Transcription
Hello. So, um, this week's video is going to be a little bit different than the usual English communication, ESA, promotional kind of videos because I need a break from that and I'm pretty sure you also need a break from that. Um, and I think it's time to be a little bit more personal. So, I have been wanting to post something personal like this for a while. I've actually attempted so many times to create a more personal video giving you updates about my life, but I always fail. You know, either that, um, either it feels a little bit awkward, or I just can't seem to press post, or I just feel like, ah, this is not really right, nobody really cares, whatever. It's like, oh, I want to keep my life private to myself, but there's always something, you know. So I think I would have to do a little bit more inner work to really understand what is preventing me from being more open on social media, but, um, hopefully this can make it to my, um, main channel.
But, um, anyway. Anyways, right now I am in Amsterdam and, um, I haven't really stayed. I'm going to stay here for almost two months, just visiting friends, family, but I haven't really stayed here that long since, of course, um, I used to live here for six years, right? Um, in the Netherlands and this is the first time that I'm staying here for a long time and, um, it's the weather is getting to me a little bit. I don't know if it's the weather, or is it like the winter, or is it just kind of like the existential crisis I've been having the past few months with regards to my work, my career, or is it just everything in one? Um, but, uh, yeah, it's getting to me a little bit. So, I want to talk about, I don't really know actually what I want to talk about, but I think I, I just want to talk about what is going, what's been going on in my mind now that I'm here back in the Netherlands and how I feel about it.
Back then, I used to live here for six years. I first came here for, um, for, um, as, as a student with the student visa, and then for work, and then also, um, stayed for a relationship. But by the end of it, um, I didn't really have any other reasons to leave. Oh my god, I need to sneeze. Anyways, yeah. Um, and then at the time, um, by the end of my six years in the Netherlands, I had to leave because, um, this is also very personal. I'm not sure if I'm ready to put it out there, but whatever. What the hell, right? Um, I had to leave the Netherlands because I was in a toxic relationship. And, um, of course, that ended, which means that I had to move back to Indonesia because my visa was, um, tied to this relationship. So no relationship, no visa. And at the time, I had to make myself want to move back because I had the dream of settling down in Europe. So the thought of really having to go back was very, very difficult, you know. Um, the breakup itself was, was hard, but it was like, I'm happy that I left that relationship because it was not good for me. But leaving the Netherlands was hard at the time, you know.
So even when I moved back to Indonesia, I resided in Bali. The first year I was still in a bit, um, I was in denial about the fact that I no longer lived in the Netherlands and somehow I think I was still trying to find my way back, you know. And then, um, the year after, so that was like '22, summer of '22, all around the time that COVID ended, a whole year I was in Bali between Bali and Jakarta. And then the next summer I tried to go back to Europe, but then my visa got rejected. So I just had to take it as a sign that, you know what, I don't think it's going back to Europe is not the right thing for me. I should stop forcing it. Let me just stay here, settle here and, um, really build my life seriously in Bali. And then that's when I found a friend group. I built a friend group. Um, I got my cats. Um, and I also found a relationship. And life is going very well, you know. And right now, now that I'm back in the Netherlands, I really feel that, um, I cannot imagine myself living here anymore, which is weird because about three, no, was that three and a half years ago, I wanted to always go back. And, um, here I am wishing that I am back in Bali, which is actually a success because that means that I have created a life that I loved and, um, that I want to, I do not want to escape from. Right? Whereas when I was living in the Netherlands, I was always finding a way to escape, either the winter or just being somewhere where it's a bit more, how do I say, carefree, you know.
So, um, okay. Sorry, I had to pause because I was just kind of like rambling on and I didn't really know where I was going with this, but I was just trying to reflect on my life here and my life in Bali. And then I think I also want to talk about the pros and cons, my reflections about my life back in the Netherlands and my life back home in Indonesia. And it was funny because I really dreaded the idea of going back home because I've always thought about it as a failure. I know it's not a failure at all, but it's just kind of like I just had a very different idea of what constitutes, what constitutes a failure and of success, you know. It was just something very stupid and superficial. But, um, I think like right now my life in Bali is very satisfying that I have everything that I need. Not everything. I think, um, that would make life a little bit boring, right? Right now I'm still kind of like in the phase where I'm figuring out what is next with regards to my career because my channel, this, this channel, Nyla for Hana and the English speaking, uh, niche that I have been doing for literally the past almost a decade, actually, like it's been since 2017. Um, I've, I'm kind of outgrowing that a little bit because, uh, honestly, teaching, talking about English, learn, teaching English, teaching basic, um, English communication skills, also for higher levels, higher, higher levels, um, it kind of came to me unplanned. It just kind of fell on my lap because one of my first videos back in 2017 got viral and it was about me speaking about accents and then ever since then, just this influx of people who followed me, wanted to learn from me, um, wanted to learn English from me and I thought like, oh, okay, I guess I, um, I'm teaching English now. Okay. So then I catered to that, but, um, it worked for a little bit, you know. It worked because then it was, um, it fit my ikigai. It's kind of like something that people need, something that I can get paid for, something that I like to do, as in like, I like learning languages and something I'm good at and I'm also pretty good at languages and words and, and all of that. For, for a long time it worked, but now I'm kind of like at a point where it gets a little bit old and, um, I don't feel as, um, motivated to do it. I think it still works because, um, I do, right now I run ESA programs every two months, which is, um, I, I basically help professionals and experts speak English at a higher level and it works and the, the people that I attract, I actually really enjoy working with them. It's like, wow, I can actually be friends with them in real life, you know. So, um, there's alignment in that and, um, it works. So this is one of the reasons why I keep going, but for the past two, three years, I have always questioned myself whether this is the path that I still want to go, um, and I have been watching so many creators, influencers online who have also gone through this, um, fatigue, you know, like content fatigue or niche fatigue or something like that where you feel like you have outgrown your brand, which is exactly what I'm feeling right now. And honestly, it feels so good to be talking about this right now. And I really hope this video wouldn't make it to, to the main channel. Um, it's just me rambling. Um, so we.
Okay, this is weird. I was actually just going to talk about my life back in the Netherlands and my life in Bali and like the pros and cons of living different things. And now I'm talking about my career and, or the path of it, or like my existential, uh, crisis that I'm going through right now. Um, anyways, I, I guess I, I'm not really scripting this video at all. I'm just kind of like speaking from the heart or from the brain. I don't know. Um, and yeah, and also I really don't know why this crisis is, uh, hitting hard with me right now. I don't know if it's a combination of the weather or because, let's say, I had a couple of, um, enrollment calls, um, the past couple of days, um, and it didn't really go as well as I wanted. And normally I was, I'm pretty all right, um, when things don't go my way, but this time it hit me harder and I thought like, no, this is, there is definitely deeper reasons on why I'm not taking this as well as I should. So then I have just been, um, thinking about my next move. I'm still kind of like in the middle of it. I have been trying for the last one, one and a half years to figure out where this is going or like trying to find a new thing that I should follow, but I seem to, uh, fail in that sense. You know, I, I don't really know, uh, what's next. I have some ideas on where I want to go, but for some reason, taking the first step or the couple, um, or just actually taking action to it is a lot more challenging than I thought. So, I don't know if it is just me overthinking, or am I being paralyzed by fear, or it's just really needing more time to figure things out. It's just, uh, yeah, I don't know.
Um, I don't know if like also some fatigue, right? Because I have been doing this for almost a decade and I guess it's reasonable to feel this way and I just, I should just embrace it. So, it's really just a mix of that and I don't really know what the purpose of this video is. I think it's just, uh, uh, I just want to put it out there. Maybe if you're a creator, you would also feel a little bit like this, some fatigue. If you have been following me for a long time since back in my OG days before 2020, um, thank you so much. I'm not saying this as a goodbye, okay? This is just kind of like me being, um, putting myself out there a little bit to be more vulnerable, to be more myself. Um, and see where it goes. So, um, anyways, if you're, stay, if you stayed till the end, thank you for hearing my rant. Um, hopefully I can be a little bit more consistent. If you like this kind of personal video, please do let me know if you want to see more of me being like this, um, unscripted, just wearing unmatching clothes, um, unced hair, whatever. Um, yeah, if you enjoy this kind of video, let me know. Maybe if, if you actually like seeing the more personal side of me or like seeing my life update, life updates, um, that could actually give me some motivation to, um, talk a little bit more about this. My god, I'm not really making sense. Um, yeah, just give me some feedback. So, thank you so much. I'll see you in the next video.