Why So Many Men Are Miserable In Marriage

Have you ever wondered why so many men are so miserable in marriage? It seems to be almost a universal truth that most men, at some point if not most of the time, feel completely miserable in this relationship. Yet, for much of our lives, we pursued it with all our energy, with all of our resources. And in order to accomplish it, we gave our greatest asset: our commitment. We gave our commitment to stand by and support, and to, uh, be there through thick and thin, till death do us apart. So why is it this institution that we have pursued with all of our energy ended up making us all so damn miserable? That's what I want to talk about today: why marriage makes men so miserable. Let's talk about it.

When we're children, life could not be better—at least for me, it was—up until somewhere around the age of 10. I think it's at that point when we start to learn—learn that in order for us to thrive on this planet, we're going to have to do something; we're going to have to conform to someone else's concept of what our life should be like. Just being ourselves is not enough. It's in these times where our well-meaning parents, teachers, clergy—they kind of pull the rug out from under us. And it's subtle at first, but then you realize that you're going to have to perform in order to thrive. You're going to have to do something in order to be someone. And it's this concept, or this idea, that starts us down the path of being miserable when we're married, because we're miserable right from the very beginning. Now, it doesn't hit us all at once, but it does hit us. And it's in these moments, I think, that we, um, we start to feel that sense of, of insecurity in our lives for the very first time.

Growing up, my family was relatively, I don't know, say lower middle class. My dad was a non-commissioned officer for much of that time in the Navy, and then he made warrant officer when I was, I don't know, about 10 years old. Um, still not—not—not living high on the hog. Um, it was about that age, about 10, when the concept of scarcity started to sink in. You know, I remember, uh, being at the PX, which is, you know, the exchange, which is what the military calls like Walmart, basically, and, uh, wanting something and, uh, being told no. And that was my mom's pat answer for everything: no, you're not, can't, that we can't afford that, no, we don't have money for that, no, no, no, no. Um, and I just figured she was being a mother, cuz I figured that's what all mothers did. I didn't realize it was us; didn't realize that we were poor. I figured that that's just the way mothers were—that mothers were just cranky old ladies, like they were just mean. So that's just the way that was. I didn't think anything of it. But then, as I got a little bit older, the concept of scarcity became more and more apparent to me. You know, um, when we moved off base, uh, and we lived in a normal neighborhood with civilians, with the other people, um, I started to see that these kids actually had some cool stuff. You know, like there was a ping-pong table across the street in the garage, you know, um, there was a, you know, kids had cool toys and, um, and stuff. And I, I really didn't, you know, kids had different clothes than me; my mother made my [Music] clothes. Oh man, just looking back on some of these things that she wore, she made me wear, uh, and she thought she was being so cool. I had matching red and blue plaid pants, prober. Oh yeah, yeah, I was there; I was in the 70s, man. I lived, I lived large in the 70s. Um, for some reason, the kids didn't notice or they didn't say anything. I don't know, maybe it was cool; I don't know. But I remember the kids, other kids, their parents didn't make them clothes. You know, so scarcity became more and more of an issue. And as I got older and older and older, this concept of scarcity—that we don't have enough, and that if you're going to get what you want in the world, that you're going to have to do something to get it; you're going to have to put on a uniform; you're going to have to be somebody that you're not; you're going to have to change; you're going to have to acquire some skills; and you're going to have to become someone that you are not—now, and that was a very daunting, kind of scary experience as a child, because I did not have any idea what or who I wanted to be. And, um, and that made me, that put me at a real disadvantage, cuz a lot of other kids already had it clear in their head what they wanted to do. I think a lot of kids who don't know what they want to do just go into the military—at least that was my, my perception at that age, since my dad was in the Navy and all my friends were military brats. So, um, I figured, well, if all else failed, I'll just join the military—the Navy or the Army or the Marine Corps or the Air Force or somebody. I'll just do that, like that'll be my, my, um, my default mode, you know. But yeah, I had no, no desire to do that; it was just like, okay, that's what I'll do if I have to. But, um, yeah, that concept of scarcity is a big one, because I think it puts us in a state of mind where we believe that there's not enough for us, and that if we don't fight for it or we don't pursue it with all of our energy, we're not going to get it—whatever it is. And, uh, and that takes us down the road that begins the path.

In past videos, I've talked to you guys quite a bit about Life 1.0, the algorithm. And the algorithm is the default mode, I think, for most people, where, um, you follow society's road map for what you should do. You know, and your version of that road map depends on where you are in the world, you know, geographically, what your, what country you're in, um, what your culture is, um, what your socioeconomic class is, what the, um, other people around you are doing. But there's a momentum toward a certain direction that you need to take, you know, and you fall into that path by default, unless you have a strong sense for yourself, unless you understand who you are, you're going to fall into that default mode. And that default mode for very most people, including, you know, all cultures, includes at some point the pursuit and the, uh, acquisition of a meaningful relationship with someone of the opposite sex—getting married. That is one of the key factors across cultures, across socioeconomic classes, that everyone falls into is pursuing and acquiring a woman, or if you're a woman, a man. Um, but for men, it's definitely a Pursuit; it's something that we overtly do, and we spend much of our time thinking about this, especially as adolescents. Our whole reality kind of revolves around this idea that we're going to find this ideal partner, this mate, this, this pretty girl who's going to put up with us and just have sex with us all the time, and we're going to live happily ever after, just like in all the romantic comedies and the Disney movies and all that stuff. So we go for it, and we do it.

The goal of all of these people who are providing us with this well-meaning guidance, and even the algorithm of Life 1.0, is all designed to help us; it's designed to help us achieve some level of objective happiness in our lives. That's the plan; that's the goal. But the truth is, most of the people giving us this guidance are not themselves experiencing some, some level of objective happiness. When I say objective happiness, I mean it's a happiness that can be determined from the outside by people observing your behavior and your, um, your experience. And therein lies the problem: is that objective happiness is a myth; it does not exist in the world. There is no such thing as objective happiness. And so the advice that we're getting to pursue this impossible goal is all null and void; it doesn't apply. But we do it anyway, because we don't realize that objective happiness is a myth until you've achieved all of the things on that algorithmic list of what it means to be happy. And once you get there and you've got it all—you've got the job, you've got the, um, the money, you've got the house, you've got the wife, you've got the kids, you got car, cars, you got money in the bank, you got it all going on—you, you've checked all the boxes on, on Life 1.0, and and you're miserable. And you're miserable in your marriage; you're miserable in your life; you're miserable altogether. Now, it's not that your wife made you miserable, okay? Your wife is just the reflection of your state of mind, and it turns into a feedback loop that gets worse and worse and worse. So you're miserable, and she's miserable, and then you're miserable, and she's miserable, and it just gets worse and worse and worse until at some point there's a break, you know, there's like you can't deal with it anymore; one of you snaps, and that's the end of the marriage.

The reason why is that there is no fulfillment in the life that you're experiencing, because it's not authentically yours. This is a life that you followed in Life 1.0; you followed the algorithm to this point. The person that you chose authentically, I think you probably chose this girl to marry from a place of pure love and authenticity, and you wanted her in your life, and you thought that she was a good match. And in the moment when you chose her, based on the experience that you had and the knowledge available to you, she was, she was the right girl for you in that moment. But because you were not authentically you, because, because you were following this path laid out before you by others, and you were living in this world of scarcity, and you were being told about this mythology of objective happiness, you made decisions that were not in your own best interest. You made decisions that took you to this place where you could not possibly succeed, where happiness would become more and more elusive every day. And as it became more elusive, and you were not finding joy in this relationship or in this lifestyle or in this job or whatever it is—it doesn't matter; it's all the same; it's all this external crap that you created under these false pretenses—and now you're miserable. And that is why most men are miserable in their marriages; that's why most people are miserable in their lives, is because they live in this world that tells you that you need to do something rather than to be something.

That you are not good enough from the get-go, from the very beginning of this, this game, you're already starting at a, at a deficit. There's an original sin concept to our Judeo-Christian, you know, lifestyles. And as a child, you were burdened with this original sin—not necessarily from a religious perspective, but from a, um, cultural perspective—like you're already behind, so you had better start running faster; you had better start working harder; you had better get your act together; you had better do this or that or this or that, or the consequences will be a miserable, unhappy life. I remember my mom telling me that I needed to do well in school and get good grades in school or I would become a trash man. Now, I don't know why she picked on trash men, why that those, these guys, these poor guys, you know, were the bottom of the heap, for whatever reason. They seem to do honorable work to me, you know; weren't for them, man, we would have a real problem; we would have trash stacked up all over the place. So they perform a valuable service to our culture and our communities. So I don't think that picking on trash men is the right, right idea. But I remember having that, that thought—first of all, I remember the first time she brought it up. Now you better do well in school or you're going to be, you know, a garbage man. And, uh, my little brain started thinking, well, what's wrong with that? Like, so I never thought of what I was going to be. What do you mean be? You think I'm going to be that guy? Like, I'm going to be that, like that's who I will be—a trash man? Is that my, is that how this works? And if I want to be something great, I had better do well in school. If I wanted to be somebody, a somebody in the world, if I wanted to, um, be happy, then I needed to be something other than what I am—to become that. And that fallacy is the lesson, I think, that the vast majority of kids get growing up. And it's that, that concept that destines us to some level of misery in our lives, because it tells us from the very beginning that you can't be yourself; you can't be you; you can't depend on who you are on the inside to be a valuable member of our society. You're going to have to change; you're going to have to do something to become something else; you're going to have to put on a uniform; you're going to have to put on a mask; put on a suit; you're going to have to put on this facade in order to operate in the world as we know it, because you, you aren't good enough. That's the message; that's the message. And so we do that, and it, it condemns us all to misery; it condemns every one of us to misery. Because at some point in our lives, if we're lucky—if at some point in our lives, if we're lucky—we're going to figure it out; we're going to go, what the hell am I doing with my life? It took me to about age 50 to figure it out; hopefully younger guys listening to this won't wait so long.

There is an authentic you inside there. If you've been listening to all of the algorithmic crap from cultural Life 1.0, then it may be hard to reconnect with that authentic self. But it's only from that place of authenticity can you really find fulfillment and happiness in your life. For me, it required that I strip away everything that I created: everything—my job, my career, my home, my marriage—everything. I had to get down to bare bone where there was nothing left to lose. I had gotten almost to that point; I still had my dogs, and I still had my daughters, but I had lost everything else. I had no money; no money, no retirement money, nothing. I had nothing; zero. I had basically enough money to survive from day to day, maybe if I was lucky. I'd gotten to that point where I felt like there was nothing left to lose. And only from that place was I able to come to terms with who my authentic self was and the way I wanted to live my life—for me, and not for anyone else; not to achieve anything from anyone else's perspective, but only to achieve the fulfillment of doing whatever it is I wanted to do in that moment. It was not about the future; it was not about pleasing anybody else; it was not about attracting some woman; it was not about status; it was not about any of that. It was just about being happy right here, right now, in this moment. That's all it was; I, all I wanted to do was just to feel a sense of fulfillment in this single moment. And by, by stripping away everything and being left with nothing to lose, I was able to come to terms with who I am and what I love to do, and I did it; I just did it. And I never thought about what the future held; I never thought about my retirement; I never thought about attracting another woman; I never thought about getting married again. I just thought about every single moment how grateful I was to have the opportunity to help the people I was helping, like in the gym, you know, with my health coaching, with the training, with all that stuff, and just to look into those people's eyes and to see the gratitude that they were experiencing by their connection to me. It was through that experience that I was able to find my authenticity, because in living my life from that moment-to-moment, um, basis, where I was no longer thinking forward and I wasn't really thinking backward, I was just trying to live in this single moment, I found, I found myself; I found myself. And, um, that was the greatest discovery, you know. And I've talked a little bit in the past about how sometimes I think my wife, my ex-wife, leaving me was the greatest gift she could have given me, and and it was because it was the final lynchpin of me losing everything. And once she was gone, there was no reason for me to be the guy that was, um, wearing the, the facade, that was putting on the act, was trying to, to, to be somebody, you know, trying to do something to be somebody. Um, it was in that moment that I could then finally just be me, and, uh, and that opened the door to fulfillment in my life, like I never would have guessed.

I wish I could give you guys a step-by-step process for finding your own authentic perspective, your own authentic self in the world. I don't know that losing everything is necessary or advisable. I don't know that I want you to, to just cash in your chips and say, yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to give all my stuff away or I'm going to turn my world upside down in order to, to achieve that. I think you can do it without that; I don't think you need to lose everything, you know, to be broke and, uh, to be divorced, to, to find it. I think that you can do it without that. But I do think that it requires that you get quiet and do some reflection, some serious reflection on your life, and to figure out if the life you're living is truly your life. Is this the life that you chose for you because of who you really are, or is this the life that was laid out before you and you chose it to please them? You chose this life in order to make someone else proud of you, to make someone else, um, approve of you, you know, to acquire some level of status in the eyes of others, or to, um, make yourself appear successful? Because if you're doing it for any of those reasons, if you're living your life on any of those levels, you are on some level miserable; you're, you're deep down inside, you're not fulfilled. And, um, whether you realize it now or you realize it later, it's going to happen where things are going to start collapsing around you. And, um, each time something falls apart, each time you have that thought that, God, I hate my life—even for a moment, even for a moment—um, it'll be your opportunity to start reflecting and in making changes. People who resist this, it creates an internal conflict. So if you're externally resisting this idea, and you are pushing back against it because you don't want to face the hardships that might come with making these kinds of changes in your life, it's going to, it's going to create a conflict within you, and this conflict has power—destructive power, you know. And the more you resist it, the more, um, calamity comes your way, you know; bad things just start happening. If you not, if you're not able to or willing to make the changes necessary to achieve the level of authenticity that you need in your life at your soul level, and you know it deep down in your soul, then you're going to notice that things are going to start falling apart—one calamity after another after another after another. And it's little things at first, and they're just kind of giving you a hint, like, yeah, you better start making some changes. And they just get, getting bigger, bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And that's what happened to me. I mean, I talk about the big things, you know—losing my job, losing my house, losing my wife, all that stuff. I could write a country song about it. But there were lots of little things before that, you know—lots and lots and lots of little things for probably a decade or longer before that, maybe even longer than that, maybe 20 years, you know, um, and I ignored them because I didn't want to come to terms with that. I did not want to come to terms with the idea that I was on the wrong path; did not want to come to terms with the idea that I was living inauthentically, although I, I knew it; I knew it. I knew I was pretending; I knew I was just being somebody that somebody else wanted me to be. I knew it. And, um,

But it was giving me all the stuff that I wanted. I was getting money and status and all kinds of cool stuff, you know, um, so I thought, "I'm just going to play this game for as long as it'll run." Yeah, didn't work out so well. I mean, it worked out well in the end, but yeah, I had a huge crash and burn there in the middle of my life, and um, yeah, maybe that's what midlife crises are all about. About, I don't know. But anyway, all I can tell you guys is you need to stop and reflect and ask yourself from time to time, "Is this the life that I was meant to live?" Because if it's not, then I need to change it, you know.

And in order to really understand what this means is, um, I missed a spot here; let me just go back for a second. About the objective level of happiness—it's all subjective. There is no objective happiness. You live your life subjectively, and happiness is a subjective experience. Fulfillment is subjective. My happiness and fulfillment cannot be yours, and yours will never be mine. This is something that you must decide upon for yourself; that's where the authenticity comes from. That's why when your parents and teachers and clergy were all giving you this idea about this objective level of Happiness out in the universe, it was a mythology. It's because it just doesn't exist; it just—it's just flat out a lie. And they know it's a lie because they haven't experienced it either, because it doesn't exist; they can't experience it.

So once you get past that objective mythology of, you know, this objective happiness and you start seeing from within yourself what happiness looks like and fulfillment looks like and satisfaction in your life and real profound joy—what that could be like—then you can start making decisions for yourself that are going to take you in that direction. All right, you guys, that's all I got for you today. I hope you've enjoyed the video. I could go on for like another hour on this, but I—I got stuff to do today, so, uh, anyway, if you like the video, please like and subscribe, and um, I'll see you in the next one. Until then, stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.