Transcription
A lot of people will listen to this and they'll relate to the feeling of being subtly disrespected on a recurring basis by individuals in their life. Whether it's their romantic partner, whether it's a colleague at work, whether it's someone else that they interact with. And so many people, I've, I've seen this in some of the questions I get sent in, are keen to understand how to deal with someone that is disrespecting you. You know, cuz I, I guess there's a train of thought that would say when they disrespect you, you kind of argue and engage and try and shout them down and try and win. But if you are being subtly disrespected in your own life by someone, what do you recommend that they do?
Okay, who is it? So if it's my partner, so I'm married, I have a husband. He's another special agent. If he does something where I feel disrespected, because I care so deeply about that relationship and the integrity of that relationship, him, I might argue it, not to argue, but because I want to keep a good, healthy relationship. Now, don't get me wrong, being in a relationship, you also let a lot of things go, right? So it's, it's again, what am I willing to let go? What's, I don't want to say silly, but what's like really not important? And where, you know, what's like, hey, I want to address this with you, and this is why. So for me, that takes hierarchy. Who your partner is, I, when we talked about that before, bar none, that is really such a crux of how well you're going to do in life. They're either going to raise you up or they're going to sink you down. So that matters. And I will do my best not to be belligerent when I'm having that discussion. Right now, everybody else falls to the side for me, cuz, because I understand the value of being with a person, and you're with that person 90% of the time, and that's an investment in that relationship. But aside from everybody else, mostly everybody else, I can let it go. I always look at, are you worth my time and energy? I'm busy. So do I need to stop and do I need to address you?
Okay, so let's play out a scenario. Okay? And in this scenario, I'm going to make her PE. So we work together, right? We work together in a call center. This is actually something that happened to me when I was in the early sort of phase of my career where I was working in call centers. So I was like answering phones and doing that kind of thing and selling things on the phone, etc. And I remember being sat next to someone who was like subtly disrespecting me all the time. And at this point in my life, I wasn't in any position of authority to do anything about it. I've actually, it's funny because that one instance has completely shaped my leadership perspective and my real deep belief that I have a responsibility as the founder of the company or CEO to go in search of and clamp out all disrespect in an organization that is happening beneath me. Because you're often powerless at work to do anything about it. And I felt that I couldn't stop this lady that sat next to me disrespecting me because I wasn't her boss. So now that I have the responsibility, it's a big thing for me that we don't employ our souls in. And there's actually a recent example where someone was in our business for a total of a couple of hours. And actually, in my previous company, there was a guy that walked in during his initiation. He went like this and walked off. Day one of his job, he put both middle fingers up after his like initiation. Where initiation, we basically asked him questions, asked him what they're into, who they are. Put both middle fingers up and walked off. Was the last time anyone saw them in the building. And it, because it was a, it was a sign of a character issue that would lead to further disrespect.
So if I'm sat next to you at work, eie, we're colleagues. And you, you come in in the morning and I go, "Oh, first time you've been on time." And then you, you do some work and I go, "Not bad, considering your standard." And then you're in a meeting and you're talking and I just interrupt you. And you submit a piece of work and I, and I look at it and I turn my nose up. And you hear me talking about you behind your back when people aren't there, me criticizing your work and how you are and your delivery. How are you going to deal with that situation?
I would deal with a specific situation, not the whole thing. I would pick a moment where I have tangible facts and I would say, "Can I speak to you for a moment?" Okay. So we're in a group, we're all on the calls on in my call center. I'm not going to do it in front of other people. Okay, fine. So this is what happens. I, this is not actually what happened in my life. Did you do this? No, no, no. Fact me, I didn't do anything. I just wanted the money. I was trying to just survive, could feed myself. I was going to open my mouth. But I'm, we're in a call center and I've disrespected you for a while now. And then I turn you and I go, and you, you've just come off a call. And I go, "You know what? You should have, you could have done that better. You didn't close that properly." E, and I, you know, "Next time you do a call and you get stuck like that, just speak to me and I'll take the call off you. Just tell them that your colleague will handle it." And I carry on with my day. What are you going to do in that moment?
I might not do anything. Well, it also depends because you said I didn't do anything. I was trying to feed myself and that plays a role. Like where are you? I think part of it is also is I was very young and I didn't have the tools to address that situation. The problem is the situation made coming to work a misery. Yeah. And this version of myself, irrespective of my financial situation, would have. And even today, because even today, okay, I have money, I have security. But, but I'm still playing at a certain level where there's disrespect potential. I actually have a really good example that I could never share as someone that I work with who's extremely successful. We work on a particular project together. And I found out that this was happening. And they were basically threatened by me because for a variety of reasons. This, this is what I was told by an intermediary. And I chose a moment when I heard that they had just disrespected me within a short period of time. And I walked in, in front of a, in front of a group of people. And I, I said to them, I said, "I, I heard what you did out there in the hallway when I wasn't there. And, um, in the future, if you want to say something to me, I'd really appreciate it if you said it to my face instead of behind my back." And there, and it's crazy what happened. It's crazy what happened. This really big, tough, powerful individual turned into a toddler in front of my eyes.
Oh, what? No, I didn't say. And I left the room. And then it never happened again. But I think that that's okay too. But you also came to that place. Like it's like, I think each person has to choose. And if you choose to do it, you can do it. Now, the fact that you did it in front of people. But what you did that was smart is you were able to speak, as upset as you were, you were able to speak and articulate yourself clearly. Yeah. And it had just happened. And you were able to say, "What just specifically happened here?" That's the difference. Cuz sometimes it's like, "I feel like you treat me this way," or "I think you did this," or "It seems like that." Those are very ambiguous. So if you're going to confront someone, like you did, you did it the smart way. Cuz you picked a specific moment, you said specifically, "Out in the hallway, you just did this. You said X, Y, and Z. If you want to say something to me, always feel free to come say it to me." That's why I also think it worked. And you're also in a place where you feel like you can do that. I think that that's okay too. But you also took a risk. And you're like, uncertainty, like, "I'll burn this down." Yeah. Because on that project, I'm not the one that's got the power. I can still be fired from that particular project. But you chose, you're like, "Let it burn." Yeah. Cuz I, I don't want to be anywhere where I'm miserable. Exactly. You made a, but you made a choice. You're like, "Let it burn." So you understood, at some point, understood like, "These, there's a consequence here." And it's interesting, cuz bullies, they're not, they, they flex. They're not very powerful. You know, I had, oh gosh, we're like swapping stories here. I had one scenario where I inherit a case. You know, every John's gone, he went to the president detail. You are now taking John's case. Okay? So there were some things that were incomplete in John's case with regard to evidence. It was admin stuff. The admin paperwork for evidence hadn't been filled out yet. I got the case, I pushed it to the side, I worked on it, I would update it, but I hadn't done the admin thing with it. Fast forward, I'm leaving cuz I just got bumped to a different position. And so the new agent that got it, I'm like, "Hey, here's the case." I said, "There's one thing that I didn't get to do. It's the admin thing for the evidence." I'm like, "I can help you go through it." Blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, uh, the group leader I had at the time, which was a peer, in front of the whole group, one day he's like, "Hey, you didn't do this admin. You didn't file the evidence for whatever." Blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's doing this in front of everybody. You know, "You need to take care of that. And that's on you. And I don't care that you inherited the case." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm watching this happen. And I assure you all, all I wanted to do is like reach over and lunge him by the neck. But I didn't. I left. I was pissed. I let it ride. My angle, ride. And later that day, I went and I found him after I calmed down. And his name was Jeff. I'm like, "Hey, Jeff, come here. Let me talk to you." And I took him into the stairwell cuz we had these secure stairwells. I said, "Listen, earlier on, you brought up this case. You're 100% right. I didn't finish the admin paperwork for the evidence. I will take care of it and I will help the new agent do it." I said, "However, I was like, if you ever want to address me," cuz he was very insulting when he did it, in front of the whole group, to flex. I said, "If you ever want to address me, don't ever do it like that again." I go, "Because I'm addressing you, and I'm actually giving you more respect than you showed me in there before by pulling you into this stairwell." I said, "So if you want to address me, feel free to pull me to the side and speak to me. But what you did out there, there's no need. We're peers. And that's it. You may be the group leader, but there's no need to talk to me like that." I go, "Have the decency to address me the way and with the courtesy that I'm giving you, because I could have easily tore your head off in there." And he was a peer. He was a peer slash group leader. So we were the same. But he happened to be a group leader, okay, which meant he oversaw me. I said, "So next time, there's not going to be a next time." It was immediately, "I'm sorry. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Now, for that scenario, I wanted to have long-term good relationships because this person was, was in my squad. And that's why I handled it like that. Never happened again.
So I guess like there's different ways to do it. With Jeff, I preserved his dignity because if I would have shot back, he would have shot back at me. I would have shot back at him. And there's a point too where I'm like, I'm, I don't want to look like an, I don't want to sit and fight and look stupid. I, I want to be in control of like how I manage an environment. And me yelling back or confronting someone sometimes may not be it, especially if I think I can't keep myself composed. And in that moment, there was no way I was going to be composed. I think you're right. Now, I reflect on the incident that I described to you. I don't actually think I was that composed. I didn't shout. I was very articulate, looked to them in the eyes without breaking eye contact. But actually, if I was really composed, I would have done what you did, which is I would have said, "Please, can I have a private chat with you?" And I actually think it would have been more effective and would have shown more of my sort of fortitude to have that conversation privately. The other thing that you said, which I thought was so important in the context of what we're saying, is you do have to point at a specific incident. Because these individuals, they are masters of gaslighting. So if you don't have specifics, that just happened in that location, and it made me feel like this, and you said this, if you let it ride and you come to them with vibes, they will so easily twist it. "What are you talking about? What do you mean? No, that's not what I meant." That's why you have to come with very specific stuff. But, you know, even if you said you were pissed when you did it, if you were still able to articulate yourself, you were, I think it's okay to own it. Listen, I'm not saying I've always flown like, uh, up top. Like there's times where I'm like, "I shouldn't have done that or said it." But I, I also run hot and I know myself. And so I have to police myself. And then there's times like, we learn our lesson. It's just, I think whatever you do, just own it. Whether if it was the wrong thing to do, just say, "I won't do that next time." But I feel like you were okay. You said something a second ago which about bullies, right? And there's this fascinating thing I've come to learn about bullies and people that are like this type of disrespect is they're actually going in search of the weakest link. And the, the incredible thing that happened in the scenario that I'm describing is once this individual realized that I would literally call it out and I was, I was off the table, they never treated me like that again. But they moved on. They moved on to someone else that I work with. And that person, as we sit here today, is thinking of leaving that environment because of the same person who was making the little slight comments about me is now doing it about them. And I say to this person, I say, "Why don't you just do what I did?" She says, "Because she saw me confront." I say to her, "Why don't you go just do what I did?" And she just says, "I haven't got, I, I don't, I don't want conflict." So what is she doing? Actually, she's becoming suppressing herself. Yes. Yeah. And she's going to leave something that she loves doing. Purely because this person's making her feel, um, a certain way. I think that that's a too though, like she can, it reminds me of that narcotic story. It's like she's just like, "I just don't want to be here anymore." But at the same time, too, if she keeps going, when you go small, small, small, they go higher, higher. It's, you know, speaking of bullies, I'm going to bring it back to crime. When I started interviewing suspects, right? You watch TV shows and in your head, you think these predators, right, are like these, like really intimidating, scary predators. And the way they behave. And you think, like, "I'm going to get these like savages in the room." Nope. And you know what's interesting? When you look at the populations of people being victimized the most, first it's children, then it's women, and then it's elderly. Why? Because they're the easiest to victimize. So when you look at predators, they pick easy prey. What they perceive as easy prey. They don't want fair fights. I would sit across people in the room who did like really horrific crimes against kids. And you would look at them and you're like, "You, I could eat you for lunch." A lot of times too, we build up people in our heads and we think like they're these, these like high apex individuals. They're not. They prey on people weaker than themselves. And why? It makes them feel stronger and better, more powerful. Why do you need to do that? Because you feel weak. That's why you do that. That's why you bully. That's why you push. Because, because you feel a void. And you look to fill that void by taking from other people. And that's what makes you feel strong. All these predators, I never sat across from anybody, to include terrorists, I never sat across anyone and I was just like, "Oh, this guy's scary." Never. I'm shocked actually, as I say it. I have never to this day sat across someone where I'm like, "Ooh, that." Once everybody, I'd walk in and I'm like, "You." In my head, of course, the inside voice, "You did this." And so I guess like bullies, like I think sometimes we unfortunately give them more weight and gravitas than they really are. Weakness, all the way through.
With that in mind, how do I stop myself becoming prey to a predator?
You stop acting like prey. So the one thing you're not going to be is, is it depends who it is. First of all, if it's personal relationships, you have to set the intention of the relationship from the beginning, how you want it to go. So let's do work. Work is an easy one. I'm not there to be your friend. I can be friendly, but I'm not going to be your friend. I'm not there to be super nice to you or super sweet or super kind. Like I can be warm, I can be respectful, I can be compassionate, I can be those things. But I got to bring the right version of me to a work environment. Cuz then I just get, because then I set the tone of like, "Well, is everyone my friend? Or is everyone my boss? Like, what am I dealing with here?" Like, always keep that level of professionalism. Always. And I make, I make a point to do it. Because then it just becomes really awkward if, if people are your friends. Can you balance a relationship like that? You just got to be really, really, really, really good. But like, don't come in and like literally like make yourself a doormat or like overextend to the point. Because the more you extend, even a good person, it's going to be like, "Oh, that's just how she is. That's how he is." They get used to being like that. And people like being catered to. They like feeling like they're above. And so now you create this role dynamic of, "I'm subservient and you're here." So you want to make sure that no matter how excited you are to work with someone or be with someone, that you don't create this disproportionate thing. Like the seesaw. You want to keep the seesaw level. It'll go up and down. But, but you want to make sure that you, because you will do it. Everybody assesses everybody. Everybody sizes people up. They do it intuitively. People meet you, they size you up. "Oh, he seems like this. She seems like that. She seems like she's going to be this way." Project what you want them to feel. "I'm here. I'm warm. I'm open. I'm happy to be here. Again, thank you for having me. Um, let's talk." But at the same time, you can also think about how you sit, how you carry yourself, your voice, your tone. All these things play alone together. I know people talk about body language. It does play a role. In the fact that look, something as simple as when you go to meetings, are you in the meeting and you're like this? You're small. Maybe you got your phone out, right? What am I doing? I'm, I'm making myself small. My hands aren't on the table because I don't think I'm worth putting my hands on the table, right? I want to literally make myself disappear. I'm not going to ask any questions. I'm going to maybe sit like this with my thing here, right? So this is telling you a story about me. It is. So it's a really subtle way to be like, "Why don't I sit with purpose?" I'm going to sit like this. I'm going to have my arms out. I'm going to have my shoulders back. Something as simple as just my posture means something. There's a study actually done in New York City. They put up cameras years ago and they started recording people walking in New York City. Then they took the footage and they played it to convicted felons in prison. And they said to them, "Who would you pick as prey?" They all picked the same people to prey on. All the same people, just by walk. There were three types of walk they found out. One walk was, "I'm walking, I'm sloppy, I'm not paying attention, I'm just like in my own space. I have really no deliberate purpose in the way I'm moving my body." Target. Easy prey. Other easy prey. My walk is small. I'm more timid. I'm kind of like not comfortable. I'm like, paying attention. Easy prey. Those two, bar none, were picked. You know who they didn't pick? The walk wasn't too sloppy. Big. It wasn't too small. It was right in the middle. And it's deliberate. I'm in control of my body. I'm looking around. I'm present. I own my space. That person, I want nothing to do with. Those group of people were not picked to be targets. So we exude vibes, energy, all that stuff. But even this, this tool that we don't pay attention to, our body. Think about how you use it to portray yourself when you're out there. Am I commanding myself, or am I just not paying attention at all? So even subtle things like that. Your voice. It's called paralanguage. And I wrote about it a lot in "Becoming Bulletproof." Your, your voice. Do I talk like this? "Hi, Amy. So nice to meet you. I'm so glad to be here. Hi, guys. Love it, right?" What kind of guest am I going to be, right? But when I find my true voice and I own it, I slow down my speech. I bring down my tone and pitch to my true voice, to at least the most powerful voice. And I'm grounded. And I take my time. And I'm also, when I speak and I take my time, I'm letting you know I deserve to be here. What I'm saying deserves to be heard. And I deserve to take time for you to listen to me. As opposed to when I speak really, really fast, because, "Hey guys, look, really quick, I don't want to take up anybody's time anymore. I know you're all busy." What did I just tell everybody? "Don't listen to me. What I'm about to say isn't really relevant. And you're more important. And what I'm about to say really isn't." I just killed it. How many times do people finish meetings like that? Why are you saying that? You just told them, "Don't listen to me." These are subtle things that if we just pay attention to, you don't have to do a lot. You don't have to do a lot. There's no magic pill. There's no secret to this other than really own yourself and think about, "What am I exuding with my energy, with my body, with my voice?" Even your voice, your voice captures like so many things. Like your voice, it's like, um, you have to think of it like over your, your, your time in your life, your voice captures the things you've been through. With you were told to be quiet, be a good girl, be a good boy, don't talk loud, don't do this, don't do that. And you have to think like, over time, this voice has become a bit mangled because other people around you were telling you how to use it. And often we're actually not using our true voice. It's the voice that we've sort of somehow manufactured and created based off of what everybody else told us it should sound like. And so you want to pay attention to that. Like, "How do I sound?" And I even noticed when I, my husband pointed this out because he's kind of got the same background. He said to me once, he's like, "You ever noticed that when you talk to your mom, your voice goes high?" And I was like, "It does." He's like, "Yeah, it does. Because she's my mom. She's an authority. And also she has a higher voice because she talks with a very high voice." And I'm like, "You're right." And so even with my daughter, cuz I have a little one, I try very hard to make sure that I don't do like the baby babbling voice and like the high pitch voice. Because I don't want her to grow up thinking that because she's a girl, she has to talk like this all the time. "Hi, Mom." Because I want her to have a strong, commanding presence. And where is she going to learn that from? Her mom. In fact, even in, there are studies done that even in scenarios where a child may favor the opposite sex parent, they imitate the same sex parent. So my daughter, whether she likes me or not, growing up will imitate my behavior more so because I'm the one she's learning from. And so I have awareness with that. Do you think your life would have gone differently and you would be sat here now if you spoke differently in the high pitch, fast way? That I wouldn't be doing news. Who's going to listen to anything I say? "Hi, everybody. Welcome. Today we had a mass shooting." Do I sound like I know what I'm talking about? I don't. Even if what I'm saying is correct, it's, do I believe in the words that I'm saying? Do I own the words I'm saying? If I don't believe in them and I don't sound like I know what I'm talking about, you won't either. In fact, when you watch any, any news anchor, like you will hear like they've got a strong, anchored voice. Because even with breaking news, stuff changes all the time. You know, I remember I was covering the recent shooting in New Orleans. It's breaking news. I'm getting information as it's coming in. And I'm, I'm doing a breakdown the best I can with the information that's coming in. So, but I still have to convey it in a way where people can trust and believe in what I'm saying. But if I don't sound like I believe in what I'm saying, it's not going to land. This, the way you sound has more impact than the words you actually say. That's a big thing. I didn't realize. I learned this later on. I learned this as an agent and then even more so when I began doing TV. Because there were times where I'm like, "Man, this is what I sound like." I don't know if you, you ever had that? You ever maybe when you first started off? Oh, yeah, of course. Where you play yourself and you hear yourself and you're just like, "Oh, yeah, of course." And then you're like, "You know, I need to fix that. I don't need to sound like that. I need to sound a certain way." I'm the host of a podcast. I'm asking these questions. I'm sitting across from these people. I need to match them to some degree to show that like, "Please listen to my show. I deserve to be here. I'm giving you good information. I'm credible."
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