Transcription
So, how will you feel when you're on the other side of this healing journey? When you have been through a breakup with a toxic person, an avoidant person, a narcissist, um, whatever the relationship dynamic is, and when you've done the work to become more secure? What is it like? And I want to give you the motivation to do this, guys, because it really isn't easy.
Hi, I'm Amy and welcome back to my channel. Welcome if you're new here. I'm a certified attachment style coach and I help anxious attachers break the cycle of avoidant and emotionally unavailable partners so that you can really thrive in your independence and prevent future heartbreak.
So, as you guys who have followed me for a while will know, I was in quite a long-term relationship with a dismissive avoidant partner that was really on and off. I've got tons of videos on my channel uh with what went down in that relationship and I won't go over it again because I'm sure most of you have probably heard. So, what happened after the breakup? I've recently did a video on the relationship postmortem as it were. But before I start here, I just want to let you know that I have a six-week self-study course uh which is the blueprint of how I healed my anxious attachment style into secure and that's available on my website. So you can go and check that out. The link is in my bio.
So what happened after we broke up? Um what did I do after we broke up? And to be honest, guys, when I think about that time in hindsight, part of me doesn't really know how I got to where I am because the breakup was just so devastating to me. I'd really, really hoped and wanted and wished that this relationship would work out, but it just wasn't. And I had to first accept that. I had to accept that this relationship just wasn't working. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many ideas I had to fix it, nothing was working.
So, if you're in this position right now and you're going through a breakup, so you are dealing with the feelings of abandonment probably if you are anxiously attached. So, you're dealing with those feelings of abandonment and rejection when the relationship ends. But also then you're kind of thinking about your attachment style and healing it; it feels so overwhelming that you just lose motivation because it feels too much.
Now I'm here to tell you that these two things go hand in hand. And if you can work on your attachment style at the same time, it's actually going to ease a lot of the breakup pain. And the reason for this is because when you are working on your anxious attachment style and you are moving the needle towards secure every day, number one, you're going to start prioritizing yourself over the over your ex, over the breakup. You're going to start to really put yourself first. You're going to start thinking about what your own needs are, what you need in the moment. And you're going to be really adjusting to not managing somebody else's feelings or not meeting somebody else's needs so that they stick around.
When you can, even when you feel grief, when you feel overwhelm, when you feel rejection, abandonment, if you can start in those moments to choose yourself, and what that might look like is, yes, I feel abandoned right now. This is where I feel it in my body. This is what my mind is telling me about the abandonment and I'm going to stay here with me whilst this feeling is here.
So a lot of anxious attachers have a hard time doing this because we are so used to soothing through other people, especially when it's a really deep emotion. Now guys, there is no shame whatsoever about going into therapy or talking to a trusted friend about it. Talk to anybody about how you feel. Just do not text your ex. Don't go back into that pattern of leaning on them because if it is that it was a toxic or avoidant ex, number one, it's not going to give you the result that you want. They're not going to finally turn around and start to see you and start to understand you. So, the likelihood is that on top of that abandonment wound, you're just going to get more rejection.
So speak to somebody that you trust. Get a coach. Get a therapist. Speak to your friends. Speak to your mom. Whoever it is. Just don't make it your ex.
When you can actually start to choose you in your darkest moments, a transformation starts to happen because you are telling your subconscious mind that you are the priority, that you are important, that your feelings matter. Because when it is that you can start to listen to yourself, and as you know, I'm a massive advocate of journaling. When you can start to see, hear, and understand yourself, which are three top big needs that the anxious attacher has got, it's going to make the pull towards the ex much, much less. It's you're not going to be seeing them as as your source of love and attention anymore because you are doing that for yourself, even when you don't feel very good.
It's not a case of I need to feel okay quickly otherwise I'm not secure because secure people also feel upset about breaking up with somebody. They are not, you know, winging through breakups. That's not what they're doing. The only difference between you and a secure person when you're dealing in this breakup is that they are not telling themselves stories about themselves that are disempowering. They are not attaching their worthiness to somebody else's actions. Whereas anxious attaches, we we attach our self-worth to the relationship. So we attach our self-worth to how this other person treats us. And if you've been with a toxic or an avoidant person, the chances are, you know, you were probably weren't treated so well. You probably didn't have your needs met. You probably weren't listened to.
So, of course, you have these stories running that my feelings don't matter, that this person doesn't care. Maybe what I've got to say just isn't just isn't interesting enough. We need to start to break away those patterns by listening to ourselves. Whether that's in meditation, whether it's journaling, whether it's talking it out with a therapist, do whatever it takes, start to pay attention to yourself, you guys.
Because when you can pay attention to yourself and you can show yourself that your feelings matter, the next relationship you're going to go in, if somebody dismisses you or makes you feel like your feelings aren't important, it's going to be ding ding ding ding ding, alarm bells, red flag. You're going to notice it a lot more because you treat yourself with respect. You treat yourself like you feel like your feelings matter. You perhaps didn't in this relationship. And of course you didn't because you were with somebody who was constantly reaffirming that they weren't that they didn't matter, that you were wasting their time or that you were too much or it was just really inconvenient.
So when you can start to give yourself what you are looking for in that other person, and you can do this at the same time you guys. You don't have to wait. You don't have to feel okay in order to start healing your attachment style. In fact, it's better to do it from the get-go. It is going to reduce the amount of time that it takes you to actually process through and get over this breakup. And as a bonus, by the end of it, you guys, and it doesn't have to take that long, it really doesn't have to take that long. By the end of this process, number one, you're going to not care about your ex again. They're going to be insignificant to you. And number two, you are going to be more secure. You are going to have shifted the needle that much that you feel internally more secure. You feel safe in your own body. You feel safe on your own. You feel safe going back into the dating world and opening yourself up again because you've processed through the breakup and you've processed through where the anxious attachment style comes from.
So, I hope you found that video helpful. If you did, drop a comment below. I do always love to read your stories and respond to them. If you like this content, please consider subscribing to this channel. But I'm Amy and it's an absolute pleasure to help you improve your self-worth, and I will see you next time.