Norm on Conan - A Compilation

Thanks. Thanks. Well, hey. Hello. No, you don't say hello.

H big rig for me today. I uh I bought a dog and uh man, I don't know about you, but these dogs, they're getting kind of kind of expensive, aren't they? Aren't they the hell's going on with a price of dogs? I mean, what's the what's the deal there with the dogs?

So I go to his dog store, you know, and a typical salesman there, you know, he's one of big high pressure dog salesman types, you know. So the guy tries to sell me his dog 500 bucks, you know, big 500 buck dog, and I'm looking to pay, you know, maybe a a buck or two bucks, maybe. I'm thinking two bucks. That was my ceiling, you know, two bucks. I figured that's I'm not going higher than two bucks. What what am I what am I made of money?

So the guy goes, "No, no." He said, "Buy this dog here." He says, "This is a pitbull. It will protect your valuables, this dog." You know, and uh I don't have anything valuable. I don't own anything. What do I look like? I own stuff. You know, I bite a pitbull. That would be the most valuable thing I own. That'd be that'd be the That would be the thing. Then I have to buy something to protect it, you know. Then I'd be out be shopping for wolverines the next day, you know? I'd be I'd be going, "What you got in a timberwolf? Show me something in a timber wolf. What do you got? You got anything in a in a timberwolf there? What do you got? Timberwolves?"

But uh you got it. You know, they're a expensive dog. You know, that's my point. Where the hell did that dog even come from? A pit bull. I never heard of that dog. When I grew up, there was no pit bulls. You know, that's not even a How's a dog just show up like that one day? You know, when I was a kid, the toughest dog was a Doberman dog. You ever see them? They're a tough Oh, man. They'll rip your throat out, them dogs. Just like a pitbull. That's how they kill you. And they rip your throat out and you die, you know. But I'm not telling you anything you don't know. But they're a dangerous dog. I don't buy no dangerous dogs. I'll tell you that. I buy a nice I always buy a dog that if I have to, I can take them. You know, that's my I always I got a wiener dog. I got one of them. That's a nice dog. A wiener dog. They can't rip your throat out unless you're lying down. You know, that'd be the only way. You'd have to be lying down sleeping. And then late at night, the wiener dog would sneak up and start nibbling at your throat there like that. Then you wake up. Oh, get away from me, you wiener dog. What the hell you think you're a pitbull or something? You're not a pitbull. You're nothing but a wiener dog. It's ridiculous. It's all you'll ever be when you think about it.

Oh man, but I love my wiener dog. You know, you don't see Doberman's anymore. You notice that pitbulls now everywhere. Doberman's like a forgotten dog. You know, you never see a Doberman. Once in a while you see a like you be on a on a park bench with a Frisbee. You know, I used to be somebody. I'm a I'm a Doberman. But oh, I love my wiener dog. I got him a nice gift for his birthday. I got He's got a lot of birthdays. I got him one of them rubber bones. You ever see them? That's a fun gift, huh? For a dog. And then a dog gets it goes. Yes. Not a bone. Yeah. Yeah. A million laughs. It's not Not a bone at all.

Okay. Well, hey, that's it for me. Hey, you guys have been great. Hey, enjoy. Good night. Hey, Nor McDonald. Everyone, we'll be right back with the bug lady. Thank you. Hey, thanks a lot.

Well, it's good to be here and I'm having a good time. I'm uh watching a lot of TV. Do you like do you enjoy watching the TV? And my favorite thing to watch is Star Search. That's my favorite show, man. That's a good show with Ed McMahon. And uh you know what's good about that show? You get to see the uh stars of tomorrow today. You don't have to you don't have to wait around till tomorrow.

So, uh, and I love my favorite part, you know, is when Ed McMahon introduces the junior dancers. You know, when he does that, he always has this like hot property. Bunch of kids come dancing out there, too. Cute for you. And uh I also like that cuz I got junior dancers on it too and you never see junior dancers anywhere else in show business. You know it's only on that show. You never where the hell is you know I mean you never hang around go. Hey honey, what do you want to do tonight? Maybe go down to the bar there or catch a movie or something there. Or uh hey I know I I heard about this new joint down on Sixth Street. They got uh they got the five-year-olds dancing. Maybe we could uh I understand Hot Property is going to be there tonight. We can see them. I never seen them live. I hear they're better live than than on the TV. They're even better.

And that's also a big mistake they make on Star Search. They always name their groups like Hot Property and stuff like that as if that's going to help them win. You know, I kind of like the bands. It's always like some embarrassing intro, you know, always like Ed be going. Next group has been kicking around the Miami area for the last 16 years. Now, America, say hello to overnight success. That looks lame if you lose with a name like that. You know, you don't look good.

So, now it's time for the judges decision. You ever see a judges on Star Search, too? What kind of lame judges are they? You know, you never heard of the guy who always got some sus suspicious credentials there. You never know. So, I was like, now it's time to meet our judges. He is the president of tri media artists and he represent such stars as Metallock Lemon. Here he is. He's a bald guy with glasses. Then they cut to a bald guy with glasses. Guys are waving. But no, so you know, you want the good names. You know, you don't want the the bad always the guys with the bad names get the winning. You know, the guys with the big goodness. I was like, now it's time for another tough decision for our judges. You know, another tough decision for our judges. Our challenges overnight success receive one and a quarter stars. But, uh, I like when uh Ed like brings him over. That's my favorite part. Like when the guy that wins, you know, over here, overnight success. Let's pretend they win, you know, and then they run over, you know, and then sometimes Ed has some good news for him. That's my favorite part. He'll go, "Overnite success. Good to see you there. And how would you like if I told you you're in the semifinals?" So exciting.

Okay. Hey folks, I'm going to go over there now. Thanks a lot. Huh? Talk to you later. Nor McDonald's here. We were uh really uh we were enjoying your bit, especially over here. Your standup because Andy was a judge on Star Search. Yes, I was. Andy is the Andy is the president of Tristar Entertainment. Yeah, that's right. That's the caliber of guy I'm talking about. That is Hey, they love each other. What do we need more of on TV? The hell am I doing? Okay. How are you? How you doing on this day? You're doing a great job. Yeah. Thanks a lot.

Well, I try to, you know, make it funny and stuff and uh and that's your secret. Yeah. You know what you got to do? You got to keep in track of the competition. And that's what I find, you know, see what they're doing and try to make it funnier than them. So, like I brought some jokes I do and then some jokes that, you know, you might hear from the competition, you know. Okay. So, here's Al Cowings. You know this guy? Yeah. So, my joke was Al Cowings now has a 1 1900 number. For $299 a minute, Callings will tell callers that OJ is innocent. For $399 a minute, he'll try to do it without laughing. I like that joke. Yeah. Well, they don't. Now compare this with uh this was Tom Brokaw's joke. You know your earlier guest? Yeah. Yeah. This was his joke. The same night AC Cowings, the man who drove OJ Simpson's Bronco as police followed today came out with his own 1 1900 number. NBC's David Bloom has more not even funny, you know? It's like it's like the lamest. Yeah, I know. It's joke I've ever heard in my life.

Now, here's another one here. Twin daughters have been born to Andrew and Carrie Kennedy Cuomo. This one two weeks ago, making former New York Governor Mario Cuomo a grandfather. The girls were named Pitakei and Sucks. So, that was my joke. That's your joke. That's a good joke. Here we go. Now, here's Broca. Okay. The guy that they're paying all these millions to. He says, "Mario Cuomo is a grandfather today. NBC's Jim Bitterman has more." It's like, it's like almost exactly the same joke as his other one. He changed the guy's name. All right. What's he doing? What? Thank you. Yeah. You hold on to those, Andy. Those will come in very handy. I figured it out cuz I saw a show. You know what the problem is? He's got guys in the background typing. They're typing stories and he's already doing the news. It's like too late. You know what the hell's he thinking? Let him start a half hour earlier and get off a half hour earlier. You'd have a better I don't know.

All right. Well, how are I see you're in uh you're in Billy what is it? Billy Madison Adams movie the other day. Yeah. How was that? You're a movie star now. Yeah. No. Um I'm just in that movie with Adam. Well, what's it like working on a film? Yeah, it was great. It was great to uh uh work with Adam, you know. I uh I never met him. That was the odd part in the whole movie. You think I'd have a chance to meet the guy? Uhhuh. Never never came up. You don't see him around Star Live at all? No, I never see him. He's not We never cross paths, you know. One of those things people think these guys, these audience people, they think everybody in show business knows everybody. That's right. They're idiots. Oh, not not He didn't mean anyone here. No, no, no, no, no, no. Or anyone watching at home. No, no, no. You didn't mean anything like that. No, no, no. You guys aren't idiots. You know that. You don't have to have me tell you you're not idiots for God's sake. But you're not. You're not idiots. I got I I got you out of that hole. Fun. You went back. That one guy is an idiot over there. I swear to God. That guy. Yeah. Yeah. We've had problems with him.

All right. All right. Who's on Son Live this week? What? It's George Clooney and the Cranberries. Is that right? Yes. That's what it says on this card. George Clooney and the Cranberries. Yeah. That'll be a fun show to watch. Yeah. Try some brocon material when you're out there. Okay. All right. We'll all be looking forward to it. Okay, buddy. Thanks for coming by, man. Norm, everybody. Hey, thanks for

Well, thanks. Good to be here. And uh I'm uh feeling good and everything. I had a rough day today though. I I bit my tongue. You ready for that? And I got a a big uh purpley thing on the side of my tongue there and hurts like a bastard, you know, and uh and it's embar, you know, it's embarrassing biting your tongue there, you know, cuz you know, you're just, you know, you're walking down the street there minding your own business, you know, you just, you know, doodly dude diddly dude. You bit your tongue. You got this bit tongue going there and everybody looking at you and man that's bad. People go, "Hey, what's the matter there? What what do you what happened to you?" You go. They go, "What? You what? You bite your tongue?" "No, it's my uh uncle died."

But I was thinking about today, actually. kind of surprised that I don't bite my tongue all the time, you know, cuz uh I got uh so many teeth, you know. I got like I got 50 100 teeth in my head and uh they're all right around my tongue, you know. They all right near the vicinity of my tongue and uh they'll bite anything my teeth. They don't care, you know. Could be a pork sandwich, could be my tongue. What do they care? They just bite. That's all they know. That's all they know. Oh, they're not trained for anything else. They just bite. I got too many teeth. That's the problem. I got like uh 50, 100 teeth, and I only need I don't know. I never count them, but I I like to deal with round numbers, but I got a a lot of teeth. And I don't need hardly any of them, you know, because a lot of them are like I got like I got fangs here. You ever see these teeth going here? There a couple. You got big fangs sticking out, which you got no use for, you know, cuz uh that's from back in the old days. cuz you needed him back then to like whatever, you know? You know what I mean? You had to go out in the morning and stock a gazelle and rip his throat out with your teeth. But, uh, you know, you don't have to do that anymore, do you? Thank God those days are over, huh, folks?

Remember back then when you had to wake up? I should just take a pair of pliers and pull it out. Like I figure I only need like maybe six teeth. I tested it out on a sandwich. You know, all I need I eat a sandwich and there's like four, five, six teeth marks and that's it. There's no 50, 100 teeth marks. I lost the tooth back in the back of my head and my dentist wanted to take it out. I said, "Just leave it, man. I don't need to grind cornmeal or anything like that." You know, you know where you don't want to miss a tooth though? You ever see a guy no tooth up here in the front? Oh, that looks bad. Oh, man. You look like the stupidest guy in the world. You got no tooth there. You could be the smartest guy in the world, but you got no tooth and people just think that you're the stupidest guy. You know, you could be the smartest guy in the world talking to all the other smart guys. Oh, listen now, other smart guys. Listen as I tell you that. And people go, "Hey, you got no tooth there. What the hell are you talking about? Take a look in the mirror. Hey. Hey. Ah. Yeah.

But I take good care of my teeth. You know, you got to take care of your teeth. That's what I I brush them. You ever do that? Sure. Yeah. Everybody has. What am I asking that for? I got trying to floss. That's a tough thing to get into. That's a bastard. That flossing. Oh my god. You got a got a got a rope there in between your teeth. Then after you're finished, your mouth's a big gushing fountain of blood going there. Ah, this feels good now. Yes, I feel a little faint, but I got that thing with the I got that piece of pork from the pork sandwich. So, that's good. I got that. So, I don't floss. The hell with flossing, I say, you know, I do the next best thing. You know what I do? I what I do is I tell my dentist that I floss. I just lie to the guy. What the hell do I care? Just a dentist, you know. They don't care. The dentists, they don't they don't know any better, you know. He goes, "Hey, Norm, have you been flossing lately like I told you there?" And I go, "Yes." And he goes, "Yeah, you have because I can't help but notice all the plaque in between your teeth there. I can't help but find there's plaque all between your teeth." And I go, Yes. Well, that's a dentist. That's because I uh I uh my way over here to the dentist's office on my way from the place where I was, I come over here. I uh I stopped at I had a bowl of some a plaque. I had this bowl of plaque. I had a big dish of plaque there. They had it down at the restaurant. A big They had a half a pork sandwich and a bowl of plaque. They had was their special. Then he goes, "All right, fair enough. Where you go? Okay. Well, I got no uh ending to that, but uh God bless you folks and I'm gonna talk to Con now. I'll see you later. All right.

That happens wherever you go, right? Yeah. everybody else. Actually, like when I uh uh started doing comedy, I uh would go on stage and and uh uh I was uh doing it for a couple years and then I go on stage sometimes and people would go Norm Norm and uh I thought I was catching on, but it was from Cheers, right? They were just excited about the show. Cheers. Yeah. More. I go, hey, doing pretty good. That's a sad thing to happen to you.

All right. Well, happier things. You're uh what are you you're on uh you're on your fourth show of the season starting live and you got Quinton Tarantino this week. Yeah. Smashing Pumpkins. That's a cool show. That's really cool. You got to be excited about that. Yeah. Quinton Tarantino is like so cool, you know. And uh plus in the back of your head, you think maybe he'll put you in one of his movies. Although it's never gonna happen. But no, but he's a great writer, too, you know, and really cool. And uh you know, Pulp Fiction was like my favorite movie. I've seen it like a hundred times. And it was I thought I was I thought it was on pay-per-view. It's on pay-per-view this. Yeah, that's right. They show it there. Yeah. So, the other night like I I I ordered it, you know? I called in and ordered it and then I I got the wrong one and it was that porno one. It was Pump Friction. You know that one? Oh, man. Have you seen that one? No. I I mean, no, I don't know what you're talking about. It It was It was all right. It was It was okay. Yeah, they're different movies. I mean, you know, they're not really like Pulp Fiction is kind of a, you know, a gritty urban fable with strong characters and acting and, you know, Pump Friction is more, it's, you know, graphic sex with Yeah. Yeah. I could see how they're different. Yeah. It's like apples and oranges. You can't compare them, you know? They're both So, why would you want to? Yeah. But I called the cable company and and uh about an hour later and complained. They're going to get that straightened out. Good. That's good.

Sex is everywhere though. You can't you know you can't porn. Do you guys watch a lot of pornos? How can you not enjoy? That's what our demographic studies show to find out who's watching. Our fans love porno. That's what we know about this show. I always thought they should have like, you know, how they have that Dick Clark, Ed McMahon, like blooper shows. The blooper show. Yeah. They should have those for pornos, you know, because, you know, I'm sure they make mistakes on the set and everything. You know, it'd be funny to see, you know, like the girl going, "Uh, you know, Harry, you have a huge clock." You know, like just messing up their lines. Am I right? And then you cut back to Ed McMahon and cut back to Ed and Dick. I don't know. You don't know what you're doing. You're just riffing here. You don't know. Yeah. You got Yeah.

I like actually, you know, graphic sex better than, you know, what bugs me is like, uhhuh. I like pornos and stuff, but I I don't like what I don't like is like when they try to be like they they they have sexual like innuendo and so they pretend like it's not about sex, but uh all my life, you remember that show? I remember as a kid dating game. Remember that show? Yeah. Yeah. And it was a game show, but you know, it was all about everything was sex, you know, it was all dirty. And uh, you know, that show, right? Everything had a double meaning. Everything had a double meaning, you know, and so the girls would ask and then they get these guys that were like, "Good lord, you know, I don't know where they'd find these guys." And get a beautiful girl and then these three uh, you know, serial killer type guys, you know what I mean? you know, and uh you know, the girl would have to ask these questions that were all had double meetings, you know, like the girl go uh you know, uh if uh if I were a popsicle, what would you do to me? You know, something like that, right? Yeah. I remember that. Then the guy be like the guy be like, "Well, first I'd uh you know, take your wrapper off, you know, if you know what I mean, you know, and then uh I'd grab a hold of your big sticks there, you know, if you know what I mean. And uh you know and then I'd uh I'd uh press you against the counter so you're broken too you know if you know what I mean. You know I put half you in the freezer till later you know and it was good lord you know gross. Oh, I miss those days in TV.

It's tough though. There's you know there's so much sex I know you got a family. You got a kid right? Yeah I got a beautiful little kid. How old is he? He's three. He's the greatest. Uhuh. Yeah. Is he like what? I mean, let's just end there. He's just a great great kid. Yeah. He's he's like three now. He's reaching the age where he's kind of he's they reached that kind of cruel age, you know, where it's like uh you know, Lord of the Flies or something where you got to watch him. And uh he we got a a dog, you know, a little dog. I know dogs. Yeah. Yeah. We call him Doogie. When I was a kid, my dog, my parents named my dog Snoopy. Oh, really? Yeah. So, I was completely embarrassed all the time. It's like the hackiest name you can call your dog, you know, and people go, "Hey, what's your dog's name?" You know, we just said something. But, uh, so my the point of the the story is this. Yes. My kid is getting this cruel age and you always got to watch him around the dog, you know, because he'll uh, you know, and he lies, you know, like you, hey, hey, uh, what are you doing there? You shouldn't be petting his eyeball like that. He doesn't like that, you know. And he's like, no, he likes that. He told me. I go, dogs can't talk. I'm not stupid, you know. Yeah. Yeah. And uh I can't even find the dog anymore because the kids always have, "Hey, where where are you, Doogie? Where to play with Dylan? Where are you?" You know, I can't find him anywhere, you know, open the cupboard. Dogs in there. You know, not here. Not here. Not here.

Folks, we're back. I'm here with Nor McDonald. Now, Norm, uh, you know, you're doing Weekend Update again this year. You got to do a lot of stuff about the news. That's all you got to do is the news. What are we going to be hearing this year? Well, I'm I'm looking forward to the Olympics coming up. You know, that's my because I I love sports, you know. I watch I watch every sport. So, the Olympics is my favorite thing. And uh I don't watch them like sometimes in the Olympics they have like like lame sports, you know, where they're not real sports, you know, like uh a lot of times what they'll do is they'll try to combine two sports together, you know, make up a new sport, you know, they're fine sports together, but when they mix them up, they make a you know, god-awful mess, you know, and uh like I saw this one, I remember it was a guy, he like run a hundred yard dash and then uh fish, you know, the guys you know, fish. Yeah. Yeah. He's fishing in a in a crick. So, that's not a good one. You don't like that? No. And then, you know, all the sports and the you know, they got the the great sports and then the the bizarre like you ever see one where they uh they like walk fast. It's the fast walking. It's just a guy walking fast. It's not like a sport. and uh and uh you know like uh that the you know this guy isn't doesn't get a lot of respect around the Olympic village you know from like the sprinters and stuff you know hey Fred good uh good stroll today there man that was a that was the briskest uh stroll I what you smashed the 20-minute mile I heard they said it could never be done but you know what's weird is that guy gets a gold medal and meanwhile like the decathlon champ. He gets a gold medal. You know, that's not fair. Like that guy, they shouldn't get the same thing. You get the gold medal, you 10, you're the world's greatest athlete, you do 10, then the other guy walks fast. It's like crazy. They should have another medal. Yeah, they should. That's right. He should get like a They should give that guy like a stick or something. You get a stick, you know? A nice stick, but a stick. Yeah, a nice stick. That's for you, buddy. And then you can do all your great endorsement deals there afterwards.

All right. Well, okay. We know about SNL. You got any other uh deals going? You must have something else cooking. Another iron in the fire. I finished a book. I just finished a book. Uh that's going to be pretty funny. And it's really funny. It's got great pictures in it. And yeah, it's hilarious. I got it here. It's uh here it is. It's Howard Stern's Miss America. Good. There it is. So, you can go buy that. Good for you. Congratulations on that. That's terrific. That's a great book. Good for you. Y All right. Can you hang on one sec, Norm, because this is the part of the show. Okay. I wanted to just uh quickly uh can I plug a gig? Yeah, sure. Okay. Rascals, uh next week in New Jersey, and Governor's in Long Island, Jackie the Jokeman Martin will be there. Oh, that'll be a good show. Check that. Go watch that.

La, we're back. I'm here with Nor McDonald. You know, you often speak of your native Canada. Yeah, I love Canada. You mention it a lot. Yeah, people love people. A couple of people. Three to be exact. They like it. That's important. Where are you from? Are you from a big city? Uh where you from? I'm from a little town. It's called Monland and it's only 108 people. 108. That's that's small. This country, you know, it's really rural and uh but man, I'll tell you, there's lots of funny stories from there. Well, I'm sorry we don't have time. Thank you very much for coming, Norm. It was good having you here. It was Nor McDonald. Good night everybody.

Cuz farm people, you know, there are funny stories from this town. Yeah, cuz farm people, they all seem to be, you know, there all seem to be a funny story. I remember one time there better be. Norm, there was a guy, man, he lived down the road. His name was uh name was John Neil Merjarrison. And this guy, I went to to him once. I've been away for a couple years, you know. I moved to the city, you know, and I came back and I said, "John Neil, how you doing?" You know, I went to his his what do you call farm? And uh yeah, so he's showing me his pigs. He had a bunch of pigs there. You know, he had a bunch of pigs. A bunch of them. And one of the pigs had one of the pigs had a wooden leg. You know what? Oh yeah, a wooden leg. So I thought that was odd, you know. So I says to him, I says, "John Neil, that's odd there. What's that pig? What's the story with that pig?" So John Neil, he goes, "Oh man, Norm," he says, "that's a special pig." He goes, "You wouldn't believe that pig." I go, "Yeah, what? Tell me about it." He goes, "That pig? You wouldn't believe And he says, "Last last winter," you know, he goes, "The house burned down." You know, you probably heard the house burned down. And uh he says, "Me and a wife, we were sleeping on our bed." And he says, "We never would have heard. We never would have heard. We never would have woken up." But he goes, "That pig, he broke out of his pen. He ran all the way to the house and he went up to the bedroom window, you know, he says he starts hitting his little snout on a on a on a window, you know, and he says, "Me and a wife, we woke up and we got out, man, just in time. We escaped that inferno. He didn't use the word inferno. He's just a farmer. You threw that in there. Yeah. He says, "We escaped that conflration, you know." So, so I go, "Man, that's quite a that's a quite a story about the pig." He goes, "Oh, man. It doesn't stop there." I go, "Really?" And he goes, "Yeah." And he goes he goes just later after that like the following summer we were me and a wife were plowing in North 40 and and and our little boy only two years old man fell into the well and all alone you know and and we no way we could do anything. We were plowing and uh he says we didn't hear you know and he says uh man you know and you know we're getting older we're probably not going to have another kid you know that kid means everything to us. I go, "I know, John Neil. I know that. You don't have to tell me that." So he said, I said, "What happens?" He goes, "That very same pig." He says he heard the child's wailing pliff cry. He didn't say pliff. You know, he's a farmer. But he says he heard he heard the child. He broke out of his pen. He ran all the way to the well. He looked down. There was the poor son of ours there, Billy. You know, down at the bottom of the well, he says the pig, he took his snout there. He started pulling up on a on a rope and he got the kid got right out, you know, and he he and man, that's great, ain't it? And I go I go, man, that's the greatest story I ever heard, man. Oh, what a pig. I said, what a pig that is. I said, one question, though, John Neil, I said, he got a wooden leg. I don't understand that part. He got pig pig got a wooden leg over there. John Neil goes, man, he goes, what are you crazy? He says, he says, a great pig like that, you can't eat them all at once. You know, he says, Mr. Abraham Lincoln, everybody. Yeah. All right. I can never forgive you. All right.

Well, let's talk about Let's mention this. Start out Live this week's with Phil Hartman. Blossoms on that show. That's a great show. I don't know who they are, but Phil Hartman is great. Norm McDonald. Everybody, Richard E. Grant, Gold Dust are coming up. We'll be right back here with Nor McDonald. And uh you know, I find out more and more about you every time you uh come on the program. You know, I always study up on a file and I learn more about you. And uh I was really surprised to learn I didn't know this. I didn't know this, but you were a bartender. Yeah, I did a lot of jobs before I got into comedy, you know, and for a while I was slinging the hash. No, no, you idiot. That was when I was a fry cook. I was I was a bartender. I was slinging the drinks, you know. Sure. And uh Oh, man. That was fun. I'll tell you what was fun about being a bartender. Always was a story, you know. Something funny happened down at the bar. And that's perfect for a talk show then. Yeah.

This is a good This is a good example. I was uh one time I was working in there, drunk guy comes in, you know, and uh you're not supposed to serve the drunk guys, you know. That's one one of the things you learn. So, uh, okay. And also you learn how to make the drinks. Yeah. But, uh, so the drunk guy comes in, you know, real drunk, you know, three sheets to the wind, you know. So, this character sits down, you know. I says to him, I says, I says, "What do you want? I can't serve you, you know." He goes, "I don't want a a drink." He says, you know, he says, "I want to shoot a a dart at your dart board." You know, so I go to the guy, say, "You can't shoot a dart at my dart board." He goes, "You're" I go, "You're right. You're not You're drunk, you know." I said, "I'm not going to let you. That'd be dangerous. That's a sharp thing, a dart, you know." So the guy goes, "No, let me shoot one shot at the dart board." So I go, "All right, one shot. That's it." So the guy shoots the dart bullseye. I never seen anything like it, you know, even in a state bullseye. So the guy says to me, he says, "What do I win?" You know, so I now I don't know what he wins. I'm confused, you know. So I start looking around trying to find something before him. And I see in a in a right in the bottom of the bar area, there's a uh there's a shoe box with a turtle in it. From where? What? What is that doing there? What? I was going to give it I was going to give it as a gift to my nephew. He wanted a a turtle and I said, "I'll get him a turtle. That'll be a good gift." But then later I thought that's a dumb gift, a turtle. Nobody likes a turtle. You know, the kid will probably just put him on his back until he dies. Kids are cruel, you know. So I said, "Why not just give it to this drunk?" Okay. Okay. So I said, "Here's your prize. Here it is." And so the guy takes it in a shoe box, you know, and he goes, "Thanks." And he walks out with it. So I figure, "That's the last I'll ever see of that guy." Sure. Two weeks later, the guy shows up again drunk again. So now I go, "Oh my god, that's that guy from two weeks ago, you know." So he walks up to the bar. Sorry. I go, "I can't serve you, buddy. I can't do that." He goes, "I don't want." He says, "I want to shoot a a dart at your dart board." I go, "Ah, no, man. I let you do that before." He goes, "But I got a bullseye." I say, "Yeah, yeah, but you can't do that again." You know, I was luck. He goes, "Let me try." So, he takes it, shoots it, bullseye again. Oh, man. So, he goes, "What do I win?" You know, so I'm confused. I don't know. You know, I look around. I go, "I don't know." I go, "What what did you win last time?" He goes, "Oh, last time." He goes, "Last time I won a uh I won a a roast beef on a hard roll. It was the turtle. We knew it was the turtle. It was the turtle. We know. Oh my god. It was the turtle. Guy must have gone out and ate it. It was crazy. Oh, he ate the turtle. I see now it was crazy. That's the real end of the joke. It wasn't a joke. I know what really happened, right? God forbid that was a joke. Sorry for calling what really happened to you a joke. I apologize.

All right. Well, listen. Sut Live this week. Christine Baransky. She's funny. And The Cure. Yeah. Sounds like a good show. You'll be there. I'm excited about Wayne Newton. Seeing him. I don't know these people, but Wayne Newton. Wayne Newton. Yeah. You going to stick around for Wayne Newton? I can't wait to see him. Mr. Excitement. Yeah. That's cool. He's going to be great. I saw him when I was a kid. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He was so great, you know. All right. He gives it his all, that guy. No, seriously. I'm sure he does. I didn't mean to laugh. I mean, he does. I met him backstage. This guy looks younger than us. Yeah, he does. He's a great looking. You guys are going to have fun in a few minutes. What a great plug. You got to stick around. You got to take it from Norm McDonald. Everybody, thanks Norm. Wayne Newton, Tracy Bonham coming up. It's solid show. Stick around.

Hey, everybody. We're back here with Nor McDonald and uh you were talking about uh the going to the cat hospital or the pet hospital in the last segment. I understand you actually had to visit yourself. I went uh I um what happened was on the show on the Saturday Night Live show. Yeah, that show. Yeah, I know that show. I was on that and uh Dennis Rodman was a guest. Dennis Rodman, right? And uh so we thought it'd be funny if he headbutted me, you know. So, he headbutted me, but he he he did it really hard, you know. Do we have a uh I think actually we someone supplied the clip. This is You're You're not kidding around. This is a real clip of what happened. Let's show that, Liz. You're going to have to learn that there is such a thing as rules, Dennis Rodman. Do you understand that? Sure, man. I understand. Yeah. Good. Wait a minute. It did look like he uh Yeah, that really You heard that? You hear that dull thud of like skull on skull? It really Yeah. And my I don't have like a strong head. I haven't been working it out lately. But he has like an athletes head, you know. But uh no, beforehand he said like I said, "Hey, don't hit me with your head or no, you know, don't really hit me." And he goes, "No, no, all." He goes, "He had this thing where he was going to put his thumbs and as soon as he touched my thumbs, I go back and then he got all excited and headbutted me." So like, so he put Did you feel him like pull the thumbs back and then real head was coming at you? And so I like blacked out for like a minute. And then the next day I had this huge headache. So I thought I was going to die, you know. And uh so I went to the hospital. I went to St. I don't want to say the hospital, but I went to this hospital and to emergency, you know, and uh they're all like they're the craziest guys in E. It's all like crack. Everybody's on crack, you know. Every emergency is a guy on crack. Yeah. So, I went in and they go, "Uh, they go like, "Hey, uh, how much crack do you have?" You know? And I go, "I'm not on crack." And I go, "What? What happened?" I go, "Dennis Rodman headbutted me on the TV. Headbutted me on the TV." So they go, "Yeah, yeah, right. How much crack?" Uh-huh. So what happened? Well, you would they anything wrong? I don't know, man. They said like uh you can't tell. They said like uh the only way you can tell is if later on if you go to sleep and you don't wake up. Yeah. That's why you didn't mention the name of the hospital. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to mention it. I I didn't know this, too. If you Yeah. If you go to emergency, you got to pay. They keep sending me bills, like all kinds of bills. You thought it was free that you could just go there and Yeah. Yeah. I'm from Canada. It's all free there. Oh, okay.

Now, uh, you know, I I guess I've known you uh for I don't know, for a little while now, and you've come on the show a bunch of times, and we've gotten, you know, I was kind of surprised because someone told me that that Nor McDonald you uh has gotten kind of, you know, superstitious, and I thought that's odd because I don't think of you as that kind of person. I never was. I was always a doubting Thomas. I couldn't think of the name. I was always I was always a doubting I was going to say Fred for some reason. I was always a doubting Thomas, you know. I was always nah, that stuff that's not true. That's a load of stuff, you know. So, but then I had this thing. You wouldn't believe it. You know, it opened my eyes. It made a believer out of me. What happened was I had a dream and it was like the number seven in my dream. A giant number seven. Wow. It was the most vivid dream I ever had. So, I wake up from the dream, right? Uhhuh. I'm I'm with you. Yeah. So, I wake up from the dream from this number seven. I look over at my clock. 7:00, right? Wow. So, I get up. It's not that coincidental. No, I'm just sort of going along with you. Yeah. So, then I go out and I decide, hey, why don't I take a cab, you know? So, I get in the cab and it's cab number seven. I notice when I'm in the cab now, I'm starting to get a little freaked out, you know, and uh so I get say, hey, take me to the track. I enjoy playing the ponies, you know. Sure, I hear what you're saying. Yeah, I like going down there, Co. I like uh visiting my money. So, you crack me up. My uncle used to say that. So, I go to the track, you know, and I I say, "Okay, what do I owe you there, fella?" He says, " $7.77." Oh. I said, "Good Lord." I said, "I thought it was like 40 cents a minute." Anyways, so I go, "Here you go." I pay him, you know, I gave him like eight bucks, you know? Right. So, uh, I get I walk through like, uh, I walk through gate seven, you know, went up to ticket window number seven there at the the horse place, you know, and I I look up, they have the the form there, you know, the racing form shows you all the races. So, I look and I see in the seventh race there's a horse called Lucky Seven and he pays 77 to one, you know. So, I say to hell with this. I say, I'm going to pull out all my money back. I pull out all my money. I had like 700 bucks. Wow. pull it out. I said, "Put this all on Lucky seventh and a seventh." You know, I go watch the the race. Damn if he didn't come in seventh. That's incredible. What an amazing story. Well, that's an incredible story, Norm. I'm sorry about cursing. I forgot then. That's all right. We're on cable by now, I think. Uh, listen, let me tell everybody where you're the Saturday Night Live this weekend. It's a good one. And it's a rerun, but let's get real excited about it. John Goodman and Everclear are going to be on that show. People should check that out. And Rita Rner, the Sunny Burgess and Rosie Flores combo coming up. Nor McDonald, thank you very much for doing it. We'll be right back. Stick around. Thanks so much for coming, Nor. People don't know this. Uh Nor McDonald is not feeling well. He's been sick, but he was a real trooper and he he showed up anyway. I've been sick like three days. I was barfing and had diarrhea and everything. Okay. Well, we didn't need to know that. You could have said I've been uh feeling a little uh a little fluish. Yeah. A little under the weather, but you're feeling okay right now. Yeah. You know, when you I got I kind of a hypochondric, so I always when I get sick, I want to find out if I'm going to die, you know, from it. And so I try to like uh think where did I get the sickness? You ever do that? Yeah. You figure out how did I did I come in contact with some you know, how did I get it? Yeah. Did I get because I know like Ross Abrash guy works up on

Saturday Night Live. He was sick last week. I thought maybe I got it from him. Mhm. I remember I ate some shellfish a few days ago and then yesterday, um, I got stabbed with a rusty syringe by this 80 lb homeless guy. Probably Ross Abbrash if I'm guessing right. Yeah, I was saying it was Ross Abash. Yeah, right. It probably was him.

And then, you know, do you know Tanya Addie? Who? She works on your show. I just talked to her. Yeah, I don't know. I don't talk to people on my show. I deal with everyone through lawyers and intermediaries. Oh my lord. I'm like Elvis in like 1976. I'm in a room with the shades drawn, eating a lot of peanut butter, shooting out TV sets. Holy lord. Yeah. Yeah. Go to town, my friend. Uh, what about her? Who? You are feeling a little unwell, aren't you? I just wanted to see if you remember her name. Sure. What? Yeah, I just told you. Yeah, Tanya. Yeah, Tanya. What's her last name? No, come on. We got to get the show going now.

But she was telling me, this is interesting. She was telling me that, you know, that movie *The Elephant Man*. Yeah. We were just talking about it backstage and I always thought it was a stupid movie and she said it's a really good movie and I said the stupidest thing in it is because, you know, that part where she, where the guy says, "I am a human. I am not an elephant. I am a human being. I am, I'm not a monster. I think whatever, I'm, I'm a human and I'm not an animal. I'm a human being." Yeah. Tanya, you just pointed that out to me that it's, "I am not an animal." Right. Because I was always stupid. Like, the guy doesn't even hardly look like an elephant. So why would he? You would be the worst movie critic in the world. You know, if you had your own movie criticism show and you came on and this, this whole movie sucked. He's not an Oh, wait. Oh, I'm sorry. Forget what I said. Anyway, that has nothing to do with anything. It's just Tanya and I were talking backstage. Yeah. Tanya who? Quick. Addie. Right. Um, yeah, I knew, uh, you got, uh, the weekend update coming up. You got some topical jokes that you got brewing. Uh, I know your mind's always going. I'm always thinking about the jokes from the paper, you know, so I can come on, especially when I come on your show, you know. Sure. You know how I come on your show and I always try to have some jokes from the newspaper. Sort of like now. Yeah. Yeah. So, here's the joke I got. Yeah. You all know about this woman, right, from Denmark that left her baby out in the out in the street. Yeah. How do you feel about that, folks? I don't like it either. I don't think that's right. Yeah. Good joke. Oh, no. You know, that was the premise. I was update would be update would be so easy for you. It'd be such a great gig if that's all you did. What do you think about that, boo? Yeah. All right. And in another story, President Clinton hurt his knee. What do you think? Oh, too bad. Yeah. Okay. No, no. The point of it is this. I have a joke about it. Okay. Cuz they got reunited today. It was in the newspaper in the New York Post and the New York Daily News. And, uh, so, uh, I was thinking, um, um, now they're flying back to Denmark and this crazy woman puts the baby out on the wing. I don't know. Do you want to try another one or you want to? It's your choice. I think the fever's breaking. I was There was another one in the paper today. You realize that this now doubles the pressure on this one. So, everyone, this creates a real tense TV moment. I swear to God, this one will really do well. This one concerns a fella that won the lottery. Uh-huh. And he was a garbage man. He won the lottery. He won the New York State lottery and he won like $8 million and he said he's not going to quit his job. And you've always heard that, right? Right. I'm not, I'm going to keep my job. Going to keep my job. And, uh, and, uh, there's only one occupation where the person does not keep his job when he, uh, wins the lottery. Wins the lottery. You know what that occupation is? No. Crack [ __ ]. That was amazing. You pulled it out. I, I was worried about you for a minute. I thought you were in deep trouble. I thought you might get backed into a corner, have a lot more pressure on you, and then not have anything. I know, but the pitch came in low and towards the middle, and you put it out of the park. No, I didn't. What are you talking about? When people hear crack, they just start laughing. That's just the reaction people have. Doing birds fly in and sing a song. What are you doing now? I just saw on the TV my hair. Okay. All right. What we're going to do is, uh, we're going to take a little commercial break. Okay. Great. And I'm going to get security in here. And then we're going to come back and we're going to talk to you some more cuz you're going to have some fluids during the break and stuff. Fluids? Yeah. You'll see. We'll get that Tanya girl to get them for you. I thought when you said that, I thought you meant fluids out of my ass. You know, you know, a couple of times, a couple of times in the four years I've been doing this show, someone has stopped me just before I went to commercial to try one more joke. That was the most worthwhile of all this time. Go take the prank, everybody. We'll be right back.

Everybody, we're with a rehydrated Norm McDonald. How you doing? Good, man. You know, uh, I'm over here. Yeah. Uh, you did, uh, the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I didn't catch the whole thing. I caught, I think, the second half of your act. This is a big tradition in Washington. The, the president speaks and then they get a comedian to speak. Yeah. And, and you did, you did a great job. You, you were really funny. Yeah. You, you, they have the president comes up and, and talks and he has a lot of fun. He does jokes, you know. I didn't know that. I thought he'd just talk about the country and stuff like that, but he, he does jokes. Yeah. And then he kills, you know. He does great cuz he's the president, you know, and then, and then you have to go on after him after the president. See, I did it one year and I was the last guy, I think, who got to do it. I went first and then the president spoke about issues and stuff and it's much better that way. Yeah. You had to follow him. You had to follow the president, you know. And, uh, that's not good, you know. You ever hear that? There's an old show business maximum: Never follow the leader of the free world, you know. I know that one. Yeah. I can't even follow Carrot Top. You know, I'm trying to follow this character, you know. You know, we have a photo of Carrot Top always on the ready. Don't we have a photo of Carrot Top, Liz? Just put it up just so people can see Carrot Top. Yeah. But, uh, but, but how it went good. I saw some, uh, you know, it must have been an impressive event. It was cool to meet the president. Although he's all crippled up now. He's got, he's got like, he's not, that's not politically correct. He's all crippled up. What do you call it? He's just disabled. Disabled at the moment. He's handicapped. There you go. Actually, when you think about it, he's handicapped and he's the president of the United States. He must have an unbelievable parking spot when you think about it, you know. Look at. Right. He's got to be. It's a short walk. Yeah. It's very close to the building. Uh-huh. But, you know, when you have to, they made me do is, they made me screen my jokes with the Secret Service. You know those guys? Yeah. And, uh, so I had to give my jokes to the Secret Service and they're reading them and they don't laugh. Those guys, you know, they don't, they're not big laughers. They didn't. They're not. They're not reasonable. A guy told me that word. You know what that means? I don't know who you are tonight. Let alone what that word is. No, that word means that's something for you to learn there. That word means, uh, easy to make laugh. Risible. Risible. Risible. Easy to make laugh. Good. Yeah. Okay. We wish we had some risible people in here tonight. Don't you? So, let's pack the audience with some risible people. No, I don't blame them. No, not at all. Why should you blame them? So, no, they're good. They're good people. They should have just gone crazy at crack [ __ ]. Uh, but I'll tell you this about the secret. They have to learn a lot and come back. They, I'll tell you this about the Secret Service. They have, I admire them because they have a tough job. Their job is to get shot. That's their job. Getting shot in the belly. Well, no. No, I think their job is, yeah, maybe that's a, that's a byproduct of their job. No, that's their job. Really? Yeah. Their job is not just to hang around listening in their ear things. Nobody cares about that. The president, he wants, if anybody wants to shoot him, he says to the guys, he goes, "Listen, instead of them shooting me, do you mind if they shoot you in the belly?" Do you think he talks to him like that? They, they have a little huddle before he goes somewhere. Yeah, man. I'm telling you that. But it's scary because when I did my talk, I, they told me about the podium is like bulletproof and everything. The president has all, and they, before he goes into a room, they bring a bunch of dogs in to sniff out guns, you know, and, uh, it's, it's like very, like if I was the president, holy god, I'd be scared the whole time. Really? Well, no, he's, well protected. No, but still, everybody wants to kill you. I mean, not everybody. Most people like you. You're the president, right? But a lot of guys want to kill you. I don't think that's necessarily true. Oh, believe me, I was there. And did you, did you meet anybody, uh, any heroes of yours? You meet any big celebrities? I met Larry Flint. He's not my hero, but he's a guy. He's a famous guy. Sure, he's famous. He's well-known. Yeah, I enjoy meeting famous guys, you know, and he came out. He's in a wheelchair and he talks like this. He goes, and, uh, but, uh, he was, uh, it's not his fault. It's not his fault. No. I know he was shot. So he, he was, he said, uh, cuz I was in the movie *The People Against Larry Flint* versus Larry. You were in the movie? *The People Versus*. It was a famous movie and you're in it. I was in it. I was, I was one of the people that was a versus. Okay. So, uh, I, I said to, he said to me, he said to me, "Hey, he's a good guy. He's a good guy." No, but this is what he said to me. Con. He goes, "Hey," he goes, "When you're in Los Angeles," you know, I told him I was coming to Los Angeles. He goes, "When you're in Los Angeles," he goes, "Look me up." He goes, "I'll take care of you." When other people say that, you think like, "Ah, that means nothing." But coming from him, like if my uncle Phil told me that from Minneapolis, I'd think if he went, "Hey, I'll take Carrie when you come to Minneapolis." That means like I'll make you a nice chicken pot pie, you know? But Larry Flint, that means, you know, I'll get you a couple of hot, dirty broads, you know, and then while you're having sex and I'll come into my wheelchair, you know, who knows what it means. Okay. Well, *Cerna Live* season finale. I should tell him about this. Yeah, it's going to be a good one. Jeff Goldblum, who knows of, who you know as the My God almighty. Someone shot a gun. No one shot a gun. It was the guitar feeding back. The guitar. Yeah. You're obsessed. I don't know. I'm It was the guitar feeding back. So Jeff Goldblum, *The Fly*. He's going to be there. Yeah. He's the other stuff. No. Also the the dinosaur. Let's keep going. Come on. Hurry up. And invoke. We got to go. I'm going to throw up. Norm McDonald, everybody. Other people are coming.

All right, everybody. We're back. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, for the last five seasons, my next guest has played Allison Parker, one of the many dysfunctional but gorgeous residents of Melrose Place. Please welcome Courtney Thorne Smith. Norm. Norm. Norm, you're sick and you're all over her like a bare rug. Just sleep. No. No. You know, because before during the commercial, I was saying I had a huge crush on her and then you said you did, too. I said I did when you were on *Day by Day*. I had, I developed this big crush on you and this whole talk show is a scheme to get you here. I liked you when she was on the, the *Tomorrow Show* with Tom Snyder. Not the *Tomorrow Show*, but the *Later Later Show*. He says to me in the break, "No idea who I am." Yeah. No, I know from that show. That's awesome. He says to me, "Oh, I really like her. I saw her. I'm really, I really think she's great. I really have a crush on her." I said, "Where you know, oh, you saw *Norway's Place*?" He said, "No, I was watching Tom Snyder and she was on and she was a great guest." And I said, "Wait a minute. That's the show that's opposite our show. Weren't you watching our show, pal? Cuz I wasn't on it that night." I got to go. All right. No, stay. This is gonna, this is We have exciting stuff to talk about. You've been on this show, *Melrose Place* for 5 years. For 5 years. And now you're leaving. Why are you leaving? Um, it's just, it's time, you know? I mean, how many times have you been fired, rehired, drunk, so Yes, I see. You mean you got tired of like they, because they had your character pretty much go insane, you know, go through all these really weird Allison has been through so much. I was sexually harassed, carjacked, had an affair with a married man who then tried to rape me and then shot himself while on the phone with me. I was drunk, sober while getting sober though. I got to have an affair. Did he do all that stuff while on the phone with you or just shot himself? Wait, I'm curious. No, I was on the phone in the office, which makes it really awkward. All right. Okay. And he was in Seattle and he shot himself. Oh my god. While he was on the phone. I know. Yeah. And so you finally said there's no more that this character can do. Right. I can't do anymore. I've been married and divorced and widowed and it's, it's too much. What's going to happen in the season finale? Can you give us a tip for all those fans out there? What's going to happen? Tell you. Okay. Are you mad at me? Good night, everybody. We had a good time. No, I mean, but what, give us some sense of like, is it one of those, cuz every year they try and have a season finale where everybody gets into a Zeppelin and blows up, you know, something. Well, now you've given it away. It's a Zeppelin. It's a Zeppelin. All right. Are you talking about *Melrose Place*? No, cuz I You're the biggest ass I ever met, you for. No, because I swear to God and when I lived in LA, I lived in on the actual street called Melrose Place. There's an actual street. There's a Melrose. Is there really a Melrose? You know this, right? Yes, it's true. So, they open a restaurant called Melrose Place on it. And then it's right beside my house and every time I go out, there's all these like tourists and these tourists like they're always fat and they're taking pictures standing in front of this restaurant. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, thanks for the help, pal. Uh, he'll get over it. You'll see. Um, what, what, uh, now I got to ask you about this cuz we brought you Shut up. Andy, that makes you all right. Well, I want to talk to you about something because this came up earlier in the show accidentally because I didn't know what Norm was going to talk about tonight and it's best sometimes if I don't know, but he mentioned Carrot Top. You are making a movie with Carrot Top, right? I made a movie with Carrot Top. Okay. You made a movie with Carrot Top. It's, it's not out yet. No. Can you put the picture up of Carrot Top again just so we can all see him? Oh, there it is again. Yeah. There it is. All right. Okay. Wait a minute. She left *Melrose Place* to do a movie with Carrot Top. That's where I'm going, my friend. This begs the question now. Now, why a movie with Carrot Top? Why a movie with Carrot Top? I mean, no, I don't know much about Carrot Top, you know? I, I, I don't know much about him. I'm a little jealous cuz he's a red-haired comedian and I felt like maybe you'd do a movie with me first, then move on to Carrot Top, then to Ralph Mal from *Happy Days*. You know, sort of the three, there's an order in which you do movies with the redheads. What, uh, what's he like? First of all, he's extraordinarily sweet. Nice guy. He really is. And he worked very hard and he was adorable. And he worked with a lot of props and stuff, too, right? Not in the movie. Oh, in the movie they took his props away. They took his props away. That's a bad time to suddenly take away everything you know about comedy. You know, you've been using props now all your life for comedy. Now we're going to take them away when you make your first movie. Was he okay though with it? He was cool. He was great. He did a wonderful job. Do you have a scene where you and, and he embrace? Yeah. Lots of making out. Oh, for God's sake. Nothing but making out. All right. It's like *Nine and a Half Weeks*, but Carrot Top. We were doing. Wow. I got to check out that movie. Is it called *Nine and a Half Seconds*? Like he's prematurely ejaculated. We got it. You know, you know what happened? This is what happened. You know what happened? He said nine and a half seconds and I'm looking at him cuz I know there's more. And I wait and wait and I see the glimmer in the eye and then bang. I thought you were going to, but no. But, uh, what's the movie going to be called? I know what it's going to be called. Yeah. What's that? If it's got Carrot Top in it, you know what a good name for it'd be? What's that, Norm? *Box Office Poison*. She's in. What about my screen? Courtney Thorne Smith, the girl sitting to your left is in the movie. I'm going to go see it for you. Scare everybody else away. No, I love this girl. I would see any movie with this girl in it. She's a beautiful lady and, and a talented nice talk show guest. Okay. As evidenced by her appearance on our rival show. All right. Well, there's this two-hour season finale of *Melrose Place*. There's this movie coming out. Yes. Title undetermined at this point. *Chairman of the Board*. Oh, all right. Do something with that, you freak. I, I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D. All right, everybody. That's pretty much it. We're going to take a break now. We're going to have Collective Soul in a second. Courtney Thorne Smith. We hope she's still our friend. We do love you, man.

How you doing, Norm? Oh, my, man. I'm doing good. I'm having fun. I came here on the airplane and stuff. You always kill with that line. I know. I know. You, uh, you know, you got the sitcom. It's all, you're living high on the hog. It's all going good for you. Everything's fine. Yeah. Yeah. No, not everything, but everything, you know, a lot of things, right? I don't know. Yeah. You seem all shifty and nervous about something. You're hiding something, aren't you? No. No. See, people don't know you the way I know you. This guy likes to have a good time. I like to, you know, I, I, I drinks a bit. That wasn't what I was talking about. What were you talking about? I was just saying you have a good time. It's a real innocent thing to say. And then you get right into the drinking thing. Yeah. Yeah. Occasionally I like to drink a beer, you know. I don't like, I like, you know, regular drinks, you know. I don't like, I don't like opposed to ether. What are you talking about? What I was talking about is, you know, those those shooters, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like they're shooters and they're like, uh, uh, they have dirty names, like sex names. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. They're all called like, you know, the the red-headed [ __ ] or something. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. That's the one I like. It's actually named after me. But, you know, I guess the, the, the idea is in your head, you want to order them because you're drunk. You go, "Hey, uh," they go, "Hey, you think maybe you'll get a," you know, they go, "You want a red-headed horse?" Yeah. Yeah. Like, you figure Rule Lens is going to come in. You're going to have, right? You're going to have some dirty, dirty sex. But, uh, no. Uh, what I was going to say was this. But you like, I mean, I mean, you said you do, you sometimes, sometimes you have a little too much to drink maybe. Well, one time I drank a super amount and I was, I had, I'd only been a super amount, right? It was, it was when I was a young guy. I'd only drunk like eight or nine times in my whole life. I never had gotten really drunk, but I had had drinks. I went out with my buddies and I was drinking and they were having those crazy drinks. All of a sudden I was really drunk and then a guy gave me some pills. Like he said, "Hey, you want some pills?" And I said, "Yeah, all right." So, I ate the pills and, uh, you're not supposed to eat pills with while you drink. I think, I think even if you're not drinking, it's not a good idea when you want a bunch of pills. Yeah. I know. But, yeah, combining the two. This guy was a decent guy. He was a bouncy. No, but, uh, so I said, "Yeah, so these pills, they just make you like a hundred times drunker." So then I'm Oh, man. I'm really drunk. And then like time passed, but I don't remember. Then my friends are like, "Hey, let's go." I'm like, "Why don't you guys go? Where are you gonna, you know, why go right? Like we're in a bar drinking, right? And like it doesn't seem right. You don't want to go home, you know, and watch *I Love Lucy* or something. So you're like, "Hey, I just stay here. I got new. I'll make new friends." Right? So I was like, real drunk and everybody was like, cool. It's like a western. It had a jukebox, you know, one of those. Guy gives you a whole bottle there, you know, you go and then that's what you do when you're drinking pirate all of a sudden. And then it was the funnest, man. There's a big fat bearded guy there and I was hanging with him real drunk all of a sudden, right? I'm like, "Oh man, I can't remember anything." I remember like I sort of fall into a pool table or something like that, right? And then I wake up, right? And it's like I'm, I'm in a bed. I look beside, there's the fat bearded guy beside me. No, really. Yeah. So I go, "Oh, Lord God, I had sex with the fat bearded." You know, and at the time, like I'd never had sex before in my life. Yeah. You know, and I always thought it's going to probably going to be with a lady, you know what I mean? Uh-huh. So then I, but I looked over and the weird thing was instead of us being in the same bed, he's in a separate bed, right? Like we have two separate beds. That's a twin bed. Twin beds. So then I'm like, "Wait a minute. Now this is weird cuz you know why would we be in separate beds? Is he like an old-fashioned gay guy? You know, right? But he has the, he has the good values. Yeah. So, we're not married yet. There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people. So, I said, "What?" With sex, you know, they enjoy sex like crazy. You know, we mustn't generalize. We mustn't generalize. Go ahead. Seriously, they, you know, if there was a bath house for straight guys, we wouldn't be able to have sex nine, ten times a night anyway. So anyways, that I'm, I'm with, they love sex. It's a good thing. But I'm beside the, the, the fat bearded guy. I go, "Holy Lord." Anyways, it turns out not a gay man at all. Turns out this guy when I blacked out had checked me into a rehab. No. Yeah. And she's in there with you? Yeah. So, I'm, I got, and I got robes and a slipper and they wouldn't give me my clothes back and I had to stay in there for three days and they, they're like, "You're an alcoholic." I go, "No, I'm not." And then apparently that's what alcoholics say, too, you know. Uh-huh. So then for three days I had to stay there. I had to go to AA meetings and I'd only been drinking like nine times. So they're like, "What's your worst one?" I go, "I guess the ninth wine was bad." You know, that was, and, and when did you hit bottom? I, I said, "I don't know." The cool part of it was the girls all get up, right? And they're all their stories are all the same. Whenever they hit bottom, every story is the same. They're like, "Oh, uh, when I hit bottom, uh, you know, I, I a guy for a drink, you know, you're like, "Oh, you know, every time." Yeah. Couldn't we just take them out of the studio for the Norm card and then bring them back? Get a salad guard up, something. So anyways, all right. Well, that's a nice story. No, but it's a, it's a serious, it's a serious, uh, illness, you know. Alcoholism. It's an ill, it's an illness, you know. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good illness cuz you get, you know, there's not a lot of illnesses you get to be drunk all the time. I know. That's a corker. Will you hang on one second? We're going to have, we haven't even scratched the surface with Norm. So, hang on. We'll be right back. Stick around.

All right, we're back with Norm McDonald. And you know, you kind of surprised me because you, uh, you did MTV Beach House recently and, and, you know, there's a certain kind of person you expect to show up on the MTV Beach House and I hear, We'll be right back with MTV Beach House. Our special guest, Norm McDonald. I'm like, what the hell are you doing? It's this. What was that? It's the show on MTV, right? And it's at a beach. It's a beach and they don't, they don't script anything like, you know, they, they do like for anyway. So the, the dude, the host was like, "Hey, Norm, can you wear a, do you mind wearing a, a pair of, uh, trunks, you know, bathing trunks?" And I go, "No, I don't want to wear that." You know, cuz I'm like, "Uh, my body's like all weird looking and, uh, all these, everybody else is super hot ladies and super hot men, you know. I don't, you know, whatever. Whatever you Wow. Got an issue about that. All right, go ahead." So I'm on the show, right? So they're saying, "Hey, come on. Seriously, put on the trunks." I'm like, "No, man. I don't want to." So then they, they think this will be funny. They go, "Hey, we're going to show you a fashion show. Some dudes will come out, you know, and show you the, you see what you think." I go, "What?" So, all of a sudden, these three dudes come out, right, dancing around in their thongs and shorts and everything. They're wearing thongs or shorts. Which one? Bathing trunks, but some of them are like thongs where you can see their dirty asses. So, so, so I'm like watching it, you know, and I'm like, "Oh, man. Chaucer." Yeah. Go ahead. I'm like, I guess it is. Okay. English. So I said, you know, oh yeah, no, I'm pretend to go, "Oh yeah, that's funny, right?" And, uh, you do a lot of that on TV. Yeah. So then the guy, the host, he goes to this one guy who was very, very, very gay. He goes, what? How do you know that? No, I mean, a sign. Yeah, he looked very, very gay. He says to this dude, he says, "Hey, I'll give you 20 bucks if you lap dance on Norm." You know what I mean, right? All of a sudden, this dude like, "Hey, 20 bucks." I guess he didn't have much money. Starts running towards me. Right? So I look up, here's this nude, almost nude dude running towards me, right? So I think in my head, okay, man, pretty soon the guy's gonna be writhing around on my lap with his ass, you know, and, uh, I don't want that on TV, you know, forever cuz No, it's okay to talk about it, but you don't want to see it, right? Then videotape that and for it's there forever. So meanwhile, what can I do? You know, you can't hit a guy cuz it looks bad. You know what I mean? You know, even though of course a woman could hit a, a naked guy running out of, but a man can't hit a. So I have to think fast. There's only a second. So I bolt. I take off. Right. She started running too. Yeah. Running down the beach. The guy catch you or No. Yeah. Yeah. And then I had to come back on. They're like, "Oh, Mr. Homophobic won't let a guy grind his ass into you. You got to work on that." Hey, I'm going to miss Andy on this show, man. Oh, yeah. He's got to leave, huh? How bad is that? Huh? You should stay. You have to stay. Ah, you should stay. Good move. You should stay. He just booing. Yeah, you just You killed everyone's joy tonight. No, I swear to God, though. You got the great. You sit on a couch for the living. You should think about not giving that up. That's a great job. That's a great job. You sit on a couch and you sit on a chair. It got to be, it got to be too much, though. I'm looking to lay down. Got to tone it down a bit. No, but you're a great man and I'm going to miss you on the show, man. You're a great man. Is it great? Maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe. I keep asking him. Yeah. He's like, "Nope. Maybe if the internet they start like writing, save Andy, you know what I mean?" It's not, save him because he's choice. That's the hard thing. Uh, now listen, we want to talk about your uncle because every time you come on the show, you have a story about your uncle who lives up in Canada. Oh yeah. He's a Frenchman. Yeah. Yeah. And you always have like a little story about him. Oh yeah. He's a crazy character. That dude, he originally visited New York City. Hello. I'm just having a drink. I can listen to you and have a drink. It's not like I went like this. Hold up. Ah, liquid. Huh? I'm still here. Let's see if I got this right. You've got an uncle lives up in Canada named Jean Luke. Jean Luke. Occasionally he visits. Once he time he visited New York. So I, I'm living in New York, you know, and, uh, Jean Luke, I am excited. John Luke's going to come back. My crazy Frenchman uncle. So he gets in the cab, right? When he gets to the airport, when he gets to the airport, the cab driver picks him up and the cab driver says to him, "Hey, Frenchman." He says, "You know," he says, "Do you like riddles?" You know, so my uncle Jean Luke, he's like, "Ah, yes, I love the riddles." That's how he talks. He goes, "I like nothing better than a riddle." So the cab is like, "All right, here's one." Right? So he, here's the riddle: "His brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my father's son." So my, uh, my uncle goes, "Uh, I don't know." So the cabbie goes, "It's me. It's me." Oh, yeah. Makes sense. Oh. He thinks about, Oh my god. He says, "That's a good riddle there." He says, "I have to tell my wife Mary Cla when I get back to Gaspay." That's where he lives. Gaspay, right? So, uh, he's like, "Take me back to the airport." And the captain's like, "What?" Right? Because like, I thought you wanted to go visit Norm there. No, no, no. I go back to the airport. All right. You know, I have to tell Mary Cla. Seems odd, right? Gets back on the plane, flies all the way back home there to Gas Bay. And he gets back, right? Runs in the door. Mary Clair. Mary Clair, with Vu. You know, where are you? Mary Clair, come on down here. I have a riddle for you. She goes, "Oh, Luke, I love the riddle." She's a woman. Hi, Voice. Michael Jackson was visiting. Yeah. All right. So, you're going to love this riddle. How was New York? Forget about that. I got a riddle. Uh, "Brothers and sisters, I have none. But this man's father is my father's son." She goes, "I don't know. Who is it?" Some cab driver back in New York. What are you doing? I'm sorry. Sorry. What are you doing? That was bad. That was bad. You didn't mean to do that, did you? No, I didn't. Be honest. You didn't mean to do that at all. I just got to the end. That guy, man. I always tell my uncle, you shouldn't curse him. Oh man. All right. We're going to pick up the pieces. Yeah. Uh, the show is called *Norm*. Yeah. Yeah. When is that on? That's on Wednesday at 8:30. You already missed it, man. It's Thursday. But it's on all more. They can watch it next time on on ABC. Norm, uh, is amazing. You're going to stick around. I know. I'm just going to say thanks for the segment. You're going to see Sean. That next guy is hilarious. All right. He's going to stick around. Norm McDonald's going to stick around. Sean Hayes coming right out. We'll be right back.

Oh man. How you doing, Sean? I'm great. Uh, really quick, we have an audition coming up on our show for, um, an old-fashioned homo who wears a thong and does lap dances. Go for it. No, Andy is going to move out there in a couple. No, wait. When is this? Our producers will be call availability. Yeah, you guys are doing well. The show is very successful. And you know what? Just as you were coming out of the curtain, Norm leans over to me and goes, "This guy got a Porsche." Yes. I remember reading about it. Your show's a big hit for the network and they gave all you guys Porsches. Yes. And, and you, what did you, did you get? Ha. What are you talking about? Than a Jag, right? Because the Jag's not so NBC's given us nothing and they fired Norm's ass. Oh, you know, pretty much. Yeah, you're, uh, you're talking to the wrong group of people about having a Porsche here, right? No, I really don't, I really don't, uh, I a seat cover. Did they? Yeah. For my Ford Taurus. I love it. Yeah. And some subway tokens. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, no, we, uh, I, I really don't like the, the Porsche that much. I mean, it's, it's fun. No. Hey. Hey, stop it. You're breaking me up here, pal. No, I like my Camry. I'm everyday people. And the, the Porsche, the Porsche to me is just, it's, it's too loud cuz the, you know, the engine's like right here. So you get in, you know, and half your body fits in it. So like my left leg is dragging on the pavement as I drive. You cut a little hole. Yeah. But I look cool. So, you know, that's a nice gift to get though. Yeah. How about that? Show's going very well. You, you guys have a very physical show. I mean, you guys are always touching, bumping up against each other. You guys like to rub bellies. Every time I see a promo for your show, you guys are rubbing your bellies together. What's that all about? Yeah, we're Cuz if it gets me a Porsche, I'm doing it. Okay, come on. I'll give you mine. All right, here we go. You're like, "No." Okay. Uh, that's not happening, pal. Uh, no. Uh, yeah, we're, we're, we're pretty much, uh, touchy-feely on the, on the side. We're, we're, we grope each other before we start a scene. Like, grab my crotch, it'll make the scene go much better, you know? Okay, great. Did you say this line now like that? You know, and then we do it. You do that. That's acceptable cuz you know there's so much fear of, you know, the sexual harassment. You got to be so careful. And we've had, we have had seminars here at NBC. The idea that you can just grab, you can just grab people's breast. Did you, did you have that seminar? I'm not touching anybody's boobs. I'm not doing that. No, but did you, did you have the, Yeah, we had the, We all had to go. Yeah. Yeah. So did we. And we were sitting there, uh, after the, you know, the guy's like, "It's very serious. Don't make any jokes." And like every 5 seconds we're like making jokes. And after the whole thing was over, I walked out with my pants on my ankles and I said, "Great seminar." And I just walked. I like that. Yeah, I did. My ass was hanging out. Okay. We, uh, This is your, what is this only your third visit to New York City? Is that right? Yes. My third visit. Uh, do you like it here? I mean, you get used to it. It's, it's all right. The, the, you know, the, I, I wasn't used to the alley. Not, you know, not having alleys. I didn't know the garbage is on the street and the rats are like everywhere. But it's, you know, it's a nice place to visit, right? But, uh, but, uh, one, one of the incidents I had this, um, you'll like the story. I had a hooker, um, come up to me when, you just tell this one to Norm. He's Norm suddenly woke up. Yeah. So I had this hooker come. No. Uh, I, I was, I had been drinking out with some friends and they dropped me off at the, at the hotel and they walked, you know, to the hotel and this, this hooker just, you know, was wrapped in newspapers and this skirt and I'm, I'm a little tipsy. And she comes up to me, hooker was wrapped in newspapers. Yeah. You know, that's, you know, high fashion for hookers. I've never heard of that before. You sure that was a hooker and not a newsboy? You said you'd had a few drinks. It was dark. This hooker wearing a cap saying "Extra, Extra" starts rubbing up against me. Yeah. Yeah. So anyways, she's, I, It was a woman and she, she come and I immediately are like, "What? That doesn't sound right for a hooker." Like, "What are we talking about?" Okay. It wasn't newspaper. She had like a Chanel dress on. All right. And she, I come up, bing. Yeah. And, and she comes up and she starts groping me and she's like, "Come on, babe. This is, you know," so like for five minutes. I'm like, "Okay, okay. Okay. I got to go, you know," and, uh, and she's like, starts groping me and everything. I go in. I'm like, whatever. I go in and I check to go to the front desk and I'm like, any messages? And I walk back to the, uh, elevator and she's through the glass going and I'm like, I'm like Betty B. And, uh, but I, I call my brother later the next day and, and he, I tell him, she's like, she was trying to get your money, you know, cuz when I go out, all I leave it. All I bring is my license. All hookers don't want your money. No. What are you talking about? No, but I mean, she, you know, pickpocketing and all that stuff and that's, she's doing right like diamond and p and u, that's different. But, uh, whatever, blah, blah, blah, stupid story. I like it when an interview ends with blah, blah, blah, whatever. Well, uh, *Will & Grace*, that's true, man. One time my buddy was with a hooker. He was telling me, "Wait a minute. You have a hooker story?" Yes. Here we go. And he said that, uh, he said that he phoned me up once. He was in Vegas and he's like, "Hey, man. I'm with this hooker, but, uh, I think she ripped me off, man, because she had, uh, she took the money, right?" Oh, no. Yeah. She, she said, she said, "I'm going to," she said something about like, "I'm going to go into the bathroom to get a, a towel to wipe off yours or something." Wait a minute. No. No. No. No. You can't. No. Wait a minute. No, you can't. No. Wait a minute. That's her. I can't remember. What are you doing tonight? I'm glad you can't remember the rest. All of our story. Yeah, you remember the crucial sentence. This is a network show. We got to. This is like going to Salt Lake City tonight. Not tonight. All right. Total meltdown tonight. Okay. Yeah. *Will & Grace* is on Tuesdays at 9:00 on NBC, the same network, by the way, which brought you all of this tonight. What higher endorsement? Sean Hayes. We'll be right back.

Okay, good. Now, we're going to show both of us how to cook something fantastic today. Is that correct? Yes. We're going to do an the most amazing red mullet with some fennel orange. And on the back of how bad you were last time, this is going to be cooked in a bag. Uh, okay. We're going to cook this in a bag. You are known. You clap your hands a lot. You yell at people. You're intimidating. This is going to go very badly. This is you two guys. No. Come on. Very good. Right. First thing I want you to do is to segment an orange. Okay. Norm. Yeah. Wakey wakey. Okay. Well, no. No one else in the world says segment an orange. Okay. You just cut the edges off. That's what you want, right? Everybody started at the wrong end. Look, that's the bit there. All right. All right. So, just top and take it like that. Look. Come on. Wake up. Stand there. I'm up. I'm up to four segments. Wow. You didn't tell me a number of seconds. He wants the edges off. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Okay, Nor. So, go from there. Look. All the way around. Yeah. Seven minutes of audio will play for this whole hour. All the way there. Once you've gone all the way around, you guys. All right. Here we go. Yeah. H Conan, pay attention, please watch. All right, I'm over here. I got my own orange going. Okay, watch all the way around. So, take off the skin. You're not teaching me. You're just showing off. Yeah. And then from there, that's a segment. There you go. All right. Cheerio and chop chop. There we go. Watch your fingers. I'll do that. All right. And then after that, All right. Now, look at this. Mine's pretty good over here. There's some sections of skin still, but what the hell? Where's the orange? And it's like 1 in the morning. Who? You know, forget that one. Right. Fennel. Okay, here we go. Now with a fennel. Okay. So push it off and just slice that down nice and thin. That I can do that. See that was explained. I segmented another one. Where's Where's the segment? What? Where is Where is it? I threw it over there. Oh, jeez. Okay. All right. I'm, I'm doing well. Gordon. That's the good part. That's the inside part. Stop yelling. Right. That's great. Now from there, take your bag. All right. Okay. Now we'll do one each. Okay. Why would you become a cook? Come on, Nor. Keep it together. Okay. It's not that bad. Big boy. Okay. All right. The word chef. Chef. Chef. You're right. Lad ladies cook.

Right. All right. All right. I, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. We can bleep out the swears, but when there's this going around, I can't do anything with that. Who was that? I was waving. All right, so we got the vegetables in the bag. Okay, fennel. Fennel. The fennel goes in the bag. We need the bag. I need... Stop it. Stop it. None of this will air. We're going to show an old F trope in this section. Fennel. All right. Fennel in here. By the way, there's a bottle of... No one is supposed to be following me. All right. So we put oranges in here and then from there, red mullet. Red mullet is... Knife doesn't go in the bag. You'll slice. You'll slice someone's throat open. Norm. Okay. From there, a little bit of salt, a little bit of pepper, olive oil, a little olive oil, little ugly o. Now from there, now watch carefully. Little bit of seasoning. Okay. Whoa. Okay, Norm, you're making me feel dizzy standing there looking dizzy. Right. Here we go. I tell you one thing, man. I'm not eating this. We're even having a cooking segment at this point. Why would there even be a cooking segment? Why is anybody even have a cooking segment with you? Here we go. Ridiculous. Right here. Right. Pull the bag over. Okay. Nice and tight. Okay. And then from there, twist the paper. So nice and tight. Dad, I hope he's a magician. Nice and tight. A bird's going to come out. Yeah. All the way. All the way around. All right. Chop. Chop. Now from there, a little hole. A little hole. Okay. And then from there, pour a little bit of wine in there. It's a big waste of wine right there, buddy. All right. Ready? And then from there, turn it around. Okay. Come on. You're going to be tight. Tight. And then goes, "Look what Norm did. Nice and tight." This is not going to air. This will never be seen by anybody. This will never be seen by anybody. Just concentrate. We've learned. Okay. What does it look like at the end? Oh, look. It just came out magically from a pan. This is how it's cooked. As it cooks, it steams inside the bag. Okay. Then you rip it open. And there you got a beautifully steamed red mullet, orange, and fennel. It never gets better than that. Do it exactly the way we did using the same language and the same obscene gestures. Gordon Ramsay. Norm McDonald's. My apologies. Leon is here. Norm McDonald is here. Everybody, my uh my first guest was of course a cast member on Saturday Night Live. Now you can see him on his Comedy Central show, Sports Show with Norm McDonald. Please welcome Norm McDonald. Everything's good, man. That's a can-do Norm. You came charging out like that. Yeah, because people look at this audience, man. They don't care about that. Why? They like jokes. Yeah, the sleeves are with you. They got flags. They got flags. Yeah, they got flags and they're scoring you. You've got three nines and an eight so far. Where you guys from, man? Oh, sweet. That's Sweden. Yeah. God bless you, man. Everything's good about... You know, you're an Irishman. My mother, she was orange. My father, he was green. It was the biggest mix-up that you have ever... I'm Scottish. I'm a Scot. You're Irish. Yes. What are you? Uh, Swedish German. Swedish Ger? Are you really? Yeah. Yeah. Really? Why would I lie about that? It's not funny. Sure. Yeah. It's a very strange lie. I'd put one over on those people. Yeah. Swedish German. No, I tell you why. It's funny, man. Cuz I was in... I was in Georgia, Atlanta, Georgia. Yeah. I met a good old boy down there. And he said, "Uh, have you ever..." He said, "You know Andy Richter?" Yeah. Yeah, he did. Yeah. You met a guy in Georgia? And he said, "You know Andy Richter?" Oh, yeah. You guys do well there. Oh. And he said, "Uh," I said, "Yeah." He said, "Have you ever heard of Andy Richter joke?" I said, "No." He said, "Well, most of it's based on him being a Swedish German." And then he told me an Andy Richter joke. And but I didn't know a Swedish German. I thought it was all nonsense. Yeah. Well, now this lines up perfectly. Let me ask you something cuz it sort of relates to the first... Wait, don't you want to hear the joke? No. All right. Oh, you're down to six. You're down to six. All right. This joke will get you back up. You can get him back. Let's hear the joke. Well, the fella says he says, "Man," he says, "You ever teared a time about the old prospector?" That's how he talked to him. Yeah. He says, he says, "Man, there was an old prospector." And he was prospecting for gold. He was having a hell of a time getting any gold. It was an empty steak. I... I believe. And uh he said he'd come into town one day. He'd been he'd been in the mine for a good eight months. He said, "By God," he said, "I'm only I'm only flesh and blood and I need I need a woman, you know." And so he goes into town. He goes up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender?" He says, "Man, I've been in that mine for a hell of a long time, and I'm only flesh and blood. I need a woman." Well, the bartender says, "Hell, there ain't no women in this town. If you want to do any of that business, all we got is Andy Richter, the Swedish German." The prospector, he says, "No, no." He says, "Hell, I ain't into that funny stuff, you know." He says, "I'll be fine." I So, he goes back to his state, you know, and he's back in that mine, man. And six months passes and a year passes and Conan, you know, people are weak. Man is made of flesh and pride as the scriptures tell us. And by God, that old prospector finally broke to his knees and he said, "I'm no worse than..." than he went back to the bar. He was a beaten man. He says to the bartender, he says, "Hell, man, I've been in that place two and a half years. A man has needs. And if you say there's no women in this hair town," he says, "Well, I'll have to go for Andy Richter, the Swedish German." Uh-huh. But he says, "Listen now." He says, "Man, I'm a tough old hombre, you know, and I got friends now." He says, "I don't want anybody to know about this." You know, this is back in the old days. Sure. Yeah. He says, "I... I can tell by the accent." Yeah. He says, "I got my cowpoke friends and so forth. I'd hate to hell anybody know about this. You know, this got to be all secret. Nobody. I say nobody can know about this." Bartender says, "Well, four people will know about it. How do you figure that?" He says, "Well," he says, "I'll know about it." He says, "You'll know about it. Andy Richter, the Swedish German will know about it. And the fellow that has to hold down Andy will know about it." Why? Why? Because Andrew Richter, the Swedish German, he don't go for that fun in business neither. Well, at least you left me my dignity. Yeah. I like the way that story ended. Yeah. You weren't dead. Yeah. Yeah. But that's not beside the point. You were raped. I No, it's more... It's more that I wasn't prostituting myself. That's what I was getting. You're such a horrible man. I can only... Basic cable, but it's still valuable air time. I don't know about that. No, in Georgia, they say there's a whole subgenre of Andy the Swedish German. That's what the guy told me. Well, you know what? I asked you how are you and you went into... I believe a 48-minute joke, which was fantastic. But now we have to take a commercial break. Are you kidding me? What are you? Yes. I'm about to grow my beard back if I don't... You're McDonald's in just a second. Stick around. We are back. I'm here with Norm McDonald and uh I'm going to say and this is just based on the... you this relates a little bit to the last segment. Yeah. Uh, I love having you on the show, but every time you're on the show, I get one comment afterwards from people on the street, people out in the world. They say, "I loved Norm last night. Was he drunk?" They always ask me that. Now, I explain to them that, "No, you are not a drinking man." Which you are not. But do you have any vices at all? Any vices? Yeah. Well, no, I don't drink. I don't do drugs. But lately, uh, you know, um, I've been, uh, spicing up the sex life. Sex life. Sex life by just saying it three times. That's how you... That's your method of spicing it up? My method is I decided to spice things up. I got into uh... Do you know what S&M is? Yes, I know what S&M is. It's the sadomasochistic lifestyle. Okay. And so I said, "I'll give it a whirl." You know, so uh... Really? I'll give it a whirl. Yeah. Wow. Well, I'll tell you something about this lifestyle. First of all, the thing they don't tell you is if you're a beginner, you have to be the masochist. Really? You have to be the one that's getting the... Yes. Clearly, you want to be the sadist. Yeah. So, uh, so that's a gyp. So, I'm I'm with my lady friends. I... And I'm still trying to understand, but my lady friends, sweet, sweet girl. And, uh, she is the sadist. And, uh, you have to have a safe word. This is very, very important. I've heard about this. Yeah. Yes. It's a... It's like when you say this word, you know, it's a safe word. That means the person knows that you're not kidding around. Stop doing whatever you're doing. Safe word. Yeah. And uh so anyways, she's putting me through all sorts of, when you know, sexual torture and so forth and what have you. Yeah. Then I say my safe word. Uh-huh. What is it? It's uh... Boring. That's uh... No, it's a good life. Stupid. I don't... I don't like that. I am going to return to my former sexual lifestyle. Well, yeah. What's that? It's uh trying to find a lady and convincing her to let me lie down on top of her. That sounds so romantic the way you describe it. I want to lie down on top of you and take a nap. What do you sound like? Well, I... I'm just saying I'm very simple. I don't need... I don't need no uh, you know uh... I don't need no where they whip your balls or anything. I'm just an old... I'm just an old chunk of coal that likes the, you know... Old chunk of coal. Yeah. Yeah. Like S&M, apparently. Oh, no. That's what I was just trying to... I'm getting back to just lying on top of a lady. Okay. All right. Which even that proves extraordinarily hard. Okay, Norm, you've got this new show, Sports Show with Norm McDonald. I've taken so many Viagra now. I tell you this. What's that, Norm? My doctor told me I'm on the same dose that they give to the donkey for the second show in Tijuana. Okay, now listen for the second show. You know why do I continue to have you on and yet I love it. No, the second show, the uh the Sports Show. Oh, yeah. People love this program. It's on Comedy Central. Comedy Central. And uh so now you know you you're you are a sports fan for a long time. You love sports. And uh I'm just curious what's going on in the world of sports right now that we should know. What's in the news, you sportster? I don't know. There's something about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not really a sports story, but... Oh, yeah. No, he's... wasn't Mr. Universe. The uh people. It's funny, right? People say, "Hey, oh, how'd he become the governor of California?" He was Mr. Universe. Yeah. And we're surprised. Yeah. That's a bigger title. Yeah. Oh, my lord. I'll tell you one thing, man. I was watching the Mr. Universe contest there uh last year. Mhm. And then a couple weeks later, they had Mr. World on. I said, "I think I'm going to vote for that guy won Mr. Universe cuz he encompasses so much more than Mr. World." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what were you asking again? I forget it. Uh, what's going on in the world of sports? Like I... I just heard someone got a big award today. Oh, Dennis Rodman. Yeah. Yes. Dennis Rodman. Here's an interesting thing. Dennis Rodman. Here's an interesting thing. Do you ever notice this? Yeah. Penny Young Man, yeah. Is an old man. Yeah. But Gary Oldman is a young man. I mean, it's... Look at that. You're back. You're almost at a perfect score for that one. No, they just cheapened the Olympics so much. So, that wasn't like a great joke, but it was just... Don't sell it too short. It's like a... It was more a comment. Uh, well, you know, we're almost out of time, so if you were going to make some comment about Dennis Rodman, we'll have to get to it next time. Yeah, cuz we're out of time, aren't we, Jeff? Hey, what's that? Jeff's going, "Oh, now Jeff's come to life." He's like, "Stop it. You got to stop it. You got to make it stop." What about Paul Newman is an old man? You got another one. What about Gary Man is a guy works over at Comedy Central? Is that what happened? I don't know. You're... You fascinate me. You fascinate me more than any other guest I've talked to. You know who would be cool to see? You'd ever see The Hangover? Yeah. That was an awesome movie, man. Yeah. There's a sequel. Hangover Part Two coming out and the director's coming up. He is. I love that guy, Todd Phillips. I was at a party with him. I went to a party. Todd Phillips was at the party. Yeah, it was pretty cool. It was pretty awesome. Well, he's coming out in just a minute. I... if there's still time, but I'm going to get him out here. Oh, awesome. Sports Show with Norm McDonald airs Tuesdays at 10:30 on Comedy Central. Norm McDonald. We'll be right back. Number two, Tom. My next guest is one of the top directors today. He directed Due Date, Old School, and the highest-grossing comedy of 2009, The Hangover. His new movie, The Hangover, Part Two, opens Friday. Please welcome Todd Phillips. Hi, good to see you. Good to see you, too. You know, I'm sorry to interrupt, but they were doing my mic backstage and I really just caught the end of that joke. Do you mind repeating it? Was that okay? Yeah. Start that again, would you, Norm? Something about a Swedish... Yeah, there was a Swedish uh German guy named Andy Richter. And you guys were at a party together. We were at a party, man. Remember? We are. We just uh... Are we allowed to even mention whose party it was? Cuz it's uh... Oh, Jay Leno's? No, it's actually not true. It was... He would not have a party. Don't trust me. That's good. He would not have a party. No, we were... we were at Jimmy Kimmel's house and it was a party for Howard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was the first party I've been to in like 12 years. But uh it was fun seeing Todd, man. The Hangover was awesome. I hope the second one's... Yeah. Like my son was like, "I don't know how they can do it again." You realize you're not going to get to any of your things. It's pretty much over now. No, no, don't apologize. This is... This is what happens when Norm comes. But honest to God, The Hangover was one of the funnest movies I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Well, The Hangover 2 is going to be even better. I hope. Yeah. You probably use that for the poster. Yeah. I hope. Yeah. Norm McDonald. I saw the movie. I thought it was very funny. Oh, thank you. And uh we had... Yes. Well, I get to see things that some of us get to see things a little early there, pal. You know, you're just an old lump of coal that likes S&M. I'm a guy. I have to wait like all you guys for May the 26th. Is that the right date? Do you want to go to the... the Swiss Swedes and see? No. No, no, no. They're they're they've filed out. They're not even putting up numbers now. We had Zach Galifianakis here yesterday. Very funny guy, obviously. And uh you guys do great work together. Does he... Is he one of those people that will... because he he's very reserved when you just when you just talk to him backstage. He's kind of a quiet... comes off across as a little shy. He is. And uh does he do anything that you ask him to do or does it take work to get him? No. No. I mean, any director, you know, you have different techniques with each actor that you work with and and you know, Zach, it's just a different sort of thing to bring him out of his shell and get him to do stuff. Like even on the first Hangover, you know, he had to be naked from the waist down in that scene when he went to the bathroom with the tiger and Zach just was adamant that he didn't want to do it. So, how did you get him to do it? Basically, I called him a [ __ ] and told him Will Ferrell would do it. That works. That works for a guy like Zach. It wouldn't really work with Robert Downey Jr., but for Zach, it works. And uh or sometimes you just bring him a box of donuts, right? Very simple. You get them to do what you want. Uh, now, what about... Box of donuts? Take off your pants. Take off your pants. Hey, we've all had that happen, Andy. Yeah. Yeah. You know, now you wanted to shoot Zach with a real taser in the first Hangover movie. I didn't know if that was real, if that was just legend. You... No, no, that's a true story. In fact, I wanted to shoot all the actors, you know, with a real taser. I figured we've seen it on Jackass. Those guys do it. They're fine. I, you know, I approached the guys... They're not funny. I didn't know. I didn't realize. Uh, I figured it would be it would be a fun thing to do. Capture real reactions. And uh Bradley Cooper, who is like a soldier, was just on board. I'm there. Let's do it. Let's go. And of course, Zach and Ed uh just were absolutely not having it. They called their agents immediately. And I very quickly heard from Warner Brothers security that said, "You uh safety, you know, they have a safety. They do have safety people." And yeah, they're not going to let you shoot A-list actors with uh... Were an A-list at the time. That was your doing, so you should get to uh... Now, uh... Okay, you make a lot of people laugh. What makes you laugh these days? Just curious. Um, you know, oh, I... I've been turned on a lot by a lot of these sort of animal videos on YouTube. I know it's very like standard thing, but I... I've seen so many. This one recently that has been getting like 17 million hits of the dog talking. Have you seen this video? And it just blows my mind. And I... I think they did bring a clip of... You know, I love this. You didn't bring... You didn't bring your own clip. You brought this clip. Yeah. It's on YouTube of a dog talking. Uh, let's take a look. So, you know, I... I went to the fridge and I opened up the meat drawer. You know what the meat drawer is, right? Yeah. What's in there? Well, I'll tell you what was in there. You know that bacon that's like maple? It's got maple flavor. The maple kind. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. I took that out and I thought, "Yeah, I know who would like that. Me." So I ate it. You kicked me. 17 million hits. It's a new world. You shot this in uh... you you shot The Hangover 2 in Bangkok. Yes. And uh must have been an amazing experience there. Just legendary experience to to bring those actors to Bangkok and shoot a movie. Yeah, we had a lot of fun there. And we we don't like to talk about a lot of what went down there. Um, but uh we we did have fun. I'm told Bradley Cooper is on tomorrow and I have it on good authority he's going to tell us things that no one should know. I really doubt that. I don't believe it. I think he will. I actually think he will. Yeah, I bet you he does. I'll bet you anything. It's almost as if it had been taped ahead of time. The Hangover Part Two. We have a a clip here. Uh anything you'd like to tell us about this? This is this is actually a clip of something you made. not took from YouTube. Uh this is um uh Mr. Chow, Ken Jeong shows up in the movie and uh I think the clip we're about to show is them in a car chase. They're being chased by these gangsters and Mr. Chow is driving. Let's take a look with this clip from The Hangover 2. He's so strong. Look out. Oh, please. Another boy. Oh my word. My bad. The Hangover Part Two opens May 26th. Todd, thanks so much for stopping by. Congratulations, Todd Phillips. Be right back. The Joy Formidable. No, you know what I said. All right, everybody. We're back. Settle down. I know it's exciting. Uh, my next guests are from... Is it... It's North Wales, right? Yes, North Wales. And they're here tonight with a song from their critically acclaimed debut album, The Big Roar. Please welcome The Joy Formidable. This much delight columns to new heights. All these things about me never can tell. Colors and bright so bright. All these things about me never can. You make me sleep so badly. Visible. Turn the dial on my way. I can feel them fall short till the night. Shine along. Shine along. Watch these hands move the time on the way. The steps shadow life's will shallow. All these things about me never can tell. You make me sleep so badly. Visible surrender. You make me sleep so badly. Bender. You make me sleep so badly. On my way. I can't fall short. The time Sh. Turn the dat. Heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. Madness. Madness. The Joy. Formidable. That is our show. Everybody come back. Norah McDonald is here. We'll see you in a minute. We're back. We back. We're back. My first guest was of course a cast member on Saturday Night Live. He's also appeared in numerous films including Dirty Work and Billy Madison. Please welcome our old chum, Norm McDonald. So nice to... So nice to see you. Oh, man, it's great to be here, Conan. Yeah, in in the talk show, my natural element. Yes. I've always said you're you're a terrific guest and you're like a fish in water. Not out of water, a fish in water show. I'm like a fish in water on a talk show and uh there's a... It turns out there's an opening now for a talk show. Yeah. Let's talk about that because it's been in the news a little bit. You have been lobbying. Uh the host Craig Ferguson announced he's he's he's stepping down. Craig Ferguson is stepping down from The Late Late Show. Yes. And so, you know, all my all my career I've been uh h you know, sort of diffident. That's a cool word. Diffident. Well, it is a kind of [ __ ] word, huh? No, it's a good word. But anyways, no more diffidence for me. So, what you're saying... Well, if you don't know what diffident is, no one knows what the hell you're talking about. I know. What should I say? You've been a little uh laid back. Let's say laid back. And that's not what you know what fuels this uh this town? Hollywood is naked ambition. Right. And what you have from being passive to active. Yes. I am a furnace of ambition. Okay. Norm. It's warm actually. And what I plan to do, you see, is... You want to take that job. You've put... I want that job because here's the thing. I kept hearing, hey, there's a conversation going on about these different names and my... about who might replace Ferguson. Yeah. And my name was never in it. So, I believe my dad always taught me if you're not part of a conversation, the thing is you walk up to that table and you you put your hand out and you say, "Mr. Moonves, good to meet you, sir. I uh hear you've been conversing about different people. You've been conversing about different people and uh I don't like them." Wait, you would instead of talking up your own skills, you would you would crap on the other? Oh, no. I would... No, I would never do that. Okay. No, I would just say listen, you're still as you're sitting around the table and uh, you know, why why does my name lay unmentioned like your potatoes or gratin? Okay, you took the restaurant thing way too far. Let's get you out of the restaurant. What about one name they're they're mentioning a lot is very popular guy, John Hodgman. They're saying John Hodgman might be the possible guy who could replace Craig Ferguson. Would that... What about him? Well, you see, he's too smart. He's... You. Nobody wants an egghead or a blue stocking. What they want is uh... No one's talked that way in 80 years. What do you mean no one wants an egghead or a a blue stocking? They want a ham and egg man. They want a guy who gets his hands dirty. That's right. They want a fella like you and me. A man of the people. You know, like a a dunce adult. Wait a minute. No, I know. I'm not saying you're a dunce or adult. Yes, you did. That's exactly what you're saying. You're not saying you... You play one on television. Okay, fair enough. You think I'm a chump. Uh, but that's and that's fair enough. But you're saying that uh you think that you'd be do a better job than that John Hodgman guy. Oh, I... I think I could do a better job than anyone except for Conan O'Brien himself. Well, okay. Thank you. You've known me 21... 25 years. I know you're Conan O'Brien. Way past that ridge. No, as you... As I said it, I know you hate being called Conan. No, no, no. I... I'm fine with it. But what aren't they? Right now, they're looking for diversity in hosts. You know, I'm... That's me. What are you talking about? How are you diverse? Um, I'm three-quarters gypsy. Oh, you are not. I swear to God, my mom, who's in the audience, full-blooded gypsy, and my father, uh, uh, he's half Scottish and half gypsy. Gypsy. Gypsy. Jack Macdonald. That's not... That's true. How come you can't even say your own last name correctly? You're not Macdonald. Gypsy. We lived on the on the edge of town. Sure. And uh what what we would do is me uh my mom and Gypsy Jack Macdonald, we'd travel from uh town to town and we go to old ladies' houses and tell them there was something wrong with their roof. And was there something wrong with the roof? Oh, no. We were dirty gypsies. All right, shut up. You can't say that. You can't say that. You're going to get mail. No, I know. Except I don't think that they even exist. What? Well, I think uh... What are you talking about? I think that my... I'm a gypsy for God's sake. I can say it. I can say the G word. All right. You're fine. You're fine. Now, do you think... Let me say this. I know this job looks easy. It does look easy. But do you think you have... I mean, this job, it looks hard. This job looks easy. Okay. Well, I know it looks easy, but do you really think you've got the chops? I'm going to use the phrase chops. Do you think you got the chops to be a talk show host? Oh, yes. Because there's a lot of things you have to be able to do. You don't just sit here and gauge. That's 98% of it. Do you have the chops to do it? No. I've been studying it like a Jesuit. All right. And you just use the J word and I believe I could do it in one minute. You think Norm McDonald that in one minute you can display all of the talk show skills? One minute. That's all I need. If I can only have... I think we want to see this, don't we? Let's do it. He's got one minute. Oh, and did I say this? Okay. All right. Here we go. And now here's Norm McDonald. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You uh do you... you're familiar with the the model Kate Upton? Well, apparently she told the London Sun that life would be easier if she had small breasts. You know, I suppose that's true if by easier she means harder. We have a great show. Now, how are you? How are you? Now, I understand that you had a little trouble with your wife last night, didn't her? Uh, well, yeah, you know, she's she's a sassy sassy gal and uh yeah, and she's uh... Well, let's get to our first guest. All right. Please welcome comedy legend Fred Willard. Hey, thanks for having me on. I love your show. Really doing a great job. I love this man. Wow. We... I understand. Fred, you brought a clip. I did. Let's see. Let's take a look. Sure. Yeah, that was a good thing. Fantastic. We'll take a break. We'll be right back for another. We're back with Norm McDonald. I thought you did an amazing job back there. Oh, it's easier than it looks. No, but listen, guys. Do you want me to be the host or not? There you go. Yeah. That'll that'll get the word out to people. People have spoken. Yeah. Now listen, uh so much to ask you. First of all, I know you're a big sports fanatic. You're also you're also a guy that keeps up on the news and there's there's big news out there in the sporting world. Uh the big news is Oscar Pistorius. Yeah, huge news. And uh I don't like him. Don't care for him. Never did. Really? You don't like Oscar Pistorius? Even before he... What are you doing? I have... I had something in my tooth. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Uh I didn't like you. You're saying I mean a lot of people don't like him now that he... a lot of people but but allegedly... Allegedly. But uh also really... Yeah. But yeah, I don't have problems with the murder. Right. But uh what what I never liked... I never liked him racing with them uh things that looked like some Wile E. Coyote would order. And uh what... You had a problem with him racing with his uh blades? His blades. He was the Blade Runner. Yes. Teflon blades. I did have a big problem with it because I'll put it this way. Let's imagine you're a runner and you know with legs. Yeah. And uh then you go home, you go, "Oh, I lost." Honey, who'd you lose to? Guy with no legs. Wait, wait. You're saying that you didn't like that Oscar Pistorius raced against people with legs? No, I don't. I feel that uh one of the basic requirements of being a a sprinter is having legs. I... I feel that they should say, "Okay, listen. Let's uh here's the..." Hey, what about you? Uh, I don't think you can be on the team. Why not? Well, you... you're not a biped. You have no legs, so scram. Okay, you take your time as long as you want, but get the hell out of here. No one's going with you on this. Nobody is with you on this at all. Except the fella at home that's like, "That's that son of a [ __ ] I lost my race to that got no legs." Are you saying he had an unfair advantage cuz he had these? Well, of course he had rocket ships. They're not rocket ships. Okay, Andy, help me out here. No, he still had... It's still him running. Yeah. Oh, yes. Well, guys, I agree with you then. Oscar Pistorius is a scholar and a gentleman. All right. He's a murderer. Turned it around. Alleged. Alleged murderer. And that's the part you like. Yeah. And you said I... I'm okay with that part. No, I'll tell you something though. You know, Conan, yeah, we talk about like uh uh people with promise. Yeah. And uh and Oscar Pistorius was a man and he was a great man. But I'm... I put in mind of of the people that that have promise that are unfulfilled. Like when I was young, there was a fellow uh by went by the name of uh Jacques de Gooyer. and he was from Témiscaming, Quebec. And Jacques de Gooyer, he was a fella that really thought and he was smart, you know, he was our hope, I guess. And he uh he was while I was scrambling to get out of high school, Jacques Zagatino had already... I think he just changed his last name. Well, you know, a man grows. He he... But this is the point. Dr. Gat, you know, he went to McGill University and he got three degrees by golly. And he went to the over across the pond to the fellas with Cambridge and he even stood up to them and we thought, boy, he's going to be the next. We had Jamar Sha, Jerel Tertier, Pierre Trudeau, the three wise men of Quebec. By God, Jacques Datino was going to be the next. You gonna be the next guy. Yeah. But he vanished. And uh I met him. Uh I started to do stand-up and and travel from here to there and and to here again. And uh one one time I was in uh Niagara Falls and uh by uh gosh I went over to the um SeaWorld there. You know how they have the SeaWorld, you know, with the different fish, you know? I didn't know that, but okay. Yes. Beluga. SeaWorld. I've been there many a time. Okay. So, I was checking out the beluga whales and stuff and I look over and who do you think I see? I hope it's that guy. No, it was a... it was just an attendant. But uh but he showed me to the place I wanted to see, which is where they feed the the little baby dolphins, cuz I love dolphins, you know. And who do I see there? But Jacques Zatino. And here he is. He's feeding the baby dolphins. And I go up to him and I go, "Jacet, I... I feel shame for you. You were our hope. You were to go to Canada uh uh Canada's nation's capital of Ottawa and you you were to be a great man Jacques Zigat and we were all you know we pinned our all of all of Quebec pinned our hopes on you. Now that's a that's a hell of a burden for a man to have a town's hope pinned on them, isn't it, Con? It is a lot big burden. So he was feeding these baby dolphins, you know, and I said, "I'm ashamed of you, Jacques Zatano. You could have done so many great things." And he said, "Well," he said, "I think I'm serving a youthful purpose." Now, I believe that... No, no. I knew that was going to happen. I knew that was going... You don't encourage that. It's like that was a 40-minute story. It's like somebody youthful poous. Youthful purpose. Yes. Pipus. I don't know. Good god. I know. That was that was way out of line. No, that was way... Who are you to criticize Oscar Pistorius? It's like somebody saying, "I got to show you something." They take on a four-mile hike to show you a dog turn. Look at it. Okay. Well, there's your real for CBS. We're getting this less moon. We're getting this right to Les Moon. I got to have him. You want to see that every night? Less. This guy's got more kiqua humor. I love you. I really do. You know that, right? I know it, man. You're a great man. You're... And you're you're I've never said this, but you've done so many uh benefits for me for the gypsies. And I get the word out about werewolves. Yeah. Yeah. You're done now, right? I'm done. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one like him. We're pretty sure about that. Norm McDonald. When we come back, McKenzie Davis from Halt and Catch Fire. Next guest, ladies and gentlemen, is a beautiful and talented actress who stars on the new AMC series Halt and Catch Fire, which premieres Sunday, June 1st. Please welcome McKenzie Davis. Wow, you are... you're beautiful, but you're also extraordinarily tall. I am. I just learned I'm not good at walking in heels over... Oh, you don't... Cuz I... I went back to see you in the dressing room, sort of try to surprise you. And uh... Creepy. Um, my little camera. Uh, no, but I went in to see you and I was I was quite uh... I... Yeah, the ladies never see it, but I uh I... I jumped in and I was shocked at how tall you are. I didn't realize you were this tall. Well, I'm very tall to begin with, but yeah, I have um unusually high heels on as well. Does it make you at all? Cuz some women who are tall get a little self-conscious around guys they feel like who are smaller. They they have to crouch and slouch to make them feel more comfortable. Is that you? I think that my like natural posture is something closer to a Mr. Burns and that I have to fight. You're like the Simpsons. One of these. I've seen like candid photos of me with just the beautiful line of his back. So, I have to really... But tell me you don't do that with your fingers and go, "Simpsons," you know? I know. I don't... I don't laugh or or tent them like that, but my hands are always in something like this of a position. That's very attractive. Uh, you did you did Raptor. You did wrote many of them Simpsons. I know. I'm sort of in love. Oh, what? What? What's that? Well, no. I just my like prerequisite for any relationship is that the person that I date has to love the Simpsons as much as I do. I just don't think I could ever really love someone if they didn't like truly love the Simpsons. Yes. And you're aware that I wrote there for a while. You guys should get... You guys should get married and go on a honeymoon, too. What are you? I... I don't even know anymore. That's a hologram of Norm Macdonald. I'm just saying get the tin cans in the back of that Buick and off you go. Are you an old gold prospector now? You know, just... We're gonna we're gonna make this happen. So, uh... Okay. You did that awkward moment with Zac Efron. Is that the kind of guy that you would be uh attracted to? Is it that kind of guy? Zach's... Zach's too pretty to exist in the real world. That's what I think. Yes. I feel like I like a guy with physical flaws. I like a bit of an ugly man, you know, like somebody who doesn't... You don't like an ugly guy. Well, I like somebody with car... Oh, I don't know how to phrase this. Um... flaws. Flaws. Yeah. Yeah. Zach is like a beautiful marble statue where you look at him and just get lost. I feel like we couldn't connect if we were to really go down that road, which is never an option. But um but guys like us, just like normal slobs. Yeah, bring him on. Um, I'm told that you like to make unusual craft projects and I and I I heard about this and I thought I've got to ask you about it because it, you know, and and you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but it seems so unusual. I see you. You're such a beautiful woman. And then I heard about this craft project. It seemed a little unusual. Yeah. Um, here's a way to alienate people. Um, that's what I do. You should have opened with that. Yeah. Yeah. I um I was living in Texas for a little while and I started collecting owl pellets and um for anyone who doesn't know when an owl um eats a field mouse or a rodent it eats it, digests um all of the edible parts and then regurgitates a pellet which is like all the bones, all the undigestible matter and I collect those and harvest the bones and then make magical um creatures out of them. Well, that's uh that's fine with me about that owl. I don't give a hoot. You're good. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you you should be host show. You should be writing liquor store greeting cards. Well, wait a really do this. What would make you think of this in the first place? You saw you saw an owl pellet. You took it apart and you extract the bones and then you make art out of it. Yeah. So, you're like a serial killer. That that is that's probably on an FBI profile list somewhere. I found some roadkill on the side of the road one day and was looking up how to um dissolve the meat in the way that would be like least odious to my landlord and neighbors. Um, and I discovered that that was also one of the early indicators of Jeffrey Dahmer's psychopathy. So, it is a serial killer. Yeah, I was gonna... I love that she rents. I know. You're doing this in a rental. Yeah. How do you do it? Here's number number one rule for being a serial killer. Don't rent. You got to own the basement. You got to own the crawl space. Work your way up to that. Okay. Hey, let me ask you this. Did you ever toss a prostitute off a bridge? Uh, what's the price? I'm gonna... I don't think I'm going to say something. I don't think you should host Late Late Show. I think you should take my slot cuz I am vacating it. I'm leaving. I think you should take over. There's an opening here at the Conan Show. I was just saying I... I heard that was a sign of being a serial killer. Okay. You're the worst guy I've ever met. I mean that in a nice way. All right. There's no... There's no way to uh... Good God. There's no way. There's no way to transition, but we have a clip here from Halt and Catch Fire. Yeah. And we're just going to soldier on here. Tell us a little bit about your role. Uh, I... I play Cameron Howe. She's sort of an outsider punk prodigy programmer. And um... Should I set up the clamp? Sure. Okay. Um, and uh she is uh being scouted by Joe McMillan, who's played by Lee Pace, to uh sort of come and work for a company that he's setting up. Right. And you two have a past. No, we have a future. Wow. Let's take a look at this clip from Halt and Catch Fire. You know I screwed him, right? Let's be adult about this. Talking down to me, don't you? Look, there are a thousand other engineers we can get. Preferably one you haven't bedded down with. Who are you again? I'm the guy who figured out the boot code in 4 days. What have you done? You heard him. A thousand other engineers. No, you need me. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here. What do you want? I want you to go dangle your little opportunity in someone else's face. You would never. Call and Catch Fire premieres Sunday, June 1st at 10 p.m. on AMC. Mackenzie, thanks so much. Please come back. Thanks for having me. Wow. All right, Mackenzie Davis. Everybody, we'll be right back. Baroo Assault. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight my next guests are performing together for the first time in 18 years. And on June 22nd, they'll kick off a summer tour in Portland, Oregon. To see an exclusive performance of their new song, The Museum of Broken Relationships, head over to teamco.com/music, where you can also find a link to a free download. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Verooa Salt. Cater is neither loose nor tight. Cedar is neither black. No high. I try to keep her on a short. I try to calm her down. I try to ram her into the ground. Yeah. Can't fire the se. See there is neither big nor small. Here is the center of it all. I try to rob her cradle. I try to calm her down. I try to ram her into the ground. Can't fire the fire. See, can't see her. I can't see her till I see her out. Keep her down before they water. Keep her down. What a lovely daughter. Oh, she is not born like other girls, but I know how to conceive her. Oh, she may not look like other girls. Jesus Peter see I can't see her till I feel. Can't fire, can't see that. Good to see you. Ladies and gentlemen, sorry. That is our show. Stay tuned for The Pete Holmes Show. Good night, everybody. Here. We'll see you in a second. Everybody, my first guest tonight is of course an actor and a comedian who has just written this new memoir entitled Based on a True Story, which is now on the New York Times bestseller list. Uh, please welcome one of our oldest friends, Norm McDonald. Let's get him out here. Wow, that's something else, huh? What a crowd. What a crowd. What a crowd. You guys are great. I'll tell you that. I've been

On a lot of shows, but there's no better crowd than you right here. I'll tell you that. You're a pro. You're a pro. You came out here. You lit this crowd up here. I'm just telling the truth. You're the truth teller. You got your uh you got your book thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let me read some of it. You don't have to do. You don't. You don't have to do that. That's rich. I'll tell you something. Yeah. What's up, pal? This is not a memoir. It says a memoir on it. Oh, yeah. Well, I thought this was a memoir. I thought this was. No, it only says a memoir on it, but it's a novel. I don't know. So, I'm, you know, I was angry when it was in the f non-fiction. Yeah, cuz it's a memoir. It says a memoir doesn't mean anything, right? It's like if you, you know, bought Grapes of Wrath, you're like, "Hey, there's no grapes." Yeah. Or you put it in the grape section. That's smart. Yeah. Then everybody will find Grapes of Wrath. Yeah. People that like grapes. Okay. Listen, Norm, settle down. This. Have I made my point? You made your point. Uh I. If this was a memoir, if this were a memoir. Yeah. I would put juicy things from my own life. Right. Right. Like, what kind of things would you put in there that nobody knows? Well, I guess the biggest thing that nobody knows about me is I'm a deeply closeted gay man. What I mean that's. I mean that's. You're a gay man. I'm not gay. I said I'm deeply closeted. I'm as straight as an arrow. So you're a gay man who won't admit it? No. No. Do you know what deeply closeted means? Yeah. It means a man who will not acknowledge that he's gay. Yes. So, I'm telling you, I'm not gay. I got a wife. I just got. I just got married because I thought go through that charade to keep appearances up. Oh, yeah. That's the kind of thing you'd tell if this were a memo. If this were a memoir, if this were a memoir, I would tell about my wife. What a battle axe. A battle axe. I mean, no one's called their wife a battle axe since 1945. Come, how do you feel about a woman? She's supposed to be my life partner. I look in the mirror the other day and I says to her, I says, "Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly old man, and I need you to give me a compliment." She says, "All right, then. Uh, your eyesight is damn near perfect." I said, "You're dirty dog." Wait, you you called her a dirty dog? A dirty duck. A dirty dog. We have fights constantly. Oh, you do? Do you? No. And sometimes it bleeds over. Like we were driving that car. We went past a bunch of animals. There was a pig, a cow. And I I admit this is a little cruel. You were kind of mad at her at the time. I was mad at her. So I say, "Hey, you see that pig, that cow, you know, horse that remind you of any of your relatives?" She says, "Yeah, my in-laws." I said, "You dirty dog." Oh, wow. Wow. Dirty dog again. Wow. I tell you, until I met my wife, I always felt incomplete. Now I'm finished. But I will say this. What is going on? I will say this. What is this go? What is going on? This is a 1935 radio show. I know. Any young men, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. What? What you say then, Nor? Let me let me say what's out to say more, Nor. We're going to take a break for Chester Seal Figure. Well, let me say something more more modern and stylish then. Okay. My wife went into a coma. Oh, sorry to hear that. And uh the doctor said to me, and you won't hear this from any 1935 comic. He says to me, "There's one way to wake her up, but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and you have oral sex with her." I said, "By God." He says, "I've seen it work." I said, "Well, I'm willing to try." So, I go in there. I'm in there about 5 minutes and I come out. I said, "Doc, she's choking." Um, but that's modern medicine. That's modern medicine. We're going to take a break. I'm going to find out what's happening here. That's modern. We're going to take a little break here. Here's a message from the good people at Bosco Chocolate Syrup. We'll be back. More Norm McDonald after this.

See, we're back. I'm sitting here with uh Norm McDonald. Norm, uh you know, I didn't get a chance to talk to you before the show and I like to find out how you're doing uh in your personal life. Uh you I know you're from Canada. Yes. Yes. And you get back rural Canada. Deep rural Canada. And do you get back there much and and see the old gang, the old old chunks? Yeah. You know, I grew up we didn't know the things that you do. to the city. City folks. I remember when my dad when I was young, he took me to the first time we ever went to the city and we saw an elevator and by God, my dad didn't know what it was and I didn't know what it was and we see the doors. It was just magic doors to us. That's what my dad called it. The doors open and a big fat old ugly woman in a wheelchair got in. Mhm. And then the doors closed and then the doors open again and a beautiful blonde walks out and my dad says, "Quick, go get your mother now." I mean, that guy was a. Listen, he was a dirty dog, but he was a good man. He's a good man. Uh-huh. You ever see any of the old chums uh up there in Canada? Go up to the old rural areas of Canada. I I I met a man there last time I was there that lived in the city of Cornwall where Ryan Gosling hailed. And uh Well, it's a big city because of that now. Yeah. And so uh big deal. Yeah. Yeah. So anyways, uh um he was from the city and he got tired of the rat race racing and chasing and trying to keep up with the Joneses. He got tired of the city life. Yeah. He couldn't take it anymore. He said, "I'm going to get myself land." Land. Man needs land. So he went to the country where we live. And the soil's not arable. It's rocky. Hellish. But anyways, he liked it. Yeah. And uh so the first day there the neighbor fell Angus McGregor comes over and I know Angus long time and Angus old fell he says uh what's your name? Guy says Phil Henshaw. He said you're from the city I hear. Yes. He says well I just came over to say hello. God the city fell says isn't that something? All the years I was in the city I never met my neighbor. Lived in an apartment and I never met my neighbor. First day here on the farm and here you are saying hello. Well, I'm saying more than hello is Angus McGregor. I'm going to invite you to a welcome wagon party over at uh at my u my farm. Well, the city fell says that's exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for I guess I was looking for a sense of community as well as owning land. Yeah. So, uh, he says, "What's the party going to be like?" So, Angus McGregor says, "Well, I won't lie to you. It gets pretty rowdy. A little drinking, a little fighting, a little fornicating." So, the guy says, "Well, that's all right with me. What time do I show up?" Angus says, "It don't matter. Just the two of us." No, just that's right.

Now, you almost broke a Pulitzer Prize nominated book. Yes. One nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. Uh, is this true that you met. Oh, God. that I met Don. Well, I was just going to tell you because I was I was reminded by my book that I like self-help books and I felt I felt I got a copy here. You don't have to keep waving that thing around. I felt that I was not affectionate enough in my real life and I guess it was because my father we shook hands and we that's how we expressed our terms of endearment and that's the way it was in the on the North 40. But I I said now in the city and as a more evolved uh person now, you know, I'll never call myself a cosmopolit. But I will say this, I wanted to get a book to to just to teach myself how to be affectionate. And I didn't know if they had it, but I found one in a bookstore. It was called How to Hug. How to Hug. It's nice. And I got it. And by God, I was disappointed. It turned out it was volume five of the Oxford English Dictionary, How to Hug. But this book, it's fantastic. Yeah, we don't need two books. Uh, we really don't. Now, you met Trump recently, is that right? I met Donald Trump at a time. Is this a true story? Yes. Or is this one of your he has a farm and a goat comes by? Cuz I'm not with that [ __ ]. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I saw Try Trump. He had a had a farm. He had he had a He said, "I want you to meet my donkey," he said. And I was like, "Well, Mr. Trump, I know you're running for president, but tell me more about this uh here donkey." Well, he says, "If you want to see the donkey, you got to first meet my three daughters. Now, the first one's shy, the second one's sexy, and the third one has one leg." I'm making all of this up. I know, but this is exactly what you do about the ending. I never tell that type of joke because that's a kind of a joke that we shouldn't be telling. You're right. I apologize. But I will. No, I did meet Trump. No, you meant this is true. You meant absolutely true story. I was on another talk show, not a competing talk show because talk shows don't compete. Hey, and I think no show competes with this one. No, sir. You say that with irony, but I say that with truth. I I agree with you. You've been on the air 23 years. Yeah. My god. Mr. Carson, seven years shy of Carson himself. Can you imagine? Carson Daly. Carson. Carson Daly has been on 45 years. But uh look at this man compared to Johnny Carson at the time. You know, look at Johnny Carson. Get a picture of him seven years before he retired. Long white hair, white beard. He didn't have a white beard. Johnny always looked fantastic. Well, have I ever done my Johnny Carson impression for you? No, you haven't. But I'm sure this young audience would love to see it. Go ahead. Let's see it. This is. You can You can You can play along. You can be the 911 operator. This is Johnny Carson uh when he was having his heart attack. He actually phoned 911. People don't know this. He phoned 911 himself. He's a very brave man. And uh so during a heart attack, he phoned 911. So you be the 911 operator. Okay. Say hello. Hello. Uh hello. This is This is Johnny Carson. Oh. Uh Mr. Carson, how can I help you? I feel like there's a yak on my chest. Well, sir, I'm going to hang up on you now. Actually a good Johnny, but Times have changed. I know. I know. I know.

Now listen, I shouldn't say stuff like that. Uh, Mr. Trump, you met Trump. I just I didn't meet Trump. I guess I feel as a a closeted gay man living in a deeply like a sham of a marriage. I have the right to say more, but I guess I don't. Um, Mr. Trump, this is a true story. Yes, we were on a talk show. Not as good as your talk show. He was on first. I was on second. There was only three minutes between. He stepped out. Secret Service was everywhere. He knows me. I've met him. And I said, "Mr. Trump, can I get a picture?" He goes, "Ah, you're funny. I love you. I'll just I'll take a picture with you in a minute." And then he turned around and he walked down with the Secret Service guy and got in an elevator and uh I love that. Yeah, it was like a like a Buster Keaton film or something. Like it was just so funny to me. All right. Well, we are completely out of time. What about He wants to show He wants to show his Sully movie. We are. All right. We're going to do it. I don't care. It's Norman. We're going to do it. We can cut stuff. No. No. We're not cutting anything. We can't afford that. My stuff. No, no, no, no. Now, this is important to you. Yes. It's very important. The film Sully came out. It was a great movie. A fantastic movie. I love it. Oh my god. So, I'm so happy because I have a companion piece to that movie. Uh because that's the whole story was not told. You know, Clint Eastwood did a fine job. I did a fine job. Who knows who did a better job? It doesn't matter. But you have a competing Sully movie. Not a competing a companion. So when it when it finally comes on Netflix, it will say, you know, the Sully Sullenberger movie. You watch Sully. You watch that and then it will say if you like that movie Conan. Yeah, Conan. Just Conan. I know. I'm sorry. I know you hate that. No. Uh, if you if you like that movie, Conan, you will love Sully Sullenberger, airport pilot, which I did. So, you do your version of you and you shot this. Yes. And this is right. You play Sully Sullenberger in your movie. I play Sully Sullenberger. Tom Hanks plays him in the other movie. Who's to say who's better? It's an age-old debate. The point is this. You watch them together, you get the whole story. Because I watched Sully. It's him landing on the Hudson and then what happened after. And what does yours cover? Mine covers what he does before. It's called Sully Sullenberger Airport P. This is before he lands on the Hudson. Like like a year or two before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a prequel. Yeah. Yeah. Prequel. All right. Let's take a look at Sully Sullenberger. I play Sully. Yeah. Uh behalf of uh US Air Line, uh we know you have a lot of choices to make and uh we're glad you chose us. Have fun in Kansas City, everybody. That's not a movie. That's not a movie. I didn't choose that clip. There's a There's a better clip that I get. What do you mean there's a better clip? Yeah, there's a better clip than that. I hope there's a better clip. The story is a love story. That's what I was trying to get. What? Nobody knows about Mrs. Sullenberger. Old Ruth Sullenberger. Oh, and they have a they have a this this clip shows their real love for each other. Yeah, it's love. Okay, here we go. Sully, why didn't you give me a seat? Why do I have to stand here for the whole flight? I told you it's cheaper. Save it up for the thing. Now listen, you know why you're standing up here. I'm just kidding you. I love you. That's why. Hey, you want to you want to uh land this? Yeah. Pretty well lands itself. I love it. Okay. Uh, oh, that girl will be so happy. Yeah. Uh, I I got her I found her at your show. Yeah, I'm sure you did. I discovered her at your program in New York and I cast her and she's going to be so happy. She'll be very happy. She'll make tens of dollars off that. Uh, okay. Based on a true story, a memoir is available now. Season 3 of Norm McDonald Live can be found at youtube.com/normdonald. I've missed you, fellas. I'll tell you that. Or Amazon Prime. Norm, would you? It's just I never know what's going to happen. And you're truly one of the most delightful odd people I've ever met. I love you, Nor McDonald. I love him. We'll be right back. Kiki from Scream Queens.

All right, everybody. We are back. My next guest played Marty Marishino in the Emmy award-winning Greece Live. Now she's starring on the popular Fox series Scream Queens. Please welcome the lovely Kiki Palmer. Hi guys, Pete. How are you? First of all, I'm so glad to be here with you. It's been some time. I know it's been some time. It's a kill in the beat day. I know. But it's been so nice to have you on and I'm loving that you're rocking the red hair. I tried to get a little bit of your swag. Yeah. Mine is of course not a human color, but I'm trying to get on that red hair swag. Yeah. Well, is red hair I mean, do you feel different as a as a red head? Cuz I feel very bold, you know. I do. I feel like red is such a very like kind of jarring kind of color. So to imagine it on my head, it's like, "What's up? It's your girl Kinks." Yeah. Well, that's nice cuz I've always thought that maybe it wasn't sexy, you know? I mean, it's very sexy on you, but I've never thought that women are like, "Oh, I got to get me a redheaded guy. Oh, I love I love me a red head. But when they don't have freckles, I start to get a little bit like, did you do this or is this naturally you have freckles? Yeah, you got the freckles to prove. I got them all over. More on that later. Uh, yeah. And then and so you're feeling good about it. You're feeling good about this change. It's a really good fun change. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Now, we got to talk about something. You posted a dance move recently that I wanted to ask you about cuz I was intrigued by this. uh you can actually uh it appears like you have like a superpower uh and I wanted to ask you about let's just take a look at this dance move and then you can describe what's happening here. How do you do that? How do you do that? I'm telling you it's just about. No, no, no. It's what? It's just it's just about the glutamus maximus isolation. Isolating. You just got to isolate each butt cheek. And it's just it's not as I mean it's not I wish I could. Yeah, you could do whatever you want to do. We have no problem. I feel crazy right now. Sorry, Mom, that I'm doing this. All right, let's do it. No, it's just a little. Wait, wait. Can you teach Conan how to do this? You there? Come here. you there. And I'm relax yourself. Relax yourself. And you're just going to do a little booty isolation. Just going to go one cheek, other cheek. I can't there. I have no ass what to speak of. I have I have nothing here. There's nothing here. Literally just I have no nerve endings down here. I have nothing. What about one big just both cheeks? Nothing's happening. I can't. A for effort. A for effort. A for effort. That's horrible. No, I can't do that. I have no. What do you got going on? The lights. There's nothing here. There's nothing. There's nothing. Yes. Feel that. Just feel around a little bit. That's right. Feel around. Jesus. Mary and Joseph. That was actually good. No, nothing happens. No, I'm not going to I don't I hate. No, he's pretty off the chest. I hate high-fiving my own humiliation. It's just uh the worst. But I I I honestly don't understand how you do that. That's amazing. You just isolated. You know, I learned this from a lot of I do this. I've done this on the show a lot. I do that all the time. That's pretty good. I just keep on putting my eyebrows up. Yeah. Yeah. Mine isn't that cool. Well, see, everybody got their tricks. Yeah. No, that's literally all I've got right there. And you're funny. You're pretty hilarious. I got this. Uh, now let's talk about uh I will say Kiki does not need tricks cuz I've never seen this breathtaking girl in my life. And her smile is so genuine. That's unbelievable. Why are you doing this to me? Oh, I know. That's I'm sorry. I wish you could have seen the look Norm gave me as you were hugging him. He was like, you did. You did. He did that and then you hugged him and he looked at me like it worked. You're a creep. You're an old codger. You are. I'm a fat old man, but. No, no, no. You are a rap scallion. You are. I'm no I maybe escape grace, but in this case I'm I'm absolutely genuine. I don't mean every word of what I said is true. Thank you. This is a little a little bit like when Donnie met Marlo. You guys he. Here we go. Even I don't get that one. Careful there. There you go. You guys go way back. Yes, we go way back to Drew Jackson VP. Yes, I was a I did a guest work on her old show. Yeah, that's right. That is so awesome. How you been? I've been good. You look good. I love your tie. Thanks. Thank you very much. Hey, Norm, how you doing? How have you been? Listen, man. I'm just a fat old man trying to get through. But when I even sit beside such a image, I can't. Some I'm sorry. When did you become an old southern colonel? Well, I I don't know much, but I know that I'd like to take you for a walk down to that creek. Yonder, who are you? I'm just I I was I was talking literally when I said breathtaking, and it's very hard to speak when you don't got no breath left. Oh, yeah. Honestly, this is too much. He's going to give me the look. He's going to give me the look. He's going to give me a look. Well, he is. I knew it. All right. You got to come back when this Smasher isn't here. I've got to come back with all you guys. Yeah, I like this lineup. We got to get our We got to take this on the road. I was thinking the same thing. You guys want to go all go on the road together and take this act around town? I don't think I could survive it. I I mean right now if you were to take my post, you'd have to subtract eight. Okay. So, Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9 on Fox. Yes. And look for Kiki's new book out. Yes. I hope I'm in it. We can We can work it out. It's coming out in January. Yes. You got to get me in there fast. Uh, January 2017, look for the Conan is hot chapter. Kiki Palmer, thank you so much. Live. Greatest hits from around the world is the brand new album for my next guest who will be appearing tomorrow night at the Greek Theater right here in Los Angeles. Let's give it up for Zezy Top. Oh yeah. All right. Will people say a man is a made out of blood? A poor man's made out of muscle and blood. Muscle and blood and skin and bone. A mind that's weak and a back that's strong to what do you get another day of death I can't go I owe my soul to the Open his door. Heat. Heat. But if you see me go to step aside, a lot of men didn't have a lot of men die. One fist of iron and the other will steal. If the ride don't get you then the love's one will you know what do you get another day don't you call me those I can't go I owe my soul to the company stone Hey, hey, hey. Thank you. Hey, that's an honor, sir. Great to see you again. I love a dog running out. Hi there. How are you? Hi, Z. Ladies and gentlemen, that's our show. Good night everybody.

We're back. It's the Here Comes the Funny Tour, right? Which starts December 2nd. Yes, we are on tour doing stand up together. The We're all running around doing our rack. Tim Meadows is on a few shows, too. All right. Hilarious. Yeah. Tim Meadows, everybody. So, yeah. Like December 2nd to the December 14th or something. We're running around the country country doing the act. All right. I got a lot of questions here. Uh Rob, do you like all the traveling? It's an ton. It's a ton of traveling. I like it. It is a lot. You know, you fall asleep sometimes on the plane. Sometimes these guys try to pull practical jokes. Nothing like waking up with Nick Schwarzen's penis in your hair. Did that really happen? Yeah. How long were you there with the penis on his hair before he woke up? About 4 hours. You know, it's funny, too, cuz notice who's wearing a hat. Exactly. Protect. I said, you know, you're looking for Spade. He's two seats over. Yeah. That's the only time I ever saw a man sleep with two eyes open. You're getting you're getting older as the night goes on. You're a really old blues musician now. Now, uh, Adam, listen. I tell you this. Oh, here it comes. What's that old man? Everybody talking about Trump and all this. I say make love, not war. He's right. That's it. If you want if you want both, get married. There you go. What an awful man. Now listen, uh he's very similar though with the trumpet. Adam Adam, let's talk about this. Adam, you love playing basketball. I know that. I've known you for a long time. Uh you play with these guys. Uh Nick, is Adam is is he good? Is he a good basketball player? Okay. Adam is Adam is very good at basketball. He's very deceiving at basketball. But in all fairness, we we don't play hard defense because we need to keep working. So we if we hard foul Adam, everything's you know what I mean? Yeah. So we always keep a foot foot or two back. Yeah. Yeah. I know. But I got to say playing ball. So we do this tour. We fly to every uh city. We get there and I'll say to the everybody always when we get off the planes always like, "Hey, what do you guys want to do?" And I always say, "Hey, you guys want to play basketball?" And every one of them pretends they're going to like, "Oh, where?" And then I'm like, "Oh, the uh the Pacers gave us the the their, you know, place where they play." And they're like, "Oh, I don't like it there." By the way, congrats on the new talk show. I'm Brit. By the way, thank you. Thank you. I've been waiting for that for 23 years. I'll tell you one thing. As you know, on your last show, I came out as a deeply closeted gay man. Yeah. And I'm not gay, but uh David on one time, this is a true story, and Dave, you'll you'll attest to this. Bought me a beautiful leather jacket. That's right. Well out of my price range. Mhm. Now, I'm no one to take charity. You're doing like a Mark Twain one man show. All alone in the back. Uhhuh. I am not one to take charity. I sucked him off. Surprising. You're making me hell over here. Save some of that air. None of this is going to be on the air. You're going to have to buy this on a cassette that'll be wrapped in brown paper. Lord, now in all seriousness, in all seriousness, I didn't I didn't I I knew everybody. Nick, least of all, but I've made great friends with Nick and uh uh Adam is the most kind and generous man there is in Hollywood. You are too. And uh and they've all been very kind to me and I I thank them. Well, Norm, you're awesome. We all love you, Norm. We all love you, Norm. And And I just want to say sometimes this is the part of the part of the night where it usually happens about this time when the medication goes off. This is Can I Can I say something? Sure. Do you remember how exciting it was? Swear to you weren't there. I'm sorry, but you can jump in anyways. But when when when Conan got the show Oh, yeah. how great that was when we were all young boys at Saturday Night Live. They were all young alive guys and you were the man and it was like a big deal and they gave it a con. Everybody wanted, as a matter of fact, I remember the very night cuz we were in Mohawk and we watched you. Right. That's right. We were in Mohawk with Farley. Yeah. And Farley was there. Farley that night. It was the first night I ever met Farley. It was your first night on the on the show. We all sat around and watched you when we cheer you on, buddy. And Farley, he took me he never met me before in his life, you know. He took me back. He said, "I got to tell you a secret about me all the way to back in the mall like the wood." Just the wood. No, the within the within the uh Okay. The hotel, right? In the hotel. And he secreted me into this room and he locked it and he made sure it wasn't bugged and everything. He said, "I got a secret." I was very, you know, uh honored to have this. And then his secret was he said, "This doesn't go past these walls. Pat is a woman. Serious.

All right, we're going to do something. We're going to take We're going to take a break from this very strange show, but you got to stick around because when uh when we come back, I have a strong feeling that Mr. Adam Sandler might play us a song. All right, ladies and gentlemen, here to sing us a tune is. Can I just say one thing, Nor? Nor McDonald's mom is here. Should we say hi to her? She's in the back way in the back there. There she is. Her last throw. Yeah, that's right. All right. And I just want to point out, she's been at every taping of my show for 23 years. She always sits right in the back. So, get out of here. We get her the best seat. Beat the traffic. That's right. You're You're going to sing us a little tune. I'll sing a song. Okay. Sorry. This will take a second. And this is Conan's guitar. Thanks, Conan. No problem. All right. It's a nice one. Okay. It's kind of a uh it's a I don't know. It gets it gets heavy. I hope you can handle it. Okay. My old chair is like a big comfy friend. It's soft and it's fuzzy with a brownish orangey blend. But the padding is gone. And I'm sorry to say. I think it's time for me to throw my chair away. Oh no. So I sit in you one last time. I promise not to cry. pull on your handle, then recline and say goodbye. So, I put you out on the curb and I wish you good luck. Then I see a guy with a mullet drive by and put you in the back of his truck. And I hope that he'll be good to you. Do the things that I couldn't do. And I hope he gives you more than me. I hope that he's good company. But when I climb into my bed and I turn out the light, I'll be wondering who's farting in your cushion tonight. I could always part on you. Sorry. I could always fart on you. You were always in the mood. Even that one summer when I was eating lots of Indian food, but I miss you more than ever. And I know I'm to blame. I guess I can fart on the couch now. But baby, it's just not the same. And I miss you, baby, oh so much. Your giant buttons and your velvet touch. And I miss you more than anything. The ball pokey of your broken spring. If loving a chair is wrong, I don't want to be right. So I'm wondering who's farting in your cushion tonight. Do you remember the night we watched the movie Norbit? And every time I broke wind, you were happy to absorb it. And after I'd go jogging, my sweaty ass would get your seat wet. And when I accidentally shattered my pants, you kept it a secret. And I think that I should let you know. I'm sorry that I let you go. And every day I hope I see my chair on the curb just waiting for me. I dream about you all the time and I hope you're all right. That's why I'm wondering who's parting in your cuz you do not. Cuz I wish it was me who was farting in your cushion. Don't I? Thank you very much. Here comes the 22 starts December 2nd. These guys will all be in Los Angeles December 6th at the Microsoft Theater. Adam Sandler, David Spade, Nick Schwarz, Nor McDonald, Rob Schneider, Nor McDonald's man. Well, she already she is right there. She tried to leave without paying me right back to her. Pretty cool.

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guests are fronted by David Diggs, the Tony and Grammy Award-winning actor from the smash Broadway hit Hamilton. They're here tonight with a song from their album Splendor and Misery. Please welcome Clipping. Ride on. Should have made the news a little tighter cuz it ain't nobody dead. We who are about to bang them drums. Beating on a dead body riding shotgun. Talking that talk trick. Bite your tongue. See that ship over your city? Better run. This war is like a board game. Where we come from? Already bored claiming you're a gang. P go to gun boy on some other trip. Check your solar system trick. Don't let another sucker catch you sleeping at the wrong son. Son of haters send him in a orbit higher than these other suckers claiming is their purpose. Turn and ask your partner why he started acting nervous. Rat keep talking at slip service. Rats decided it was time to hit the surface. Cats sleeping on him. Write him off like cursive. Drown yourself a hater. His experience immersive. Now that he can feel it, call the doctors and the nurses. Oh, what you going to do about it? Ain't nothing new about it. Should have made the news a little tighter cuz it ain't nobody dead. Just some goddamn riders. Air them out. Air them out. Air them out. Air them out. Nope. Should have made the news a little tighter cuz it ain't nobody dead. Just some goddamn riders. Try to play and kill us off like silk. Old Fil got to pay for the milk lies high off these lows when they step up in the party. Would have got up in they like they was some mowing counties. So it's whips and chains. That's state game like it was in B back when a Mac would slang with his partners. Try to make himself a name in the traps all the way from Banjo to the Kahuchi trap. Snatch a Hooie with a smile tap in front of back. Somebody try to stop you. Tell that decker back back stack racks invisible. Five deep strap hanging out a black derable player. This is critical. Masses, massive, mass, mass murderer, massive barking at the moon that don't been walked on. Hit the kill switch and you still moving backwards when they choke you with that real trick. What you going to do about it? Ain't nothing new about it. Should have made the news a little tighter cuz it ain't nobody dead. Just some goddamn riders. Air mouth. Let them breathe. Air got air out. Want to see air. Nope. Should have made the news a little tighter cuz it ain't nobody dead. Just some goddamn riders come up off your smooth talk. Player this raspy. You're stuck on morse code. Player this asy. Your birthright make you scared to get nasty. The key word is chemmer. That's what your ass need. Anybody bugging? Get it in the mandible. Got a problem? Go and hit them on the anible. Ain't nobody flying just because they fly here. You could trip sets. Real players trip light years. Tight rope time, twinkle toes, and what is he riding the N? Everybody's hands up. Who they want? Game over. Old leash calling anyone who ain't sober. Old leaking ass man on the corner talking that tough to the sky is a warning and you should pay attention what he's saying cuz the acumen ain't everything and these killers ain't playing ho. What you going to do about it? Ain't nothing new about it. Should have made the news a little tighter cuz it ain't nobody dead. Just some goddamn riders in a brea should have made the news a little tighter cuz it ain't nobody dead. Just a goddamn rid. That's our show. Good night, everybody. Had guys like you in the audience. Nothing I say gets a chuckle. You want to hear a joke? I had a German girlfriend and she liked to write my sexual performance on a scale of 1 to 10. I tried anal one night. I thought I was doing pretty well cuz she was shouting nine nine nine. See the idea is nine means no. Uh so that's why that's funny. I know someone hurt you a long time ago and you've built a wall, but it's time to let that wall down. Let me in. I can take us back to the kitchen and there's oil there. I can see you're thinking about it. If you're interested in having sex with me, blink once.