Transcription
Chapter 14. Party protocol.
You've engaged in pre-party conversations, built trust, and identified potential lovers. You may have even pre-negotiated a scene. Now that you're ready to play, you get to understand party protocol. Different types of parties will have very different vibes, and it's important to think about what types of parties you're interested in exploring. In this chapter, we explore two types of commonly found play parties, but these are only two of many variations and varieties that can be found. Make sure that you do your homework and due diligence in exploring the ethos, policies, and procedures of whatever play space you're entering into, making sure it's in alignment with the type of experience you're hoping to have. Here, we'll explore some essential aspects of party protocol and highlight potential [ __ ] scenarios to avoid.
Understanding the party type, swinger versus poly.
The first thing you need to do is determine what kind of party you've been invited to, a swinger party or a poly party. The protocols for each can differ significantly, and while the below differentiations aren't hard and fast, they give us somewhat of an outline of what can typically be expected.
Swinger parties often require paid tickets and are typically held at hotels or formal event spaces or clubs, sometimes featuring hotel takeovers. Frequently alcohol-heavy with large dance floors. Priority is placed on public spaces for interacting and moving sexual activity into private hotel rooms for designated play. More of a focus on casual play, often involving couples who direct the interaction. Common [ __ ] stealing the spouse.
As a single party, as a single person at a swinger party, Jacqueline found herself attracted to someone on the dance floor. She immediately caught their eye and danced her way over to begin to engage. Within minutes, she was making out on the dance floor, only to be approached by her new lover's spouse, who was visibly upset by the makeout session. To avoid Jacqueline's fate, be sure to check in prior to engaging. Are you here with a partner? Do you two have any agreements around engagement that I should be aware of? Ignoring this can lead to uncomfortable situations or even conflict.
Poly parties.
These events include many single attendees or couples who have negotiated their agreements ahead of time. Parties are often at people's homes, involve meals, and attendees are often in larger polycules rather than two-person couples. Play spaces are either concentrated in one location or scattered throughout, but there are fewer opportunities to peel off to a private room. Couples are less likely to play together, and individual play is more common. If you meet someone at a poly party, it's still wise to check if they are partnered and understand their relationship agreements before proceeding, often as part of your RBD SMA.
The opening circle.
An opening circle sets the tone for the party and also varies between swinger and poly events. Pay attention during this circle to understand the rules and vibe of the event. If consuming substances, it's best to refrain until after the close of opening circle. Important note, be aware of whether the event you are attending is a come as you go or come and go as you like type of event or whether there's a set starting time. If it's the latter, don't be late for opening circle as many parties will not allow you to attend if you show up afterwards.
Swinger parties, if present, the opening circle is typically brief, focusing on STI status and substance use, lasting less than 15 minutes. If the opening circle is brief, expect that encounters are likely to be more casual and transactional in nature and that the RBD SMA conversation will likely need to be led by you, not as commonly practiced at these events.
Poly parties, expect a longer, more in-depth opening circle. The circle may include consent discussions, negotiation samples, and opening exercises. This may feel painfully long at first, but it can create more comfort later in the evening, particularly if many attendees are new to parties. If the opening circle is longer, this group is likely to engage in more relationship-heavy ways and will likely be more open to engaging outside of the party. If you want to keep things casual, it will be important to disclose that upfront.
Opening circles generally emphasize the rules of the event. Give an overview of how to engage with the space and each other. Cover STI and substance safety and give the attendees an opportunity to engage with one another or ask questions. Asking questions can be a great way to discern whether a certain engagement or act feels comfortable for you. Opening circles also give you an opportunity to drop into the space, hang up whatever you were doing earlier in the day, and settle into a new environment.
As Pria Parker emphasizes in The Art of Gathering, every gathering should have a clear purpose. Before the event, reflect on why you're attending. What do you hope to achieve? By setting an intention, you can navigate the protocols and interactions with greater clarity and purpose. For instance, you might enter a party with the intention to form meaningful connections rather than simply seek casual encounters. This mindset can guide your interactions, helping you to choose with whom to approach and how to engage respectfully and thoughtfully.
STI testing and disclosure.
Getting tested for STIs is crucial to open relating. Here's what you need to know.
Testing frequency. Aim to get tested at least every 90 days. Be prepared to show your results.
Testing panel. Ensure you have a full panel that includes testing for HIV, HPV, HSV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and others. A combination of blood, urine, and saliva tests is best for this. Be prepared to share your results often throughout the party. And for extra credit, keep a copy of your results with you to share visibly with potential lovers.
Exercise disclosure formula. If you have never disclosed STI results before and are nervous about doing so, feel free to follow this formula: "I was last tested on [date]. I underwent a full panel inclusive of blood, urine, saliva. I was tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HSV, HPV, etc. My results were non-reactive for X and reactive for Y. Because I am reactive for Y, I prophylactically take Valtrex before events like this and have not had any symptoms for X months leading up to this party. If any of this causes you pause, please stop and talk about it until you either feel comfortable or we decide not to engage." Normalizing this conversation may be difficult, but it is one of the most important things that we can do to protect health and safety in the ENM community.
Communication with your partner.
If attending with a partner, clear communication throughout the event will serve you well.
Exercise. Set your stage. Talk briefly with your partner through the following.
Pre-party agreements. Will you have a way of communicating if one of you wants to leave? Do you have an expectation of leaving together?
Check-in protocol. Before the party, negotiate how you'll check in with each other. Is it every hour before playing with new people? Be sure to adhere to these agreements, even if it feels hard while in the act. If one partner breaks any event-specific agreement during the party, it's nearly guaranteed to create tension and harm the relationship. However, every time you set agreements and adhere to them, trust and secure attachment is built.
Scene etiquette when walking the space.
Once activities have begun, it can be exhilarating to witness others in the act. Watching or witnessing is often welcome, but not always. There are a few ways to determine what is acceptable around watching and entering scenes. First, you can always ask during the opening circle. The organizer will always have an opinion as to how to navigate other people's scenes. If you miss that opportunity, pay attention to physical barriers. Some parties allow people to use rooms and close doors or put up a rope. If there is any barrier to entering the scene, take that as a clear indicator that you are not invited. However, if a door is open or if you are witnessing something in an open space, there is a general rule to never break the scene by speaking or inserting yourself in any way. If the scene is open, voyeurism is generally accepted as long as you are not adding your own energy to the space. This means that you should not begin jacking off or moaning or talking loudly. If you are invited to watch, watching is all that will be acceptable. Give this group their space and wait for your turn to enter another scene as it is being negotiated.
The importance of consent.
Consent is the cornerstone of open relating. Understanding consent will be essential to ongoing success in dating and play environments, and exercising consent will ensure that all parties feel safe and fulfilled at the close of each new experience. The FRISE acronym is a helpful way to remember the key components of consent. It stands for:
F freely given. Consent must be willingly and without any form of coercion or manipulation. It should be a choice made freely by all parties involved.
R reversible. Anyone can change their mind about consent at any time, even if they initially agree. Consent is not a one-time decision. It can be revoked whenever a person feels uncomfortable.
I informed. All parties must have all necessary information to make a clear decision about consent. This means understanding what the activity entails, any potential risks involved, and any other relevant details.
E enthusiastic. Consent should be enthusiastic, meaning that all parties are excited and eager to participate in an activity. A lack of enthusiasm or a passive response does not constitute valid consent. Unless you're a hell yes, you're a hell no.
S specific. Consent is specific to a particular activity. Just because someone consents to one thing does not mean they consent to everything. Consent must be obtained for each individual activity.
Using the FRISE acronym can help to ensure the consent you are both offering and receiving is clear, mutual, and respectful in any interaction.
[ __ ] Surprise escalation.
Trish was once at a play party where she consented to make out with Lucy at the beginning of the night. Much later in the evening, when she was otherwise engaged with someone else, she felt someone go down on her. Because she was distracted in her current scene, she could not see who was going down on her. When Trish was able to see who it was, she learned that Lucy had one, entered a scene that they were not invited into, and two, engaged in an act that they did not receive consent with which to engage. If you engage with someone at the beginning of the night, don't assume they'll be open to further activities later. Always check in verbally and receive a verbal yes or no.
Navigating a play party can be exhilarating, but understanding the protocols is essential for a positive experience. Remember to respect boundaries, communicate openly, and prioritize consent. By doing so, you'll set the stage for a fun and fulfilling adventure in open relating.