Transcription
All right, so here's the problem. Everyone's obsessed with red flags, right? Narcissism, avoidance, gaslighting. Is my partner secretly manipulating me? And I get it. We have to protect ourselves. The last thing I would ever want is for you to get into a relationship with someone who eventually neglects or takes advantage of you.
But here's the issue. Actually, there's two issues. One, the absence of red flags doesn't mean the presence of green ones. And two, especially when we're dating, there aren't going to be very many red flags at first because we're all in our best behavior, especially a narcissist.
So then, what's the solution? The solution is, yes, absolutely learn about red flags. Learn about what shouldn't be present. But just as important, also identify what should be present. What green flags you should look for in a partner. Because once you truly understand green flags, it's so much easier to spot red ones. And that's not always the case the other way around. Just because someone isn't a narcissist doesn't mean they are a good partner for you.
In fact, according to the experts who deal with spotting counterfeit money, they even admit they don't waste a lot of time learning about all the fake bills out there. They spend all their time studying their real ones. The way they feel, the way they look, the details that others would miss. They learn about what real actually looks like, and then it's so much easier to spot a fake.
And that's my hope for you. If you learn about what real love looks and feels like, if you learn about what you deserve – kindness, mutual respect, reciprocation, emotional safety – it's much easier to spot the fake versions of those. It's actually counterproductive to spend a whole lot of time analyzing, "Is this person a narcissist?" Because even if you're asking that question, this isn't the right person for you because they don't have the green flags that you know you deserve in this relationship. It doesn't matter if they're a covert narcissist, or if they have avoidant attachment, or if they're just a jerk. They clearly don't care about a healthy relationship with you, and that's all that matters.
If you forget everything I say in this video, remember this: The largest green flag for your relationship is, how do they make you feel? Do you feel safe around them? Do you feel prioritized and respected? Is there consistency, or are they hot and cold? Because that would make anyone feel anxious. Do they reciprocate the effort you're putting in? Are you scared to be honest with them about how you're actually feeling? Or how about this one: Are you confused about where you stand with them, even after months of being together? Because that's your answer of where you stand with them. Someone who sees you as valuable and wants this relationship to work will put in the time and effort, and it will be evident. We all prioritize what we value, right? No relationship is perfect, but I promise you, if things don't start out healthy, marriage doesn't fix that. I don't need you to have a perfect relationship. I just need you to have a mutually respectful one. I need you to have a safe relationship. I need you to have a relationship where you both care how each other feels, loved and valued. There's nothing that we can do to control every variable to make sure that our relationships work, but what we can do is set ourselves up for the best chance of success by becoming the right type of person and picking the right type of person. So let's talk about what that looks like.
All right, let's start this list already. Let me know in the comments what I forgot to add. All right, number one: Don't get serious with anyone who hates dogs. Right? I mean, those people just tend to be weirdos. All right, that was just a joke. I was just seeing if you were all still paying attention. Seems like you are, so we can move on to the real list.
Number one is always going to be communication. When you meet someone, of course, it's physical attraction that you notice first, but it's how you communicate and interact together that's going to make you either want to continue seeing them or move on to someone else, right? It's a green flag if they can actually listen to you and take an interest in what you're saying and ask some appropriate questions. It's a red flag when they turn everything back to being about them.
I think we can all agree humor is a green flag. Are they able to make jokes without coming across as rude? Are they only making jokes about you, or are they giving themselves a hard time too? Because too many people can dish it out but not take it, right?
Another great trick is to listen to how they argue with other people. Listen to how they disagree with people about politics or religion or other things that they're passionate about. Can they do it with respect? Can they allow someone else to hold a different viewpoint or perspective without dismissing or invalidating them? That's going to give you a big clue for how they're going to handle important conflicts with you one day.
I think it's a green flag that once you start to get more serious, you can talk about important issues together. Ask how long they normally see someone before they make things official. And only date that one person. Ask them what annoys them the most about how other people handle conflict. What did they fight most about in their last relationship? Ask them about what respect looks like to them. Ask them about what it looks like for someone to value them. Ask them about any boundaries that are important to them. We think having these hard talks early on might lead to disconnection, right? But it's actually the other way around. Having these talks and setting a standard for how you both want to be treated and how you want to talk to each other, especially during a conflict, is exactly what prevents disconnection later on. If you're worried that talking about your boundaries with someone is going to turn them off, that's not your person. No one is going to set a standard for how you should be treated. That's your job.
All right, number two. When they see a dog approach them, do they get excited, or do they have this look of like, disgust? What's that? I'm being told we've already discussed this. Okay, I'm so sorry. I'll move on.
Number two. Everyone says narcissists are going to trick you in the beginning, which is true. But here are a few areas narcissists really struggle faking. One of the green flags I want you to see in any new partner is accountability. Can they admit when they've made a mistake? Can they say the words, "I'm sorry"? That's a green flag you need to see. And I get it, in the beginning, there's not going to be a lot to apologize for, hopefully. So we forget to pay attention to this. But have you ever heard them say "I'm sorry" to anyone? Not, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Not, "I'm sorry you took it that way." How about, "I'm sorry I hurt you. That wasn't my intention, but I care about how my words and actions affect you. Can we talk about this?" Because everyone messes up. Mature people learn and grow from their mistakes. Immature people always find a way to blame someone else so they don't have to reflect or change, right?
Now, the other side of that coin is when some people get called out, they develop this attitude of, "Woe is me. Oh, I'm just the worst. Why would anyone want to be with me? You should just leave me and be with someone else." That's not humility, accountability, or maturity either. That doesn't make them a bad person, but it's a sign that there's some healing that needs to take place. Because you can be prideful and never admit you're capable of making a mistake, or you can be shameful and think you are a mistake. Neither of those actually repair the hurt or rebuild trust with your partner.
The other thing a narcissist doesn't fake well is empathy. It's a green flag when someone attempts to step into your shoes and actually tries to understand what you're experiencing while validating your experiences and feelings as real. A narcissist has no intention on doing that. The truth is, empathy plays a massive role in whether your relationship makes it or not. At the center of most of our issues is distance and disconnection due to a lack of empathy from one or both partners. Empathy gets curious. Empathy seeks to understand by asking questions. And it's especially hard to ask questions about a hurt that you might have caused. "Tell me about what led you to feel that way. What meaning did you give that? What do you need from me to repair this and feel close again?" There's a big difference between fake empathy, someone saying, "Yeah, I know what you're going through," and real empathy, "I don't know what you're going through, but I can see that you're in pain, and that matters to me. I'm right here. I'm willing to talk whenever you're ready, and I hope you feel supported and loved throughout this."
Another thing a narcissist rarely fakes is actual vulnerability. Can they talk about their fears? Can they talk about their needs, wants, and desires? Can they talk about their insecurities and flaws that they want to improve upon? Rarely have I ever heard of a true narcissist having any desire to connect with themselves or share in that way. I'm not saying you need to bear your heart on the first few dates. Of course, that type of oversharing can be unattractive. But if you're getting serious with someone, it's a green flag when you can both actually be vulnerable and honest with each other about your inner world.
The last green flag that a narcissist really struggles faking is that they will never celebrate your wins. When you get that promotion, when you achieve that goal, it's a green flag when someone can give you admiration and praise. They can say, "I'm so happy for you. You worked so hard. You deserve this." It's a red flag when someone says, "Great job, but you would have never been able to accomplish that without me and my help." People who say that kind of stuff are so insecure on the inside. They have created this fantasy world and they project their insecurities onto you because their entire world would come crashing down if anyone else was deserving of praise. And if you grew up hearing something like that, my heart truly breaks for you. If you had a narcissistic parent like that, I hope you realize that that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own shame and guilt and fear on the inside of them.
All right, number three. If they do hate dogs, there needs to be some sort of a story around that. Did they have a traumatic experience when they were young? That's forgivable and understandable. But let's work through that healing and face our fears so we don't miss out on interacting with one of the world's most lovable creatures, right? Right.
Also, it's a green flag if they have a growth mindset. And I don't mean just for their job, which is really important in itself, that they're willing to work if they're able. I just mean, do they care about growing as a person? All this research that I'm doing about relationship dynamics, do you know one of the largest roadblocks that I keep seeing? People aren't self-aware. They aren't emotionally maturing. They have no capacity or desire for self-reflection, which is essential if we actually want to connect and experience intimacy and closeness with another person. I mean, think about it. If you don't value your own awareness and connecting with yourself, you're really going to struggle staying connected to someone else. And I know, because that was me. If you have a habit of dismissing your own feelings and needs, of course, it makes sense that during conflict, you dismiss their feelings and needs as well. The only problem is, that's the fastest way towards disconnection.
So how do we become aware? We intentionally start paying attention to what we're feeling. We look into our conflicts. We reflect in those difficult moments and ask questions. "It seems like I got really defensive back there. I wonder why." We check in with ourselves. "Something's going on. I'm upset. Do I feel overlooked, blamed, neglected, unappreciated? What happened to lead me to feel that way? And how did I express that? Did I get passive-aggressive and critical? Did I shut down and pull away? What did I actually need in that moment that I wasn't getting? And did I actually communicate that to my partner, or was I too afraid that it would just lead to another fight?" We can all struggle with this stuff. It can feel very foreign. But when we don't understand our own feelings and emotions, we don't have the capacity to understand our partners either. And if we dismiss and push our own feelings away, we will push theirs away too, and that will lead them to feeling very alone. We need to be mature enough to look into our own destructive defaults that we all have, like contempt, having a superior attitude, or yelling, or defensiveness, or name-calling, or invalidation, or shutting down, or even being passive-aggressive. If we don't at least bare minimum pay attention and take accountability for our own faults and admit these aren't actually working, they're not helping anything, then of course, we're just going to repeat them over time.
It's a green flag when you're dating someone who is actually interested in becoming a better version of themselves. Again, this isn't about perfection. It's simply an acknowledgement. If you hurt your partner with your mouth, with your words, if you avoid and shut down, then you have something you need to change, as we all do. I'm not saying you're broken or flawed, but I am saying if you want this relationship to be mutually fulfilling, you need to learn a new strategy because this one isn't working. It's a massive green flag for both of you to become safe places where you other can learn about how to identify and express feelings and needs. Most of us did not grow up in safe environments where we were able to do that. But what happened to us isn't our fault. Healing from it is our responsibility, right? So become someone safe that your partner can share with.
Now, here's the disclaimer. Of course, we have to be careful. I'm not saying your relationship should just be full of complaints. That's why Dr. John Gottman says that we should be aiming for a 15:1 ratio in your relationship. 15 positive interactions of affection and admiration and appreciation, smiles, hugs, jokes, laughs, to every one negative interaction. But this is so important. The goal isn't to get rid of the negative. The negative emotion is still super important. And when our partner expresses a negative emotion vulnerably and respectfully, let's work to see the hurt underneath that complaint and the unmet need under their frustration. It's a green flag when someone asks questions about your experience or your feelings instead of just dismissing or defending or invalidating. It's a green flag when someone validates what you're going through as real, even if they don't agree with all the details. They can still take accountability. I'm not saying that apologize for things that you didn't do. I'm not saying validate accusations that aren't true. But are you willing to take accountability for any unintentional hurt? What that sounds like is, "I'm so sorry. I can see how when I told that joke about you at the party, that really hurt you and you felt rejected. That was wrong. Thank you for telling me how you feel." And then we change accordingly. Because the best apology is changed behavior.
Lastly, how you manage conflict is often times going to be the determining factor of whether your relationship thrives or dies. So learn how to do it respectfully. Right off the bat, trust me when I say it's worth the risk of discomfort to be honest about your boundaries because conflict is either going to build trust and connection or it's going to break it. It all depends on how you both handle it together.
Number four. It's not a red flag if someone doesn't like cats. Cats are very self-centered. They really don't care about anyone but themselves. I'm not saying we should be mean to them. I'm just saying if narcissism was an animal, it would probably be a cat. What's that? I'm being told they're all done with this joke. Okay, we're going to move on.
Another green flag is, do they see you as an equal? Because if they do, there shouldn't be any dominance in this relationship. You never deserve for someone to speak down to you or call you names or touch you when you don't want to be touched. Dominant people have no issue looking down their nose at you and making those critical and disrespectful comments towards you, but they would never tolerate that same behavior from you, would they? That's the things that you need to be paying attention to. The moment that your partner or anyone talks to you like that and you think, "Man, I would never get away with this," that's a red flag, as in a stop sign that needs to be addressed before it becomes a pattern. So often, we stay silent because maybe the trauma that we endured early in our life, we have fallen into a submissive role where you feel like you don't know how to stand up for your needs and you don't know how to set boundaries with dominant people. And I can completely understand how scary that is. I'm just here to remind you, there is no place for dominance or disrespect or superiority in relationships. It only has one destination, and it's not happily ever after. You deserve someone who cares about respecting your boundaries. And if you feel scared to set boundaries or be honest about how you're actually feeling, I would strongly encourage you to speak to a professional about that. The truth is, mutual respect is essential. That means treating the other person the way you would like to be treated as well, like you're valuable and worthy of kindness and consideration, because you are. We respect our partner by learning about them. What are their preferences and values? What do they need to feel close and loved in this relationship? What are their boundaries around sexuality, conflict, in-laws, work? Self-centered people never think about asking any of those questions. But self-centeredness and love don't coexist.
It's a green flag when each partner actually has a desire to feel like a team in this relationship. And teamwork demands that we talk about things like the domestic labor and the mutual chores. It's a green flag when we can check in with each other, "Hey, how are your stress levels? Do you feel overwhelmed? Would you even be able to come to me if you felt neglected or overlooked?" I mean, you want to talk about the ultimate green flag? That's being humble enough to invite your partner to be honest about how they actually feel, even if it causes some discomfort in you. And I'm not saying that this gives them a license to lash out at you, or this is an opportunity to put them down. No, I'm saying when you're humble and considerate enough to ask those questions because you truly want to be a safe place for each other, that should calm their nervous system. If it does, and they're still taking advantage of you, that's when you need to speak to a professional if you actually want this relationship to continue.
And the last thing I want to say about respect is, it's a green flag when you see them respecting strangers. How do they treat people who can do nothing for them? How do they respect their parents, their siblings, their exes? If all they talk about is how terrible their exes were and they don't take any accountability for how those relationships were toxic or immature, guess what? You can just replace their name with your name, because that's exactly how they're going to talk about you one day. That's why I always say you need to be talking about your boundaries and needs early on. That's the best narcissist prevention. Because a narcissist hates the idea of you being assertive about your needs and desires. All they care about is control. If you can't be controlled, they will move on, which will sting in the moment, but it's going to be a blessing in the long run. So don't be afraid to talk about your boundaries respectfully. The only people that punish you for that were the people that were planning to take advantage of you.
Okay, number five. Are they trustworthy? Just like dogs. Are you thought I was done with the dog thing? But I'm not. Okay, I'm committed to this bit. All right, I'll stop. But you're going to be disappointed when I don't say anything for number six. That's on all you. I got to be honest with you. Trustworthiness probably should have been number one. I, uh, I'm sorry about that. I just thought of it. So if you could pretend that that's higher on the list, that would be great.
So what makes someone trustworthy? First, they follow through on what they said they were going to do. Their actions match their words. They are reliable. And if something happens, if they make a mistake, they forget, of course, we're all human. They own it. They don't immediately blame everyone else or everything else. They apologize and they move on with some sort of a plan or communication for how they're going to learn and grow from this experience. That's called maturity.
Two, are they honest and transparent? That doesn't mean they tell you every detail about their life. It just means they aren't purposefully hiding things from you. Trustworthy people have integrity. That means doing the right thing even when no one's watching you. If your Spidey senses are tingling and this new person seems like they're consistently lying or deceiving you, or something's off, you're probably right. The truth is, trust isn't simply confidence that someone won't cheat. It's the foundation of a healthy relationship that everything else rests on. Trust is actually a sense of safety and security that this person cares. If I need them, if I can reach for them, they will be there for me. They show up. I know that I matter to them.
So the million-dollar question is, do you trust them? It's a massive green flag when you're with someone who actually cares about building trust in this relationship because that means showing up and putting in the work. It builds trust when we care enough to ask, "Is there anything I can do for you this week that can help you feel valued and prioritized?" Because most of us have never heard that. But that's what love actually sounds like. It sounds like intentionality and curiosity and effort. And let me be clear, I'm not saying that people should say this from a place of anxiety or fear, like constantly checking in, "Is everything okay? Do you still like me? Please don't leave. I'll do anything." Of course, that would be a turnoff for anyone. That's not maturity or love. I'm just saying that when you care about someone, check in with them. Reassure them, "Hey, if you need something, if you feel like something's off, I want to be a safe place where you can share that." That's what builds trust over time. Intentionality, mutual sacrifice, mutual respect, consideration, affection, attention, safety, vulnerability, putting in the work of selflessness and emotional connection together. This is what makes your bond strong. Ignoring this stuff just weakens your bond, and you'll wonder why years later people say, "We just fell out of love." No, they didn't fall out of love. They never actually had love. They had chemistry, they had passion, they might have had a trauma bond, they had had the bedroom. They didn't have trust or safety. I promise you, they never built their relationship house on a strong foundation. Spending a lot of years together doesn't result in connection, does it? That's because it requires something from each of you. It requires protecting against and repairing disconnection, which happens all the time in our relationships.
All right, number six. Independence. Now, it's normal in the beginning, we all want them to be obsessed with us, right? But it's actually very attractive when they don't make you the center of their universe, and vice versa. I mean, just think about everybody's so concerned with narcissists, right? One of the first tells of a narcissist is them love bombing you, showering you with attention and love and praise, telling you they've never felt this way about anyone, right? Twin flames, all while slowly isolating you from your friends and family. But if you really cared about avoiding a narcissist, then you would slow down in the beginning and maintain your life outside of this person. I'm not saying don't see each other. I'm saying it's a green flag when you can both maintain a life separate from each other. At first, have a great time together, sure. But I have a tendency to throw on my rose-colored glasses and fall in love quick. So if that's you, you probably need to slow down and make sure that you're not making them the center of your universe.
It's also a green flag when you can see that they have other healthy relationships outside of this one. Do they have healthy friendships? How do people at work talk about them? Do you feel comfortable around their friends? Because I've seen those alpha male videos where they teach guys how to ignore girls so that they'll like them. They aren't allowed to initiate. They never give a compliment. They play these games where they're very distant. They never text you because that's what they were told makes you want them more. This is manipulation, and it's called being an a-hole. And it does work with some women, but it's usually unhealed people who have had some trauma in their life and they're used to chasing people for external validation of their own worth and value. So congratulations, you triggered her abandonment wound to get her to sleep with you. What a great example of a real man you are. Not to mention that all of these alpha males never have consistent, stable relationships because being an a-hole might attract women, it doesn't keep them.
All right, moving on. I think it's a green flag when a person you're dating has purpose in their life. They're driven towards some sort of a goal, right? They're already a well-rounded individual. They aren't looking for you to save them. It's attractive when someone doesn't actually need us, even though that seems counterintuitive. That doesn't mean they don't want you in their life, but they don't need you to be happy. Now, of course, this can get tricky because some people are so driven, they prioritize work and hobbies above everything else, and it slowly becomes clear that they don't actually want or have time for a real relationship where they need to put in the effort that connection requires. So that's just something that you'll have to decide on your own.
All right, number seven. Let's talk about some green flags around personality. Everybody's personality is different, I get that. But when it comes to dating, I think it's a green flag when they are flexible in nature, that they can compromise. I think it's super important to pay attention to how rigid people are. I'm not saying they're wrong to freak out when plans change. I'm not saying that they're a bad person when things don't go exactly the way that they wanted to. There's a lot of people who are neurodiverse and they can't help it. But it's still something that we need to pay attention to because it might not be a good fit for you.
For me, it's a green flag when someone has an attitude of gratitude. Do they tend to look out for things to be grateful for, or do they tend to filter through the negative? Do they appreciate life, or are they just so stressed that they can't go a few minutes without complaining? I think it's a green flag when someone's intentionally appreciative. They go out of their way to offer encouragement. They're supportive. They're generous. They're thoughtful. You told them about your job interview tomorrow, so they texted you an hour before and said, "Hey, you're going to knock it out of the park. I'm really proud of you, babe." These are the little things that people fall in love with. These are the little moments that build the most trust and help us feel loved and supported. It's greeting them at the door, giving them a hug goodbye. It's playfulness. It's your humor. It's having fun together. It's intentionally setting aside time to reconnect through talking and touching and doing something with them. Doing the dishes so they don't feel like it's always their responsibility. Learning about their dreams and desires and needs. This isn't the extra stuff. This isn't going above and beyond. The experts all agree, these are the essentials.
The bottom line is, who you choose to be in a serious relationship with, and who you choose to give your body to, and who you choose to marry and have kids with, is a really big deal. And even though I've never met you, I really do care about you, and I just want you to be set up to have the most fulfilling relationship possible. And some of that is becoming the right type of person, and some of that is choosing the right type of person, right?
And what we don't realize is, some of you have never experienced actual safety and trustworthiness in a relationship. Sometimes we need to realize that we're attracted to what's familiar to us. So let's be honest with ourselves. What are you familiar to? Being told that your feelings are a burden? Working hard to feel loved and accepted? Always being the one that sacrificed for others? Giving, giving, giving, but never receiving? Because we are naturally drawn to what we know. And if subconsciously, you know you aren't worthy of selfless love, you're going to be drawn and have chemistry with partners who support that narrative and don't prioritize you. Because neglect feels normal to you. It feels safe for you to have to work for their love and acceptance, just like you did in childhood. And we get caught accepting breadcrumbs and actually getting used to the chaotic nature of unhealthy love relationships where there's no consistency and there's a lot of fighting and making up. In one minute they're hot, and the next minute they're cold. We can get used to that. But that's not the love you deserve.
The truth is, you deserve selfless love. You deserve a partner who compliments you and appreciates you. And you deserve safe, consistent, warm love. You deserve reciprocation. That's what love is supposed to look and feel like. And you're not asking too much by wanting a partner that shows those green flags.
Thank you so much for watching. I can't wait to see you in the next one. And if all else fails, just remember, one of the best qualities about a dog is unconditional love.