Transcription
I'm a severe dismissive avoidant. And if I was honest with you and honest with myself, I'd tell you this is how our relationship is going to go. I'm going to come in and I'm going to come in hot and heavy. I'm going to love bomb.
I just got out of a horrible relationship, a long relationship with a toxic partner, someone who's narcissistic, or maybe someone who is just severely dismissive avoidant as well. The relationship was unfulfilling and I knew I wanted something more. And then I meet you. You are all the things that I've been looking for. There's a real connection. There's a real chemistry. And I am feeling infatuated with you.
I spent a lifetime bottling up emotions, suppressing them, not allowing myself to access those feelings. But you're making me feel good. My dopamine levels are off the charts and I'm feeling great. So, my insecurities and my anxieties, they're being suppressed because I'm not even paying attention to them. I think I've gotten it right and I'm letting all these bottled up emotions flow out onto you. And I legitimately think that I have a future with you. I think I finally got it right this time.
The relationship is going to progress somewhere between the 4 to 8 month mark, though. Suddenly, I am going to be overcome with anxiety. My dopamine levels are coming down. And now all those insecurities are coming right to the surface. We're getting closer, which scares me. And now I'm starting to rethink the relationship. I'm ruminating on an ex. I'm thinking maybe that was the one that got away. And I'm looking for any flaws and inconsistencies that I can find in you. Because if I find them on in you, I don't have to blame myself and I can leave the relationship. I can give into my urges to run away and not have to take accountability for it.
I struggled to be introspective. I struggled to look within. So I am searching for things to blame this on you. That's because I have a deep wound of shame. I grew up in a household where my needs were neglected, my emotional needs. Yeah, I had food and clothing and shelter, but we couldn't talk about feelings. If I was crying, my parents told me to suck it up and be a man and to, you know, go be sad in my room. Nobody wanted to see my emotions. So, I learned to stuff it.
My parents also had very high expectations of me. And I was only given praise based off of achievement. So, I put all of my self-worth into my career success and financial success. That's what makes me a good successful person. Emotions and vulnerability, that's scary. I don't feel like I'm really all that great. And my fear is if I lower my walls and I really let you in, you're going to figure that out and you're going to reject me. You're going to abandon me. I feel like I'm less than you and you deserve so much better than me. But I don't really want to necessarily confront that or take ownership for it. So now I am searching for ways to blame this on you.
And eventually I reached my breaking point with anxiety and I am going to abruptly pull the rug from under your feet. You're going to be devastated. But I've seen it coming inside because I've been feeling this anxiety. I just haven't communicated it to you because I don't express my feelings. Expressing feelings means vulnerability, which means rejection. It's painful. It's scary. I can't go there. I won't let myself go there.
You're devastated, but I'm feeling enormous relief because I no longer have pressure to meet your expectations. I no longer have to be vulnerable for you. I no longer have to fear disappointing you or being exposed as being not good enough for you. But I don't necessarily want to come to terms with that either. I don't want to face the fact that I hurt you. So, I'm going to go out and distract myself. I'm going to do everything I can to avoid reflecting on the relationship and avoid accountability. I'm going to go hang out with friends. I'm going to go take trips, spend time with family, immerse myself in work, and I'm going to be living my best life. Or at least you'll think so. But I'm just trying to numb the pain. I'm just trying not to feel it at all. And if you reach out, I'm just going to continue to back off because that's more pressure and I can't hear that.
But eventually, you know, you're going to go into no contact with me, and I'm going to start really feeling safe because I'm no longer being pressured to be in a relationship with you. I don't have to be vulnerable. Now, I can ruminate on you. Oh shoot, I think I made a mistake. I probably screwed up. Oh my god, you're the one that got away. So, I'm going to start giving little cues and clues, little breadcrumbs. I want to know that you still want me. I want to know that you still desire me and that you don't hate me. And when you take those breadcrumbs and you reciprocate, oo, pressure again. So, I'm going to back off and disappear.
I might get to the point where I want to give this another try. Especially if you seem more unavailable. I'm going to want you more because there's no pressure to be vulnerable because you're not putting expectations on me either. And then we get back together, it's going to feel great. The dopamine is returning. Oh, I got it right this time. But then, guess what? I'm going to get triggered again as we get closer. If we have any disagreements or if you have expectations and I'm going to shut down and pull the rug from under your feet and discard you all over again. And then I'm going to tell myself it must be that this is just the wrong person because when I meet the right person, I won't feel this way again. Pinning all the responsibility of my insecurities and the failure of the relationship on you because that way I don't have to poke at that core wound of shame and I get to continue to avoid.
And I'm going to continue this cycle with partner after partner until I really finally hit my rock bottom to where I'm really feeling lonely and feeling the pain and recognizing that I sabotaged some wonderful relationships. Then I'm finally going to seek therapy and work to become a secure, emotionally available person. And then maybe if I can get to that point, I can have a healthy, sustainable relationship. But as long as I keep avoiding, unfortunately, I'm an emotional wrecking ball that breaks heart after heart after heart, escaping accountability the whole way.