Transcription
Chapter 2: Erotic Blueprint. Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive, and I will tell you about their entire philosophy of life. - A. Rand.
As you begin to identify the relating style that you prefer, the relationship that you're looking for, the capacity that you have to connect with others, and your pronouns, etc., it's also helpful to understand and communicate your erotic blueprint.
[music] Jia developed the erotic blueprint on a couple of years ago in conjunction with an episode on sex, love, and goop, which is a survey that you can take online to understand what turns you on. It's helpful not only to know this for yourself, but also to inquire about this with your partner so that you can understand what turns them on and so that you can meet them where they are.
[ __ ] up. I'm not just down to [ __ ]. Lilith had the hardest time dating when she first decided to be poly. She couldn't understand how people were so ready to jump in the sack and found herself offended more often than enticed to have another date. Whether meeting people online or at parties, it seemed that everyone was super [ __ ]. Lilith was not. As a result, she sincerely questioned whether this was the right path for her. If she wasn't interested in jumping into bed with strangers, [music] was there a place for her in this community? Just because you're poly does not mean that you're a [ __ ].
Knowing what turns you on, [music] how you get turned on, and being able to identify both your turn-ons and explain them to others can be a game-changer. The erotic blueprint quiz only takes about 15 minutes to [music] complete. You'll be asked a series of questions that ultimately will lead you down the path of whether or not you're an energetic, a sensual, a sexual, a taboo, or a shape-shifter [music] type. Among these types, there are different elements that turn you on, [music] different superpowers, and different shadows.
Energetic. [music] An energetic is going to be someone who's turned on by yearning, longing, buildup, subtlety, [music] and they are not typically turned on by in-your-face, forward behavior. They want to want something or someone. My husband is an energetic, and I find this to be hilarious because I am so forward. But I joke that the stars have to align and the wind has to blow just right on Tuesday night for him to be turned on by someone or something. He doesn't love play parties [music] or overtly sexual environments like sex clubs, and he prefers to have slow buildup over time. [music] He's also an introvert. Often, introverts will find themselves to be energetic because it suits them in not having to be out in highly public or loud environments.
The superpower of an energetic is that they can pick up on the smallest subtleties [music] and can tease them. They're fabulous teases. The shadow side of an energetic is oftentimes they are overlooked or ignored in group scenarios. They are also often misunderstood as just being cold or disinterested when they, in reality, just need more subtlety and attention [music] to the finer details.
Sensual. A sensual, on the other hand, is turned on by the engagement of all their senses. This is a person who's turned on by candles and music and lighting and scents and good food. [ __ ] lack of preparation. Dan is a super sweet guy and a talented musician, but he smells bad. He doesn't believe in deodorant and has a certain aroma. [music] Furthermore, his apartment is super messy, and he tends to dress on the grungy side of fashion. Because Dan doesn't put the time and effort into his environment, [music] he is not likely to have success with a sensual for his own sake. He'd prefer to know that [music] going before going on a date. Essensual wants to know that you care, and they see that you care by engaging their senses. [music]
The superpower of a sensual is that they are incredibly thoughtful lovers. They will plan some of the best dates that you'll ever go on. And the shadow [music] side is that they tend to be overly selective, or some would say high-maintenance. They are easily disappointed when someone doesn't put in the level of attention and effort that they do. [music] They tend to have incredibly high standards, and it's hard to meet those standards.
Sexual. [music] A sexual type is probably the easiest to understand. This is a person who's turned on by PNV or intercourse. They want to get it on. They are going to be a person who is less interested in nuance or the happy hour before the party, and they will want to jump right into the sex. It's really obvious to know a sexual when you see people at play parties. The first people to hook up are sexuals. These people might say, "Can we stop talking now and start playing?" That's a sexual. This person is going to be somewhat frustrated by a slow burn, by an energetic, for instance, because they're going to take it personally if someone else doesn't want to them to jump in the sack immediately.
The superpower of a sexual is that there is very little to interpret. They are easy to read and understand. They're accessible, and that feels [music] good. They are also quite forward, and so there's no guessing if a sexual is into you. The shadow side of a sexual is that they're seen as insensitive or thoughtless at times and can feel too aggressive because they're so focused on sex. [ __ ] one-track mind. Jack shines at a swinger party but crashes and burns in poly environments. [music] He's a good-time guy, and he has been lovingly called a stuntcock for group scenes but is misunderstood and discounted as lacking depth when engaging with other blueprint [music] types. As a result, he often gets invited to play parties but isn't invited into deep friendships or relationships. He wants to find a primary partner but struggles to be taken seriously. As someone who identified as a sexual type for many years, [music] Jack has some work to do. It's not enough to understand only what turns him on. It's also up to him to engage with what turns others on and to learn to meet [music] them where they are. Sexuals have the largest learning curve on this topic.
Taboo. A taboo type is someone who is turned on by things that are novel, against the rules, or that engage power dynamics. This is someone who really likes kinky things, things that are otherwise frowned upon. Water sports or BDSM or bondage are likely to turn on a taboo type.
The superpower of a taboo is that they're very creative. They're often quite artistic, and they have an ability to play multiple character roles. [music] Because they engage in some riskier behaviors, they also tend to be much more savvy with consent-based play and have more ready understanding of negotiating scenes. Roleplay is something that taboo types tend to be [music] really good at as well. The shadow side of a taboo is that sometimes they get lost in their roles. They can get so consumed with wanting to be someone else or creating an alternative reality that they're sometimes not able to find the joy in everyday life. Their [music] lovers can be confused by that. [ __ ] Jackal, and Hyde. Alistister is a highly talented, intellectually bright executive with an impressive resume. [music] To meet him in a professional environment is to be impressed by him. However, when he shifts into romantic and sexual environments, he becomes everyone's least favorite Dom. He assumes that all female-bodied people want to be submissive and will unconsciously speak to them as "diminutives" upon his first encounters. As a result, he has slowly been exited from many groups in his area due to a lack of sensitivity. If you find yourself to be a taboo type, [music] you get to do the work to understand when that behavior is wanted or acceptable, and when it's a turn-off or over the line.
Shape-shifter. A shape-shifter is someone who is turned on by everything, who can find themselves in any of these other environments and be happy and stimulated. Their superpower is that they are a highly adaptable lover. They don't have to have all their senses engaged, but they enjoy it. They can get into group sex, and they can engage in yearning and longing. They can play the game with just about anyone. It makes them highly sought-after lovers because they can adapt. The shadow side, though, of a shape-shifter is that it's hard to understand what's specific to them, what makes them unique, or how to meet their needs. They're so chameleon-like that it's hard to know what they want versus if they're just doing something because it turns someone else on. Shape-shifters are sometimes questioned regarding their authenticity.
Sapioexual. Another turn-on type that I'd like to add outside of Jia's list is the sapioexual. [music] A sapioexual is turned on by intellect and intelligence. More importantly, they're turned off by a lack of it. [music] So, they tend to have very specific criteria when they're dating someone. They want to have conversation. They want to know that there's a level of depth and they can learn something from their lovers. The superpower of a sapioexual is they tend to be highly intelligent and interesting, [music] well-traveled, and well-read. The shadow side is they tend to be patronizing or to belittle, and they can easily get caught in power dynamics with their lovers.
Demisexual. Everybody does poly differently and for different reasons. Like Lilith, many are not choosing this path because they want to have a lot of sex. They see ENM as a way to build depth and relationship or friendship that's more open-minded. And as a result, many can be turned off by the over-sexualized nature of many [music] ENM communities. A turn-on type that is quite common as you enter particularly group sex scenes and play is a demisexual. A demisexual is a person who is highly situational. They want to have complete autonomy over their decisions. They are not performative, and they do not want to be put in situations where they're going to be asked to perform. They want to be respected in their no. [ __ ] up. "Why won't you do this with me?" Being married to a demisexual has been a big education for me. I [ __ ] up for many years as I pressured my husband to attend events with me, pushed him into sexual experiences that he wasn't comfortable with, and "prude-shamed" him, his words, for not being as flamboyant as I am. He hated feeling trapped in situations and had a huge aversion to being asked to perform. As a result, we found ourselves in fights prior to nearly every play party or group date, and often found ourselves sleeping in different beds thereafter. It is important to understand if someone is a demisexual. Just because they were turned on by a scene last week doesn't mean they'll be turned on by that same scene this week. And it is a [ __ ] to expect that from them. Many of the other types here are fairly consistent. A person who is taboo is consistently going to be into taboo. But a person who is demisexual is highly situational, and they want to be respected for that.
Exercise. Take your erotic blueprint quiz now. Invite your partners to take the quiz as well, and then discuss how you can work to meet each other's needs where they are and meet them where they are, um, to create the most sexy, supportive environment for your [music] partnership.