Transcription
[Music] let's go out to Columbia Tennessee and talk to Melissa. What's up, Melissa?
Hey Dr. John, what's up?
Um, just a lot of mess going on.
Uh oh, tell me about it.
So, husband, we've been together for about seven years. Um, got married last year. Um, and about six months ago, I entered an affair with another man. Okay. Um, and at this point, I am, it was started out as something fun. I know that's stupid. Um, but it turned into something a lot more emotional than I expected. And now, at this point, I just, I don't know what to do. I mean, I do know what to do, but I don't know what to do at the same time. Like, I know cheating on my husband is wrong, but at the same time, I have really deep feelings for this other man, and I'm in love with two men at the same time, and it's just very difficult.
What's difficult about it for you?
Well, it's because I love my husband.
You hold on, hold on. You don't. And you have. He's. So that, that ship sailed. Like, what's hard about it?
I just don't know what to do. At the point, I, I mean, I, my husband doesn't know what's going on. Um, the other gentleman does know that I am married. Um, and I don't want to leave my husband, but I don't want to break things off with this other gentleman either.
So let me, let me put, let me give you another side to this, okay? So, okay, number one, I don't think you love your husband. I don't. I think you love the idea of the security that seven-plus years of, of quasi-stable relationship brings. I also think, because, well, I'll just leave it at that. I also think deep down you understand that you are with somebody of so little character that he doesn't mind blowing up another family so he can hook up a somebody. So I think you found yourself in like a pretty, pretty, uh, dicey moral dilemma. And this isn't who you want to be, is it?
No, it's not. I mean, I consider my, I, I've never done anything like this in my entire life.
Hold on, hold on. I don't care about that because you are right. You are right now. You right now. And so that we can say those kind of statements to make ourselves feel better in the moment. Let's don't do that. Let's don't try to like, uh, numb over this moment, okay? It sucks. And so I don't see a way where all of this doesn't end in ash. Maybe it does if you go back to your husband, you cut this off, and you never talk to this stranger again as long as you live, ever. Um, and your husband chooses to build something new with you because your marriage, as you know it, is over. It's over. Completely burned to the ground. And if y'all choose to build something else, cool. Or you leave your husband of, of one year plus six years, and you make a life with this dude, and you're always going to know he's the kind of guy that really doesn't care. He'll blow up somebody's family just to get his. It's both hands, right? Yeah.
So, like, you called knowing probably what you're going to do. What are you going to do?
I, I'm going to tell my husband what's going on and, uh, let him make the decision.
No, no, no, no, no, no. He doesn't get to make this call. You got to be a grown woman. You made the decision to blow up your house. You made the decision to find true, true love finally with this dude.
Where'd y'all meet?
The gym.
Of course. Is he a personal trainer?
He's not.
Okay. Um, let me ask you this. What, what was it about seven years with the guy that became your husband? What about that relationship?
It's been difficult. Um, we've had a lot of ups and downs. I suffer from mental illness. I'm a recovering drug addict. Okay. So he's been with me through a lot of stuff, and I felt like I owed my life to him for pulling me out of everything. I don't feel like we're compatible in a lot of ways because I like a lot of emotional touch, a lot of affirmation, and I don't feel like I get that.
Have you ever been really specific and clear with him about what you need?
Several times. And he's good for a couple of days, and then he just kind of falls back into old habits.
Okay. Why did you marry him?
I felt like I owed it to him, honestly, for everything that he went through with me. Um, hospital stays, rehab, that kind of thing. So I just felt like I owed it to him to stay with him because he stayed with me through a lot of crap that most men wouldn't have.
Yeah, and I think relationship and love out of obligation eventually runs out of gas. Yeah. And sometimes what seems like the, the kindest thing to do can end up being the cruelest thing because he's been through hell and back with you, and he saw something in you seven years ago that you couldn't see in yourself, right? Right. And he, and he took that trip. And instead of you having the harder conversation saying, honey, I'm not going to marry you. I'll always have a place for you in my soul. Like, like you walked alongside me through some darkness. And, um, also, I don't think we were meant to be romantically involved for the rest of our lives to build a life together. Um, both of those things can be true. And that might, that might sound mean, but it's just him being honest. But looking him in the eye and say, I do, forever. And then immediately finding somebody new to hook up with, that feels more cruel, right?
What is it about your home that, uh, makes you feel like you're slowly suffocating?
It feels very controlling in a way. My husband sees every dime that I spend. I have no access to any of our financial accounts. I get an allowance of what I can spend every week, and he still, like I said, he sees every dime I spend.
So he's your dad. He's not your husband.
Can't go anywhere. I mean, yeah, it feels that way sometimes. And I've told him.
You're not allowed to go anywhere?
Not without telling him where I'm going.
So you're in an abusive, controlling relationship. It seems that way sometimes. Yes.
Okay, here's what I want you to do. Okay. Um, I want you to go find somebody to talk to today. Before you talk to anybody, do you have somebody?
I have a, I have a.
I mean, you have a counselor in town. You need a neutral third party.
I do have a counselor. Um, it's my pastor at church, one of my pastors.
Okay. Have you told your pastor what's going on?
I have not.
Okay. Man, this is hard. Here's why this is hard. Oh boy. I'm gonna get myself in trouble here. Um, all right. I was just going to say it. So I need you to sit down with somebody who is not going to immediately default to sending you back to an abusive relationship. And there's some. Are there some extraordinary, brilliant, trained pastors who understand that fidelity in a marriage is bigger than just who had sex with somebody? But you can have financial infidelity, and you can have, um, you can stomp somebody's soul out, and you're not being a person of fidelity in marriage. And my fear for you is that you go tell a pastor, and by the way, I'm telling you right now, this other relationship at the gym ends in a supernova, period. And people on the internet will be like, you don't know, you don't know. I'm telling you right now, this ends bad. Okay? So I would put that one to bed. And anybody who tells you otherwise, like, no, just go try it out and see how it goes. They're just, that's just YOLO nonsense, okay? But if your pastor, somebody who will listen to you and will hear you and will hear you for the mess that your marriage is right now, and isn't instantly going to say, not to stay with knucklehead, I think you should cut that one off. That's just, if you were my sister or my friend, I would say, just be done with that. You, what you're feeling is somebody treating you on an equal playing field. You're feeling alive for the first time, probably post-sobriety, and it feels like love. It is not. It is two people that met at a gym and they're hooking up. The other side of that is, uh, and by the way, when you, one of you has security and one of you has endless amounts of freedom, you can lay together and dream and talk about the future. You can do all that stuff with no strings attached because one of you is anchored in and the other one's just at sea. When you end up breaking up with, uh, if your husband, you decide to break up, you're going to realize what a mess it is. What I'm nervous about is you go sit with a pastor who's well-meaning and says, you have to end this relationship at the gym. Fair. I agree. And you've got to go back and be subservient to a person who is abusive to you. And that's where I would challenge him. Here's the deal. You may end up with nobody at the end of this deal, and I don't know that that's the wrong move. I don't know that that's not the right thing.
Right now, being alone scares me.
Honestly?
Of course it does. Probably terrifies you.
Does being in an abusive relationship terrify you a little bit?
Yeah.
Is being with somebody who...
Won't help me. So I've never thought of it as abusive. If somebody won't let you be a person of agency, they treat you like their daughter. That is controlling. Now, he would probably tell me, if I was talking to him on the phone, dude, you don't know how many nights I had to go find her in an alley, and the nights in rehab, the nights in the hospital. We've created a system that works to keep her alive. Is that probably what he would tell me?
Okay. Yeah. Actually, I'm going to back out of all my advice. Okay. I'm not going to tell you what to do here. I'm going to tell you cheating on your husband's not right. Never is. It's okay. It's not okay. All right. I'm going to tell you, I think you should go talk to your pastor or your counselor and sit down and say, here's what's happening, here's where I am, and here's the things that my husband does that makes me feel unsafe. And I also know that even though this other person makes me feel alive, it's a facade. It's not real. And that you don't know what to do next. Okay?
Okay. Is that, is that fair?
Yes.
And do you understand I'm not yelling at you? I'm not mad at you. I know my heart aches for you. I can't even imagine the road you've traveled.
Right. Probably not. Yeah.
I'll say this, I'm glad you're still here. If you are wrestling with mental health challenges, please get under the care of a trained, licensed professional. Um, I'm going to give you three months free with my friends at BetterHelp. And stay on the line, we'll get you a code, and you can connect with a licensed counselor, licensed therapist there that can walk alongside you. Your husband's going to get to decide if he wants to stay. He doesn't get to decide what you do. You, you're a grown adult. You get to decide what happens next. I'm going to ask to be a person of good character and to admit where you've gone sideways and to admit that you've hurt people. And to also make a decision moving forward that is in alignment with your values, with who you want to be, with your character. There is no way forward without pain. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt multiple people. It's going to be a mess. And I promise you, there's light on the other side of it if you be a person of character walking through it. And if you get people to walk with you. You can't do this by yourself. Thank you for the call, Melissa. Let us know how it goes. I can't wait to hear about this one.