Transcription
In today's video, you'll learn six habits that will make people love being around you, with examples from a celebrity that is almost universally loved: Ryan Gosling.
Most people go into a conversation wanting to be liked. This can massively backfire if done wrong, making you look needy and insecure. So instead of going into a conversation thinking, "I hope they like me," go into it with the intention to have fun. This mindset shift can completely change your social life.
If you want a specific technique to make conversation more fun, play around with absurd analogies. Here's an example from Ryan talking about a dog he rescued while filming "Nice Guys."
"There's a dog, it's minus, it's below zero, and I thought, 'Oh, what harm can it do?' and I let it in the house. When I came back from work, it was like a field Jackson Pollock."
You might think this is hard to do, but it's actually easier than it looks. For instance, in this next clip, Ryan is embarrassed by a dish towel covered in pictures of his face. He doesn't want to look at it.
"What's the first analogy that comes to your mind when you think of something that hurts to look at for too long? Hey girl, bet you'd rather be doing these dishes."
That's what this woman thinks. "It's like looking at the sun; I can't stare directly at it."
One trick to get the biggest laugh possible is the Mind's Eye method. Create a ridiculous mental image in the person's mind. For example, listen to how Ryan describes Emma Stone's reaction after being lifted over his head for a dance scene in their movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love."
"Ryan lifts me over his head, and I—what did I do? Right? I've never had this happen, but I imagine if a possum fell out of a tree trying to scratch your eyes, it would be something similar."
If you're on the quieter side, there's another easy way you can use absurdity to make your conversations fun: deadpan humor. The danger of deadpan humor is if people don't get that you're joking, it can create awkwardness.
So a good general rule with deadpan delivery is to be absurd enough to make it obvious that you're joking based just on your words.
"What's your favorite children's book to read to your kids?"
"The Grapes of Wrath. It's a nice short story."
"Yeah, just talk to me about friends and family receiving this new look. Are they supportive? How are you feeling on set when you're in the costume? Put me in your headspace right now."
"It's been cathartic, yeah, you know, 'cause there's always been a Ken inside of me. It's the role I was born to play."
You saw there that even though Ryan starts out deadpan, he'll often transition to showing a smirk or a smile to let people in on the joke.
"I've had this kenergy, if you will."
"No, that's beneath you."
"And the G is alive in me now."
"You're better than that."
"I feel a Canen in you."
Smirking or smiling makes it easier for people to recognize that you're being playful. It lets you do stuff like this next clip and get a laugh.
"All right, I'll go with you. You're my man. You're my man today. Get out! You guys need help. The cameras come!"
That's another easy, low-effort way to get a laugh: a fake walk-off. Ryan loves this joke and uses it repeatedly.
"But there is also a triumph of the human spirit. I'm infested!"
"All right, what can you add to that? Is there a mic I can drop?"
Now, being fun is a great start to a conversation, but it won't automatically make people admire you. One reason Ryan is so admired is because he's a good-looking, famous actor. That's tough for the rest of us to copy.
But Ryan is also admired for his confidence, and that is something we can all massively improve if we train it the right way. This might seem counterintuitive, but one of the best ways to both look and feel more confident is by telling fun, embarrassing stories from your past.
You look confident because you're willing to share parts of yourself that many people would try to hide, and you feel more confident because you start to internalize that you don't have to be perfect for people to like you.
As an example of this, listen to Ryan lean into the embarrassment after Graham Norton shows a video of him in a dance contest as a kid.
"I wish I could say someone said, 'Here, you have to wear this,' but that was my idea. I thought, 'I have a vision for this number. It's purple and silver hammer pants.'"
You probably notice there, when you emphasize that you're aware it was embarrassing, that's what invites people to laugh with you.
The best embarrassing stories are light-hearted, cringey moments from the past—stories where no one is deeply harmed, and the laugh comes at your expense. Once you find a story you like, you can make this a go-to story that you use frequently with new people.
Most great storytellers have these go-to stories. Here's one of Ryan's about a massage gone wrong.
"This guy's idea of massage was to take my one leg and the other arm and try and connect it behind my back. And he's trying to connect them like this, and I'm in such pain. I go like that, and then I—well, his belly went in my mouth."
"You know how when you eat something weird, your brain sends your tongue to investigate? It's not a conscious thought; it's just like, 'Is that a bone?' Figure that out. The tongue goes in to figure it out."
Handling embarrassment from the past is easy; after all, you've grown and changed. You're no longer that same person.
But how do you handle embarrassment the moment it happens? Most people try to pretend the awkward moment isn't happening, but you can actually display confidence if you call attention to your awkward moments and laugh at them.
"I have to admit something. Oh, uh, yeah, okay, I didn't try the suit on before I came out, and I realized that it's so tight."
So next time you catch yourself making a small mistake in conversation, invite people to laugh with you by calling it out.
Ryan's frequent co-star, Emma Stone, has the same habit. In this next clip, listen to how she saves a bad story after realizing she should omit unnecessary details.
"So I had a cast, and all the, you know, I was just—it was miserable. Um, it was the day before the last day of school. Anyway, I had internalized this."
"That's a really important detail. I really know how to tell a story."
Calling yourself out with a smile can turn a boring or awkward moment into a moment where everyone is laughing.
Sharing embarrassing stories and calling out awkward moments also helps create authenticity in your conversations. When you and the person you're talking to feel that the other one is being authentic, that is what creates a deep connection.
You've done a little on your end already with the advice in this video, and you can also do this with how you react to the other person.
For example, watch how Ryan creates a more authentic conversation by gently calling out this reporter for how she describes his co-star.
"But your daughter, what was it like working alongside her?"
"She's just a star in the making."
"Yeah, you said it because you didn't know how to pronounce her name."
"I don't. It's Angori Rice, and they say it so well. I read that."
"I have similar fear in my eyes too; I can see it."
This doesn't mean you need to be the authenticity police and call it out all the time. In fact, an easier way to create authenticity in a conversation is to compliment it when you do see it.
For an example, watch Ryan in this interview for his movie "Blade Runner 2049." Notice how he reacts when the interviewer says something most people wouldn't have shared.
"'Cause these were from the original Blade Runner. This is what they used, so I thought, you know, attention to details for fans will probably like that."
"That's so cool that you did that. Are you a fan of the original?"
"Never seen it."
"I appreciate your candor."
Complimenting authenticity is a great way to encourage more of it. It'll also make people feel good around you.
Too often, people think of conversation simply as an exchange of information. A huge part of someone wanting to see you again is their emotional experience when they're around you.
An important caveat here: do not be fake. But if you see something in someone that you genuinely admire, tell them. Show that you like who they are.
"Thank you so much."
"Thanks for having me."
"He's a nice guy, a nice guy, a funny guy."
"That's a nice way to—oh, you see how I did that? You like how I did that?"
"Okay, you should do this professionally. You're good at this."
"Ah, you can come back tomorrow."
"I believe you're going to be the best host ever, my friend."
"Well, thank you."
Well, I hope if you're worried this will make you seem like a suck-up, you can mix some good-natured teasing into the same conversation.
Here's an example from Ryan a minute later in that last clip.
"Who hosted the Oscars the year you were nominated for?"
"Ellen."
"Okay, and yeah, she did a fantastic job."
"She did a great job."
"That I'm not going to be as good as her."
"Definitely you not with that attitude. Come on, man!"
For more light-hearted compliments, you can combine the compliment with a joke. Ryan does this in this next clip, complimenting Conan on his iconic string dance.
"You seem like such a fan of the string dance. Have you ever tried it in the comfort, the privacy of your own home?"
"You know I can't. You know I can't do the string dance. Nobody can. I had a friend who died trying to do this."
One important note here: truly charismatic people make everyone feel good about themselves, not just people they are trying to impress.
So take time to acknowledge and appreciate everyone, especially the people who normally get ignored. For instance, most guests on a talk show just walk in, greet the host, and start promoting their projects.
But watch what Ryan does.
"You got some sweet moves, my friend."
"Thank you, my brother."
"Thank you. It is so great to see you, bud."
"It is nice. Everybody should have that experience once in their life: walk into a room with the roots playing."
"Exactly, yeah. There's nothing like that."
If you build this habit, it's very likely that some people will reciprocate and start complimenting you.
One charismatic way to respond is to be playfully humble.
"Is it overkill, you think? It's a little too much? Think you're overexposed?"
"Everything! I'm sick of myself."
"Really? Really? Wow, wow! I can't imagine how everyone else feels."
"And how does—no, don't! I saw the applause sign. I know that there are, like, married, like, 53-year-old men whistling for Ryan."
"That's the kind of rep you're having on these people."
"Is this my mom and her friends? Told them not to come!"
Don't respond like this to every compliment, but mixing in some playful humility along with genuinely appreciating compliments is a powerful combination.
Now, obviously, Ryan isn't thinking about all of this while he's in conversation. He does it without thinking. That's your ultimate goal too: to be charismatic effortlessly, without even trying.
One way to do that is to build these habits one at a time. So you pick just one thing you like from this video and make it a point to try in your next conversation.
Stick with that one charismatic habit until it's something you do naturally, then move on to another.
The second, faster way to do this without thinking is to internalize the confident mindsets that naturally create charisma.
One of those confident mindsets that you can learn from Ryan is self-validation. You don't get the sense from watching Ryan that his main goal is to get the approval of other people.
No moment captures that better than his reaction at the Oscars after his movie "La La Land" was initially announced for Best Picture, only to have it taken away and given to the real winner, "Moonlight."
The actors in the audience should be much less invested in this award than Ryan since he's the one in the movie. But look at their reaction compared to his.
"Well, did you see what the crowd looked like? Oh, we've got a picture of that. The crowd are amazing. Matt Damon looks like he swallowed his own teeth with SH. I mean, it was like they were watching their childhood homes catch fire."
This viral moment was something many people found extremely admirable. In a situation where most people would be upset, he's totally unfazed and can even find humor in it.
This calm, centered, light-hearted attitude is something that draws people to you.
Listen to Ryan explain how he's able to stay so cool and calm in that moment.
"I thought someone had been hurt, you know, the way everyone was talking amongst themselves. It felt like someone had had a heart attack or worse, and it felt like someone was in danger. And then I found out that they just read the wrong name."
Ryan maintains perspective. He realizes that at the end of the day, the Oscar is a little 13-inch trophy. It's not life or death.
Now, you probably aren't an actor going up for an Oscar, so what can you learn from this to carry yourself with unshakable confidence in your own life?
So much of confidence is simply internalizing that the stakes aren't that high. People see someone they're attracted to and they freeze up, heart racing, breath quickening, unable to muster the courage to say anything.
Or you have an interview, date, presentation, whatever, and you don't present yourself well because you're too nervous to be your best self.
It is a superpower to go into a conversation and really feel that you don't need anything from it. Sure, you'd like the job, the date, whatever it might be, and that's okay.
Want it, don't need it. You'll have other opportunities, and no matter what happens, you'll be okay.
If you can internalize that belief, suddenly you radiate confidence without even trying. Suddenly, things just come easy to you, and you're making incredible impressions wherever you go.
You might think building this type of deep confidence will take you a long time, or maybe you think it's impossible for you, that you could never actually feel this way.
But building deep, unshakable confidence is way easier than you think. With the right game plan, you can become significantly more confident in just a few weeks.
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Either way, I really hope you enjoyed this video, and I'll see you in the next one.