Transcription
A few weeks ago, I was walking to the local shop around 10 minutes away from my house. But halfway there, I had to walk past a psychiatric hospital with two women sat out the front, probably in their mid-40s, both smoking a cigarette, clearly on their lunch break.
But within the 30 seconds it took me to walk past these two women, one of the women turned to the other while exhaling her cigarette and in a very matter-of-fact way said, "You know what? You really pissed me off the other night." To which the other woman, who also exhaled her cigarette, and in a surprised but non-reactive way responded with, "Oh yeah, how come?" And the first woman said, "Well, because when I called you out, you kicked off."
So although every fiber of my being wanted to stand there and listen to the conclusion of this poetry, my brain told me that would be a bit weird. So I carried on walking to the shop. But I couldn't stop thinking about this conversation for the rest of the day because it reminded me of something I learned from non-violent communication, which is that you can't make anyone feel anything. Here's why.
How people feel is a direct result of their needs, expectations, and values, all of which you have no control over. You see, your actions can be the stimulus for someone feeling a certain way. In other words, your actions can be the thing that awakens this person to their needs, expectations, and values. But your actions are never the "why" that is causing this person to feel a certain way.
Here's a quick example that explains this further. I can do the same thing to two different people, but I will get two completely different responses. Why? Well, as you already know, it's because the people's needs, expectations, and values differ. For example, let's say I have two friends, James and David. Now, James, on the one hand, has the needs of laid-back relationships and autonomy in a friendship, whereas David has the needs of punctuality and frequent phone calls. Now, if I schedule a call with either friend individually, but then cancel, James is likely going to feel relieved or he just won't care because he has the needs of laid-back relationships and autonomy, whereas David is likely going to feel angered and disappointed because of his needs. So, my action stayed the same, but the response I got in both people was different. Why? Because of these things.
But why is it important that you know this? If you're in a relationship, be it friendship, professional, romantic, or familial, and the other person continues to say things along the lines of, "You make me feel X, Y, and Z," you are setting yourself up to become an emotional slave. Meaning, you will tailor everything that you say and do in order to please this other person because you will be convinced that you are responsible for how they feel. So, that for a laugh.
So, what's the alternative to emotional slavery? Well, you need to learn how to become responsible *to* other people instead of responsible *for* them. Being responsible for someone sounds like this, right? "No. Well, what's wrong? You just make me so angry." "Well, look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you feel that way." "Well, you did." "Okay. Look, I'm sorry. I'll I'll do my best to not make you feel that way in the future."
Being responsible to someone, however, sounds like this. "All right. No. What's wrong?" "You just make me so angry." "Look, I I want to help you stop feeling angry, but in order to do so, I need to find out why you feel angry in the first place." "Well, it's because you make me feel angry. That's why." "Okay. So, can you tell me exactly what I did that made you feel angry?" "You know what? No, I don't. And I don't want to guess. So, please tell me." "Well, just you being an..." "That's what." "Look, I'm I'm afraid that's not helpful and it's not going to help you help me help you to stop feeling angry. So, what did I do that made you feel angry when you slammed the door after our argument?" "Okay, thank you for telling me. Now, can you tell me why that made you feel angry?" "Like, and if it helps, and I know this is weird because it's like a communication technique or whatever, but it might help if you say something along the lines of, 'When you slam the door, I felt whatever emotion you felt because I need...' 'When you slam the door, I felt angry because you did it.'" "End of." "Again, that's not helpful, but I appreciate that you're angry. So, I just need to know what need of yours wasn't fulfilled by me slamming that door." "Safety." "So, you felt unsafe?" "Yeah, I felt I just felt scared." "So, you didn't feel angry, you felt scared." "Yeah, you uh you scared me." "Well, thank you for telling me that. That's helpful. Now, do you want to try and finish that sentence? 'The when you I felt because I need...'" "'When you slam the door, I felt scared because I have the need for safety in my relationships.'" "Okay. In now in order for that to be helpful for me to help you, you know, meet that need. What would you like to request of me to do or not do next time?" "Well, when you slam the door, I felt scared because I have the need for safety in my relationship. So, you know what? Next time I would just like, next time I would like you to tell me when you're getting heated during an argument so we can stop before it goes any further." "Thank you, mate. Lovely couple. All the best."
Essentially, you become responsible to other people when you do two things. First of all, you understand the other person's need. And second of all, you commit to helping them meet it. Because, just to use the quick example of the back and forth we just saw, if the boyfriend wanted to just stop being responsible for his girlfriend's emotions, he could have just said, "Well, do you know what? I'm not responsible for how you feel. I'm gonna do what I want." But that's not a good idea if he wants to continue to be in a relationship with her. Because if he continues to be in a relationship with her with that mindset, their relationship is going to be fraught with misunderstanding, incompatibility, and conflict because neither of them are committing to understanding and then meeting each other's needs.
Which highlights an interesting point about relationships. The main way relationships of any sort flourish is in this collaboration here. "I'm going to understand your need because I want to continue to be in a relationship with you. And in order for me to do so and to make it beneficial for both of us, I'm then going to go one step further and commit to helping you meet this need. And it would be great if you do the same for me." That's how it might sound.
So, in a nutshell, you stop being responsible for other people's emotions when you understand that your actions aren't the "why" that is causing them. And you become responsible to other people's emotions when you first of all understand what need is underlying their emotions, and then you commit to helping them meet that need.
But before we finalize this video, there is a caveat that I want to quickly mention here. Now, the caveat is most of the people you interact with and get into relationships with won't know anything about non-violent communication. So, they're going to continue to say, "You make me feel X, Y, and Z." So when they do, and with the least amount of judgment as possible, your social task from now until the rest of your life is to simply become a non-violent communication translator. Which means when they say, "You make me feel," you don't trust it. And instead, you hear it through the sentence of, "When you action, I feel emotion because I need." But of course, you can't assume what the person's answers are to this sentence, or the gaps that the person needs to fill in for this sentence. So you encourage them to complete it with you. "Listen, I understand there's needs of yours that aren't being met right now. It will be helpful for me to understand what these needs are if you complete this sentence: 'When you action, I feel emotion because I need.'" And you do so with the understanding that once you understand the other person's need that isn't being fulfilled, you commit to fulfilling that need if it's reasonable for you and if you want to continue to be in a relationship with them. Why would you do that? So the relationship can flourish. You also do this with as much compassion in your heart as possible because none of us were taught any of this in school, were we?
Quick personal anecdote here. I remember I was in conflict with one of my cousins because I was giving him feedback based on a piece of work that he did, and we had this 2-hour long phone call where we were just at loggerheads. We couldn't agree and we had reached this conflict and this stalemate. But then 2 hours in, I simply asked him to complete this sentence, and boom, a light bulb switched. He just needed appreciation, which I wasn't giving him in the form that I was delivering my feedback. Problem was solved, and we started laughing because we realized this 2-hour phone call could have been solved in 5 minutes just by completing this sentence early on.
So, feel free to end this video right now because you've understood the main points. But if you want to go two steps further, follow me. Now, let's quickly finalize with the three stages of relationships that Marshall B. Rosenberg highlights we go through. The first stage, as we've covered, is emotional slavery. This is where you tailor everything that you do in order to please other people because you feel emotional for how they feel. The second stage is slightly better than this, but still not where we want to end up, which is the obnoxious stage. This is when, maybe through learning about non-violent communication for the first time, you start to grow angry and resentful all the time and energy and emotions that you wasted trying to make other people happy. In this point, the obnoxious stage, you've learned how to stop being responsible for other people's emotions, but you haven't learned how to be responsible to other people's emotions in a way that isn't emotionally enslaving. You might start to assert your needs and boundaries, but you likely do so in a way that is at the expense of the other person. But the final stage is the healthy stage. And this is where you commit to understanding and meeting the needs of yourself and the other person in the relationship with compassion and understanding, instead of guilt, fear, and shame. You've learned how to become responsible to other people in a way which doesn't diminish yourself.
Now, let's finalize with the key characteristics of non-responsibility-taking speech so that you can understand when someone's not taking responsibility for their emotions. The three characteristics of non-responsibility-taking speech are so you can notice them in your language and other people's. First of all, the use of impersonal pronouns such as "it" or "that." "It really bugs me when you do that." Or, "It really bugs me that spelling mistakes appear in my videos." The second way is "I feel because" followed by a personal pronoun or person. For example, "I feel disappointed because you didn't text me." No responsibility taken. "I feel annoyed because Himea laughed." The third characteristic is statements that mention only the action of others. For example, "When you don't call me, I feel hurt." "I feel disappointed when you don't do your homework."
So, just to quickly change three of these examples so you can see what that might look like: "It really bugs me that spelling mistakes appear in my videos" would then become, "It really bugs me that spelling mistakes appear in my videos because I have the need to project a professional image." Just follow it up with the need, and that will help you take responsibility. "I feel annoyed because Himea laughed." "I feel annoyed or I felt annoyed when Himea laughed because I have the need to be taken seriously." Suddenly, it's not Himea's fault that you feel the way that you feel. Finally, "My belly is rumbled. I feel disappointed when you don't do your homework" would become, "I feel disappointed when you don't do your homework because I have the need to see you flourish academically."
That is the end of the video. Thank you very much for your time and attention. As a little bonus, the pinned comment of this video will include nine to 10 sentences. And I would like you, if you have time, feel free to look through those sentences and figure out whether the person saying it is taking responsibility in their speech or not. The answers will be included below the sentences. Just a little exercise for you to do. Only takes about 5 minutes. Thank you very much for your time and attention. Stay disciplined, playful, and dangerous. Adios, muchachos.