Transcription
We now have this digital world that we can live our lives in as a distraction from the real world, and there's now more confusion than ever over what it is to be a man and the role of a man. You know, and then we look at the stats around suicidality, and I think in Europe, the biggest killer of men under the age of 45 is themselves. Currently, is the shifting idea of what it is to be a man having an impact on people's sense of self and their purpose? 100%. So, there's a crisis that's going on in men. And people think that this is new, but I don't think it's new. It's always been there. So, if you look at, like, you know, even 50, 60 years ago, 80% of suicides are still going to be men. So, historically, men have been killing themselves for like 100 years, and no one's been paying attention. We're just noticing now because the problem seems to be getting worse.
So, there's a couple of things that are really interesting to understand. So, one is that if we look at what technology is doing to our brains, the first thing that it's doing is it is externalizing our attention. So, if you look back, like, let's say, a thousand years ago, as human beings, we spent a lot more time with ourselves. So, let's say that you and I go out hunting, and then let's say you shoot an arrow at a deer and you miss, and then I shoot an arrow at a deer and I hit. So, in this moment, I'm superior to you. And then we pick up the deer and we're carrying it back, and then we have about two or three hours to take that emotional insult, and we kind of process it. We just give our mind space to process it, which it does automatically.
Now, if you look at what happens in people's days, they don't actually have any time to process what happens to them because we are so constantly distracted by external things. So, I, I don't know if if you're like this, but I was in this point where I was idiotically efficient. So, I would wake up in the morning and I would listen to a podcast while I'm like doing my exercise or whatever. And then even when I'm cooking, I'm listening to a lecture. And then like when I'm walking to the train, I have ear, uh, you know, earbuds in, and I'm listening to a lecture there. On the train, I'm reading. I wanted my life to be completely efficient. I didn't want to waste a single moment. I literally listen to the news in the shower. It's right. So, we don't want to waste time. And so, if you really think about it, where's the attention of your mind? Your mind is pointed outside of you.
And so, then what happens is once we do not pay attention to ourselves, we lose sight of our internal signals. Literally, in the same way that if you raise a child in a dark cave, the photo receptors in their eyes won't develop. They will atrophy. So, any anything that the mind does not get access to will start to atrophy. If I don't practice Spanish, I'm going to forget Spanish. The mind is a very brain is a very efficient organ. So, as we externalize our attention, we lose sight of our internal signals. We don't know who we are anymore. And now, if I don't know who I am, how do I figure out who I'm supposed to be? I pay attention to the outside. Where are the answers? They're on the outside. So, this person is talking about masculinity. This person is talking about what it means to be a man. This person is talking about what it means to be a man. And now, since I don't have any internal source of information, I'm trying to figure out what it means to be a man from the outside world.
And this is when men get truly [ __ ] because what it means to be a man, we're getting all kinds of mixed signals. So, on the one hand, it means being physically fit. On the other hand, it means being a provider. On one hand, it means having sex with as many women as you can find. On the other hand, it means having sex with, um, just one woman and being a really solid man and being a good father. And then there's also people telling us that being a man means that you're [ __ ] right? That you're toxic, that your testosterone level makes you violent, that you're evil, that you're privileged, that there's a patriarchy, all this kind of stuff. So, we're we're getting all this information from the outside about what it means to be a man.
And so, the other, like, there are all kinds of interesting ramifications of this. So, men in today's society are not allowed to complain. So, if you complain and you're a successful person or a privileged person, everyone is going to think you're arrogant. Everyone is going to think, "Oh my god, who's this [ __ ] guy? This guy doesn't know what my life is like. How does he have any right to complain?" And even your mind will tell you this. You'll look at these people and you'll be like, "Yeah, I don't have a right to complain."
But now, we need to stop for a second and think about what it does to your psychology when you, as a human being, are not allowed to articulate your suffering. I've worked with people who have grown up in abusive households where children will say to their parents, "Mommy, daddy, I'm hurting." And the parent smacks them across the face, "How dare you? You're so lucky. You don't realize the sacrifices I make for you." It's traumatizing to the child when they say, "I am suffering and no one listens." This is what we're doing to the generation of men. People are saying, "I am suffering." For a hundred years, men have been killing themselves. 80% of suicides are men. The most dangerous thing for a man under 45 is themselves. And these people have been literally killing themselves because no one has been listening to them.
So, in the same way that you grow up with a as a child in a household that's abusive where no one takes you seriously, no one listens to your suffering, and now we even have successful men who are not allowed to complain. So, the psychological impact is the same. Anytime you have a human being who is suffering in some way and they cannot find connection with another human being, they cannot find compassion with another human being, that person is going to feel isolated.
And if you look at the statistics on suicide, it's very interesting. So, the number one thing that correlates with male suicide is not depression. And this is super scary. There's one study I saw recently that suggests that 50% of men who kill themselves have no history or evidence of mental illness. And this, I, I believe the statistic in my clinical practice because I know what depression looks like. I know what bipolar disorder looks like. And half the men that I've worked with, at least, are not actually mentally ill. See, mental illness means a pathology of the mind, which means that the mind is malfunctioning. Most of the suicidal men that I work with, they're not ma their mind isn't malfunctioning. They genuinely have a life that is no longer worth living. They're looking at things and objectively realizing that there's no way out of this situation. So, they turn to suicide. So, I know it's kind of like a very controversial statement, but I think that's what my clinical practice has shown, and there's some research to even back that up.
So, if we sort of look at what's going on with men, we're sort of they have nowhere to turn to. And the number one thing that correlates with it is not mental illness, but is a sense of thwarted belongingness. So, this is kind of like fact, uh, multivariate regression analysis. But basically, what happens is what causes people to kill themselves is they try to connect with others and they get rejected. So, it's specifically a very specific research term called thwarted belongingness. So, I try to belong to a group, and that group, or multiple groups, usually will will thwart my attempts to join the tribe, to join the community. And this is what actually correlates a lot with suicidality.
So, what's going on with men right now is that we really don't allow them to suffer, you know, because then you're not manly, and we're so externalized with our attention that we're not connecting with ourselves, and so we're looking to other people to tell us what it means to be a man. But that may or may not work for you, right? That may have been what worked for them. So, then we kind of get into this problem where we're disconnected from ourselves, and then, like, the world doesn't accept us, we're not allowed to suffer, and that's what creates the problem.
What is the remedy to this? So, I think the first thing is we must reconnect with ourselves, right? So, when you're kind of saying like, why do does everyone think, "Oh, I, I need to like achieve this, I need to make this money," and things like that. Where did you learn that you should do all that? You learned all that from the outside. Instagram. Instagram. Right. So, we get we get fed all of these ideas because if you look at all these influencers, what are they doing? They're never crying. They're smiling. Some of them will even pay very attractive women to take pictures with them. Well, some of them are crying, but they're crying and uploading it for ulterior motives. Right? Absolutely. And I think a lot of them are genuinely suffering too.
But then it's it's also like, I mean, there's all kinds of weird stuff going on. So, one thing is like people say that men, men, we don't allow men to be emotional nowadays, but because people say, "Oh, men are allowed to cry." So, this is something that I experience even in my marriage where we allow men to cry, but we don't allow men to be angry. But why is it men no longer allowed to be angry? Just think about it for a second. So, anger is just a completely normal emotion. Right? But if I'm in a situation where I'm in an argument with my wife, and I feel emotion A, and I express emotion A, and she feels emotion B, and she expresses emotion B, these two things should be equal, right? We as both human beings get to express what we feel.
Now, in the case of me expressing anger and her expressing sadness, she's crying, and I'm yelling. Suddenly, I become a villain. It's so interesting. I saw a viral tweet yesterday. It was someone googling, "My wife is yelling at me, what should I do?" And then, "My husband is yelling at me, what should I do?" When they Googled, "My husband is yelling at me, what should I do?" Domestic violence helpline comes up as like a Google, um, popup. When you Google, "My wife is yelling at me, what should I do?" Nothing comes up. Yeah. Because obviously, as you said, in the case of villainization, I know that most domestic violence comes from men, but it's it's interesting that we see the emot we interpret the emotions entirely differently because of that. Absolutely right.
So, we as a society will say, like, "Oh, men, men need to be in touch with their emotions, but not anger." And then this is what really screws men because as men, we are socialized and conditioned to only feel anger. This is the only emotion you're allowed to feel as a man growing up. And this is the one emotion that gets demonized when you're older. So, I'll give you a simple example. So, like, I used to get bullied a lot, right? So, when I get bullied in school, like, what am I supposed to do, Stephen? In school? Well, it depends if you can fight back. Absolutely right. It's fighting back. Like, you didn't say talk to the teacher. You didn't say ask for help. You didn't say cry about it because if I cry about it, what's going to happen, Stephen? You're going to get bullied more. Absolutely.
So, we turn every emotion. So, men experience anger as something called an umbrella emotion. We literally suppress and are conditioned to suppress all other emotions except for anger. And then if you talk to men about their experience of life, anger is always the first thing that comes out of their mouth. Someone breaks up with you, how do you feel about it? Do you feel ashamed? No, that's not what we say. I feel pissed off. How could she do this to me? And then we vent that anger on the internet, and then this turns into misogyny, right? And then we get demonized for it. And it's not that there isn't, we should be harshly judged if we act on those kinds of emotions. I'm not saying that that's the case. But what we also need to consider is that the men who are saying these kinds of toxic things are saying that for a reason. This is because of their upbringing. This is because of the world that they lived in. Right?
So, we're conditioned to only experience anger. Even sadness gets turned into anger. Shame gets turned into anger. Fear gets turned into anger. Right? So, if I'm afraid of something happening, what do I need? I need to man up. Get angry, right? Like, let's go, son. Let's go. This is the emotion that we tap into to overcome fear. So, we don't feel any of those other emotions, and we're left only feeling anger. At the very heart of aggression, um, I heard someone say to me once that at the very heart of aggression is some kind of insecurity. But for men, when they encounter that insecurity, they only know how to sort of manifest it as aggression.
So, I wouldn't agree with the first thing that at the heart of all anger is insecurity. But I would absolutely agree with the second thing that the way that we, the only way we know how to respond is with anger. Because here's the exact quote. I just found it. "The source of aggression is insecurity. As we are unconsciously aware that our position in life is never secure, people feel increasingly insecure and helpless. So, they will be increasingly aggressive and confrontational at a personal and a social level."
So, let's tunnel down into that for a second. Okay. So, I think that that is true on some level, but also I would disagree. So, the first thing is that we have parts of our brain, even animals feel anger. But I think that like when two dogs are fighting over territory, I don't think that that's born of some kind of identity of insecurity, right? So, if we really look at, like, the evolutionary purpose of anger, this is my opinion, is that anger is the emotion that we feel to protect our territory. It's a protective emotion. So, if I slap you across the face, what's the first thing that you're going to feel? It's going to be anger. So, if I insult you, you're going to feel angry. It, it's fascinating the way that it works. So, anger causes our thoughts to be faster. Anger causes our peripheral vision to collapse to 30 degrees. So, I only see what's in front of me. And it also makes me less, uh, sensitive to pain. So, like, my nose receptors will actually, like, start to be suppressed when I feel angry, right? So, if I get into a fight, I'm going to feel it tomorrow, but like, while I'm getting hit, I'm not going to feel it. So, I don't think it's born of all insecurity. I think anger is simply an evolutionary response. It, it's, it's something that we experience to protect ourselves. That's why we feel angry, right? So, if I attack baby bear, mama bear is going to come out angry. So, it's, it's really a protective emotion.
Now, I agree with the second part of the statement 100% that when we feel insecure, especially as men, the only way we are taught to deal with our problems is through anger, right? So, if I'm feeling insecure, if I'm feeling ashamed of myself, if someone's bullying me, what do I do? I put them in their place, right? I don't try to make peace. I don't complain to someone because no one's going to take me seriously, right? I have to stand up for myself.
So, we've got the first point there about how we remedy this challenge, which is about self-expression. More self-expression. That's what I heard. Not self-expression, introspection. Introspection, getting to know ourselves, right? So, so it's very simple. So, if you look at your idea of what it means to be a man, what percentage of that idea comes outside of you, and what percentage of that idea comes from within you? About 90% comes from outside of me. And that's why 90% of people, we're 90% [ __ ] Right? So, and if you look, and I'm sure you know this, and you've probably done this, too. If you look at where is the goodness in your life, where does it come from, Stephen? It doesn't come from what other people have told you. They may have told you something, but then you looked within yourself, and then you found that to be true. Yeah. The goodness in you, the motivation, the really good motivation in you, not chasing things, but the the duty that you have, you know, everything that you really strive for, all that good stuff comes from inside you. And the problem is that we live in a world that pulls our attention away from ourselves.
What do you think of Andrew Tatism then? So, as a general rule, I don't comment on people that I don't speak to. Mhm. So, what, what, tell me the features of what you're talking about. Okay. So, the recent wave of internet masculine influencers who have like Bugattis and lots of women and sports cars, and there's there's many of them. There's many of them, and they seem to be resonant for some kind of reason, um, that are kind of saying that the way to become be a man is to have loads of money, lots of women, these kind of cars, physical strength, and there's just this huge sort of generation of young, typically men, that are now disciples of that religion. Yeah.
So, I think if you dislike that toxic masculinity, what we need to understand is it's the people who hate that toxic masculinity that are driving these people towards it. So, I know this is kind of crazy. So, what's happened is this has grown, right? And as it's grown, what have we done? We've demonized these people. We've said these people are bad. And as we demonize them, what's happened? They've grown stronger. So, this is something that's very important to understand.
If you are a man and you say, "I am suffering today." What is the response that you're going to get? Shut up. Absolutely. Not in those exact words, but that's whatever the words are, that's what they mean. Now, I want us to be very, very careful, right? So, if you're listening to Steven say people tell you to shut up, and your first thought as a listener is, "No, that's not true." That's the problem. So, e if people agree with you, they understand what you're saying. But if they disagree with you, that's the problem. You. We literally have a man who is telling telling us right now that your experiences when I say I'm suffering, people tell you to shut up. And then people are going to be judging you for saying that and they're going to be saying, "No, that's not true." They're going to be saying, "Shut up." Absolutely. Right. So, this is exactly the problem.
So, men are struggling right now, and that the rest of the world says, "No, you're not. You're privileged. You're a man. There's a patriarchy." And I'm not commenting on the sociology of it. There is a patriarchy. Whatever. Men have many advantages in life. I've experienced many advantages of being a man. It's absolutely true. I'm not, let's not go there. I'm talking about the individual experience of men. So, there is one group of people on the planet who says, "Yes, your life does suck." And that's these toxic masculine people. They're the only people that truly validate men's experiences. Cuz everyone else says, "Why are you complaining?" And these guys say, "Yeah, you're a [ __ ] loser. What are you going to do about it?" They at least meet you where you're at, and they say, "Yes, your life is hard, and I will show you a way to make it better." Whereas the rest of the world says, "No, your life isn't hard. What are you complaining about?"
And I've seen this as a doctor. I've seen patients who are complaining about pain. Women who are complaining about pain because they have an internal bleed within the wall of their uterus that cannot get detected. And they're saying, "I'm hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting." And we ignore this person's pain. And that's when things go bad. So, for years and years and years, we have ignored the struggles of men. And there's one group on the planet who accepts them with open arms. And the more that we demonize them, so when someone starts believing in this toxic masculinity, what is the response? Do people ever ask, like, "Help me understand what your life is like?" Like, "What do you like about this person?" Because everyone's going to them for a reason, but we never, we never bother to ask, "Why are you listening to this person? What does this mean to you?"
I see these, we see these posts all the time in our community. "My boyfriend is getting into this stuff. My son is getting this stuff. How do I stop it?" Hold on a second. Don't try to stop it. Understand it first. Because everyone's trying to stop it, and no one is bothering to listen to what the experience of these men men are. And that's why it's getting worse and worse and worse as we try to stop it.
So, if I'm the mother of a son who is watching a lot of these sort of toxic male influences online, what would be a better approach versus just banning the computer and telling them that that's toxic and not to look at it? Help me understand what you like about this? What is it like to be a man in today's day and age? How do you feel about yourself? How does it feel knowing that 70 to 80% of women want you to make more money than them? And yet 60% of people who graduate from college are women. So, men are faced or living in a world today where there are impossible expectations to meet. And so, like, what is it like to be someone who fundamentally has no chance at success? Right? These are the kinds of things that you need to say to these people. You need to give them an alternate place to go where they can be heard and helped, supported, and understood.
See, anytime we make a judgment, our mind already has a conclusion. There's nothing left to learn. Anytime we're judgmental. So, what do we, what do we do to all these people who are toxic men? We even create the word toxic. We literally label them as bad in some way. And I'm not saying that the behavior isn't toxic. But what I'm pointing, or what I'm trying to point out, is that even in our language, there is so much harsh judgment. So, I once had a patient, we both just did it, didn't we? Absolutely. So, I once had a patient who is smearing feces all over the school. So, adolescent kid, right? And when you have a kid who's literally taking a [ __ ] and wiping it on the walls and stuff, what happens? The kid gets punished. Kid gets punished again and again and again. The one really sad thing is no one ever asks, "Why are you doing this? What's going on inside you?" Because healthy kids don't do this. It's only kids who have been traumatized in some way.
And as I've worked with incels, as I've worked with people who are toxically masculine, it always starts with trauma. And when I say always, this is a clinical experience, but I'm talking about 100%. So, 100% of people start on this path by getting hurt in some way, by getting taken advantage of in some way, by sacrificing something and not getting something in return. And they have their share of responsibility, too. I'm not saying that they're helpless victims, but I think that people who are raised with love and compassion and do have connections don't go down this road.
You're so passionate about this, aren't you? Because I feel like your eyes have seen in your practice some pretty heartbreaking things. Yeah. I mean, I think it's like, see, unless we are willing to be what these people need, they're going to continue going down the toxic masculinity route. Someone needs to start offering these people safe haven, no matter what they say or not, no matter, I think there should be consequences for actions, but so this is as someone who's worked in a jail, right? And this is what's kind of interesting if you really think about it. People will judge me for talking to or even trying to support people who are toxically masculine, and they're like, "Oh my god, you're such an [ __ ], you're giving these people a platform. How could you make the world a worse place?" And then I tell them, "I worked for in a jail for 3 months," and they're like, "Oh, look at you. You're so compassionate. You're working with these people who are like criminals." And like, "Oh my god, we, I don't think they realize that anyone you see on social media is 10 times better than the people that I worked with in jail. These are people who are actual pedophiles, actual rapists, right? Not just talking about it. Maybe the people on social media are too. I don't know."
And so, it's really interesting the way that our mind automatically judges things. And so, if we really want to fix this problem, and I think we need to fix this problem, I, it's just my take. I mean, I'm, I'm not a, you know, I'm a big fan of like compassion and trying to support other human beings. I'm not saying that that's always the right answer. I think sometimes you may need things like war or violence or whatever. I mean, there may be causes for it, but generally speaking, I think that like demonizing these people isn't working.
If you love the D CEO brand and you watch this channel, please do me a huge favor. Become part of the 15% of the viewers on this channel that have hit the subscribe button. It helps us tremendously, and the bigger the channel gets, the bigger the guests.