Transcription
[Music] All right, let's go out to Celisa in Austin, Texas. What's up, Celisa?
Hello, how are you, Parian?
What are you up to? Trying to deal with the teen years.
Good luck with that. All the help I can get.
Yeah, good, good luck. I was about to call you and, yeah, I'm day by day trying to figure this out. Um, I value your advice a lot, and so I'm hoping, um, you can give me some helpful tips here. It's something we've kind of been, um, dealing with for a few years now. Um, so basically, my question in a nutshell, and I can dive in, but, um, my question is, how do my husband and I help to encourage and support our 16-year-old son while he's struggling, kind of on a day-to-day basis, with a few different dynamics? Um, I'll dive into a few of those. Um, he's recently kind of lost his best friend and group of friends. Uh, he's struggling a lot to be at school and be in that environment. He really doesn't have much of a relationship with his biological father, and so that's been coming up a lot lately in the last probably two years. And then, you know, my husband and I, now his stepfather, were trying to kind of create a space where he can process all of these things that are kind of going on in his life while kind of teaching him to have some type of purpose and not go down these negative, um, paths while he's processing and dealing with all this. So that's a lot to unpack, um, but curious on any advice there on all of this.
Yeah, I got a lot of thoughts here. This, I mean, this is, this is, um, I have a, a 14-year-old, and I've, I mean, this has been my career, working with, um, these folks. And so, um, why did, why did his, why did he lose his best friend and his gang? What happened?
Um, basically, there was some drama that, um, happened last year in school where somebody created a rumor about my son and his girlfriend, and it really stirred up a lot of drama with his friend group, and they kind of all didn't want to have anything to do with it. So they took off and really haven't come back around, and his best friend ended up kind of choosing that side instead of him.
Okay, so it's been tricky and I think really hurtful for him. And there was, um, I, I find 14, 15, 16, 17, 18-year-olds pounce on rumors and pounce on, um, like big, like big, like William Wallace statements. Yeah, but when those things are found to be untrue, they circle back real fast.
So is there any truth at all to this?
No, no, there was no truth, and I think it was created probably in jealousy, um, but nobody's really come back around. And I think my son has really kind of just internalized and not really decided to put himself out there again, um, you know, whether it's making new friends or talking to other people or reaching back out. I think he really is just, I think he's hurting about it, but he's not really willing to do much about it at this point. And I think we've kind of pushed him to think about, hey, there are other, you know, kids' clubs or groups or church groups or things that you could maybe be a part of where you have the opportunity to meet other people. Um, and this is kind of where I think my husband and I struggle is what we think is maybe the helpful solution, he's just not ready for yet. And so there's been really no action on his part.
I got one more question for you. Tell me about this. You're helping him find his purpose and process this. What does that look like?
Yeah, so I think, um, kind of how we've been approaching that is, one, we have started him in counseling, and he's been on and off with that for a little bit. And we just recently, um, my husband and myself and our son have been going together to kind of work through some of this. And then the other piece of the processing piece, I think, is just having really like open communication with him and feeling like, hey, if there's anything you want to talk about, or if there's books you want to read, or any way we can help you dive into the emotions you're having, we're here. But that's kind of where my question comes in is, I don't want to feel like we're overpushing to the point where he kind of, uh, pulls more away. And so, you know, maybe we're just totally missing some areas that we could really help him. And that's where.
I appreciate your care there. And I, here's what I want you to know without a doubt, you are following the playbook perfectly. And I think if we were to look at 18 to 24-year-olds, 18 to 25-year-olds, we have to be honest that the playbook doesn't work. Because here's what you've done. You have a son who went through something. I'm going to be honest with you. I've worked with young people my whole life, with teenagers and college students, high school kids and college students. It's very rare that someone creates a myth with no truth to it, and every friend burns him to the ground. Sure. That's very hard. So I don't know if there's an unwillingness. I don't want to see it or no, Mom, I promise, I promise, and he's just our precious little baby boy, or if this is one of those rare moments that somebody just flat made something up about him and his girlfriend and he lost everything. That's very rare, okay? Uh, and that's just me, that's just my experience there, but it could have happened that way. Here we are. What a 16-year-old is incapable of doing, contrary to what the playbook would tell us, is sitting down by themselves and waiting through their thoughts and feelings and emotions and rationally landing on a series of steps to take next. They can't do that. They're 16. What a 16-year-old has to do is has to be pushed into. They have to do things. Yes, counseling can be important for you and your husband and him to learn how to talk. But here's where we get into this weird reciprocal cycle. It's, it's going to turn into a spiral, really, actually already is, but it goes into a spiral real fast. Here it is. What it is, he pulls away a little bit and feels a little bit syrupy. I don't want to, I'm not ready yet. And what do you and your husband do? You all put something else on the table? Well, we'll go to counseling. We'll do this thing. We'll help you if you want to do this. I'm going to pull away a little bit more. And then we're going to do. And so what he's getting, all what he's getting every little step of the way is exactly what his body is craving, which is an adult to tell him, I love you and I see you. Yeah. And his dad cut a hole in his heart by being gone, right? Yeah. Yes. So what he does, I'll just walk through a couple things. He desperately, desperately needs. Number one, he needs your daily touch. You're my son. I'm going to hold your face every single day. Oh, come on, Mom. Come on. I'm going to hold your face every single day. I'm going to look you in the eyes and tell you, I'm so glad that God picked me to be your your mom. The second thing is, is once a week, I want you all to have some sort of, I'm going to call it a date, but you know what I mean? Like you take him to breakfast, you do dinner with just you two. Yeah, because there's that very strange thing that if he feels him s gravitating towards his stepfather, who sounds like he's a great guy and good, good man, yeah, okay, that there's that disloyalty to his biodad, right?
Exactly. That's exactly what he said several times, that he has always felt like he can't even call him dad because that's the connection he has, really the only connection he has with his actual dad.
So that's right. That's right. And that's, it's a, it's a, but often we try to solve that by forcing new dad into that picture. You can reinforce it from the inside out with you, okay? You can strengthen that relationship, okay? Yeah. He, now the second thing he's going to need is he has to have a strong male role model, if not one, multiple, probably multiple, right? Most of the time, kids in this situation, some can make the leap to stepdad, they can. Some can't. And that's where coaches, Jiu-Jitsu coaches, so guitar teachers, somebody who he actively is involved with on a regular basis. And so in my house, I'll just, I'm just tell you what I do in my house. My kids have two options. They can do one art, and they have to do one art, and they have to do one movement. That's just a thing. And the art can be an instrument, the art can be, um, which both my kids have chosen. And then as my kids, one of my kids got older, uh, chose theater, but they have to do something expressive where they have to learn how to create, and they have to learn how to create with a team. And there's a lot of stuff about neural connectivity and all that kind of stuff that is like playing an instrument. All that's important. And yeah, they have to do something with their body.
Does your son play sports? Has any involvement, anything movement-wise?
Yeah, he plays soccer at his high school, and so he's pretty involved with that and pretty active. And he's got no friends on the soccer team? No. And that's kind of the, you know, I'll ask him like, what about this kid? What about that? And I see you kind of hanging out with them around soccer. Why don't you ask them to go do something? Or, um, you know, our son's driving now, so that opens up a little bit more freedom. And he's just like, e, like I've asked him, and they just tell me they're busy and kind of blow me off. So I think he just feels like, how much do I keep pushing if they don't want with me?
Yeah, I just don't believe him. And I don't, I don't, I don't not believe him like as though he's, but I don't believe him in like the, um, something doesn't ring true there. Something's not ringing true. Sure. They may say, no, I'm busy. Cool. Well, what are we going to do next time? And here's how I would handle that if I'm you. If I'm you, or here I would handle that in my house. Um, my son runs cross country. Hey, here's the deal, son. I'm inviting the cross country team over for dinner. I'm doing that. You can pick three or four people to come over, or I'm inviting the whole team. You get to pick. Now, my son would be like, invite everybody. That, but that's just kind of how he rolls. My daughter would be a little bit different. But I think we both, we you and I both know the importance of relationships for for teenagers, period. And so I'm not just going to outsource that to my 16-year-old and say, well, you got to go make some friends, you got to make some friends. No, I'm a parent. I'm going to get involved. And that's not an overly dramatic, like I'm over. No, I'm going to start having people over to my house. I'm just going to, because there has to be something. There's something in the water here that's just not ringing true with me. Um, but he's got to have movement-related things, and he's got to have a relationship with that coach. And if it's not coming through soccer, then maybe he's got to do something else. And the final thing would be this, um, and I think, let me say this, I think you're right about group activities. I think you're right about, um, getting involved with church groups and things like that. I think that all that stuff is good. All that that stuff is good. Give him a chance to be successful with other friends. The final thing is this. I do think your stepfather plays a role. And if it's a matter of saying dad or calling him Steve or Dan or whatever, that's not a battle. That's not a hill I would die on at this point. But we're looking for is, um, we want a picture of what that looks like, of what a male relationship with your 16-year-old son looks like. And so that might mean that your husband begins to take him out to breakfast. And it starts on breakfast. One is, I know you feel like you're betraying your dad, and so I'm not trying to get in the middle of that. That's your dad, and that's for y'all two to work out together. But we live in the same house together, so we're going to be friends, and I'm going to get involved that way. And there's going to be a constant, here's the key, a never-ending show up. I'm going to show up. I'm going to show up. I'm going to show up. And he's going to show up. Your husband's going to show up. He's going to show up. And your son is going to do what he can over time to push him away, and it's not going to work because I love you, kid. And what your son is going to learn in real time, oh, this is what being a man actually looks like because my dad abandoned me. And until he can metabolize that, it's going to be a tough, a tough road to hoe for him. But your husband's going to show him, this is what men do. They keep showing up for their sons. They keep showing up. They keep showing up. They treat their their mom like this. They pay their bills like this. They do a budget like this. And so maybe it's just life lessons. Hey, I'm going to teach you how budgets work. I'm going to teach you how a household runs. I'm going to teach you how to fix a car. I'm going to teach you some things. But we got to have those relationships. And it might be, hey, I'm going to start taking Jiu-Jitsu after soccer season's over. I want you to take it with me. Um, we're going to do it together. Um, and you can call me Steve, call me Steve all the way through. If you're never comfortable calling me dad, that's fine. I'm not going to force that. Um, and I think it's good for him to keep seeing a counselor about his dad because his dad left him, and that's going to leave a, a dad-sized hole in that heart for a long, long time. But what we're looking for now that he's 16, we're looking for him when he's 22, 24, and he's able to feel inside his nervous system, but also look back in memory and say, oh, no, no, I got a picture of a man who kept showing up. It was my stepdad. I got a picture of a mom who never ever let me pass. She grabbed my face every single day and said, I love you. My parents made me have friends. It was so awkward and so weird, and they made me. I'm so glad they did. Right now, we have a lot of talking and a lot of, how do you feel? And a lot of processing. Let's begin to move towards action. The processing is still important. Having that conversation is still good. I recommend putting a spiral notebook on his bed, and you, and him can go back and forth, or the three of you can go back and forth, and writing things down. That tends to be a little bit more of a, uh, an honest way to communicate with a teenager sometimes because everything sucks, or it's the worst, or I'm fine. Um, sometimes writing it down is very helpful. Um, letting them see that you're grateful for them, letting them see that it was a really hard day together, but I love you, and I'm confident tomorrow's going to be a better day. Letting him see that and read it, and then have to write back to you, today was fine, today was okay, I really wish that, fill in the blank, whatever that is. But that may be a good way to you all communicate together and continue to process this stuff together. But let's move towards action. Let's move towards movement. Let's move towards action. Let's move towards relationship. Yeah, not just thinking about or thinking about it and feeling about it. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want you to check that book out as a family, and maybe that'll give you all a roadmap towards kind of what I'm talking about here.