6 Demonic Tactics Narcissists Use to Break You Down

What if I told you that the chaos with the narcissist in your life isn't random, but part of a calculated plan to derail your faith? And most Christians never see this coming. And my friend, when you begin to recognize that your battle is not between you and these people, but rather it's a fight for your faith, you will never view your interactions with them the same way again. So today, I'm going to show you exactly how these spiritual attacks work through narcissists and how you can finally reclaim your peace that was never yours, theirs to take.

Well, hey my friend, in case we haven't met yet, my name is Chris Reese and it is my hope to help you navigate difficult relationships and conquer codependency biblically. So, if you're not already subscribed, would you go ahead and bump down there and hit that button?

Now, before we dive in, I do want to ask you a question. Would you consider yourself a God pleaser? Let me know in the chat. You see, many of us focus on the attention of others rather than the approval of God. And I know you've heard that term people pleaser. But did you know that there are actually different types of people pleasers? And that's why I created a free test to help you determine your people pleaser type. So, I want to go ahead and invite you to take that test. You can do it now real quick or you can do it after our live stream. We'll go ahead and have the moderators pop that in the chat or if you're watching on the replay, it will be in the link in the description box below.

So, the first demonic tactic that I want to talk to you about today about how the narcissists use to break you down is they keep you focused on surviving instead of serving. When you're busy managing the chaos, managing their moods, doing damage control, my friend, you've got no margin for growth. You're spending your time, your energy, managing their moods, avoiding the conflict, keeping the peace. Raise your hand if you can agree with me. And instead of growing, instead of creating, and instead of fulfilling your life purpose, you're now just trying to get through the day. You're just trying to understand the last argument. You're just trying to figure out how to explain yourself better next time so you don't get blamed.

But here's what I want you to keep in mind. John 10:10 reminds us that the thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. But Jesus came so that you may have life and have it abundantly. That is John 10:10. I'm trying to find it here on my. Let's see if we can. There we go. Abundant life isn't frantic survival. Chronic emotional chaos is a theft of spiritual capacity. Because my friend, purpose can't flourish in constant survival mode. So tactic number one, he keeps you focused on surviving instead of serving.

Tactic number two, he distorts your identity through the narcissist until you forget who you are. And I'm talking about forgetting who you are in Christ and who you are as a unique creation. Because when you start defining yourself by criticism, conflict, or other people's opinion, my friend, you have stepped out of who God created you to be, and you've attempted to now fit yourself into another mold. What their hopes are, what their expectations are. And little by little, your confidence erodes. You question your own judgment, your worth, and even your calling because you're living off of the approval of them instead of off of God's truth.

But here's what I want you to do. I want you to remember Psalm 139:13-14. And here's what it says. "For you formed my inward parts. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." My friend, you were made in the image of God. You are not made in the opinions and expectations of toxic, narcissistic people.

And here's where the enemy starts to get in. He starts to get you thinking that you have to survive the day instead of thriving in what God has for you. That's the demonic focus. And narcissists, I'll tell you this, and it's not to let them off the hook. They don't even realize they're doing it. Because a narcissist is actually an easier pawn for the enemy than you are. Yes. Even in your vulnerability, even in your scars, even in your hurts, the narcissist is more of a pawn because of their pride. They refuse to see it. They refuse to see where the enemy might be using them not only to destroy your life but to destroy their lives.

So my friend, I need you to begin to come back to the cross. I need you to begin to come back to the understanding of who God created you to be. You are not what the narcissist says you are. You are not who those toxic people have molded you to be. You are a unique creation in Christ, my friend. It's who he says you are. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

And what the enemy is looking to do through these narcissists is he not only wants to destabilize your faith, he wants you to lose clarity about who you are. Because identity erosion doesn't happen loudly. It's not in one big sweeping motion. It happens through deception that slowly starts to reshape how you see yourself. And I want you to ask yourself this question. And if you're bold enough to let us know in the chat, is that happening to you? Are you actually allowing him to slowly reshape how you see yourself? Are you allowing his voice through these people to crowd out God's voice?

Tactic number three, he turns discernment into self-doubt. God gives us discernment. His word says that his people perish for lack of knowledge. And to get that wisdom, all we have to do is ask. And I know you've asked. But the problem with the tactics of the enemy through these narcissistic people is self-doubt comes in through the back door. You've got discernment. Hear me. Somebody needs to hear this today. You have discernment. You're ignoring it. So, he's looking to get that discernment turned into self-doubt.

Because when your God-given perception gets labeled as fear, pride, or a lack of love constantly, instead of the divine discernment that it is, confusion and self-doubt start to set in. So you're given discernment, they label it fear, pride, lack of love, unforgiveness, doesn't make a difference. They label it something else. And immediately, instead of saying, "No, no, I know what's going on here. I don't have to handle this inappropriately. I don't have to sin in my anger. However, I do know what's happening here." But instead, if the enemy can get you to walk in self-doubt, then you will not receive the discernment of God. And James 4:7 reminds us of that.

So, every time that you sense something is off, you're told you're overreacting, you're unforgiving, you're unloving, this isn't Christlike, eventually you stop trusting the wisdom that God gave you. And like a muscle, when you don't use it, you lose it. Unfortunately, that antidote is fast and simple and found in James 1:5. "If any lacks wisdom, let him ask God." But, my friend, we always forget this but part. Please underline the but. Circle the but. "But, let him ask in faith without doubting."

My friend, when you need discernment, when you need wisdom, God will give it liberally. And it's not going to be a condemning discernment. It's going to affirm that wisdom is from God. And that chronic doubt weakens your spiritual stability. My friend, I have to be honest with you. This one angers me. And I'm trying to put words to my anger here. The deception that so many of God's children are under is infuriating. And we can blame the enemy. We can blame the narcissist. But the truth is at the end of the day, if we're being honest, and I'm not condemning you because I've been there too and I still find myself there sometimes. It is our doubt that causes the issue. When I know that I know that I know who I am in Christ, no label of yours is going to rock my world. When I know that God has shown me that there is some dysfunction that is taking place, that there is some enablement, that there is some sin that is taking place, my job is to now go before the throne of God and now petition for them and for my protection. My job is to ask God, how do you want me to pray for this? My job is to now not get caught in confusion giving a foothold for the enemy because then we wonder why we open the door for the enemy. We open the back window. We open everything and we wonder why we're under attack. And then what's worse, here's what bothers me the most is when we blame God. We need to stop blaming God for the doors that we are opening through our doubt.

My friend, make no doubt about it. You have a God that loves you. You have a God that is looking to protect you. You have a God that is going to do exceedingly abundantly above what you could ask, hope, or think. Why are you doubting? Why do we doubt? The only thing that it is going to serve to do is to chronically weaken your spiritual stability. And then we go so far as to blame the devil. And we want to blame the narcissist. We want somebody to blame. I get it. I don't want to take responsibility for my mistakes. But my friend, I promise you when you lead with repentance, "Lord, forgive me for these times that you have given me wisdom. You have given me discernment and I have turned it into doubt. I did not believe your word. I believed their word over your word. I believed their thoughts over your thoughts. I believe I feared them over more than trusting you. Lord, I repent."

My friend, this live stream might be a little bit heavier than you expected it to be, but I love you too much to leave you in this chronic state of self-doubt simply because you're believing the lies of someone who hates you. It needs to stop. Now might be a good time to ask if you're being blessed. If you'd go ahead and hit that like button. I would greatly appreciate it. And also if you have been struggling under manipulation, struggling with setting boundaries, I want to invite you to check out my latest book. It's called Breaking the Narcissist's Grip. My friend, this is the Christian's guide to cutting the strings of manipulation, setting boundaries that stick, and reclaiming your life from takers. Yes, even if you can't escape them. And we'll go ahead and include a link in the chat or if you're watching on the replay, it'll be in the description box below.

So, my friend, if you are being blessed, would you do me a favor and go ahead and hit the like button? And if you're not already subscribed, make sure you go ahead and hit that button. The more activity we can get within the live stream, the more it tells YouTube that this is content that is valuable and it starts pushing it to other people who need to hear this. My friend, how many people do you know that are in narcissistic, toxic, difficult relationships and they're floundering? How many people do you know are in those relationships and they don't even know it yet? It's astounding. So, let's keep going.

Tactic number four that the enemy uses through the narcissist to break you down is he's going to use guilt to keep you small and manageable. That's what he's looking to do. The closer you get to the cross, my friend, the bigger you become, the more powerful of a force you become to be reckoned with. So when you are consumed with that guilt, the enemy is now able to keep you small and manageable. So not only is the enemy able to do that, well, so is the narcissist.

See, when boundaries start to feel sinful, when saying no feels rebellious, when you shrink to stay good or keep the peace, my friend, you have made you're made to feel selfish now for having needs. That is the tactic. You're selfish for asking for anything. You're selfish for even correcting them if they're wrong. Now, this is where it starts to get very distorted and very demonic. Tell me if this has ever happened to you. You bring something to this narcissist, something about what they said and how that makes you feel or something they did or even a minor correction. And if I know you, you have been very cautious in how you bring it across. You've watched your tone. You've watched your words. You've said it at just the right time to make sure that you're not blamed for anything. And yet, you still are made to feel guilty. "Why are you bringing this up now? Oh, there's nothing that I can do that is going to make you happy." And everything is spun to be made to make you feel guilty. Has this ever happened to you? Then they start labeling you as disobedient for even having boundaries, too proud that you're filled with pride to say no, unforgiving for limiting your access. And here's what happens. Guilt becomes that leash that keeps you from stepping fully into your calling or even just being able to live in peace.

But here's what I want you to remember. Here's what Galatians 5:1 reminds us of. It says, "For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." That is guilt, my friend. Guilt-based control is a form of bondage. Even when it wears spiritual language, even when it comes wrapped in scripture, and it's used by master manipulators everywhere. Yes, even the ones wearing a smile and holding a Bible. So, tactic number four, they're using that guilt to keep you manageable.

Tactic number five, they consume your emotional and mental bandwidth. Narcissists and toxic people, dysfunctional, difficult people, they have a way of sucking you dry emotionally, mentally, and if that goes on long enough, it will be physically as well. Because when your mind is always preoccupied, always replaying, anticipating, bracing, preparing, walking on eggshells, your mind is essentially Satan's playground where now he can come in, pull any string to activate every ride and it sends off this launch sequence of toxic spiraling thoughts that now take you hours or days to even recover from. And your thoughts are constantly occupied. You're replaying conversations. You prepare for the next conflict. You're still trying to manage the last conflict, wondering what you did wrong, wondering what you should have, could have, and would have said had you had the right frame of mind. My friend, there is no space left to hear God clearly or move boldly.

But here's what I want you to remember. 2 Corinthians 10:5. I know you've heard this countless times, but listen to this carefully. "Taking every thought captive to obey Christ." You see, the enemy is counting on the fact that you won't take your thoughts captive when they're constantly being hijacked by relational chaos. And he'd be right because you can't think straight enough to identify that your thinking is even off. So, here is where the distortion comes in. You think you're dealing with relational issues, but now you're dealing with a larger issue when God calls us to be transformed by the renewal of our minds. And 2 Corinthians 10:5 reminds us to take every thought captive. We think we're trying to resolve relational conflict, but believe me when I hear you, my friend, there is a rehearsal that's going on behind the scenes that will manifest in your life. Everything that's going on in your mind is eventually going to come out of your mouth. Every thought that you're having, every frustration that you're not taking to the cross, every unresolved conflict that you are not submitting to the lordship of Jesus Christ will eventually come out. It's either going to come out inwardly as destruction or outwardly as destruction, but it will be manifested. And this is why it is absolutely crucial that we do not allow our minds to just spin and spiral.

And this is where sometimes, you know, talking with a trusted person. Now, that person could be a professional. I know you may be looking for a counselor there. Good Christian counselors are really, really difficult to come by. We often make a referral to an organization that. Zoe, if you could pop the link in the chat. If you do need a counselor, please check them out. But here's what I do want you to be careful. We don't know these people personally. And not every Christian counselor that calls themselves a Christian actually is walking with Christ. So, I need you to vet them out. Don't just hand over your trust and then get upset when somebody lets you down. I need you to vet them out. I need you to ask the right questions. I need you to pray on this. Ask the Lord to lead you to the right person. Now, that may be a professional that you have to pay. It may be a pastor. It may be a friend. But whatever you do, make sure that this person is going to number one, challenge you. And number two, is walking with the Lord. And number three, doesn't have an ulterior motive in your life. You need to be really careful there. That's why you've got to be very careful sometimes with family and friends because a lot of times they do have an ulterior motive. That's for another day.

So, we have to be able to come out of the spin and the spiral because the enemy is going to love to keep you trapped in that loop. Yeah. But they said this and now when we go back to James 1:5 and we're asking God for wisdom and he gives it to us, but we still don't have that loop closed because there's still other areas of our mind and our thoughts that we have not submitted to the lordship, that we have not forgiven for, we have not repented of, then we're going to enter right back into confusion. Do you see not only the loop that takes place here, but the side entrances that are coming at us? And this is why the enemy loves to use relational conflict because it gets you so spun up and out of control that you don't even know which end is up. You don't even realize that you're stuck in toxic thinking because you think it's a relational issue. You think that if you can just explain yourself a little bit better, if you can just say it in the right timing and the right tone, then they're actually going to get it, my friend. And you continue to now overfunction in these relationships. Meanwhile, the enemy is clapping his hands over here going, "That's great. I got them messed up in their mind. They're set to go for the next three weeks."

Please do not let this be you. You have so much more that God wants to do for you, in you, and through you. That my hope is that you today will say, "Enough is enough." And if you are with me in that, my friend, write that in the chat. Don't write it for me. Write it as a declaration for you. Enough is enough. I'm done letting the enemy use these people to sidetrack me, to get me into self-doubt, to cause me to question my identity, to get my thoughts spinning so much that I even question how good God is. Enough is enough.

Tactic number six, he separates you from support and confirmation. When you withdraw, when you minimize, or you stop telling the truth because it's just too exhausting to explain, and I know you've been there. You've essentially done the devil's dirty work for him. You slowly pull back from people who see clearly because you just don't want to hear it anymore. You're not like, "I know, I know, I know, but I don't want to hear it." You stop sharing things honestly because people that love you are going to challenge you and you're like, "I know, I know, I know." And you don't want to explain what feels confusing or embarrassing. So, you now find yourself in isolation. And isolation makes confusion feel spiritual. You think you're just taking time to be with the Lord. You think you're just taking time to process this. But my friend, we go back to what we were just talking about before and that spin and that spiral. If we do not have godly people challenging what's going on in our minds and in our hearts, you stand isolated and you are a sitting duck.

Narcissists love isolated people because they don't have to fear getting outside challenge. They don't have to fear that you're going to hear the truth from somebody. They just honestly believe that you're going to take their word for it and that's it. But I want you to remember Ecclesiastes 4:12. And it says this, "Though one might be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." You need help. We need to invite the Holy Spirit to walk with us through this. We need to seek wise counsel. We need the comfort of godly friends. We need community.

But there's a catch. Because when you've been attracted, when you've been trained to attract toxic people, when you've been trained to, when you've actually always been attracted to toxic people, who do you trust? How do you get the community you need? And that's where relearning what these people look like, why you're attracted to them, and that's usually the reason that it goes so much deeper. A lot of time, my friend, I hate to minimize this, but spotting these people is really easy. Really easy when you know what's going on inside of you. When you have a greater understanding of who you are and what God is calling you to do and what healthy looks like. But when you've been in an environment, whether you were raised or whether you've just been in one relationship after another that is toxic, you may know that it's not good, but you don't know what is good. I don't know what safe is if all I've ever experienced is unsafe. Because here's what happens is you become so familiar with that behavior that as much as you don't want it, your subconscious mind says, "Okay, I know how to deal with this." Even though you don't, but it thinks it does because it's familiar. I'm familiar with those outbursts. I'm familiar with how to handle his lashing out. I'm familiar with how to deal with the guilt trips. We may not want it, but we're familiar with it. And here is where we're going to end up in trouble because you're going to continue to mistake arrogance for confidence. You're going to continue to mistake innocence for a victim mentality. You're going to continue to mistake people who have an agenda for somebody who is. I just lost my train of thought. But you're going to constantly mistake the good for the unhealthy. And the more you grow, the more I need you to understand that the more you need to grow.

When I went back to school later in life, when I was younger, I thought I knew everything. You know, you teach me one thing and there it was, suddenly I was an expert. But when I went back to school, the more I learned, the more I realized I don't know. The more I knew, the more I didn't know. And that's also what happens when you're in these difficult relationships and you're starting to come out of this and you're learning who you are. You're learning some of their tactics. You're learning about them. You're learning about yourself. You need to now have that humility to say, "But I still don't know." Because this is where you are more prone to now get caught. I remember one time I had a friend of mine who was just becoming friends with this other person and they were toxic. Toxic is not even the word for it. Very manipulative. And they had this really sweet persona and they always seemed like broken and victimlike and never arrogant, never boasting about themselves. It was always these like, "Yeah, right." So I was quite experienced not only with this person but with the people that this person has damaged over time. So I remember saying to another friend of mine, "I'm not sure whether or not to warn this person." And do you know what my friend said to me? She says, "Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry. She came from a toxic mother. She's going to easily be able to recognize any type of manipulative behavior." And that's when it really hit me and I was like, "Oh, no, no, no, no. Actually, it is going to make her more prone to that manipulative behavior because she thinks that just because she learned and she recognized who her mother is that somehow now she's going to be able to spot everybody." Unfortunately, that again, we go back to that familiarity. And if it wears just a slightly different mask, then it might not be it at all. And that's how slick the enemy is. He's not going to send the same exact person back in, but he's going to send the same person with a different mask and one that is going to easily deceive you.

So, my friend, the reason I say all this is because when you are in isolation, you don't have those people in your life to say, "Hey, what was that going on?" or "Are you sure this person is XYZ?" And not in a gossipy kind of way. Please don't hear what I'm not saying, but someone who is just going to challenge you to stay close to the throne and help strengthen your discernment.

I do want to throw in one extra. I know we said we were going to talk about six, but would you mind if I talked about one more? I think this one is very important. Here's another tactic that the narcissists use to break you down. And this is a big one. They train you to confuse endurance with obedience. Many people that get caught in narcissistic relationships are people pleasers. They want the approval. I mean, we all want the approval of our partners. We like to make sure that we're pleasing the people around us. But people pleasers take that to a distorted level. So what happens is we go back to the agenda of toxic people. They're going to now praise you for staying quiet, for staying small, for dealing with the hurt. And you interpret your silence now as a Christlike strength instead of the demonic badge of honor that it actually is. And maybe you're praised for staying or bearing with it or dying to self or sacrificing. But what's actually happening, my friend, is self-erasure. It's not sanctification. It's self-editing. It's not sacrifice. You call it faithfulness, but if you're being honest, your joy, your peace, and your strength are gone.

So, let's look at the evidence in Galatians 5:22. If you're not believing me just yet. But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. And if we're being honest, none of which you're having, not in this relationship. And we blame them for stealing our peace. But the truth is, my friend, your peace is not theirs to take. So if they took it, it's because you gave it. Because obedience to God produces fruit. Obedience to them produces confusion. Matthew 11:28 says that "my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Godly obedience produces peace and clarity. It's not chronic depletion and loss of self disguised as sacrifice. My friend, trying to be in a relationship with a narcissist is exhausting. And if you're not careful, it can suck the life right out of you. And if you think that's simply an issue of the difficult relationship dynamic, you may want to think again because demonic forces are at work here and they are calculating. They are efficient and they are strategic.

And I want to pray with you before we dive into our Q&A, which if you do have questions, please make sure you put question marks before and after so we can spot them easily. My friend, I want to dive into prayer and ask God to open your eyes. Heavenly Father, I ask Lord that we would come before you in humility, just bowing before your holy and righteous throne. Father, we ask for your forgiveness in those areas that we have given lip service to you and full credit to these dysfunctional people in our lives that you've clearly told us to avoid. Father, please forgive us for the times that we don't navigate this well, where we step in to self-protection and we call it guarding our heart. Where we take you off the throne and we throw up this giant brick wall. Father, help us. Help us to let your love back in. Help us to be a light in this dark world. No, not assuming the responsibility for changing these people, Lord. But I pray for that one listening right now that they would take back their peace, the peace that you died for them to have. I pray, Father, that they would guard that peace and guard their heart with all diligence. Father, give them eyes to see. Give them eyes to see the deception that is around them. Not in a spirit of suspicion, not in a spirit of paranoia, but one of discernment. And Father, I pray that the first place that they would run would be to your feet, presenting this before your throne in petition, saying, "God, take this from me. Lord, show me what you want me to do with this. Lord, show me how this is meant to serve your purpose in my life." Because Father, right now we're saying enough is enough. We are going to declare that our pain is going to be used for your purpose. We declare Lord that you are going to take these ashes and turn them into something absolutely beautiful. So Father, right now as we submit ourselves before you, I ask that you would bring purpose from this pain. I ask that you would bring life from this loss, as only you can. We pray this in the mighty name of Jesus. My friend, if you agree with me, can you say amen?

He's got a mighty, mighty plan for you. And I don't know what that plan is. And it's not even necessarily your job to figure it out, but it is your job to sit before him in full submission, in full surrender. And I know it's hard when it feels like those catapults are coming at you from all different directions. And it is your job to fight. But Exodus 14:14 says, "You simply need to be still. I will fight for you." And if you are tired of overfunctioning, overgiving, and carrying the weight God never asked you to carry in these relationships, I do want to invite you to check out our online course. It's called Conquering Codependency Biblically. This is where I walk you through how to stop people-pleasing and how to truly start God-pleasing.

So, my friend, I do want to take a few minutes to dive into some of your questions. Again, if you have any questions, make sure you put question marks before and after so our moderators can spot them easily. So, I'm going to go ahead and try to pull them up. So, Zoe, I know you just sent me a question. For some reason, it came in a little distorted. It starts off with the psychological component. If you could resend that one, that would be helpful. Um, and hopefully I'll be able to catch that.

So, one of the questions is, "How do you deal with your pastor enabling their actions making you feel unsafe?" My friend, I'm very sorry. When those entrusted to bring wise counsel actually cause more damage, it can be very destabilizing. The first thing I want to encourage you is to recognize what is actually at play here. So, you're clearly not going to get the help that you need through this pastor. I don't know if this pastor is part of the problem or if they're just blind to the problem. But in either case, I need you to now get before God and start praying for other wise counsel. I need you to pray and ask God to open the eyes of somebody that is going to be able to help this situation because it's not uncommon. I wish I could say I was surprised. A lot of people, especially in the church, are not experienced with these dynamics, with these relationships, and many of them are fooled by, you know, fake smiles and scripture quoting and, you know, bumper stickers and. And I don't know your exact situation. So, you know, you could have somebody that is this level, like already toxic and they're just part of the actual destruction. Or then you have this end of the spectrum where they're just not seeing it. It's like, "Oh, but he just seems so nice." Or, "Oh, you just need to forgive a little more." Or, "Oh, just give him more sex." And it's very frustrating. And I'm very sorry to hear that, my friend. You may need to get some counsel for yourself to help with whatever is taking place within you because it can be very destabilizing. I hope that helped. Please let me know in the chat.

Here's a question I get asked often. In fact, I have a video on this, so I'll be able to go into it just a little bit and then I invite you to watch the video. The question is, "Is it considered breaking the marital covenant with God if you divorce a covert narcissist? I'm afraid of breaking that covenant if I divorce him. What if he divorces me? Is that the same?" So, let's start with the end and work backwards. If he divorces you, no, that's not you breaking the covenant. That's him breaking the covenant. It. I get a lot of backlash for this. Is breaking the covenant with a covert narcissist simply because they're a covert narcissist going against God? Yes, it is. Because nowhere in scripture does it say in cases of infidelity or covert narcissism are you allowed to divorce. So, we really have to be very careful. And I'm going to speak to the potential abuse in just a second. So if there's no infidelity, if there's no abandonment, then yes, it is breaking the covenant before God. And I could not in good conscience say that you are biblically released simply because they are a covert narcissist.

Now, again, please don't hear what I'm not saying. I know how incredibly difficult that is to be in that type of relationship. It's loveless. It's selfish. It's one-sided. It's filled with agendas and manipulations and slandering. And it is extremely difficult. But my friend, I want to encourage you that if that's what it is at this point, well, let me fast forward. If you're dealing with abuse, intense physical, psychological, emotional abuse, you do need to separate. It doesn't mean that we just go and file for divorce. God can change hearts. I have seen it. I've seen narcissists transformed not by your behavior but by the power of God. Is it often? No. But I've seen it happen. So please don't ever negate the power of God in somebody's life. With that said, it's not your job to now endure abuse waiting on something like that because sometimes that separation is exactly what's needed to wake someone up. And again, you're not doing that as a manipulation. You're doing that to say, "I need to step out of this. This behavior is not changing. This is very destructive to our marriage. This is destructive to me." And the intent of a separation would be that you're both working on yourselves and then coming together to work on the marriage. I'm not talking about a separation in the worldly sense where we just like, "Oh, okay, we separated and then we eventually get to divorce and then we just say we separated to make it look like we tried." We really need to utilize that separation in a biblical manner.

So let's say there is no psychological abuse. There is no emotional abuse that's taking place. And here's the tough part because depending on how exhausted you are in the process, depending on how fragile you are in your emotions will determine whether you label it abusive. So that's why somebody can't necessarily come in and say, "Oh, yeah, that's abusive and you need to leave." And especially right now, if I don't know. So please understand that I'm working off of two sentences on a live stream. I can't give advice. I don't know the actual situation. And that's why I would encourage you to get with good godly counsel because somebody that is walking in wisdom and discernment will be able to say that's abusive and something needs to shift.

So going back, I usually go down a couple of rabbit trails. Give me a thumbs up guys if you're tracking with me. So let's go back to am I breaking the covenant? Yes. Yes. I know you've probably had enough. I know you can't take it anymore. But if a separation is needed, then do so. If it's not, then I need you to get into battle. This isn't even just prayer. This is warfare. Warfare over your marriage. Warfare over their soul. Because a lot of times we look at also just getting away from this person. And I get it. But we also have to remember that that is a lost soul as well. And it's not your job to change them. It's not your job to transform them. And you are not responsible for it. That's why I created that online course, Conquering Codependency. Because so many times we step into these relationships as Christians and we overgive and we overfunction and we carry the weight that God is supposed to be carrying. So I need you to hand them over to God. So I'm kind of getting down into a whole other teaching. I encourage you to go check out that video. I think it's called "Will God Allow Me to Divorce My Narcissistic Spouse?" And I hope today has brought you a little bit more clarity rather than confusion.

So I'm just waiting on a few more questions to come through. Oh my, we have a lot. I'm still not understanding that question, so I'm going to have to go back. Thanks for your patience. This question is asking, "How do I manage the pain from parents and pastors and church community?" So, I'm not sure I understand the pain from what is it? Did somebody betray you? I'm assuming that's what you mean. Let's just talk on that for a moment. If I'm incorrect, then you'll have to repost your question. This is going to be number one, renewing the mind. Number two is taking this before the Lord. We have to begin to understand what God says. How do I manage this pain? I have to understand what God says, what his purpose is going to be in this pain, what he says about me in all of this, how he's going to use these ashes for something absolutely beautiful. If I can't even fathom that, then I'm just looking to get into pain management. And I know that's not what you're looking for. I pray that's not what you're looking for. We don't want to manage this pain. I want to give this to the Lord and allow him to use it for whatever he needs to use it for.

This question is asking, "How do you not tolerate a Jezebel if they are a close elder like a parent or someone who you go to church with? How do you navigate them with wisdom?" Well, personally, I'd be staying away from Jezebel. They are destructive. They are demonic. And they are agenda-driven. So, I would be very careful. Knowing who you are, knowing the truth has to be secure enough for you. Because if your job is now getting all of these people that refuse to see because they're blind, I have to get them to see. I have to get them to see. You are now the one caught in the demonic trap. Right now, you have to navigate this with truth and wisdom. Speak the truth in love. That's what scripture tells us to do. Not in a sappy, people-pleasing, tiptoe kind of way. No, this is the truth. Here's what we're dealing with. And then let God take care of the rest. I mean, go back to the book where God took care. He's stumbling over my words. God took care of Jezebel. Elijah didn't. He ran for the hills. He said, "God, take my life. She's coming for me." Seriously, after this, the miracle that God pulled on the sacrifice and now Elijah walks away and he's like, "Oh, I got to run for my life." No, speak the truth. Let God do the rest. Jezebel will be taken care of. And then of course, pray that God takes care of Jezebel.

So the next question is asking, "I prayed to God, why is this narcissist still here? Could it be that I need to learn some things?" So the short answer is yes. The long answer is yes. So why is the narcissist still here? Sometimes it's because God's allowing it. Sometimes it's because we're allowing it. I have seen more cases. It absolutely blows my mind. More cases of people allowing a narcissist into their lives. They keep opening the door. They keep forgiving. And I'm not saying you don't forgive, but they keep giving another chance. Even when no true repentance has taken place, they keep going, "Oh, but yeah, but oh, but." And then they're like, "God, why is this still?" It's not a God issue. That's a you issue. We keep letting this person back in because maybe, just maybe, they're here in our lives because we are the only one that's going to possibly be able to witness to them. Nonsense. If they're causing destruction in your life and Second Timothy 3 tells us to avoid such people, then we are actually in disobedience. So we have to begin to evaluate first and be honest. Is God allowing this person in your life or have you continued to allow this person in your life?

Okay. So let's backtrack. Let's just assume you're not the one continually opening the door. In the case of a marital covenant, it's not you continually opening the door. It's this person is still here and why isn't God taking care of this? Yes, there can be many, many reasons why. One, God could be looking to do something in you. He could be looking to do something through you. He is likely trying to use this person to refine you. And when we stop, when we get out of the place where we're like, "God, why? God, when?" And we start saying, "God, what? God, what are you trying to do in me? God, what do you need me to learn in this? God, what do you want me to do?" Then everything begins to shift because it becomes more about the connection with you and God than the solution to the circumstance. I hope that's helpful.

I think we have time for one more question. So, this is probably a very deep one to be taking in our final few minutes, but I'm feeling your hurt here, and I'm sensing the confusion that you're probably sitting in at this moment. "My covert narcissist husband doesn't reconcile nor divorce. He just left and comes back from time to time. What can I do? I don't have help in Hong Kong." You do have help in Hong Kong, my friend. You're right here. You've got a community that loves you and you have a God that knows no distance. So, you do have help. But I understand what you mean. So, in a sense, I'm not sure where you stand in all of this. If you feel that you're obligated to stay in the marriage because he keeps coming back from time to time, but with no repentance, what I'm hearing is an abandonment. So, he's leaving. He's not upholding his part of the marital covenant. That's an abandonment. Now, I'm not saying that so like that's it. Okay, good girl. You're done. You can leave now. But if there is some confusion on that part, because my confusion is understanding like why do you keep letting him back if there's been no repentance? If we're not working through these things and when the going gets just a little rocky, you decide to take off, that's not a marriage. You continually break that marital covenant. So dare I say that there might be room for biblical release here. However, if now you're stuck in this, because again, I don't want to come against anything that God has told you to do. I've seen situations where somebody was biblically released, but God says, "No, no, no. I need you to stand for this marriage, and I'm going to restore this." And he did. But again, that has to remain very prayerful, very careful, and we don't just allow somebody to just come right back in. No repentance. Assume some of the benefits of the marital covenants but not the responsibilities of it.

So my friend, I know that is a very short answer, but I hope that was helpful. The biggest thing that I do need you to understand is you do have help. You have a community that is here. You have a God that knows no distance. He sees you. He sees you. So my friend, I hope you have enjoyed our time as much as I have. I wish I could get to every single one of these questions. I know how pressing they are for you. I am very excited to announce something. Well, I don't have the details of it. That will be coming shortly. I have a program that's going to be coming out that is going to be able to provide some more personalized attention. So I hope you're getting excited about that. If you're not on the email list, go ahead and sign up for one of our freebies or just shoot us an email and say, "We want to get on the email list," and you'll get alerted to that. Or if you're following us, if you're subscribed on YouTube, we'll go ahead and post some more information as that draws closer.

So my friend, I pray that you remember that you serve a God who will do exceedingly abundantly above what you could ask, hope, or think. So until next time, be blessed. Bye for now.