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Let's check in and see how America's best and brightest are doing with the latest Tik Tok trend. Future looks bright. Was that Kamla?
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Good evening, mindless and welcome to We Lie to You News. Top stories tonight. Did Candace Owens just solve the mysterious assassination of Charlie Kirk? Cash Patel and Pam Bondi humiliate themselves. And we'll also take a look at some fat people tonight.
But starting with Tyler Robinson, known as the Charlie Kirk assassin, is not the real killer. That's according to Candace Owens. She's been on a relentless pursuit of the facts in the Charlie Kirk case, finding many holes in the narrative that the authorities are constructing. And after putting forward many confident sounding theories, she's just had a major breakthrough in the case. Take a look.
"Like I just said, had a vivid dream this weekend and Charlie came to me and he told me that he was betrayed. And so for me, you don't have to believe that, but I do believe that."
"Excellent police work, Candace. We'll quote you on that."
"Take that to the bank. Quote me on that."
"Just did. But Candace, are you sure your dream wasn't just like a dream?"
"You don't get to ask those questions. What's wrong with you, Mom? Why you so scared?"
And perhaps less credible than evidence collected in a dream, but just as weird, we've also learned that Turning Point USA's tech partner called Show Faith by Works Geotrack the cell phones of 277,000 people in and around Charlie Kirk's memorial service without their permission. And that geot tracking company, who again is a partner of Turning Point USA, has received $4 million in funding from Israel. So that's not weird.
Cam Owens also tracked down a group message thread with Charlie Kirk, which said, "Kirk, just lost another huge Jewish donor. $2 million a year because we won't cancel Tucker. I'm thinking of inviting Candace." Anonymous. Charlie Kirk, "Jewish donors play into all the stereotypes. I cannot and will not be bullied like this, leaving me no choice but to leave the pro-Israel cause." And 48 hours later, Charlie Kirk was killed. And Turning Point USA has confirmed that those message exchanges are indeed authentic and real.
But we've also learned 24 hours before he was killed, Charlie Kirk said to a close friend, "I think they're going to kill me." More on that from Candace Owens. Three people told me off record, two people who have this in a written communication from Charlie, one who is a Turning Point USA donor and I would say very much one of the white knights in this. The very day before Charlie Kirk died, he expressed that he thought he was going to be killed. He told these people, "I think they're going to kill me."
And in probably completely unrelated news, Israel is paying American influencers $7,000 per post to push the pro-Israel cause. The exact cause that Charlie Kirk said he was leading, which is also the same cause that Charlie Kirk wouldn't even promote for $150 million. But here's the thing. People aren't willing to spread truth for the sake of spreading truth on their own. That's why you have to pay influencers to spread messages that they otherwise wouldn't be willing to speak about unless they're being paid to do so. And to the influencers who are accepting Israel's $7,000 per post payment, thank you for your dedication to truth. You are far more dedicated to truth than Charlie Kirk ever was, and he was unwilling to speak the same truth that you are, not even for $150 million.
In other news, Cash Patel proudly proclaimed on Twitter, "The transparency I promised is being delivered by the FBI." Meanwhile, the Twitter community notes proudly proclaimed the Trump campaign promised to release the full Epstein files, which it still has not done. That's great.
Now, for an update on the Epstein files, let's check in with Pam Bondi while testifying.
"Attorney General Bondi, why did you publicly claim to have the Epstein CL client list waiting for your review and then produce nothing relevant to that claim?"
"Senator Der"
"already screwed up, didn't you, Pam? Give it a second try."
"Senator Durban, if you listen to my entire clip on that, I said I had not reviewed it yet. That it was sitting on my desk along with the JFK files, the Martin Luther King files, and I said I had not yet reviewed it."
As transparent as ever.
Now, let's check in and see how the body positivity community is doing.
"Wow."
"You all right?"
"Good."
"Wow. Just as healthy as anyone else. And this is what it looks like when a guy has so much health that he has to be forklifted with the assistance of a crane out of his house. You know, I am starting to wonder, is it possible that they're actually less healthy?"
"You don't get to ask those questions. What's wrong with you, Mom? Why are you so scared?"
Ah, so creepy.
That's it for today's news. Tune in next time when I should have my $7,000 endorsement deal with Israel signed. I look forward to finding out what I'll be telling you then. Tune in next time to find out. Good night.
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