how to get over your fear of being seen (the spotlight effect)

You don't want to do what I did, waiting for years and years to begin executing your dream life because of fear, because of guilt, because of change. No, because you're smarter than I was. These are seemingly catastrophic emotions that are actually quite trivial. But if you continue to use them as an excuse for why you can't leave your comfort zone, then you're going to be stuck in this exact position one year from now, still praying for change but running from it, still begging for success but fearing it, and hoping for freedom but being scared of it.

So how do you make changes when change is terrifying? I got you. Here's my three-part framework. I wrote this: "Freedom is all I want, but to hope for it, I feel ashamed because it is not a question of hope; it is a question of taking a risk." This video is going to be a complete breakdown of how you're going to go from afraid of being seen and leaving your comfort zone to confidence, ease, and excitement in the entire experience. You can finally start living your Pinterest board life, because let's be honest, I can make you an entire step-by-step plan, but being scared to execute it will make it useless. So it is my duty to help you through this very real fear and exit your self-sabotage era.

A man, a great man, a fighter for Freedom, was traveling into the mountains. He stayed in a caravan Sarai for the night. He was amazed that in the Caravan Sarai there was a beautiful parrot in a golden cage, continuously repeating, "Freedom, freedom." The Sarai was in such a place that when the parrot repeats the word "Freedom," it goes on echoing in the valley. The man thought, "I've seen many parrots, and I have thought that they must be desiring to be free from those cages, but I have never seen such a parrot whose whole day, from morning to the evening, is spent in asking for freedom." In the middle of the night, he got up and opened the door of the cage. The owner was fast asleep, and he said to the parrot, "Now get out." But he was very surprised that the parrot was clinging to the bars of the cage. He told him again and again, "Have you forgotten about Freedom? Just get out; the door is open, and the owner is fast asleep. Nobody will ever know; you just fly into the sky; the whole sky is yours." But the parrot was clinging so deeply, so hard, that the man said, "What is the matter? Are you mad?" He tried to take the parrot out with his own hands, but the parrot started hitting him and at the same time started shouting, "Freedom, freedom!" The man was also so stubborn; he pulled the parrot out and threw him into the sky. And in the morning, as the man was becoming awake, he heard the parrot shouting, "Freedom, freedom!" He thought, "Perhaps the parrot must be sitting on a tree or on a rock," but when he came out, the parrot was still sitting in the cage; the door was open.

I share that story as the theme of today's video: wanting freedom and change but clinging so hard onto your comfort zone for safety, but also spending your days, hours, and minutes daydreaming of a different life, a different you, giving into fear.

Step number one: Understand why do we have crippling fear and anxiety when it comes to being seen? Let's run it back to the prehistoric days because I want to illuminate how much this is not your fault. It might seem like you're alone and like, "Why do I have these thoughts? I'm so stupid for having these thoughts; why can't I just be a normal person?" But I want you to understand that everybody has this inherent wiring; some people have just bypassed it at a quicker and easier rate. Lizard brain helped our ancestors not die; it kept them safe, ensuring them another day of survival. So by default, humans are wired to seek predictability, stability, and safety. But this wiring is outdated. We don't have tigers to fear; mating privileges are not handed out to us by the head of the tribe; and we don't need to stay in one place for centuries because it's hazardous to venture out and move. Yes, these once served as very valid, rational human thoughts but are now just a modern-day burden.

You might also share my experience where one or several life challenges have engrained this fear of change even further into our already inherent wiring. My parents got divorced when I was in the 8th grade; my life changed overnight. I spent the next 10 years bouncing from parent to parent, all while witnessing extreme changes in my parents. I hated change, not because change is scary or negative, but because my experience with change was scary and negative. Fear of change, being seen, or anything of that sort had an intense grip on my life, like maybe it does to you. I ended up tolerating it; I made friends with it; I became familiar with it, so I just left it. My acceptance of it prevented me from making any new friends in university, prevented me from doing a semester abroad in Africa, and prevented me from beginning a relationship with a really amazing guy—basically, anything that makes life worth living, I ran from. So I put an end to it. And if I was able to escape a 20-year run with hating change, fearing the outside world, and living with only safety in mind, then you can too, and that is my guarantee.

Taking me to step number two: Identify there's a root cause, and it's not just your prehistoric wiring. So let's figure it out. I pulled three very common reasons as to why we might fear being seen or fear change, and when I say common, I mean very personal. These were the reasons I played it small and avoided change for several years.

Number one: Haters. Now I put friends and family in this section because, unfortunately, your friends and family can be some of your worst haters. This causes an intense fear of being seen and an intense fear of change because you're afraid of how they will react to it. This is the mantra that helped me get through this: That is not a me problem; that is a them problem. You just have to simply not care. And I know it's easier said than done, but it goes back to the abundance mindset I mentioned in this video. If not these friends, then the real friends that you will meet inevitably once you start embodying change and start embodying the real you, you will never be out of friends; they are not scarce. So don't let that stop you. Please do not let the fear of not having friends stop you from pursuing change, leveling up, and becoming the version that you want to be. When you outline your dream self, that is the version that is in your heart for a reason. You know there's a version of you in a different reality—this is all quantum physics—that exists that is living out the reality that you dream of every single day. It's there for a reason; people don't just get these desires just because the universe is so evil and wants to just give us things that are not attainable. A version of us is living this out, so if you have this desire, it is a very real thing; you can get it; you just have to pursue the things that are going to take you there, and letting go of certain friends is one of those things. I had a friend group of 20, and I let them all go because the version of myself that I was starting to grow into was very uncomfortable for them. See, the people in our environment around us that see us daily, that interact with us all the time at school, at work, have a very different version of you in their head. When they start seeing a change in you, it starts to threaten the version of you that is in their head that makes them feel safe and confident about themselves in their world. When it comes to family, it's not as easy as just, "Let them go." Go. Maybe your family is really toxic, and you might need to consider an alternative plan, but nine times out of 10, most families are not textbook toxic. Unfortunately, the word "toxic" has become a mainstream buzzword in the West where most families are not actually toxic. They might be of a certain ethnic background, like mine, where it's a cultural tendency to be overly critical, overly judgmental, lack self-awareness, be overbearing, and give unsolicited opinions. I need you to evolve anyway. I learned that if your family really loves you, if this person really loves you, whatever version you present to them, it might first feel uncomfortable to them, but because of their love for you, their genuine love for you and their genuine intentions for your life, they will adjust and adapt because you are holding so strongly onto that version; you are presenting that version of yourself to them with conviction. It might take an adjustment period; it might bring out their own insecurities, or it might even cause some resentment toward you because you're taking action on your life, and you are doing something about becoming the best version of yourself. But you continue to say the mantra I told you: It's not a me problem; it's a them problem. It is not your responsibility to manage the emotions of your friends and your family. You don't want friends who make you feel like you have to dim your presence, your light, just so they feel comfortable. I once had a friend that told me, "I will continue to be friends with you if you don't make me feel like you're my sidekick anymore." That was a her problem, not a me problem; it's her issue that she feels like that in my presence. When you're being your authentic self, when you have that magnetism and you're working on becoming the best version of yourself, you are automatically going to get attention; it is a byproduct of working on yourself. Sometimes friends cannot handle that; it brings out their own insecurities. But remember, that is not a permission slip that they're giving to you to say, "Tone it down a little bit; dim your light a little bit; I'm feeling a little bit insecure, and I'd just like you to take it down a bit." No, you drop that friend really quick.

This is another side of it: I always boxed myself into one version of myself, one personality, one set of likes, one set of dislikes because that's what my friends and family expected of me. But here's the kicker, and this is something that you might experience on your journey: You aren't doing these things because you're a people-pleaser; you're doing it because you get to use that as the scapegoat as to why you can stay in your comfort zone just a little bit longer. "Oh, it's my friends and family's fault that I can't express myself, so I have to be this way because they're going to judge me; they're going to reject me." When you shift blame, your ego becomes satisfied. But what do I always tell you? Your life is your responsibility; you're not living the life you want; it's nobody else's fault but yours. My suggestion: Get a bucket, fill it with a bunch of "no Fs given," and start throwing them out left, right, and center.

Rejection: The second reason for fear, and let's start with dating because we have to really talk. You're punching below your weight—for why? For what? Fear is the primary emotion; rejection is a secondary emotion. A fear of being seen is so prevalent in dating and relationships, which can seriously influence the kind of men that you attract, the relationships that you get into, all because you're afraid of dating up. Maybe you think you're not good enough, okay, maybe, or maybe there's a bigger chance of getting rejected when you're going for a guy who you think is more amazing than you, who you are putting on a pedestal. This person might not even be qualified to be on this pedestal, but because you haven't worked on your self-love, you're putting them on a pedestal, so you're playing it small in dating. This messed-up mentality will not serve you; it will just give you a shitty life. You have to allow yourself a chance to show yourself to be vulnerable and allow good men into your reality because remember this mindset from this video: This or better.

Secondly, in rejection: Rejection of self. What if you change? What if you evolve? What if you start living the life of your dreams? What will happen? "Do I deserve this? Am I worthy of all this amazingness? I feel like a little bit of an impostor; should this be happening to me? Like I'm looking at you right now, like, should it be happening to us? Who will I turn into? Will I be a snob? Will people think I've changed?" Okay, get over it. We can't predict that. As long as you are a good human right now, you will be a good human when the amazingness, the thriving, all the juiciness comes into your life. They say that money isn't inherently evil; it's actually very neutral; it's the person that makes it good or bad. If you, at your core, are a good person, when money comes into your life, it'll just exacerbate that already good character within you. If you're an [inaudible], it will magnify that. If you're not, then you have nothing to worry about. You deserve to be this version of yourself; you deserve to share your voice; to be seen; you deserve all of it. Don't reject that because of fear.

All right, this is the Big Daddy: Attention. You want it, but you're scared of it. You're not alone. I dress like this for a reason because I didn't want anybody noticing me, staring at me, or focusing on my existence. When you're scared of attention, like I was, there comes an inability to hold a conversation. So you might be thinking right now, "I'm shy; I'm awkward; I just can't talk to anybody; I'm not personable enough." No, no, no, no, no. You're just scared of their attention and their focus on you. You might be like me, where you will rush conversations because you're afraid of people noticing your words and actually paying attention to what you're saying, so you'll rush through really quickly. No one really hears what you're saying; nobody can really tell if you've made a mistake, and you're just like getting through it at lightning speed because you don't want anybody noticing you and actually hearing you. So what's the solution? Get comfortable with your appearance and bring value to your mouth. This, this is the confidence-competence loop. When you are competent at something—like making a really good cup of tea; I love tea—you will do that with conviction, and you will actually offer up your services of making that cup of tea 'cause you know that you kill that tea every single time. But now, if someone were to ask me, "Vita, can you make me a cup of coffee?" I wouldn't be feeling very confident in that because I'm not competent at it; I'm awful at making coffee. I would probably stumble, or I would probably just hide altogether. So building your competence will increase your confidence. You are most likely afraid of attention and scared of it because you feel like you don't have anything valuable to add. You might hate your body, like I did, so you actively try to hide it. You might feel unintelligent or that you're not good at anything, so you clam up in conversation. You might feel so insecure about your teeth that you don't want to talk because you don't want to draw attention to this area of your mouth. I, as well, had experience with this. So those are just a few of many that you can be experiencing; those are all my personal experiences, so that's why I use them as an example. But I want you to sit here and explore some ideas. This is a list of ideas that you can explore as to why you might be feeling scared of attention.

Now we know why and what causes a fear of being seen; let's get on to the part where I help you fix it. Time to take action: Pursue the fear. This has to be a literal contract with yourself that no matter what, you are going to go toward the fear that you are feeling; no ifs, ands, or buts. No, "Oh, maybe tomorrow," no, "Oh, I'm feeling a little bit sick today." No, no ifs, ands, or buts; you are pursuing the fear at all costs. Embarrass yourself; put yourself in situations that will get you rejected; expose yourself to the fear so that you start building a tolerance to it and you start strengthening your immunity to it. When you do this, you build up mental resilience to that thing; it no longer becomes this big, scary thing; it becomes a thing that is just a part of your daily life. Taking risks; I am her; making moves; I am her. You are actively practicing discomfort. When you do this, when you say, "No, my thoughts are not controlling me; I am not my thoughts, and my thoughts will not prevent me from living my dream life, from pursuing my dream life," I hate to break it to you, but this is not the wild anymore; we live in actual cities; we are in the modern world; we don't have tigers to fear; we don't have tribe leaders to fear; we are good. The fear that you feel is real, but it is not related to something that's actually going to threaten your life. The fear that you're feeling is related to the fact that this direction is going to get me my dream life, and I feel like I can't handle it. That's why we do all the above steps first; we have to get to the root cause; we have to understand why we're feeling this way, and then we can plan of attack. The fear—that is how you achieve your dream life. You are in charge; this is your life, not the life of this prehistoric trait that used to serve us that does not anymore, that might be currently puppeteering your every move.

Second plan of action: Change your routine; change your life. I know, mind-blowing. When I was depressed, watching YouTube for hours on end, I was gathering all this information. Next day: Get back in bed; watch more YouTube videos; gather more information; day after day after day, until one day I realized, "I've got all this information, but my life hasn't changed yet. Oh, wait; I have to actually apply the information; I've got to actually do something different other than waking up, eating, and then laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, gathering all this information I'm not going to actually use." Yes, we all have this lizard brain, this inherent wiring, but no one is giving you an update for your brain wiring; there's no software update. The only thing that we can do to bypass our prehistoric wiring is to update our hardware; be the software updater ourselves so that we can process things more efficiently and more favorably. So the goal isn't to make drastic changes overnight that make you feel anxious and like, "Oh my God, I can't keep up with this," and make you feel super uncomfortable. The goal is to make small steps every day that compound, that slowly ease you into this process. So you might be thinking, "Okay, now I'm getting over my fear of being seen and changed; where should I actually start my level-up journey?" Watch this video next.