Transcription
Hey guys, welcome back to Embers and Ash. My name's Ashley, if you didn't know. And today, I'm talking to you guys about how to not hate your husband after you've had kids.
Full disclaimer, I stole this title from a book that is called the same thing. I also haven't read the book, but I saw the book and I thought, what a great idea. I want to share my experience with you guys of how I'm working at my marriage to prevent resentment build-up because it's very common after having children to have a lot more struggles in your marriage. I'll link the book in the description if you're interested. I'm probably going to buy it and read it because I think it's really important to get, um, even preventative knowledge. You don't have to wait till you have a problem to buy a book like that, you know?
So anyways, that being said, we're going to talk about how to prevent resentment in your marriage when you have a child because your relationship does change after children. All your focus isn't on your husband anymore. Most of it is redirected to a child, and that changes things. Okay, let's get into it.
The first thing I want to talk about is you need to talk about your struggles. I'm really basing this video off of a husband that goes to work and a wife who stays home with the kid because I feel like that is what creates a lot of divide because you don't really know what each other's going through compared to if both the husband and wife are at home. I feel like it's a different situation. So you need to talk about your struggles at home with your baby because you need to let your husband know what you're going through and so that he can understand your situation. Because if he doesn't know what's going on with you, he's gonna act in a way that isn't helpful. Like, if I'm having a hard day, I need to tell him about it so he knows what he's getting into when he comes home and he's not like putting more on my plate when I already have too much on my plate.
That being said, don't make it a guilt trip. You don't want to make your husband feel like he's forced into doing more because you've had such a bad day. Um, it's just really important to obviously communicate so there's no expectations on each other because you know what the situation already is. Like, on top of that, when you share your struggles that you've been having with your baby, it helps educate your husband on how to handle situations and what you're trying, trial and error. Because you spend so much more time with the baby, he doesn't get that hands-on experience. So if you can relay what you've been learning through struggles, that can help him a lot know what to do when he encounters those struggles. A lot of resentment builds up because women feel like they are more of a parent than the husband and that they do more and that they're the default parent. But if you can help educate your husband on how to handle situations, then he's more likely to take on those problems when they come up instead of it just defaulting onto you.
Next up is to let your husband figure things out on his own. I was really bad at this, and I think it's pretty common with women. Like, a lot of the time, women talk more about motherhood than men talk about fatherhood. There's something about being pregnant and needing to feel safe and prepared, so we do a lot more research into babies. And then on top of that, we spend way more time at home with our child if we're the stay-at-home mom. So we have tendencies, and I'm pretty sure it's not just me, to backseat drive or helicopter parent. I know that's not the right term, but when you're always looking over your husband's shoulder and monitoring how they're doing things with the baby and always giving them advice and fixing what they're doing, that can totally deteriorate your husband's confidence in being a dad, which is a recipe for disaster. If your husband doesn't feel confident in being a dad, then he's gonna take on less and less roles because he doesn't want to be constantly told that he's doing things wrong.
So little things like, I would be adjusting Rook's diaper after Josh would put it on, or getting a different burp cloth because Josh grabbed the wrong one. And it's not like I was doing it with bad intentions, but I needed to let Josh make the mistakes on his own because the mistakes really weren't that big of a deal. And then when he figures out how to fix them, he gains way more confidence in being a dad and he's more likely to be more involved with your child.
And along with that, the next tip is to give your advice. Because you obviously do have a lot more knowledge on your baby, again, it's because you're spending more time with your child. So give that advice, but not in the moment. Later on, when you're doing something else, mention, "Hey, I learned that you can put the diaper on this way. Maybe try it out." Don't put it as an attack on his mistake. Try and approach it like something you've learned and you're trying out so that it, it feels like you're kind of on the same level and they're gonna be way more receptive to that kind of advice rather than in the moment, um, pushing them out of the way and fixing things yourself.
Something else I think is really important for your relationship with your husband is that you leave the house without the baby. This can be hard when you're breastfeeding, like me, or exclusively breastfeeding because I have to be back within three hours for another feed. But we still try and make this happen because your husband is going to gain the most confidence about being a dad when he is alone with that child. There's no one to rely on for help. It's just him and the baby, and he has to figure it out. I find some husbands, when things can go in the direction of, um, trouble, they just pass the baby off to the mom because they know the mom can fix it. But if the mom's not there, then they have to figure it out themselves. And when they do figure it out, they're gonna feel so good about themselves and be so ready to handle those situations when you are home. So try and leave the house without your kids. It's also so important for your own mental health. Yeah, even if it's only for an hour, like whatever amount of time you can handle, just make sure you leave.
Something else that we are going through more in this phase of parenthood, as Rook is a bit older, he's not in that newborn phase, is that I have found I expect everything to be better when Josh comes home from work. And I think a lot of women have that mindset of, "I'm having a terrible day, but everything will be better when Josh gets home," or your husband gets home. And then your husband comes home and nothing changes. And that can be extremely frustrating. And you can kind of build up in the back of your mind that your husband isn't helping because you expected things to be better when they came home. And I've really been thinking about the reason why things aren't better when he comes home because you would think they would be. Seeing that it's an extra set of hands, but it's not like when Josh comes home, I can pass the baby off and then just relax. Right? There's still things that need to get done in the house. And our previous dynamic was, Josh loves cooking, so Josh would make dinner. But that would mean Josh would come home, shower, change, cook dinner, then we would clean up, and it was like Rook's bedtime. And that whole time, I'm still caring for Rook, even though Josh is home. Josh isn't doing nothing. He's still doing a lot for us and for the family, but my day hasn't changed because I've been looking after my child all day.
So what we've been doing to fix that is, and you guys know I've been learning to cook, even though I'm still just as busy making dinner, it's a completely different dynamic than watching the child. So when Josh comes home, he takes on the duty of watching Rook, and I can do household tasks like making dinner, like cleaning up. And it gives me that sense of relief because I'm not doing what I was doing all day. And you guys know as mothers, watching a child is a, all-encompassing task. And things like folding laundry and making dinner are just more relaxing. So with this switch of tasks, it does give me that sense of relief when Josh comes home, even though I'm still just as busy, if that makes sense. And it's also really nice because that means Josh gets more time with Rook, which means he gains more confidence in being a father. And obviously, it's just nice for them to hang out. Anyways, so it really is a win-win, and we've been really liking this new dynamic.
The next piece of advice I have for you guys ties into the last, and that is to give a grace period when your husband comes home from work. So I know there's a lot of, like, arguments online about who has a harder time, the stay-at-home mom or the working dad. And I don't think you can compare the two because they're hard in completely different ways. Like, yes, Josh has to get up at the same time every day, work his nine to five. That sucks. Like, it sucks waking up for work every day, and some days you just don't want to, but you have to. It's not fun answering to someone else, doing jobs you don't want to do. Like, I don't need to explain this anymore. Working a job sometimes isn't fun. And on the flip side, being a stay-at-home mom can be really hard. If your baby is not having a good day, you are having an awful day, and it's one of those things that takes everything from you. It's every second of your day, all your mental energy, all your physical energy. Like, it, it's so draining. But on the flip side, I can take a nap when Rook takes a nap. I can postpone tasks that I thought I would do that day. There are drawbacks and benefits to each job, right? As in my job and my husband's job. And I think it can be a really toxic mindset of, "My husband came home from work and he's not doing anything. Doesn't he know that I've been working my butt off all day with the kids?" Yes, you have been, but your husband has been working his butt off all day as well. So you can't expect him to come home and save the day. Again, with that mindset of expecting everything to be better when your husband comes home, if he's had a hard day at work, I don't expect him to be Dad of the Year. Like, sometimes he needs a break as well.
So all that being said, my advice is to give your husband a break period when he gets home from work. Just a time frame where he can unwind a little bit, whether it's a half hour, an hour. Josh usually doesn't need that long. He'll take a shower, get changed, that kind of thing. And he doesn't need that long because he desperately wants to play with Rook. Josh has a hard time because he feels like he doesn't get as much time with Rook as he wishes he could. And that's just because he works a nine to five. But either way, if Josh needed an evening without Rook, just to read a book and be in his own world, that's totally fine and valid. And if you put that expectation of your husband to come home and be Dad of the Year every day, you're gonna build up resentment because you're putting an expectation on him that he can't fulfill.
And this last one is just a little thing that I've noticed I do, and it's not out of hatred, but I just find it funny and frustrating, I think. And that is when my husband asks for help with things that I usually do on my own. Just little things like, "Hey, can you watch Rook while I make a meal?" or "Can you hold Rook while I fold some laundry?" And it's like, dude, I spend all day multitasking with Rook, figuring out ways to do things with him as opposed to passing him off. And I would sometimes just chuckle, like, "Okay, like I'll help, but you don't need my help." And really, it's unnecessary because if the other parent is there to help, why wouldn't you want help, right? It's obviously harder to do things with a kid. So if you can pass him off to get stuff done faster and more efficiently, you should. It's not like your husband is trying to avoid responsibility. And especially if he's never been alone with the child, he doesn't know how to do that multitasking. So again, you need to make sure that you're leaving the house and giving them that time alone so that he can grow his confidence in being alone with the child.
Okay, I think that's everything I have to talk about. I hope it was helpful. If you couldn't tell, a lot of the resentment that can be built up towards your husband is just because of your expectations and not living up to this idolized version of a father that you've created. So if you want to not hate your husband, you need to work on yourself and how you're handling situations. Also, I feel like I should mention that this is all assuming that you aren't married to a horrible person. You definitely can build resentment to someone who's terrible. So, so yeah, that's everything I have for you guys. I really hope that it helps you in your marriage and in your parenting life. Let me know in the comments if you have any other advice on just marriage and parenting and how to navigate that world. Thank you guys so much for watching, and I'll catch you in the next one. Bye.