Transcription
When we studied how couples brought up problems, you know, on videotape, these 3,000 couples, what we saw was that they followed basically three rules, three typical behaviors for couples who made it work, who made lasting relationships. Here's what they did.
Step one, they always started with "I." And it was usually "I'm upset" or "I'm worried" or "I'm angry." So it was "I" plus some kind of feeling. And, you know, if they didn't know, you know, they didn't know from feelings what feeling is what feel, which one, they just say "I'm upset" because, again, as I mentioned earlier, upset covers everything.
So they'd say "I'm upset," and then, "About what?" Step two is "about what." And the "about what" part was really interesting because they wouldn't say, "I'm upset that you're such an idiot." They wouldn't do that. They wouldn't go blaming, right? They would say something that was again more factual. They talk about the facts. "I'm upset that the garbage hasn't been taken out." "I'm angry that there's a new dent in the car." "I'm furious." So they could be angry. Anger was okay. "I'm furious that the, the bills haven't been paid." Okay. So they were not describing their partner, they were describing themselves and then describing the situation that they were upset about. That's, that was the trick.
And finally, the third step is that they would say what they needed. How could their partner make it better? How could their partner shine for them? So they said what they needed. "I need you to take out the garbage." "I need you to drive more carefully so our car will be protected." So they would say what they needed.
And I know that that's something that's really, really hard for us, especially in this culture because, after all, we're all individuals. We're all self-sufficient. We don't need anybody from any, you know, nothing. We need nothing, right? Ha haa. We are all pack animals as little human beings, and we do need each other. That's the reality. We die if we don't have connection with other people. You take infants and isolate them, they die. You can give them all the food and water they need, they will die. We need touch. We need connection. We need each other. That's just the reality. There's no such thing as too needy. No such thing. Everybody has needs. That's who we are. That's how we're built.