Transcription
If you're anything like me, you love being watched. Whether it's getting changed in front of an open window, cutting my toenails on Twitch, or slurping lane on the gram. But while a little tasteful voyerism revs my engines these days, being watched has gotten out of control.
There are 85 million surveillance cameras now across the country. Tens of thousands of cameras tracking cars, including yours. Nearly 80% of Americans own some sort of home security camera, including tens of millions of Ring cameras everywhere, from hotels and rental homes to cruise ship and airplane bathrooms.
WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING? I'VE never sat next to an airplane bathroom and thought, "Ooh, I really need to see what's going on in there." So, like it or not, we're now being recorded everywhere all the time. It's gotten so bad, I can't even bury a dog in my neighbor's yard without them sending THE VIDEO TO THE POLICE. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, CREEPS.
But this goes beyond ring cameras and license plate readers. Now, we've managed to make surveillance fun and trendy. Kylie Jenner has partnered with Meta to launch a new line of smart glasses aimed at fashionforward consumers. The new sleek design combines AI features with a built-in camera that captures photos and videos. Oh, you go, Kylie Jenner. Collecting data and serving. Finally, a pair of glasses for fashion forward perverts. It's time to RISE OUT OF THE BUSHES AND JERK OFF ON THE RUNWAY. YOU'VE EARNED IT, QUEENS.
But of course, in real life, models aren't the one wearing these glasses. It's creeps like this. A growing number of women are finding images of themselves posted on social media that they say were taken without their knowledge. People approaching other people on the street. "I thought you were kind of cute. Do you have a boyfriend?" It was just jarring to know that I was speaking with somebody, looking them in the eyes, and had no idea that they were recording me.
The man who posted the video is a content creator from Long Island who calls himself Johnny Jester Max. What is the world coming to when you can't even trust a guy named Johnny Jester Max? Next, you're going to tell ME I CAN'T TRUST MY PAL MARCUS MOLESTER MAX. COME ON. WE'VE GOT TICKETS TO SEE THE ODYSSEY NEXT WEEK. And he's a whiz with that popcorn trick. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS GENERATION? THEY CAN'T EVEN be perverts without trying to go viral. Check it out, fam. I'm the Jimothy of creeping out women.
But it's not just the strangers out there on the street. We're even stalking our own families. Many of these young adults are also tracking their parents. Teens check their family's location more than adults. Some will text the parents when they see they are stopping for Starbucks and say, "Hey, grab me a Frappuccino, too." Or some are pulling up to date night to join their parents out for dinner. This is called fan bushing. WHAT THE IS FAN BUSHING? There is nothing heartwarming ABOUT KIDS SHOWING UP TO BLOCK THEIR PARENTS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, leave them alone. They're just trying to bone one more TIME BEFORE THE DIVORCE papers are signed.
This would have never been okay when I was a kid. If I did this to my parents, they would have locked up MY OVALTINE. AND NO ONE, I MEAN, NO ONE WITH MY OVALTINE. SO, at this point, our privacy is essentially dead. But that won't stop some people from fighting back.
These are all examples of what's called adversarial fashion. Clothing and accessories designed to trick facial recognition software into mislabeling a person as something else, like a giraffe or a zebra. Oh, JESUS CHRIST. NO, I'm not wearing that. I'D RATHER YOU JUST STICK A CAMERA UP MY ass than walk around looking like Bob Marley the roar shack test. Imagine wearing a shirt SO UGLY EVEN AI is like nah I don't know that person.
But look, it's clear that this is a losing battle. So, if I'm going to give my last shreds of privacy away, I might as well look good doing it. I got Unbelievable. I am now blind. JORDAN LE, EVERYONE.