Chapter 7 I'm Coming Out

7. I'm coming out. When and with whom to disclose. I found my voice and I found my freedom. George Teay.

If understanding your vision and defining your identity were all it took to manifest your ideal life, navigating relationships would be a breeze and everyone would be living their dreams. Unfortunately, reality is far more complex. Every vision requires committed action. And as you contemplate coming out about open relating, you will inevitably balance your true desires and authenticity with societal expectations.

Blurting it out in frustration. Societal norms around relationships are often rigid and pervasive. As you carve out your own path in open relating, be prepared for challenges you may face. One of my less proud moments was when I shared that I was Polly with my mom during a work trip to Australia where my best friend Brad tagged along. I shared photos of our adventures at the opera house on Facebook. To my surprise, my mom called, furious, asking, "Are you dating Brad?" I quickly responded, "Mom, of course not. We're best friends and have been for 15 years." She pressed on, "But you're traveling internationally with him." Yes, that's true. But Brad has traveled with me to Mexico, Nicaragua, Greece, Italy, Bali in the past. This isn't new. Well, people are talking. What people? Our friends and my siblings. Well, you can let them talk. Take the pictures down. In a moment of utter frustration and annoyance, I blurted out, "Mom, I've been seeing other people for years, and so has Andrew. This is not a big deal." Her anger was palpable. She hung up on me immediately and then later told me in an email that she disagreed with my life choices and did not want to discuss it further. That conversation marked the last time we addressed my open marriage until I began writing this book.

My initial lack of thoughtfulness in disclosing my sexual orientation caused emotional pain for my mom and for me. As I failed to consider how my choices could impact those around me. As you explore what you want for your own relationships, it's essential to clarify how open you want to be about your identity and the potential impacts it may have on your relationships. Consider the following.

One, impact on yourself. Reflect on how your openness will affect your emotional and mental well-being.

Two, impact on others. Think about how your decisions will affect the people in your life, family, co-workers, friends, and even clients. For example, one of my partners, a guitar teacher, chooses to keep his identity private due to concerns about parental backlash regarding his role as an educator.

Once again, in my desire to live authentically while writing this book, I came out publicly and all the social media channels that I am a bisexual queer polywoman. Remembering my last conversation with my mom on the topic, I proactively blocked her, my stepdad, my aunts and uncles, and other family members from my posts. Yet somehow, an uncle still heard the rumor and brought it up to my mom as a at a cousin's wedding. Exasperated, she texted me telling me that she was embarrassed to have to defend me at this wedding. This time, I shared calmly that if we're going to maintain a loving relationship as mother and daughter, I'd ask her to keep her opinions about my sex life and orientation to herself. I'm now prepared to manage the societal feedback, but I expect it will get harder before it gets easier. Even with this preparation, they may not be supportive. However, you will have demonstrated that you care enough about the people in your life to consider what their feelings will be when you come out because this person matters to you.

Remember, this is your life, your relationships, your identity. No one else's approval is necessary for you to be enough or for your choices to be valid. It's likely that some people will disapprove leading to challenges whether at work or with adult children. And that's okay. They are entitled to their reactions and to their own feelings as open relationships are still not widely accepted. Prepare yourself for the road ahead as you choose a less popular, less traveled, and less accepted path. This journey will require you to engage in your own work and cultivate self-acceptance as external validation may not always be available. Navigating this journey requires patience, self-reflection, and courage. Embrace your truth and let it guide you as you move forward.

The struggle of duality. I think the best thing we can do is to be ourselves. But that is tricky because we are often multiple selves. Zadeie Smith.

At some point, you may wake up and realize, "I'm Polly. I always have been and I always will be. This is an integral part of who I am and an essential piece of my identity. I want to shout it from the rooftops." For me, this realization came recently within the last year when I recognized that I had been living a dual existence. On one hand, I was a corporate executive and a mom with a son, two dogs, and a husband in a fairly conservative neighborhood residing in a big white house. On the other hand, I was a proud by queer woman traveling the world, picking up lovers, hosting play parties, and attending sex clubs. For a time, this dichotomy worked for me until it didn't. I began to feel insincere, inauthentic, and incomplete. There were moments in my life when I felt unable to bring these two identities together.

I had wanted to be more open about my sexual identity for years. I recall a work trip in 2015 when I told my boss that I was in an open marriage. His response was disheartening. He sat me down and said it was inappropriate for me to share this information at work. Ironically, in the same week, my company sponsored a float in the Pride parade in San Francisco. It felt incredibly unfair and like a clear double standard. I was silenced about my open marriage while my workplace celebrated LGBTQ identities. In that moment, I realized that there is no P at the end of LGBTQ and polyamory and open relating are not yet recognized as a protected class. It's new enough that many people still feel uncomfortable discussing it. I firmly believe that PE should be added to the LGBTQ rainbow and I will be an advocate for that for years to come.

Coming out the process, you have to be unique and different in shining your own way. Lady Gaga.

Until that happens, until LGBTQ has a P at the end, when choosing to come out of the closet, it's essential to consider how you want to disclose your identity to whom, and how you will communicate this with your partners if you choose to remain quiet. Let's break down this process.

Discussing polyory at work. Polyory is still not a protected class under the sexual orientation in the US Constitution. However, as an attorney, I argue that it could be interpreted as falling under the sexual orientation umbrella. In a workplace scenario, however, um, this is often treated with a don't ask don't tell application. You cannot be discriminated against based on your sexual orientation, but that doesn't mean that you can freely discuss it. Generally, I recommend avoiding discussions about your sex life at work. It is often seen as inappropriate. However, as people start to embrace polyamory as part of their identity, similar to being transgender or identifying as LGBTQ, hiding it will become increasingly more difficult. For instance, if you're in a triad or polycule and bring multiple partners to a work event, it will be challenging to keep that a secret. In my case, I once disclosed my polyamory to a boss who asked if I had attended a sex party. While it was inappropriate for her to ask, I chose be honest, and she turned out to be quite supportive. If you plan on coming out at work, be thoughtful about how you do so and with whom.

Social media considerations. If you wish to come out on social media platforms, be mindful of who will have access to that information. When I recently came out on Facebook to my 5,000 friends, I blocked my co-workers and certain other people to maintain my boundaries and safety at work.

Talking to adult family members about polyamory. Now, let's discuss how to disclose your polymerous identity to your family. This can vary greatly depending on with whom you are speaking.

Exercise formula for a difficult conversation. To help you navigate conversations about your orientation, I recommend a structured approach. Here's a formula for having difficult conversations.

Number one, make a list. Identify everyone you intend to communicate with and when you plan to talk to them.

Two, schedule a time. Arrange a specific time to talk, letting them know that you want to discuss something important. This gives them a chance to prepare.

Three, practice the conversation. Visualize the discussion to prepare emotionally and mentally. This is often referred to as an energetic conversation. Practice having the conversation out loud to help both you and the other person prepare.

Four, initiate the conversation. When you are ready, start with "There's something important I want to share and it's difficult for me to discuss this. My fear is that when I share this, you may react in one of several ways and provide some specific examples. You may shun me. You may end the relationship. You may abandon me. Whatever that might be, my hope is that you will respond in a more supportive way. That you'll tell me you love me no matter what. That you'll support my decisions, etc. And here is what I have to share." And then go on. This approach allows your audience to respond mindfully and gives them options for how to react.

Explaining to children. When it comes to children, there are two main approaches. Some parents choose to be open about their polyamory from day one, while others wait until their children are older. My son knows that mommy is by and queer and understands that I go on dates. It's part of our life, and we openly discuss relationships at our barbecues. However, many couples come out later, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. You need to consider when your children will be ready to understand and engage in these conversations. For one child, that could be at 12 years old, and for another, it could be at 18. It's essential to ensure that your relationship agreements protect your children from being unintentionally exposed to information they're not ready for. I highly recommend engaging with a polyinformed therapist if you're planning to come out to your children to ensure that you're meeting their needs when communicating about yours.

They hurt us. When Amelia and Jess were on a date, they decided to head back to her place to get more comfortable. But Jess suddenly realized while in the act that her daughter was home. Panic set in. She hadn't planned on coming out to her kids until they were grown and out of the house. But the cat was out of the bag. Jess first had to manage this breakdown with her husband, Arnold, who was furious that they were forced to come out to their child in this way. But then together, Jess and Arnold approached their daughter. She was surprisingly okay with the fact that they were in an open marriage, but was more impacted by the fact that for a short period of time, uh, they thought that mom was having an affair and sneaking around.

When children enter the picture, communication takes on a new level of importance. Depending on their age, children may be curious about your relationships or feel an impact of changes in their own family structure. It's essential to approach these conversations with sensitivity, honesty, and age-appropriate language. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that children who are included in discussions about family changes tend to have better emotional outcomes as they feel more in control and less anxious. Discuss your relationships in a way that they can comprehend, providing reassurance that their needs will always come first. Studies indicate that children who receive consistent reassurance from parents about their love and commitment feel more secure, which is critical for their emotional development. This is particularly important in non-traditional family structures where children may feel uncertain about their place in this new family. Emphasize that love can be abundant and that having additional partners does not diminish the love that you have for your child.

Exercise a practice conversation. Here are some examples of how parents can frame these conversations for younger children ages 4 to 8.

One, discussing new relationships. "You know, we have a family and friends who we love who love us. Well, sometimes adults can have special friends, too, and that's okay. It just means that there's more love to go around."

Two, reassurance. "No matter how many friends I have, you are always my number one. My love for you will never change and I will always be here for you."

Three, explaining abundance. "Just like how you can love your toys, your pets, and your friends all at the same time, I can love my special friends, too. Love isn't something that we run out of. It just gets bigger."

For older children, ages 9 to 12.

One, explaining relationships. "In our family, we believe that love can be shared with more than one person. This means I have a partner who is not just your dad and mom, but they can be a part of our family in a different way."

Number two, addressing feelings. "If you ever feel confused or upset about the changes in our family, it's really important to me to talk about it. I want to make sure that you feel loved and safe and that your feelings matter a lot to me."

Three, emphasizing love. "Having more people in my life that I care about doesn't mean I care less about you. In fact, it can make our family even stronger because we can share love with more people."

For teenagers ages 13 and up.

One, open dialogue. "As you know, my relationships can look a bit different from what some people experience. I want to be honest with you about this because it's more important for me that you feel comfortable with our family dynamics and that you know."

Two, validating feelings. "It's completely normal to have mixed feelings about this. If you have questions or concerns, I'm here to talk and I want to hear your thoughts on how this affects you."

Three, reassuring commitment. "At the end of the day, my commitment to you as your parent remains unchanged. You are still my priority, and I'll always be here to support you no matter what."

Navigating the conversation about polyamory with children can be challenging, but using clear and age-appropriate language can help foster understanding and security. Supporting this approach with research-based insights reinforces the importance of communication and emotional reassurance in all family structures. By emphasizing that love can be abundant and that their needs will always come first, parents can create an environment where children feel secure and valued regardless of changes in family dynamics.

Community and support networks. In addition to navigating conversations with children, finding a supportive community can significantly ease the challenges of coming out as polyamorous. Many people find strength and understanding in local or online polyory groups where they can share experiences and seek advice. Engaging with others who understand the intricacies of polymerous relationships can provide you with valuable perspectives and resources. I myself have my polyphere which I mentioned previously called the circle. This is a group of 52 individuals who I've known over the last 10 years. And as I've had struggles or looked for relationship support and guidance, I've been able to come to this group vulnerably and authentically, but still in a contained environment and ask for support, advice, and feedback. Local meetups, workshops, and online forums can serve as platforms for learning and connection. By surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals, you can cultivate friendships and alliances that reinforce your identity. These connections can also provide a safety net, offering support when facing skepticism or discrimination from others.

Coming out as polyamorous is not just about sharing your relationship style. It's about embracing your identity and advocating for authenticity. Self-expression can take many forms through art, writing, or any creative outlet that resonates with you. Documenting your journey can be therapeutic and empowering. Consider starting a blog, creating a podcast, participating in public speaking events to share your story. Your experiences can inspire others who may be struggling with similar issues. That's right, why I'm writing this book.

As you consider your path forward, remember that coming out is an ongoing process. It's not a one-time event, but rather a series of conversations and experiences that evolve over time. Each disclosure can bring new challenges and rewards, and it's okay to take your time. You don't have to come out to everyone at once. Instead, prioritize those who you feel will be most supportive and understanding.

Setting boundaries. Finally, as you navigate this journey, be mindful of your own boundaries. Not everyone will respond positively to your disclosure, and that's okay. You have the right to protect your emotional well-being. If someone is unsupportive or disrespectful, assess the relationship and determine how much energy you want to invest in it, or set a boundary with your loved one that you are not open to discussing it further. Surround yourself with people who uplift and affirm your identity and consider, particularly early on, distancing yourself from those who do not.

I love my mom dearly. She has been my rock at some of the most difficult points in my life and we have been through so much together. I have great respect for the way in which she has lived her life and thank her for raising me with strong values. I also feel strongly that I am on the right path for my life. So, I'm able to stand in love and hold a boundary around conversation regarding my sex life with my mom. It is because I love her that I'm communicating this boundary.

Coming out as polyamorous is a deeply personal journey that requires careful thought, preparation, and ongoing dialogue. By approaching the process with honesty, empathy, and a clear understanding of your values, you can create a supportive environment for yourself and your loved ones. Remember that love in all its forms is a beautiful aspect of the human experience and embracing your identity is a courageous step towards living authentically. As you move forward, take pride in your journey and the diverse relationships that enrich your life. Celebrate the love that you have for yourself and others and be confident in your right to love freely and openly. Your story matters and by sharing it, you contribute to a broader understanding and acceptance of polyamory in society.

Reflection exercise. To wrap up this chapter, I encourage you to take a moment for self-reflection. Below are some questions to consider.

What does being polyamorous mean to you? Who are the individuals in your life that you feel would be supportive of your polyamorous identity? What boundaries do you want to establish as you navigate conversations about your relationships? And how can you cultivate a supportive network of friends and community members? Take your time with these questions and remember that your your journey is unique to you. Embrace it with love, courage, and authenticity.