Transcription
We get to the gig and it's packed. And they go, "Now listen, there's kids here, and there's students, and alum, and the dean, and all those people here." So that's the worst. "Yeah, clean. I get it. No worries."
Norm goes up. I'm not even exaggerating. The first thing he says, he goes out against and [ __ ] [ __ ] at me. First person even curse. All right. I went, "Oh [ __ ]. He cursed." He goes, "So if you're gay, would you rather be the ass guy or the dick guy?" [Laughter] Spade makes me laugh. McDonald makes me laugh. I know everybody. You know, Norm makes me laugh. Dude, hold on. I'll do that thing about Norm.
So he did this thing one time. He gets up, he goes from one room into another room, right? He stops at the doorway and he's like, "What is this? What is like a, what is this?" He's like banging on the door, like just the doorway, like, "What is like a portal to like another, what is this?" And his ass, he's literally asking the people in the room, right, "What do, what, what do you call this thing? It's like a, like a portal to whatever. How do you just go through? Where am I?" And he was just talking about a doorway. But it was so, he makes anything funny.
Yeah, I remember it was me, him. He came, it was, I think he was doing a show with Spade in Irvine. And, uh, I went to go watch. And he came at it. We went, we went like by the dumpster afterwards. And it was me, him. I wonder what you're talking about. Outside. Yeah, that little outside area where you park. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And I don't know if it was, there was one other person there. I remember was there. Soon as, uh, he said, "Very, are you stoned?" "I would not, man." I stopped because, "What, Jesus Christ, [ __ ] guy from here, babe? You can't [ __ ] stop getting, I [ __ ] you dying." He was so angry. Till I didn't want to get high. He was so pissed. He was genuinely pissed. The [ __ ] is that? Who's the [ __ ] brewing [ __ ]? Hey, Jesus Christ. The [ __ ]. His word. Are you sure you again? Jesus cried through what the [ __ ]? He was so, "You judge me now?" And no, no. I just, I stopped for a while, man. That's all. I joked at all. I did everything. I smoked as much as I beat the [ __ ] out of marijuana. Yeah, it's hard. I think you won one hit. I was crushing it. I'm meeting up, meeting Vaughn years before, talking about punching elephants in the nuts. Been there, done that. I did it. Yeah.
Dude, he, uh, one time I had to open up for him. And this is at a casino. We're doing like a casino gig in Shawnee, Oklahoma. And Cherokee Creek Casino, I think. And it could have, I don't know, this cool lady that I think maybe tried to make love to somebody, but she also helped us get the gig. And, um, Norm was [ __ ] up. I think that when he went on, he went on after me. Like, I don't think he, I don't even think for the first seven minutes, I don't even think he said anything, right? But the crazy part was the next day, um, we were at, there was like a, we had to play cards too. The next day, you'd like be there for the weekend, you know? So we'd go to the card tables. And Norm's like, "A lot of a lot of good [ __ ] in here." And I don't know him really well. So I'm thinking, I'm looking around this room, bro. There is zero attractive women. Right? There's zero attractive men. Okay? So it's not even if you wanted something. Scene. There's nothing. Yeah. It's a casino. And it's a, it's a gambling game. It's poker. Yeah. Five card poker, you know? So. And I'm just thinking, well, I guess I just agree with him, you know? He's getting older. And, you know, maybe he has a different perception of what's attractive. I'm like, "Yeah, man, there's sure." "Easy goes [ __ ]." "No, there isn't." Like he had played me, you know? Like he's like, "This is the ugliest batch of people I've ever seen."
I was just talking about him the other day. Now, I was there for one of the greatest Norm moments in comedy history. I think he, he was kinked. He was kicked out of Nebraska. That sounds realistic. Um, and I, you can maybe look it up later. Versus Norm McDonald was kicked out of state by the governor. And he went on, he went on Letterman to talk about it. Uh, and I want to say it was like 1996 because I just finished my first year at SNL. It was '95. So it was the summer of '96. And I remember going on tour. There you go. You saw it go down. Yeah. Kicked out of Iowa. That's me talking about it. Okay. Uh, but anyway.
Should we look on a video? Or should we? No, no. Don't look at that. I want to see the real. There has to be a headline. How Norm McDonald got kicked out of Iowa. Yes. Okay. Gazette. There you go. Okay. All right. So many were disgusted, some were delighted. So he's supposed. Now you understand something. Okay. He, his first time me touring with a star. Okay. We go to the airport. And people like, "Oh my god, you're Norm McDonald. Wow." This is everywhere we went. "Oh my god, you're Norm McDonald." We show up at the university. He's like, "Yeah, I gotta go golfing with the [ __ ] governor. They made me a [ __ ] golf [ __ ] governor." Yeah. Yeah. What did that game? Were, yeah, right. So I'm like, he's, he's with a governor. This is huge. Who gets to say that? So I'm, I'm, it's me, Darrell Hammond, and him. And you, you all both, you guys went. We're all, we're on the gig. Okay. Okay. We're going out. He's telling us. Yes. And so, uh, we get to the gig and it's packed. And they go, "Now listen, there's kids here, and they're students, and alum, and the dean, and all these people here." So that's the worst. They're like, "Yeah, clean. I get it. No worries." I go, "We're in Sunny Lagos. That's why we got you guys because you're used to live TV." Pull up. So Darrell goes up first, does his 20 minutes, does impressions, does his comedy, hilarious. Um, I go up, do my 20, feel great, crush it. Norm goes up. I'm not even exaggerating. The first thing he says, he goes out, he goes, "Look, it's like I'm preparing." I'm like, "This is gonna launch my crew. Are you kidding me? This is gonna be huge. I'm gonna be off." He goes, "Ah, [ __ ]. Where the [ __ ] at me?" The first person even curse. All right. I went, "Oh [ __ ]. He cursed." He goes, "So if you're gay, would you rather be the ass guy or the dick guy?" This is what he starts off with. So I go, I go, "Daryl, you got to come see this." And he's going, and he won't stop. He's there because if you're depressed, then people are grabbing their kids, running up the aisle. They're, I mean, I never saw a place clear out looking like a fire alarm was going off. But the college students were staying and they were howling with laughter. And he, one thing. And then in the middle, after about 15 minutes, he goes, "Jesus Christ, do you mean [ __ ] airplane jokes?" He went, "[ __ ] 7-11 Joe said, Jesus Christ, [ __ ] out of here." So the next day in the paper, USA Today or the Gazette, like, "Norm McDonald's out. Wow. Governor wants him out of this state. Get out of my state." But to witness that was, I, I have so many more moments in my life. My first press conference with Norm was, they prepped us into like, you know, is he gonna speak? And it's just some, it's live BBC. And he's a bigger star than you. So you have to sit there and kind of pay. You have to be. It was him and Spade right next to him. You have to be second fiddle at the moment. Or were we? Yeah, man. I just got, I'm, I'm the new kid on the block. We're all a new cast. It's all new cast except for Spade, Tim Meadows, and Norm McDonald. Wow. And we're like, "Whoa." And even looking at Norm and Spade, I was like, "Oh, these guys are stars. Like, this is huge." Yeah. I'm really looking up to them. And, uh, the press conference goes. And I dropped the ball right out of the bat. Right out of the bat. Um, they asked me, the Lor, the head of NBC, who fought for me to be there, goes, "Jim, what was it like growing up watching SNL and now you're here? You're from New York, and now a fellow New Yorker." I said, "I didn't watch SNL growing up." Well, you can hear. I was like, "Oh." I saw. I went, "Oh, that was." Spade went. He said, "I knew right away. Like, oh man, that was really bad. That was a bad." And so he goes, I go, "Well, I, I, I wasn't allowed to because I was young." And he goes, "What about when you were?" Oh, he's trying to prep me. He goes, "Surely when you got older and, and you were allowed to watch it?" And I went, "I was out on Saturday, so I wasn't watching TV." And, and, and Norm's like, "They're gonna like you. You're gonna like you." Yeah. This guy is my guy. And he's smoking. He's smoking. And Marcy Klein was just going, "No, put out the singer." I think, "I'm not done. This guy's gonna get fired." So I think I'm gonna get fired because I saw Lauren Michael's face. He was pissed. So are you sitting there super nervous at this point? Do I swear in my life? From my kid's lives? I thought I was gonna get fired because I just basically said, "I don't watch Saturday Live." Yeah. And I never did. And, yeah, which is not, not a good answer. The message in front of the press. And I didn't say it in a mean manner, but I could just tell the boss man was like, uh, so, oh, Jesus Lord. So now I'm sitting there thinking I'm gonna get fired. Swear to God. And I'm just like, "Oh my God, I don't even get. I don't even make it the first episode. I'm going to let me go." This is what's going on in my head. There has to be a video. This press conference in the black market somewhere. I, I've looked for it. Never found it. It's the 1995 press conference. CA. And, and so they asked Norm. They go, "Norm, you, Tim Meadows, David Spade, you've been here. You, you know the frat house. Everyone knows SNL is a frat house. What kind of, what kind of practical jokes you got lined up for these new cast members?" And I swear to you, I went, "I'm not even going to be part of the, the frat house or the practical jokes." And Norm goes, he first, always annoyed. He goes, "Practical jokes? Is that what you asked? What kind of practical jokes?" Uh, "First, we were thinking about anal rape." You know, like, "Hey, hey. Yeah. Take your pain. We're gonna Italy rape you. Welcome to Saturday Live." We're going, "Oh [ __ ]. He's gonna get fired too. You can't say, you know, rape." You're from the president. He said, "Anal rape." Just suddenly you're like, "I'm back in there. I'm in it. I'm good. I'm good." And I went up to him after. I went, "No, he's like, Dana again, you know, he has a [ __ ] bro, you know, he's [ __ ] these guys." And I realized he would pitch at the pitch meeting. He just didn't care. He didn't care. And I learned so much from him. Just clearly, he saw a lot. And he's been there forever. Like he would, I remember he gave, he got, he gathered the new cast up. He's a geek sporting guys. Yeah. Don't write me any of your gay sketches. [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] Right now. And I do a sketch. It's getting on. But don't put me in your gay little sketches. [Laughter] I swear to God, man.
I also traumatized him. We were, we would play football in the hallway because he was very competitive. He's always betting. And it was a very tiny hallway, maybe as wide as this, maybe. And he's like, "Come on, baby. Thank you. We're playing three in the morning." Oh, [ __ ]. Come on, Ben. [ __ ]. Playing football. Meet you. Colin Quinn. [ __ ]. Justin. Justin, you [ __ ] [ __ ]. The phone calls. No one's calling three in the morning. Get getting a [ __ ] ball. Let's go. So he would cheat. Would piss me off because I'm competitive. And I'll never forget. He keeps cheating and cheating. And now I'm pissed. How's he cheating? It's like a hallway. It's like a hospital hallway. But he [ __ ] cheat. He's a cheater. Yeah. Right. So, oh yeah. He has a cheater. I had boots on. So I had, I had work boots on. Yeah. Yeah. Because, yeah, you use those to write in. Yeah. So is he running [ __ ] work boots on? Stone. Oh, the ink's heavy. Yeah. Yeah. So now he, he, he cheats. I caught the ball. And then he, he grabbed it and pulled it from me. He's like, "Hey, fumbled." And he starts running the other way. I'll never forget. I [ __ ] kicked him as he's running in his, in his calf. On. Wow. And he goes, "Jesus Christ, bro. Why did you [ __ ] kick me in my [ __ ] calf?" I said, "You're just cheating." Say you [ __ ] kick me. Ah, Jesus Christ. And all he did, all week, he like, "[ __ ] really [ __ ] kicked me in my calf because I took the [ __ ] ball." Jesus Christ. Brewer and Spade just in the distance like, "Yeah." So those in a moment. I absolutely. I, I loved more that stuff. You know, all of it was worth it. All of it was worth it. One needy. But it was all worth it. Hope you enjoyed that video. And you can watch another. And you can watch this one. You can watch this one. Different options. Different choices. Some guy just brings you one option. Not this guy. Two options. Watch one. This one or this one.