Transcription
When I got married, I really had no idea what I was getting into. I was naive, brainwashed, definitely ignorant; no clue what was actually happening. Ironically, I believed I was in full control. I believed I was making all the right decisions. I believed I knew exactly what I was getting into. Oh, how we delude ourselves.
So today, I want to talk about exchange of value and how it makes such an enormous difference in understanding the value you're bringing to a relationship before you make that all-important commitment. Because once you bring that commitment, all your cards are on the table, and you need to know what that commitment is worth and how it is so critically important in your relationship with anyone, especially in a romantic relationship. Value is objective, and it can be subjective as well. So objective values are things like currencies, real estate, um, you know, equities, you know, uh, stocks, bonds, cars can have objective value. Hell, even uh, comic books and uh, stamps can have have an objective value. But then there's subjective value as well. So, for example, Jackson Shelby mean a lot to me; they have a great deal of value to me, but they probably don't mean so much to anybody else, and I probably couldn't sell them for very much even if I wanted to. And if they were like killed in a car accident or something like that, I doubt I would get very much value for them from an insurance company or as a result of a lawsuit.
So what is your value as a man? What are you bringing to the table in a relationship? That's what you really need to get your hands around, because that value is so critically important, and it's something that I don't think most men fully grasp. We are so preoccupied with our pursuit of a woman that we don't think in terms of how they might be pursuing us or why. So obviously, we've got this physical attraction thing that we're very much caught up in, and sex is a big part of that. But what women are after is security, safety, and financial resources. And although I don't want to call all women gold diggers, but in a way they kind of are. I mean, I don't think that they put Financial considerations ahead of everything else, but I do think they put Financial considerations ahead of a lot of stuff.
Understanding the value of a thing is really critically important before entering into any kind of negotiations. I think as a young man, and I'm sure a lot of you guys probably didn't look at your relationship as a negotiation, but it was; we just didn't realize what we were negotiating for or what we were negotiating with. We just believed that we were entering into a relationship following the algorithm of Life 1.0, checking boxes: you know, you go to school, get a job, buy a house, get married, have children, do all those things in some order in order to be considered a successful member of society. I, when I was young, had the additional um, naivete of believing that I could have a healthy, normal, secure relationship with just about anybody. I believed that; hell, I had lots of girlfriends, and I figured I could get along with just about anyone at any time.
Oh, just as a side note for you guys who just listened to that exchange, so I'm standing here next to the creek, and it flooded yesterday, and the banks are real steep. Jack decided to go for a swim; it's about 30° out here, the water's a lot deeper than it normally is, and there's no way for him to get up; like the this the bank is probably 4 feet down, sheer. So he just went right in the water.
So this came into really stark relief for me recently as I was having a conversation with my ex-wife, and she was telling me about how much she regretted splitting up for me and and a divorce and leaving me. And the impact of her leaving didn't just affect me; it affected my entire family. Now she's just moved back to the area; she lives nearby now. She had been living in Florida for a long time, and she's trying to reinsert herself into our lives, and there's a lot of pushback with that, and she's feeling a lot of, I guess, sadness and regret as a result because the disruption that she caused was was great. And she asked me about what she could do to um, make things right, and I told her, of course, there's nothing you can do, because what I gave her unknowingly at the time was I gave her my commitment, and that commitment is the most valuable asset that I have; it's everything; it's it's what I um promise is to protect, to defend, to secure, to take care of another human being. There is no other contract in our society that is anywhere near as strong and binding as that of a man to a woman in marriage. It is a very, very powerful contract. So when it is given, it needs to be given with an enormous amount of consideration because um, it literally kind of binds you emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, financially for life to this other person. It's a lot; it's a lot; it requires a 100% buy-in; there's no two ways about it.
But when she decided to end that relationship and basically give me my commitment back, she basically returned it to me; my most valuable asset was returned to me um, with very little explanation as to why it was no longer um, valuable to her. Well, I'm not going to give that again. I mean, that that commitment um is uh, like I said, the most valuable thing that I have, and I'm not going to give it away to someone who would give it back or who has given it back. So what I want to get into here is how to understand and how to use your commitment as a tool for managing your relationship before you give that commitment away. Because so long as that commitment is in your pocket, it has enormous value to her; the minute you give it to her, it loses a lot of its value in many cases, because that's what they're after, and when you give it to them, it becomes less interesting.
In the beginning of a relationship, especially when that has already become intimate with sex, um, it's very important to understand the power balance is going on here, because I think that men misunderstand this; I know that I did. So I'm assuming that I'm not the only idiot out there. Um, once sex happened, I felt like I had a commitment; then at some point on some, you know, intellectual level, you know, or emotional level, I felt like I owed her some level of commitment, and I could not have been more wrong. And in fact, quite the opposite is true; after sex has been initiated with a new partner, it's very critical that you withhold your commitment at that time. In fact, um, this is when she needs to start earning your commitment, because if you immediately give in to her after sex, you've sold out for way, way, way less than what you could have gotten. What I mean by that is it's like it's like walking into a car dealership without any knowledge about what you're going to buy, what you're going to get, and some guy just gives you a car and says, okay, that's going to be $25,000, and you have no idea whether that car is worth 25,000 or 5,000 or 500, but you you give them all your money, and now you're driving away in what could be a junker. And I think that happens to a lot of guys, because once we get into that oxytocin state of, you know, that post um, post-passion, you know, sex where you're no longer smoking cigarettes anymore, but you know what I mean, um, it's really easy to think, oh wow, that was great, man; I feel I'm so grateful; I am grateful to her, and I feel so good right now; oh, all those good hormones are flowing through you; it's so easy to to to um, sell out in that moment, but you can't; you got to be strong.
The critical thing here is that the only way you're going to be able to make sure that this person, this human being, is worthy of your commitment is to put her to the test over a relatively long period of time. And when I say long, I'm talking a minimum of two years uh, in a relationship, so you can see her under all circumstances, because and even maybe in three years, because it takes two or three years for that original buzz from the relationship to wear off and for you to actually see what they're like in the real world; to see how they act around other people, how they act around their family, your family, their friends, your friends. It's so critical to get a sense for what this person's character is like. Um, that that post um, you know, sex experience is a time when you are extremely vulnerable, and so holding on to your uh, your um, your authority over your commitment is critically important at that moment. So you got to start thinking about what you want in return for your commitment, because your commitment has an enormous amount of value; it's a lifetime guarantee to this woman that she is going to be cared for, financially supported, emotionally supported, intellectually stimulated, entertained; whatever. You're going to bring children into her life; you're going to be a father; you're giving it all; you're basically dedicating your entire life to this woman. So now what do you want in exchange? And you need to get really clear about what's important to you in a relationship, and you you got to start with the character things; you've got to start with things like loyalty. You've got to see that she's actually loyal. If a girl is um, posting pictures of herself in her uh, bikini underwear on Instagram, getting lots and lots of likes, and that's a uh, an important thing to her, well, is that something that you feel comfortable with? Is that something that you want to have in your uh, in your life? Is that someone that you want to commit yourself to? Um, if she doesn't maintain good health, healthy relationships with her family for any number of reasons, regardless of whether she's justified or not, is that something that you want in your life or not? Because if she has the ability under any circumstances to cut off people that she loves, trust me, she has that ability, and she will use it on you if the occasion that comes when she feels like you've done something to upset her; she'll cut you off in a heartbeat. How nurturing is this woman? Um, how is she around children and animals? How does she behave uh, when no one's watching? You know, what do her friends say about her? What do her parents say about her? What do they joke with her about? You've got to get to know this person extremely well; you got to get really clear about what you want from her in exchange for your commitment. It can't just be the sex, cuz sex is cheap; you can get sex anywhere; hell, you can buy sex; you don't need to give your commitment for sex.
So consider that all very, very carefully before you jump right into a serious relationship with a woman or you commit yourself. And then also be aware of what the different levels of commitment are, too. You don't need to go all in, like you know, marriage is the big commitment; that's the one they're all after. You know, being exclusive is a level of commitment, but it doesn't involve necessarily living together; it doesn't necessarily involve um, a long-term commitment; it just means that I'm not going to sleep with anyone; you're not going to sleep with anyone; we're just going to be exclusive in this relationship for a while and see how it goes; is sort of like um, like practice for a for a real relationship. Growing up in a woman-centered society like we do causes us to think that winning the attention and the affection of a woman is worth a lot, and frankly, it's not. Um, I think that it does have value; don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that it has no value at all, but I think the exchange there is your um, attention and uh, your uh uh, presence in her life; it's not worth any more than that. Just because a woman is willing to go to bed with you doesn't mean you need to give her uh, your commitment. You need to really, really vet her as well as possible. You don't want her to devalue your commitment, and if you give it away too quickly, you you will find that she doesn't value it very much. You need to hold it out as long as you can without giving it away, because the longer you hold it out, the more she's going to want it, and the more she's going to appreciate it when you finally give it. So go really easy with your commitment; don't give that away; value it like it's your life, because really, it is your life.
So the really weird thing is is that in this transactional relationship that we has really been in place, you know, for hundreds if not thousands of years, where women exchange their sexual opportunity for men's commitment, it has been seen as an even trade, but now that um is really easy to come by, that that trade doesn't seem so even anymore. You need a lot more from a woman than just uh, you know, a sexual encounter or or even regular sex from her. You need to know that you're dealing with an extremely high-quality person, and finding that high-quality person is quite subjective, just like the way I enjoy um, you know, Shelby and Jackson; I think they have a lot of value to me; um, their qualities may not have value to someone else; you know, you know what I mean. So this is where your subjectivity comes into play, and you've got to make some really clearheaded decisions about what it is you want in your life as a for a partner; what characteristics, what qualities, and you can't be thinking just about the physical stuff; you got to be thinking about you know, you've got to actually live with this person for the rest of your life; you may be sleeping in the same bed for the next 50 years; you know, you might be sitting by the bedside, you know, her hospital bed uh, on the day that she dies or vice versa. So you need to make sure that she's got the qualities that you're looking for. So you've got to think about this like a job interview; you've got to be making a list, and I'm telling you a handwritten list as a way to do it, of all the qualities that you want in a in a partner, and then just start looking to see if those partners ex th those qualities exist in her. Now you may not get 100%, and maybe 100% is too much to ask, but you need to prioritize those qualities so that you know that on those important ones you're getting what you want. So if you're a super religious guy, then you definitely need to have a super religious girl in your life. If you're a real um, outdoorsy kind of person, you like doing a lot of adventurous stuff, then that's that's not something you can um, compromise on; like you've got to you've got to have that. There are certain things you just cannot compromise on, and um, yeah, if you're going to give your commitment, you want to make sure you're getting exactly what you want. It's like if you go to that car dealership with that big wad of cash, you want to make sure you're getting the best possible car you can afford, and that's what you're looking for here; you're looking for the best possible woman you can get. Attraction or attractiveness is a quality; it is not the quality; you need to look for those characteristics that are going to make your life enjoyable. Um, cuz I'm telling you, prettiness, you know, it uh, it goes away after a while. You know, pretty is as pretty does; think of it that way. You know, if she's really hot, that means to me that means she keeps a really good house, she makes delicious meals, and she is uh, kind; she enjoys sports and uh, and she enjoys sex; like those qualities matter to me. If she's pretty on top of it, that's great; that's great. I she's got to be pretty enough, you know what I mean? Um, but I don't need some smoking hot girl; in fact, the smoking hot ones are probably the ones you want to avoid the most, because they're the ones that are going to drive you crazy.
All right, you guys, that's what I got for you; hope you've enjoyed this video; please like and subscribe, and I like to hear your comments, so please let me know what you think, and um, stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.