Transcription
Okay, you know those women who captivate every room they walk into? You ever wonder how they do it? Today, I'm going to give you five secrets that every enchantress uses. But I have to warn you, they're not going to be what you think. If you're an introvert, or more of an analytical personality type, or even a little neurodivergent, this is going to be something that you will excel at. And the best part is, you don't have to fake anything. Are you ready?
Secret number one: Fewer decisions, more defaults. You know how sometimes after you have to talk to people or be with people all day, you are just drained? One of the reasons is because you're exerting way too much brain power because you have not yet set your defaults. Don't decide every single thing before you say it. Have defaults for example, common things that happen to us every day. When someone criticizes you, "Thank you, I appreciate that feedback." Simple defaults, not decisions. Let's say that you're asked something and you have to give an answer on the spot. "I'm going to need some time to think about how I feel about that before I respond." And then if they push it again, "I'm going to need some time to decide how I feel about that before I respond." Really? "You don't say." "I can understand that, but I'm going to need some time to decide how I feel about that before I respond." Okay? "That may be, but I'm going to still need some time to decide how I feel about that before I respond." Okay. Effortless defaults, not decisions. When somebody tries to pull you into office gossip, "Oh, I don't know anything about that, and I don't want to know anything about that." Defaults, not decisions. What that will mean is, even when you are emotional, you will have prepared in advance for those situations. You will start to become keenly aware of people who just throw their words about willy-nilly and just say, first thing into the brain, first thing out of the mouth. And you will be so grateful that you do not appear as foolish as they appear. It's kind of one of those, "Are you sure you want to eat that apple?" Because once you open your eyes, there's no going back. Now, to learn more specific tips like this and tools that you can use so that you can become better at whatever it is that you're doing and to improve every relationship in your life, you can start by clicking on the communicator's playbook. It's the very first link in the description below. Click on that and download that as we move along here, because that'll make a big difference.
Secret number two: If you bring a problem, bring the solution at the same time. If you want to stop being overlooked and start being heard, one of the biggest reasons people get ignored at work, it's not because they're too smart. It's not because people are intimidated by them. It's not because they don't have the best ideas. It's not because leadership or HR is out to get them. It's not because they have personality conflicts. It's because they're constantly complaining or being negative or bringing problems. That's why if you are that person, you will be ignored. Now, don't get me wrong, problems need to be addressed. And you might, because of your analytical nature, see things that other people do not see. You might always be spotting problems that other people are not spotting. That does not mean you constantly bring it up. You might feel as though you are obligated if you find that there's a problem to voice it, or else wouldn't that make you guilty if you watch everything, you know, fall apart and you knew that it was going to fall apart and you didn't say anything? No, saying what needs to be fixed is not a strategy. It is not contributing. It is not bringing value. Remember that. But when you bring a problem and the solution at the time you bring the problem, that is proactive, valuable, and strategic. And guess who gets noticed for all the right reasons? People who do that. People who solve problems. People who, you know, when they're opening up their mouth, there's not going to be anything other than something that will benefit me coming out of that mouth. Then people listen to you all the time. So how can we do that? If I spot a problem and I don't have the solution, how can I make sure that I'm saying things the right way? Let me make this easy for you. I'm going to give you three power phrases. Remember, if you do not have the solution yet, do not speak until you do. Even if it's a simple suggestion, even if it's what we need to do to find the solution. Sounds like this. Here's some simple templates to get you started. "I don't believe in theory, I believe in strategic responses." I believe in power phrases, scripts, verbal patterns like this. Number one: "Given that [blank], I believe it would be beneficial to [blank] as a way to [blank]." For example, "Given that our response time to customer inquiries has increased by 30%, it may be beneficial to explore implementing a chatbot as a way to improve efficiency and reduce frustration for both customers and staff." Here's why this works: it's fact-based. You're not just throwing around your ideas. You're positioning the solution as an opportunity rather than an attack, and you're showing how the fix benefits everybody. Or maybe it's something like, "I've noticed [blank], and to avoid [blank], I recommend we [blank]." For example, "I've noticed that our team meetings run over time, and to avoid losing our productivity, I recommend we set a hard stop at 30 minutes with a standing agenda." If those are the types of things you say at work, everyone will want to hear what you have to say. If you're only delivering half of those, you know, the the what's wrong half, no one will ever want to hear what you have to say because it's as if you're giving people more work. The people who are trying to solve problems, because you will start to notice, oh my gosh, there's like an alliance of problem solvers all over the place. I just haven't been aligned with them, so I didn't see that or know that. If you're not in line with them so far, and when you start, you're in a whole different level. And you, the people that you are currently seeing, you will no longer see. You will only see those problem solvers, and they will see you. And one more is, "One way we might improve [blank] is by [blank], which would help [blank]." For example, "One way we might improve employee retention is by offering flexible work arrangements, which would help us stay competitive in our hiring and turnover costs." In that case, you're leading with a solution, not just a complaint. It focuses on improvement rather than what's broken, and it ties directly to a measurable business impact. How to make this work for you? Before bringing up a problem, ask yourself, are you only pointing out the issue? Are you also offering a possible solution or a route to a solution? Make sure that your solution aligns with the business goals. And if leadership pushes back, I'm going to give you a pro tip. If you know that you are bringing a solution, but for some reason, they're just not seeing it, use this phrase for overcoming objections: "If I could show you this, would you be willing to that?" I'm going to repeat that. "If I could show you this, would you be willing to that?" For example, "Noticed how our customer wait times have increased, and I've researched what chatbots can do, and if we implemented one, not only would it cut back on our customer wait times, it would end up saving us tenfold what we paid for it." And if your boss says, "Chatbots? No, no, we're not going to do chatbots. I want real live people." "Okay, well, if I could show you the data from our competitors who have implemented chatbots and how it actually increases customer satisfaction, would you be willing to just take a look at it?" It would be a very unreasonable person to say no to that. I know a lot of people just object to everything because that's a neurotic reaction, and that's human nature. We have to study what human nature is and be prepared for it so that we are not reacting to it. We have responses for it. We are not deciding what to say. We are using our defaults. "If I could show you this, would you be willing to that?"
Secret number three: Do not practice the Golden Rule. So many people will, with great, great intentions, say or think, "Well, I just treat people the way I'd like to be treated." And you'll notice a lot of people say that and do that who are jerks and who are not effective communicators. Which brings me to my communication hero of probably the year. If you are watching this, Representative William Keating, I have to say, I'm proud of you and I'm inspired by you. If you did not get a chance to watch what he did, I'm put it up because you got to see this. Let's take a look at this. "I now recognize the representative from Delaware, Mr. Keating. Thank you, Madam Chair. Ranking Member Keating, also wonderful Mr. Chairman, could you repeat your introduction again, please?" "Uh, yes, it's a, it's a, we have set the standard on the floor of the House, and I'm simply..." "What is that standard, Mr. Chairman?" "Would you repeat what you just said?" "...introduced a duly elected representative from the United States of America, please." "I will. The representative from Delaware, Mr. McBride." "Mr. Chairman, you are out of order." "Mr. Chairman, have you no decency?" "I mean, I, I've come to know you a little bit, but this is not decent. We will continue this. You will not continue it with me unless you introduce a duly elected representative the right way. This hearing is..." "Aur." "That's why we want honorable men around." "I have no idea what the other guy's name was. I'm just realizing that, and I don't care because I don't care to know any more about him. What I know is he lets other people tell him who he is. He's scared. I can tell by his response that he is not a man of integrity. He is not a man of honor. He is not a man who is dignified. Therefore, he could not possibly bring dignity to his job or to those with whom he is communing. How could he bring dignity when he doesn't have any himself?" And Mr. Keating, my communication hero, when he said, "Mr. Chairman, have you no decency?" He couldn't respond because he knew something in him, you know, the humanity in him, because he did not appear to be a psychopath, as some people appear today who were on television a lot. He did not appear to be psychotic. He did not appear to be a sociopath. He did not appear to be a narcissist. He appeared to be a misguided man who is scared and weak. That's what he appeared to be. Because when he was asked if he had no decency, he couldn't respond because he knew that wasn't decent. Don't talk when you feel like talking. You want to have processes that you go through in your brain before you speak. For example, a simple cost-benefit analysis. What's the price I might pay for saying this? What's the benefit? Is it worth it? You might use a communication stoplight. Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me right now? You might want to use a simple diversity compass. Does what I'm thinking of saying contribute to my productivity or the overall productivity or well-being of this team or this organization? Is this in line with my personal compass? If the answer is no for any one of those, don't say it. That's what practicing the Platinum Rule is really all about. That's what finding out who others are around us and treating them the way that would lift them up, treating them the way they want to be treated. Just because it is of no consequence to me other than positive consequences. You have to come to a place where you say, "Not one more day will I be complicit and sit back and watch what I know to be an injustice take place right in front of me as if it's not happening. Not one more day will I protect pretend that an illusion is reality and reality is an illusion. Not one more day." Not one more day. That's what treating people the way they want to be treated, practicing the Platinum Rule is really all about. It's about learning about the people around us and honoring them. "What I give to my brother, I give to myself." I mean, that's just such a universal truth. That is one of the foundational building blocks that children learn. Somebody is so lost in their development that they have forgotten them. It's not something that we have to learn. It's something that some of us have to remember. Anything that's really important, we don't learn truth, we remember it. And we remember that what we should be doing is treating people in a way that lifts them up. How do we find out how to do that? We ask them. And then we do that. And we don't let other people try to strip them of their dignity. And if we see it happening at work, at home, even if it gets you fired, there's nothing that will elevate you more than you taking a stand for what's right. So thank you, Mr. Keating. You are today's communication hero.
Secret number four: If you have to think about it, script it. Let me ask you something. If you have a very important presentation to make, a speech to give, would you prepare for it at all, or would you just wing it? If you have to go give the commencement address at the university, would you just walk up without preparing anything? If people don't think about what to say before the moment arises, that's why people freeze, that's why people ramble, and that's why people walk away from conversations thinking, "Ugh, why did I say that?" So the solution: script it. If you don't, you're making your life way too difficult. I mean, if something is important enough where you're thinking about it after the fact, or you're thinking about it before the fact, where you're thinking, "Oh, okay, what am I going to say? What am I going to say?" There have been millions of people that have come before you that have collaborated and among each other decided, "You know what? When I have to say this, this worked for me." "You know what? When I have to say that, this worked for me." Really, when we have to say this, what's the best way to say it? And people come up with scripts, verbal patterns, tactics, power phrases. And then you can benefit from all of that information. The next time you have to have a difficult talk, because no matter what it is, even if it's something that really no one has ever had to say before, the right verbal pattern or freestyle script will help you get the thoughts from your brain out of your mouth in the most effective way so that you are precise with your message and not just winging it. You know, if it's, if you know something's important, don't wing it. Wing something else. Relationships are the most important things we have. Wing something else. You know, "But I don't want to sound rehearsed." People will say, "Everything you say is rehearsed already." I mean, you had to learn to speak whatever language it is that you're speaking right now. You had to learn that sentence structure that you use when you speak. You had to learn that the phrases that you use. You had to learn all of that. You will not sound rehearsed when you start to use systems to get the thoughts from your brain out of your mouth in a clear, succinct way. You will not sound rehearsed. You will sound clear, and you will sound impactful, and you will sound persuasive. You should have, as a professional communicator, lists of power phrases, of decision graphs. You should have verbal patterns. You should have strategic step-by-step processes to deal with the things we all deal with all the time: saying no, overcoming objections, speaking in public, responding to feedback, giving feedback. Those are all things that we all have to do all the time. Do you have responses prepared for those? If you don't, you're making your life way too difficult. The right verbal pattern or freestyle script will help you get the thoughts from your brain out of your mouth in the most effective way so that you are precise with your message and not just winging it. We all have situations where people cross our boundaries. Do you know how to use a boundary statement? For example, "I do want to [blankety blank], but not [blankety blank]." "John, I do want to hear everything you have to say, but not if you're going to interrupt me when I'm speaking." Or when somebody dismisses your ideas, "John, I realize that that is your perspective, but have you considered this perspective?" Or let's say that you need to surrender every now and then so that you're not considered hostile in your silence, but go on the record that, "I'm not picking up what you're putting down." "John, it's difficult for me to see how that'll work, but I trust your judgment and you have my support." And you won't sound rehearsed. You will sound like you know how to communicate.
And number five, this is a biggie: Don't take anything personally. Remember the mantra: "This is all about me. This is all about me." It is the way you speak is all about you. The way you perceive things is all about you. We tend to harbor things and carry things because of the way people talk to us, the way people treat us. And in theory, we know that's not about me. "Poor you, that you see the world that way, that you would talk to people that way." Yeah, that's right. People's tone, their criticism, their rudeness, their abruptness, their opinion of you, the way they speak to you, the way they treat you, the things they say to you about you are not about you. Just as the way you talk to people, the way you treat them is not about them, it's about you. If people are all against us and are beating us down all the time, that makes life difficult, and we can go home and cry because it was a difficult day. But we don't cry because we're questioning who we are because everybody at work hates us. It's not about me. If I'm okay with me, I'm okay that you're not okay with me. If you start doing more of that, little by little by little, all of these are skills. These are not things that happen overnight. The more you practice saying to yourself, "That is all about you. I am all about me. And frankly, I have no desire to bring you home with me tonight and wash dishes with you and watch TV with you and sleep in my bed with you along with my lover. I'm going to leave you at work." That takes back all of the power as well. And now, if people are behaving outrageously and you want to make sure you don't take things personally, use one of the four duct tape phrases: "That's interesting. Tell me more." "That's interesting. Why would you say that?" "That's interesting. Why would you do that?" "That's interesting. Why would you ask that?" If you have those four phrases ready: "Interesting, why would you say that?" "Interesting, why would you ask that?" "Interesting, why would you do that?" "Interesting, tell me more about that." That you can use to respond to anything somebody says or does, and it's putting it back on them. You will find things out that you did not know. You don't take things personally, and you become more of an observer of a learner. "I'm not here to teach lessons, I'm here to learn lessons." But that requires this is the forgiveness. Forgiveness is a critical component to a powerful communicator that you will not be able to dismiss or overcome. You have to learn how to forgive other people, truly forgive them. And if you have trouble doing that, remember, take baby steps. Forgive people for cutting you off in traffic. Forgive people at the grocery store who cut you off in line. Forgive cashiers for being rude to you. Forgive, forgive, forgive. It's a skill that you practice. You might want to start with you because if I have trouble forgiving everyone else, I'm going to have trouble forgiving myself. Those who are generous in their forgiveness with others tend to be generous in their forgiveness with themselves, and that's a great thing to have. And if you start doing what we just talked about, by the way, it's time to hit that subscribe button and come back here every day for seven days. Watch one quick video, and if your life does not significantly change, if you don't fall to your knees because of all of the love that is coming at you from all corners of the universe, unsubscribe. But if I'm right, you have a whole new world. You won't believe what's waiting for you when you just start changing the words that you speak. Because if you speak the same way tomorrow as you spoke yesterday, you'll have the same experience tomorrow as you had yesterday. If you want to change the way people relate to you, experience you, you have to change the way you speak. That's how you do it. And remember to get started, download that professional communicator's playbook. First link in the description below. Click on that before you watch this next video, which is about the five things that women who win do that women who don't win don't do. So remember, we're all here to take care of one another. So let's try to be good to one another, even when it's not easy. And remember that there's nothing that we have to say that we can't say in a loving way. So if you have any trouble doing that, that's what I'm here for. Let's get together and get this show on the road. This is Daniel Connor, signing off.