INFJs: Why So Divisive? (INTP)

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INFJs: Why so divisive? I think there are three primary feelings around INFJs in non-INFJs who deal with them: you are enthusiastically positive about them; you are enthusiastically negative about them; or you are reserved. But important to note is that you have an opinion. These are one of the types; if you study, you're going to develop an opinion of them. It's hard not to, versus a type like ISFJs. I've done a little bit of studying on them. I have some professional or typological type opinions on them, but I don't have any strong personal opinion on them. So let's go through the general attitudes around or about INFJs.

There's one important thing to note going into these that I think informs all three attitudes. Whatever persona you see when you're dealing with an INFJ, that is not the real them. That is, in part, because of their skill set; they become whoever they need to become. But it's also because they don't know themselves, even when they think they do know themselves. If an INFJ shape-shifts in a weird way at a bad time, they're going to be just as surprised as you are. It's the nature of the beast; perhaps that's also why they are so effective.

So if you feel positive on INFJs, you don't just feel positive; you are enthusiastically positive, and you are conditioned to be that way. Remember, Fe is not just an output system; it is an intake system, and of all the functions, Fe is extraordinarily sensitive because it needs people to feel good. And you have very little real control over people. And even if you've trained to take conflict, to take lots of negative intake, unless you're a born psychopath, Fe stays very sensitive. In other words, if you like INFJs a lot, you have been led to feel that way. Think about why you like INFJs so much. What are the common things you're going to hear? Number one: they are interested in what you have to say; and two: they agree with you. They are super, super sensible; all of them, all of them are very interested in what you have to say, and they are all super sensible. Sensible? Because you observe them nodding their heads to the words that come out of your mouth. And outside typology, that strategy will get most people to like you. However, even among the best of us, that is hard to believe and to maintain, the crazier people get, even for INFJs, but we'll get to that.

And the other reason you think you like INFJs enthusiastically is they seem so genuine and caring on top of being sensible. And you think they're genuine because you have probably dealt with them in only one context: either (a) there is an INFJ in your circle, be that friends or co-workers; or (b) you are their emotional freezer in the basement in which they put all of their negative stuff, but you think it's positive and you never deal with them on any other front. So, in other words, if you're friends with an INFJ in a friend group or a co-workers' circle, you're probably only going to be dealing with them in that context. If you are a lone INFJ's darkness dumpster, you're only ever going to deal with them in that context, and that's by design. Because the degree to which INFJs become different people—it's not if you see it straight, have an A and a B example, a context B context—it's not just, "Wow, that person's two-faced." It is, "What's going on with this person?" If you haven't seen it firsthand, the attitudinal variation in one individual is unsettling, but you haven't seen it, and that's why you're very positive on them. But you will; don't worry, you will quickly graduate into one of the less positive attitudes, unless you came in without a positive attitude, although that's very difficult.

But I think one of the reasons ISTPs and ESTPs so commonly dislike INFJs—and this is not like a huge race war thing going on—but there is enmity there. They share functions [Laughter]. They, they are both beta quadrant types, and it takes a beta to know a beta. Anyway, I think STPs have the capacity to recognize something as amiss from the jump. So now we get into enthusiastically hating INFJs. You got [ __ ] hard by an INFJ or several INFJs, and INFJs and their supporters will try to shame you for moving from enthusiastically liking them to enthusiastically hating them over something like this. However, there's a reason this is such a common attitude because what you'll learn is what happened with this one or this few is not just this one or this few. You write off one or a couple as bad examples and then seek out others, the good ones, or even just the normal ones, and then you realize this is how they operate—not one, not several, and to be fair, not all, but a whole lot of them.

So if you're in the enthusiastic hatred phase, consider a few things: one, this would not have happened unless you had let it. That is a tough pill to swallow—taking responsibility for your own attempts at good faith. But once you do, you'll become a lot sharper; this will be less likely to happen again because while you're still in the hatred stage, you're still looking for a replacement, and that's not going to go well. And you'll become less burdened because—and this is one of the reasons I recommend, recommend trying to take responsibility for everything—not because it's always your fault, but because you can fix yourself. But if you look at other people like they're the ones keeping you down, even if they are, you can't fix them. Ergo, if that's the way you are framing it in your head, you're always going to be kept down because you can't change people, but you can change yourself. So by taking responsibility, it gives you something to work on and feel like you've beaten or passed, even if you haven't, and then move on without feeling like you're chained, even if you are. It's always your fault; be thankful for that.

Anyway, love them, hate them, or reserved around them—all these positions are reasonable, but each has a context. I've found it's less a particular individual's opinion on one thing and more which sides of INFJs an individual is exposed to and when, because again, opinions on this type are very divisive, and they're almost never detached. What I'm saying here to INFJs is your mode of being puts people in difficult positions. If you don't want people, people to hate you because it upsets you, address your modus operandi, because this isn't just one or a few; this is the way most INFJs operate. And one of the odd particularities about their type is they all seem to operate on some kind of hive mind, and I don't even know where to start with that. But if you're dealing with INFJs or studying them, that's something to be aware of. They seem to have some kind of weird psychic link. An INFJ is doing what an INFJ does because they've never thought about or needed to or wanted to adjust their mode of operation, but that mode of operation really upsets people once they're exposed to it, even if they like you. Even if you turn on somebody else, if you get caught doing it, it is unsettling. People realize they don't know you because you don't know yourself.

So if you hate INFJs, you got [ __ ] over real bad. You learned that's how they generally operate, and you never dealt with the fact that you got gut-punched, and it really hurt. And another way I know this is common is when you are—this is another one of the types—not even when you are negative, but when you are anything but explicitly positive, you get loads of, "Who hurt you?" And I think that's an effective insult in most areas. I don't know if you've ever deployed "Who hurt you" before, but it feels really good; it's like having a cheat code. Because I think, I think most bad feelings come from people being hurt. So you might not know who hurt this person, but you can be almost certain that someone did hurt them. And instead of addressing that like a kind person and trying to understand it and help them through it, you're twisting it like a knife. And I don't blame you; boy, does it feel good. But it's used especially effectively when, well, you're not defending; you're counterattacking on behalf of INFJs or yourselves, right? Because to defend a position, you need a position to defend, and you're incapable of taking a position, which is another unfortunate thing. I've had terrible interactions with ENTJs personally and generally, but I still like them a lot because they are able to take a position and defend it themselves. Most conversations that are actual conversations discussing positions about INFJs are coming from, are going back and forth between not-INFJs. All an INFJ knows how to do is to encourage the positive thing to happen and to discourage the bad thing from happening.

Anyway, it's safe to assume if someone is in the enthusiastically hating INFJs stage, an INFJ or several INFJs are responsible for that. And to throw it back, because I love throwing it back, I would wager there is some displacement going on; there is this oppressed guilt and anger lashing out at the people you've [ __ ] over. I'll have to discuss it with a different type to get an answer, but something to think about.

I have been in all three of these prevailing attitudes, and I think it is a progression, or it can be. Enthusiastically liking them: I am brand new to typology; I am actively working on trying to integrate with society in a positive way, but I'm stupid and I need tools. So I find typology, and then it hits me: there are only so many patterns in the ways people can act, meaning all I need to do is separate the bad ones from the good ones and stick with the good ones. In my folly, the folly of youth, not realizing that that is true: there are only so many different patterns and the ways people can, but they're all bad. Enter INFJs. INTP, INFJ: the golden pair. So what do I do? Because I have an addictive personality, and this is the first breath of fresh air I have felt in years. I surround myself with INFJs. I learn how exactly to pick them out of crowds down to a science, and I surround myself with them. An INFJ is my closest friend; an INFJ is my significant other; and an INFJ is my field marshal, I guess you'd say.

And then we get into enthusiastic hatred. None of them know about each other; I at least had that much sense. But they all stabbed me in the back within about a week of each other. Closest friend—and I didn't—when I say surround myself with INFJs, we had been buddies for a few years by that point. He had spent years shit-talking his primary group of friends to me, the dudes he grew up with, talking vicious [ __ ] about them and about how they victimize him. And to be fair, they were very unpleasant people. So he's drunk one night on Discord, and he informs me he's about to try to stand up to them, and he would like me to be there. So I take a couple shots; I jump in, and it was clear that his buddies had been shit-talking him for a little while by that point. So then they start shit-talking the both of us, and he's not going to say anything. So I take measures; I start saying something, and that's a little too confrontational. So buddy mutes me and then directs them into shit-talking me and then joins in on it while I can't say anything. And the entire concept of this situation and what sort of person you need to be to find yourself in it is so limpy, like limp, flaccid. But my feelings were very hurt; my feelings were very hurt. So I disconnected and I sent him a nasty note and went to bed, telling him exactly the sort of dude he was. When I wake up, blocked on everything. When you cease to serve whatever purpose they have in mind for you, or when you threaten their self-image, which is already very weak, not only are they done with you, but they can't—it's almost like it's painful for them to remember that you exist—probably because you, probably because you represent some degree of failing that makes them feel bad or threatens this image of themselves they need because without this they wouldn't have anything.

So I'm talking to my INFJx about it, cuz I was very upset; my feelings were very hurt. Within the next two days, she realizes she doesn't like me and she's not going to talk to me anymore. Now she doesn't door-slam me, but we had a routine, and she completely got away from it a two days after this. And to get ditched like that when you have separated from a person who's been one of your closest friends for a couple years now, it doesn't feel very good. And then it started dawning on me: her best friend is, is a guy, an ENFJ, which is another pattern I picked up on and have found truth in. INFJs and ENFJs, when they're together, abuse the [ __ ] out of each other. He led her on to get close to one of her friends and then started dating her best friend. So she was hurt by him, but they were still best buddies and hung out all the time, but clearly they weren't best buddies. I'm guessing she was using me, or intended initially to use me, to aggravate him, which worked because then suddenly he's interested in her. But then she did the dumb INFJ thing of becoming, and raptured with this fantasy you've created for yourself—not just for yourself, for, for yourself and another person. And then when she realized she didn't actually like me, especially now because I'm not being positive, I'm just sad, she wanted me gone, but also didn't have the nerve to break things off, which, that's all of that is not good. But to me, that was the crest thing; it's like marooning someone on an island full of depression snakes but giving them a gun—just shoot him. And this is one of the only reasons I have sympathy for certifiable young dudes, and young women too, actually. Those two—the third dude was more just kind of a slap in the face—but those two, at the time I had been emotionally so hurt for so long, those two were so important to me and became so important to me. Losing them both at once in ugly ways hurt so bad. Now thankfully, the United States justice system, United States law enforcement, taught me the real meaning of pain, but without that frame of reference, that sort of emotional hurt is really bad. So while I'm at the reservation stage now, I don't blame people who are in the hatred stage because, again, without that, without that real pain frame of reference, getting back-stabbed multiple times in ugly ways is not fun. Like, that's something that unless you get a bigger chunk of flesh taken out of you, that's going to bother you for a long time.

And then the third dude: he was a friend of a friend who was kind of becoming a normal friend, but he kind of knew everybody; he was like a spider, which is perfect. And he wanted his other friend's girlfriend for his own, but his girlfriend hated the fact that my friend was talking to me, so he did this. And I thought it was—when I was, again, when you're young, you don't know [ __ ]. I knew he was gunning for her, but I thought she was the, the one masterminding everything, and she was just another [ __ ]. It was this dude; he pitted dude and I against each other; he pitted girl against dude and me, so that in this cluster [ __ ], he could be the one to comfort crying girl. And I found out about that a little bit later, or at least in full a little bit later, but by then the damage had been done, and [ __ ] everybody except for the ENTJ I dated who then subsequently tried to blackmail me when I broke up with her. I don't like getting chummy with people, and while we're here, I think that is one of the other things I like about ENTJs. It reminds me of the Patrice O'Neal Middle East bit, which upon further reflection, we are not going to get into, but if you know, you know.

But this all leads us into the reservation stage, and it's so odd to me that there are these three stages, and they are so distinct. You can meet anyone of any type in any one of these distinct stages; they've either been there or they're going to be there. The only people who don't have strong opinions about INFJs are people unfamiliar with typology. But another little test, experiment sort of thing: speak with very extroverted people who have known lots of people over their lives; you'll be able to pick out the INFJs in the, "This is one of the notable people I knew," list they give you. They're aware of them; they just don't know the word for them. And the reservation stage is mechanical because INFJs are very useful if you know how to deploy them and what to expect from them. In other words, give them a job suited to them and don't let them get close to you, right? Because at this point, if you're in the reservation stage, you've gotten through the hatred stage, and you aren't going to get close to one of them. But the thing about INFJs is—I think it does have to do with that Fe sensitivity—they can sense your reservation, and it makes them uncomfortable, so they want to get in with you. But if they don't know how to get in with you or how to make you get in with them, they trick themselves into idolizing you in some way, so you feel obligated to let them in to alleviate that reservation, which they don't like; makes them uncomfortable, and then bad things happen again. Because the only reason they got close to you and tricked themselves into thinking they are into you in some way is that discomfort they felt. All this work to try to make a bit of discomfort go away; be very careful, but don't shun them entirely. Don't hate them because they are, they are useful; they are very good for disseminating information; they're excellent natural propagandists. You need to get them in this Goldilocks zone of not so far away from you they don't know what you're talking about or feel like they want to oppose you, but not so close they're going to realize they hate you. You get them in this Goldilocks zone, give them a job or give them information, and then let them cultivate and brainwash their own generations of people. You want armies of little Jesuses with your words coming out of their mouths. But see, even this is an emotionally charged stance; the emotion is a mixture of mild frustration, cuz they don't, they probably don't have the tools to understand what they do or why they do it, but then deep concern, or especially deep concern because they do cause problems if you don't manage them correctly. And if a person in the reservation stage were to decide just never to deal with them, I would not blame them. But you can figure out how to deal with them, and this video does not cover the self-actualized or psychopathic INFJs because they are completely different beasts. This is just the three primary prevailing attitudes explaining how and why INFJs are so divisive as a type, and they do mob up. When I made my—so I made—when I was first getting into typology, I made one unreasonably positive video about INFJs; then I made one unreasonably negative video about INFJs. Since then, I would argue I've been pretty fair, but the INFJ mafia didn't think so because soon after that video came out, and for a little while, whenever I would make INFJ videos following that one, the INFJ mob would try to get my channel taken down. Now that's stopped for the most part, but let's tempt fate. If there is anything we do on this channel, we ball. Like, if you enjoyed, subscribe; if you haven't.