Transcription
[Music] let's go out to Kyle in Jamestown North Dakota what's up brother Kyle hey how you doing Dr John it's uh pretty surreal being able to talk to you it's surreal talking to you man good good to hear from you what's up man yeah so I am uh navigating something that my fiance has brought up and I'm trying to uh kind of figure out and kind of wrap my thoughts around it so uh just for some context my uh fiance and I have been together for uh five years at this point we're getting married in September and she has brought up the idea of excuse me uh has brought up the idea of us uh sleeping in separate beds going forward yes yes huge fan oh really okay only because I got a whole bunch of reason but go ahead go you sound like you're you're not a huge fan I'm I'm more so just trying to get my wrap my head around it so I know from uh so I know from Emily's side of it it's purely just based on you know how she sleeps and how I sleep you know we've uh slept in the same bed for a couple of years now and you know we occasionally have like the couple things of you know hogging blankets and you know uh quit touching me with your feet and you know stuff like that and I also know that uh my fiance sleeps better in certain conditions like she likes to sleep with her head elevated otherwise she can get bad acid reflux and have a bad night of sleep versus I prefer to you know just lay flat um I know that again that this is purely just based on you know getting a good night's sleep and I know uh you know it doesn't have anything necessarily to do with anything relationally but there's a part of me in the back of my head that's thinking that I'm going to be you know losing some uh intimacy with her um you know kind of having those like you know little moments at the end of the night where we're uh catching up in bed and you know a lot of the times you know intimacy is you know started in those small moments where we're just laying in bed together and just trying to kind of wrap my head around it and just uh you know I don't know if I was overthinking this or you know how I should approach this um so I I I said I'm a huge fan of it um I ran across a study several years ago that couples who sleep apart actually get better sleep okay and I didn't buy it so I tried it dude it was amazing man was so amazing um and uh and it's something we've had to nav my wife and I have had to navigate because it works the opposite for her and it's it's it's it's funny she'll say I need a really good night's sleep and I what that means to me is you got to be in here okay and when I say I need a really like black hole night of sleep usually that means I need to be by myself because I I'm a real light sleeper and so for us it's been just navigating um trying to get into a rhythm now I got this new eight sleep device which has been magic a lot of my challenges is I get real hot and so I like things subarctic and my wife likes to sleep um in lava and so like it's been tough navigating the our like her side of the bed has stacks of blankets and mine has like a sheet of notebook paper on it right and so having this eight sleep she's alive she can she can warm her side and I can cool my side but but again it's been a negotiation the question I have for you is beneath that this sounds like you've got a fear that if you're not um put I'm gonna say this and it's kind of inflammatory but I don't mean it that way I'm smiling right now so just know I'm playing but like okay that y'all if you're not put in the same cage every night there's going to be no sex and if you're not put in the same cage every night or the same box every night then you're going to miss out on things that's what I want to like get a take a pulse on what's your fear there sure and I think there's part of me that you know you know I think that's definitely part of it um I think personally for myself the bigger part of that so if we were looking at uh the five love languages you know I'm definitely someone that say I really appreciate physical touch you know long hugs and just being in the same room as as my fiance and just enjoying her company and right now I'm in a a position at work where you know we're uh saving up for the upcoming wedding and then we also have other expenses coming up where you know I'm essentially up and out the door at 7:30 and coming back at 900 p.m there we this is it this is it this is it this exactly what I was hoping you would go to okay exactly the bed that 30 minutes or that hour or that sleep time has become your only source of oxygen when it comes to communication and connection it's the only place you tune in and talk to each other it's the only place you have a chance for what I call accidental intimacy where you brush her leg or she touches your arm and that leads to a thing which leads to a thing right yep and that means we're not being intentional in other areas of our life okay and sometimes putting all the pressure on this one geographical location and this one moment this one instance puts a ton of pressure when somebody's just saying dude I can't sleep right or this happens especially in houses where people people have sleep apne or they snore and I've talked to spouses who just are in misery but they think they're somehow their marriage is worth less or they're not intimate or they're not a good spouse or a good partner because they want to sleep somewhere else anywhere except where there's guys this guy or this woman has a lawn mower going in the bed right right with snoring and that's and that was kind of the big thing of it too is that you know we're just going to be starting the rest of our lives with each other and you know we're starting off at this point and I was kind of wrapping my head around it being like you had mentioned that that safe space and you know what is what does it say about you know our marriage if you know my uh you know siblings or anybody else you know learns that hey we're sleeping in separate beds and part who gives a big box of farts with with a pony on a stick brother I could care less what my brother and sister and my in-laws think about my sleeping Arrangements right I mean they don't get a vote on that that what it's going to be what works for me and my wife it's going to got to be what works for you and your wife if and I'll tell you it's a huge red flag for me if you're walking into your marriage already with your head on a swivel asking yourself what are other people going to think about the arrangement we've made already you got a problem because you've got other voices speaking into what y'all two need already you have a problem if the only intimacy happens when you have a captive audience I mean when you've got a trapped audience and so I think a bigger question for me is backing out is when do we just sit down and enjoy each other do we do we put intimacy on the calendar is that going to be part we get married we going to are we going to have a planning meeting every week where we put sex on the calendar or is it just off limits or and this is a scary question for someone who's been with someone they love for five years and they're engaged and they got a a wedding on the calendar is is this the latest in a series of oh this is just the way this is going to be and that to me is a much scarier question to ask what do you think um you know thinking it over and really just you know evaluating my relationship with Emily in those off times where we're you know not uh in the same bed with each other I mean we enjoy you know each other's coming and we you know go on regular date nights and we you know I you know obviously think that we have a really great relationship in every other regard it was just the you know one of the things where something that I was looking forward to towards the end of the night uh you know being again just continuing to spend that time with each other is all of a sudden just a sudden shift I guess right I get that and I think um man this is a terrible word to use but it's the only one coming to mind I think that's something that might be negotiated down the road as as we move into this like some nights I need you no let's let's stay away from that language some nights I really want to be with you if you get into the need language then it turns very maternal very quick and then it gets it just it it messes up the the dynamic but I really want to be with you cool that that's going to be our Baseline maybe the default is of course we're going to sleep in the same bed and maybe once or twice or a couple nights a week she's going to look at you and say hey I really want a good night's sleep and you're going to say cool we've got a guest room that's awesome and I don't think that NE that I I I see nothing that suggests that means your relationship is inherently bad or it's it's somehow less than or somehow dysfunctional okay and you know not to you know bring up anyone else's you know problems or anything like that because like I mentioned before like I really don't see any issues with our I mean every couple has you know something you know whether it's arguments about this and that or you know something like that but I think mine's perfect oh here's the perfect not even close cuz my wife married a okay go ahead so maybe part of that so I uh grew up around parents that did not have a good relationship and I've you know been around a lot of family members that have not had um good relationships and one of the commonalities between the two was the uh you know the Coupes sleeping in separate beds and I know that you know there's multiple reasons for you know couples doing that I just wanted to I guess re-evaluate everything because you know looking from the inside you know I think that everything is you know great coming into it but then I have like in the back of my head like oh okay think about you know this couple and how they're doing and I guess it's just been kind of messing with me a little bit man I I think you're I think your inclination is right I think your body sees a couple sleeping in a separate room and instantly puts an alarm and sounds an alarm that they're not okay and if you haven't sat down and explain that to your fiance I I think that's worth putting on the table hey I have a visceral reaction because this couple was awful and I don't want to live that life and this couple over here they were brutal to each other they didn't make it and one of the things they shared in common was that they slept in separate rooms so if sleeping in separate rooms on occasion is a going to be a part of our future what do we have to do to make sure we are on Rock Solid ground everywhere else and now you're getting into very intimate conversations very detailed very um that this is you and and and her co-creating what your life is going to look like not just running a script on it and maybe when you sit down and have this conversation she says I feel like I can't sleep because I have this vampire on me who needs my energy in order to function maybe that's it or maybe it's as benign as no I just am like that dude on uh not she's got male on sleepist in Seattle and he just like always he got snot coming out of his nose he has to sleep all weird and he just makes weird noises and like you know what I mean maybe it's just that maybe it's just simple as as that something in my guts tells me it's deeper than that Kyle am I overthinking it am I overreaching here cuz it feels like there's something else I mean not that I can really think of like and you know maybe that's something where you know if the that conversation does lead down to you know you know something that I'm unfamiliar with you know that's worth exploring but at least from my perspective you know I don't see anything in that regard okay um here's something else I want you to be honest about this might be a deal breaker for you okay and I don't want you to cash that out because equally the way that sleeping by myself sometimes is lifegiving to me um I would find myself very separate from my wife we would have two different lives if we made it a life if we lived like this all the time which I would not recommend and so um and and also equally another couple might be listening to this and say I I I won't live like that I want to have the person I'm married to in my bed with me period end of story and so I think everybody has to answer that question for what's going to make them their bodies go I'm home and if if if it's just man I can't do it I can't look at I can't look into the future 25 years and see that five nights out of seven we're sleeping in different rooms that doesn't feel like marriage to me that feels like roommates to me I'm not I don't want to be a part of that I think you got to put that on the table and then hopefully y'all can figure out okay what is it about act actually sleeping together in this same bed that is the problem let's try to drill in do you need a CPAP do you need one of those Temperpedic beds that you know one's up one's down like what do we need and let's figure that outes that sound fair yeah absolutely that sounds fair okay I I think the it's easy in these kind of situations and I'm glad you're asking this question because it's easy when we have when we when we kind of feel like we're button heads it's easy to feel like we're button heads over a thing over the mechanics of a thing occasionally that's true but often there's something deeper here often there's something going on underneath I've watched couples fall apart and this was the common denominator for them or as a kid this is what it looked like the common denominator was hey I only feel safe when you're in the bed with me hey I know you don't sleep what do we need to do we need to get a king-size bed do we need to get a new bed frame that doesn't squeak so much do we need to what what do we need to do because I need this to be part of our life or I just need a few nights a week by myself and I think it's the constant coming back to the table and saying here's what I want here's what I need constantly coming back to the table back to the table back to the table and then being willing to open our hands and say Here's what I'm willing to budge on and here's what I'm not willing to budge on and then if there are some things that we are not willing to budge on exhaling deeply and being adults and asking ourselves a scary hard question well what do we do now but I think there's a deeper conversation here Kyle that I'd love you you and your fiance to explore what does intimacy look like outside of this room what does laughter and connection look like inside this room outside this room where do we make time for each other to just be and why is Sharon a bed so important or why is you getting out so important let's put those things on the table and chances are the actual sleeping Arrangements will solve themselves