How Do I Tell My Family I’m an Addict?

How do I tell my teenage children I'm an alcoholic and an addict? I want the science nerdy answer of how I can how I can um not overindulge with with everything.

And >> there's a couple of things here that are out of order. And so I'm going to challenge you with a few things. Is that cool? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delone Show. We're recording this at the very beginning of the new year. >> More importantly, I believe we are recording this. >> It's my birthday. I know 21's a big one. I can drink now. >> Whatever. >> It's pretty awesome. >> 21 times two plus >> plus a few two getting old up in there. Um yes. But uh happy birthday to me, Kelly. I appreciate the big birthday present you got me. >> You're welcome. >> But that means nothing. But it's cool. Um >> but it was a big box of nothing. I mean, it was it was Yeah. >> It's your glorious smile that I see right through the glass right now. >> That's it.

All right, let's stay right here in Nashville and talk to April. Hey, April. What's going on? >> Hey, Dr. John. I am locked in and I'm ready to go. >> I love it. I love it. What's going on? um how do I tell my teenage children I'm an alcoholic and an addict and I'll get more to that and second how can I find the root of the addiction and the concept of overindulging and not being satisfied and um as a background of that I'm a I'm a Christian I believe the faith answer that um that Jesus is the only one that truly satisfies us but I want I want the science nerdy answer of how I can how I can um not overindulge with with everything and I I can give you I can give you more details after that. I know that's a lot. >> No, it's not at all. I'm really honored that you uh that you called. It means the world to me.

>> Um >> there's a couple of things here that are out of order. >> Okay. >> And so it probably is >> what I would what I would >> I'm going to challenge you with a few things. Is that cool? >> Absolutely. >> Um and I want to make a guess. Tell me if I'm wrong or if I'm right. Okay. Okay. >> That you love complexity. >> Yeah. Okay. >> Because complexity allows you space >> Mhm. >> to not do the next thing. >> Yes. >> Okay. >> Okay. >> So, I have made it my life as a as a lifelong academic nerd. I've made it my mission to try to dispel with as much complexity as possible. Okay. >> Okay. >> So, this is not the season for figuring out root causes. >> Okay. >> This is the season for stop using. >> Okay. Um, can I go into the can I go into some of the backstory? >> Totally. >> Okay. All right. So, and maybe that will explain some of it. So, I'm 49. I've been married for 27 years. Um, I did drink a lot in college, but I became a Christian. I was sober for 25 years. We've got seven kids. They did not grow up around alcohol at all. Um, recently we had we had a a bit of a traumatic event last year. We um sold everything um and moved to Puerto Rico as missionaries. And um everything's going great down there. I fell. I hit my head um and did blunt force trauma to my head. My husband had to do CPR. Um we had to move back to the United States. I had a pulmonary embolism. We had 17 moves in 6 months. Uh we had to start over with everything. So um I had some post-traumatic stress from that. And so I started I got the brilliant idea that I would drink alcohol to escape and numb out that trauma because it has been absolutely overwhelming. >> Yeah. Everything has been overwhelming. It was my life's dream to to be a missionary and then to have that just taken which I still I mean I'm I'm I talked to everybody anywhere but you know just that was my that was my dream and now it's it's gone and and we came home and I was in the hospital for several days and they thought I was a homeless person and it has just it has been a a disaster and so it's I was looking for anything I possibly could to escape to numb out to lessen that trauma because I found it's very difficult to get mental help when you're not um suicidal and I've never been suicidal and I tried came back from Puerto Rico and I tried to get help and it was it was hard. So I recently turned to alcohol. >> How long have you got me through? >> How long have you started drinking? >> Oh, I started in May and then I stopped um right before Christmas. So I've been about 11 days sober. >> Okay. And I also um I smoke um marijuana to deal with the post-traumatic stress because that's um I've been to um psychiatrists. I've been to all sorts of medicine and I mean it's just I nightmares and trauma and I mean I'm I'm just trying to make it day by day by day. Um, as far as being an addict, I say that because it's like it's just fill in the blanket. Shopping, food, um, alcohol, what, what, whatever. >> But like you said, no. >> Did you have the compulsive behaviors before you fell and hit your head? >> Um, looking back, yes. >> Okay. >> I had um I had some I was in pain management for 5 years and became addicted to um painkillers. Y um food has been one in the past. Shopping. I've bought all kinds of things I don't need.

Tell me about your home growing up. >> Oh, home growing up was um I grew up in Montana, normal. Um parents both married. They've been married like 54 years. Um my dad was kind of um he he we didn't have a great relationship. He was gone a lot. Um but we're still on on speaking terms with my family. I love my family very much. Had a very thankful for the way that I was raised. >> Did you struggle with compulsive behavior as a kid? Um, uh, not well, I don't know. I never I've never really thought about that actually. Um, I don't think so. >> Okay. >> Like what like what kind of childhood like compulsive behaviors? >> I mean, did you struggle with eating, with sexually acting out, with food, with with >> no >> washing your hands? Did you anything like that? >> Um, no. I noticed some um some OCD tendencies later on as I've gotten older. Um, but no no sexual troubles at all. >> Okay. >> Um, no eating disorders. Um, average weight, average height.

So, this is a a strange question to ask you. Okay. >> Okay. When did you stop liking you? >> Oh, when I started feeling like I was a burden to my uh to my family. >> When did that start? >> Um uh that was in 2012. I had um one of my uh daughter when we had our seventh child, I had a a traumatic birth and um I ended up having seven surgeries. I was in I had got 157 units of blood. Um we were my husband's in the military. We were PCSing. We had to stay um where we were. He ended up not getting promoted. Um I've always just felt like a a burden because of the health bad health stuff. And then now especially leaving Puerto Rico, I feel like it's my fault because if I hadn't fallen and died, then uh we would still be there. So, it's I bear a lot of that guilt and burden on myself >> cuz what what I hear is somebody who is >> Yes, you got to you're going to have to go sit with somebody. Clearly, you're you're struggling with the aftermath of almost not being alive, right? And most people don't have >> the misfortune and down the road the fortune of leaning over the edge and realizing, oh, this is real fragile. this thing we call life. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> And it's terrifying. >> Yeah. >> And so you for sure need to go talk to somebody. >> Yeah, I have. I've I've actually I went to um to on-site down there by outside Nashville. >> Yeah. Yeah. Great. >> I went to their healing trauma program and then I'm going again to their healing trauma program again next week. >> Wonderful. Wonderful. It's they've got a great reputation and I know some people who've been through there and speak highly of it. So um but here here's what I'm going to tell you. Trauma is like the things that have happened to you >> are if you think about it like you've probably heard me use this analogy before but like carrying a backpack around those are two or three or four giant cinder blocks that got dropped into your backpack. >> Mhm. >> But that sucker was already filled with bricks. Mhm. Already filled with I think my husband has these dreams. I wonder if he'd be better off without me. Kid one, kid two, kid three. I'm not good at this thing. I wonder if they would be better off with a different mom. Fair. Um, I I want to pre prerequisite that with that raising my children has been the absolute highest honor of my life and I absolutely love love that. But there been times. >> Yes, I know. But you're you're trying to protect them and they're not even here. >> Sorry. Okay. >> I want I want to tell you you have permission to have the feelings that you have. >> Okay. >> Or let me say it this way. There's no bad feelings. Okay, >> there's smart and not smart next right stabs. >> Okay, >> but you're allowed to be really frustrated that you have seven kids. >> Well, most of them are are teenagers now, so they're fantastic. >> But but hold on. You're you're allowed to be in love and in awe of the man you're married to and really frustrated with his military career. >> Uhhuh. You're allowed to have this fantasy about what's going to happen. You're going to go do these things in another country and then this stupid thing called gravity shows up and bam, now I find myself in the states unemployed in hospital. >> Uhhuh. >> You're allowed to feel all those things. And somewhere along the way that idea of you being a burden is not just financial, is not just time, but you think just having a having a feeling. It somehow denigrates other people that you care about. And what that means is you're a person who doesn't believe you have the right to exist emotionally, spiritually, physically. And weed takes that pain away. >> Yes. >> Alcohol takes that pain away. Yes. >> So, the scary path for you, and I'm glad you've already signed up for to go to on-site. The scary path for you is is putting the crutches down, which is what alcohol and weed are. And you're going to have to feel the pain in your knees and in your feet and learn to rewalk and let your body get strong again. >> Okay? But that's going to come from a place of I'm not a burden. My family would not be better off without me. >> No. No. I absolutely agree that with that they wouldn't. I >> I know you you agree with that intellectually, but you don't believe that in your chest. >> You're right. >> And you've had some gnarly things happen to you, huh? >> Yes. I really am. Yeah. >> And then what we get is tomorrow if we're lucky. And we get to decide what tomorrow's going to look like.

In terms of telling your kids, how old are your kids? >> Rattle off their ages if you can even remember them all. I'm just >> Oh, I can remember them all. >> Uh 13, uh 16, 17, 18, 21, 23, 25. >> Okay. Do they all live with you? >> Um, no. Two are married and have um families their own. Um, five live with us. >> Okay. >> So, >> and and I've been honest with him about like smoking marijuana before. When I was in the pain pill addiction, I was honest with them. So, we have good communication, but I just don't know like that's not just I mean it's a hard thing to just say is like, "Hey, by the way, I've been drinking in my closet for 3 months." >> Yeah. I don't know that that that the specific details of that are important right now. >> Okay. >> I think them knowing that, hey moms, I've been really struggling since coming back from Puerto Rico. I've been really struggling trying to get my bearings back after a traumatic brain injury, trying to find my footing here and I've fallen into some old habits again. And I don't want to go into details in all of them, but I want you all to know that I love you. And I'm going to bed earlier and earlier because I'm struggling, not because anything y'all are doing. And I miss y'all. I'm going to get the help I need. >> Okay. >> You just walking out and launching. I'm an addict. A, I don't know that that's true. And B, what what's a 13-year-old supposed to do with that? You're just taking one of your center blocks and tossing it to your 13-year-old saying, "Hey, you carry this for a while." >> Well, which is exactly what I didn't want to do. And that's why I'm ask I'm asking because you're so much smarter than me. >> No, trust me, I'm not. But but like do you get what I'm saying? It's it's telling them, "Hey, mom's sick and mom's falling into some old habits again and I'm going to get the help I need." >> But I want them to know I haven't been closing the door at 6:00 and not coming out because I don't like being around y'all. >> Okay. >> I've been going into the bathroom cuz I'm sick. I'm not well. >> Okay. Okay. >> And your dad, if he if this is true, your dad's been amazing. The way y'all have stepped up and filled in the gap for dinners, for cleaning up around here and all that have been amazing. And I'm so proud of you guys. Um, y'all are showing me that I'm not a burden. >> Okay. >> Thank y'all for loving me when I'm not well. >> Okay. >> And then ask each of them, can you give your your mom a hug? >> At least 30 seconds >> at least. And if they want further questions, I would tell them not until you come back from the second on-site. And I would tell talk to him individually because the 18-year-old can hear certain things that the 13-year-old can't can't metabolize. >> Okay. >> Okay. >> And teenagers are going to be filled with emotions and they're going to say things like, "How could you?" And you always told us not to and you're a liar and you're a hypocrite. And they're just saying teenage stuff and that's fine. >> Okay. >> They don't get a vote in this matter right now. >> Okay. Okay. Cuz it sounds to me like somebody who is really struggling emotionally and struggling physically. >> Yeah. >> Did what she did to survive. >> I did. >> And you're here. >> Mhm. >> And I would have if you'd come to me beforehand, I would have given you some other options. But you're here and you made it.

How hard is it being sober for the last 11 days? >> Oh, it actually has been a lot better than I thought it would be. Okay. I've I've kept super busy. Like right now we're in um I took the kids to New York City and we're seeing a Broadway show tonight. First time we've done that. >> So >> fantastic. >> Life is definitely better sober. >> It's amazing. >> Does your husband celebrate you? Does he love you? >> He does. He loves me very well. >> Okay. >> Will you make sure he knows that? >> My life. Yeah. I I I do. I I do. I Our relationship is is great. Um >> I do. I tell him every night how thankful I am and and he also tells me that I'm not a burden and and that he I mean that he would give me up to half his kingdom. He's probably giving me all of it. >> Well, and so here's here's the deal. I I told this to a previous caller. One of the greatest gifts of a spouse who sees us and knows us is in those moments when we can't see or know ourselves, when we feel things that aren't necessarily accurate, >> okay, >> we trust them. And when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job around the house and my wife grabs my face and she says, "I'm so glad that I chose you." >> Okay. >> I I exhale and go, "I don't feel it, but I trust you." >> And sometimes that's the gas I need to go do the next right thing. When you get back from on-site, I want you to send a note into the show and Kelly will get it to me. And um I want you to let me know how you how you're doing and how things are going. I'm really honored to talk to you today. Thank you so much. We'll be right back.

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Let's go out to Fort Worth, Texas, where Kelly was born and raised. Not really born there. >> No, but raised. I was three months old when we moved there. So, >> I count it. Let's go talk to Steve. What's up, Steve? >> Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing today? >> I'm good, brother. How are you, man? >> Uh, I'm pretty good. It's a busting to get to talk to you today. And, uh, my wife and I are excited to see you Thursday night. We're coming to the Ramsey event. >> Very cool, man. Glad you'll be here, dude. That's awesome. >> Yep. >> So, what's up? So, um, well, so here's what's going on. Uh, my wife and I are moving our family from Texas to Maine to be closer to her family and her support system. >> But hold on. You can't leave the state of Texas. >> I trust me, I know. >> Oh, no. Is that what this call's about? >> Yeah, that's pretty much what this about. Yeah. So, ultimately, I don't want to make the move to Maine for a few reasons. However, I know that's what's best for her and uh it's happening and there's nothing I can do to change it. So, how do I keep resentment from building and uh getting to a place of peace about it? >> Um, I I think first stop saying there's nothing you can do about it. And I would say be a grown man and just say, "I didn't want to do this, but I chose to do this because it was right for her. It's right for our family. It's right for whatever. I'm a willing participant in this. I chose to. I didn't want to, but I am. This was the next right thing for us, and I'm going to go make the best of it. Okay. >> I mean, does that make sense? Because because here's the deal. Going and being mad about it and going and dragging like, I didn't want to do this. Here's what you'll see. You'll see every You'll see a gas price. You'll see uh the state income tax. You'll see everything. And it will all be her fault. And you made a grown-up choice and you win. You You get what I'm saying, >> right? >> You can climb the fence. You can try to stay in Texas. You can go there and be just a whiny brat the whole time. Or you can just say, "All right, I'm going to make the best of this situation. Be the best freaking husband I can be. Find things about Maine that are awesome and go all in." I I really don't know another alternative. Do you? >> No. That's kind of That's kind of where I'm at. And you know, deep down that's just I know what's the right thing to do. >> Why is it Why is it the right thing? >> Why is it the right thing? Uh, so I'm an airline pilot, so I'm gone half the week and we just don't really have a support system down where we are in Texas. And so it's hard with two young kids for her to manage that and a household. And we've had some health issues. She's had some health issues this year with a tumor. And so just being closer to family and um friends and having community while I'm gone on trips is just going to be a huge advantage for her and our family. So, can I just applaud you for being a great husband? >> Yeah. >> And as a guy who like my dude, I was I think 39 or 40 when I moved out of Texas and my dad sat me down. My dad, the old homicide detective, like Texas cop sat me down and basically told me that al-Qaeda was waiting for me at the Arkansas border. Like, if you leave Texas, son, right, no coming. Right. And I get that, man. It's part of the culture there. Were you born and raised in Texas or are you a transplant? >> Born and raised. >> Okay. Born and raised forever. >> I don't I I'm sure this exists. I don't know. My friends from North Dakota. I've never heard him be like, "Dude, you can't leave North Dakota, man." Like, I've never heard that. It seems to be very Texas. Or I've heard it in New York and New Jersey, too. But very centric to very very particular communities. It is a it is a cultural thing. But um I'll tell you this, my family, my wife and I, and our kids absolutely love Tennessee. We never had we had never lived here ever and it's been amazing for us. It's different. And can I also tell you this? Over the the the Christmas holiday that we just ended, my son and I flew back to Texas and we started in far far west Texas, like a few miles from the New Mexico border and we had a hunting adventure all across the state with different friends at different ranches with different buddies of mine over the years and it was amazing. We spent a week there just the two of So you can go back, you can go visit. Um, but it sounds like you made the next right hard move for you, dude. And now it's just about you choosing to put on a set of glasses that this is going to be the best thing ever for us and we're going to go figure it out, >> right? What does that look like practically? >> I mean, it's it's a lot of sacrifices on my end, which is >> All right. What does that mean? Cuz that sounds dramatic. What does that mean? >> Well, so there's not a there's not a base for me in Maine. So that would entail me commuting down to Baltimore, which is adding in a day to every trip that I'm gone, which is 52 days a year that I'm gone more and not getting paid for. >> Okay. So that's not dramatic. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That is >> it is. >> Yeah. >> Um and my my family is in Texas. My parents are older and I've got a stepson from another marriage that I'm, you know, I'm still raising and it's um so I'm leaving a lot behind. >> Okay, that's super valid. And um that's not dramatic at all. Those are all real losses. That's real stuff. So is there a way that you could bracket this and say we're going to give this a go for 24 months, >> for 12 months? Yeah. Yeah. No, that's and that's kind of where I'm at is like, you know, I was like, "Hey, let's let's give this a try." And um cuz I've I've thrown out other compromises that weren't great options, but they were compromises. And so that's kind of the last my last compromises like, "Okay, let's give it some time and then we let's revisit if if it's not working after 2 3 years or when our son is five, like >> before he starts school, let's revisit it." I love that. The only way that works though is if you try to go full I don't know what the Do you know what they call main people? Like I know they're like called Texans. >> Mayors, >> bro, go get a hat or whatever. Go be a full manor. Okay, >> all in. Go get lobster nets. Uh get fishing poles. Do the whole thing. >> Um and get like go all in with both feet. That way you don't leave anything left on the table. That way you in a year and in two years you can look at your wife and say, >> "I've gone all in. I I made friends here. I I did I went fishing. I took your kid out. You got the healthcare. Like we did everything and I'm dying. I'm dying cuz I'm I miss you for 50 more days now. I am need to be with my aging parents. I need to like fill in the blank. But at least give yourself the honor of going all in on this deal, >> right? >> Is that fair? >> Very fair. >> So, what does it look like to stay connected with your stepson? >> Uh, it would just be making the effort to go to Texas to see him and flying him up to Maine. >> How old? >> He's 11. >> 11. Can I challenge you to start a weekly letter writing with him so he gets something in the mail? Yeah, that's a great idea. >> Like whether it's something funny, whether it's pictures, whether it is a silly thing you picked up on one of your travels. Even if you make it a priority, like I'm going to get him a small little knick-knackie trinkety garbage trashy thing. I don't know, something on your trips and >> I'm I'm going to stay connected to him. Not just in these big what I would call firework moments like get on a plane and come to Maine and that kind of stuff, but in these little bitty every week he's going to run to the mailbox and have a letter in the mail. That'd be awesome. >> Yeah. No, that would be that'd mean a lot to him. >> And if you put a self-address stamped envelope in there, and I sound like I'm from the 1400s now, but if you put an envelope with a stamp on it that he could write you back, draw you a picture, show you something cool. Um, man, what a blessing that would be. That'd be rad, dude. >> Oh, that'd be a lot of fun, actually. >> Yeah. But but and and yeah, to be honest, you would love going to the mill, too. >> Absolutely. >> You know what I mean? And so, um I'm thinking of like writing a story and he gets to write the next paragraph and send it back to you, and you write the next chapter and send it back to him. I'm thinking of you doing half of a cross word puzzle or a word search puzzle and sending him the other half, and he has to send it back completed. I'm thinking of all kind of just random fun things y'all could do to stay connected that way, but have those little daily magic moments of, "Oh, dude, there's something in the mailbox for me." >> Yeah. >> Going to be cool. And this transition is going to be tough. It will be. And you're leaving a lot behind. You're going to be sitting in airports and then you're going to get to choose what kind of attitude am I going to walk in my front door with? And so you can try to knock this thing out. You can try to go all in and be a mayor. Um, or you can keep a foot and a half back in Texas and be a a complainer. Dude, I'm like a rapper today, dude. I'm feeling like some a manor or a complainer. Dude, that we're booking that, Ben. That's going to be like a a new song of ours for our band. Um, but dude, I'm proud of you, man, for doing the right hard thing for your wife. And it's going to cost you time. It's going to cost you being stuck in hotels and airports. It's going to cost you some interactions with a stepson. It's going to it's going to come at a cost. But no hard transition doesn't have costs. And so then it just is a matter of am I going to go try to knock this thing out or am I going to run from it? And so I'm proud of you, brother. Go make it happen. Thanks for the call, dude.

When we come back, a woman asks how to deal with the guilt of not wanting to be a stayathome mom. We'll be right back. I'm always joking, but also telling the truth about how much I hate being online, but the truth is I'm everywhere online. I'm on podcast, social media, YouTube, and because of that, my personal information is all over the internets. That's why I joined Delete Me. But just because you're not a podcaster doesn't mean your information isn't also all over the internet. It is. Everyone's information is everywhere. Your phone number, your home address, even old email accounts. It's all out there on data broker websites that buy and sell your personal information to the highest bidder. To do what? We don't even know. I don't want to worry about scammers having personal details about me and my family, and I know you don't either. Delete Me scans hundreds of data broker sites, finds your personal information, and removes it for you. And then they keep checking for you month after month to make sure it's gone. Clean up the digital clutter and take back the parts of your life that you never gave permission to be shared. Go to jointdeiteme.com/deloney for 20% off an annual plan. That's join ji n jointdeleteme.com/deloney.

All right, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Let's talk to Elizabeth. What's up, Elizabeth? How we doing? >> I'm good. How are you doing? >> Doing great. Doing good. Good. Good. Good. What's up? >> Yeah. So, um I am a stay-at-home mom. Um, I have a 17-month-old son and I don't want to be a stay-at-home mom and I feel very guilty for that. Um, and I don't know how to deal with that guilt. >> Oo mean. Is this your first kid? >> Yeah. >> How old are you? >> Um, I'm in my early 30s. >> Early 30s. All right. So, did you always think that you wanted to be a stay-at-home mom? No, no, no. >> I thought I would always have a career. >> So, tell me about this. Why why decide to be a stay at home mom for almost two years now? >> Yeah. So, I didn't really decide. Um I I was working up until my maternity leave. Um and then right before my maternity leave, um I was told that my job was going to be cut. Um, so I didn't have a job and then I started looking for a job, but um I had trouble um getting interviews and um uh getting any offers. So um yeah, I'm just right now I'm a stay at home mom and um I'm looking for work, but um yeah, I I feel guilt I feel guilty for it. What is it that work provides for you when it comes to purpose? Because I'm guessing financially y'all are making it, right? Are you married? >> Yeah, I am. Yeah, we're doing okay. >> Okay. >> Um, financially. >> So, so what is what does work give you in terms of purpose that you don't have right now? Um, that's a good question. I I think it's I think I'm seeking some kind of value. >> Yeah, that's that's what I was hearing. >> Yeah. And so my my 30,000 foot question is why do you think being a stay at home mom doesn't bring value? times >> or what what is it about going to work every day and making somebody else very wealthy for pennies on their dollar that makes you feel super valuable? >> Yeah. Um, I don't know. I I'm not sure. >> So, I think that you can do whatever you want to do. Mhm. >> And I think that anybody that throws value judgments at you one way or the other is trying to fill a gap in their own spirit. >> Yeah. >> And there's millions and millions of people, women who have to work. They have to financially. There's millions who want to work. >> My concern, and again, I I can be wrong way out to lunch. What I'm hearing or what I think I'm hearing, let me put it that way, is you're you want to go to work to find something. And my fear on anybody who puts any exttrinsic solution to an intrinsic challenge >> out there when I get that car, when I get that house, when I get that job, when I get that paycheck, then I'm going to feel ah is they come up with a terrifying truth or terrifying reality which is wherever you go, you go with you. And what I hear from a lot of stay-at-home moms who wish they were somewhere else is I thought motherhood would feel different or I don't like my kid all the time >> or this is so boring or I'm super super lonely. >> Yeah. And so those all ring true >> work becomes a place where I have I don't have friends but I have insta instant adult communication right >> I have >> a series of things that I have to do that somebody else pats me on the head and says good job >> or needs improvement or whatever you know whatever it is or I get a direct deposit every two weeks that says you know what you've have this much value this month. And if you if you have a career, if you have a job, if you have a passion for a thing, if you want to be like have a mission and you want to go work, amazing. If you have to go work, amazing. But if you have that that centered discontent, my challenge to you would be find out what purpose means to you and ask yourself, >> would I be better served being forced a bunch of adult colleagues in cubicles? Or could I get involved locally? >> Do the hard, terrifying, awful job of getting friends in your 30s, which is the worst. >> Yeah, it is >> right. Can I find space two or three or four hours a day where I can go exercise? Where I can take care of myself? Where I can study for a new a new thing I'm interested in? I can learn a new trade and learn a new skill. Cuz it sounds like here here's the deal. It sounds like you're running from not running towards. >> Yeah, I think that's true. And by the way, um, I've coined the phrase the American industrial mom guilt complex. That's what you're in. >> By having a child in the United States, you're going to feel guilty. So, I would I would feel that, let it coarse through your veins, and then go do the next right thing for you as opposed to letting it paralyze you, hoping you'll do a thing that the guilt will go away. Because as soon as you go to work and you get that first call from the daycare center, you're going to feel guilty all over again. Or you're going to go to work and some mom is going to be like, "Well, you know, the data says and the data does say that. It's true, right?" And then you're going to feel guilty all. So chasing that is going to always like chasing the idea of not feeling guilty is a fool's errand. You're always going to feel guilty. >> Yes. So, it's just like, all right, that is. So, now let's just let's go on and do what's the next thing. So, what did you do career-wise before um you became a stay at home mom? >> Um I actually worked for um a nonprofit organization. >> Tell me about it. Yeah. So, um I worked with like volunteers and um I helped them find um purpose in volunteering with us. So, the volunteers I worked with um would go into um hospices and um would be friends with uh hospice patients. >> That's amazing. Thank you. >> Did you Did you like the hospice visits or did you like working with and prepping the volunteers? >> Um, I preferred the hospice visits um over prepping the ver over prepping the volunteers. So, how would you coach you if you came and sat down with you in your previous job and you said, "I'm looking for a purpose. I want to get involved. I want to do something." What would you tell you? I mean, there are a lot of ways to find purpose. >> Hey, >> the two words I keep hearing are you feel trapped and you feel lonely. Is that right? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I definitely feel like this will never end. Like I'll have to be a stay home mom forever. >> Okay. You're about I don't know six to nine months of for of that going away. >> You're like, "Oh, yeah, right." Um I I don't think anything's forever, but >> yeah, >> my challenge to you would be, could you go to this exact same organization and volunteer two days a week to go sit with hospice patients? >> Yeah, I could do that. Could you uncouple your self-worth from somebody's lousy paycheck for a season? >> Yeah, I think I could do that. >> How does your husband celebrate you? Um I mean, he tells me I'm doing a great job being a mom, but behavior is a language. How does he celebrate you with his actions? Um >> he'll help around the house. He'll do chores. Um >> so he he goes and works all day and provides enough for the family that y'all aren't starving, y'all are making it. And then he comes home and he's engaged and maybe clumsily, but he's engaged at home, too. I mean he is um he has a lot on his plate. Um but he he does help like with our son and then he will you know do some cleaning like free time on the weekends and and the evenings. >> Okay. If there are ways that he could know you and let you feel known, if there are specific ways he could celebrate you. And I'm thinking of an example. Hey, the first 10 minutes when you walk through the door, if you would have your phone away and right when you walk in the door, I want to catch you and I just want us to hug for 60 seconds. >> Yeah. >> I don't know what that means. I want us to put the kid in the stroller and let's just go for a walk around the neighborhood. We don't even have to say anything. I just want to be with you for a minute. >> Yeah. >> As clear and as direct as you could offer him a road map to I'm your wife and I'm not doing great right now. I'm lonely. I feel trapped. I feel like this season's never going to end. And also, I feel bad every time I just want our kid to quit screaming or every time I have to change the 14th diaper, I just want to throw it up against the wall. And then when I feel like that, then I feel bad for feeling like that. And then I feel empowered. I shouldn't feel bad about that. And it's just a loop-de-loop loop-de-loop all day. >> Does he know you're struggling? >> Yeah, he does. He's very aware. >> Okay. Yeah. >> But my challenge, if you want to go work, go work. Go keep applying and keep doing that. And if you feel guilty, I know that's that's just I I hate to say it's part of it, but it's part of it. >> But if you are trying to escape that emptiness inside your own chest, I want you to go talk to somebody. I want you to go volunteer for a couple of days a week. I want you to call a couple of moms and have them over to your messy house and just say, "Hey, every Tuesday and Thursday, my house, coffee." >> Yeah. >> Y'all bring the mugs. I'll bring I'll make the coffee. >> And it's not cool like it was in your 20s. And it's not like I I don't In college, we just did stuff, right? Right? In our 20s, we just did stuff. When we were working full-time, we just like are like, "Hey, you want to go grab drinks?" "Yeah, we go." Like that season is over because we have a kid now. But it can be a different kind of awesome. We just have to be intentional about it. Intentional about a rest, intentional about making that extra phone call, intentional about feeling when when all the moms in the neighborhood say we can't come over and you've gotten two rejection slips that day. not feeling like or feeling like, man, I'm a failure, but knowing I trust that guy and he says, I'm doing a good job. I'm going to keep leaning into that. And if that weight gets too heavy, I got to go talk to a counselor. But if you want to work and you feel power empowered and you feel passionate about doing a thing and man, go do it. Go knock your lights out. But if you want to get a go get a job because you want to run from something, I'm going to challenge you because you're going to end up going with you. And so ask yourself, what are the challenges that getting a job would solve for me? Loneliness, I can I can I can do that. Purpose, man, I had great purpose. Talking to volunteers about having purpose, right? Um I can find those things and double back on even faking it till you make it practicing owning value in being a stay at home mom for this season. And I promise you the season ends. I'm proud of you for making the call and man, my heart's with you. Take some time this evening to write these things down and make yourself a list and then try to go attack that list. And if it includes sending out resumes, keep sending out resumes. That's great. I'm really grateful for your call.

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All right, money in marriage question. Here we go. Um, these are anonymous questions that people leave at um the marriage retreat that I put on a couple times a year. What do you do if you love your spouse as a person, but you think of someone else all of the time? I don't Kelly, help me with this. I don't I'm assuming that if they ask the question that it's they're talking about thinking of them sexually or thinking of being with them or thinking of >> That's what I would think. I mean, that's what I took by reading it was that there's someone else that they're >> fantasizing about. >> You're fantasizing about sexual like you said sexually or just them and the person in general. Yeah, that's how I took it as well. >> So, I guess I need way more information. And here's a question again. What What do you do if you love your spouse as a person, but you think of someone else all of the time? Um, I would need way more information to answer this, but I'm just going to make up some additional information and try to give an answer here. Um, this sounds like a question of somebody who is bored to death in the life that they have co-created. And if you quote unquote love your spouse, but you're not acting your way into that love is a series of daily, minuteby minute, hour by hour, day by day choices that you make towards somebody. It's not this just feeling that you have. Um, it is this question sounds like somebody's allowing themsel to sit on the couch and watch Netflix take their life and watch the mundaness and the regularity and the humrumness of life roll on while they in their mind fantasize about somebody else. They imagine what life could be like with them in another situation, in another bedroom. And so my challenge would be if you love your spouse as a person, if you think they're a good person, they're a safe person. Take those things in your head that you are dreaming about would give you life, would inject life into your spirit, into your home, into your sex life, into your marriage, whatever, and direct that towards the person that you love sitting right next to you. And that might be with some really specific, "Hey, put your phone down. I don't want to work. I'm about to rock your world if you'll get off your stupid phone and come into the bedroom. It does like it's being specific. I need some help around here. I want some help around here. I want to rebuild our marriage from the floor up. But it's taking those things that you think are going to be different somewhere else and putting them into action in your own home. And here's what will happen. It will be met with gratitude and love and this desire to build a whole new marriage or it'll be met with abject rejection and you'll have the answers that you need. But so many of us just sit and let life pass us by and we live our lives up in our heads instead of just going to do the next right things. Love passionately. Make crazy love with each other. Go pick up the stupid towels. Clean your stuff off the bathroom. Get rid of those tiny little hairs in the sink. Those little things that clear the way for us to inject life into our own homes. So, that's me making up some stuff about this one. That's what I would do. That's what I would do. Thanks for the call. Love you guys. See you soon. Bye.