EZ TALK EP89 - Karma RX

[Music] I think this is the first episode we've ever had where we had like, basically an episode before we did the episode. Alicia, thank you for being on.

Thank you for having me. This is an honor. You, you are, and I'm sure you get this a lot. Before we even go back to that, I want to ask one thing. Are you self-aware of your fame?

I hate the word fame, but yes, I'm aware of, uh, I, I, I believe that I am recognizable. I was recognizable, um, because I had a very distinctive look. I don't, I mean, I think fame is like Eminem. Even if you don't listen to rap, you know who Eminem is. Like, I wouldn't call it fame. It's like, now everybody's famous because they're, every, you have, you know, 200,000 followers on Instagram, you're famous. Are you really though? 'Cause I don't [ __ ] know who you are.

Am I allowed to swear on here?

Yeah. Okay, that's good. The only censorship we have to my knowledge is like YouTube censorship. So, like, corn instead of the other word. Um, can't say the hard R. Uh, there's a.

Okay. Well, I wasn't planning on doing that, but, you know, one in Rome. You never know.

No, you're not censored at all. Say whatever you want to say. The only thing I'm going to ask is, um, if it's not safe for YouTube, please don't.

Okay. But if you do, I mean, this is all.

Yeah. Exactly. All right. All right. Okay.

So, where were we at? Oh, yeah. So, like, fame. Yeah. I, I take that with a grain of salt. I think that they're, I, I don't like that word. I am aware of like that at some point I was like, number eight on, uh, cornhub, you know.

Seriously?

I was. Yeah. For a minute there. But also, like, people's attention span is very quick, you know? And, and like, I quit years ago. And so, I mean, people don't seem to have realized that I quit because like, new stuff still comes out that like, just companies have been holding on to for years. So, but.

And like, wait a second. They have content of you that they have not, like, so you shot it out like a [ __ ] week ago that I shot probably three years ago.

No. [ __ ] More, more actually than that. Yeah.

Forgive me, 'cause I'm a little bit ignorant to this. Like, so then how is payment done? Is it like in one moment, like, you're gonna get paid this for this? You get a day, a day rate?

No, like, uh, additional. Yeah. No, none of that.

Damn. Yeah. So, those guys know what they're doing. That's why all the girls, that's why fans became what it did, I think, because then the girls are making content that they own and then they can consistently make money off that same content. I, the very first guest I ever had on was a girl by the name of Whitney Mallister, and that's what she did. She just did Only Fans. But I think it would shock people to see the revenue that she was getting. Even I was shocked after the episode. I was like, Whitney, I, I never do this. I want to see this. Like, I want to see the receipts. She, she opened up the app. She showed it to me and my jaw dropped. I was like, I'm paying for dinner. What the [ __ ] You know what I mean?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, one thing that shocked me was just the sheer size of that market. Everybody sells, sex sells, and, and duly noted. I guess I was just shocked at like, how much it sells. So, the, the funny thing is that like, she, having never done professional, uh, corn. I hate that [ __ ] term.

Whatever. Well, you know what? Having not done that professionally, she probably makes a lot more money than anybody who actually shot professionally because that, people want to see something that they haven't seen before. They've already seen everything there's to see about me, you know? So, whatever I'm do, like, I have like die-hard fans that have been on my OnlyFans for like 10 years. God bless.

Yes. Yes. Thank you guys to all of you. Thank you gentlemen and women. Um, yeah. But for the most part, it's like, if I'm not coming up with new stuff or, or there's not anything new to see, like, men want to watch some girl that just turned 18 and like, you know, that they think that see, she's somebody they could see at the supermarket. And, and that's more interesting, I think. In the, because, uh, the corn industry has become as big as it is. Um, it's like, everybody knows how fake it is. Um, I think you're absolutely right when you were talking about like, how everybody wants to see something they haven't seen before or see some more of someone. I think it was, um, I don't know if you're particular with some of these people, but like, there was a streamer named Amaranth who did like Twitch streaming and she was like, one of the more LWD streamers, you know, push-up bra, these things, like, all the bells and whistles, right? And then she did like, she moved to OnlyFans and I think in like, one month, she cleared like millions of dollars. And I remember I was reading that. I was on Yahoo Finance and this was like the top thing on Yahoo Finance, not some stock. It was like, Hammer makes and OnlyFans. And I remember thinking to myself, this is how you know this [ __ ] is massive. Yeah. Because like, I wasn't even looking for this kind of content yet. It's like, kind of, it's so big, it's become bigger than what it originally is.

So, I had originally done like, I just, my Instagram just got big like for whatever reason. I don't know. I wasn't anybody, but like, my ex-husband would like, wanted me to help like promote his products or whatever. So, he'd like, have me like, holding his like vape pen or whatever in a [ __ ] bikini. And so, which is really embarrassing to me now, but anyway. So, like, my, my Instagram was already big and then like, everyone was like, "Make a Snapchat. Make a Snapchat." And I was like, I don't even know what the [ __ ] Snapchat is.

But what year? Forgive me. What year are we talking? How long?

This was like 2014, 2015.

Oh, dude. Snapchat was like, new. Yeah. Okay. And so, and it was like, the premium Snapchat thing at the time. And it's like, so the first day that I did that, I made more money than I've ever had in my entire life. I mean, I was homeless for five years, so that's not saying that much, but I made so much [ __ ] money that day. I was like, okay, I guess I do this now, you know? Like, why the [ __ ] do I work, you know?

Was that a culture shock to you, that the amount of money that you could make?

Insane. Yeah. Um, and by the way, I don't want to, going forward in this conversation, I don't care the number, more the thought behind it.

To to me. Yeah. I mean, to me, the number was astronomical. To somebody else, it's, I don't know. It's still high for a day. If I had made that every day, I would make over a million. We wouldn't be here. Yeah. But this was also like Snapchat, but it was like, I feel like I, I was so much more successful before I joined the industry because I was like, just some girl. And that's more interesting to people. It's like, people try to find the reality stuff, you know, because the reality stuff because it seems more authentic. So, like, some girl on Snapchat that they've been following on Instagram for however long, that's more interesting to them than like, whoever, so and so, who's a big name that you know.

Do you think it's authenticity or do you think it's proximity to intimacy?

Just wanted to take a second to pause the action and just tell you guys thank you so much for consuming our content. Easy Talk is a passion project. This podcast is just a bunch of like-minded people coming together to produce some cool stuff and talk to some cool people. One of the things I would very much appreciate is if you could possibly like the video or subscribe to the channel, just because it helps us in the algorithm and ultimately to grow, to get more exposure to everybody, including ourselves, and ultimately just make a better product. Take a second. I'd greatly appreciate it and on with the show.

'Cause I do, I think men, they try to say that it's just physical, and I don't believe that at all. Yeah. So, having worked lots of conventions, uh, and no offense to my creepy fans, but some of y'all are creepy as hell.

All the creepy fans are like, duly noted. Yeah. No, but like, because they've seen me do all these things, or they, or they, they even like, like, um, what is it called? I can't even think. VR stuff. Like, it's super personal. The virtual reality stuff. I've never actually seen any of it, but I had a friend of mine tell me like, I'm pretty sure if you knew what it's actually like, that you wouldn't be comfortable shooting it because it, it allows for what such like pseudo intimacy. They literally like, see you on their body, you know.

Oh, wow. Yeah. So, it's like the future is now. Yeah. But so the problem is, or they've seen like, whatever podcasts or interviews I've done, and, and so they know all the stuff about me. And I'm, you know, I've always been very vocal on Twitter. I just like, word vomit and say whatever the [ __ ] I think.

I feel like that is all of Twitter.

Yes. I mean, I still do that on Twitter to some extent. Um, but so I feel like people, they feel like they have some kind of intimate relationship with me. Problem is, I've never met you before. I don't [ __ ] know anything about you. I never had a, you know, a VR of you sitting on my lap. So, it, it creates this imbalance and then they come up and like, they're thinking that like, they're close.

Yes. Alicia, you know me. I've known you. They think it's all right to just like, grab my tips.

Do. Wow. Bold. Okay.

I've punched a lot of people.

Well, that's okay. That's right. Okay. I was about to ask a question, but that's a little overboard. I was going to ask like, do you think that that kind of that schism between like the intimacy that they had felt with you or the, I hate to say it this way, but the pseudo intimacy because it wasn't real, right? It was very one-sided. I, I have so many questions about like the macro side of it, but let's keep it to you for right now. Do you feel like these interactions with people that you call creepy, is it because the individual had that disconnection between how they felt about you and assuming that this was some sort of reciprocal relationship? That's what makes it creepy because I don't know how far that runs. Like, I've had, there's also like, so if you search like my name on Instagram, there's like hundreds of pages of like fake accounts and I'll get people like messaging me like, I mean, they're, they're commenting on my Instagram like, I can't believe you're cheating on me with this guy that's happens to be my husband, you know, and like that, that we supposedly are in some kind of relationship and they sent me a bunch of money for like, and this is like, they're talking to some Indian dude, you know, that's pretending that's posting pictures of me and like, now they think I owe them money and I'm like, I'm [ __ ] reimbursing you because you're an idiot. Like, I'm sorry.

Why? Yes, I have a secret profile that's like karma rx125 specifically for you. Yeah. Like, that's totally me. Like, you know, and so, but it's weird. So, some of these people actually think that we're in a, we're in a relationship and that, at least that's even more, that's more understandable because they did think they were talking to me. I've had somebody's wife like messaging me like through my soap company like, I, I know all about you and my husband, like all this stuff and I was like, lady, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but like, I, my marriage has been ruined by somebody that wasn't even me. Yeah. By some dude that's pretending to be me. So, I'm very sorry and you should just leave him.

Let me, let me, but like, it wasn't even me talking to him. Let me ask you this. Do you think that the body of work that you've done in that industry, has it, has it benefited people more or has it hindered people more?

So, it's kind of a loaded question, forgive me. So, this has been like over the years, something that's changed for me. So, like when I first started, I didn't see how, I didn't see any of the negative consequences like to society in general. Um, all people talk about is like, oh, that's gonna hurt you psychologically or whatever, like being in that industry, that like, it's toxic or whatever. But I never had any thoughts about like, what my actions are having on the world at large, or more so, I didn't feel responsible for him. Like, just 'cause I make a video and you take it as it's okay, somebody like, that's not on me. Um, however, the longer that, or the older I grew up and the more [ __ ] that I seen, um, I started to question that. And I, and I believe that I still don't think it's my fault that somebody else does something wrong, you know, or, or that somebody else has an addiction. It's not alcohol's fault that you're an alcoholic, right? I don't mean you specifically, but it's not.

Yeah. It's not. We said that off the record. It's not. It's not my fault that somebody has a porn addiction. However, to act like I'm not contributing to something that I, I now believe is harmful is, you know, is, is not true. Now, I, I again, like, so the other thing, like, I don't ever want to become one of these people who quits and then like, becomes all anti and and talks all this crap about an industry that gave me everything that I have, you know, and, and I'm not anti the industry. It's more that like, I don't even, okay, from like a Christian standpoint, it's, it's wrong, period. Um, I personally felt more like, it's, it's like the industry isn't what hurt me. Society is like, we think we're in this progressive society. We're not. Um, so the way that I was treated and I, and I don't mean to like, make this sound like a pity thing 'cause I made my bed and I've been laying it for 10 [ __ ] years. Um, you know, but I, like, one time I went to go buy a car. I went to an Audi dealership. I had like $40,000 in cash on me to buy a [ __ ] car. The guy knew who I was. He like tried to like, pay me to suck his dick and I was like, "Well, I guess I'm not buying a [ __ ] car, you know?" But it's like, he, it didn't even occur to him that he would lose his job because they don't even see you as a human being. Like, I'm not even, I'm not a human. Yeah.

Um, can I, can I respond to that though? So, while I am just a piece of anecdotal evidence compared to the multitude of anecdotal evidence that you've already, um, witnessed firsthand, I don't think that that is a reflection of you, your lifestyle, your choices. It is 100% a reflection of him. And I'm not trying to white knight. I'm not trying to do anything. That's why I'm saying that it's society that that like.

But no, no, but, but it's not though because I'm a guy. I live in this society and I'm not [ __ ] asking some girl to give me a BJ just because she does poor. You know what I mean? That's like one example. The other one, okay, I had quit maybe five or six years ago. I quit for a year and a half. Um, I moved to the other side of the country. I like, got my real estate license in two different states. I was like, trying to do all this stuff. I worked for, I will say the name of our company because [ __ ] them, but I worked for Keller Williams for all of one month and then I guess somebody anonymously called in and told them like that I was an adult actress or some [ __ ] and they fired me and [ __ ] after I had spent $10,000 on like all their marketing [ __ ] and all this like, and, and I had like, you know, moved across this the country, like changed my life, changed the way I look, like bought different clothes, like everything, like trying to live it like a better life. And the reasoning that they had was that this is a Christian company and your past doesn't align with our morals.

Didn't that come out in the background check?

Well, it's not a [ __ ] background. It's, it's not illegal and it wasn't a question on the application, you know? It's like, they're like, "Well, why didn't you tell us?" Like, why would I [ __ ] tell you that? Like, hey, by the way, like, I'd like to work here, but I used to suck dick for a living. Like, like that doesn't, didn't seem like a pertinent information. But the fact that they tried to say that this is a Christian company and that's why me trying to change my life is not welcome. And I was like, "Well, that's about the least Christian thing I've ever [ __ ] heard."

Just so you know that like, that's a good way to look at it. Like it was me trying to change my life and you said, "No, go back to porn. We don't want you." And so it's like society is like, "Yeah, change, like, but not in my backyard." Like, it's the same with drug addicts. It's like, "Yeah, get clean, but I don't want to [ __ ] help you." Or homeless people. Homeless people need to be helped, but nobody's moving them into their [ __ ] house.

Well, okay. Let me, okay, let me take a step back because you said a lot and, and I think I can go on on a.

No, no, no. Alicia, I love this [ __ ]. Let me just kind of tackle it like one segment at a time. Let's first start with, um, most recent work our way back. So, with regards to like truly helping people, I think that you are correct in the hypocrisy of the masses where a lot of times people with means will say certain things because it seems to be the progressive thing to say or the correct thought to have, like, yes, I want to help homeless people, but you know, the HOA of that community will be the first person that tells you like, we don't want to build low-income, uh, housing in our neighborhood because it's gonna diminish the value of our real estate. Okay, fine. But then don't [ __ ] sit there on Instagram and be like, "These people need homes." Or specifically with regards to Christianity, we said this before and I'll say it on the record as well. Religion, a lot of times gets a, um, an easy access to the word hypocrisy because it is by the same side, or sorry, the opposite side of the same sword. So, like on one side of that blade, you have like, I am a creature of sin. I am, you know, flawed by design and from birth, I will never be perfect. And in the beauty of religion, it is the one way that we can find redemption, true prosperity, and happiness outside of this mortal coil. So, it's like, does this, the duality of the situation, does it lead to hypocrisy? Someone that preaches something but then lives a certain way? Absolutely. Very often, I would say more often than not. But I would still rather live in that world where the person is allowed to be a hypocrite and religion still exists, then, then what everybody is just think about it. If I owned a, a real estate company and I found out some girl like worked in the industry or whatever, and like, I don't, I mean, I wouldn't fire personally, but I can kind of understand. They don't know who I am. They don't know anything about me. A lot of the girls in the industry are [ __ ] psychos and they would be like, trying to suck their client's dicks for.

You know, can I say something that sounds super ignorant?

Yes.

If I'm the manager of that company or business or whatever, I would make them a lot of money. How many houses did you sell?

I sold a house in the first month that I was doing real estate, which is like almost unheard of. Actually, two.

Hollow. Yeah. But I, I think I could have done pretty well. Um, I'm glad it didn't work out 'cause I have too much stress for to be in that [ __ ] that is too high stress of a job for me. So, I'm, I am glad in retrospect, but it broke my heart at the time. And I like, I had to end up going back to the to working and I, I had moved to the other side of the country.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Let's take a step back. So, there was a moment in time where you were trying to leave the industry, trying to sell real estate and get into the real estate and started that soap company in that time.

Yes. And then you were like, okay, this is gonna be my exodus from this past life to this new life. And then right when you thought, you know, three, four weeks in, you're like, okay, smooth sailings. I already sold a house. This is gonna be my new life. Boom. Email came down. Alicia, go [ __ ] yourself.

Yeah. Well, and it was like, I had just boughten myself a house. I bought my mother a house. I like, the amount of bills that I had were not something I could just go work at McDonald's. I'm not gonna unhouse my mother. I've been supporting her for a long time now. I'm not gonna just stop doing that. Um, and especially at the time, and I was not in any way religious, um, then, but I, I mean, still, like, I would, I would sacrifice for my family. Like, that's just something that I would do. God bless. Um, even if that like, you know, if I got a sin to like, keep my mom off the street, like, I would [ __ ] do it. Like, whether that's right or wrong, like, you know, I've had people tell me that's not right.

But this is where I was gonna get. The Bible also says we're supposed to take care of our parents.

Well, that's what, that's what I was gonna say. It's, it's, do you feel like by, I'm not trying to get too religious on your here, but okay, I'm just gonna ask the question and people might get angry. So, they're gonna get angry no matter what.

Fair. Especially with me on here.

You think so?

Yeah. You're gonna, they're gonna be talking [ __ ].

That's fine. Nobody wants to hear a porn star. Sorry, a porn star talk about religion.

Well, there's a lot of other hypocrites that do.

Well, I know. But it's, yeah. So, I guess what I'm trying to ask is, um, by one stretch of this, uh, anecdotal piece of evidence that we're discussing right now, it's like, you know, religion preaches acceptance for one another, to take on the responsibility, the duties of whatever it is that life throws at us in a moral way. How do we kind of justify those morals? Well, through the book, through the word of God, right? So, it's like, is there sin? Yes. But what is like, one of the core tenants of the Bible? He without sin, cast the first stone. Well, I'm not without sin. I can [ __ ] cast my stone. So, do you think that sometimes people can mean well, but have to do certain acts in order to get to that end goal of quote unquote meaning well?

You mean like in my, your situation, personal situation could be one, but I mean, okay, let me put it to you this way. I'm not supposed to kill, right? But if I sign my name off to the military and I go over to the Middle East and I.

Right. Or if you lock in on some dude, a child, like what are we gonna do? Yeah. Is that the wrong thing? Are things that I'm not supposed to do to kill the person?

I'm sorry, that just, I mean, I think the Bible actually validates that. There's a whole passage about that people should rather, you know, put a.

I guess what I'm trying to say is like, there are pieces that are contradictory, right? And I don't believe that it is on accident that it is contradictory. I think life is difficult and I think there are fifty shades of gray and there are certain things that are quote unquote bad or good, but it's like, if you murder a murderer, is that bad? If you.

I wouldn't say. I, I have to say I disagree with the, I don't think that the Bible's contradictory. I think that it is, I think that we don't understand nearly what we think we do. And so people have like decided they have this book and they have this, this amount of words and they've like taken that and like made it mean a whole bunch of other things that they don't know that it means, you know, like, you know, like I had gotten in a, a discussion with someone about like birth control and I'm like, well, it doesn't say nothing about birth control in the damn Bible, you know? So, we're, we're taking like something that said something and then like trying to stretch that into a whole bunch of other things that like, it's hard to say now. Like, even like this, like wine. I heard, um, John MacArthur, a pastor in, um, Sun Valley, talking about wine and like the biblical wine that it was like fermented for three days and like cut with water, like eight times and boiled and that's what they meant by wine. And so people are like, well, they drink wine in the Bible, so it's okay to drink wine. And his point was like, the, there is no similarity to the wine that we drink now versus what they're talking about in the Bible. In the, in those times, it was cleaner, it was healthier to drink wine than fermentation because it eliminated all the dysentery.

Wine, right? So, like, I mean, it wasn't clean. The water, they didn't have water filters. So, it's, I think that like, you have to keep in mind when these things were said, what were they, you know, who were they?

Context of time. Yes. Um, and, and who like, you know, a lot of Paul's writings, like who, who he's talking to when he says does all these things. So, people are taking things very literally and other things they decide aren't literal. So, you know, people like to pick and choose what stuff they want to believe out of the Bible like, "Oh, well, that part's just, uh, hypothetical." Like, like, who decided that? Like, I guess there's some science to it supposedly. But to me, I'm like, I don't know. I'm reading the same words as you and hearing like a whole different [ __ ] thing. So, I, and I'm not illiterate. I'm not saying I'm the smartest person in the world, but I'm literate. And so, I'm like, I don't understand how we're reading the same little, you know, passage, but getting two completely different outlets.

ing to like the opposite thing, you know, out of it. Like, and I'm not saying that I'm right, but it, it is confusing. And so, I think that like, you know, God has given us what he's given us. And he obviously, I think he didn't make it all that clear for a reason. Um, because there is human error and there is, uh, free will to whatever extent. And, and he gives us enough rope to hang ourselves, you know?

Well, if we're told what to do, then where is our autonomy? Where is our free will? Right.

Well, and I, I think that, I don't remember if this was like something somebody said or if it was actually in the Bible because I do not know how to quote the whole Bible.

Neither do I.

But I, I mean, I, I think I, I heard something about like, to the extent of, um, that God gives us free will because he wants us to choose him. Like, he could just make us all bow to him and do whatever he wants, right? But he wants us to love him and to choose to turn to him. Um, and so that would go with like, our actions. Otherwise, I think, you know, like, yes, we're, you know, people say like, well, if there's a God, why does evil exist? Or why does, you know, you know, I think that's a hard question. But also, like, if we weren't allowed to do evil things, then why would we need Jesus? Why would religion matter? Why would we need God at all? Like, I think that throughout the Bible, God gave people all the room they needed to hang themselves. And a lot of them did. Most of them did.

I think everybody does, really. That's Old Testament. New Testament is.

But still, there's a lot of people [ __ ]. You know, you give them enough rope and they hang themselves. Um, I, I think though, and, and I, I do enjoy what you said about like, actually, it's not that contradictory. You're absolutely correct. Perhaps contradictory was the incorrect verbiage to use. I guess the interpretation of the Bible depending on your denomination, your following, your background, what have you, can be different. And, and I've heard many people tell me that like, it's not the word of God. It's usually the one like presenting it or trying to transcribe it for you. Perhaps you have a pastor that isn't the most right.

There's plenty of those. Yeah. You kind of know where I'm going with this one. Perhaps it's not necessarily the message, but the messenger.

Duly noted. I think there's also like different life experiences. Like, um, the passage about like, uh, spare the rod, right? I've gotten in a lot of arguments with people about this. When I hear that, I grew up in a, a very abusive family. When I hear about that, I'm like, I don't think God's saying to beat your kid with a stick. I'm sorry. Like, I don't, you know, even like spanking, I see a different thing in my head than some other people do, you know, because of what I associate that word with, you know. So, it's like, even some stuff just based on our own personal experience, like my husband had a very different experience with spanking than I did. Uh, to me, that's absolute hell no, because my father was horrible and abusive and enraged and nothing that he did made any better. All the only, to me, you know, so in my opinion, the only thing that spanking can do is possibly have like, cause harm. And there are much easier ways to cause change that don't potentially have these, you know, side effects of like having all this harm or your child feeling like they're being abused, whether or not you intend to abuse them.

Um, if I had a boy first, I would have disagreed with you. But because I have a daughter first, I agree with you 100%. I used to think that I was going to be like the, the disciplinary before I had my first kid and my only kid right now, hopefully not for soon or for long. Um, I used to think to myself like, I'm gonna mold this because for some reason, I think we see ourselves in our kids, right? So I was like, I'm gonna have a son. I'm gonna mold him in my image. He's gonna be me but better. Like me but smarter. Yeah. But how narcissistic is that?

Incredibly so. And this is why I think I had a daughter. I, I'm telling you right now, Alicia, if you would have met me three years ago, I am a fundamentally different person for having a daughter one and having a daughter first because it just eliminated a lot of this ego that I had of like, I'm this much.

Smack your daughter?

No, no, no, no. Not smack my daughter. But, you know, if I would have had a son, I'm telling you right now, I would have had a completely different thing on spanking in general, right? But because I have a daughter, I, I cannot bring myself to harm her physically. So I think to myself, okay, I, I'm not gonna be able to like, physically, um, harm you to get this lesson across. So, like, our daughter is two and a half, so this is like, you know, I get it that she's a little kid, but, and maybe it's biased 'cause she's my daughter. I cannot explain to you how much I enjoy the conversation that I have with her. Like, baby, that's bad. That's. I can see the look on her face. I'm like, okay, this is a time, this is an opportunity for me to orate. Why? Why is this bad? Not this is bad. Daddy said no. Like, you took that from the kid. Like, well, don't you like your dolls? Like, well, how would you feel if I took your doll? And I know that she's little, but I can already see those wheels spinning. And my hope, maybe I'm incorrect. And in like, two and a half years, I'm like, Alicia, I don't know what the [ __ ] I was talking about, right? But my hope is by the time she's five, that she actually knows. She's like, "Hey, I remember when, you know, I don't want my doll being taken, so I'm not gonna take their doll." Like, that, that golden rule of treat others how you would want to be treated. I don't, I often say this with interactions with other men, if like, if I have to resort to violence, physically make you act the way I do, that I have not articulated my, my, um, argument properly. And that extends to parenting. And, and so I'm, I'm going to just go ahead and say that I'm not, like, and I don't know, I'm not like talking crap about people who spank their kids. However, I think that there's a time and a place for everything. Yes. I think that like, if your child runs out in front of a car, uh, they need to have a traumatic experience so that they don't ever [ __ ] do that again. Um, now your child hits your other child, so you hit that child. What are you showing them? Yeah. I don't know what lesson you think you're.

Don't hit by hitting. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot of. And there's also a lot of like, you know, I happen to be very well-versed in like sexual dysfunction, right? And there's a lot of stuff like from spanking kids that like causes sexual problems later in life. Like, avoid getting his first boner like while he's getting a spanking from his mom. Like, that could potentially, I didn't even know these things, right? So, that's something that could possibly happen. And now he associates sex with not only his mom but with getting spanked, right? Or, or spanking someone else or, or whatever it is. And, and that's just like one slippery slope because everyone looks crazy. Yeah. But, but there's also like, little kids can experience, can have sexual experiences. And so, and spanking is kind of sexual. I'm sorry. Like, it is, your vagina is like real close to your butt. I'm just saying like, that's.

So glad I don't spank my daughter.

Yes. I'm just saying, and I'm not saying that I think that people who spank their kids are pedophiles. I'm just saying that there are possible outcomes that are really, really bad.

It's the context. It's the context. Right. And I, again, I think there are c, like very specific situations where I think it's necessary. But for the most part, like you said, like trying to actually explain to your child the difference between right and wrong. Not just telling them this is right, this is wrong and like, you must obey me. I think it is probably, I mean, I'm no one to talk about parenting. I don't have any [ __ ] kids. I have three step kids that I'm like, terrified of.

But, no, but you've taken on that responsibility. What I, what I do know.

Hold up though. No, no, hold up though. You've taken on that responsibility. There are a lot of people that would not talk to any man. What's the number one thing they'll say is like, I don't want to be a stepdad, you know? So, you've taken on three kids that aren't, uh, that you didn't carry, right? Yet, you've taken on that responsibility. I think that's, that, I think that's like an accolade. I think that's something respectable. So you say that like you're not a parent, but like with, with respect, that's not true. You, you technically are.

Yeah. I mean, I would like, I'm so scared of those kids. Like, I, they don't ever know like when I'm mad at them because I'm so scared to raise my voice, uh, that I'm just completely monotone all the time. And so, like, it's confusing for them. But like, my dad was such a piece of [ __ ], I don't know how to parent, but I know how I know all the things not to do. And so I'm so scared to do those things. I don't want to be, you know, later in their lives like the somebody that they look back on and like, that was my steparent who just stood by while these things happened and didn't do anything or, you know, like, whatever it is. It's, it's like, we, we think that everything's fine while it's happening, but like, these kids are our, our kids are six, seven, and, and 12. Like, I didn't know [ __ ] when I was six, seven, and 12. By the time I was 13, 14, 15, all of my parents' mistakes started manifesting themselves in my actions, you know? And it's like, so we might think everything's great, but like, yeah, sure, it looks great when they're seven. You don't know what kind of monster you're making.

Correct. But vice versa, you could also have like, maybe perhaps you think you did it wrong and then they hit 18, 19, 20. They have that renaissance because I, I'll tell you this for myself, like personal anecdotal thing, like I was a little [ __ ] until I wasn't. You know what I mean? And then I hit my stride. But if you would have looked at me 14, 15, 16, 17, this kid's all he cares about is sports and girls and and partying and doing all the wrong [ __ ]. Right? And then boom, like it's like as if something just happened and clicked and I was like, "Okay, no, like left instead of right, zig instead of zag." And then I chose a better path. I guess what I'm trying to say is like, you're not incorrect in your assertion of parenting. And I actually agree with you 100%. Like parenting is so [ __ ] hard because like there was no class on it. There's no. And even if there was, there's no one.

Drive a car, but they're like, here, have as many kids as you want.

Fair. But here's what I'm gonna say about parenting. Every, just like everybody as an adult is different. So, like, some things might work, some things might not. Same with kids. I'm, I can tell you right now, I am actively figuring it out. I had an idea of what it would be. The application has been completely different and I'm just rolling with the punches. And I don't know. And this is the, the most maddening part of this is, I don't know if I'm right. Maybe I should spank her. Maybe I should. I won't know until she's 18, 19, 20.

Well, my point was that that was like my personal experience. Um, skews my view on that to the like, probably to a very unrealistic extent. Whereas, you know, my husband's the complete opposite and he was spanked. He didn't think there was anything wrong with it. He thinks it's a valid thing, you know, and he's not wrong either, you know, but we have very different. When he says the word spank, I hear a different thing than what he's saying because of your lived experience.

Because of my experience, which is not like a, like a calm, like you did something wrong, this is what you did. This is why you're getting, you know, my dad was a psycho. He would like, you know, lose his mind over my brother like dropped the the guacamole or something and like [ __ ] you know, beat the [ __ ] out of him or whatever. And like it was an accident and like nobody, like you never even knew it was coming. And so like, yeah, my experiences shape my views on things and, you know, I think I know it's probably good like my husband and I that we kind of have such opposite views that like we're trying to meet, meet in the middle on some things, you know, but on like, especially parenting, like I'm so scared of kids, like I'm so scared to like [ __ ] one up because of how bad I turned out and how bad my brothers turned out, you know, like all, like if you want to talk about like nature and nurture, like you look at my family and you're like, okay, that's definitely nurture, you know, like 'cause we all turned out like [ __ ].

But, but let me, I want to be careful how I say this. I think that people can be ju, just by, okay, people can be hurt young people can be hurt by having like that silver spoon in their mouth and living in this echo chamber of like bubble wrap, right? Where like the real world hasn't really pierced that armor. Vice versa, I think the opposite can happen where like, if you, if you introduce too much trauma too soon under a short amount of time, you can also [ __ ] up a kid. There are many ways to do this wrong that I think sometimes are hyperfocused. I think there are more ways to get it right.

Do you?

I do. Yeah. I guess like all I've seen is like really the worst case scenarios with everybody kind of not just my brothers, but like I was a drug addict and homeless for a long time and then I was in that industry where there's a lot of people with a lot of mental issues and like pretty much all I've been around my whole life are people with problems. And that I was in recovery in NA for like ever. And so it's a bunch of drug addicts who are clean, but they're still drug addicts. All I've known pretty much my whole life is like the scum of society.

And I could say the exact same thing about finance. Oh, yeah. I could say the exact same thing about. And I say scum of society with a grain of salt because I think that a lot of addicts are a lot more honest than a lot of people.

I agree. Like, at least I admit to all the [ __ ]. I can't tell you how many times we've gone to lunch and the people do like a bump, have a, have a healthy adult cry in the parking lot and they get back in for the next four hours of their day and then cheat on their wife. And then.

Dude, I, I said it off the record. I'll say it on. I don't know a single person over a like, if they make over two and a half million a year. I don't know a single married man who's honest to his wife.

I feel like it's two and a half, thousand. Like, 200,000. I mean, I think it's a lot lower. I wouldn't say that much. Listen, I, I, I think you might be skewed on this one though. I think you might be sked. That's another one where like, yeah, I, I feature danced. I, I went all over the country dancing as feature dance. It's like stripping. Yes. But, but I didn't work at a club. People would pay me to show up and so then I would like dance. It was like a whole.

No one's [ __ ] paying me to show up. I know. And I can't even dance for [ __ ]. So, it was funny. But, but I would. And I think I think strip clubs are way grosser than corn, too. You know, to to be fair.

'Cause I be honest with you, I agree. Yeah. They're. It's terrible. But they also, the difference is like somebody's buying you. Like in, in the industry, we're both being paid to be there. Like, I'm not being bought. I'm being paid to put on a performance. But both people.

Are Can you elaborate what you mean by someone is buying you? Forgive me, cuz I don't know if I I don't know if I agree or disagree. They're paying you specifically for a certain act, right? For a certain act that they are not being they're there to enjoy it. They're they're buying you. They're buying your time. They're buying your whatever you end up doing. I do. I do agree. And there's a lot more that goes on as strip clubs than the lap dances. I'm sure we all know.

Yeah. Um, can I tell you something? And I and I don't know if you're going to think of me as like weird or something. Totally. I already think of you as weird. Fair. I You want to know why I can't vibe with strip clubs more than anything? I don't know if it's just the way I was raised or whatever. I have no like I told you this financially conservative, socially liberal. I have no problem if two consenting adults want to get into whatever they want to do. But the reason I don't like strip clubs is I I never liked the idea of like paying someone to touch me. If these girls make sense, listen, if these men had any idea how much those girls [ __ ] hate them, they wouldn't be giving them their money. You think? Oh, I know. Because I think you'd be wrong. I think some men don't I think some men don't give a [ __ ]. I think I think it's the I think it's a power. The ones that think that they're like they're dating these strippers and they give them all this money and buy them cars and like I mean, there's like it's the same thing with like some of the guys in the porn the corn fans. Sorry. Um, sorry, YouTube. Let me I might do like a like an audio like like static Microsoft Tom corn every time. Just like put the corn emoji over my face. Write it on the face. Not every hero wears a cape. Yeah.

Um, no, but I think that Yeah, I I think that's true, too. There are some people who get off on humiliating women and buy they like the idea that they can buy a woman. And that's why I I think I think it's a microcosm of losers. So, like they go to corporate America and they get [ __ ] on by middle management who gets [ __ ] on by like this the guys who who like the guys who like the lawyers and [ __ ] who want to actually get like they go to dominatrix and like their balls. Oh Jesus. Businessmen like are always like want to get like beat up by someone. That is a thing. That is a thing. Oh yeah. But it's funny. But but anyways, my point about like the feature dancing is that like yeah, I've seen some of the ugliest [ __ ] and these people, you know, half of them have wedding rings on. They're getting a [ __ ] from some stripper in the back for 20 bucks. Uh, there was one time I was I danced and then the next morning I went to like a restaurant. I was leaving. I was flying that out that morning and I went to a restaurant and I see this guy that was there with his [ __ ] wife and his kids and I'm just like, "No." Yeah. It was just so gross to me and I was just like, "Did you say something to him?" No, I should have. Now, I mean, at the time, well, not in front of them cuz I should have said it in front of them. I don't know about that one. [ __ ] Why not? I don't know about that one, dude. And now I'm like I'm telling on everybody like, "You [ __ ] cheat on your wife. Don't tell me about it because I'm [ __ ] If he's if he's the one getting the BJ in the back, that's what I'm saying." But like, [ __ ] dude. Isn't it Isn't there that weird paradigm of like you don't want to ruin a household? I'm not the one that ruined it. Fair, man. He [ __ ] ruined it. I mean, and and at the time when I was in that industry, it was like it's part of the job to keep your mouth shut, you know? I'm not I wasn't telling on people, but now I'm like, "You want to send me a dickpick? I'll send it right to your [ __ ] wife. Like, have fun with that. Like, I don't check my DMs. So, like, I haven't seen any of your dick pics. Haha. Sorry. Open. There's like a like an ocean of men going, "Oh, they're like they're like I mean, I sent her so many. I thought she was loving them. Sorry. I've seen enough dicks. Like, they're not impressive to me." Like, a ocean of men just sighing like the way that like they take them to like you guys. Dude, Whitney Whitney told me that that's a business and I was blown away. It's uh uh ratings. Ratings. Ratings. Oh, yeah. You got to learn to read these people cuz you got to get them to want you to buy another one. So, you got to like know if they want like there are guys who want you to humiliate them. You have to like figure out what it is that they want. Yeah. Like you have to like try to figure out it's not that small. None of it's Yeah. None of it's honest. Like you just have to say what you think that they want to hear to give you more money. And like I mean and that's the reality of the industry. And like men, there's the men that understand that. And there's the men who really think that like I I mean, and I don't want to blow it for them. Like if that's the only intimacy that they're going to get in their life, like I don't want to ruin it, you know?

But do do you mind if we Okay, so forgive me because I don't want to do like whiplash about like changing topics, but one of the things I did want to talk to you about is just that industry, its its role in both the micro and the macro. Both its role in individuals such as yourself. It allowed for a certain lifestyle for you. It allowed for a path of financial prosperity, but like also at the at the macro level like you know, has it hurt more people than it's provided for? Has it caused more division and more strife than it has for coming together and and prosperity? So let me start with this question broad. Do you think that porn has porn I'm I'm now he's got marks too. It's going to be a bunch of editing. Do you think that the corn industry has been a net neutral, meaning no difference? Either way, positive or negative? Absolutely negative. Absolutely negative. Um, I think like we were talking about before before this podcast started, we were talking about like, you know, whatever 40 years ago when they had like, you know, uh, porn magazines, magazines that were just naked women who were like of age and looked like he Yeah. But it's like at some point we lost the ability to jerk off to like a grown woman. And so now we need a girl with braces who looks like she's 12. Bold of you to know what I can jerk off to. If you want to see No, the amount the numbers the numbers of what sells. Nobody wants to see two grown-ups that aren't related have sex. Let me tell you, that's kind of it is what it is. It's a reflection of needing to up the ant. Yes.

So, this is the thing like what I've I've tried to tell people this like my whole career because I learned it myself really early on that like I have to like re like reset, you know, like you you you can't just watch weirder and weirder and weirder [ __ ]. At some point there's a line where you're going to have you're going to cross a line, you know, and into something that's illegal or something that's like horribly wrong, you know, and so but people forgive me. Can you elaborate on what it is that you're saying? Because some people might be listening to this and go, "What are you talking about?" Yeah. So, so some maybe like people start off watching like a girl girl video and like that's enough for them and then all of a sudden that's enough. Now they need like a boy girl. Now they want to watch a gang bang. Now they want to watch like a scene. Now they want to watch like whatever it the only thing that that leads to eventually is kids and and animals, you know, or like violent like that are that are real, you know, it gets to the point where like now these acts are illegal by our society, right? And and morally incorrect. And and I think that the comprehensible Yes. I think that the industry pushes that boundary very very very closely. On purpose or by accident? Absolutely. On purpose. They put these like man when I came back to the industry like after I had quit for a couple years they had like this guy I don't even remember his name. I wouldn't say it, but he looked like he was like eight with Down syndrome and like and he was like one of the major like browser stars and like they put him in a little backpack and and I'm like dude this is likeward legal ped this is legal pedophilia and anybody who works with that kid he was 27 but he looked like he was a child and I'm like anybody who works with that person like I So they were going for a specific look. Oh yeah. And and they did that a lot. It's it's usually I mean a lot of it's the other way around. They want the girls that look super young and with the their [ __ ] daddy or whatever and like I So I did plenty of those scenes, but I didn't when we say forgive me when we say super young because the majority they're legal. Yes, there the girls who actually work in my industry, my old industry are they're illegal. There is also a bunch of [ __ ] that's not legal that's not our industry. It's just illegally made [ __ ] of underage women that are all over porno. And so either way, I didn't know any of this either. It's [ __ ] terrible. It's so bad. But um they got in a lot of trouble recently. I had to delete like Pornhub the the companies everybody is actually better now. Pornhub I guess I I think we can say the name of a company. Yeah, it is a company. Okay. So they are actually better now because they had to delete like more than half of their content because Wow. Yeah. Because when was this Visa and a couple years ago Visa and Mastercard had cut them off because they're like there's we're not going to supply this child stuff. Yeah. I did not know that. So they had to go through and like get rid of everything that wasn't like very legally uploaded with IDs and all this stuff and everybody knows who everybody in the scene is and and so it's actually the better place to go now or it was at least a couple years ago. Um, yeah, Laura's like XNXX and all those other like dude I have stumbled across some stuff. I'm like, I don't think this is I don't think that girl is old enough, you know, but it's hard to tell because I've met some of these girls that are porn stars and I'm like, please stop. You're too young. I mean, even if you look even if you're 36, you look like you're eight. Like, you're this is not okay. Like, do you realize who you're pandering to? Yeah. And then there's the argument like people slippery slope, right? Yes. So, I've done plenty of like daddy daughter stuff, but like I look like I'm [ __ ] 40. I'm covered in tattoos and I had like huge fake tits that I don't have anymore. But I was like, "Nobody's being fooled by this." Like, so I didn't feel uncomfortable with that when they wanted. I don't know. I don't know if you can adequately say that. What do you mean that nobody's being fooled by this? I mean that nobody thinks I'm underage. That's what I'm saying. Forgive me. Forgive me. Yes. Nobody Nobody is like confused that I'm actually fantasizing. Yeah. They're not fantasizing that. They're like this is a horror like win pigtails. Like now when they try to have me do the other stuff, the like stepmom stuff, I was a lot I didn't I may have done like one or two scenes and I was like that's [ __ ] up and I'm not doing it. Um, because that is more believable. And I think that that's totally wrong and it's not something that needs to be pushed and it's all that's pushed really. It's like incest, like age differences. like nobody wants to watch two grown adults like have sex with each other.

While I agree with everything that you're saying, I will kind of do devil's advocate because uh I I I just want to hear what your opinion on this could possibly be. I know that for me I'm I'm I'm a man. You're a woman. Obviously different sexes, different genders, but don't assume my gender. Very fair. Very fair. I believe just kidding. By physical uh appearance, I think. No, listen. How bigoted of me? I should be I'm sure the whole world knows I have a listen as we leave I'll get flogged on the streets don't worry uh you know my upbringing I was the younger brother of a brother so like my brother was three and a half years older than me okay and I got all the benefits thereof because essentially what would happen is if like you know he snuck in a magazine or he well once we got a home computer like when I was like four he was eight um it only took a certain amount of time before certain websites started to get brought up um I will say that like like I'm I'm saying this not for devil's advocate, but I'm saying this for anecdotal piece of evidence that pornography actually helped me as a young man navigate those waters in a multitude of ways. One, when it was time for me to be physically active with a woman, I felt more educated. I had seen a couple of things. Now, to the extent of what you're talking about, like all this other stuff, dude, I'm talking about like missionary. You know what I mean? Okay, I'm trying not to interrupt you, but go ahead. back when, no offense, we're the same age, around the same age. I'm talking I'm talking like 2009. When we were when we were growing up, what was available on the internet and and our availability to access the internet was so slim that it was different. Kids have smartphones when they're eight. Well, I think it's crazy how it's on social media. I will say that it's everywhere. There's no paywall to get to like these Twitter is Twitter insane. Yeah. It's every it's so available and they can't even help but find it. Even if they weren't looking for it, they couldn't help but stumble across it and they're too young and the the the topics that are now like it's not, you know, like back in Jennis Jenna Jameson era, it was like an a 20some year old woman and like a grown man with, you know, two people having sex with each other. Not the end of the world. That's not what porn is anymore. But even then though, you had to go look for it. You didn't stumble upon It's not it's not stumbling. You're not stumbling upon it when you're eight. I have a a Twitter account that I will not say because I I'm a consumer of not an attributor to, right? And I get like I I follow the markets a lot. So like Twitter is like my way to get news, like really up-to-date news of like what I'm going to do with the market, right? So like I'll be like, "Okay, Trump just bombed Yemen next, you know, uh uh the House is going to do this. Okay, this bill." Then like literally I'll be scrolling. Those are my two things. The third one will be like some girl getting her back blown out and I'm just like what is my algorithm? Like like by the way algorithms that's another but here's the thing. But here's the thing I'm going to say though. So like this this Twitter account has zero followers. Zero I don't follow anybody right. It's like just mine to look at certain things. Actually that's a lie. No I do follow look at certain photos. Maybe. Okay. So maybe I'm a freak and I just don't know it. Yes. But that's the thing. You can go to somebody's Instagram explore feed and know who they really are. I don't know though because here's here's what I'm going to say. This is anecdotal so perhaps I'm wrong. Like the amount of time I'm I'm just thinking out loud. The amount of time that I spend reading an article or listening to like the news it is vastly disproportional like the amount of time I spend doing that than the time I'm scrolling. I'm like, "Oh my god, this girl's getting her back." When you just described it, you described plenty of a whole bunch of news articles and then some girls. So that makes sense. You spend more time reading news articles. That's the majority of what you see. But you also evidently like to look at girls wearing their black belt. And I don't want to sound like I don't. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I don't want to sound like I'm I'm like PC. I'm only 32 years old. You know what I mean? Like I'm I'm not like so old that like I'm not uh like I'm ignorant to these things. But like I I guess what I'm trying to say is I have a daughter. So like I think to myself like what is acceptable? What's not acceptable? I'm not an idiot. Like do I want her to like wait until marriage? Absolutely. Please God. But do I think the odds are in that favor? Probably not. Even if I'm the best dad in the [ __ ] world, you know what I mean? [ __ ] happens. So, what I will say is like what I think to myself is like, okay, what was the ease of access to this? I'm literally not looking for that. If I'm going on Pornhub and I'm getting that really quick, would you like her cuz you said earlier that you learned how to you felt more comfortable about what to do during sex from watching porn. Would you like your daughter to learn how to do sex from porn? Do you think that that's how she should be taught of how she should act? Sorry. I mean, she's two and a half. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not It's not that it's weird. What you're asking me is like as a as a father. Thank you. [ __ ] what you're essentially asking me is like you benefited from some of the things that you had seen in your youth. You probably did not learn how to eat [ __ ]. I actually learned that from a YouTube video. Yeah. Well, I made a I have a video on Pornhub of me fully dressed explaining with a [ __ ] diagram how to eat [ __ ] because it pisses me off because people watch porn and think that they're we're doing stuff for camera angles that looks good. No, no, but let me let me let me retort this though. So, so your initial inquiry was like, would I want my daughter to learn from other things? Well, here's the thing. Who who else is going to teach her? Okay. No, no, but let me give you that a caveat. I sought that information out. So, like when I'm learning to go down on a woman, I'm going on YouTube and it's not like they're hitting me with graphic novels. So, I think there's a way to do both. I think there's a way to educate without necessarily indoctrinating. Right. But corn is not an educational video. No part of it should be looked at as what so much of it is completely unrealistic. The amount of things that I have done with my body, a a teenage girl should not do the things with their body that I have done with my body. Um, it's absolutely inappropriate. They should not look Boys are watching like girls get like double anal and thinking that they they should be able to do that to their 16-year-old girlfriend. That's completely unacceptable. That's that's a stretch. No pun intended. That's Yeah, that's a but that's entirely un uncool. So, if you're going to use I mean I believe that there should be like I mean did you see that movie the the girl next door with Alicia Cuthbert or whatever? Oh my god. I'm sorry. Well, a very old movie. Anyways, educate me. the girl the girl's a like used to be a porn star and then she quits and then she's like meets this guy at high school and like they're dating and like it's like a whole I don't know it's a great movie but anyways um they end up doing this he the boy ends up doing this like sexed video with porn stars uh that was like an actually like a sex ed video that people might actually watch. Yeah. It was like rather than like the [ __ ] they show you in high school that's like you don't want to you know like whatever it's okay. So like something like that that was actually made to be educational is different than like the stuff that we do in porn on film for money is not even physically possible for some you're correct. So let me go back to the original question that you asked me. Would I want my daughter to learn from porn? No. The the the ultimate answer to that question is no. But do I want her to have like sex education? Absolutely. Yes. But she shouldn't get that from the internet. I mean she shouldn't get it from porn. I also don't think that she should get it from a lot of like I know this goes back to honestly I hate to say this but I think she should get it from her parents. I agree. Well, here's the thing. It's not it's not binary. It's not like will she learn this from like me sitting down having a conversation with her and then her mom sitting down having a conversation with her. It's like a pie chart. And the way I think that it works best is actually like 50% me, 10% her friends, like whatever stupid stories they have, 30% like sex education through the schools, and like 10% porn. Because here's the thing. Yeah. Girls are having anal at nine nine years old now. Oh, well, uh, not legally. I know, but none of it's legal. You're not It's you can't legally have sex as a child. You can't consent until you're 16. Kids can have sex with kids. No, you cannot. Not legally. They absolutely They absolutely cannot. You cannot consent. You can't. The legal age of consent. So, if I'm like a 16-year-old and my girlfriend's a 16-year-old, in most states, 16 is the legal age of consent. This is going to sound so bad cuz it looks like I'm freaking like arguing like, "Hold up." Now, at least a minute. What I'm trying to say is at a c at a certain point, I was a teenager and I engaged in sex with another teenager and I felt like it was pretty consensual. It was about being consensual, but it's not legal technically. And I mean, I don't think anybody's getting in trouble. I never I never knew I was a criminal. Two 14-year-olds having sex with each other is not legal because neither one of them is legally able to consenting adult. I never thought about I never thought about people only think of it in the like I thought consent was like correct me if I'm wrong. I thought consent was like uh man why why am I arguing for this right now? I'm not arguing for the sake of Yes. I'm just trying to educate myself devil's advocate. So I'm 14 years old. I'm like hey me and my girlfriend at the time we want to engage in this act. And my girlfriend at the time was like hey I want to engage in this act. I never looked at that as like I was doing a wrong thing. I'm not saying that you were. I'm saying that it wasn't legal in the eyes of the greater municipality of Missouri. Yeah. It is not. It is not a bad boy. Yeah. In most states, some some states the legal age of consent is like 13. But but it's still like people think that like oh then like you can be 26 and six and screw a 13-year-old. Not true. You can be No one thinks that and screw a 13-y old. Yeah. Well, you know what? You know what I think is you say no one thinks that. Yeah. Yeah. I was about to I was about to catch myself cuz we both know Dustin Lampro. Like the rise the r No. No. Oh my god. Forgive me, Dustin. I didn't mean like that. Oh [ __ ] That's going to be bad. He catches. He catches the pedophile. He does the Lord's works. Forgive me. I I will be the first person. Dustin, I'm so sorry. Dustin is going to be like, "Yo, what the [ __ ] I'm catching strays. Uh I'll be the first person to tell you that like this new uh like Chris Hansen when I was uh uh little did this like thing on MSNBC called Dine." MS MSNBC and essentially Chris Hansen's job was like to be the pedophile catcher of like before the internet or while the internet was still nent before social media anyway. Now I mean you have Instagram pages and and and Facebook pages and Twitter pages dedicated to this by the way not just one like multiple and the and the lack of shortage of people that they're catching is astronomically crazy. They're saying it's up to 5% of the population are pedophiles. So if you think about the actual numbers there like it's pretty severe. Um now I believe that porn this is one of the things that I learned after years of doing it. I believe that porn directly I think that there are people who are born with a with a cross crosswiring in their like pedophilia can show a bone and brain scan. It's a crosswiring. Yeah. It's a crosswiring in your brain where like the the you know the little lumps in your brain and they like all do something different. Okay. So like one of them is the one that's like caring for somebody and the the sexual one are right next to each other and they are crossed. Oh, so the motherly instinct is crossed with the sex the sexual instinct. So they're wrong that there is like actual genuine pedophilia that isn't I mean I'm not defending them but it's not their fault is actual brain chemistry thing and that's a thing and now there's also I believe a lot of people who have just like we were talking about earlier watched weirder and weirder [ __ ] until that's all they can get off on now. And so that's where porn comes in and destroys we [ __ ] this up so much at this point. I know it is what it is. Like [ __ ] you're just going to have to post this. No, it just won't be monetized. It's fine. Yeah. Well, that sucks. I'm enjoying the conversation. Yeah. Well, and it's good for these people to hear it because I like this is stuff that I would like society to understand even though they're not going to listen to me. Um especially as an ex corn star. Although I feel like I have more of a right to speak of it really because of the experiences that I've had. Like I if anybody knows [ __ ] Yeah. First expense. Yeah. Um with all of it with pedophilia. I mean not myself. I mean I was in child porn when I was a child. So, like I've, you know, I have like a whole wealth of experience about like all these things. And so, I feel like I have a I I of all people have a right to speak on it, of course. Um, more so than most people who think they have a right to speak on it and have no [ __ ] idea, you know.

Um, do you think that you're shunned out of the equation or out of the conversation? I'm shunned out of a lot of equations or situ like conversations. Yeah. I think because of what I did, but I also think that um those people aren't clicking on this video. Can I ask Can I tell you something that I I think you might find interesting. So, I've had You will be the 89th episode on this podcast. I've had 89 people on this podcast. Nice. You are the first person to stump me with a question. Huh? Seriously. And she even like responded to it cuz she realized it too. Wait, what did I stump you with? When you asked me like, "Is this how you want?" Yeah. And it's a very And it's very But it's a very good question. I think that I think that um ostracizing people or dismissing them is a reflection of a poor uh I want to be careful how I say this, forgive me. When you diminish someone else's input because you believe them to not necessarily be morally acceptable or perhaps intellectually acceptable, that's fine on face value, but then you still have to look at their argument and see if it has merit or weight. Yeah. So, like I could get a question from someone that I think is like the bottom of the bottom of the barrel of society, but if they bring up I don't you're not you're not that. But if they bring up a good point, right, that is that hits, right? You'll feel it nonetheless. Right. I feel like different people in different walks of life have more of a right to talk about certain things like the bottom of the barrel. Like if you bring a pedophile in here, they'd have a lot of really relevant things to say about pedophilia that they understand better than I do or anybody else does. I'm not saying you should, but I'm just saying there like somebody who was in my industry, I can have a lot more to say about my industry and how I think that it affects the world than somebody who just watches it because they don't they don't see the stuff that I see. They don't see the stuff behind the scenes. They don't see the reaction of the fans. They don't get the like the custom video requests that I get. It's sick the [ __ ] that people ask me to do. Is is there any part of it that is positive? I think that there is I don't even want to say yes, but I do I do believe that there is. I'm not saying like, you know, it's more positive than not, but but but someone listening to this might think, "Oh my god, this is a horror story." I don't think that that as a as a I don't think that corn as a whole like as a concept is necessarily harmful. I think it's the way that that money has Yeah. the way that it's progressed. The way that money like algorithms have shown companies what makes the most amount of money and they've pushed that way past the limits and they're now feeding into whatever like ingrained pedophilia. Maybe somebody didn't even know they were into that [ __ ] until they saw some [ __ ] [ __ ] video of a guy or a girl that looked like they were underage and they're like, "Oh." And they came harder than they ever did watching it and now they're like, "Oh, well, let me find more of that." And you know, they would have maybe never even [ __ ] known had they not stumbled across this like stuff that's crossed a line.

What about the argument that is being presented that says that the introduction or the uh ex uh the access to this content inhibits or prevents people from acting on their urges. As someone with a diagnosed on paper sex addiction plus a drug addiction plus whatever else, I'm a [ __ ] addicted to everything. Addicted to good vibes. Yes. No. Well, like from my and I want to almost say my professional experience, you can you cannot that's like asking a meth addict to smoke meth once a week. I don't know if that's I don't know I don't know if that's necessarily apples to apples. Okay, so sexually um if I want to if I want to uh so okay, here's a thing. Here's a personal anecdote. I like limps stuff like [ __ ] sleeping people. Okay. Something it that would be totally illegal if I engaged in in real life. Do you like sleeping people? Yes. Or being asleep and people doing stuff to me. Where I come from, that means like knocking somebody out like you slept someone. Forgive me. I was like, damn. I did not take you to violence. One of my my weird [ __ ] kinks. Like if I see a girl pass out at a party, like I want to put stuff in her like I know it's it's bad. The difference between me and I do that already. The difference is I I tell people this [ __ ] on the first day I meet them like in their hand. I don't know. I like I want to stuff him like a turkey like whatever. But but okay. But so so my my point is that's something that would be highly illegal and and immoral. Rightfully so. By the way, we do not condone that act. Yes. Because nobody can't consent to that. There is a way to preconent which I've delved in also like consensual non-conent. I'm learning so much about consent right now. There's a lot of there's a lot to learn about consent. But I'm under 18 can't. If I'm asleep can't, but I can preconent. Yes, you can preconent to being asleep. Um, I'mma pass out in court. I don't know if I would hold up. You know, you would still probably be called like Anyways, my point is that's something that like is interesting to me. I enjoy it. The more that I watch videos like that, the more I think about it, the more I want to be involved in it. When I've stopped watching porn and porn and not had anything to do with it and and you know, focused on like thinking about my husband when I jerk off, you know what I mean? It's my entire view on sexuality has differed. I used to need to watch stuff like that to come. Now I can like think about my husband jerking off and I'm like, you know, that's beautiful to me. That's like I [ __ ] arrived. I'm like to from where I came from to like be able to jerk off to my own husband. Like that's amazing. And I think that that's if you can't do that, there's a problem and you need to reset. you need to go watch two girls make out again until that works for you. You know, because that's the thing that people just keep getting deeper and deeper and deeper until they have nowhere to go.

Well, well, can I present to you a separate argument that and I said this off the record, but I'll say it on. So, the the University of Cambridge just came out with a a some sort of I don't know if you call it a poll or whatever some piece of data that essentially said that the most sexually active people in America today are married and religious people. So, of those that are engaging in sexual acts, overwhelmingly, it wasn't like a close second or anything. It's married quote and religious people. So, like I I know that you're saying that um you the threshold for you to uh experience orgasm has um d I'm trying very hard, Alicia. I'm trying very hard. has dropped to like what you would consider Stop [ __ ] laughing. To what I would consider admirable. Yes. to a a ladylike quality. Right. Right. Not that I'm a gentleman. Uh uh but what I'm trying to say is, you know, it seems like socially or society at least, the ones engaging in the most intimacy are those that are living the conservative lifestyle with each other. That's reported. Explain. Okay. Somebody whose children is not reporting that to the Cambridge University. Yeah. And and there opportunity. Okay. I think we've established that that's the minority of cases as well though, right? 5% of pedophiles. That's a lot of people. That is a lot of people. That is a lot. And the amount of like the amount of of reported um incidents are so I mean child molestation is so vastly under reportported especially for boys because boys whether it's a girl or if it's if it's a girl that if it's a woman that that people are like what are you a if it's a boy that them they're like you're a I want you to put this time stamp down. I'm going to have to edit the [ __ ] out of this. I'm sorry. No, but like keep going. That's an important point because there are so many boys that have gone through this um have gone through experiences like this who have never said a word about it because a girl gets sympathy for it. They get help. Everybody feels bad for them. When a boy does it, they're like, "What's wrong with you? Why didn't you like it?" Well, I'm a I'm a guy. I'm a guy. And I will show my hypocrisy on this one. Let's just say hypothetically speaking that that like when I was in high school, there was a teacher that engaged in certain act. First of all, let's talk about elementary school. Oh, okay. That's that's a little different. I mean, that's the nice thing about doing a pre-recorded show. You could take bathroom breaks whenever you want. Okay. There was I feel like we would do it if it was live anyway. Listen, guys, chill out. I got to pee. There was uh I have to be honest with you. There was a a structure that I was going to have for this conversation and we have derailed so much that at this point I'm I tried to warn you. No, no, no, no. I don't mean that as like a bad thing. I mean that as like I'm I'm having a good time. Yeah. I just want you to know that like this is not what I had planned. I I warn everybody that wants to do a podcast like listen when we end up talking about pedophiles. I promise it's like I don't know how it always I don't know how it always gets there but it does like it is what it is. Just move that closer to you. It's the it's the things that need like dude podcasts being like fun and entertaining are cool and all but like people need to hear this [ __ ]. Like they do because people think it doesn't affect them. It's like like like pedophilia is like some [ __ ] tiny little problem that has nothing to do with them. But like one in four women is raped. Like one in four girls are molested. Like and that's what's reported. And the boys they think is even higher than that. And it's like it's such a big [ __ ] Yeah. It's such a big [ __ ] problem because of under reporting. What do you mean under less than they think? Yes. Because of under reporting because boys don't say anything about it. And if they do their parents don't say anything about it. It's just not reported. I think for the most part probably young boys don't say anything about it. Um, especially if it's a man like we were talking about before. Um, because they feel all types of ways about it and it's like it breaks my [ __ ] heart, you know, because at least women get [ __ ] sympathy. Um, I can I can say as a man as a man I don't think sympathy is afforded to us because we're the arbiters of our own world, right? However, as a boy, I do agree with you that like they should be protected. Yeah. And nurtured. I've I've heard pedophiles say like about boys and girls like, "Well, what's the difference? They don't they don't see a difference because they're before they hit puberty, they're just it's the innocence that they want to [ __ ] do they want to [ __ ] destroy something that's innocent. And so they don't even see the difference between a boy or a girl because it's not, you know, a pedophile that [ __ ] a man, a little boy doesn't think that he's gay. Like, do you think that that I I have to ask this because I I I want to believe this that the general populace does not think about these things because they are not exposed to these things because it's not as prevalent as we think. However, it seems like everyone has a story. Listen, I think that the general populace and okay, I a couple years ago, I would have [ __ ] ranted about that. Like people are like, "Well, there's nothing I can do about it, so I don't want to think about it because it makes me too angry." I would have [ __ ] ranted about that a couple years later. Like I I [ __ ] feel the same way. I have like spent I spent four years trying to like find a solution to this problem. I wanted to make like a [ __ ] at least like a 800 number that like a [ __ ] pedophile can call like when he's if he's standing outside of school and doesn't want to do something shitty but like feels like he's going to and like that doesn't even exist in this country, you know? And like I tried for four years to come up with like a [ __ ] solution to any of this and all it did was like making me lose my [ __ ] mind, you know? And so here I am and I'm like I don't even want to [ __ ] think about it anymore because there's nothing I can do. Perhaps this is my ignorance, Alicia. There are a lot of things that I'm willing to give ground on like suicide hotlines for hotlines of other kinds. Like I'm willing to be like, "Hey, listen. You don't think there should be a hotline for pedophiles?" You said you said what the outcome for these people should be earlier on this podcast and I agreed with you 100%. Okay, but hold up. 90% 90% of pedophiles don't ever act on it. I'm saying pedophiles as people as in people who have the attraction to children. Okay. Okay. But here's what I'm gonna say. If if if every thought that every person has had at any in individual moment, you know, convicted them of the crime, then we'd all be guilty of everything all the time. There are people who are who would be brain scan pedophiles who spend their whole lives. There's a whole [ __ ] group called like virtue peds. that like it's people who are pedophiles who are who think it's horrific and and and they have a whole group of like the little support system between themselves where they talk about like ways to cope with and and not act on it and all this stuff and I have like utmost respect for those people because sexual urges are the hardest ones to not act on right so like I believe 100% but did they act on it those ones supposedly didn't okay if they supposedly didn't then they then they are not they should get no they are no because the difference is discipline acting on something makes you that thing. A pedophile means that you have an interest in I I would be I thought it was the act of No, that would be a child molester or rapist, right? So, so like I am a I don't know what it's called when you a somnophiliac. No, I think it's somnophilia when you want to [ __ ] sleeping people. Technically, I'm a somnophiliac. Have I ever sleeping person? No. Although I did touch my husband's dick one time while I was while I was sleeping and I [ __ ] came without even touching myself. But okay, that besides Oh my gosh. If you got edited that out. No, no, no. At this point, we're editing out half the conversation. Okay, but no. 90% of people who have the urge don't want to [ __ ] act on it. There's like 10% you have to It's like you have to be kind of a psychopath and a pedophile to like kids. Oh my gosh. Okay. Or there's or there's the people who just watch child porn because they think that that will you know like you were saying earlier that people think that if they like subdue the earth that it will disappear. But the problem is that like watching child porn makes you think about children more. It makes you think about sex more. And it sucks for these people because they have to go their whole lives without [ __ ] ever indulging in what they want. But also I'm like okay so like most men want like a supermodel. They don't get that. They get some like flabby like whatever whoever they end up their

wife. No offense to anybody who has like a flabby wife. I'm just saying nobody gets exactly what they want. And I'm like, pedophiles, like, it's kind of the same thing. Like, suck it up. Get like a woman that's like a little too old for you. Like, nobody gets exactly what they want.

Let me kind of turn the tables on you, but it's not exactly like that because what it is is like the the destruction of what it is is the the what I believe is the greatest part of humanity is children. Is the innocence, is the the perfection personified. I do, I do have, I do have empathy for. So, they're not the same. I know. No, but I do have empathy. I like, I've seen TED talks where like, I saw this one TED talk where this girl was talking about that like pedophilia is a sexual preference or something like, like, uh, what's that called? Like when people are gay, whatever. Um, predisposition. No, I can't think of. Born that way. Very controversial. Yes. So like, I, and then I read all the comments on this video and people were furious at her. I would, I would be furious. I actually agree with that. I believe that it is, that doesn't make it okay, and that doesn't mean that's something that we should support and say, like, "Oh, that's what you like, so you should do it," because because the other party is not capable of consenting. So, it's not something that we can condone, but we have to accept that it exists. And if we can't offer help in this country, listen, in Germany, they offered like, they started opening treatment centers for pedophiles, for people who wanted to not do those things, and the crime rate went down 70%. So, in America, we're like, "No, [ __ ] you. If you even think those things, like, we hate you, and don't even [ __ ] like, you can't even go to a goddamn like sex anonymous group, sex addicts anonymous group because of what you personally like, and we don't help those people, and they end up kids."

And so like, yes, do I think that we should? It's like, dude, I, I one time I posted on Twitter, "If you wouldn't hug a pedophile to keep a kid from being [ __ ]?" I agree with that. And I got so much [ __ ] for it. But it's like, really, if if that's what it comes, I mean, it could be that that's what it comes down to is that we need to [ __ ] embrace them and help them and give them a support system and all this [ __ ]. And as much as we maybe don't want to do that, people didn't want to do that to addicts, to drug addicts. Um, but look how many addicts are clean because they are now able to go to [ __ ] support groups and NA meetings and all these things. It sounds shitty because I don't want to, nobody wants to feel like they're supporting it or saying it's okay, but it's not. It's like, if the the the point is to help kids, not to help the pedophiles. No, you know what I'm saying? The actual, the true definition. Let me set the stage. What is the definition of pedophile? Okay, so pedophilia is a psychiatric disorder. This is probably controversial, but in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children. So, so people who like, like teenagers are called hebephiles, but but PPES can also mean like, you know, anyone under the age of like 13 or something. But like a 15-year-old, 16-year-old undergoing, that's hebephile. It's a different word, but it's, but yeah, after they've gone through puberty or started puberty, it's called a hebephile.

Can I say something that is going to make me sound incredibly ignorant? Yes. Most people are. There are a lot of things in this world, Alicia, that I will kind of like, uh, give some ground on, right? Because I try to, in my, I understand, and we've discussed this on and off camera, that like my lived experience is not necessarily the lived experience of everybody else, right? I try very, like, I, I try to put a lot of effort into understanding that this person is different from me in terms of how they think, but not different from me in terms of like, the same things that that I want, like peace, prosperity, yada yada. I am not willing to give that ground on pedophilia. Okay, so here's this. It's not even giving ground. So, like, I've actually talked to, this is like my, my the podcast I did with Tommy Dex, because he is a fellow addict in recovery. And so I use that, it was easy to use that as an example. Like, I was taught in in Narcotics Anonymous how to not do the thing that I want to do more than [ __ ] anything in the world. I want to [ __ ] slam drugs more than anything in the [ __ ] world. And I was taught how to not do that. I still think about it all the time. I still want to [ __ ] do it. I've had relapses. I've [ __ ] up. The difference is, when you're a pedophile, like, when you [ __ ] up, the the consequences are way more severe, and they affect another person. And they affect another person. But the fact, not not just another person, but the most innocent impression. Have a [ __ ] PA, a [ __ ] pedophile anonymous. So those people even have a chance to [ __ ] work on not hurting children. It's insane. That's disgusting.

What would you say? What would you say to the people that say, "Learn some [ __ ] discipline? Try having not having not never having sex with a woman again." If it meant the [ __ ] disappoint? No, I'm gonna, I'm, but I'm going to come to that point. Gay people don't [ __ ] gay other other [ __ ] men. But if if my if my primal urges resulted in this type of out, but they don't even believe that pedophiles genuinely want to believe that the like the ones that aren't aren't uh sadists. They want to believe that the kid likes them back. Like, they want to believe that it's like a relationship. I mean, that's like, they don't even, they, in their minds, they make it to where they're not hurting this person, that they're helping them or whatever. And and they want it to be consensual. They don't want to have to them. They want to, I mean, they want to like, g, I mean, that's what grooming is. They want them to to want it. Wouldn't you agree that all of this is unacceptable? Absolutely. That's a [ __ ] way. I am, I am the first person, but also, I, I think about it enough and care about it enough that I've done a [ __ ] ton of research on it, and it's a problem that needs to be helped. And and even trying to find a treatment center. Listen, if you are a pedophile, like, and I mean by by that, like somebody who has an interest and is trying their [ __ ] hardest not to like act on it, there's nowhere for you to go. You can't even go to therapy because you'll be, you'll be reported for a thought crime. Yeah. Okay. What do those people do? Like, do you not want to help those people who've never acted on it, but are trying their [ __ ] hardest not to? Like, you don't think we should [ __ ] offer them like a helping hand?

Let me, let me ask you this question. Cuz I would move them all into my home so that they wouldn't [ __ ] a kid. I would. Okay. Move them into your home. I have. Oh, Jesus Christ. Let me, let me go. I have, so that they wouldn't [ __ ] do anything else. But let me ask you this while I try to help them. I, I'm curious to see how much ground we have in common and then where we differ. Okay. So, number one, we're both established that this is an incorrect path for any individual to undergo. Okay. Duly noted. Number two, it's not the thought, it's the act. There is a lot of people in a in a myriad of of aspects of life that think certain things, but they never act upon these things. Like I said, I want to [ __ ] sleeping people. Yes. I understand. So, wanting to do something and then acting on that thing, two completely different things. So, we're, we're in agreement there. Absolutely. My thing is this. I hope, I, I'm not going to engage in thought police. I'm not going to ask everybody like, "Have you ever thought this or that?" And then like, deduce that from then. I, I go from the act of. So like, you know, goes back to Dustin and the work that 501 PC or whatever the name is, whatever the work they do, 561 PC, these these child predator organizations, they they'll catch people in the act of wanting to meet up with people. Forgive me, Alicia, perhaps this is my ignorance. I think those people should go right to prison. Those are not the people that I'm talking about. Agreed. So then my, my thing is like, okay, so like, where is that sweet ground where like, we should find enough empathy to treat these people before they act, and then just saying like, "No, go [ __ ] yourself" once you've acted? Once you've acted, I think that it's not worth it to help you. But the, but here's the other thing. Our [ __ ] country does not put them away. So you're not wrong. I know that because I have very a lot of personal experience with that. They, they do not. They give them a slap on the wrist. They put them in a special jail where they're not [ __ ] hurt by any other prisoners, with just a bunch of other weirdos in there. Released, and they [ __ ] continue. No, they have. They have a, they have a, a, a, a history now as a, and you know how [ __ ] much that does. Well, here's the thing. I'm gonna say. I will say that literally, very like, if I could, I've told you off camera, but the amount of personal experience I have with a specific. And they do [ __ ] nothing. Yeah. In terms of what like, uh, preventing it from happening. In the maybe like, while they're on probation, like, they don't even check their [ __ ] phone. But then, isn't this? But isn't this an argument for my path and not your path? No, I, I'm not, I'm not. I have no argument with you about once they've committed any sort of a crime, once they've looked at child porn, tried to meet a child, anything like that, once you've crossed off with their head, old friends. Absolutely. Because it's not worth trying to help you. And I've tried to help people in that position before they actually hurt a child, like somebody who's watched child porn for [ __ ] years and trying not to act on it. I've tried to help people like that. I put them in [ __ ] treatment centers that cost me a thousand goddamn dollars a day to try to like see if they could be fixed, and they can't. I mean, from my experience, they weren't. And so, well, then isn't that an argument that like, this off with their heads? Yes. No, no, not even off with their heads, but this mentality that you have of like trying to redeem these people or like trying to prevent this from happening is almost, once they've crossed the line, I don't think that they're helpable. I agree. I, I would even. However, okay, so here's a story. Okay. One of these these kids that were in this like, remember, forgive me, forgive me, I'm going to interrupt you for one second because I want to ask a poignant question. I am willing to accept that gay people are born gay. There's nothing I can do to change them. And by the way, I think that if God loves all his children so equally, that includes the gays. There are a lot of Christians that would tell me I'm wrong, but that's how I feel. That's my interpretation of the word. So if you hold on. So if gay people should be able to, you're going to go right to the next step, and that's pedophilia. And here's why I tell you, like, why that's different? Cuz the gay people are consenting. No, no. They're adults. Not, not Jesus Christ. They're adults. Number one, right? Like, if it was like a, a 30-year-old man and a 15-year-old boy, I have, I, that's not okay. If it's a 30-year-old man and a 25-year-old boy or man, cool. My thing is, the children can't. No, it's the predatory nature of it. That's the word, predatory. Because everybody, no matter what walk of life they have, can pinpoint a moment in their life where they are either predator or prey. And perhaps when they were predator, they held themselves back. Hey, I know my power. I'm not going to exert it. Perhaps it's the manager at work. Perhaps it's the teacher with their student. Perhaps it's the mentor with whatever it is, with their person. Whatever it is. And then there are people that see that power paradigm, and they take hold of it. And there's no easier power paradigm than age, because it's like biological for for pedophiles. That's the 10%. 10% the the ones that prey on people. Oh, so 90% of them don't. 90% of them don't. Good. Don't. And those people, those good, don't. Because if you do, I want a bullet through your eyes. I, I posted on Twitter at some point like, "To all to anybody who has that inclination and has their whole life [ __ ] abstained from doing that, despite the fact knowing that if if anybody even knew that you thought about it, they would [ __ ] hate you anyways. Like, thank you for not [ __ ] acting on that." I've said that, and I got so much [ __ ] for it. I don't give a [ __ ] either, because because thank you to those people who didn't [ __ ] a kid when they wanted to. Agreed, bro. Because it's hard for me to not [ __ ] people I want to [ __ ]. You know? And it's like, they have to go their whole life. And and like, you think about it like, yeah, like a pedophile, they mess up one time, and I'm not, I'm just saying, if they mess up one time, that's [ __ ]. They should be beheaded. I think you're extending a grace because you're talking about consensual adults, and you've talked about consent earlier in this conversation. You're trying to. I'm not trying to give grace to people who have acted on anything. I think once you've crossed a line. No, not even acted. Forgive me. Not even acted. What I'm trying to say is like, you understand that you, in your sense, have had a flawed background or perhaps made mistakes and all these other things. So you're extending grace to other people that could possibly think like you. Don't you think that there's a factor in here that like, not everybody means well the same way you might? That's 90% and you might be extending grace to the majority of people that don't deserve it. I think that I extend grace to more of the people than deserve it. Way past pedophiles. I do that with everybody. I've tried to rescue. I've moved [ __ ] 20 plus homeless people into my home trying to [ __ ] rescue them. You know how many times I was successful? Zero. [ __ ] zero. Really? Yeah. I was [ __ ] robbed every goddamn thing that I could have been. Uh, zero. Actually, that's not true. One of them got clean, but not directly from me [ __ ] helping them. One of them is clean. At least one. One of 20. 5% I'll take. 5% I'll take. Yeah. But like, 0% is like, no hope. Yeah. But like, I mean, but that wasn't directly because of me, you know? It was like years later, he ended up, one kid that I was home with who did drugs with, who's actually clean and has a family now. And it's like, [ __ ] awesome. Yeah. But yes, I extend, I, I try to extend grace to as many people as possible, but also like, that's what the Bible [ __ ] asks of us. And this was way before I was a Christian. Like, this, I mean, I feel empathy for people because I am [ __ ] up. I was, I believe that I was born [ __ ] up. I was raised [ __ ] up. I was not given a chance to not be [ __ ] up. I was given a chance as an adult to change my behavior, but I can't [ __ ] control what's in my head. There's nothing I can do about it. And and I'm lucky that all I got was being a [ __ ] [ __ ] and a drug addict, because not everybody gets that. Some people get [ __ ] they want to [ __ ] kids, you know? And and I'm not saying that they should be given any like goddamn grace or luxuries, but I think that the ones who are trying their hardest not to do this is okay. Here's a story that I want to tell you that I read about this kid that was in this like virtue ped thing that I was talking about, who's 17. He realized that, you know, the people that he was interested in as he was growing up, like he got older and older, and they stayed the same age. So he's 17, and he's still interested in in girls that are 12. He [ __ ] shot himself in the head. This is a kid who's still a boy. He's 17 years old. He never did anything to anyone, but he recognized that like, "I want to [ __ ] a 12-year-old, and I'm a piece of [ __ ]." And he shot himself in the head. Do you not think somebody should, some should have done something for that 17-year-old boy? I think that at that age, um, the discrepancy in age, like the the difference between a 30-year-old and a 25-year-old is not as as seen as much as possibly like a 20-year-old and a 15-year-old, right? The problem is that the formative years, that's that's the variable here. The point is that the the the boy that killed himself, he was not a bad person. He was so good of a person that he took his own life so that he wouldn't do something bad. He, something that he couldn't do anything about. If if he could have changed that, I'm sure he would have rather than taking his own life, right? So people like that, those are the people that I think should be [ __ ] extended a a hand. Like, because do you believe he would be redeemable though? I think that it's possible to not act on the things. This is, this is a weird thing for me to say. Forgive me. I don't want to say redeemable because that's not for me to say. Do you think that it is, could have been possible for him to be helped with his? Yes. I believe that if somebody really doesn't know. You think that's optimism and not pessimism? The type of thought process. It might be optimism for me because I want to believe that people are humbable. But the guy that did the [ __ ] that he did to me has never hurt anybody since. He went to all these [ __ ] groups and went, you know, did some time in jail, went to [ __ ]. He, he was discharged from going to these sex groups like five years before he quit. He kept going to them, like has done everything he could to never repeat those mistakes. And I have utmost respect for that. And that's somebody who he actually did act on them, and and he's done everything he can to not ever do those things again. To to, and I have [ __ ] watched. Trust me, I have [ __ ] monitored his every move because I told, I told him like, when I tried to kill my. That's some big brother [ __ ] if I ever heard. No, I told him, if you ever [ __ ] do that, if if I see, if I catch a [ __ ] glimpse, a [ __ ] word, a whisper of any [ __ ] thing, I will [ __ ] end your life. Do, do you mind? And that's not why he did it. Do you mind if I put a cap to this part of the the conversation? But I want to synopsis. Yes. Let's talk first about the difference between um predation on both men and women. I think that both young men or I'll say boys and girls should both equally be protected, right? That the gender that they have should not um dissuade you from trying to protect a young 12-year-old girl the same way you would protect a young 12-year-old boy. The argument that I was simply making was that the difference in a 15-year-old boy engaging in certain acts with a 20-year-old woman or a 25-year-old woman is substantially different from a 15-year-old girl from a 20 or 25-year-old man simply because of the physical capabilities of that man. That's all I was saying. All I'm saying is that the 25-year-old woman is trying to [ __ ] a 15-year-old is still a equally equally. And she needs to go to [ __ ] prison. I don't care how pretty she is. Agreed. That is disgusting. I'm 32. I've been all the way through all those ages. At no point did I want to [ __ ] a child. Agreed. And I, and I was abused and molested and all those things. I did all. I have every excuse to to want to [ __ ] kids. I guess, you know, that all these people, I'm just saying like, they're like, "Well, I was molested as a kid." Like, "So the [ __ ] was I? I don't want to [ __ ] any kids." And I'm lucky for that. But using that as an excuse, kind of thing. Yes. And I'm, but but also like I said before, I'm, I'm grateful that all I got like was being a [ __ ] and a [ __ ] drug addict, because it could have been worse. There are people who are abused, and that's what they end up with, and there, I think that fat pedophiles or or um predators in general, I think can be created, and I think that they are. Agreed. And I think hurt people could hurt people. I agree. And going back to the corn thing, I think that that doesn't [ __ ] help. Um, I think primary pedophile. However, it doesn't [ __ ] help that you go on Pornhub and all you see is like girls with [ __ ] braces. Like, what the [ __ ] Would you? Okay, well, so then let me ask you this. So, like, one of my deeply held beliefs is like capitalism. The market will decide, right? I don't necessarily want for like, big government or big brother to come in and tell me how to live my life, right? However, we're now talking about the extremes. And I think that there is a place for society, the majority of people to be like, "Hey, listen. We understand that there are these fringe um interests or beliefs, but we as a collective majority have decided to ostracize these." They don't act on it. Well, okay. There's a list on the goddamn internet of every [ __ ] sex sexual predator and their address and their [ __ ] charges and their faces, and nobody does anything. So like, I mean, this is what I heard when I would like rant about it on Twitter is people like, "We should just kill those people." [Music] I'm serious. But the the the fact, I can't, I, we can't listen. Mark that. I can't, I can't post that. I'm just saying, I'm with you. I'm with you on a on a person. I'm with you, but I can't post that. Go on a rampage and do do society a favor. I'm not saying, but okay. What I'm saying? People take this this stance of like, "Oh, we should just [ __ ] kill him." But nobody actually does that. So, we end up as a bunch of pedophiles who aren't being killed and aren't being held accountable by the law and aren't being helped. So what you're saying is like, okay, the the the thought process of people saying like, punish these individuals is not being executed, and no one seems to be jumping at the opportunity to execute on the punishment. So then they're not being legally, they're not being uh charged in the way that they, they're not being held responsible in the way that they need to be held responsible. Society is not stepping up and stopping the problem. And so all these kids are getting raped. So, if the, if, if our last answer is offering a [ __ ] treatment program, I really can't believe why we're not doing that. Do you think this is my, this is going to be my last, even if it helped one of [ __ ] 700 people? This is going to be my last uh question on this topic before we move on. Forgive me. Do you not think that the advancements of technology, the surveillance of everyday individuals has helped in this endeavor? I think they have every possible. I think they could stop it in a heartbeat, but they don't because they make too much money on, you know, that child sex trafficking is like the number one. I know. I know. Industry in America. It's one of the reasons why I want the borders to be closed. Instagram itself has so like their algorithms, they can tell everything except, oh, they can't find the [ __ ] pedophiles on Instagram. Yes, they [ __ ] they can. They literally create algorithms that bring pedophiles directly to a a slew of [ __ ] children who are vulnerable. It's so preventable. And and I mean, there's been proof that the CIA is leaking child porn on the dark web. It is 100% like, if we're different. It's different to throw some bait out there to catch some. Yeah. That's not what they're [ __ ] doing. Duly noted. It's, it's so much money. There is so much money in that industry. When you say industry, do you mean what? Like sex trafficking/human trafficking. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not talking about like the industry that I was in where like everybody is, we all know each other. We [ __ ] test every 14 days. It's a very like exclusive industry. People don't just wander into it. Like, I'm not talking about like the porn industry in the sense of like, it's very professional. Everything else, it's the sex trafficking in general is the biggest industry that we have in the United States. Human trafficking to an extension, then? Yes. And and children are a big huge part of that. But regardless, like the government has a [ __ ] part in that, and we all know that, or at least they turn a blind eye. Well, when you have an administration that for four years opened up the border to allow for certain things like this to happen, I cannot argue with that argument. I 100% agree. I also. Yeah, if you don't mind moving on from pedophile. Yeah, absolutely. But I, I, I don't want you to think. Forgive me. The reason I'm doing this is because I also want to kind of carry over the conversation because I could [ __ ] rant on this forever, and everybody knows that. So, let's move it along. There, there are a couple questions I have because right now, I feel like the the individual that I'm talking to is both someone trying to start something new, but also the person that they are is very reflective of their past. And both of these can live symbiotically. Do you think so? I do. Okay. I don't think it's, I think we, I could be like an optimist in this sense, but like, I do believe that like, for us to arrive at the moment that we are, and for us to, I like who I am, and that means all the things that I did that were stupid and nice. I think there's a portion of you. There has to be. But they liked who I am. Yeah. I like certain things about myself. That's a portion of it. Yeah. Sure. There might be. There's portions of me. Listen, there's portions of me I don't like. It's not as public as what you've done. Does that make sense? Yeah. All my sins are public. So that's that's what I'm trying to say is like, that does not make me better or worse or whatever. It just makes me more private, you more public, but I mean, I'm, I don't want to say that like, I'm going through the same things that you're going through because I don't know what you're going through. Right. But I think that I don't want to diminish whatever. I feel like realistically, we're all going through the same things. I think everyone has their roller coaster. So I do believe that we are a culmination of everything that has happened to us, and that we've arrived at this moment at the time that we have, both good and bad, to do either good or bad. Like, like perhaps today, you want to do good. God bless. But maybe in five years from now, additional things happen to you, and now you want to do bad. Like, okay, well, then we, we need to prevent you from that, right? So I'm not trying to say that like this is like, you know, this is like a scapegoat for anybody to do whatever it is that they want to do. No, there is a bad path where at the very least, there's a bad destination, right? And if I can change that destination, regardless of the path is wrong. Similar to your story earlier about like how how you did corn and you were able to purchase a home for your mother. That's like a nice thing that happened from a thing that some could could perceive as bad, right? So, like, I don't think one of my favorite symbols, one of the one of the uh uh t uh what do you call something that's like uh one of the themes of this podcast is like the yin-yang system. A lot of black and white, because there's there's good and the bad, and there's bad and the good, and I don't think there's 100% shades of gray. Exactly. So that's why the podcast studio has taken this the shape it has, because I do believe that even in the darkest of of times, there's a bit of light, and even the most pristine picture, there's a blemish, right? There's no such thing as like pure good. I like the the saying that the people with the most cracks have the most light shine through. I'm with that. I'm with that. Sometimes. No, no, no. But but I am. There's always the exception, but I don't believe that makes the rules. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, to to your part of like, I said that I like who I am with the blemishes and all, and you were like, "Well, that's nice. I don't believe you dislike who you are. I believe you may have disliked some of the things you've done, but I don't believe you dislike things about who I am." I respect that. I'm honest about the things that suck, you know, because most people aren't. And I, I'm honest. I, I respect about myself that I don't [ __ ] cheat, that I don't even [ __ ], that I am so [ __ ] loyal that it's disgusting. Like, it's, it's, you couldn't be more loyal than me. And I'm so proud of that because when I was 14, I cheated on every goddamn body. Is is a part of the reason why you retired from a certain industry because you want to promote your discipline in monogamy? Now, I believe no. I think that it was absolutely impossible to have a relationship while in that industry, and I am a person who loves to be in relationships, and I tried to have plenty of them, and they were incredibly abusive and horrible. Um, it's impossible. There are people who are in the industry who have relationships, and they say they're good, and I hope that that's true, but I have not been able to find that. Maybe it's because my like the type of man that I'm interested in is not the kind of one that wants to share his woman with a bunch of other men, you know? But, um, I'm going to get a lot of hate for this. Most men will not want to do that. There are a couple, and they're weirdos, and they're like cucks who want to watch their men, their women [ __ ] other people, and that's not my type, you know? And that's great for them. Like, different strokes for different folks, right? That's fine. I'm happy for their wives because they get to [ __ ] whoever they want. That's cool. But that's not my type. I don't want a man who wants me to [ __ ] other people. So my, you know, my type is very alpha, very [ __ ] man. Very. I know your husband. Yeah. Um, and really even more so than that, like the guys that I dated before him like spent half their lives in prison, and were like, I like a very specific type. And so, and my current husband was like the lighter version of that. You, he was my step up. Um, and still, yeah, my husband didn't want to [ __ ] share me with other men. Um, and I. You establish that you wouldn't want to be shared. No. Well, I wouldn't respect him if he wanted to share me. I have been with men who shared me, but I don't [ __ ] I can't respect them. I can't [ __ ] respect that. Like, it is what it is for you. That stroke does not fit that folk. Right now, when now, when it, it was necessary for me at some points in my life to do that job, even when I wanted to quit, because there were people that I needed to support or help or whatever, that I was unwilling to, I was willing to sacrifice my own uh wants or needs for. And that money made, I mean, that that career made me money to that that afforded me the ability to help people. And as somebody who grew up [ __ ] dead broke, and then homeless, and a drug addict, and I was never able to help [ __ ] anybody, having money at the beginning seemed like the [ __ ] best. Like, I could, I have given away more than 50% of everything I've ever made. And I [ __ ] hate that now. But at the time, it was like I was finally a, I felt like I had the power to do something to [ __ ] help people. Turns out, uh, money doesn't [ __ ]. Money was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Making money. Uh, if I could go back and never have [ __ ] made that money, that first day that I did Snapchat, I would [ __ ] take it back. Really. And I don't regret much in my life, but I regret ever making money because when I was homeless, I knew who loved me. I knew who my friends were. And now it's always a [ __ ] question. And maybe they do really love me for who I am, but I'll never [ __ ] believe it.

Can, can I take a step back to kind of unwind that onion? Yeah, absolutely. When you say that you wish you would have never, if you could go back and never have done the. By the way, I didn't do this, but uh, cheers. Sorry, I was uh. You're a classy broad. You drinking the wine? I am, but a worm in the mud. I drink whiskey. For everybody who has heard all my stories about being sober, by the way. I don't know. I drink wine now. [ __ ] deal with it. How long have you? Okay, so were you pushing? Forgive me. Now I feel like I'm enabling. I don't care. No, I had, I had um relapsed quote unquote with my husband when I met him, um, because he drank and did like blow or whatever, and then he got sober. I got sober with him again. I stayed sober for maybe a year, and then he said something about, "I don't care if you drink," and I was like, "All right." Cuz to me, the difference between drinking wine and like, every guy is going to watch this and be like, "I need to be very careful when I." Yes, you do. Like, don't [ __ ] give me liberties that you don't really want me to take. Like, [ __ ] be. I think moderation and all things are. But also, I think that a lot of it, even like when I had relapsed quote unquote with my husband, it like, it made me a stronger person because I realized that like, like we were doing like coke and [ __ ] drinking alcohol, and I had slammed meth and been homeless my whole life, and it was like, "Oh, I can kind of control this, you know?" And it was, it was, and I'm not suggesting anybody that's an addict like, go [ __ ] try this because don't. But for me, it was like, it was, I think it was a positive thing, honestly. I actually have the uh, the opposite reaction to that. I, I've tried a lot of things once. There are things that I have not tried because I've heard of their addictive qualities. So like, never tried heroin. I've never tried meth. Very fair. So perhaps I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this one. But like, you know, coke, Adderall, mushrooms. Adderall and and meth are pretty similar. Dude, can I be honest with you? Out of all of the things that I've ever done, the prescription drug Adderall, I believe it, is like, I, I've had to prevent myself from seeing a physician to try to get a. I've thought about it. I have a buddy, his name, I'm not going to say his name, sorry. I have a buddy that I used to work with who has an Adderall prescription. And there are times where I'm like, "Dude, I [ __ ] wish I could get like a 10 milligram vibe." There are times when I look at my [ __ ] stepchild's [ __ ] Adderall pill and you're like, "Dude, I've been on that." Yeah. So I mean, that's, I mean, it's a super drug. It's a super. Close to the same chemical composition as meth. Yes. And so it's like, one molecule off, by the way. Two molecules away from morphine. Yeah. And I've been on morphine once, and I'm not lying to you. Um, the the epidemic of opioid. I get that. I didn't get that when I was on when I was shooting meth. I hung out with mostly junkies. So I shot at like a fair amount of heroin, like every day, probably for a few years. And I never like got anything from it. And I was like, "What the [ __ ] are people dying for this [ __ ] for?" And then like, I mean, I found out I have a heart condition that like my heart beats too fast. So I was probably just burning it off so fast that I'd never experienced. Like, so one time I had like an abscess on my back recently, and I had like, they gave me fentanyl in the hospital, and I was like, "Oh, like, now I see." That's the same reaction I had. They gave me oxycodone, and I, I think I've told this story before, so forgive me guys if I have, but like, I took an oxy, and I took an eight-hour nap, and it was like during the height of my fighting career, and I didn't realize when they gave me morphine, I didn't realize how much I ached, like my joints, my back, until it [ __ ] stops. And then, and then this nurse is like, and I, and I remember, I'll never forget this, cuz I was like, "Yo, nurse, whatever your name was, by the way, nurse, thank you so much." Uh, I was like, "I feel amazing. What did you guys give me?" Like, "Well, you had a lot of pain. So, we gave you morphine." I go, "Can I buy this? Like, can you guys give me a prescription for morphine?" And she was like, she's laughing, thinking I'm joking. I'm like, "No, no, for real though. Like, this is amazing. Like, I want to get on a regular like increment of morphine." And she's like, "No, no, like, we can't prescribe morphine. Like, you have to get be in a hospital for this." I go, "What is the closest thing to morphine without skipping a beat?" She was like, "Heroin." I go, "I go, I go, "No [ __ ] wonder. There's a bunch of people just dying of heroin." I, in in one hospital visit, I got it. Yeah. They gave me Oxy. I went home. I took that. The very first one I took, I took like an eight-hour sleep, not a nap, sleep. I immediately took that prescription. I tossed it down the toilet, which by the way, you're not supposed to do with prescription medication because the the drugs in the water supply. Sorry guys, I didn't know at the time. So, I tossed it. Thing you ever gotten a lot of people high. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. A bunch of people drinking tap water like, "Yo, I feel great." But I, I did it. Listen, I like to think of myself as like a very, very mentally strong, disciplined individual. Oxy was the one thing that I took once and I was like, "I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself." I was like, so when I was a teenager, like a a young teenager, like 11, 12, I had an eating disorder. And that is like the absolute like epitome of self-control. I didn't eat. I [ __ ] starved myself almost to death, right? That's [ __ ] self-control. Then I found drugs, and it was like the the ability to no longer [ __ ] have control was so addicting to me, just to like let it [ __ ] go. And that was like, that was the problem. It's like, I do have very good self-control. I have such good self-control that it drives me [ __ ] nuts. And giving it up was the like most freeing thing I ever did. And so getting off drugs was so [ __ ] hard for me. Like, trying to like regain self-control, which I [ __ ] hate. Like, I hate it. Um, I don't even know how to like, I don't know how to describe that, but like, like giving up that control. It's, it's kind of like, um, I hate to say it, but like, like Dom sub relationships, you know, like they say like subs like once they, they give up their power and they feel freeing. Yes. That's what drugs were to me, because I remember having a therapist when I was growing up who said she didn't think I would ever do drugs because I was too much of a control freak, and like, let me show you. Yeah. [ __ ] hold my beer. Yeah. But it was, it was like really for that reason, because I was so much of a control freak that like giving up like all the [ __ ] say in my life was like so freeing and like relaxing to me that like, I mean, that was part of the addiction was just like not having control and like [ __ ] just like letting [ __ ] go of everything. And so being sober for me is like, it's hard, dude. Like, I think it's hard for everybody. Yeah, I think I think that's why motivation and discipline are two different things. People who have never experienced certain things, it's easier for them to never try them. Once you've had the best of everything, and this is corn included, so like my, the way that I see myself is that I've had the [ __ ] best of every goddamn thing in life. I've had the [ __ ] like way past the best. And now I have. I disagree with that. I think it's the perception of that. I know, but now I have to like be okay with like this medioc [ __ ] up, but like living like a normal life with like kids and a husband and like going to, you know, like whatever church and like it's like, and then I think about like how [ __ ] like this my life was my whole life. Yeah. But surely it's right, and it's better, and it feels good in a in a genuine way. But like, there's a part of me that is like, you, what the [ __ ] Let me, let me ask you this question. But I want these like ridiculous [ __ ] emotions. But let me ask you this question. That's not sustainable. No. Oh, absolutely not. Peaks and valleys are not sustainable. What you call mediocrity though is like sustainability. I. And it's all, it's like the best thing in the world. Like, I spent my life doing this.

like severe up and down, and I'm bipolar. So it's like that, plus like, so now I'm medicated, and I'm like supposed to be like, I'm trying to like be as [ __ ] eh as possible, and I'm like, "What the [ __ ]?" You know? And it's hard.

And so I think that people who have never like, if you've never tried drugs, don't ever [ __ ] try them, because like trying to like not do them after you've done them is a lot harder than never doing them.

Um, I don't know if I don't know if I agree, man. It's 'cause you haven't done meth. Don't do meth. It's a good point. Really, it's really bad. It's like the [ __ ] point. Turns out for me, like because I have a heart condition, it was the absolute worst thing I could have [ __ ] done. And I can't believe that that's what I got addicted to.

Like I want, I want to go back to two things you've said because I want to ask two separate questions, but let me ask this one before this one. So when you say the peaks and valleys, and I had this certain life, we've both established that this was off the record, but I feel comfortable bringing this on the record. I was essentially saying that like, you know, I was promiscuous in my younger years, but for me personally, the physical act of engaging in sex is not as profound and as enjoyable as engaging with someone that I love, that I genuinely have a connection with, and I want to feel intimate with. So like, you could give me, you know, 100 different girls, but if I don't have a like, if I don't have a relationship with them, it's not going to feel as good as with this person that I chose.

I'm glad that we're segueing into this because this is like, so women ask me all the time, every [ __ ] day pretty much, like, "Help me get into porn, like, how do I [ __ ] do it, only if I'm successful with it?" And I'm like, "[ __ ] do not." And like, they don't, and I'm like, "I don't fans porn." What do you mean? All of it. Don't [ __ ] industry in general. Don't even [ __ ] start, because the reality is like, first of all, all women want to be loved. We all want a relationship. It is what it is. We can be as [ __ ] feminist as we want. We want a [ __ ] man that's going to like, be a man. It is what it is. Like, fight me on that all you want. Like, all women want that. If they, if they do, if they do, it's a demographic of women that men don't want. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Exactly.

But, but um, the thing like, so I didn't even like, real, so when I quit porn, it took like a year and a half, maybe two years. Forgive me. How long have you been retired? At least three years. Three years. Okay. Just for cont. So yeah. Um, but like, I still had only felt for a while after that, and they still feature danced for a while after that. So, but I've been like completely out of all of it for at least two years. Um, and it took like a long time for me to like, I didn't realize that I'd been dissociated for like [ __ ] 10 years of my life until I had quit for enough time that I real, and then like, I kind of like remembered who I was. It's really my best friend died, and I like, like it [ __ ] up my head. And but it also like, like, like I remembered who the [ __ ] I was. And it was like, "How did I do all that [ __ ]?" Like, I can't [ __ ] imagine doing the stuff that I did, like, like in porn and all this stuff. Like, I can't even [ __ ]. I hate it, even. I hate selfies. I hate [ __ ] taking. If somebody caught me taking a selfie on myself, I would like [ __ ] commit suicide. Like, that's embarrassing to me. We take a picture with every guest. Now I feel like I'm going to take a picture by myself and be like, "I'm just saying thank you for coming on the like, look at me." [ __ ] was never me. Like, when my my ex-husband had like convinced me to like take pictures, the first time he made me take a picture in like a bikini with this [ __ ] product, I cried. I was like, "I felt so [ __ ] violated and like humiliated." Like, that's not who I was. And but it was easy for me. Like, I, I've been diagnosed with a million [ __ ] things, and one of them being like dissociative identity disorder, which is like a PTSD response. Otherwise, PTSD. Yeah. Otherwise called [ __ ] multiple personality disorder, which I don't like that, but I don't like that term. But it's, I do know what dissociation is because like the first [ __ ] 16 years of my life when I'd have sex, I was like, I, I literally was watching it from the ceiling. Like, I wasn't in my body. I, I felt like I was watching it from the ceiling. Like, I was so dissociated from my body because of like the sexual trauma that I've had, or whatever, that like I couldn't even physically engage in what was happening.

And so, did you do that as a coping mechanism, you think? Yeah, absolutely. I don't think it was like on purpose, but I think my my brain automatically tried to protect me by by creating two different people. And so, I had like two very distinct personalities, at least maybe three, but like, I'm going to like, at least two. Um, and, um, yeah, let's, let's [ __ ] start with my my diagnosis. There's a lot of them. No, but, um, the like, the, it's really just a PTSD response at the end of the day. It's like your brain, when you're a child, especially, like, when it can't deal with something, like it splits so that like it creates a stronger person that can deal with the the [ __ ] that's happening so that this the weaker, the child that you are, can like exist, you know, and not [ __ ] die. And so like, I didn't even realize how long of my life that I had like kept this little child like in a [ __ ] dungeon, you know? Like, I don't know if I'm getting too far. I might have drinking too much wine. But forgive me. Yeah. But this is, but this is the truth. Like, I, I mean, I really like, I felt like I had like taken this part of me that was so [ __ ] vulnerable and I just put it away because nobody had ever shown it love, you know, or cared for it or protected it. And I thought that was my job to do. And this this new me that I had created to protect like little child me. Um, I was really good at it, and I'm, I was tough as [ __ ] and like nothing could hurt me. And corn didn't get to my head and nothing [ __ ] I did did until I quit and I was like, "Wait, what the [ __ ]?" You know? Like, I feel like the two like merged again, and I was like, like, "What have I been doing?" Like, "How did I even [ __ ] do all that [ __ ] without like, if I tried to do that now, I feel like I would have a [ __ ] mental breakdown."

So, so before I ask these lines of questions, I want to for ask for forgiveness because I told you beforehand that there was like certain questions that I wanted to ask you. But now, based on where this conversation is going, I, I do have one question. Yeah. When you're talking about the disassociation, when you're talking about the need for protecting this version of you, I'm curious, what has caused you more trauma? Was it the physical act of shooting the scenes, or was it the repercussions of everything socially afterwards?

I don't even think it had anything to do with uh corn. It's everything afterwards. No, I think it was before that. It was like I was already like, I mean, my my childhood, doing drugs, being homeless, like all this stuff like I had to be this tough person. And like, and I was, I was [ __ ] super tough. I still am. Like, it's amazing to me that I can be in a life or death situation and feel [ __ ] nothing. You know, it's not necessarily healthy, but like, at the time, it was necessary. Like, being a 15-year-old that's homeless with a like, it's like you have victim tattooed on your [ __ ] forehead. Like, everybody wants to hurt you, you know? And it was like, you had to be pretty [ __ ] tough to deal with it. And a lot of this stuff was just like dissociating and letting stuff happen because I knew if I fought it, like it would be worse, you know? And so I feel like that just le like bled into me being in the industry. And it was easy to be in the industry for me. It wasn't traumatic. It was like, some of it was actually cathartic and and helped me. It was like I had been in in child porn, like I said, um, when I was younger, and it was like being in as an adult, it was like I was choosing to do those things. And it, it was like cathartic in some ways. It was therapeutic. And, um, because I had control over it. I could [ __ ] make it stop if I wanted to. And like, there was something like empowering. Yeah. Empowering about it. Absolutely. And until it wasn't, you know, until it was a means to an end that I needed the money, I needed all these things. I was trying to [ __ ] help everybody goddamn in the world. Um, and, and the umbrella got wide, right? And sacrificing like the things that like things that I said I would never do, I ended up doing because so and so needed help, and I needed to [ __ ] pay for so and so's court dates, or like whatever it was, their their lawyer, or my mom's house, or whatever it was. And I ended up doing all these things that I said I would never do because I knew that would be too much for me, you know, like psychologically. But I did them anyways because I felt like that was the only way that I knew like how to make money, or how to like, it was the only time I'd ever been able to help anybody, um, was having money, you know? Like, being poor, like you can care about people all you want, but you can't do [ __ ] [ __ ] about it. Act on it. No, you can't do [ __ ] about it other than like love them. And that doesn't do that much. Um, turns out though, having money doesn't do that much either.

I think it's a combination of both. Yeah. And that's what parenting is. If I, if I give my daughter a million dollars, but I'm not a father. Yeah. Or if I'm a father that can't give her anything, both are equally as bad. I think it'd be better to have a a father that doesn't give her anything. Tell people that are poor that I. Well, and I was poor, and that's why we were talking about that in the bathroom. I'm like, I hope we get around to like the money thing because like.

Let's get back to that because the other thing I think money was the worst thing I ever got. I was going to ask you why you said that because forgive me, a lot of women that will get into this will look at you and say, "Well, easy for you to say because you have already made the money, you already have the lifestyle, you already have the, I don't know what it is that you own, what have you." So, you, you have all of the positives that this lifestyle. Come back and be [ __ ] homeless to just to know who cared about me, because it's like every friend, every [ __ ] boyfriend, every goddamn person you meet, you don't know if they really care about you or if they're just using you. And that doesn't even if they were like, like my husband, even like goddamn, even if he isn't using me, and it was never about money, like that was always in the back of my mind, like, "But what if it is?" You know? And when I was homeless, dude, I had no question about who loved me because I had literally nothing to offer those people, and they loved me anyways.

I, I disagree wholeheartedly, and I'll tell you why. Because when you're a 15-year-old woman, homeless, there was something you offered them that wasn't. There were people like the one that I told you that that got clean. I never had sex with them. I never had sex. It's not even about. It's not about. Forgive me. Uh, let me take a step back because this is, I, I, I, I haven't done this conversation a justice of the emotional uh toll it could possibly take on you. So, let me, let me apologize. No, no, no. Let me apologize. It's not about you caring. I know you are. I know you are, but I want to apologize. So, I'm sorry because I'm taking a trip down memory lane, and you may have put all these things into place, and God bless, but I should still, I should still navigate these waters respectfully. So, I'm sorry. It's fine. Even though you're a 15-year-old, you know, girl with no money, let's say, there is still something that people could perceive as value that you could give to them, right? And I don't think necessarily think that any relationship is purely like, you know, uh, 50/50 selfless. Yes. I think that someone gets something from everyone, whether it's a physical act, an emotional act, a spiritual act. However, yeah, I believe I used the money. I didn't do it intentionally, but I, I mean, every time I would go out to eat with anybody, I would [ __ ] pay, no matter what. I would like secretly, I would make sure I paid for every goddamn meal I ever had.

What's the psychology behind that? I guess I was buying friends. You know, I didn't really realize that, but part, like to me, it was like, I have more money than them, so I should pay for it. And all of a sudden, I had money, and I felt like I didn't deserve it, so I felt like it was like, kind of community money. Um, so I should [ __ ] share it with everybody. Um, like, whatever. Like, I, I felt guilty about having. I would make, I would make the argument that you deserve it the most. Well, okay. But like, like survival guilt is a real thing. So even just getting off the street when other people didn't. Like, that's, I moved all these homeless people into my house, like, because I, I felt guilty about the fact that I got out and they didn't. And turns out, like, it's because they didn't give a [ __ ] about, they didn't want it, and I did, you know? And that's how I ended up [ __ ] off the street, and they didn't. And, and to me, it was like, if anybody had offered me a [ __ ] limb for a second, I would have taken it, and they didn't. A limb, a [ __ ] a bone, a goddamn anything. Forgive me. Like, some sort of help. Sorry. Sorry. It was like, I would have latched on to it in a heartbeat. I wanted to get clean three years before I ever did, you know? And so it was like, for me, when I finally was able to, I thought that everybody felt that way. So I tried to like rescue goddamn everybody, and they didn't want to get clean. They were like, "Oh, a free place to stay and free food and like me or whatever." There, there are people that are that find themselves in certain circumstances outside of themselves where all they can do is, you had no input in where the output designated you. Then there are people where their output is directly correlated to their input, and you are trying to save people from the grave that they dug themselves, right? And that's impossible. I know. I mean, and it's hard because even now, like, like the other yesterday, actually, I saw some kid like [ __ ] panhandling on the on the road, and he looked maybe 16, and I were like, "Dude, I wanted to pull over and [ __ ] goddamn like, listen, bud, you know?" But it was like, "What am I going to [ __ ] say?" Like, there's nothing you can. I know because I was that age and I was doing that [ __ ] and nobody could have said anything to to me. But I'm like, maybe because I have like face tattoos, like, you know, or like, I mean, like, should I try anyways, or should I just [ __ ] not? Should I give them money? Like, I, I'm notorious for giving homeless people money, and my husband thinks that it's not right. Like, how, like, because I'll, I'll buy them goddamn heroin. I'm like, "Whatever." Like, because I was homeless, like, I know what that's worth sometimes. Like, just a [ __ ] little bit of goddamn like empathy, you know? Or somebody like helping you, even if it's [ __ ] to get well when you're sick.

Can I, can I say something new that that really like, uh, it was literally three days ago. It's funny that you say this. I, where I live, the ramp is under construction. So, I have to go a street down, which is a slightly rougher neighborhood than where I live. Where I live is uh, a lot more affluence, a lot more wealth. So, like the street down, it's the city. So, like three streets and you have a different tax bracket, right? So, I go down the street to get back on the highway to get back to my house. And there's a guy there every [ __ ] day. And for some reason, I had some cash. So, I gave him a 20. You know what I mean? I rolled out my window. I gave him the 20 and I'm like, "Hey, brother. Here you go." You know what he said to me? He said, "I've seen you drive down here 100 times and you haven't given money to me. What was it about today?" That's what he said. And, and I'm going somewhere with this. And I was like, "I had the cash on me." He goes, "Thank God." And I go, "What do you mean?" He's like, "I thought you thought I was lesser than you, or like I didn't deserve it, or something." Does that make sense? And I thought to myself, like, that that was genuinely the reason. Like, I, I would drive by, I didn't have cash on me. So I was like, I didn't want to like roll down my window and tell him like, "Hey man, I don't have cash. Sorry, I don't have cash." Yeah, 'cause that's worse, right? I almost did that on the way. So I was literally like, I, I had cash on me and I was like, "I've seen you a hundred times. You're right. I have seen you a lot of times. Here you go." And, and his first inclination when he saw my car was like, "This guy's not going to give me money." And then when I rolled down my window to give him money, he was like, his first inclination wasn't like, "Oh, thank God, he's giving me money." His first inclination was, "What's different about this time?" And I'm not going to lie to you. I had, I, I do, and this guy did not change my perception. So, I'm not trying to say like, I'm like a changed individual. You know, I do think that the majority of the homeless people are mentally ill, and that we have to like do something as a society to help them. That's the majority. The minority are the people that have like made bad decisions in their lives, don't have friends and family, so what have you. The majority are the latter, where it's not their fault. Right. Right. This individual, you know, it made me think like, because after I gave him the 20, and after he said this thing to me, it kind of hit me, and I took my ramp. I went back home. I'm playing with my daughter, and I think to myself, like, "Can I help this guy in any way?" Like, "Is there a job I could offer him? Is there this? Is there that?" And it's, I never thought about this with with anybody that has ever panhandled with me. Like, "How can I employ this individual?" Except for this one person. Because it wasn't like, "God bless, thank you." You know, the [ __ ] that you normally get. It was like, "I've seen you a hundred times. What was different about this time?" I was not ready for that question. And I was like, "I just had cash on me this time." And he's like, "Oh, thank God. I was worried that you thought I was lesser than you." This guy's homeless, and he's worried that I don't see him as a human. Yeah. And that [ __ ] hit me, dude.

Dude, I, I remember being [ __ ] homeless and people spitting on me, and like, I wouldn't do that [ __ ]. I would never. I remember like sitting in front of a [ __ ] McDonald's, and I never panhandled 'cause I goddamn like thought I was too good for it. And so I would like recycle cans, and like, I lived in California, so you could like get money for recycling cans, and like, I thought I was better than people that hand panhandled. But mostly it's because like, I couldn't [ __ ] stand the way that people looked at me. Like I was like the dirt on their shoes, like on the bottom of their shoes. And I was like, and they don't even know that I'm 15 and like, how easily this could be their [ __ ] daughter, you know, or how easily it could be them, or like, you know, and it, it, like, but it broke my heart to see like how society actually is. And like, and now I'm like, you know, 10 years after being homeless, and I'm like, [ __ ] [ __ ] homeless people like half the time, you know? And the other half the time, I'm like, "I want to give them money." And, and I, I'll go buy them [ __ ] heroin. And like, "Is that wrong or right?" I don't know. But like, at the time when I was homeless, it's like, any little like slight act of kindness was like, meant everything to me, dude. Like, buying me [ __ ] drugs meant everything to me, you know? And it's like, maybe that wasn't the reason that I got clean or [ __ ]. But I remember every kind thing anybody ever did for me, you know, even like smiling at me, you know, because people, they don't even look at you when you're homeless. They, they [ __ ] specifically avoid eye contact because you're not a human being to them. And like, I try, I find myself doing that sometimes now because I don't want them to like look at me and think I'm going to give them money. But, and it's really because I don't have cash. Who the [ __ ] carries cash anymore, you know? And I'm like, "Julie noted, I have hundreds on me for our tattoos, and I'm not giving you a [ __ ] hundred bucks, you know?" But like, but I feel bad. And so I don't look at them. And then I'm like, "Dude, I remember when people did that to me." And I like, "How [ __ ] like, I didn't even feel like a human being." Like the, the, the like dehumanization like that I fought like most of my life, that like I don't want to, I don't want to continue. I don't want to do to other people. And yet, you know, here I am because I tried to save all of them. I tried to rescue them. I tried to help them. Um, my best friend that I said that died, um, he, I had moved him into my home and put him in [ __ ] rehab. Like, I did everything to help this [ __ ] person for six months. I lost 30 [ __ ] pounds. He had done every goddamn thing you could do to a human being, you know? And I still tried to help him. He [ __ ] robbed me, raped me, [ __ ] uh, held me at like hostage in my own home for, um, [ __ ] three hours, you know, like. And I still tried to help him after that. And I put him in rehab. And I spent like, I didn't have any money. I just left my husband and left him everything that I had. And I, you know, spent like $1,600 a month paying for this guy's [ __ ] rehab and like, whatever. And it was like, and he still just ended up going back. And, you know, and then like, he [ __ ] dies seven years later. And, and I remember saying to people before I found out that he was dead that like, like, [ __ ] that dude. I don't care if he lives or dies. And like, when I found out he was actually dead, I was like, it [ __ ] me up for a goddamn year and a half. Like, I'm still [ __ ] up about it.

You can't save people from themselves, but you can help people who want to save them from themselves. That's. But that's the tough part. But here's the thing is tough as an addict. Like, I've heard people say that, but it's not even like if you want to, if you want help, because there were years and years that I wanted help, but it still couldn't be helped. I wanted to [ __ ] change, but I couldn't do it. Because you weren't ready for it, or what? I guess. And then, and then at some point, I was ready, you know? But it's like, nobody really offered me. I, I wasn't offered the hand that I've offered other people, you know? But like, if I was, I don't know that I would have [ __ ] stopped, you know? It's like taking that help. Yeah. When I finally did, I got like disability from the state of California for being [ __ ] mentally disabled or whatever. And like, I ended up paying all that money back 'cause I felt like [ __ ] about it. And I, I felt like I was using the system, and I didn't want to do that. And they were like, "You know how to pay this back, right?" And I was like, "I don't care. Like, let me do it, please." And so, um, but that was what got me off the street. And, and meaning the the money that you were getting because of this? Yeah. Disabled, like disability allowed you to get off the street. And then I got cleaned within a week.

Some would say then that that's a, that's the. I look at that as like a success story, right? And other people look at that as enabling. Except that I happen to get clean. No, I don't look at that as enabling. I look at that as a success story. My best friend who died, who I tried to rescue, he was getting disability the whole time and spending it all on heroin. So, it's like, yeah, how do you know? Like, I will say that I am a little bit guilty of this because I, like I said, I am socially liberal, right? So, I'm very laissez-faire when it comes to my finances. I'm like, [ __ ] you. Stop taxing me because I see the outcome of this stuff, right? Let me put it to you this way. It's not that I dislike my money going towards like helping people. It is the fact that I feel like it's. Yes, that's what I'm saying to [ __ ]. I, I saw an article that or my, I think Garrett told me about, my husband told me about, like they were spending like, I don't know, $8 billion and seeing if like Famos cuz staff is thumb. Exactly. Like, [ __ ] like that. Like, what the [ __ ]? Like, I pay 40% of my income to the government so that they can like put [ __ ] cocaine in a in a a gerbil or whatever the [ __ ] or some sort of some sort of NIH funded research or this or that. And I think to myself, like, you know, not to get into inside baseball, and, and by the way, I don't make as much money as you did or do, or I, I don't know anymore. But let me put it this way. The amount of money that we paid in taxes last year, me and my wife, in just our W2, not like our capital gains or whatever, was like enough to put the down payment on a home for like a $700,000 home. And I looked at that number and I thought to myself, like, I should look at this number and think to myself, like, "What good is coming from this?" Yeah, but it's nothing. And that's the problem. I, I instead of that, I feel, "How was this mismanaged? How was this misused?" And then, "How could I have better used this money if you were to give me back, if you were to take my tax dollars and give it back to me?" How could I have personally? I would have allocated it better in the city of St. Louis than they would have done federally. I guarantee you, 10 to one, right? I guarantee you, 100%. I would, I could have signed checks, $10,000 to 10 families and been like, "I, I understand my taxes are [ __ ] astronomical." And I'm like, "And it [ __ ] hurts you." It [ __ ] hurts. I don't pay them quarterly. So I'm like, at the end of the year, I'm like, like, "Dude, if I had that lump sum at the end of the year, I would too." Well, and I don't ever have it. It's like, "Where do you think this money is?" I don't have this [ __ ] Jesus Christ. Anyways, I have to pee so bad. Let's do it. Cheers again. Thank you for doing this. Yeah. Thanks for having me. I know this is [ __ ] stupid. I'm, I mean, I'm having a great time. I don't do anything anymore. I just like sit at home and read books and [ __ ] drink wine. And like, I feel like I've like, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, 'cause I feel like I've like reached whatever that is. First of all, I want to thank you because I know how valuable your time is and uh. No, I, I, I'm being, I'm being honest with this. I don't pay anybody to be on this podcast. So, for them to give to. Don't tell them that, dude. You're paying me so much money to be here. I'm super, I'm super important. Stop. That's the first lie you've told. That's the first lie you've told. No, I, I, I take, I take, you know, I, I look at that as like, uh, an immense amount of respect that people have given me and like, you know, money is a certain thing, but like time is, you can't make more time, right? So, thank you. You've given me. I'm happy to be around human beings, so it's good for me, too. Little does she know we're lizard people. No, I am a [ __ ] lizard. My husband's like, he's like, "I'm glad Cassie comes and picks you up." I have like one friend here in like, in in Illinois. She's like, "I'm glad she just comes and picks you up for no reason 'cause all you do is [ __ ] read." That's good. I know. I'm like, "There's worse things I could be [ __ ] doing, right? Than like reading like smutty romance novels." Like, whatever. Well, I mean, I think reading in general, I think reading is good, even if it's smutty. She knows. Maybe on the like, smutty romance novels. Dude, reading has become a thing. Poor. No, listen. So many women read now, and it's just because of these romance novels, and I love it. They say that the pornography for women is usually literature because they can envision it, and where men are more like, "Okay, we are physically visual." Women are more the fantasy visual, where they're envisioning something in their own head. As I'm literally reading the best porn I've ever. Well, that's hilarious that you say that considering the line of work. It's like corn. Well, because here's the thing, right? A lot of times we usually correlate physical stimulation to like the most amount of dopamine that we can create in our brain. And it's interesting for you as a woman to say, "Hey, listen. I'm reading these novels and I'm getting stimulated in ways." Exactly. I think there is a. I, I think that sex, and I wanted to ask you this question. I think that sex has gotten a bad rep from the overcommodification of it and the overfinancialization of that industry, and it's totally directed towards men. Yes. But it's still, it's so [ __ ] important. Sex, intimacy, connection, whatever relationship. Yeah. Yes. It's the bedrock of it. For me, more like 50%, but like, I think it's at least like a third. Yes. I would, I, let me ask you this. If you went up to a married couple and you said like, "Are you guys happily married?" And they said yes or no. And then the very next question you asked them is like, "How often do you have sex?" I bet you they're correlated. Yeah. If the man says, "I'm not happily married." And they're like, "We we have sex once a year." And by the way, I, I know that women don't verbalize this, but they're just as sexual as men. Yeah. But we just don't get the same stimulation that because again, men. Yeah. Men get stimulated from visualization or porn or like, whatever. And it's like, women need like a whole mental aspect to it that men don't often provide, especially in a committed relationship. They're [ __ ] over it. They're like, "You're married to me. You got to [ __ ] me anyway." Like, I disagree wholeheartedly. I would say I'm really happy for your wife. But I think for the majority of women, it's like, that's why that's why we're hung up on romance novels. The power of editing compels me. All right. You guys are lucky you didn't have to hear all of it. What we were talking about was I, I, I was kind of alluding to earlier in this conference. God damn it. Okay. What we were alluding to earlier in this conversation was the intimacy aspect when it comes to a physical act that you are in are doing, whatever that could be oral, anal, missionary, whatever, everything under the umbrella. I do subscribe to the aspect of. Okay. No, no. I, I'm gonna, I've never said this to someone who's like more. This is going to sound very. This is going to sound very douchy. Never said this to someone more learned than I am. I, I get more out of, and it could be like an individual thing, but like, when, when the occasion occurs to engage in intimacy, there is a lot that I get with my uh wife where it's like, you know, "I love you. I want you to enjoy this as much as I am." And I think that that is directly correlated to a like healthy relationship, right? And I think that some people sometimes think that, you know, getting to that end goal can sometimes be, "Oh, okay, like, I did it. We're married, or we're this, or we're that." And I, I said this off the record, and now I'm going to say it on. There seems to be a correlation when you ask a married couple like, "Are you happy in your relationship? Are you happy in your marriage?" And then the very second question you ask is, "How much do you have sex? How often do you have sex?" And usually, if they say they're unhappy with their marriage, it's correlated to the less physical action, right? And then if they are happy in the relationship, it's usually more volume. Right. Right. I guess what I'm trying to ask you is, we were talking about the correlation between the physical act, the emotional impact, the financial impact, but for you, as an individual, now you are married to be, you know, in that environment where you now are monogamous, you are dedicated to your husband. You know, I can, I can only attest for myself that the intimacy that I have now is far greater than the any of the actions that I've ever taken beforehand, right? And this is both like the, the, the most amount of respect that I can give my wife, but also being disrespectful, duly noted. So, I love you. I. That's an important part of sex. Well, this is what I was going to ask is essentially like, I know that when I came into my relationship, I was a little bit more experienced than my significant other, right? For you, that could also be the case. I'm not 100% sure. It was usually. Yeah. Has that altered anything? Has that affected anything? Or is that something that you've overcome? Or is that something you've had to have a conversation about? Um, I feel like we've had conversations about it. I'm also aware that like, some of the stuff that I have become accustomed to or, um, you know, given my previous line of work or whatever, like things that I expect or have grown to like, are not necessarily normal or typical or something that a normal human being wants to do. So, no. I don't know. If you ask a lot of people like, "You want to make lots of money?" They'll say they want to make lots of money, but they don't want to sh do the [ __ ] for free just in a marriage, I guess, depending on the person. Ooh, that's that's that's that's okay. That's fair. There are things that I would do for money that I don't really want to do for free. Well, yeah. And so, I can give my husband that same duly noted, that same olive branch, you know, that like, "Okay, for an example, if someone wanted to peg me." My wife can't do that. Really? But what the [ __ ]? How selfish. But there is a dollar amount. I'm just saying. Every man has a dollar amount. Listen, everyone has a price. Everyone has a price. But you wouldn't want it to be your wife. Why? Because she wouldn't respect you afterwards. I would only want my wife to beg me. Really? If anybody did it. No one else is. Yeah. By the way. Okay. But don't let her because really silly women want to do that [ __ ]. But like, we don't respect you after. No. Oh, I think I think there are like, you know, that's actually like the psychology of like, what you can get away with, right? Do you think that like some of the feminine quality is like kind of rebelliousness towards a man? Yes. But we want you to set the standard. Yes. We want you to revoke our authority. No, [ __ ]. This is not what you're doing. That is what we want because I have done. I mean, [ __ ] in the most respectful way. Yes. I have done that like very firmly. I'm like, "Thought that's what I wanted." And then when they acquiesced, I was no longer interested. And you're like, "Oh, I got one." And like, I shove [ __ ] [ __ ] up your ass. Like, I don't, I don't know. I don't. I was joking. I know. I'm like, "I don't really respect you the same." Like, I don't know. Yeah. I wouldn't either. The mirror afterwards, like, was it worth it? Yeah. No, I think that women like as a whole, even with this feminist movement and all this stuff, even these feminists, like deep down, they want a man to like [ __ ] dominate them. And dominate in a like, I feel like that's been so skewed with like the media. Even like Fifty Shades of Grey has like bastardized what like dominance is. That dude was abusive and [ __ ] mentally ill. Like, and so people who who take those that story as like a a directional for like BDSM relationships are doomed to fail. You know, that guy was like an insecure [ __ ] control freak. Like, "Oh, you're hanging out with your other friends." Same thing with like Twilight. Like, you know, women use that as like. There have been. Listen, I, I, I, I pulled the cord at sparkly men. All right. Yes. And that dude, like, that dude took his wife's like spark plugs out of her car so she couldn't go see her [ __ ] guy friend like too far, you know? But my my point is like, women, we do want like, we push buttons, but we want, we do it to like, I believe we do it for the men to like, assert their dominance, but it's a certain kind of dominance. It's not this like fake like alpha male. Like we were talking about before we started this podcast, like, anybody who says they're a [ __ ] alpha male ain't an alpha male, right? But like, there's a certain amount of like confidence or, um, it's, it's confidence, not arrogance, I guess what it is, that like we want. And so we push to find it. And we want men to like push back. And we want them to put us in our place. And even the biggest [ __ ] feminists, they're lying, but they want you to do that. They want a man to [ __ ] put them in their place. Well, I, I'm, I'm curious to see what you would say about this. So like, I will fully subscribe that there are a lot of men groups that I do. I want to be careful how I say this. You go to men groups? No, I don't go to men groups, but they exist. Like the red pill community, the black pill community. I didn't even know that was a thing. Everybody from Andrew Tate to the women haters. Right. Right. Now, a lot of the core, um, if you were to do a Venn diagram of all these groups, like kind of like where where they all kind of correlate is that a man should lead in all these other things. And call me old-fashioned, I do believe in that. But I also think that there is ground to be gained with the liberation of women. But as I feel like these masculine movements are setting men back, right, by kind of telling them what's not true, I feel like, and I'm going to get a lot of pushback from this, I hope not from you, but I feel like the feminism movement has generally lied to women. I think that there is ground to gain, but I don't think the liberation in the exact same paradigm that men have will actually lead to happiness in women. Men and women are not the same. Well, we like, we like responsibility and duty and all these other things. Well, women want the idea that they can do everything that a man can do, but I don't want to [ __ ] do it. Like, I don't want to goddamn take out the trash. That's a man's job. You want to live in a world where you could if you had to take out the trash, but I don't want to [ __ ] take out the [ __ ]. I don't want to go to work. I mean, I don't want to go to war. I don't want to do any [ __ ]. I want to like, if I could be a stay-at-home [ __ ] not even mother. I just want to be like a stay-at-home wife where I can just hang out and my husband like works and like pays all the bills and like I can like, I don't know, do laundry and like not have any responsibility. That sounds great to me. But I love the idea that I can work. And so like, I feel like the feminist movement has become it went from like being equal to men to being better than men, and that men are trash, and we hate all men, and men are all rapists, and blah, blah, blah. And, and I have gotten attacked from feminists more than anyone else on the internet. Like Twitter, oh my gosh, they came after me one time 'cause I posted literally and I quote, "Can we stop hating men please?" And I got. They said no. I got so much [ __ ] [ __ ]. Oh yeah. I got so much [ __ ]. It got reposted by like some [ __ ] famous like like feminist account, and like I have never been, like I had women like telling me they wish I get raped and like all this [ __ ] and I was like, "Wow, very feminist of you." But yeah, no, I think that like the feminist, you know, I've never told another man. You want to know what's never come.

out of my list? Women are [ __ ] cruel and awful. But like the other like I mean I don't know. It's it's it's funny because like these same women who are feminist and like feminist and they said because I'm technically I would be considered a feminist but like the real actual definition of one not like whatever new age like notion of what feminism is which is actually like [ __ ] men and I want to like be a man.

Can we dissect that? Like first age feminists were basically the proliferators of trying to reach true equality because under first wave feminism you did not have the right to the same rights as men. And mind you historically you guys can look this up. This is the truth. The original first wave feminism movement also had a lot of push back from women because a lot of the things that they were wanting came with responsibilities. Specifically the right to vote. The right to vote was afforded to men under the purview of the draft. Meaning, if we ever engaged in a sort of, you know, intercontinental battle where we have to go to war and we didn't have the necessary manpower involved, we could draft the populace into doing that. Women don't want to [ __ ] be drafted. They want equality, but not really.

Well, here's the thing. If you ask I don't want to [ __ ] be drafted. And if you ask any real man, any real man, right? They don't want their woman to be drafted either. This is where I think toxic masculinity is actually good. Toxic, I don't want my daughter going to war. I don't want my wife going to war. The actual definition of toxic masculinity is the lack of masculinity. Interesting. Okay. I mean, that's what I believe. I believe that toxic masculinity is a [ __ ] joke. But the real toxicity and masculinity is the lack of it. These feminist men who [ __ ] dude, they're the the real threat to women. Actual masculine men who protect their women and like fight for them and do their manly duties and and run their household and all this stuff. Like, nobody hates those men. Their women are [ __ ] happy. It's the women whose like men are [ __ ] like it was like during BLM and like these like white men with like [ __ ] blue hair. Yeah. And they're like little man buns were like like I do like a man bun. I do like a man bun. face down ass up in the street like [ __ ] apologizing to black dudes because their [ __ ] grandparents own slaves like nobody respects you. I'm sorry. Like I'm not going to [ __ ] apologize for the [ __ ] I didn't do. Like face off. I'm sorry. That's what they they were literally bowing down in the street. I'm like I will [ __ ] get on my knees for my husband and Jesus. And that's the [ __ ] God bless. Wait, but no [ __ ] woman respects him. They these feminists like they act like that's what they want. They don't [ __ ] want that. That's why they like end up with women with other women because they're like I can't respect feminist men are I'm sorry. I I I that's why I said earlier in this conversation like I don't mean to white knight. There is a part of me that feels like it is my duty as a man to protect and foster women because I that's how I was raised. Like when I was raised my mother was like hey listen you know you you hold the door for your lady. You treat her with the utmost respect and dignity. you don't disrespect her, don't argue with her, like these are things you do in the back. That's actual masculinity. And then my father would also teach me like the the man side of that. It was like, hey, you have to assert dominance in the sense of not making her do something but providing the leadership that would make her want to follow you. These are two different things. If I have to tell my wife to do something, I have failed. I failed as a man, right? The way it should work is I lead by example and then my wife follows me because she's like, "Hey, this is the guy that like I can see that."

Well, a man who's paying the bills, going to work, doing all the stuff, providing for his family, taking care of his children, uh doing whatever for us, doing make his wife his first priority, that woman wants to [ __ ] do laundry. Yes, she does. She wants to [ __ ] do all those things and care for the kids and do it's it's it's it's genetic. It's intrinsic. We've gone so far from that that it's become this like toxic thing because men who don't do [ __ ] [ __ ] expect their women to do all these like the women's work. This is where I was going to get to, but I'm going to go through it like through a long bout. But here's the thing I want to also say to that point. I don't think it's ever been harder to do the things as a man that you've said. I don't think it's ever been harder for a man to like really hold down the fort. Like I'll tell you this. I agree because it's hard. You can't have a one family income anymore. It's very You can where you live. You can if the man is You can if the man is You don't live in LA. Let me put it this way. [ __ ] New York. If your husband was making a million a year. A million a year. You still can barely live in California. Well, that's fair. That's not [ __ ] You're You're not inaccurate. Uh rust belt St. Louis. God bless. Uh where prices still seem somewhat honest. If you make a million a year, you can then tell your wife like, "Hey, listen. I'm holding down the fort. I'm doing all these other things. Can you please make this home into a castle? Make this a sanctuary for both you and I, for the kids. God bless. Like, that's not I hated this thing of like um because my wife is she's a very successful woman outside of me. She's an engineer. She's crushing it. She chose me. She did not need me, right? Which also then subsequently makes me work harder cuz I'm like, she doesn't need me at any moment. If she did not have me, she'd be fine. You know what I mean? Kind of. It kind of makes me I like that you take it that way, dude. It made me a better man, right? There was a moment in time, I don't know if I've ever said this on the podcast, but I'll say it now. There's a moment in time where she made more than me. And she came to me and she was like, I want you to know that we're a team that like this does not make me think less of you or that. And there is nothing she could have said in that conversation that would have hit my brain the whole time. She knew you could make more than No, no. I agree with the team. I agree with the team. I agree with all these other things. But if I'm going to request from her to bear my children, to change her body, to take on all these responsibilities, all this other stuff. The [ __ ] do you mean? You better be goddamn [ __ ] providing. It doesn't even mean that I have to make more, but I You have to be able to provide. Yes.

I mean, that's the thing is that like men still expect women to do the women's work, but then they also want them to get a job and make the same amount of money as them. And so we're supposed to work a full-time job and then also come home, raise the kids, [ __ ] do all the dishes, do all the laundry, do all these [ __ ] goddamn chores. It's unrealistic. It's unrealistic. And and and no wonder women are like flocking to like this this ugly version of feminism. And I'm not surprised because I get it because look, when I like if I'm expected to do to work like support my [ __ ] household plus like raise all the kids, [ __ ] homeschool, goddamn like make lunches for everybody, clean, cook, like dude, it's too goddamn much. Nobody can do that. And so it was easier and like, you know, 50 years ago when when mortgages were like [ __ ] $20 a month or whatever the [ __ ] they were, you know, and like people made less, but it was still it was possible for a single parent to like afford a household. Now you have to be pretty wealthy to be able to do that with like one income. However, like depending on upper class, upper class. However, to expect your wife to do all the housework and also work a full-time job while you only work a full-time job is completely asinine. And to expect her to respect you um in that situation, I think is Well, let me add a little nuance. Perhaps you'll agree with me or perhaps you won't. I think what happens is y'all need to do the dishes sometimes. Fair. Fair. No. No. You're not wrong. Okay, I'm going to tell you my paradigm. You'll tell me if I'm wrong or right. So, there are things that I do my own laundry. My wife doesn't do my laundry. You want to know why? She makes six figures. Yeah. I'm not [ __ ] doing anybody. I'm not doing anybody else's laundry. You want to know what I appreciate? She does my daughter's laundry. Yeah. I have never once I I don't know if it's because I do laundry like really badly. Like I just throw everything into She's never given you the opportunity. Yeah. Yeah. Like she saw me do laundry once. saw my husband do my laundry one time and I was like, "Never yet." Dude, I saw my wife see me do laundry trying to find my shorts for like 3 weeks. I have never seen my wife more unattracted to me than when she was watching me do laundry. She's like, "Did you just throw your whites and colors in?" I was like, "Baby, just [ __ ] pop from smell good."

All right, then. Let me put it to you this way. There are things that I expect from my wife that I think are adequate based on our input into the household. And this is the thing that I think is missing. So like I am for empowerment of women. I really am. I have a daughter and I want her to have every opportunity that I have. Even though I know like fundamentally she might not resonate with the same things that I do, I want her to have a man when she's older that is like masculine and and proper and disciplined and responsible. Not even takes care of her, takes care of himself and his responsibilities. It has never been harder than today for men to be men. I do believe this. I agree. Both. Especially when they're raised being [ __ ] raped and they don't even know that they're men. I mean, it's like you you tell people you tell men it's it's it's wrong to be masculine. You make it our our whole generation has not been raised to be men. They've been raised to be toxic. I think they've been raised to be victims. Yes. Absolutely. And and in so being toxic. Like I've noticed that the more emasculated a man is with me, the more [ __ ] abusive they are. So I go out of my way to try because they lash out. Yeah. They're angry internally. Men in like intrinsically want to be men. And like Okay. So like me for example, I'm really good at [ __ ] I'm really [ __ ] dude, I can do everything because I was homeless and I never had help and I learned how to like figure I'm really good at figuring [ __ ] out. I can come up with solution to anything. I can change your tire. I can do all these goddamn things. And I've been like in relationship with men and I have to literally pretend I can't do the change the goddamn tire because I don't want to emasculate them. I'm like, "Oh, let's just call Triple A because like uh neither of us know."

I'm going to say something very douchy. I'm going to say something very douchy. To be able to do something and then choose not to do it because he can. That's not emasculating or emasculating. That's allowing him to be a man. But Right. But if he doesn't take the opportunity to learn, but if he himself doesn't know how to do it, Yeah. Then that's emasculating, right? But that's Am I wrong? But also they're raised that way because like our generation of parents were all like our moms and dads were both working, right? Like you're 32. I'm 32. Both my parents had to [ __ ] work to provide us a household. Who was supposed to teach my brothers how to change their goddamn tire? Like when was your father? Yeah, I know. But when because he was when he's not working. I mean I agree. My my father I'm sorry. This is where I put No, I mean I agree. you want to have children take on that responsibility. At least half of our generation was not taught how to do those things. And so, but even still, there's goddamn YouTube. I learned how to do a lot of things from goddamn YouTube because have a man to do this [ __ ] for me. So, I figured out how to do it. And now I'm like, dude, I'm so good at doing stuff that like I have to pretend I'm not to like man make a man feel like a man. And that's embarrassing. I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that. I don't agree that I should have to do that.

Well, well, here's the thing. You can be you can be okay. There are things that I do for my wife that she could easily do. And there are things that she does for me that I could easily do, right? But it's not a reflection of like deasc or emasculating me or me like, you know, taking away from her femininity for me doing this. It's what I it's what I do when I feel the urge to do it because I love her. So like sometimes I'll cook or if I don't feel like cooking, I won't tell her to cook. I'll be like, "We're going." I feel like men should cook. Well, all men are actually better cooks. Well, men should know how. Okay. Knowing how to do something and choosing not to do it is vastly different from not knowing how to do it. There are certain things that men should like women should not take out trash. I'm sorry. That is a man's job. I don't want to [ __ ] take out the trash. What if my wife argued with me and said, "I want to take out the trash." Then she should take out the trash if she really wants. But then, but then am I less of a man because of it? No. But automatically, if it's not discussed, I think it's a man's job. I think I think it's it's to be discussed. I don't want to touch trash. I'm a [ __ ] woman. I'm supposed to be a lady. Yeah. I'm not supposed to play with the trash. What if my wife didn't want to take half my goddamn life playing with trash? I don't want to play with it now. I I I guess what I'm trying to do I make six figures, seven figures. I don't want to take out the goddamn trash. I'm just saying. Yes. If your wife specifically was very seven. No, I don't know what I made. It's less than [ __ ] Yo, I'm going to have to take this tie off. Seven. Listen, it's low now. It's low. Seven at some point. Yeah, kill me. Seven. I think I made like 200 grand this year. Okay. Seven. And that was the lowest I made since I was like 19. But but before that, I was homeless. So it's like Yeah. I've had these two extremes. You know what I was looking when I was 19? [ __ ] dick. Yeah. I listen I worked a [ __ ] I worked 90 hours a week for my ex-husband and made goddamn like [ __ ] 30 grand a year. And then also at night made [ __ ] $3,500 a day. Like so I was like working this [ __ ] multi like yeah obscene am making an obscene amount of money at night but like still having to go to work at this like [ __ ] shop because when I and when I finally quit he said he called me disloyal and I'm like he broke his [ __ ] back and I had to like take off work to take care of him and change his [ __ ] socks and he called me disloyal for quitting my job and I was like okay dude whatever.

Let me let me ask you this actually. When is it acceptable for a man This is a I want to be careful. Forgive me. I want to word this properly. When Let me let me word it through a little bit of anecdotal. Okay. When I was young, my father was unemployed for a time and my mom held down that fort. Like my mom my dad was like during '08 housing crisis lost his job, lost his business, right? For 9 months to 15 months, man, if he brought home $10,000 that year, I'd be surprised, right? But my mom hold held that [ __ ] down. And then vice versa when my mom was sick terminally with cancer, my dad was there, right? So like I saw even though we were poor, I had a really good example of like what it means to be married. It wasn't it wasn't dude I rest in peace. I want to be very careful how I say this is about my mom, right? I'm sure there were years years where my parents did not engage in physical activity, right? Yet, I saw them take the responsibility that they signed up for very [ __ ] seriously, right? We have kind of tiptoed around relationships and boundaries and responsibilities, but I'd like to understand from you like what do you think is acceptable and not acceptable? When has it crossed that boundary of like what you're asking of me is too much? I feel like everybody has decided they don't want their responsibilities in our day and age. Women don't want to do women's work. Men's don't want to men don't want to do men's work. So, nobody does any work and relationships don't work out and then everybody's gay cuz like they'll find a woman who will work harder than a man and men will find a man who will do housework better than a goddamn woman. Um, but I I I only disagree with the last portion. But outside of that, outside of that, outside of that, you're not [ __ ] wrong. No, but but I think I see a lot of men that don't up to their ma don't own up to their masculinity and I see a lot of women that talk like men and I'm like, girl, no wonder you're not a dude. I've been that man like my whole life. Like I [ __ ] I believe I'd be a better husband than most [ __ ] men because I'm like better at being a man than most men. And that's pathetic. Like a lot of that is because like I was never given there was nobody to support me my whole life. My dad didn't support me. I was homeless. There weren't [ __ ] men supporting me supporting me when I was homeless. I learned how to do every goddamn thing myself. You've been forced to it. I learned how to make money. I learned how to pay bills. I learned how to [ __ ] build furniture. I learned how to [ __ ] take care of cars. I learned how to change breaks. And then you and then I find a guy who like can't do any of that [ __ ] You know what I mean? Because like his life was different than mine.

Here's what I'm going to say. That's acceptable if if he can outsource it. If he is going to goddamn do the dishes, that's No. No. If he can outsource it or do the dishes, but to expect me to change the tires and do the dishes is obscene. I'm not going to do the men's work and the women's work. I have done that, but I'm not interested in that. And that makes me not respect the man that I'm with. What are you bringing to the table? Yeah. I feel like this is acceptable. We're going to edit that last portion out. No, I feel like this is fair. Well, I have to edit it now cuz I said it. No, we just edit the part where we're talking about editing. Listen, we we got to put an end to this and let's just have [ __ ] dinner so we can so we can have a real [ __ ] conversation. But this [ __ ] is true though. I think Can I Can I give you a couple compliments? I don't think I always You can give me as many compliments as you want. I'm not trying to sound like I'm I'm I'm um I had an idea of what this episode was going to be before we had it and I had an idea of the questions that I was gonna ask you where I wanted to cater it to. By all means, get to any of them. They never do, Arian. But but I've lost track of time which indicates that I've had an immense amount of I said this the reason I started this podcast is cuz I truly enjoy having conversations with people. But whenever I can do like a three, four, five hour conversation, I'm just like what time is it? [ __ ] yeah. [ __ ] yeah. Right. You asked questions today that truly stumped me and kind of changed you've changed some of my preconceived notions. You've strengthened some others, which is nice. I'm glad, but you've also forced me to kind of like look a little bit inward. And there were some things that I I thought beforehand. And you know, whenever you talk to someone that has firsthand account, firsthand knowledge, and has experience in the field, it's like, well, I have to take your word. I hope you're talking about pedophiles, but go on. Yes. Okay. Um, I also want to say that out of all the guests that I've ever had, you you're definitely the most established, prolific, whatever it is that you want to use to say this. So, for you to spend the time that you have with me, um, I don't say this often, like really thank you. You could have been doing anything else with your evening, but you decided to be here with me. Smut probably, but you too. Oh, yeah. I'll get that done later tonight though. Alicia, thank you so much. Absolutely. Thanks for having me. Are you [ __ ] kidding me? Yeah. No, I'm happy. I'm happy to. I'm glad when I get to talk about something other than like two dicks in the ass. I'm going to have to do so much editing on this video. It's so hard because Or not, you know? Or you could like just like not edit you. I'm going to have to take every time we said porn, including this time, I'm going to have to put porn. Just put a [ __ ] emoji. Yes. Just my face is a corn. I feel like on YouTube we should be allowed to discuss something when we're not like we're not being graphic. We're discussing Look at this. Look at this innocent woman that has never been on YouTube. I'm just saying we should be able to discuss the pros and cons of something that's affecting the majority of the world. I don't think that there I mean obviously YouTube does whatever the [ __ ] it wants but I believe there should be freedom of speech to discuss and we're not like going into graphic detail about like what somebody likes or doesn't like sexually. We're talking about whether or not it affects society in a positive or negative way. And if YouTube has a problem with that, [Laughter] hey, you'll let there be like goddamn child porn on YouTube but like not let us talk about it. like, okay, good [ __ ] point. That's all I'm saying.

Be before before I uh put a close to this, was there something that you wanted to either say or uh make didn't kill himself? Not [ __ ] lying. And Jet Fuel cannot melt seal beams. Yeah. And how the [ __ ] did we forget about all this in like one year? Or the fact that like, dude, don't get me started. Don't get me started. the fact that like, you know, if Obama would have been shot in the [ __ ] ear, we would have never heard the end of it until now. Yet, because it was an orange man, we still have no [ __ ] knowledge whatsoever. And here's the thing about this. It's like neither red nor blue a political candidate for president two months out of the election. We're shot in the [ __ ] head and we all brush that [ __ ] under the table. Regardless how you feel, by the way, if it was Kamla, I would be equally as like, "What the [ __ ] What the [ __ ] I There are a lot of things. Next time you're on, let's start with Epstein. I'll [ __ ] talk about Epstein all goddamn day. Well, it's it's, you know, pedophilia. Yeah. Let me talk about [ __ ] Epstein. Goddamn. Alicia, let me just tell you really quickly. When Epstein that whole thing came out, I bought a [ __ ] I I was living in California and I bought a [ __ ] AR-15 and I told you I've been on like state disability. So, I don't know how the [ __ ] they approved me for it, but I got a goddamn allegedly an AR50 purchased allegedly with government funds. I was honest and they goddamn gave it to me. So, like, [ __ ] off. But I thought we were all go the whole nation was going to war and then nobody gave a [ __ ] and then and then BLM happened a week later. Yeah. And then a week later BLM happened and then like everybody was in the goddamn streets and I was like, really? This is why we're [ __ ] revoling. I listen, I love black people. I hope like [ __ ] racism, but like really that's what we're revoling over like nothing whatever. Can I can I say this? A bunch of children being raped like seems like a [ __ ] bigger deal. Well well can I say this and I'm curious to see if you would agree with her agree or disagree. I think where Epstein is one pillar of control. Diddy was the other. Oh yeah. And I'm sure there's a third. Yeah, but we've never goddamn seen anybody get arrested for it other than them. Well, you know, the fact why did like Max The fact that Diddy's still alive is actually like kind of crazy to me. Yeah, but what Epstein's wife like the fact that like Jizzine Jizzelene. Gilane. Jizzine. That's how you say Gain. Jizzine. I looked that up. Yeah, but none of her [ __ ] her [ __ ] whole trial was redacted. We didn't get to see a goddamn [ __ ] word in it. And like nobody was arrested. John Doe. Jane Doe. Oh yeah. Everybody's non-existent. The fact that she's still alive means she's going to get out and she'll be fine. Yeah. It's crazy. Well, I I happen to believe that Ephesians are alive, but I'm also like a little bit of a No, I think he's dead. I I know a guy. Listen, there's a pictures of him like his corpse and his ear. Like, listen, look at his goddamn ear and then look at his real ear. I'm just saying. How does your ear change that much? Did he have ear surgery or am I insane? We're both speculating. We're both speculating. All I know is based on people that have told me that are like in like private security slash like he is actually higher up. It's um he was like the lowhanging fruit and that they actually think the reason why they won't off Diddy in the same way was because Epstein got caught. So like it's kind of like this like you know uh trail that you're leaving and more importantly is a higher hanging. No, no, no, no. Diddy's the lower hanging fruit. I would think because Epstein was the diddy for aristocrats, for politicians, for world leaders. Diddy was football players and rappers and whatever black people. It is what it is. Alicia, listen. All I know is black lives matter. Yeah, but but our country still thinks have a low hanging fruit. [Music]