'd go over and have sex with her. So he was doing a little he was doing a little twostep Susan. Yeah. You know, which Taylor cries on the couch after figuring this all out. I think that she cries every episode and they do that thing that girls do where they do this. [Laughter] You got to make sure you don't mess up your makeup. You can't mess up my makeup. And then what's so funny though after every time is like they always cover their face because they're definitely not crying. I loved him. I loved him. I know. So they cover their face [Music] like and their face is so dry. There's times where they cry and then they're made like somebody will say something and then like they'll switch their emotion immediately. They're like, "Wait, what? What you say to me, cupcake?"

Okay, so this was filmed a month. Sweet break, right? This was filmed a month after the first season aired. Do you think they just recreated like them meeting up and showing? Cuz I have a feeling they already talked like months before. Yeah, dude. All this [ __ ] is so scripted and fabricated. It's so [ __ ] dumb. It really is. And also, all these story lines are made by producers in the show who are like probably talking to Zack. Hey, [ __ ] dumbass. I'm failing at school. You guys need me back for anything? Like, yeah, come back and beg for your wife back. No, no, we'll pay you. Okay, I'll be there.

But Taylor goes to visit her mom, Leanne, and they kind of look like twins. It's like, if you don't remember Leanne from the first season, she was like a little fat dwarf. And in this one, she basically has all of her skin pulled back. And it looks like if there was like a mutated chromosome missing version of Taylor, that's what she looks like. She's like, I can't. Her face is all stretched out. I can't like you're 65 and you look like a monster. She looks like a [ __ ] ghoul. And you can like tell Leanne's trying really hard, you know, to like look young and all that stuff, but even Taylor's just like, "Yeah, she looks like a freak. Her doctor [ __ ] it up. It's horrible." And even though Dakota cheated on Taylor, her mom says they should stay together. When it comes to Dakota moving out and admitting that he was lying to protect himself. Yeah, I did lie. I was always doing it selfishly to protect myself. That's what I did. Which is funny that every season so far is Dakota in his like white Tacoma. Oh yeah. Just with boxes. Lisa's like, "Well, I guess I have to get out of here. Guess it's my time to get out of dodge."

Then the episode ends with Miranda throwing a happy hour, which all the girls are invited to. Miranda made a mom talk cheese spread, which smells of desperation, and all the girls are being real big catty [ __ ] about it. The smell of desperation. Oh lord. And the girls basically just begin trauma dumping on each other and grilling into Miranda. That's episode one. How do I feel so far? I think I'm still actually totally fine with this list. hasn't changed much. Nothing's really changed. Whitney, for some reason, makes the beautiful glow of a pregnancy look disgusting. I don't know if that's rude to say. No, all I know is this. It's a It's a nice swig break. Swig break. Swig break. Uh, we have to Sorry for the ad read. We have to read it this. Can I Do we have the copy? Oh, yep. Here it is. Um, drink swig if you are a hopeless [ __ ] Mongol who loves to cavities. I mean, cheese spread and Tik Toks. Is this the right read? Uh, they have an updated one. Oh, okay. So, we'll get we'll we'll do it later then cuz this one says swig openly endorses the burning of LGB. That can't be. They want us to say is that what is that? Go to hashtag to get a discount on that can't be right. We just want that bag. Yeah. Can a man get his bag or not?

Moving on to episode two, the book of Accountability. [Music] This is the Halloween party episode, which side note, the first season aired in September, so these Hulu bastards were quick to start filming the second season based on how successful it was, which I think you find that a lot. Like I think even for Rock of Love, they filmed season 2 like two months after the first season. So, I think that's just maybe reality television [ __ ]. But goddamn, that swig's fighting back. That's getting me pretty. Yeah, I know. I can tell. Seriously, your diarrhea was unbelievable, bro. I thought he had swamp over here and he's like I was sitting on the couch and I was like, we kept walking by and I looked his his ass was dripping like he had diaper butt and I was like I thought he had like I thought he had swamp ass or something. I was like what is happening? He's like oh you can smell that. In Nick's defense, that is a daily occurrence for him up here. In my defense. In my defense. In your defense. Thanks, Jacob.

But the girls start off saying that they don't trust Miranda and that she just wants me back because it's successful. No [ __ ]. Like what? What do you What the [ __ ] do you mean? Yeah, she just wants me back in the sisterhood because or sorry, she just wants me back in the sisterhood because of how popular we are and we get to drink Poppy and Swig. It's like no duh. Is it really that egregious to be a part of a hashtag on TikTok? She's a clout chaser. Good. Admit it. Like if somebody was like, "Yes, I would like to join in. I was a part of the original crew. I'd like to come back." To me, I'd be like, "Okay." Taylor and Miranda start talking about the swinging and how Taylor led Miranda's ex-husband on by saying that she had a sex dream about him. Scandalous. After some of the girls pick out cowboy boots for whatever reason, it cuts to some of the boys in the doghouse fly fishing and trauma dumping, which it's like the funniest way I've ever seen gay guys try to be straight. They're just like, "Yeah, just out here fishing with a" and then like basically Dakota gets his line all cut up and he's like, "I can't, for some reason, I just can't get my line all weird. It's odd. You know I can't multitask, dude. Like, yeah, all the girls are being kind of weird right now. You know what, though? I'm glad we get this guy time. They went to the back of like a 2025 Ford Bronco and just like, I mean, destroyed each other. Oh, yeah. We played a game called shoots and ladders where you rub your thing. No, the Dakota keeps getting his line tangled up and can't catch a goddamn thing. And Zach decides to meet with Jesse and Demi and try to apologize. Which is really funny because he's just like, "Yeah, so I just think it's kind of weird that, you know, I just want to make sure we're on the same foot." And they're just like, "Yeah, you kind of goofed up, huh?" He's like, "Yeah, I'm so sorry about that. Um, I don't feel like that's who I am. And that's like not who I want to be. Please don't take my paycheck away. I would really appreciate to still get paid and have sex with my super hot wife."

But apparently Zach's wife Jyn was just making [ __ ] up about him like being related to Ben Affleck and gambling his med school money away. Which once again it's just who cares? Like who gives a [ __ ] If you told me you're like I'm related to Ben Affleck. I Mhm. Like why would I care if it's real or not? Well, because if it was a lie you wouldn't trust me. You say Nick's a snake. No, I wouldn't because I'd be like that doesn't matter. If you were like, "Hey, I need to use your car to do this." And then I found out that you were doing something opposite with it like that. like a road trip down to Mexico or something weird like if you're like yeah I go and I give half my paycheck to a cancer foundation and then you don't actually do that to me I'm like that's scummy and that's [ __ ] weird but you just lying and being like yeah I'm cousins with Ben Affleck first off I'd be like you're not and then even if you were I'm like that has no effect on anyone but you looking like a dumbass so who cares like that kind of thing now Jesse and Demay don't trust Jyn and think that she's a lying fake [ __ ]. Sorry girl to Jyn's credit Zach is probably just trying to save his face and not look too bad. So he's just like, "Yeah, I don't know why she's so weird and she lies so much." He does this kind of drink. He does this.

It then cuts to Zach and Jyn talking about the conversation with Jesse and Dma. And Zach basically says that they were calling Jyn a liar when she would talk about Jesse and Dama to Zach, stirring up drama between Jyn, Jesse, and Dma.

Next, there's a barbecue at Taylor's parents house, and they invited Dakota. They started getting into it at the dinner table, and Taylor's stepdad basically calls her a [ __ ] and blames her for sleeping with Dakota. You guys had seen each other three times. He came over and had sex with you. What does that say about you? It's awesome. He's like, "You're kind of a [ __ ] bitch." And she's like, "Daddy, I can't believe you talked to me like that." Then Dakota be like, "Yeah." Yeah. Dakota did. Well, Dakota's like, "Yeah, you know what? Actually, you were you were real easy. You were extremely easy, girl. Easy writer." It was like a giant open sign was on vacancy. And I strolled in and just brought my little stuff down and I just stayed and it was great and I loved it. They start ganging up on Taylor and it's it's really funny. Taylor give an inch so he could walk a mile. Just give [ __ ] two inches of sacrifice and see what he can do. And basically everyone's saying that she needs to get over it and fix her relationship. Aka, it's nice like Mormon victim blaming, like blaming the woman where they're just like, "Would you just shut the hell up and get back together with him?" And she's like, "Oh my god, my family's treating me so poorly right now. I got to vent and do some Tik Toks." But this is just like it's a very classic way. It's the only time in the season where you ever get some like real Mormon thinking, which the show uses between every break or cut. They show a Mormon temple, but that's like about it for the extent of the Mormon [ __ ] they show. But this is like the one time where they're like, "Have you been praying?" And she's like, "Yeah, oh yeah." And yeah, Dakota's like, "Ah, yeah." It's like the only thing that really gives me peace is praying. But it ends with Taylor crying and storming off. I had a good challe. I chled. We were all Jesse's going to have a Halloween party where she invites Chip and Dell dancers to test Zach and see if he uh has changed, which makes no sense. It's like being like, "Hey, my husband's an alcoholic." And being like, "You want a shot? freak. You know, it makes no sense.

Which Zach and Jyn get there early so they can talk about Zach's conversation with them. He walks in wearing a 49er shirt. Loser. Basically, what's going on is that the other girls are saying that Jyn made [ __ ] up about Zach or she wasn't telling the truth entirely about him. Once again, it's just one of those things where you're sitting there watching it. Who cares? Who cares? Swig break. Well, the problem is is that Jesse and Dei are going to have their husband's dance on Jen. Well, yeah. They're going to have the [ __ ] keeper and basically like one of the background dancers in like a Justin Timberlake video grinding on top of Jen and she's like this. Oh yeah, this is my fantasy. And you can see the other two guys are like kind of like what's funny is they grind on her but they're like really they like really keep their distance away from they're like yeah this is sexy. They like look at each other and they get all hard. Yeah. They're looking at each other. Well yeah they were like he's like grinding but he's looking at the guy. He's like you like that. you like this catcher mitt [ __ ].

Later on, back at their house, Jyn like seriously confronts Zach about saying he was related to Ben Affleck and he's like, "What the are you talking about? I'm 4'2 and my face is smaller than like Jaylen." Like, you know, small Jay Leno's face. He looks just like Jay Leno. He does. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He looks just like him. It's crazy. Jesse is basically the biggest piece of [ __ ]. She purposely invites people to her party and they have problems with each other and puts them in bad situations and she's just like, I don't I didn't think this was going to be a problem. So, she invites Jen and then she invites Dakota and Taylor and then she invites Taylor's ex-husband. Chase. Yeah. Chase, who was uh part of the swingers club and it gets it then things really start to heat up which you know what there's a lot of [ __ ] outfits. It just doesn't make any sense with this show. I would like it to be like I guess more like a freak show. just making fun of Mormons, I guess, where it's just them being like, "This is my really [ __ ] outfit." And the guy comes out and he's just like, he has like a flannel shirt on, like I'm being bad today. This is like weird. And the girls are like, "Yeah, I better show some skin." They have like a like an Amish dress. But no, they're just like the Mormon value thing makes no sense, which is just the hypocritical like nature of the entire show. But still, it is what it is. Still, the board here stays the same for me. I still feel happy with this board. Is the board going to change? The board may change. I don't know. The problem is in these shows is nothing happens except for episode 3. That's when things start heating up.

The Book of [Music] Retribution break. Can I get a dirty Dr. Pepper, please? I wish I had done things different. Hello. How you guys feeling today? Yeah, not bad. The fact that this is a thing makes me just so [ __ ] sad. Legitimately bummed myself out coming here. I'm in line at a place called Swig. That's the reason why people are [ __ ] Mormons and stuff like that too. You got to you have to [ __ ] believe that there's something better than this after this after this [ __ ] hellscape you're in. You get to go home, you're like, you drink this and then you go home and you just sit in a dark room and and contemplate putting a gun in your mouth while your [ __ ] ugly stupid kids are like, can you make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Mom, thanks. Have a good one. Se Why did I tip you? Why did I tip that?

Jesse says she regrets inviting this many people and she didn't expect there to be this many arguments. What are you even talking about, you dumbass? Chase and Demiy's husband, Brett, get into a fight because she said Chase touched her, which I just want to say. He says like, "Where's Brett?" or something. Yeah. She says, "Where's your husband?" He says, "Where's your husband?" and pokes her arm. Where's your husband? He's um upstairs. Don't touch me again. Not in like a annoying way, but just a little like, "Where's your husband?" And she's like, "Don't touch me, Brent." And then Brett comes downstairs. He's like, "Wait, what the heck? He's like, "Hey buddy, did you just touch my freaking wifey? Don't touch her." And there's like a weird like alpha thing. The crazy thing is like it looks like something that would happen that people are belligerently drunk at a party. But you have to forget that there's nothing but cupcakes, shakuderie boards, and Dr. Pepper. Everyone's sober. There's no reason anybody should be acting like this. It gets so riled up that even the police get called. They're like, "Yeah, sorry. There's a guy here and he just was being weird, but he's gone now." He's like, "Hey, my hubby really took care of me." That kind of thing. Uh, which I want to say immediately. Here it is. The board change. Oh, Whitney's moving up. That put Demi at the bottom for me. Yeah, Demy's a [ __ ] the [ __ ] push thing. Are you kidding me? Actually, you know what? I'll do this, too. You got to move Jesse, too. I [Music] am. I moved Jess down to eight cuz she threw the party. Stupid. Michaela has gross skin. So, I move Ila up. She just like the thing about Leila that I like is that she just she does nothing. She just stares like this. And to me that's funny. Michaela's skin grosses me out. Also, she's kind of just being a bit more snoody this time and give a bit more attitude. I'm like, why don't you smile more, princess? You'd be way prettier.

But the Chupenddale dancers come down and it's really awkward. where the chip and nail dancers being Brett and the other Twinkie gay Jordan come down and it's really awkward and they grind on Jyn and Zach is obviously pissed as kind of anybody would in this situation and the other girls start making fun of Zach cuz he's so upset about it. They're like, "Oh my god, look, he looks so mad. No shit." Yeah. No. This is supposed to be exposure therapy. Whatever.

But on to Halloween night. Michaela is at her sister's house making stupiding mom talk videos and talking [ __ ] about Miranda. Also, all these girls are in their mid20s to early 30s to late 60s to late 80s. Not sure. They're all old and it would be something where it almost feels like a show about 16-year-olds because with the attention span that they have of a Tik Tok audience and just because everybody looks the exact same besides Leila. They have to put their name and age up every time. Every time it cuts to them, you will see their name and age. It surprises me every time when someone's like, "Yeah, they're 32." You're like, "Yeah, they look what?" Well, also they all look I'm like 38 to 45. Too tan tan. Too tan. Too much makeup fillers. It's just like, "Oh, yeah, the sugar." And the sugar swing.

Zach and Jen are talking about the Chip andells incident on Halloween. And Jyn says she knew about it and didn't think they were actually going to do it. Then Jen is worried about how she's feeling and doesn't see why Zach is pissed off. Uh, she's as blind as a goddamn bat. No, no. Yeah. I mean, to be fair, I shouldn't have moved old Lizard back off the off the [ __ ] part there, but you know, I feel bad. I feel bad. So, she's back. Zach walks off camera because he doesn't want things to be turned around on him again because Jyn has her crazy friends. He's like, "Can we stop for a second? Can we just stop?"

After that, it cuts to Whitney giving birth to her new baby boy. The entire camera crew is invited and her husband just stares right at her vagina while the baby's coming out, which is normal, but she is like, "I've never seen a birth like that. It's okay. I have you. I have you. I have you." Usually it's legs up. She's like holding her ankles like this. And then Connor's like, "Ew. Oh yeah. He doesn't like blood." And he's like, "That's what it is." Yeah.

Taylor and Mater are at a park with their kids and they're trying to clear the air about the swinging scandal. So, they were both swinging, but they're pissed off at each other for swinging. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to me. It ruined their marriages. Well, mostly they're just like, "Yeah, well, you were you just like ran away or you ran away when I said it." And she's like, "Yeah, I was kind of scared. I guess we were swinging." Yep, we were swinging. That's seriously the conversation. You have to also know that these episodes are an hour long each. So, these little instances, these blurbs on average 8 minutes a piece. Also, all the girls either go to a park, a bakery shop, or a [ __ ] swig soda to talk about everything, and they scream and yell and stuff. And there's even people in the background who are like, "Ladies, come on in. We're just quirky Mormons."

After Michaela talks to her therapist, it cuts to Taylor and Macy visiting Whitney and her new baby and to talk things over. And Whitney wants to come back into mom talk, but I can't imagine why. Monday. Do you think she was dancing with her baby dying? I think that she should have like been twerking and just had the baby like flail out of her [ __ ] like this and just like hit the metal table and like fall on, you know? And Conor's like, "Oh, yay. This is awesome. Look at you." And the baby's like, "D." They're like, "You have to stop Whitney from twerking." She The baby is sideways. The cord is wrapped around its throat. It's like She's like, "Uhoh. Is it too late now to say sorry? Oh, and also the episode ends, Zach and Jenn are having another baby. Zach really, he's like, "Okay."

Episode 4, The Book of Taboos. Leila and her boyfriend, I think his name is Cam Cameron, whatever. You see him for two scenes in the entire series, so who cares? Or at a fair and they're talking about how he's never given her an orgasm, which all the guys at home are like, "Join the club." And what am I supposed to do? Move mountains? Swig break. Hey, exactly. Swig break. Yeah. Girl talks about having an orgasm. Um, things that are never possible for 500.

Taylor, Macy, and Michaela are at a brunch spot and talk about Taylor and Dakota's relationship. Her and Dakota are supposed to go to therapy together. And who pays for all these dinners and therapies and [ __ ] probably the producers. I don't know. It's a lot of stuff. So Macy started this thing called Sinner Sunday where people anonymously message her things that they've done and she posted online. It's [ __ ] unreal. It's like the Jerry Springer show or something. It's really weird. Someone tells her that they slept with Demay's husband last year in Italy. In Italy or something. Basically, someone gives her anonymous tip that Dama cheated on her prehistoric father time boyfriend. And then, you know, really in between every single one of these B-rolls. I'm pretty sure we said this in the first video, but they always show the B-roll is like their Tik Toks of dancing or like stupid skits to be like they're relatable, right? It makes no sense. But they kind of did that with the Gypsy Rose show. They did it with Well, the Gypsy Rose one. It's just my god. They're just like, who's talking about this? Please can we put it in because there's nothing happening, right?

But Zach goes golfing with Brett and Jordan and confronts them about the Chip and Dales dancing on Halloween. and they actually apologize and assume Zach was in in the no, which it's really funny because Zach's like, "Hey guys, I know that we're having fun hitting balls around." But um I really just had to talk to you because I just respect you guys and I think that you respect me too, but I thought it was really weird that you I thought it was extremely strange and like spooky that you would grind up on my girl like that even though you know we're like in a weird place. It almost read he's just like, "It feels weird that you're being intimate with my wife when we have this thing going on between us." And they're like, "Oh my god, Zach, listen. We would never do something to hurt you or embarrass you." All right, good. Cuz we're all just guys and we're just ping around. We're hitting the balls and like have a master's corduroy hat and I'm really into golf. That's where the balls come out. But the producers were probably pissed that there wasn't any drivers being swung upside someone's head. I mean, like they have to like they're trying to basically the producers are like, "You need to confront them." And Zach is like 4 foot2 and he's like, "I really don't want to start something cuz I feel like it's going to hit me or whatever." It just feels like the It feels so much the producers are trying to fabricate some kind of drama. There has to be some kind of conflict to give this show something to latch on to. Anything. It was the most average way a male argument would have ended. Hey, sorry about that. Really wish I probably should have done that. Okay, you guys ready to hit more bald? That was it. Versus all the women are just like, I can't believe that it just drag it on forever. I hate women. Say it loud and proud with your swig. I hate women. Swig break. I have not taken down nearly enough of that. Do you see my shadow line? I'm out. You drank all of it? Yep. that [ __ ] bathroom, dude. My septic tank is the mad decides to throw a sex party for Ila because she's never had an orgasm. Once again, it's a myth. She invites all the girls over and uh you know, I ask myself a lot of times, why can't my friends throw that for me? Why can't I have a weird party where my boys come over and I get off? Take hints. Just probably don't don't sue me. They hire a sex coach who comes in and helps them talk about their sex lives. And Taylor says that she kisses girls, but she's super straight. Yeah, I like to kiss ladies, but I ain't no It's pretty much what she says. Is that I mean, that's They're like, "Yeah, we're not we're Yeah, we're not Lesbos, right, ladies?" It's pretty much that. Literally, that's what it's I mean, am I wrong? You've kissed girls. I've never kissed a girl. Yeah, but I am so straight, too. I mean, I didn't I like did not not enjoy it, but it wasn't a turn on. Leila volunteers to be handcuffed and likes to be pretty much she likes rough play. They're whipping her and stuff and all the other girls like, "This is so weird. It's just so weird that there's a feather tick on me." Especially with all these ladies around. I'm not a lesbian. I don't eat tacos on Tuesdays. The way she said that though, it seemed like they're just like, "Okay, we're just going to end this." Cuz she's like, "Okay, I guess I kind of like it rough." Well, yeah. She just like very indecisive. She's like, "It's weird." She's like, "It's weird. I've never actually even thought about what I like." And then they're like, "So, do you like this?" Okay, that's the party.

Later on, Macy invites all the girls out to dinner to celebrate her new book deal. Macy says she's confessed everything in her new book, so she wants the girls to be anonymously write down a confession and then she'll read them out. Why? Why would you do that? Also, Macy, she's like, "This book's about my life." I'm like, "You're 29 and you live in like an echo chamber." I wrote like the darkest times of my life in here and

I was like, "One day I'm going to write a book." And so, yeah.

So, I was eight and I got gifts and cake. Chapter nine. I was nine. I learned how to swim. What a book deal. But someone writes down that Jyn is fake. Oh my god. That's uh we're at the halfway mark, ladies and gentlemen. Episode five.

Honestly, the Macy thing kind of pissed me off. Yeah, if I'm being completely honest, you know what? Ila being basically just like a cardboard cutout of a human being is making me like her more and more. Can you try? Sorry. Turn the other way. So that No, I like that. I like that my back is to it. Unironically, I think it's funny. I got to move. Oh no. No. Okay. I don't know why Taylor's getting moved that far down, but this is falling forward. Yeah, got a real tightnit [ __ ] operation here, boys. I like that. I'll tell you this right now. Putting old Lizard back up to number two is she's just kind of caddyy this season. She has a lot more personality than the first one. She's also not letting Whitney go. Like, she's kept that on a leash this whole time. Dude, I still got to say Miranda's my queen right now. Even though she hasn't been doing much. Taylor is just kind of an annoying what? But I still feel like I like Macy more than Taylor if I'm being honest. Leila, I just I can't I don't know what it is about it, but it's like if an alien decided to make a Mormon, that's what it comes out to be. And I don't know why, but I like that. So that's where we're at. I wonder the bottom deme still at number nine. Dang, you put Jen at seven. Yeah, I put Jen at seven. I kind of like that though. Actually, you know what? Really? I only like the top five if I'm being honest. Like the bottom the six through nine's rough. Jyn's annoying cuz so far in the show like Zach will just be like, "I don't know. You just lie about stuff and it's weird." And she's like, Yeah, she just cries. I just I everyone's being mean to me. I don't I don't know is that it's [ __ ] annoying. Jesse's old. So there you go. And then De is justing annoying. De is like too full of herself. I don't know that that's what the things that I'm feeling is like these like upset feelings I'm having. I'm guessing that's just how people who enjoy this kind of [ __ ] are talking about it. She's so catty. Like that kind of stuff. But to me, I'm like you're just an annoying [ __ ] Yeah, the the me is the worst. Also, I just want to say, guys, seriously, so sorry for using the B- word. We're not We're kind of using it in an empowering way, though. I'm using it in a way that empowers women. And honestly, I think that everyone would be a lot more cool and a lot more pretty if they just smiled more about it. Slay queen. Slay. Episode five, The Book of Divisions. [Music] Quick break. [Music]

I just went by a dirty soda bar called Swig in Kansas City. It's a it's a a thing called Texas Tab is what the soda's called and it's Dr. Pepper and then they justing queef coconut cream on it and then she has the audacity to ask there's a couple questions there's a couple questions on the checkout to tip it's Dr. pepper with coconut cream. And there was a It was aing mile long. $7 for a small Texas tab. What is this? Oh, he looks so cute drinking them. We continue with the cliffhers every episode that ends with the bass drop. Wait, what? What? Not every episode. Every like break. Every break. Every cut. H. Anyways, we continue with the cliffhanger and Jyn cries to Whitney and Miranda. Maybe I'm fake. Maybe I am fake. No, Jen, you're not. It's like a robot gaining a consciousness. You know what I mean? It's like I have finally seen the light. Maybe I do live in an echo chamber and I'm the same as everybody else. Whitney is having a baby shower and inviting mom talk because she needs friends. She also wants people to be in the party and everyone's like, "Cool, I'm not coming, you fat bitch." Whitney sends everyone a message, but no one besides Miranda messages her back. It's actually pretty funny. Miranda's like, "Sounds great." And no one else messages. They were together. Well, yeah, exactly. They're together doing it. She's like, "Here, I sent it." She's like, "Yeah, thanks. I hope the other girls do it." Taylor tells her ghoulish mother and her sister that her and Dakota are done, but they're still sleeping together. She's pretty much just like, "Yeah, you know, I need space, but she still comes and just fills me up every day." And they're like, "Do you think that's a good idea?" She's like, "Yeah, probably not." And she does it the entire rest of the [Laughter] season. What? Jyn's awakening made me like her more. Jyn being able to open up her eyes. I was like, there you go. Also, they keep cutting to like aing oneeyed dog, like this mutilated dead dog. And I'm like, why do you keep showing B-roll of this? Like, I don't understand. Unless she's unless the producers are like, Taylor's blind. She's blind to her surroundings. Oh my god. Huh? That's really good. I was thinking about that. Nice editing choice.

But Jesse and Da meet up for Pilates and gossip about Whitney's baby shower. They talk about how they're going to do a habachi grill date instead. They really had to reel in the racism for that, too. Like sitting there, you almost like saw her like put her hands up like that and start to move her eyes. She's like, you know, one of those girls that and then that cuts. I didn't notice that. Yeah. I don't know. One of Well, I'm joking. But um yeah, I didn't see her do that. That's how believable it is. Instead of working out, they just sit there and talk [ __ ] on Jyn and call her a liar, which there's like a trainer in the background and they're probably like, "Okay, I mean, you paid for like the hour and a half, 2 hours, so do whatever you want." But they're like literally on a Potty machine. They're just like, "We should just get that like weird samurai food." That's really what they're saying. They're like, "Yeah, we should watch Rush Hour tonight also, but the censored version or the director's commentary." You're like, "You guys know how to have fun." Zach and Jyn argue over mom talk again and Zach sips his soda and eats goldfish when he tells Jyn that mom talk is horrible and all they do is talk [ __ ] on each other. Like that's crazy. This is so weird. Which is funny cuz it really every time someone's like mom talks is bad. You guys just talk [ __ ] on everybody. I'm like that's every female friend group ever. Seriously, name one friend group where someone has something nice to say behind the scenes to their face. They're like, "Oh my god, it looks so good. This is so funny." And then behind the scenes is just horrible. My girlfriend group never talks [ __ ] You're not allowed around women. Not since the court case. Remember Jesse and Jyn meet up at sweet treats to hash things out. It's just nothing buting bakeries and places where they're like, "No coffee, just chocolate milk and cupcakes. Thanks." I have to stay razor sharp. Jesse calls out Jyn for being a liar and they start to get into a cat fight. While they're fighting, a waitress comes around and gives them their not even their fraps. They gives them basically just sugar milk and they're like, "Oh my god, thank you. Thanks. It's just like basically milk with chocolate and steamed cream. The conversation ends with Jyn saying, "We're not going to swing with you." And the conversation ends, but it's also just like, "What the are you talking about, Jyn? You smooth brain like Neanderthal." It's like that was years ago, which just seems it's such like a weird callback. And also, we're not going to swing with you. And she like quickly turns around and leaves. If you're asking to swing with us, it's a no. And I'm done with this conversation. We don't want to have this conversation. Guess what, dude? Way to go, you stupid [ __ ] Good job. It was unbelievable. I see hypocrisy. She is folding in on herself like a goddamn neutron star. Like anytime she's like, I can't handle this. I'm like, talk about someone who has never had any adversity in their life. That's that is the epitome of what this board is. People who have never had to have any real struggle at all, ever. But my boyfriend died, who cares? And guess what, guys? Mom talk is caving in on itself. The hashtag may run dry. Whitney, Macy, and Michaela meet up at Sunshine Buns. Another bakery with cookies. Michaela makes a safety word and calls Macy who is outside. Basically, they go there and Michaela's like, "I'll stay in the car, put your phone on speaker, and then we'll say sisterhood as the safe word in case she needs to come in and I guess shoot the barista in the face." I don't really know what the Why couldn't she just be there from the start? I'm not sure. Who cares? But she accidentally mutes Michaela like a It's just so dumb. What she also is just a producer note muted so she can't hear or act like he can't hear. And they cut to uh her in the car and she's like, she's like, "That's weird. That's weird. I'm surprised she hasn't messaged me yet." Michaela tells Whitney that she's not her friend and will continue to make videos about her, which once again kind of a power move. It's the one time in the show someone's like directly to someone's face, I don't like you. You're so delusional and you think that everyone's always coming for you. If I want to make videos about you, I can do that because you're not my friend. At least it's honest. She's like, I mean, if we're in person, I'm not gonna be a dick, but I have no reason to be your friend. Pretty good. Play. Oh, I was not expecting this. The I have got to tell you, Lizard Back is like she's the best part of the season so far. She's the only person, first off, in a female friend group about women empowerment. She is the only person that's actually standing up for herself and also like what it means to be like a better like female friend and all that stuff. The only person in the whole season is Lizard back. That's it. You got [ __ ] Rango up there teaching everybody how it's done. I just wish she smiled more. Listen, if she smiled more, oh, she'd be out of this castle freak situation. Telling you. But the poor person in the background that's listening to Whitney and Michaela argue is so funny. It's like a person with like AirPods on and they're just like they have like a where's Waldo shirt? Yeah. It's like it really is like a weird Where's Waldo thing where I'm like this whole area is like just filled with cartoon characters. That's all it feels like. Michaela says her safe word three times sisterhood, but Macy doesn't hear it. So basically she just leaves Whitney at Sunshine Buns and Whitney's like okay. She cries and she's like oh my god she was my best friend. It's like you have no idea what friendship even is. You're so delusional. What's crazy about this too that's different from other reality shows is that yes, it's all scripted. I know it's scripted, but the actual real social implications that these women have on Tik Tok affects actual people versus like if you had like a reality show contestant. I don't think they have as much poll as someone who like oh I follow their Tik Tok. I like watch their updates. So it just seems it's just cruel. It's like just like it'sing malicious and disgusting. I don't know. It's emotionally manipulating people to like basically over some I don't know. It's whatever Whitney's whatever. But it's basically just uh I don't know what it is about it, but watching millennial women cry is just like it's just wonderful. I mean, just the whole like watching millennial women cry like at a bakery because someone says they don't want to be their friend is chef's kiss. Really got to give the producer credit for that one. Also, Whitney's at the bottom. Welcome back to hell, [ __ ] Taylor and Dakota talk and Taylor tells Dakota that it's been a month since he moved out. that things haven't changed. No [ __ ] Probably because you're getting [ __ ] down by him every chance you get. Yeah, it's kind of weird. We're not seeing any change in our relationship. He's like, "Yeah, it's weird. There's no change." Sweet break. Swig break. Dakota tells Taylor that he's like, "I don't want anything but you, baby. Come on." But she's not having it. And then uh Dakota says, "Our situation is the worst situation ever." He's just so gay, isn't it? It's like the gayest thing you could say. This situationship is disgusting. This is so crazy. Okay, I need a regular Coke. Not even Coke Zero could handle this. Ever true starts crying. Remember that's their baby's name. He's basically choking on his own vomit in the background from another room, which no one really cares. They're just kind of like, I don't know, leave him to die. He's like the baby in train spotting. And then we cut to Whitney's baby shower. She has rabbits for some reason. He's like, "Yeah, come pet rabbits." Every shot has Connor in it, but he looks dead inside. He looks like he's missing somebody that he truly loves. Some guy probably in downtown Salt Lake who like runs like a leather shop or something. I don't know. Jyn comes to the shower and we learn that Ila was the one who wrote the note that Jyn is fake. Oh my. Taylor, Macy, and Miranda show up to support Whitney. Oh, the tides are changing, fellas. But cut to the Habachi grill. Basically, what the other girls are doing, and the girls try to eat shrimp that is thrown into their mouth. It's so quirky and funny. and definitely doesn't maybe want to take a They talk more [ __ ] about Jyn and call her a liar. Surprise, surprise. That's crazy. Jesse talks about how she used to swing when she was way younger. You're 32. Yeah, I was way younger. I I seriously believe she's like 46. And she's like, "Yeah, I'm 32. Don't mind me." Well, it's funny cuz Jesse and Demi the entire time was like, "We need to get down to the bottom of the swinging thing." Like making it a huge deal when it's like you [ __ ] did that. They keep bringing it up and it's like it's dead man. Yeah, who cares? Move on. It's clear they only have like two things. They only have so many conflicts. So, it feels like the only thing that makes them look better is bringing up this thing that no one else actually cares about in the past. It just feels so stupid. But we cut back between the habachi dinner and the baby shower with each group of women talking [ __ ] about each other. It's draining. This is by far probably the heaviest episode to get through so far. It's just nothing but just meaningless conversations the whole time. Even the editors couldn't conjure up gold with this one, dude. Also, and Macy says this. She says, "If Jyn talks [ __ ] I will dominate her. If she comes in below the belt, I will absolutely dominate." Oh, that's surprising for Macy. Lizard back is a fan favorite right now. Episode 6, The Book of Redemption.

Whitney and Jen meet up. Jyn talks about how she's depressed and starts to cry in Whitney's arms. And this is when, by the way, basically from here on out, you don't see Jyn anymore. Because she's like, I'm pregnant and sad. I can't. And even the camera crew is like, I cannot stay here. It's too depressing. Yeah, Jyn says she's contemplating unaliving herself. Winnie tries to cheer up by bringing her sweet treats. She's like, "Do you want Fruit Loops?" Because, yeah, we also see that Jyn ate a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Like, the only thing she's done is like basically create a hamster cage in her room and she's been eating Fruity Pebbles. And Zach, he's like, "I don't even care." like, "Yeah, she can sleep on the floor in there. I have a king-sized bed that I'm having sex with men in. I don't care." This is the compad now. Everyone but Jen goes to Scottdale mom talk trip and they take a stripper bus. Oh, and let me tell you, it's crazy. All the girls tell Whitney to calm the down and stop spazzing out on the stripper pole cuz she's looks like aing monster. And when they arrive to the villa, it's absolutely gorgeous. And of course, the fridge is stocked with poppy soda and sweet treats. I love Poppy. I wonder if this episode's sponsored by Poppy. I wonder Hey, I wonder who who gave money to the show. Swig break. We actually do have to do another Swig ad read. Sorry, they make us do this. This is a Swig Patreon exclusive, actually. Oh, is this the Swig Patreon exclusive? So, you sign up for our Patreon, you get to see the exclusive Swig ad. [Music] Listen, you know, you have to kind of like do these ad reads from here and, you know, here and there, but Winnie tells everyone that Jyn is pregnant and they all [ __ ] on her. Band-aid baby. Band-aid babies don't heal anything. Like, duh, dude. That's so Mormon coded, too. I have a problem. Well, better have a baby. The girls get dressed for dinner and sip some dirty poppy drinks. Probably coconut cream. Swig break. The back of my throat is like numb. It's just so much syrup. Yeah, my teeth are coated. And your [ __ ] Oh, yeah. with your It's going to slide right out. I know for a fact when you fart, dude, it's going to be heinous. Yeah, like a vase that's been in a kiln. It's that kind of thing. It's like glazed over and [ __ ] They do another truth box, which for some reason they do when they're just like, "We don't have any conflict, so let's just have someone read a hurtful thing to someone." Jesse is self-proclaimed drama instigator and she's a dumb because she just Well, we can't say that cuz it'll be dumb. Basically, Jesse pretty much the whole time is just starting drama for no reason. It just is so forced and cringe, man. And she's at eight. That's fine. Should we take Jen off? She's above the [ __ ] beluga whale. Well, Jyn's still in it. Yeah, we have we have movie dick Jesse Dma. My boyfriend died in a car crash. I cry over everything. [ __ ] cut out woman, perfect goddess, and lizard back. God, Miranda, you know what? Yeah, let's let's fix that. Even after just sitting there looking at again for a while, I'm like, why did we ever why do we ever move that one away? Huh? My word. Good for you. It looks so fitting, too, having her next to Jesus up there as a left hand. Yeah. Yeah. I do not agree with that. I feel like Ila should be worse. But Ila does nothing but look at the camera like this. She called Jen a liar. Yeah. And now Jyn's been in a room in a hamster cage eating Fruity Pebbles and like letting Zach get [ __ ] down by guys. I think to me I'm like power move. I like it. One of the questions is asking Jesse if Jordan had a small dick. And Jesse whips out a picture of his [ __ ] and shows it to the girls. She's like, "See, I gave him a little rubbing tug and it's 8 in chubbed up." They're all grossed out. Cool. Yeah. Well, that's what they say. Ew. But they're also like m I'd love to ride that pogo stick. 8 in. Right there. Amen. Amen. Ila reads a letter of the rumor that Dema's husband cheated on her, which they played this throughout the season and then it's dropped instantly. I don't know. It's It's from another show called Vanderpumps. Whatever. No, that's that's Jesse. So, this is a completely different thing. This is a different God. Who? I don't know. Brett, the father time is basically saying that he's cheating on Dma. They talk about how Demma wanted Jesse to be kicked off the show for more money, which I got to say that was like what? Greedy little [ __ ] God damn. That's why. Yeah, the mana needs to be thrown in hell. No. Got to move Porky Pig up. See, now you got me second guessing Ila. I hate Ila. I hated her. She had nothing to do last season. So now I feel like she has to like stir drama. No. Okay. Just because Ila goes down. Shut up. Miranda does not. You wanted to get Taylor up there. Well, Taylor, at least so far this season, I would say right around episode 5, she starts she gets out of like the I don't know about Dakota cuz it's like whoing cares now. She's taking control a bit. See, that's why Michaela's up there. And now Taylor's kind of even being like I'm standing up for myself. Is she a sweet baby beautiful princess like Miranda? I don't think so. I ain't afraid of no ghost. Whitney's pumping her milk also the entire time. Every She's got her little [ __ ] pump under her. Yeah, she has her pump under her shirt and she's just like, "Yeah, I bet you it's like half and half, too. It's not even like milk. It's likeing butter and cream and shit." With the amount of sugar they drink. It's milk and soda. It's whipped cream. Yeah. Coconut cream. It's coconut cream. The next day, Whitney confronts Macy for her pushing back about not going to the baby shower last season. And all the girls put their ears to the door cuz they're all just like, "What's going on? This is crazy." which Whitney and Macy cry together, which it's also just like Whitney is so delusional. I do like Macy. I like Macy, too. Macy's not bad. She's also just like, "This was my moment you made about yourself." And Whitney's like, "What do you mean the world revolves around me? I can't comprehend anything outside of myself." Which is also very Mormon coded because you get a planet when you die. Oh, that's true. Not bad. Well, not the broads, the boys. Yeah. And you get a hundred virgins. Was that Mormons? Really? Question. Could they be boys instead? Do I have to have girlies or can I get boys? They never said virgin women. They just said exactly loophole. Just like them vaping when they come. Macy at four feels fair. No. Yeah, that's that's I like Macy after that scene. I think you swap Ila and Jen, but that's just my opinion. Jyn has done nothing this season. She's a sweetheart. When they come back to the table, Michaela calls out Whitney and Whitney blows up. Michaela tells her, "I don't think anyone wants to be friends with [Music] you." The fighting wakes up Taylor, who just goes back to sleep because she doesn't want to deal with it. Once again, great. I moved her up there. If anything, I got to say the people that I'm going to like the most are the people who are just not [ __ ] with the that kind of stuff. All right. And Miranda, to be fair, not a lot of screen time, but she's just trying to stay. She's coasting by looks right now, which I don't blame her. She'll win that race. Hey, if we're going to in the hair there, she's going to be fine. Miranda realizes that maybe mom talk is pretty toxic. Which also once again makes me want to move her back up. She's just like, "Actually, this [ __ ] sucks. I hate drinking swig. I just want to have like aing vodka cranberry." We cut to Zach putting deodorant on their daughter, and Zach starts talking about how Jyn is having a mental health crisis. You sit back and realize what really matters. That's what he says. Zach is wearing a Disney shirt that makes me want to gouge my eyes out. And Jyn is thinking about stepping down from mom talk and focusing on the baby. A note pops up and it's really funny. She's just like, "Yeah, I think I think that I should probably just think about my baby instead of dancing and twerking for fake female empowerment." And then it cuts to black and it says, "The productions decided to stop filming Jyn out of respect." aka they're like, "I cannot watch her curl up in a ball and eat Fruity Pebbles and watch like [ __ ] Bluey all day. I just can't do it. We can't do it. We're wasting millions of dollars." We cut to the pickle ball game that uh Macy is throwing and they drink some yummy mocktails aka it's just once again it's like Sprite. Like it's cactus water. It's like it's Sprite. In an attempt to get the heat off her back, Whitney starts to poke and pry at Dema and Jess's drama. And Demar thinks she's the fan favorite from last season. Taylor calls Dama out and she wouldn't be on the show without her, which is true. Taylor's the head dog. She started mom talk. Taylor tells her that she's the only one being open and honest. Dama wants to end the conversation, so they toast and they drink their stiff stick sprite mocktails. Then they talk about Damas's fertility issues and how bread is shooting blanks. That's strange. The 73year-old guy can't shoot fertile seeds. That's crazy. Even though they're like, "Yeah, we've been using science, but mostly energy healing to get a sperm count up." And I'm like, that's a great use of money. God. The mom starts crying about her bare womb and then afterwards worries that she ruined her makeup. She's basically just like, "Yeah, I think my oven's all screwy dewy. Did I [ __ ] up my mascara? Do I look like a dainty princess still ladies?" Cuts the girls drinking and having a twerk off on the bus, which I will say. Oh, let me tell you. Ma old lizardback did. Let me tell you, she's got she's got some stuff to throw around. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you that right now. I was like, "Okay, hold on a second." Damn. Whitney tries doing it and you're just like, "God damn." It's like watching like It's like watching a 15-year-old Labrador try to get up, you know, when they have bad hips up on the couch. Yeah. Just like even just getting up from the ground. She's like, "That's what it would look like." Michaela wins and can't shut up about winning the twerk off, which you know what? You go, girl. She's got all kinds of stuff there. I'm telling you, she earned it. I think she'd be sexier if she just let the flare up stay. Oh yeah, the skin condition. Little sexy zebra, dude. Get them racing stripes in there. I like that. Why not? Little zebra cake princess. Exactly. She's sitting there just like making a clap. Wait, do you think that irritated her skin with her butt? Oh, hell yeah. Her [ __ ] and her [ __ ] lips like slapping together like that. Probably caused a flare up, I'd imagine. She gets home. She's like, "Can you put cream on it?" And the husband's like, "What did I tell you to just just Yeah. Yeah. Could you just use Gold Bond?" She's like, "I can't keep using Gold Bond. It keeps clumping up in my folds." He's like, "The girls go into the hot tub and skinny dip." But really, it just means three of them wear panties and run into a pool, a heated pool with their bras off, and they all have fake tits, which I got to tell you, these girls are [ __ ] wild. This is insane. Seriously. And the episode ends with a message about mental health hotline. It's so funny. It's so good to where they're just like, "Yeah, if you're bummed out and being a loser like Jen, maybe call this number and complain to them instead of your buddies. Swig break. Oh god, I don't want to anymore. Swig break. Jacob. Jacob. Jacob. There it is. Get Jacob hitting a swig. Come get over here into the light. I said get into the light. Swing. Swing. Swing. Swig. The top of this is Let me see. We've been drinking that. That's all in my tummy. I mean, look at look at the inside of this cup, actually. Oh, yeah. That's oily. Like oily curry. Episode seven, the book of gratitude. [Music] Big break.

Every time, no matter what time of day, it's a [ __ ] weekday. Out of curiosity, what was what what what were they wondering? They already had an online order place like a while ago. They were just picking up, but we're not able to find any more orders right now. They they pre-ordered Swig. Yeah. Okay. All right. I was just curious. No, it's all good. This is ridiculous. So, actually, I need my order. Okay. The server's going to be down for like another 2 hours. I'll wait. Yeah. No, I shall wait. Patience is a virtue. Yeah, that's what God taught us. The episode starts with everyone making Tik Toks. Okay. Mom talks back in action. This is the last day in Scottsdale. There's been tension and drama, but not enough attention for a group Tik Tok. Whitney asks if after the trip if she can officially be back in Tik Tok, and everyone like basically cuts her throat open, throws her on the floor like a pig. And she's like, "Okay." Like walks off. It's so good. They had to take a vote and it failed horribly and even Miranda's like, "God, sure glad I didn't do that." Which the trip ends and Jesse and Demi wrap Christmas presents while they talk about Dama's fertility issues. Jess asks Demi if they use a sperm donor, which Demi said, "Hell no, but she's cool with Leila sleeping with Brett so they can have a baby." Makes sense. Taylor goes to Dakota's house and Ever True pisses and shits his pants and they like don't do anything about it. They're just like, "What do we do?" It's just She's just like, "Yeah, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with that." And then Dakota's like, "Okay, great. Look at you, little creature. Yum." And it's just like [ __ ] caked all over its back. I mean, it's like a visible mark and they're like, "It's soaking." And they're just like, "Okay." Which the producer asks Dakota if Taylor and him are still sleeping together and he uh puts on a big [ __ ] grid and he's like, "Yeah." You know, it's it's awesome. But it's it certainly is making things weird. Which cut to Ila and Da getting their hair dead and Ila reveals that her and her boyfriend broke up and she doesn't know if she's going to make it to Friendsgiving because Cam broke up with her. Which Cam also was super Mormon. And he's like, "I want to go to the temple." Which you have to be basically invited to go into a Mormon temple. So he probably sees her with like her tits flowing out all the time and you know her twerking and shoving [ __ ] over her an [ __ ] and all this other cuss stuff. So he's probably like, "Yeah, this probably isn't a great fit is what I would assume." They keep saying that mom talk's purpose is to lift each other up and it's the biggest lie ever. It's to lift each other up and about womanhood. How? How? [ __ ] how? Explain it to me, please. Michaela and Macy are in a car going through a car wash and they're strapped a GoPro to Michaela's child and they're basically just like, "Yeah, do you want to go through the car wash?" And the kid's like, "I could not give a" and they're like, "I'm so scared." It's such a painful thing. Like, she doesn't know to put it in neutral. It's like the first time she's ever been through a car wash. She's like, "I can't believe it." Demi confronts Brett about the anonymous tip of Brett cheating on her. Yeah. Brett's like, "I hate that. I hate when those rumors happen. They spread. I hate that so much." He never says no. Yeah. He's just like, "What? Who said that?" It's uh I mean, it's an anonymous, you know, tip. Those kind of things piss me off. But Demar tells that the truth will always be revealed. And then Brett's like crimson chin over there is really kind of like look like Billy Bassmouth, whatever. Like looking around his big ass [ __ ] mouth. Apparently also everyone is on ketamine because Demma and Brett also do special K. I think ketamine helped me a lot with that. Yeah. And I think that's just a Mormon loophole which I don't know if there's Mormons in the chat. Is ketamine just cool? You can't drink coffee, but you can inject ketamine through an IV drip. Makes no sense. But the cameras went down, but the audio kept rolling. And Brett and Dema talk. And let me tell you, he's just like, "I'm super mad about that." Dema. And she's like, "I don't know what I'm supposed to tell you, babe. Can I kiss you?" And he's like, "Yeah, probably later cuz I'm not in the mood." And then, of course, you get a Whitney suggest a Mormon bakeoff contest. So, everyone starts prepping. Michaela and Macy meet up with a sourdough chef who definitely hard. This guy is awesome. You can tell that guy is just a they call him like Duracell or some [ __ ] or Energizer. He's like that little bunny. That mother does not stop. And the two of them make sourdough bread together. Everyone for some reason is just like, "Oh my god, a bake off. I got to do sour bread. I got to do sourdough." Connor and Whitney make sourdough bread with uh the choose the right on it, which if you've ever seen it looked almost like a sounds like a Nazi insignia, doesn't it? Choose the right. Yeah. And Connor's like, "Yeah, let's put that on there." And Whitney's like, "Yeah, I think the other girls are stealing my ideas." It's like so petty over a sourdough. They just find any little moment to just be like, "You should just like jab at them." Yeah, I hope she doesn't use my recipe. And then Connor's like, "I got to get my hair done. Can we finish this later? I got to get my hair done." But Zach comes over to update Whitney about Jyn's pregnancy. And he definitely didn't come over to hang out with Connor and lift weights. Hey, so after we are done lifting for 2 or 3 hours, we should talk about Jen cuz she's ups she's sad. She's super pregnant because I give it to her good every day. Also, by the way, don't forget me and Connor are going on that 4 monthl long hike up through the Santa Fe Trails cuz that's going to be a fun and manly thing to do. We're going to fish and we're going to arm wrestle and learn how to make rings. But Zach starts talking about how Jyn is also a big [ __ ] crybaby. It's kind of funny. He's like, "Yeah, she's like depressed." Whatever that means. I don't know. She's sad about something. Come on, Connor. Let's go. Yeah. Connor could just here. Give your fat pig wife that cosmic brownie and we can leave, please. Which Ila goes to Swig to meet up with her boyfriend Cam. And Leila starts crying about how everyone eventually leaves her. She's like, "I'm so boring." And everyone leaves me in time. It's like, "No [ __ ] dude. You're a [ __ ] big wet blank. You're boring. No wonder." like I would rather be around someone who that's like mute. I would have more of a conversation with a mute person. She tells Cam that she's like, "I love you." And he's like, "Okay." And they kiss. It's not really. And I guess at this time he gave her an orgasm. I Oh, really? Yeah. Apparently. But then anyways, my favorite shot of the entire series comes up because we cut to Dakota shooting hoops with his buddy Gavin and that [ __ ] bricks every shot. He does not make a single shot. And his boy Gavin's like, "Yo, you should like totally leave that girl." He's like, "Hi." No. such a weird predicament to be in. He just like shoots the ball. He's like, "Yeah, I mean, I don't know. You should probably do something weird." He's like, "Yeah, I need to like worry about myself, right? Need to like be who I am or something." Gavin gives him some hard truths and Dakota needs to focus on himself. And Dakota decides that it's time to stop having sex with Taylor, which I'm sure that was a real hard one to He's like, "All right, you know what? I'm done." And Gab and Gavin's like, "I don't think you really have to do that." He's like, "No, I'm cold cold turkey. No more women. I need to just focus on us guys. Why are you looking at me like that? And then we cut to the Mormon bake off and the show is uh you cannot put an emphasis on enough that the show is nothing but just sugary drinks, baked goods, and shakuderie boards. That's that's the entire It's just Mormon women existing to go to each other's houses and eat cheese, cupcakes, and drink Pepsi. That's about it. Michaela brings a cake with AI Jesus on it. It's unbelievable. Whitney and Michaela both had CTR on their sourdough, and Michaela is upset about that. Whitney does a cringe British accent. It'sing terrible. In this competition, our baked goods will be presented to this panel of esteemed husbands and boyfriends. Like give up on everything. They start judging and the judges are all the husbands, but they start going through and tasting all the baked goods basically. And Taylor cheats and uh it's really funny because they try hers and they're like, "Oh my god, this is really this is really great. Holy [ __ ] this is awesome." She's like, "Oh, I'm glad you like it." And it cuts to her like a flashback to her in the parking lot and she just took something from the store and put it in a pan. Number one for that one. She keeps it real. It's just too good. It's too good. She said also her line was it took me a really long time to get the pan. I spent, you know, the time going to get it and putting it in the pans. Good for you. I like that. Dema made a cake with penises on it and Connor says it's his turn. He's like, "Let me try that one first." I actually really I love this one. I love it. which also, it's supposed to be a Mormon bake off and they're just like wouldn't it be wouldn't it be crazy we put penises on it and then Father Tom's like yeah that'd be a hoot where would you get those like I don't know he like gives her like puts in the address already I we could try this place they might have them I but of course Connor would go first because you know he got he got a little too excited in my opinion for PSK the penises did not bother me forgot they were even there judge that one real high most of the husbands look like they don't want to be there. Obviously, they'd rather be in some place in some underground nightclub in Salt Lake City again. But Whitney gets third, Michaela gets second, and Demise Cockcake gets first place. That's a shocker, right? That all the husbands gave the cockcake the first. Okay. After the competition, the girls sit down and do some couples therapy with Demar and Brett trying to get to the bottom of Brett cheating. Then they put Taylor in the hot seat and grill her. She starts crying and we get to see Macy's husband or boyfriend or whatever the it is for the first time. And he's like a he's like a lykan. He's like an oblivion character. It looks weird. I'm like, I really don't know. I'm like, wait, what? Really? Cuz Macy Macy's pretty. She's like a very beautiful woman. So, when I saw that, I was like, god damn, dude. [ __ ] better have like a USB stick with a bunch of Bitcoin on or something. I don't know what the she's doing. Leila's sister's boyfriend was a ghoul, too. There's a couple ghouls this season. There's a couple ghouls in the Utah Mountains, let me tell you that. Connor opens up about Tinder Scandal and starts crying. He's like, I can't believe that people found out about that and that alone. And that was crazy. The camera cuts to Brett's hand on Connor's back as he's breaking down crying. It's really funny. It's so good. Like, you cannot deny the gay allegations. It's so good. Also, Connor has nine or 10 different haircuts this season. The editors were cooking. The editors knew exactly what to piece together. They don't have to spell it out for you. They're just like, "It's there." But after his speech, he quickly kisses Whitney. Okay. I love you. Yeah. She's like, but the party ends with a group taking a big old picture together. Woo! Episode 8, The Book of Betrayal.

The episode starts and our queen Taylor is at the CMA Awards and it's like the cringiest thing. She's like up on stage and she's just like And he's like, "Hey sweetheart, what about the secret lives of country wives?" And she's like, "That's a great idea." And you see Jelly Roll and all the other down there looking at each other. But Taylor made everyone look bad on TikTok by posting videos of the CAS and none of the girls congratulated her on her post. So she felt petty and she's like, "Why aren't these [ __ ] doing it?" Which I got to say, it is petty, but at the same time, those mothers were jealous. Yeah. Every single one of those littleing pig hooked [ __ ] were jealous 100%. And they're like, "We I just I was doing something." I'm like, "Oh, really? You're all public figures and you can't comment on the post being like, "That's cool." Am I wrong? I mean, to me, I'm like, well, they they do it all the time. That's what you comment on every other post except that one. Come on, bro. My girl Taylor's in a league of her own. All right. Even old Lizard Bat can't crawl herself out in the sun for that one. I'm telling you. But this stirs up some drama as fans start posting on other girl accounts, calling them all basically horrible friends. It's pretty pretty funny. Tik Tok commenters really getting under their skin. So, of course, the girls start talking [ __ ] on Taylor. While this is going on, they're drinking yummy hot chocolate and it tastes like dirt because she's like, or she basically makes her a protein shake and she's like, "Wait, ew, this is like dirt." She's like, "It's a protein shake." Okay, so this isn't hot chocolate. Whatever. Cut to Taylor's house and her parents show up and every time her mom appears it just I mean it's like it's like a character in Beetlejuice or something. It's like it's like a Tim Burton character or something. You know what I mean? You know the mother that's his head's all stretched like stretches his head and like pulls it. I mean that's what it feels like. Horrible. I don't know who did that. Get a refund though. God damn. They talk about how horrible Dema is by reading her post. And Macy and Michaela pick up Taylor to talk about the CMA awards. They go to swig swig break. They go to swig again. Jacob, I don't see you picking up your swig. Come on. I finished mine hours ago. Yeah. Making sure clocking them. I'm doing it. They go to Swig to get some quesadillas and dirty sodas. Well, I need to get a quesadilla. Can you imagine that? A grilled tortilla with tons of cheese, a Mountain Dew with coconut cream. The only place that is the only place you Listen, I'm telling you, you can put as much makeup on as you want. Those girls have not had a solid bowel movement their entire life. I'm telling you, their [ __ ] are probably gaping open and it's just like pouring like like you know in like fantasy movies when it's like a witch has like a cauldron like a trough of like soup and they pour it into a bowl. That's what it's like that kind of deal. But they're like, "Yeah, this is weird. It's like why is it so like it's like it's hard has hard pieces. It's like that you had pieces of solid stool in there. Like usually it's just like it looks like chocolate milk." Mhm. I'm sorry. They talk about [ __ ] about supporting each other in real life and online. It's all just fake stupid [ __ ] Who cares? Macy goes to San Diego fertility clinic with her husband. He cries after they squirt the embryo into her. She's like, "I'm pregnant." He starts crying and she's like, "Oh." Thinking it's sweet that, you know, he's happy about that. I'm like, "That [ __ ] knows." He's like, "I'm locked up now. I'm locked up tight." Taylor and Ila go to New York for a commercial and Taylor tried to make an apology text, but Dem is not. She's not having it. During the text readings, they kept playing a lion's roar. Made no sense in the edit. Not sure why they did that. Damas

says, "An atomic bomb is coming." Dei says, "An atomic bomb is coming for me." It'd be so funny if they nuked Utah, like Salt Lake City. If Utah and like the Mormon religion ends up being like a fallout regime, you go there and like there's like ghouls and stuff walking around. That'd be sick.

Leila's drinking a Red Bull, which what the I thought you can't have caffeine. It's like, what what rules are we following and not following? Whatever. After the show, they fly back on a private plane because, god forbid you fly a commercial. Can't do that. Gross.

This episode is about De and Taylor talking [ __ ] on each other. In almost every episode, Whitney is pumping her tits in front of everyone. And it's just once again trying to make it about her. Trying to make it about herself. She's like, "Hey, don't forget about me." It's like whatever. Horrible. But you definitely see the show is definitely being like, "Pick aside, Taylor or Dma." Those are the two main characters now. Miranda's gone. I'm almost expecting she's dead. I don't know where she's at.

Cut to the sinners and saint party with everyone dressed as an angel and a demon. And Taylor brings Dakota to the party and he's there to defend Taylor from the other girls. He's like, they better not say anything about her. I'll get in there. This be a cat fight. Where's Connor? Connor? I don't know. He said he was waiting for you in the coat room. That Okay. Um yeah, I can I'll take care of the coats. I'll be right back. They come back just sweaty clothes all ripped up and stuff. Taylor also brought the biggest wings. She's peacock and she's really just trying to show the ladies, listen, who's the angel here? Hey, who's who's really mama bird? All right. Right as she arrives, she calls out the girls for not supporting her on TikTok.

The girls back to hash it out in the back room and Taylor calls the girls out for calling her dumb as a brick in a group chat that Ila showed. And Ila the entire time is looking forward like it's really stupid. But at the back of this corporate event that's supposed to be like Macy and Jess's corporate event, they're just in the back arguing like a bunch ofing toddlers. Thank god I'm supporting this business. That's This is good. Taylor reveals that Damma hates going to Jesse's salon because she thinks that she sucks at doing hair. OMG. So, Dama starts to smear Taylor and her arrest last year about her arrest. Yeah. And Whitney gets up because she has to go pump and drink soda and eat a cupcake because she's like, "Wow, this isn't about me. I'm bored." Jesus. Uh-oh. Phone's broke.

Episode nine, The Book of Reckoning. We're almost done. [Music] Quick break. Can I do four of those in your largest cup? Here comes the one, two, three, the four. [Applause] Uh, who's my favorite artist? Probably Jelly Roll and BCI or whatever the his name is. I like Post Malone. Only one he got in the country. You got a lot of nerves, don't you, baby? Dude, if Posty was here, he would definitely get what we just got. Mountain Dew Beach Babe. Oh my good lord. My first beach babe. Jesus Christ. These better being empty. I am not mine. You absolutely are. Dude, your left foot better be swelled the up by the time you get home. Cheers, girls. [Applause]

Ba goes to Jesse's place and gives her cookies because she knows that she has a sweet tooth. Which that that made me almost driving my fist through my TV. You're a sweet tooth. It's like you guys have done nothing but drink soda and eat candy and eat cheese this entire time, dude. God. Jesse basically finds out that she might have a thyroid cancer from a message where someone's just like, "Hey, Queen, you look like you have a thyroid cancer." And she's like, "Oh my god, I never thought about that." And you're like, "Wow, I'm glad that you I guess looking at your Instagram messages or you'd be dead."

The girls go on another trip without Taylor. Oh my god. And this time the girls go to Nola. New Orleans, baby. Can you imagine being a Mormon and going down to the French Quarters? The only thing to do there would be to get a beignet, eat a funnel cake. That's all you could do. Do you think the Mormons like Jumbalayia? Please, dude. But the girls arrive to the New Orleans house and of course there are cupcakes and brownies there. You got to have that. and Jyn sends a video to the group chat talking about her pregnancy and how she loves them. After the video, the girls go into a round table shinning on Jyn, especially the ma and Ila starts talking and in the background, Whitney picks some cat hair and pubic hair off of Ila's shoulder. It's very odd. I don't know. It's like chimp mode. She's like, it's likeing leave her alone, dude. God.

The girls go to a burles show and it keeps cutting to the dancers on stage and the girls are like screaming. God, dude. I don't know what it is about girls, but when they're like excited, Whose is that? That's me. Put it somewhere else, please. Why does it keep dropping? Where are you putting it? Just put it over there. Do you need your phone right now? I'm just following along. I'll hold it. One of It's like [ __ ] up the flow. After the show, basically Ila smokes a joint that comes out of one of the strippers, which I just don't what where what are the rules? I don't understand the rules. And after the show, the girls sit down and talk about Taylor. They all go upstairs and scream after seeing Whitney with hering stupid ghoul mask on. I don't know. They're like, "You scared me."

The next day, Ila pulls out a bunch of pregnancy tests and do a pregnancy roulette. And Demi freaks out and says, "What if someone's pregnant? It's not me." Which was like, "God, get over it, you selfish [ __ ] Good lord." Which this once again feels like something that the producers did where they're just like, "So definitely one of the girls hasn't told someone that they're pregnant, so we should just like force them to say it. Thanks. That's fun." Demise starts crying after two tests turn out to be positive cuz she knows that hering easy bake oven of a womb definitely could not bear a child and she gets emotional and walks off. Is that is that rude? Wonder. Maca tells Michaela that she's pregnant. Oh my god, Macy. Michaela didn't piece it together even though she's like, "How can I not know that my friend has had these shots and stuff?" It's like if you look at her arms throughout the season, she has all of these giant circle shot marks and it's you can just tell how selfobsessed everyone is.

And the girls go out for beignes, which uh called that [ __ ] at the beginning. I knew that they would. I knew that they were going to show them eating beignes 100%. Which also, if you haven't had it, it's a funnel cake. It's really It's really not that big of a deal. It's funnel cake with powdered sugar. You wait in line all day for it. And also, it's humid as it's like, imagine going to New Orleans. It's 98°, 85% humidity. You're like, "Can I please sit and eat deep fried bread with sugar on it?" And then, yeah, then I'll drink four hurricanes and die.

Jesse and Da talk about how Jesse realizes that Da is the cancer of the group. Even Jesse, her supposed best friend's just like, I think Demiy's a big old [ __ ] The women do a Mormon chant at lunch. It's really creepy. And we find out that most of the girls aren't even Mormon. They're just Christians. So, it's like, why is God? Why even go through all these stupid rules? They were born Mormon. [ __ ] them. Cuts to the girls and all black and they walk in slow-mo and they're even like looking at the camera and they're like walking in the French quarters. God, it's horrible. They go to the virgin blood place. Remember where we drink the blood bags? They didn't know how to open it or they took a sip and they didn't like it. So, they ended up ordering Sprite and like Pepsi instead. It's It's pretty good. But yeah, they they got rid of those immediately. And Deay says that she will leave Mom Talk if Taylor is in Mom Talk. Uh-oh. And this is just feels like a rehash of the first season with Whitney doing the same [ __ ] Michaela butts in and says that what if she did that about Whitney, right? She's like, "What about me?" Which once again, like I said, it's all just the same beats of Whitney saying the exact same thing. She gets kicked out. She's the villain. though it's looking right now that like Dez's fate is going to be the worst out of all of them.

While this was going on in New Orleans, Taylor's in Utah talking with her mom and sister while doing a puzzle and she's talking about ending things with Dakota for good. We've heard that all season. I've heard that and you've just been getting down like I mean like a Cinnabon factory is all youring [ __ ] is right now, dude. Jesus. What do you think she forces him? Oh yeah. Oh my god. Are you Yes. She canucking leg wrestle him to the ground and she does whatever she wants with him. He's like Taylor. Taylor, please. Taylor, that kind of thing.

Last episode, episode 10, the book of salvation. [Music] Does anything change after is that just No. Okay, it might change. Like I said, we'll do a final one after the last episode. We'll see. Last episode, The Book of Salvation. The episode starts with Ila showing up to Taylor's house to talk. She brings a beignet mix as a gift cuz she didn't go to Nola. She didn't go to Nola. You got to try these. They're so good. Taylor's mom, Leanne, shows up and Ila forces a compliment on how Taylor's mom, you know, looks so pretty. Which it's like, yeah. She's like, oh my god, you look great. And she's like, thanks. Looks like a [ __ ] Bloodborne boss. Thank you so much, little princess. I feel how young do I look? Be honest. And cockroach is like crawling crawling out of her eye and stuff.

But the last episode is pretty much all about Demas's Christmas party. Taylor's not invited, but Taylor's mom shows up to it with a Christmas gift from Taylor, and she and Demay talk about Taylor and Leanne. And Deay start having like basically like a little fight. And Leanne's like, "Yeah, you're just trying to take over as leader even though my little cupcake is the queen bee." Whatever. And Demi calls basically Taylor. She's like, "You should just worry about being aing mom." And it's just this weird thing. And all the other girls like, "You should never talk to your elders like that." Which I was like, "Who gives a [ __ ] You're all grown adults." If you're if some Jacob, if your mom came up to me and started talking to me that way, I'd be like, "Why don't you step the away from me, old bitch?" is what I would say. And vice versa, if my if my mom did that, too, I'd be like, "What are you doing, you old c, you olding bag?" I'd be like, "What are you talking about?" It'd be different if it's like a nine-year-old being like, "You're a bitch." Like, come on. What are you doing? You can't say that. This like weirding Italian American thing where it's like, "You can't talk about my mom like that." My mama. It's like, "Shut the [ __ ] up, dude. God.

But Santa crashes the party just in the nick of time. Saves the day. Old Saint Nick shows up. And I seriously believe they thought that was the real one. And everyone goes outside to take a picture of the fake snow that's playing. And Leanne gets kicked out of the party. De opens Taylor's gift and uh-oh, it's Jesse's hair product. She's throwing a little shade because she's like, "Yeah, Jesse." De said Jesse doesn't know how to do hair. It's a little catty [ __ ] gift. And guess what? That's what makes her queen. All right, she's the queen bee. Miranda says she's not sure if she wants to be a part of Mom Talk. So toxic, but then she says, "Well, maybe it'll be great." She's basically just like, "You know, I don't really know if I want to be here, but god damn, I bet the money's going to be good, so I'll stay." You got to respect the honesty. She's the first part, too. She's like, "Okay, bye." I love it. I love her.

Also, going back to the snow, I think the boyfriends were 100% more excited about the fake snow than the girls. Oh my god. The not only were the boys more excited about it, but Connor's outfit. And the Christmas party is unbelievable. It is insane. You know, too, that they're just like, "Hey, we're going to go smoke some stogies and just hang out. You guys do your thing." And they did like secret Santa down there and they're like, "Here you go." And he gives him like a like sapphire necklace. He's like, "Oh my god." That kind of [ __ ] That's what was happening off in the side. Also, real quick, [Laughter] I liked their honesty. I liked it. Lizard back has kind of fallen back a bit. She's getting a little one note, a little boring. Whatever.

The girls have a meeting about mom talk, right? This is the big big discussion. Dakota heads to Leanne's house to talk and Dakota is holding ever true and the kid can't hold still. He has Asberers 100%. He used to like putting his hand in his face and stuff like that. I'm like, why is it that every baby nowadays has autism? It's like it's unbelievable. Every kid is just like I bet if you lift up his shirt, his chest would just be like the lid of a Tupperware container or some [ __ ] It's just like the microplastics. I don't know. Also, probably all the Oh. Oh, yeah. Swig in the placenta. This is like thick, like oatmeal.

Now, Macy and Jesse meet up at her salon to talk about the Christmas party. Side note, owning a salon in Utah is a cheat code because you can just be definitely owning cuz she's just like, "Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow to get my highlights." That kind of thing. You're so pretty, Jesse. She's like, "Thanks." That kind of thing. But everyone is starting to the tides are shifting. Everyone's turning on dema. Definitely. And everyone meets at Jess's house and uh the tensions are high when Taylor shows up. Uh-oh. The group discusses the business of mom talk, which is so funny to me because they're like, "We should discuss the business of mom talk." You guys twerk and steal trends on TikTok and you use it to pedal your lifestyle to ugly women in Utah. That's what you do. You're not uplifting women. You're profiting off of other people's sadness. Thanks for that. Good for you.

But they do vote to see if Miranda and Whitney should be in the group. Whitney is holding her baby on the couch, which is silently that's just there. It looks like I mean the exact doll in American Sniper when Bradley Cooper holds that fake baby. There's no way that baby is real. Her baby she's holding there is a prosthetic baby like rocking back and forth. I know. Yeah, she's like all nervous and [ __ ] and she's just like she was likeing moving. It's like calm down, dude. God damn. You can still twerk on your own time. Michaela will not let up on Whitney and I love it. And everyone is shooting strays at Whitney throughout this just because they're just I mean it's it's so funny and she's just taking it too. She's like holding she's just sitting there like holding this like either dead child or plastic little doll. And Taylor says she doesn't want Demi and mom talk because Deme would leave if Taylor is in mom talk. And let me tell you, she stands on business. All right. Taylor and De argue. Taylor says that Dem is a horrible person for trying to be mean to Whitney, Jen, and Jesse. It keeps cutting to Delila doing awkward fish faces. She's has no emotions. She's soulless. I don't know why she's here. She must be a producers's daughter. Taylor calls De a selfish [ __ ] De May calls Taylor disgusting. Deay starts fake crying because no one's defending her and she immediately switches up. She's like crying for one moment. No one's defending her and then she like immediately like lets down and it's like there's no tears or anything. It's really funny. And basically the leaves mom [Music] talk and of course they have to end the night with talking about how mom talk is empowering to women. Sisterhood, womanhood, everything. It's just it's empowering to women. How? because you're filling our pockets because you're desperate to be a part of our group. You're not as attractive as them. They know that they're praying off you. They're praying off your religion. They're praying off your values. They don't have any values of their own. If you believe in this, you'reing stupid. Open your eyes. Follow literally anybody else. A stamp collector on TikTok. That would be more beneficial than following these completely delusional echobrain pieces of [ __ ] that want to take all of your values, wrap it up in a bow, and sell it to you time and time again. Why? They twerk and they dance and they don't do a [ __ ] thing.

Macy starts crying over her dead boyfriend as they go to the crash site because her boyfriend died. I think they're just trying to push the book meme. I mean, I don't know. Yeah, it sucks, but also like god damn, dude. What? 15 years ago? Get over it. I mean, I'm sorry. I mean, it sucks, but also it's like, what the [ __ ] are we doing? She also never visited the site for the 10 years that he's been dead. And yeah, it's funny. She said she was a wreck. That's funny. I was just a wreck. I thought that was a little tip of the cap. Yeah. Which I was thinking the entire time cuz this is a very busy highway. If while this was happening, they're like sitting there, she's crying. She's like, "Oh my god." If you just heard like the diesel guy being like, "Get out of the way." And rolls over it. Oh yeah. So then also just I thought this was funny is Whitney has like flowers and a note that she leaves him, but she just uses a piece of broken asphalt to put on top of the envelope so it won't fly away. Thank god that ghost is going to read that note.

Leila invites the guy from Italy from the Vanderpump show that supposedly cheated with Demi. Marciano. Yes. No. With Demi. With Demi. With Demi. Because then when he goes there, he's like, "Oh yeah, I tried to hook up because she's hot." But no, I ended uping Jesse and I've beening Jesse. And then Leila's like, "Oh my god." And that's how it ends is the cliffhanger of did Jesse really this Italian dude or not? Who knows? Who cares?

Let's go to the final rankings. Let's look here. Taylor obvious. Yes. Can we make an actual conceited decision that Miranda should still be at two over Michaela? Over Lizard Bag. I like Miranda. I did too. You know what? I'm going to keep Miranda at two. I think I'm going to make a controversial call here. I'm making a controversial call. Oh my god. Why would she be too? Macy is levelheaded. The car wreck thing did get me a little bit at the end there, but I will say this, out of all of it, she is like the least problematic, and at least she's doing something. She has something to the show. They show her a lot in the show. I think Miranda being at four is fair for having almost no screen time. Perfect. She's beautiful. She shows up. She introduces a little spice. I liked her as a personality. Also, Miranda keeps in check where she's just like, "This group is actually horrible, but I'm going to get my paycheck." So that's why I'm like four is fine. I think four is fair. Let's keep moving on. Does Jesse stay at eight? I don't know. See, this is where I'm This is another controversial call here. Put her above. Hold on. Hold on. I agree. Oh, what? No. Jesse at five because she totally gives up on de at the end of the show. And also she has a little bit of deal where she's just like she might have been around with an Italian guy. That's kind of And she's a small business owner. And she's a small business owner who basically profits off fat, ugly women in Utah. Kind of funny.

Then we have Leila at six. She had a nice redemption at the end because she stirred the pot up at the end at least. Jyn was trying to kill herself eating Fruity Pebbles. I think that's funny. Whitney's absolutely dog [ __ ] She's like probably the fakest biggest piece of You know what? I was going to say, yeah. Oh yeah. You know what? You got to have a villain. You got to have a villain in de which is fine. I just hate she's just too much of an instigator. Don't like it. But Whitney, I don't think that there's been a person on reality television I think I've hated more. I'll say it. She was like fence writing in the worst way where it's like it's still trying to be super advantageous to herself. I don't know. At least Deme is like you're annoying [ __ ] but at least you know you went for it and you got you failed. But am I going to put you dead last? That feels unfair. Am I going to put you under the person trying to kill herself and eat Fruity Pebbles? You're going to have to be under her. All right, that that's too good to pass up. All because she's pregnant and she's married to Tiny Face Zach. Would you at least come in here and cuddle with me? He's like, "God, I'm busy. I'm watching The Matrix. I will later."

The second season. How'd you get Did you guys like the first season or the second season more? I've only seen the second. Oh, yeah. I forgot that you tapped out after She must like this one more. Or were you forced to watch this? I mean, it was The fake drama was pissing me off, so somewhat entertaining. There needs to be. The only thing that's going to bring it back for a season 3 is if there's a gay scandal. If somebody openly comes out, we need two of the husbands that come together. We need two of the husbands that come together and like release a sex tape on social media, like an Only Fans thing, that needs to be talked about in the show and they need to like try to resolve it and it's going to be really funny. Trying to have them be like, "Yeah, I don't know why I did it. I'm just confused." I guess that kind of thing. But right now, the men in the show are I hate to say worthless, but they are they have no value outside of their wives. Like it's just like sad. There's a difference between like a trad wife and a guy who's just like, "Yeah, I'll bake cookies and you can twerk and make your money. I'm just going to sit here." You do nothing. It'd be different if it's I'm a stay-at-home dad. But you never see them ever with their children. So, it makes me think that all the guys are sitting in a room just looking at a wall and tell like their wife's just coming and snap at them like, "Hey, come on. Come on. We're going to Sprouts and we're getting donuts." And they're like, "Okay." I don't know why it feels so much more sad, but it does. That's the second season. We've been talking about this for 2 hours. It did not feel that long. Did it feel long that long for you guys? I feel like we could talk about it for two more hours. All right, let's talk about season one again. No.

Now, that's all I have for you today. Don't watch this show because I already did it for you. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Also, Swig ad rating. I'm kidding. Thank you to Swig for sponsoring this video. Swig on it till you coconut cream. [Music]