Transcription
All right, let's bring him in. We've been waiting for him all week. Norm McDonald!
Hey Norm. Hey, dude. Meet you. Nice to meet you. Hello, Sierra. Hi there. How are you? Oh, you're scratchy. Oh, yeah. We've got the Miami Vice look going on there. Yeah, baby. Is that what he has? No. Is this your babysitter? Who? What? That's Steve. Hi, Steve. Hi. How are you? He's a stand-up comedian too, and he's performing with you at Tommy T's. Yeah. What's M mean? Are you looking at hands? M for for McDonald? No, it's not. Yeah, those are your headphones. In the last time, look at right and left because you're doing the first examination. They're cans. These are called cans. Did you know that? I did. Actually, I've heard that. You heard that? I did hear that. It's an industry term. Yeah, it's inside stuff though. These are cans, baby. These are just headphones. No one can see that though. Hey, look, there's a camera. There is a camera. Um, yeah, no, I learned that on WKRP in Cincinnati. Oh, did they call them cans on WKRP? Yeah, I don't recall that specifically. I Scott, I loved that show when I was a kid. Yeah, well, I was into, uh, no, I'm saying because the radio is right. Right. No, and I, I like, I'm sure it inspired all the people to get into radio. Let's get into radio. It'll be fun. Hey, you want to do the theme song? It's, uh, yeah, go ahead. No, I don't know. I don't know it either. WKRP in Cincinnati. Maybe it did inspire you to get into radio. Well, I don't, no, it didn't. What inspired me was my failure to be a rock star. Then I said, I think, uh, radio. Why not? Yeah. And I can roll the hits at least. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But then, you know, you get into radio and there, it's, uh, you get kind of sour toward music because you realize what a, what an industry it is. Oh, you do? Yeah. You know, I got sour towards music. Really? How? Because I got an iPod and I put all my favorite songs on them and then I listened to them like 10,000 times each and now I don't like any of them. Yeah. And then you got to go buy. Then what do you do? Will you buy 500 more 99-cent songs? No, no, no. But they're all my favorite songs of my life. Well, you have to wear them out. You've worn them out. Yeah. Yeah. So you're saying you gotta meet the map better. Well, you know, here's the thing. He looks different than last time. Yes, he does look different. It's amazing that you notice that. He's smaller, but just as bald. Yeah. He has a name. And does have a name. So now, do you remember the last time you were here? You do. So many radio stations though. How is that possible? I remember you. Yeah, they're so pretty. And she just grabbed herself in front of you. Yeah, she did do it. Well, I grabbed through the hand like a sweatshirt and two stones. Oh, guys, are you, you know, we noticed that stuff. We don't often see. I was making a cans joke. See what is happening here? You're not doing a good enough job babysitting. Oh, you didn't get to see. I couldn't see. There we go. Thank you. Because Minnie will tell you, I'm just a big flasher. You know what it is about you though, Norm? Is that you're always smiling, but it's those piercing eyes. Like, I actually get really nervous when I'm around you because you're so, yeah, piercing. Yeah, totally. What about me? I got, I got Patrick Stewart on my right over here. Yeah, that's not the first time I've heard that. That's because you look exactly like him. So you guys are doing, uh, every, I'm sorry, no, please, go, go, go. I was gonna just reiterate that you're at Tommy T's. Get your plugs in there. Oh, yeah, we're at Tommy T's, man. You ever go there? Uh, no, I've never been to Tommy T's. If you like comedy, we can get you in. You can? Oh my god, I would love that. And we're actually going to, do you like steak? Oh, do they have good steak? Guitars? Oh my god. Now, when you're doing Tommy T's, do you, uh, do they put you up in a hotel out there and feed you steak? Is that, is that like part of the, that's how they lure you in, right? The Benny's packet. They put us up at the craziest, biggest hotel I've ever seen in my life. Honest to God, they had two basketball courts and three swimming in Pleasanton. Yeah. And this little tiny, in a sleepy berg, they have a, uh, a party that had like maybe a thousand or two thousand people at this party at the Hilton Hotel in Pleasanton. Did you go down and, you know, I'm Norm McDonald. Hello from TV. I'm in your TV. I don't go to parties. You don't go to parties? Why not? Why not? Are you socially awkward? Wait, let them answer. Why not? Why don't you go to parties? I don't care. Yeah, I would say I'm socially very, uh, is that because you're famous? No, that doesn't, wow, that doesn't help. But, uh, yeah, I don't like, I don't like talking to people about stuff at parties, especially now with the politics. Oh, I know. And people are so unreasonable about it. Yeah, you know they are. This, why can't they see it my way? Yeah, you're saying that. Yeah, that just came out of you. I'm including cell phone. This whole thing. I, I'm completely unreasonable about it. I know. I, you know, bring up Sarah Palin to her and watch her. No, no, no, no, no. Watch it. Watch the show. That is the meltdown. I'm not gonna melt down. I'm talking with Norm McDonald and his babysitter Steve. Figure it out. Oh my god. Well, Sarah Palin is an odd, odd case. Odd case in what way? [Laughter] Since you hate talking about politics. Well, it's just odd. It's not, it's, it's un, it's, it's unbelievable. Yes, it's never before been anything like this. No, there hasn't. Yeah. It's like they should have got one of the school teachers at my kid's school. That would have been great. She's got lots of experience working with children. That's what they're saying. That she had a lot of experience because she was a mom. Wow. She's got five kids. She's doing awesome with them too. And the names fantastic. This is, see, this is what's problem with our society though. What is it? When they go, hey, the hardest job in the world is being a mom, or the hardest job in the world is being a teacher. Hard, hard jobs. They're hard jobs. My mom was a teacher. Let me tell you, the two hardest jobs. I think she had the easiest job. The teacher is probably the easiest job on the planet. Why? How can you say that? First of all, my mother and my father were both teachers. They got all the, uh, you get all the vacations that children do. You're always off. You have the entire summer, two weeks Christmas, two weeks Easter. Um, you work in an atmosphere where it's just you and children with young, stupid, short, stupid people. They don't know much. You're brilliant. Yeah. You don't have to learn anything. They're all frightened of you. You can say anything you want. You never take a test. See, I don't know if you've ever gone through. I go now. When I was a kid, I thought my teachers were so smart. Now I have a kid. I meet these teachers. They're, they're not smart at all. How can you say that? Because it's true. They're just like regular goofy people. Well, then, and they have that. And they have the only, uh, my kid's teacher went crazy and they could not fire her because of, uh, because the job so hard. The kids made her crazy. Yeah, but she has whatever you call it, tenure. They don't have that in any other job. No. I know. They have a union that has a stranglehold on, uh, they gotta fire you before your tenure starts. Yeah, that's one of those. They're gonna fire you from the easiest job ever. And then mom is the second easiest job. How? How is that? How do you figure that out? It's a tough job. That is a tough job. But it's not a job. You know that's not a job. Well, it's what you have to do. Isn't anything you have to do job-like? Well, then I guess just cause I don't get paid for it doesn't make it any less a job. Well, I guess the toughest job in the world is a marathon runner or having a cold is a tough time. You know, it's tough. It can be. You got a headache, runny nose. It's not easy. I want to be president. And they're the babysitter's funny. Those are heroes. Those are also the heroes. They're like the real heroes are the moms and the teachers. Well, they are. Not the guys on Iwo Jima planting the flag. Okay, they were heroes too. Not the firemen that run into buildings. No, no, no. One's not a teacher. It's a person that shows up at a school. Is the tallest person in the class. Oh my god. Wow. That's a good one. My mom and dad were both teachers. It's the simplest job in the world. When I was a kid, I thought everyone got that many, that much vacation. I was like, shocked to learn that you, I thought everyone had the summer off. I thought everyone had three weeks off for Christmas. Well, when you're doing your own sitcoms, surely you have six months a year off. I mean, that has to be their ass. Exactly. It's teacher-ask. Don't they say that having a sitcom is about the closest you can get? That's about the hardest job in the world. No, shut up. Yeah, those are the real heroes. Oh my god. You're making the people laugh. Is it easy or is it hard? Oh, do I do a sitcom? Yeah. And be, he's retired work. It's the easiest thing on the planet. They say it's the best. It's the closest to a regular schedule. It's, it makes your life very normal. Yeah, it's very simple. I mean, almost everything in show business is easy. This isn't. This is the hardest job. You're the real, you're the real hero. Yes. Thank you, Steve. Uh, Sarah, Vinnie, the Alice Morning Show, and Norm McDonald, and Steve, whose last name you didn't even give me. You're just calling. Oh, Stevie Ray Vaughan. Do you have to reset or something? I just did. I just reset. I said the name of the station and who's here. Stevie Ray Vaughan. Yes. Stevie Ray Vaughan. He's got one of those, what are those called? Uh, cats? No, I'm talking about the cap, like a paperboy cap. Is that what's that called? It's called a, like a paperboy cap. Have those come back? And then I guess, well, then I wear them. I got a hat here in there in San Francisco. Talking about the cap, like the paperboy cap. Is that what's that called? It's called a, like a paperboy cap. Have those come back? And then I just, well, then I wear them. I got a hat here in, uh, in San Francisco. I got a campaigner hat. You ever wear a campaigner hat? No. You know what that is? No. Uh, you remember, you know, it's flat and it's like straw. Yeah, I do know what he's talking about. Oh, yeah. And they would pin their little, uh, I like Ike buttons on the on the band in the old days. In the band? Yeah, on the band. Nowadays, crazy. If I had hair, I would wear hair. Would you? I mean, I wear a hat. So you wear them. My head gets cold all the time. How come Vinnie's head doesn't get cold? That's why you actually have some hair. I mean, if I didn't know that, you just told me you don't have hair under there. I can see something. There's some on this. I even have some, a little bit. Oh, no, you don't. Read that too. Oh, hold on. I didn't show you the whole thing. 925 says, okay, Norm, come to my fifth grade class. I dare you. Uh, well, uh, well, where does she? Is it, uh, are there black people there? Oh my gosh. Where does that matter? Why is it harder if there's black? Because black people are generally poor, and poor people are generally dangerous. Oh my god. Wow. You just went there. What? Black people are rich. Blind. They're black people span all the strata. No, no, no, no, no. Black people are poorer than white people. You didn't know that? Yeah. Are you two? No, you think what I'm saying is that I don't, I try not to pigeonhole people into black people are poor. Not into the truth. Listen, there's a huge ignored middle-class black population out there. How dare you say black people are poor and therefore dangerous? Because I want them to be not poor. That's why. And really, how are you gonna? What's your plan? My plan is to first of all, uh, admit that the, the black people have less money than white people because we live in a racism. Number is 800-400-FM-97. If you'd like to talk with Norm McDonald, I'm sure he'd love to take your call. Absolutely. Michelle, you're on the air. I just wanted to say that was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. And you know what? That black people are poor. It's hilarious. The teacher thing. And you need to probably act like you're not offended by that because first, you don't have a right to act like you're offended. And that was funny as hell. He is right about black people being poor. You know it. I know. Oh my god. What has happened on the show? Well, he taught us a lot today. I think Mom. Oh, it's a learning channel. For the last 300 years. You're on the air, Normie. Yeah. Hey, baby. Hey, you were awesome on the boss. [ __ ] Ah, thanks, man. That's nice of you to say. You're the best all time on the road. Actually. Oh, really? All right, hold on. Paris, you are on the air. I think that that is completely untrue. Go on. Not all black people are poorer. Amen. Well, I didn't say that. That's what you know. You said black people have less money and less money than white people. You've been to West Virginia? Because there's some white people with no money there. Exactly. Well, okay, okay. You're saying one black person is, uh, has more money than one white person. What about Eddie Murphy? Yeah. What about Eddie Murphy? You're saying by and large, if you break it down, you're right. Of course, black people have less money than white people in general, like as an average. Not all black people have less money than everybody's talking. Okay, listen, listen, listen, guys. In a wheelchair, there's a guy in a wheelchair that can go faster than me in a race. But if I said, guys in wheelchairs are generally slower than me. You know the way you said it was so hard. Give your head a shake. Give your head a shake. Oh my god. All right, thank you. Hey, it's Danielle from Big Brother. Famously black woman. Uh, there's about 40 acres and a mule. But you know what? He's right. Yeah. Go on, Danielle. I mean, if you think a lot, there's been cases where, uh, the same person will apply for a job and at times the other race gets the higher pay. I'm just keeping it real, folks. All right, thank you, Danielle. Chunky, you're on. Good morning, Norm. Hey, what about Mexicans? Are they hard workers? And are Jews stingy? What's the rest of it? And why don't white people have any culture in this country? And I totally hear you about the iPod. I'm sick of all my songs too. All right. Yeah. All right, to sum it all up, Norm McDonald. Well, I'm saying that, uh, having one, try to offend everyone equally. Having less money or having or not having less money is not a na is not a product of your of your nature. It's, it's, it's, it's that you don't have the money because the white people don't give you the money. Supportive of black people to say that. Actually, 707. Supportive of black people are a minute. I'm in a room of racism to have justified my god. The 415 says, maybe we should educate our children a la Lord of the Flies. Norm, just throw all the kids on an island and let them sort out their own society. I can't read that. Yeah, that would probably be better. Yeah, I agree. Sure. Throw them in there and just let the weeks of the week, uh, be killed and the strong survive. And just, oh, that's what, listen, that's what, that's what, that's what we're doing as adults. That, you know, we're, we're doing that as adults. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with them. We are. I just got handed a note. Do you want to keep him for the next segment? At this point, I'm not sure. I'm finding Norm to be, uh, somewhat on the offensive side. You know what though? I love that he's saying all this stuff and then looks over with a big smile. Big smile. He's like, oh man, they're gonna talk about this all day. Well, I didn't know that everyone. I thought, I thought, uh, San Francisco was a little more open than. No, San Francisco actually racist. No, they're not racist. Well, so far, so far. By the way, most people have agreed with me. Lindsay, you're on the air. Hi, Lindsay. Hi. I teach fifth grade. Huh? Yeah, it's hard. Yeah, I'm sure it's hard. I mean, and black people are rich. And I have some black kids in my class that are way richer and way smarter than some of the white kids. Okay, well, you know what? Black people are, are richer than white people. Thank you, John. You're on the air. Hey, Norm. Hey, hey, man. You were, it was easily the greatest thing that ever happened to Saturday Night Live. Ah, thanks, man. That's, yeah. Updates ever. You did. Hello, Letterman. All right, thank you, John. All right, here's what we're going to do. What? Go ahead. Go ahead. Are we going to do another segment with him or not? I almost think we have to because I actually was in the audience when I, you know how I went to Saturday Night Live that one time? I do. And this is one of my favorites. The update. All right, hold that thought. We are going to take a quick break. When we come back, Norm and his babysitter Steve will still be here, offending people left and right. Stevie Ray Vaughan. We're not offending anyone but racists. How do you figure? To make a sweeping generalization. It's a sweeping generalization. It's a statistical fact. It belittles no one. It only, it only states the fact that I hope we can change in this country. If we're going to pretend that black and white people make the same amount of money, then then nothing will ever change. Come on. You know that. Can we just see it as everybody? Well, we can see it any way you want it. If you want to. Sarah's looking for some. You want to live in a fantasy world? Yeah. And you're not going to find it. No. There's not a clean out. You're digging. I'm breaking. Be back. [Music] Allison973. Norm McDonald and Stevie Ray Vaughan are sitting in here with us. The texts are great. Thanks for the phone calls. 800-400-FM-97. You can talk to Norm if you like. All right, our text number is 25423. You can call us at 800-800-400-3697. A text from the 650. I'm a black woman. Norm is right and hysterical. Sarah, you're living in a fantasy land if you think we're all equals. 805 says, rude. I'm a second grade teacher and I hate you. Rude. That sounds like a second grade teacher. No, Jimmy, that was just rude. Can you think of another way to say that? To be a second grade teacher, you just have to be smarter than a second grade student. That's not the only thing you have to be. Oh, wow. Yeah. Basically, you need third grade intelligence to teach second grade. You know everything that they need to know. About a fourth grade teacher, you know, if you're here, you need fourth grade. Here's a question. I don't want any more of your questions. Why? Why do I always hear this from, uh, women? Okay. What? That women make less money than men. I don't believe that that's true in every case. And I don't believe that. Of course not true in every case. Is that true for me? Yeah. No, not, not the case in this room. I think things are changing. And I think that when it comes to racism, things are changing. I think that Black Lives Matter. I think that Black lady made a good point. Which one? I think her name was Ruth. That you're living in a fantasy land because the black people that you encounter probably make a lot of money. 707 on a text. I wish I was a fly on the wall during that last break. I think I heard Sarah yelling, uh, at Norm up here in Healdsburg. I wasn't yelling. Every black interview in this program has lots of money. Wow. No, she actually said she was wrong during that. Which never has happened. I said, what I said was, I'll just say I'm wrong. Oh, so we could stop. Because me and Steve were getting into it. Me and Norm. Forget it. Norm and want to talk to her. In their breakup. No, I'm just gonna sit here and watch. Watch the soup. I've seasoned come to a boil and stare at you with my piercing blue eyes. Oh, hey, can I just talk to you for one second about SNL? And please tell the story. I had never been, and I'm a huge fan, going way back from the first year on. And I got to see you do, uh, The Report. And the way they brought you out was very timely. And you sort of sat down and you were pretty, pretty calm and collected. And then right as they were about to announce you, which I guess you had timed out, you went, when they say my name, go effing crazy. And then they said your name, and it was like, exactly timed out too. We're live. And it just was so amazing the way you guys have that whole thing timed out perfectly. Did you like that? You shouldn't tell people that because now other people will do it. Yeah. It seems like one of the, that actually seems like a hard job to me. I actually feel nervous when I watch Saturday Night Live. Yeah, it's not a hard job, man. You guys, but you must get used to it. Yeah. Wow. Let me tell you something. I, uh, I tarred roofs. I worked in a logging camp. I worked at an oil rig. I know what hard jobs are. These are not hard jobs at all. This is play. This is fun. This is anybody would kill to do the job you're doing because it's not, it's not hard in any way mentally. It is a little taxing. I feel taxing. I feel a little tired after after this job. And you called, what did he say about doing sitcoms? It's retirement work. Right. So you are, waiting for someone to call for your next retirement gig? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just, yeah. I don't pretend that it's a hard driving anyway. How does that work though? Do you get, I mean, could you just throw your name in the hat and they'll offer you another sitcoms anymore? So I've noticed that it seems like there's a Three and a Half Men and Samantha Who? And that's, uh, basically it. Yeah. Unless you want to do something kind of racy on HBO that only lasts 22 minutes. And what's the matter? I get mad. You know, these, those shows end so fast. Stevie was a sitcom writer. He's part of the reason that sitcoms have died off. Which ones did you write for? Roseanne. Grace Under Fire. Wow. That was big. And Two Guys and a Pizza Place. Oh, you did. That's so funny. I was, uh, I, I watched that the first season. I liked that show. And then everyone was like, oh, that show. Like, really? It was a cute show. Yeah, it was funny. You wrote for Grace Under Fire, huh? Yeah, Brett Butler walked out of here on me one time. Oh, really? Yeah, called me racist and left. You were lucky even where she could have stayed. Well, no, she got mad because apparently she only wants chicks, uh, she didn't want to talk to me about any of the, the stuff that people know her for. Like, you know, she was, I just watched her on, we were watching her that morning on Mornings on Two and she's talking to the cute guy that hosted about her fake boobs and all that, you know, all these things. So I'm, we're just chatting and I'm like, so tell me, you know, you wrote this book and there's this whole thing going on with your chest and she's like, I was having fun until just now. Well, maybe you should just leave that. That's a lie. She wasn't having fun. Yeah, I know. She's one of those people that kind of, you know, there's half-smart people that think they're smart, like me. Not like you at all. You're very smart. You just haven't reached like four, at least three quarters, at least three quarters. None of this half business. Let's take a couple of, uh, of calls here. Actually, a couple texts. If you only need three, third grade intelligence to teach second grade, I wonder what Norm would say about me, a preschool teacher. Well, that's kind of obvious. And the 503 says, Norm, thanks for Dirty Work. Still one of the greatest movies ever. What do I need to teach children how to map? Nina, you're on Ambien. I think. Hey, how you guys doing? Good. What's happening? Yeah, listen, the status in society today is white man, black man, white woman, black woman. You think that's the hierarchy? That is the hierarchy. I actually been doing HR statistical analysis for 13 years. And the perfect example of that is they're going to elect a black African-American president before they elect a white woman or black woman, African, um, president. Example right there. I agree completely with what she's saying. That that hierarchy is exactly right. So no matter what, if you're a man, you're at an advantage. And no matter what, if you're a woman, black or white, here we do everything and we get no credit. We get no pay. You got to go out there and get it. I mean, I get my money because I act like a guy when I'm asking for a raise. And women ought to start doing that. You know, show me the money. Let's all do the Cuba Gooding Jr. dance. All right, thank you, Nina. Let's start our own, uh, let's start our own movement, shall we? You got it. And by the way, the hardest time, the hardest job in the world is HR because I have to deal with squirrely people on a daily basis. All right, thanks, Nina. Hey, thank you, Laura. You're on. People who don't want to come out and say, hi, everyone. Hi there. I just wanted to give some love to Norm. Put all the intense talk aside because I know he's so [ __ ] today. It's not intense. He's smiling and laughing and sitting back and laughing as Sarah just turns back. I know that's, I don't understand why people get upset when he's just making observations of what he sees in daily life. All right, thank you. 925 says, this show's great. Norm is so freaking funny. From the working mom, which I think means she's a mom and works. That's tough. Uh, Maggie, you're on the air. It says here, being a teacher, super duper hard work. Uh, yeah, you know, I, uh, I was an attorney for several years. I went to Boalt Law School and I quit being an attorney to be a teacher. And being a teacher is much more difficult work. Is it super duper hard? That's what it says here. You know, I did not say super duper hard. That was either, uh, yeah, human put that in your subject line. Uh, and one final thing. Oh, go ahead. I was going to ask her why it was such hard work. But no, I hung up on her. Jeff, you're on. You get the last word. Yeah. Hi, Norm. Hey, Jack. Big fan. Been a big fan ever since. Love you. Used to love your sitcom. Even I was, uh, sad to see it go. My favorite line on that was, but you're a huge [ __ ]. And I was wondering, were you a voice on Family Guy? Is there a little catchphrase? Yeah, I, I did play Death on Family Guy. Uh, the 415 says, Sarah is an uptight [ __ ] living in fantasyland. She's keeping her cool because Norm is there. But for anyone else, she'll be throwing her usual fit. Norm rules, sir. You do. You do look a little like you're about to. I know you feel like a little response, but you're passionate. You're passionate. And that's what makes you so attractive to me. Something really. It does. You have, you have a lot bundled up today too. I can tell. You have passion. All right, listen, Norm and Steve is our first fight. I'm kicking you guys out of here now. Uh, we actually have to break here at Tommy T's all weekend long. It is great to see you. Next time, I'll be more prepared for your stunning statements that just came out of left field. Ah, I have to say, I get so pissed because I can. Are you gonna rethink it now that everybody agrees with me? And then mentally for the next six months. Good. How are you? Good, man. Good to see you again. I slept one hour. You sat down a little daintily too. Are you, did you work out? Didn't you? No, I was like, you're back. I only slept an hour. Why? What were you doing all night? I had insomnia. Oh, so it wasn't even like you were having fun. Yeah, I just ate. I just ate all the stuff from my mini bar and stayed up all night in your hotel. Yeah, you had a. I ate a big jar of cashews that you have to like open in a very odd way. It's about about a half a pound of cashews in my belly right now. Well, that's a dog. Why are they putting good stuff in those minutes? Well, why don't you not eat the stuff that's there? Because I was, I had six hours where I couldn't sleep. So you could try lying down and closing your eyes. Because that, and turn the lights off. Yeah, I did that actually. But also the guy, like, I couldn't get a wake-up call. So I was kind of, uh, freaked out because the front desk guy, who was some, uh, of some, uh, English was not his first language. Where are you staying? You know, you're a star. Right? Don't. You can't say where he's staying cause I'm sure. Well, okay, that's my phone only rings in the sweet part, not the one beside my bed. Oh, so I was freaked out about the wake-up call. So I stood to the guy, I said, I got to get a wake-up call. Like, but I wanted to be in my bedroom, like not in the other room where I can't hear it. And he's like, yo, don't worry, you would wake up. So I said, well, what does that mean? What, like, he goes, you'll wake up, but don't worry about that. So I said, why would I wake up? That doesn't make sense. Because you'd wake up. Like, he was like, uh, like, and would you have a shaman or something? What would you have woken up? No, how do you know if I would have woken up by myself? But then I said, well, I, I'm not going to wake up. I need a weight. Guess what? I need a wake-up call. He goes, well, yes, we will wake you up. So I said, how will you wake me up? Because I can't hear the phone. He goes, we will wake you up. Don't worry about it. I guarantee you, we will wake you up. So that I said, well, I want to know how you wake me up. Now you're freaking me out. Is there going to be like a troop of belly dancers that are going to come in at six o'clock in the morning? And but his is waking up. It was just a guy pounding on my door this morning after my 48 minutes of sleep. But they actually had a guy pound on your door? Yeah. So that's a weird hotel because normally it's that, here's the, you know, Mr. McDonald, it's time to get up or whatever, you know. Well, a lot of wake-up calls now are, it's not a human being or it's nobody. It's just that the jangly hotel phone rings, you pick it up, and there's no one there. And you're like, that's frightening to me. It is. Phones are frightening to me. Why is that, Norm McDonald? Well, you know how so? No, you're not actually frightened by phones. I know. Yes, I am. No, yeah, you're not frightened by a phone. Of a phone. Like, let's say, uh, someone phones you, like prank calls you. Do you ever have this? I don't do that anymore though. Not prank call caller ID. But I'm saying, like, just your phone rings and then you go and answer it and it's nobody. And you hang up. And then later the phone rings again. Like, it's jarring. It's, it's even in horror movies. Do you know what I'm saying? No. Well, let's say, you know, you know how you have a cell phone? It's the theme from the Beverly Hillbillies or whatever you want to put on it, right? You know, and you answer it. And, uh, that actually reminds me. My friend who has a very bad, depressing life, but his cell phone, right, the theme on it is the theme from Benny Hill. And you're picking little naked guys running around, the guy getting the slap on the back of the head. But his life is really sad and depressing. To cheer himself up, I mean, he goes for Benny Hill. No, but he'll go like, you guys like, ah, because his wife has, uh, has pancreatic cancer. Oh, Jesus. That stuff is rampant these days. Everybody's getting it. It's Patrick Swayze. It's the big thing. So after your testicular cancer this year, pancreatic. Yeah. So, uh, so he'll go like, and his son won't talk to him, you know, and he goes, he'll go like, oh God, I, I know that harpy's gonna phone and start telling me about her chemotherapy. I hope she doesn't phone. You know, I'm so depressed. Wait a minute. You're talking about him talking about his wife, the harpy? Yeah, his wife, the harpy. Because she has a heartbeat these days. How old is this guy that you're friends? She's 68 years younger. [Laughter] But she is a harpy. All she'll talk about is her, uh, her pancreatic cancer. Well, you have pancreatic cancer. See how many other subjects come to mind for you? You know, it's an interesting thing. A person dies now because Patrick Swayze was on the internet. All of a sudden, they're courageous because they're battling and not just lying down for it. Well, well, I'm, I'm not gonna. I don't know. We have to make them feel better about it. I mean, you've got people. You're not gonna lie. I'm not gonna be courageous. What are you gonna do? I'm gonna just be going, oh, please don't take my grandson. Not me. Oh, don't take me. I'm, if there is such a thing as a devil, I'd be glad to make a deal with you because I don't want to die. Well, nobody does, Norm. Well, some people seem all right with it. I made, actually, this is actually serious. I made a living will because they told me I should. Yeah, that's what they tell you. Do you have people to give the stuff to? I mean, well, you know, it's, do you have a heartbeat in your own life? No, there's no living real. Is not a will. A living will is what happens in case you become a vegetable. Do not resuscitate or take my organs. Or are you giving away your organs? Do you have a? No, I'm really saying this is kind of selfish, but I'm, I'm, I told him never to pull the plug. Never to, uh, he did not. Right. I don't want to. Didn't. That's what I have in my living will because I don't want to die. So unfortunately, uh, because I had to discuss it with lawyers and everything, uh, it's gonna run my money all out. And then you'll wake up from this. I'm hoping that I'll wake up, but my money will run out. And so, you know, my child won't get any of my money or anything like that. So you have a child? Yeah. The child. But he won't be getting any of my money if I happen to go into a vegetative state because for a lengthy period. Did they bring that up? Do you like, wow, this is really selfish of you, Norm. Maybe you should consider putting some money aside for the boy. Uh, well, now I'm not allowed to because I have to deplete all my money before then. Before then, they can, they'll pay for it themselves. The hospital, you know, right? They, they, they're forbidden not to keep you on life support. Is that even after all your funds have run out? They can't. Well, he can't pay for it because I know what happens because I've seen it so many times. Like, you're in, you're, you're the vegetable, you know, and then they go, hey, they go, take your, get your relatives around. They go, uh, what do you guys think? And then your relatives go, I think Norm said he wanted to die. I think he said he wouldn't want to be a burden. And all this stuff, you know, there's a lot. And so you're putting it right in the wall up. I want to be a burden. Burden. Well, I, listen, I'm the vegetable. If, if being a burden is my mother not going to her bridge game like a burden is my mother not going to her bridge game a couple times so she can come and touch my hand. Sorry, sorry for burdening your life. Hey, Norm, are you in therapy at all? No. Really? Psychotherapy? Yeah. Have you ever like sat with a therapist and? No, I don't believe in psychotherapy. You don't? Really? Why is that? Because I've read, uh, psychotherapists. Yeah. And I don't agree with their. Do you do your own psychoanalysis? Do you? I have my own beliefs, right? But do you spend a lot of time in like sort of self-reflection? Yes, I ruminate. Do you? Yeah. I have a theory that, uh, that that people are in deep denial of death, right? And I'm not, you know, you don't want to. No, no. I think I think most people don't think they're gonna die. Well, yeah. You know what's funny that you say that? Because just even in the last week, I'm like, nobody really thinks they're gonna die. Yeah. Like, you just can't get your head around it because you're so busy living, right? It's almost impossible to comprehend, right? And everything you see is living. Even if someone else dies, it's always a shock because they've always been alive. Yeah. So, so it's very hard. It is a hard thing to wrap your mind around. I'll be doing a lot of this at Cobb's Comedy Club. Are you? Are you a happy person? Like, in general? Am I? Are you a happy person? Because I, you always have a slight smile, but it's, you know, is, are you a sad person? I know. I mean, I think things are funny. I laugh a lot, but that doesn't necessarily translate into like happiness. If I'm laughing, I'm happy, I guess. Where do you live? I live in Southern California. Do you have a nice house? No, I live in a very small apartment. You have an apartment? Yes. Oh, I'm surprised that you don't have like a big, you know, you're not McDonald. Well, I don't like things. Oh, I never have, really. No, I've always felt very burdened down by them. Do you have a pet? The only thing I, I can't throw away is when my child gets me a present. Yes. So, so I have those things, but otherwise, I just have a. How old is your kid? What? I don't just have a bag. Well, I have a, I don't know. I have a coffee pot. No, I don't know. A teapot? No, I don't. I always eat a microwave. I was eating at Joe's Diner that's near my apartment. Is this all true? Are you making this up? You just can't tell because he's got that. Yeah. So you bring a girl home or a friend over and there's no place for. What? I don't. I don't have sex with girls or men. Wait a minute. Norm McDonald. Norm, you're a sexy dude. Yeah, but I don't know. And you never, you never go out. When's the last time you had sex? I have probably 10 years ago. Shut up. Yeah, I have sex. I have, I, I have sex like by masturbating. Yes. Yeah. But I, I find, uh, sex very repetitive and dull and and kind of pointless. You're ki This is a bit. No, it's not. I, I, I had a lot of sex when I was a young man. When I was young, when I was 19 or 20, I had a lot of sex. And it, it's just the same thing over and over, right? It feels really good. So start from the beginning and do it again. I mean, why wouldn't it be too much? Eating ice cream. Eating ice cream is really good too until you, you're tired of it, you know. And the next day, you try a different flavor. There's thousands of flavors of ice cream. But they're not of women. Do you live in hookers? Ever? No, I've never been to a process. This attitude you have could be said for anything though. I know. For anything. Anything. Yeah. Well, I, I don't do very much. You just don't like people in general. Yeah. You hate people or you hate women. No, I'm fascinated by people and by women. I'm just saying I don't need to, uh, I don't. But don't chicks throw themselves? I would think that after show, you're hilarious. Fascinated. Tell you the truth, I find sex to be very a very filthy act. Are you a germaphobe? I know. I mean, I don't mean filthy, I mean filthy in the sense of shameful. Really? Were you raised Catholic? No. No. He's doing a bit. I'm not doing a bit. I find it really hard to believe you haven't had sex in 10 years. I think what I. No, no. I think that sex is shameful and that people have sex knowing that it's shameful. And again, it's like death. They just live in this pair of fools paradise where they pretend it's not. I mean, obviously people don't have sex in public, so there must be some shame. Some people do. But it's, well, it's because you don't want to be caught in that compromise. You know, you're not exactly compromised at your most attractive when you're having sex. There's all these. Well, there's social norms. You don't go. So it's a bathroom in public either. But I'm not ashamed of that. Exactly. What I'm not ashamed of going to the bathroom. It's part of taking in to stay alive. You have to evacuate. That's not. I'm not ashamed of that. That just comes with the territory. Of course. And you have to, you have to ejaculate too. But I evacuate and ejaculate, uh, in in private. I don't do. I don't evacuate in front of a per another person. That's exactly what I'm saying. So you're not ashamed of it. You do it in order. I am a child. He is ashamed of it. That's how you do it alone. Do you evacuate in front of people? No, but I'm saying I'm not ashamed. I'm just, it's just not polite. It's not associated. It's something that you share with somebody else. I mean, are you? Is it? Is it a fear of intimacy? Just do not let anybody too close? No, no. I'm not afraid for that. Who's your best friend? Who is your best friend? My best friend. Who do you call it? If you have a problem or something is going down in your life, who do you call? I don't. I tried to like, I tried to look at life headlong. Are you telling me you don't have a confidant in your life that you call up and say, you know, I'm just not, I'm not feeling too hot? You know, you know, someone, someone to talk crap out with? No, I don't. I used to do that kind of stuff. But what happened? I came to the realization that that we're all plunging headlong. Somebody hurt you. Who cares? So that's why you should live. You only have into headlong into death. The idea of grabbing on to another human being just to touch them for a moment on your way seems futile to me. It seems more pathetic than facing it. Just to me personally. I, I don't condemn people for doing it, but I don't. I like looking. I try to look at life square.
In the eye, as terrifying as it is. And it is, it is the most terrifying thing there is. What, being alive? Yeah. But because being alive means, means dying.
But, norm, that is such a fatalistic way to look at it. There's so much in life that you are denying yourself. And I think that you think you have reasons for it. But if you don't have someone that you can... Don't you ever, do you ever cry? Do you cry all by yourself? There's no one that you can call. You need a therapist. You need to be in therapy. I think somebody broke you. Somebody either hurt you or broke your heart, or you were betrayed by a friend. You don't trust people. You won't let anybody get close to you. You hide it all behind smiling clown. "No, no one did anything to me. I was just smiling." Somewhat non-spirited clown. "No one did." Alone.
"You weren't broken. Live alone and I'll die alone, just like my father did." And he didn't. He had kids at one point. He was married, right? But he died for it. Why didn't he die alone? Because everyone... Were you? Everyone dies alone. Where, where? I mean, all you can hope for is someone watching you die. But I don't really... Well, you won't have that because you don't have any friends. No, I don't want to see. I don't want someone to watch me die. You just said you want your mother to miss a bridge game and come and put her hand on yours. Well, that's when I'm in a vegetative state, in order to stay alive, you know what I mean? Anything to stay on.
I was confused by you last time you were on here. I didn't... I was like, what are his motivations? Wouldn't you like to stay alive? Wouldn't you like to live forever? Not really. Well, you're only saying that because it's, because I know it's impossible. However, I'll tell you something. If a vampire came along right now, could give me immortality, I would totally go, "Yeah, yeah, absolutely." Especially with those superhuman strengths that they have. This, plus they're sexy.
I'm taking some calls for you. You ready for this? Okay. Uh, Chunky, you're on the air with Norm McDonald, who's at Cobb's all weekend. Go ahead.
Hey, Norm. Uh, listen, man. I don't know when you went Colonel Kurtz and went up the river, but you totally remind me of, uh, Marlon Brando when he's an "Apocalypse Now." "Horror... the horror." Uh, I will come and watch you die, Norm. Oh, that's so sweet, Chunky. Thank you. Chunky needs friends too. I want to say, you've made me feel dirty, and I'm, I'm all right with that.
Norm, let me ask you something seriously. What do you do for fun? Like, any one, name one thing you do for fun. For fun? For fun? Like, I'm going to have some fun tonight. I've got today. Today, here's what I'm going to do. Is it spend money? It's not go shopping. You don't get, you don't decorate the place. What do you do?
Um, uh, some, I, I guess the only thing I do is I like to read sometimes. You're a lion. I do. That's right. I mean, that, that makes... Do you play video games? Do you play cards? Do you solitaire? I read a lot of, uh, Mark Twain. There's only so much Mark Twain. And, uh, yeah, I'm reading "Letters from Hawaii" now. Something I've never read before. But, uh, I read like stuff that I read. A lot of literature. I reread it a lot. No, you don't go to movies. Ah, but I did see a movie. That's a "Gran Torino." And, yeah, that's a good movie. You liked it? Yeah. Did you go alone? Yeah, of course you did.
Tim, you're on. I'm running to the pharmacy right now to, uh, uh, fill my, uh, antidepressant prescription right now. No doubt. Oh, the problem with antidepressants is, you then, you don't face life. I mean, why not just? You're not facing. I just don't. I have a news flash for you. You're not facing life. You're not living your life. You're waiting it out. You are waiting it out.
Norm, Norm, you have everything from the outside. You're hilarious. You are a good-looking guy. You're famous. You have beautiful blue eyes. You're, you're Norm McDonald. And you are, you're, you're, you're shattering my image of you. Like, you could, you could be a player. Like, you're, you could have whatever you want. Clearly, you want nothing. And you just want to be depressed. You're depressed. No, no. I'm about to pass it on. Someone. Noah is depressed. But having nothing and having something are exactly the same thing.
What are you reading? Carlos Castaneda. I don't know. Those are some books you should read. Okay. But all I'm saying is, since eternity, uh, since life is, if, if you know mathematics, a, a, a fraction of infinity is, uh, zero, no matter what the fraction is. You know what I'm saying? You could live a hundred years, a thousand years, a billion years. It's all zero if it's on a continuum of eternity. So it doesn't matter what you do or what you don't do. So why don't you go crazy? Why don't you go effing crazy?
I don't go crazy. I don't go crazy because I don't allow myself the, uh, any fun or joy in your life. No, I forgot about. I don't allow myself the delusions that other people allow themselves. So I know you have to go crazy in some way to survive life. But I try to not do that.
Steve, you're on the air with allegedly not crazy Norm McDonald's. I love it. Norm, you're so full of it. Full of it. I can't believe you guys are going along with this. I mean, so you don't believe it? You think he's been late in the last 10 years and he's got a very full, happy life and he's just showing us this like pretend Norm McDonald's. He's not seeing how long he can drag you guys along with it. And you guys are just going along with it. No, we're not. This is it. That is it. I've been saying it's a bit all along. Aren't you listening?
Well, either way, it's the same. Oh my god. It happens to be true, but it doesn't really matter if it's believed or not. You're telling me some little honey comes up to you at the show and she's like, and she's nice, and, and she also reads. I'm not really. I'm not interested in sex. She loves Mark Twain and she's like, "Let's go." She's not even offering sex. She's not even offering sex. I mean, a lot of women aren't interested in sex. She's all, "Hey, let's, you know, it's late. You want to go have a cup of coffee? I would love to talk to you about that book you mentioned on stage. You know, Mark Twain is my favorite too." Uh, I, I think I would talk to some people, but I, I don't. I'm not much interested in small talk.
So let me ask you this about women though. So you don't even have physical attraction before you get to the point of talking yourself out of it? There's never a moment where you're like, "Wow, she's really pretty." Oh, like, I think she's hot. Tap that. No, I'm not. I think I can see that she's pretty and stuff like that, but I'm far beyond. I'm not a child. I'm not a child. You know what I mean? If I look at a game of Monopoly, I don't go, "I gotta play that." If I look at a shiny bead, I don't go, "I have to have that." And roll it around my fingers. You know, when you, as the scriptures say, you know, when, when you're a boy, you do boy's things. And when you're, when you're a man, you men still do it. I don't know if you're. I know they act like boys. But why is that boyish? That's human. Human child. It's being a child for your whole life. I know most people are children for their whole life, and it's a way of having fun. So you think you're more evolved? No, no. It's just, no, I don't think I'm worried at all. I just think that I'm a child. I just. I'm not a child. When you're home, I'm not the same as I am when I was five years old.
When you're home in your squad, empty apartment, all by yourself. And, uh, whatever you say, there's nothing in it. Spoiled means filthy. Yes, it's acidic. All right. It's empty. And you're in your tiny, empty, lightless apartment. Lightless and lifeless. So you're in there. You're all alone. No pets, right? No. Yeah. Nothing. You go home to the empty apartment and the spider that lives in the corner. Yeah. And its descendants. Uh, and you're, you're on the couch and you're like, you know what? I got nothing else to do. And I think I'll get myself. What do you think about when you close your eyes? What do you fantasize about? Right there must be something going on there. Fat. I don't fantasize. You don't picture some boobs. You don't. Oh, oh, you mean I'm saying what you must have some fans when you get yourself. Please don't say that because it's not a news show. That's what she means. When you're abusing yourself. [Laughter]
Do you drink? No, I don't drink. You don't drink or smoke? Smoke pot? No, I don't. Danny, are you on, uh, Vicodin? No. No, I wanna, I wanna face. I wanna face the life of four square. Wait, go back to the question. Okay. So you close your eyes, you're on the couch, you're like, "Well, I guess it's time. I got something else to do." I mean, you purposely not masturbate? I mean, uh, fantasize, Jesus. Do you purposely not fantasize so it'll take longer and eat up more of this life than you know what's going on? I try to. I try to not fantasize. Yeah, you're exactly right. I try not to fantasize because I think that's madness. What? Well, pretending that you're doing something. Don't even pretend. Just picture. But I mean, that's per. That's pretending. So you don't need any inspiration and you don't care how long it takes. I know. I don't need inspiration like, uh, like the evacuation thing. You don't need inspiration for that. It's just a bodily function.
Brenda, you're on with Norm McDonald, who's at Cobb's all weekend long. Hi, Norm. My husband and I really wanted to see you, but I have to tell you, you kind of made us uncomfortable when we saw you in Honolulu. We thought, "Oh, maybe, maybe it's not a good idea. He doesn't like us already." Tell the story. Tell the story, Brenda.
Wait, so you're in Hawaii? You run into Norm McDonald? No, it was more of a pass by. And it was pretty clear the eye contact that he, like, "Please don't talk to me. Please don't even pretend like you recognize me at all. Just, just let me pass on by with my folks and call it a day." So everything that he's telling you, everything that he's telling you guys... No, no. Don't apologize. But let me just tell, let me tell, um, that I don't usually ever do that. You don't use it? Well, I mean, it was, it was a layover. Did you say hello to me or is it what was that? Did you say hello? Or I tried to. We smiled at you and everything, and, and you were coming our direction, and we were going the other way. And you're really shifty. I'd... We made eye contact for quite some time. And, uh, my husband was loving me and he's like, "Oh, McDonald's." I know, I know. And, you know, we didn't want to bother you or anything because we're at the airport. We're in Honolulu. We figured you wanted. There was no one else around though. It was outdoors, and he was with his folks, and it was just his family and my family. And we really wanted to just say, "We love your work." And that's it. But, I mean, just that he made eye contact with us, and he was really shifty-eyed about it. We could tell. We're like, "Okay, he really doesn't want to be bothered right now." He almost implies that he's got something to hide. Yeah. But that just might. People come up to me all the time and I talk to them endlessly. Do you really? I wanted to chase after you, but then I didn't want to seem like a crazy fan or anything. We just wanted to shake your hand and say, you know, that you enjoyed your work over the years. And, but at the same time, we wanted to respect your, your space. And I, I thought maybe I could confirm that there might be some truth to everything you're saying today, even if it is a bit. All right. Thank you, Brenda. Oh, well, whatever.
So you go to Hawaii though? You went to Hawaii? Yes. Recently? The last part. I go to Hawaii every Thanksgiving. Why? Because, uh, I take my, uh, whole extended family. For them? Yeah. I don't know. And they count on you for that. Do you pay for? You foot the bill because you're Norm McDonald? Yes, I do. You do. But you find zero pleasure in that, I'm sure. Oh, no. He must like family. Great pleasure in my son being happy. Ah, hmm. How old is your son? He's, uh, what? 10, 15. You liar. He's sick. He's a six-year-old. You just about that. You had sex in the last 10 years? My son's 16 years old. He's sick. No, he's 16 years old. He's 16. So is he a confidant? Do you call him and, you know, do you ever share personal, you know, trials and tribulations and triumphs? I would never do that to a child. He's 16. As you have said, he can't be a child forever. When are you going to put the hard realities of life on him? Um, well, that's an interesting question. That is an interesting question because, uh, my, I actually, uh, have love for my son. Yes. Like, of course. Deep love. He's your son. And so, uh, um, I don't want to damage him with the way you were damaging the harsh damage. I don't know. I had a great. No, but I don't. I don't want to damage him with any viewpoints I may have because he's not ready yet for reality. I think children aren't ready for reality for a while. But I do tell them that education is pointless. What does his mother say? She thinks that he should go to college. Yeah. Yeah, he should. And everyone can. Don't waste your money. Yeah. I'm saying it's, it's just arbitrary nonsense. You know, it's. I tell him, even the classes he takes now, it's, it's just, it's just ridiculous. You know, that algebra has no meaning and nothing unless he becomes an engineer. Do you have no hope for this? Unless he becomes a math teacher, math professor. But I mean, you know, they, you think it's a coincidence that they have six subjects out of 10 billion that they teach in school? You need basic language. It's lovely when the school has art or music, which none of them do anymore. A little PE to keep us from getting fat. Yeah, come on. Yeah. Now they have. Well, science. Some of the basic science stuff. Sure, they do. Of course, they do. No, I tell them if he wants to go to college, you should, uh, you should have a goal, you know, to be. He can't. He's 16. No kid that's 16 has a goal. Their goal is like to be a rock star or have sex. Right? I mean, that's actually the goal. Does he want to have sex? Or did you tell him, "Oh, bother with that"? That's, that's nothing boring about just repetitive over and over the same thing. Discuss something like that with them. I hold them in too high esteem.
Um, we are, we're super short on time. I've already missed my traffic thing. I'm fascinated. I don't know whether to slap you or hug you. Like, seriously, I feel like someone needs to shake you and knock some sense into you. Uh, we are going to take a short break. Maybe you. What? Maybe knock sense into me? No, I'm doing fine. I'm, I'm good over here. Oh, me too. No, you're not. I'm telling you. I know from broken people. Norm McDonald. We'll be right back. It's Allison 97.3. Uh, Norm's at Cobb's all weekend long.