Transcription
Your avoidant man has been secretly testing you since the moment that you met. These aren't obvious tests like teasing you to see if you get mad or seeing how you react to other women giving him attention. No, these are far more subtle psychological tests that are designed to confirm his deepest fears that you'll eventually hurt him, control him, or reject him just like everyone else has. And if you don't know what he's doing, you could be missing the most important tests of all.
Now, I know how confusing your relationship feels sometimes. One day, he's warm and connected. The next he's distant and cold, and you're walking on eggshells, trying not to say the wrong thing, wondering if you did something to upset him. You start questioning yourself, your worth, even your sanity. The truth is, his hot and cold behavior isn't random. It's his nervous system running these tests to see if you're safe or if you're going to become another person who proves that love equals danger.
I'm Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist, and I've worked with thousands of couples where avoidant attachment style was destroying their connection. And I've seen how these unconscious tests can drive even the most patient partners to their breaking point. More importantly, I've helped women understand what's really happening so that they can respond in ways that actually build trust instead of confirming his fears.
In this video, I'm going to reveal the seven most common ways that avoidant men will test you, what each test really means about his attachment wounds, and exactly how to respond to each one so that you can build genuine trust instead of failing tests you didn't even know that you were taking. By the end of this video today, you'll understand his behavior completely, and you'll know exactly how to create the safety his nervous system needs to finally let you in.
And this video today is not about learning to accommodate unhealthy avoidant behaviors either. I want to show you how to pass the test in ways that confirm he is safe, but which also call him to act more securely and maturely with you. because you both deserve a relationship that feels comfortable and supportive, not suffocating or unstable. So, let's talk about the top seven avoidant tests and how to ace them. And make sure that you do stay for number seven because it is extreme proof that he actually trusts you already.
Now, in this video today, I'm not just going to be telling you the tests. I'm going to be telling you some very intense truths. So, let's go through the truths, the test that comes from that truth, and exactly how to ace each test.
Truth number one, when he withdraws after intimacy, he's actually testing your reaction. I call this the space test. After deep emotional or sometimes physical intimacy, he pulls back to see if you'll panic or if you're going to give him room to breathe. His nervous system is overwhelmed, number one, but it's asking, "Will she attack if I move?" Most women think that this is a mistake and he's pulled away on on accident and they flood him with reassurance and overwhelm which is exactly what he fears most. Don't do this.
Now, why is he doing this particular test? It's because his amydala actually detects threat. Closeness in the fear center of his brain, the amydala, is tagged with danger. When I'm close to you, when I've overextended myself, when I've shared too much, I'm now in danger because you could use it against me or you could demand I stay there and never let me pull back. This is the new normal and it's not sustainable for me, but I'm also vulnerable to you and I could get hurt. Remember that people become avoidant because love, closeness, and intimacy is weaponized against them in childhood. They are punished intentionally or unintentionally by being open. So their brain learns that being open is deadly.
Now in their close intimate relationship with you, his brain still has that programming and hasn't reprogrammed yet because he hasn't allowed you in to reprogram through experience. His brain still is running that process. So he withdraws partially to test, could I get away if necessary? Do you let me or do you demand I stay there? Do you freak out? When I feel uncertain and withdrawal, what do you do? This allows him to relieve that fear response without venting negative behaviors at you. Okay? Fear response. Fight flight. He doesn't want to fight you. So he fllight just a little bit of flight. Okay? Step back, get space, breathe, and then what are you going to do when I'm breathing? That's the question. This is the test. I'll make this very clear. This is a form of self-regulating. Now it's it's not appropriate self-regulating. This is maladaptive self-regulating from a damaged environment where he has been hurt in childhood. But his brain is trying to regulate. He's saying if I can still get away afterward, that means that closeness is not too dangerous. It's okay.
So the wrong response if he pulls away afterward is exactly what the majority of women do. Okay? They send an 18 paragraph emotional text breaking down like, "I'm here for you. You're my entire life. I will wait forever. I'm going to be thinking about you. Every minute of every day. Every emotion I ever have is about you and it's overwhelming and I'm waiting for you. It's it's the worst possible thing. It confirms his worst nightmares. the partner instead of being reassuring, instead of being caring, she becomes an emotional liability, a responsibility that he's actually trying to avoid, not the partner that he wants to pursue.
So, let me be even clearer. Why is this failing the test? He's pulling away to test if he's safe. If you pursue, and especially with overwhelming emotions, he's in danger. that message if you send them or these behaviors the message that's sent it confirms that amydala the fear centers worse fear that closeness is engulfment suffocation control and danger. Now what happens when you send that text message or you reach out, you chase full adrenaline full cortisol release to a perceived threat I'm in danger okay? It's the difference between seeing a wolf in the distance in the forest and turning around and now the wolf is running at you through the trees. Okay, one is like, "Oh, it's a wolf. I'll be a little careful." The other is, "Oh crap, I'm about to get attacked." It's a much more intense flight behavior that couples sometimes with a fight behavior if it's necessary to escape. This is usually where we'll see an ethically avoidant man start to fight, start to push back, start to maybe say something a bit sharp to create distance and warn you. It's yelling at the wolf, "Hey, don't come over here." It's picking up a stick, getting ready to hit the wolf. Okay, you're not a wolf. You're you're loving and caring. You're going to jump on him and lick his face and care for him, but he thinks you're about to try to tear out his throat. He's ready to fight, but he's still going to try to run. This is where his flight behaviors kick in. Again, this is confirmation that you're not safe. And this creates a semi-permanent cortisol association against you. When we get close, you chase and you attack. And the only reason I was safe was because I withdrew faster than you could get me. That's what his brain says. Not that you just came to me to try to reassure me. I only got away because I was aggressive and strong and smarter and faster than you. So now I have to stay one step ahead of you all the time.
I want to make this abundantly clear cuz I a lot of you are anxiously attached. You're in the comment sections. Guys, I think you're fantastic. Ladies out there, you are wonderful. I know that you're watching these videos because you adore your partner and you actually have tremendous empathy and care for them. I'm not saying here that you're doing bad things. What I'm saying is his system is designed to see your love as danger. So I'm giving you the raw unfiltered version here so that you see how you're being perceived because how you're acting and how you're being perceived. The intent is completely being misunderstood and the desire is being completely misunderstood. So I need to show you that first. Even if it hurts, some of you might be angry right now. Drop a comment below. Let me know. Are you with me right now? Are we good or are you mad at me? Tell me.
But the right response to fix this, if you see him pull away, you feel that pull away, wait 12 to 24 hours. I usually say about 24 hours is really good. Then you send a calm three or four sentence text maximum. Hey, I had a really great night with you. When can we connect again? Very simple. Okay. Hey, I had a wonderful time seeing you last time. I know that you're incredibly busy right now. I would love to set a time to reconnect. When is good for you? Flat, friendly, non-emotional. This is how you pass the the initial pull away. If this doesn't work, something deeper is happening. And I'm still going to say it's probably not you. He is maximum stressed out somewhere else in his life. The worst thing you can do is then aggressively pursue with 57 text messages proclaiming your undying love for him because now you're a threat and a liability while he's already stressed out about something else. So that stress dumps at you and he's five times more afraid of you than he normally would be. Now it's a pack of rabid wolves charging him in the forest all screeching, "Why don't you love me?" Okay, there's an image for you. But that's what his brain is perceiving. That's why he picks up a stick and starts swinging it and shouting at you to try to scare you away. That's why he runs away, climbs a tree into his tree fort, and locks the door. It It's not that you're too much. It's that his nervous system is perceiving you as danger.
I want to be very clear. Why does this version though pass the test? Let me explain. It's confirmation that closeness does not lead to escalating demands. when he gets your text message, he had a really great time with you. I know that you're busy. Okay, you're you're saying, I know it's not me. You're very busy and I respect that. I would love to reconnect with you. Very honest statement, very honest and upfront. When does when works for you? You're putting it right on his hands and saying, "You tell me when you're good." Non-emotional, friendly, calm. He'll read it. If he's in a stress state, he'll go, Oh yeah, I got to do that. But that's the worst, right? Oh yeah, I I got to get back to you. He's not going to go, "Oh man, I can't I can't deal with this right now." Right? He's not going to go, "Oh man, I knew it. Hey, I had a really great time with you. I know you're really busy right now. I'd love to reconnect with you. When works for you, huh? Closeness does not lead to escalating demands, control, none of that." This counters his amydala response. It confirms I'm actually safe spending that good time with you that felt a little uncomfortable. It actually is okay and actually you're a calm place for me to come back to. Now his brain looks at you and says, "You're like the weekend for me. I have to go suffer over here, but I'm actually waiting to get back to you cuz I remember how much fun that was and there's no awful consequences. I'm looking forward to this text message and now seeing you." And then he's going to prioritize, you know, I could make time on Friday night. Are you free at 7 o'clock?
These responses, by the way, when you're that we we always talk about be his peace. That's what that means. These responses differentiate you from other humans who've harmed him in the past. Over time, as your responses like this stack, he says, "You are so much different. You are an asset in my life. You are my place of rest instead of a place of stress, pain, and demands. You're one more liability to me." He begins to lower his guard around you. He spikes less frequently. He sees closeness of safety. He sees the wolf running through the forest. He's like, "Oh, that's my best friend coming to greet me." That's the difference, right? A dog can run at you or a wolf can run at you. Two different responses. They're attacking or they're coming to greet me. He has not been greeted before. He doesn't have that programming. You need to build that programming so that he understands you're not about to attack. There was an old meme on the internet maybe 10 years ago that men get hugs so le so infrequently that when one man opens his arms to hug another man the first thought is I'm being attacked and men go and pull back and they're very hesitant. If you've ever seen a man when someone tries to hug him there's there's a gap. Have you ever seen that? Stop and think right now. Avoidant men have that five times worse. You need to build that safety understanding for him. It rewires his amydala over time. And by the way, it can lead to vasopressin bonding, oxytocin bonding, all the hormonal bonding that you want. Not only does he trust you, he now associates you with warmth, safety, rest, peace, fulfillment. Then he goes looking for you. And as you run toward him, he's now running toward you. This is just test number one. Again, I want you to stay till at least test number seven because that is proof that he actually trusts you already. And you've got to ace that last final test. Okay, let's roll into the next one.
I get asked all the time, what is my attachment style? What is my attachment style? What is my attachment style? So, I have finally launched the attachment assessment. This is not a short quiz that just spits out an answer after 3 seconds. This is a thorough, indepth, sciencebacked assessment. Check it out on my website, adamlainsmith.com, and learn your attachment style, the severity of what you're dealing with, and some next steps you can take right now to build very secure attachment.
Here's a harsh truth number two about avoidant men. Subtle criticisms, they're actually emotionally safety tests. When the mask slips, when he's stressed, here's the test number two that comes. He'll let his guard down slightly on purpose. You'll see some very mild passive aggressive statements. You'll see stonewalling, cold remarks, small ones. This is not abusive behavior. It's when he's irritable, when he has a tough day. It's not that he's trying to be mean. That would be the manipulative avoidance style. The ethical avoidance style, they're they're irritated. They're exhausted. They're also testing just a bit to see if you'll spiral when they're not constantly fluffing your feelings. when he's imperfect, what do you do on his rough days?
Now, why is he doing this? It's not exactly intentional. We all have difficult days. I know I do. You do. We all have irritable days. Avoidant men, they are chronically sympathetically activated. So, they're always in stress mode. But they're also very aware that they have to manage other people's emotions and fluff other people's emotions. They have to minimize the negative output and the stress on you to try to keep your mood up. so that you'll react ethically around them. So, they're constantly reigning in how they actually think and feel. That's one reason they block you out, so that you won't see the black goo that's in there on their difficult days. As they begin to trust you, the mask will slip. Over time, it takes a massively heavy toll on them and their emotional interactions, and they seem unusually heavy. They're exhausted. This is why they avoid you on their difficult days partly because they're afraid of how you're going to react to those stress points. Being gentle in their verbal exchanges requires overwhelming energy that they don't have at that moment. And they're afraid of how other people will react. I'm going to ruin everything because people are only with me because they like how they feel. And if I'm not making them feel good, it destroys the relationship. So, I'm going to lock myself in a dark room and pretend I don't see your text messages for 3 days while I'm stressed out. That's one reason that they do that.
Now, irritability in avoidant men especially is a sign of high stress often coupled with chronic burnout and that's his normal state by the way. So he sees this the mask slipping as a first sign of whether or not you can accept him as he is. Now very blunt none of this is an excuse for true verbal abusive behavior of any kind. Not acceptable. But irritable days are going to be part of him, especially until he learns how to truly refresh with a loving partner, you and regulate his emotions appropriately so he actually comes out of chronic endless burnout.
So, what's the test here? Well, he's really testing, can you stay emotionally regulated when he's not managing your feelings for you? When he's not fluffing you constantly in every interaction, do you explode? Do you become needy? Do you become bitter? Do you whine and complain that he's no longer paying attention to you? Why don't you pay attention to me? I'm not having a good time. That's what he's waiting to hear. Even if you would never say that, he knows that he'll have to constantly monitor himself around you forever, an emotional prison, if you have those reactions. And he's used to in childhood growing up with people who have those reactions. They shaped him to expect that as normal. So, this is a test to see if you are strong enough to be in his presence on his bad days or if he has to isolate from you and track one more variable. He's thinking he has those moments. He goes, "Crap. Well, if I let myself slip, we're going to see how she reacts. I guess today's the day." His brain is determining how much energy is required to suppress his emotional expressions around irritability or exhaustion in your presence. What is the minimum threshold I can spend time with you at? How bad I feel.
Now, ladies out there, I'm going to say this. I've been married for 16 and a half years. My wife says she actually wants to be with me at my worst moments on purpose to be that peace and that kindness for me. So, I know that this guts you when he pulls away at those moments. You want to be there for him, and you also want to help him and nurture him during those moments. Not to rescue him, but again to co-regulate with him and bring him up, to be his peace and help restore him, not to not to save him, but to help restore him together, right? Leave me a comment if that's right. Let me know. But if you seem to demand too much by reacting too much, and anxiously attached people in particular will react big time when he's mad and upset and and you're anxious and you're nervous and you begin fawning and he feels that it increases the energy drain on him at his hardest moments. It actually makes his hardest moments worse. So the worst thing you can do is begin emotionally reacting to his irritability. Worst thing you can do.
So, what's your winning move? Stay calm. Gently call it out, though. You seem pretty stressed today. When's a better time to reconnect? Take time to breathe before you respond. Show him that you can handle his humanity without falling apart. Now, it is good to gently call out the irritability. Show that you have a backbone. Show that you have boundaries. It is also good to not take it personally. Securely attached women don't take it personally when avoidant man gets irritable or when he seems off. Her first default thought is not, "What did I do?" And it's not, "I have to rescue him." Her first default thought goes, "Huh, I wonder what's making him mad. That sucks. I'll see if he wants to talk about it." So, a lot of you in the comment sections tell me that you are securely attached, but you're with an avoidant man and he is constantly disrupting you day and night. That's that's not how secure attachment works. Securely attached women don't default to this is my fault. It's about me and I need to rescue him right now or it's all over. If you take it personally, you fail the test to an extreme degree. And again, this is not about accommodating him. This is actually for your peace of mind. For your peace of mind, you should not feel like you have to take it personally. You should be calm and at rest and self-regulated so that you are good and it happens to benefit him.
Now, when you stay calm, things get drastically better. If you take it personally, his brain now sees you as a child to care for rather than a partner he can relax with on his hard days. Call it out gently. Look for a solution. Hey, you seem pretty stressed out today. What's going on? Do you want to talk about it? You seem pretty irritable today. Is there anything I can do right now to help you feel better? Hey, seems like you're having a pretty rough one. I can see, right? Hey, what's going on? Do you need some time to yourself today? It it looks like you probably need to decompress. That's a securely attached response that's going to give you peace of mind because you're not responsible for how he feels. You can be there for him, but you don't need to rescue him. And life shouldn't end if you don't rescue him. So, propose some decompression time. Propose rescheduling or offer something that will help him relax with you. Have those conversations. He respects it. If he's an ethical avoidant, he respects it when you call it out. He respects and trusts you when you don't take it personally. And when you propose a solution, now you are his peace.
Now, harsh truth number three, inconsistent affection reveals your validation needs. This is the test that I call the warmth roller coaster. One day he is deep and affectionate, the next he's more distant. This isn't calculated cruelty. It's genuinely not feeling it. and and he wants to know if you can handle normal human emotional fluctuation.
Now, why is he doing this? Remember that avoidant people get overwhelmed by closeness and that they are chronically stressed out and burned out. Withdrawing on those days where he's he's stressed out, it tells him not only that he's safe to do so, but also that you're capable of being self- sustaining on days when he's not available. This is a little bit deeper of a test. It's similar to the other two, but what he's testing here is, do you feed yourself or will you starve and die without him? The other tests are, am I safe and can I relax? This test is, are you a child? It's a validation trap. He's testing if you're an approval addict who needs constant daily affection to survive or if you can stay steady when he's not actively reassuring you at every moment. He's not looking to adopt a child. And again, from his perspective, that's how you that's how you will slot. I'm not saying you are. That's how you will slot. And if you require constant upkeep, especially on his hardest days, that's how he will see you. His response is, "Dang, we we just had a great day yesterday and now you're chasing after me just cuz I'm stressed out and I haven't talked to you in three or four hours." Like, what? What? I I don't think I can. That's why they go, "I don't think I can do this." his brain will tag you as a liability instead of a trusted partner.
Now, I'm going to say this. It's perfectly acceptable to want your partner's time, their attention, even their approval because you want them you want to know that your partner likes you. But craving it and chasing it and demanding it even creates immense stress for him. And when I say demanding it, I don't maybe mean sending him angry texts saying, "How dare you not speak to me?" I mean the bids for attention that are so undeniable. Okay? Have you ever had a pet that you're sitting trying to do a task and they are ramming you with their nose over and over and over trying to force you to pet them and you're getting frustrated because you're really focused on a task that's stressing you out. That's how it begins to feel for the avoidant man. if he can't even leave you alone for a couple hours. And anxiously attached people in particular, that couple hours is like absolute grueling, miserable death.
Now, the answer here and the secure response is not to say nothing. Most women at this point say, "Okay, I just won't say anything. I'll just be silent. I'll wrap myself in a shawl. I'll sobb uncontrollably in my bathtub and say, "Why doesn't he love me?" And I'll do this for two or three days waiting for a text. That that's not the answer. Okay? Make a simple observation. Hey, you seem a bit distant today. You doing all right? One, two sentences. Not a threehour emotional exposition about yesterday being amazing and today feeling totally different and not knowing what happened and saying, "I'm willing to do anything. Tell me what's going on." No. Avoidant men respect boundaries and gentle call outs. They respect when you have a spine. And then shifting to a solution approach helps. Hey, you seem a bit distant today. you doing all right? You seem a bit distant today. Are you stressed out? This is something great that my wife does with me. She's very securely attached. If I'm distant, I'm quiet, I'm stressed, whatever, she'll look at me and say, "Hey, you seem a little distant today. Are you stressed out? Is it work? Is it a friendship? What's going on?" She doesn't default to, "What did I do?" Right? I don't get 15 text messages from her apologizing and then sobbing and then overexplaining. It's, "Hey, you seem distant. What's going on? Oh, yeah. I got these work projects I'm doing. I'm just My brain is constantly in work mode. I can't turn it off. Cool. Hey, tonight 7 o'clock. Do you think you could turn it off for me so that we can go on a cool date as a couple? Uh, tonight 7. Yep, I can do that. I'll get it done. That's that's the exchange. Solution might look like, hey, seems like things are a bit off today. Can we What can we do to enjoy this day together? You could even be with him. day of warmth. Next day he's like withdrawn and closed off. Seems like things are a bit off today. What can we do to enjoy this day together? If you avoid fixating on needing validation to feel safe right now, you won't look like a liability. So, make sure that you are not personalizing his behaviors cuz that's not what a secure woman will do.
I know that a lot of the people watching this show right now have had attachment issues for their entire life. That's why I want to invite every single one of you to check out my attachment repair program. It just might be the jump that you need to go from insecurely attached and lonely and frustrated to fully secure, connected, and bonded in a great relationship like nothing you've ever felt before. Check out my website, adamlaneith.com, for the attachment repair program.
Truth number four, if he asks for space or takes space, it tests your respect for his boundaries. I call this test number four, the autonomy test. Instead of just disappearing, he might actually tell you, "I need some time to myself." And if so, this is progress. He's afraid that this moment of vulnerability will be weaponized against him or that you're going to question or guilt him. Okay? He doesn't want to be guilted, controlled, have you freak out. If he actually stops and says, "I just need a little bit of time to myself." This is a good sign. This is a bit more of an advanced test here because you need to pass the previous ones to even unlock this test. If he's running away and taking time for himself without speaking, you haven't passed the previous three tests. This is a good one cuz he's actually verbalizing to you. This is him seeing if you're able to receive blunt feedback and needs like this. It's a great sign that he actually trusts you enough to be direct with you.
Now, most women, unfortunately, get this very wrong. They think that this is him getting worse and now pushing back and then they get afraid. So things that trigger his fears. But I thought we were spending the day together or who are you going to be with? He's waiting for you to override his autonomy and treat him like a pet that you're managing and can't let off the leash. Remember that avoidant men, they don't simply distrust you. They don't trust anyone on the planet. They just distrust you the least. So you have the least amount of distrust of other humans. He's going to have a very hard time believing anyone is going to care about him enough to receive his needs graciously. If you have anxious tendencies especially, that's going to make you personalize everything. And your tendency will be to seek reassurance right there on the spot and ruin his budding trust. If he shares a need with you and your first response is, I need reassurance right now. That's not secure behavior. And I'm telling that for your sake, not for his sake. I'm telling that for you. That's a good flag that you still have some work to do. And if you do that, that will crush his growing hope that you can accept and care for him. It crushes his safety.
Now, the response that wins here, something like this. I'm glad you let me know. How much time do you need? Okay, cool. I'm going to go see my mom, take my own time, see a friend. This right here, if you do that, this is massive relief for him. I have my own life. I will go do something cool for me. Thanks for letting me know. How much time do you need? Cool. I'm going to go do my thing. Incredible flood of relief for him. It actually is probably going to make him miss you while he's gone and look forward to reconnecting. One issue that I hear from many avoidant men is they fear their partner is just going to sit at home crying waiting for his return. The whole time he feels guilty or he dreads emotional punishment for having taken time for himself. Keep in mind a lot of his partners have probably done that to him in the past. Taking time for yourself and not personalizing his need for space proves that you're an exceptional human being. Okay, this not only grows his trust for you, but then refreshes him so he returns as a better partner later on. And I have another video here on this channel talking about how giving space is a bad thing. Giving endless unbounded space all the time and never speaking about it and it's his only way of decompressing and he's just running away without even letting you know. That's off. That's wrong. Letting you know I need some time to recharge on my own or be with a friend. That's good. Recharging time is great. I can't be around humans because I'm stressed out or just bailing on you. Not there's a difference. Okay, I want to be very clear about that. We need to work towards sharing needs, respecting needs, recharging, and then reconnecting. It's a process.
Now, this not only tr grows his trust for you, but it makes him differentiate you from everyone he's ever known because you protect and safeguard his time to breathe.
Now, if you've passed all these tests so far, truth number five is very interesting. Sharing controversial views with you tests your judgment. This is test number five. The mask drop completely, not slipping, but off. He will share maybe his imperfections, his dark beliefs, or morally ambiguous views about the world to see if you can handle his real self. The goal of this test isn't about agreeing with everything. It's about not collapsing into judgment, approval, seeking, any of that behavior.
Now, why do avoidant men do this test? It's because they're in constant survival mode. The inside of their mind feels very dark. Avoidant men tend to say some pretty brutal things and they tend to be brutal realists and their inner beliefs reflect this. Some avoidant men I know, they say things like, "Dreams are dangerous or hope just leads to betrayal." And they really mean it like that. That's really what they feel. And they don't usually say that to people that they can't trust. And saying those little things piece by piece tests are other people going to get offended, mad, freaked out, scared. Right? You're a sociopath. That's what he's expecting. Very few people can accept their ideas or beliefs. Most argue with them or get offended, get pissed off. That's not how the world really is.
Now, this is useful to him because it weeds out liabilities. Hm. Any person that's just blindly hopeful about dreams, you're a liability. I need to make sure I keep an eye on you and stay away from you. I'm not going to let you run anything in my company. Only people who hate dreams are allowed in my company. That that's the avoidant mindset. Okay? If you argue, get offended, get mad, get freaked out, or even seek approval and overly become a yes person, all of those are warnings to him. So there's there really three main ways that you can ruin this. One is to judge and reject, right? Judge and reject. That's arguing, getting weird about it, getting angry, offended. Two is to freak out and try to fix him. That's not real. That's not true. Oh, I I need to show you better than that. Or three, completely lose yourself and agree with everything just totally without even talking. All three responses will terrify him for different reasons.
Now, why doesn't he like these? Well, number one, he's not interested in blind idealists who are liabilities first. Number one. Okay, arguing with him like we talked about, it's not going to help. Okay, how dare you have that bleak response? No, he knows these these are beliefs he has formed through the harsh realities of his life. Do I believe they're accurate? I don't. I don't personally, but I can understand where they're coming from. Okay, in the comments section, let me know. Do you like to be validated? Then don't invalidate his experience. Second, he doesn't want to get fixed. The idea that he needs to be rescued from reality is an insult. Oh, you poor little bunny. You are afraid of dreams. I will snuggle you until you believe in dreams again. Does that sound like something an avoidant man wants to hear? I hope by now after all the videos you've watched and all the things you've heard in this video alone, you know that's not what he wants. That will insult him. And third, if you collapse completely into yeswomaning everything he says, not only do you look spineless and weak, but it fails to instigate any intellectual conversation whatsoever. Intellectual conversations and discussions stimulate dopamine and serotonin for him and they make him feel interested in you to a greater extent. So even agreeing blindly will rob him of this joy.
Here's an important thing I need to hammer home for you. Most avoidant men intellectualize everything. But when they give you this mask drop, when they share that dark reality with you that they see, the best thing you can do is say, "He's being personal with me." It's scary for most people because it sounds awful, but this is him being personal and honest and dare I say vulnerable. So, the best thing you can do is take an intellectual approach. Ask questions with genuine curiosity. Tell me more about that view. Or, hm, that's interesting. Help me understand your perspective. Where is that coming from? Stay curious, not judgmental. Show him that you can engage with his mind, not just police his thoughts. Prove to him that you're capable of intellectual discussion. And the best way to engage in intellectual discussion is not to make statements. It's to ask questions. Become a thoughtful companion. Yes, you can push back. I do. If I'm eating dinner with an avoidant buddy and he's like, "The world is bleak and dark and there is no hope anywhere." I go, "Hm, must be a pretty bad hamburger you're eating right now." Right? I'm like, "What is this? What's causing that? Have you not had any joy in the last year? Has nothing gone right? What's going on right now? talk to me about it. What's happening? Where's this coming from? And I just listen. I ask questions. Ah, how long's that been going on? Ah, is there an answer there? Well, hey, you know, what would you need? Can we work on that together? Solution finding. Even just listening to what they've been through. Wow, I can understand. I can understand why you think dreams are dangerous now. That sounds pretty awful, man. I'm sorry that you're experiencing that. I I wish that there was a way I could help. If there is, give me a heads up. I'm here for it. Even that like that's an intellectual conversation. Asking questions and understanding. Pushing back means I can take that. Cool. I don't think anything less of you. I respect you. Bat on the back. Cool. Enjoy your hamburger. Right? Like I'm glad we had this talk. I look forward to more of them. You don't need to agree with him at all to pass this test. You only need to be able to match his thoughtful energy in a conversation. This releases dopamine and serotonin in him to build a powerful positive association with your presence. And by the way, this allows him to drop his guard more fully. All of the tests combine to drop his guard and make him feel safe. If you're passing all of these tests so far, this is a man who begins to truly trust you.
Now, harsh truth number six kicks in around this point. Casual ex talk is a security test. If you've passed all of this, okay, then comes what I call the competition check. avoidant men. They will not casually mention other women in your presence. When he brings up exes or female friends, he's watching your reaction like a hawk. He's testing if you feel secure without total control over his attention, over his life, over his emotions. It is extremely unlikely he's going to lower his guard enough to just mention it next to you without being intentional. So, when he does mention it, he's watching to see if this pushes you over an edge of jealousy and control. There's a meme on the internet, right? You're the most jealous woman I know. You know other women, right? That's the meme here. If he mentions something about another woman in the world, do you pounce? Do you attack? I call this the possession trap. He wants to know, "Will you become insanely jealous and controlling because he ever once had an emotion for another human? Or can you handle that you're not the only woman who's ever existed in his life?" He wants loyalty, not surveillance.
Now, this does not apply if he's bragging about women he's currently still sleeping with or comparing you negatively to other women to try to control you or he's mentioning his exes to try to remind you that you just barely have a place in his life and you should be grateful. Again, all of those are manipulative tactics. That is not what this test looks like. It's maybe mentioning something painful that an ex did maybe just for a brief moment. You know, I had a really I I I almost had a good birthday once in my life. You'll hear that from avoidant men. I almost had a good birthday. It was back in the summer of 86 and but this one ex really destroyed my heart that day. H there's a non-casual mention. Okay. Or even mentioning something. Well, hey, I I did this one thing with this one ex. It was actually quite enjoyable. I'd love to do it on my own or or with you. I'd like to experience that again. Not to remind me of them, but actually to share this with you. All right. Non-intent very intentional recommendation, non-casual. Okay? Mentioning an ex in those ways, not in a controlling, painful way for you.
Now, most avoidant men are used to anxious women in particular, not secure women. So, they expect threatened behavior to start immediately. Most of that threatened behavior tends to be perceived as demands for instant reassurance from him. Yeah, you know, I dated this woman once. Am I better than her? Was she prettier? Is she hotter? Do you think about her every day? That's what he's waiting for. He's waiting for that moment. He's waiting for the next six months of you demanding answers. You're in the middle of intimacy and you go, "Are you thinking about her right now?" Right? like he's taking a shower and you you like bust open the curtain and you're like, "Are you thinking about her right now?" He's waiting for that. Okay, this drains his energy. If you are looking threatened and jealous, it drains his energy. It makes him exhausted. He's fighting a war against an ex who isn't even present anymore. This also builds a really strong cortisol association against sharing anything with you ever again in the future.
Now, it's it's never fun to hear about an ex. I I get it. It's it's not fun to hear that someone was in love before you if it was his previous wife or or a dear love that he lost or something like that, right? It's never fun. So, no one expects you to be like, "Ah, great. Let's talk about her." No, I understand it sucks. But a confident response to the non-manipulative approach, okay, is to ask calm questions and even playfully p banter back. Ah, aren't you glad you're with me now? It shows interest without interrogation. Remind him why he chose you instead of trying to erase his past. It's good to show interest. Okay. It's bad to be competitive against ghosts, exes who aren't even present anymore. If you need to ask, you'd say, "What's the difference between us that you didn't have then? And what can we do to make sure it stays that way?" Okay. Data about the past should give you solutions for the future, not lead to feeling threatened. Most avoidant men will say, "If I liked them, I'd be with them. I'm with you now. Why are you freaking out?" You might have heard that before. Let me know in the comments if you've heard that one before. But that's passing the test. Ask questions for solutions. What split you guys up and how do we make sure we don't do that? What was it you enjoyed about that? And how could we do that better? Even if it's something sexually he did with an ex. Hey, I'm sorry to bring this up, but there was this one thing that I did try this one time that was wonderful. I'd love to give it a try with you. Anxious women will hear, "You had sex with somebody else and you're thinking about them all the time and I'm not good enough and that's why you're still No. Hey, what made that fun for you and how could we do it better?" There's a smart approach. Okay. Don't feel threatened by the ex if they're really out of his life. Build with him. If you've passed all these tests so far, number one, you're probably fairly secure yourself, which is great. Well done you. Number two, you have peace of mind because not leaping into those tests the wrong way is going to help you feel better. Again, like I said, none of this is about accommodating him. Notice, none of this is tolerating abuse, dealing with crappy behavior, putting up with it, babying him, walking on eggshells, none of it. All of this advances your side and helps you get your needs met so that you understand and feel better. Very clear.
If you've passed all these tests, it leads to truth number seven. Leadership tests reveal long-term potential. I told you test number seven, when he really trusts you. This is the big one. I call it the co-executive test. If you've passed the other test, he will step back in certain areas to see if you can lead without his constant guidance. Can you handle ambiguity and make decisions or do you fall apart without his direction? This is a key moment in your relationship. So, do not miss this test. If he asks you to take on tasks, if he gives you something to do, you manage this area. Please, you're better in this area than I am. Please tackle this for me. Can you do this for me? Can you handle this task? He's asking a crucial question. Is she somebody that I have to manage like an employee that I can't trust with a task because she'll screw it up? Do I have to do everything alone myself? Or can I trust her as a co-executive with me in this relationship? Can I trust her with tasks and turn my back knowing that she's going to come through for me? This determines whether he sees long-term potential with you or not.
I want you to remember that most people in his life have failed him. He's used to disappointment as the default. He gets angry at himself more than anybody else for having trusted somebody. At first, he gets angry at someone for letting him down and then the anger goes inward and he blames himself for ever having bothered trust someone trusted someone again. That's what he expects. That's the cycle he expects to see. reaching this test at all is a huge show that he believes you might be an exception to fix this and the lean forward and
build a great relationship. Step into that leadership role. He's actually sharing leadership with you. Ask clarifying questions. What do you need from me? What are the expectations? What are the KPIs? Key performance indicators. Use business language. This is great. My video course, How to Love an Avoidant Man, shows you this executive language, okay? It shows you what to do.
My video course, How to Build a Secure Marriage, shows you exactly how to get his needs structured and your needs structured and then negotiate on that and build capacity. So either course will show you exactly what to do based on the situation. But ask clarifying questions, understand what's needed, understand the stakes. Then take initiative and planning and make decisions confidently. Show him that you can be a true partner who adds value rather than someone who constantly needs emotional management and direction.
This is not, by the way, about perfection. You will never be perfect. And he doesn't expect you to be. He expects you to fail and disappoint him because everyone has. It's not personal. He doesn't think you're a failure. He thinks humans are always failing. This is about putting your best honest effort in and communicating about challenges. Okay?
When he's we said before that avoidant men never trust anyone, after passing all these tests in this video, you're now the exception. He's trusting you. This is your final test. Think of yourself as running operations while he handles marketing, sales, development. You're the ultimate chief operations officer, COO. Okay? He's testing to see if he's finally found the ultimate executive partner to take his life to the next level. The question here is, can I trust you to guard my back?
I said at the very beginning of this video that avoidant men are in survival mode. Life or death stakes everywhere. Can he trust you with tasks so that he can move his structure to something else? Instead of working a 100 hours a week, he can give you 20 hours of work and work a measly 80 and get 20 hours back. That's what he's asking. Can I do that? Or will you screw up those tasks so bad that I now have to work 110 hours, an extra 30, not only to undo the damage and then do the task itself. Okay?
Worst thing you can do is say, "Okay, I'm going to figure it out myself alone." That's what anxious women do. Secure women step in and say, "I will do this. I need to understand the parameters. What's needed? What are my resources? What's my KPIs? Key performance indicators. When do you need it by? And how should I communicate any challenges that come up? Should I let you know immediately if something pops up? Do you want me to take a stab at solving it? What's going to work?" You step in and say, "How can I be the best co-executive to you? What are your expectations?" Cool. I will check in with you and let you know how things are going as we move. And if something is off, I'm going to let you know immediately and get some information so that I can help.
Now, this one in particular is tough for a lot of women. So, if you need help at this stage, make sure that you view my How to Build a Secure Marriage video course. It lays out the ultimate chief operations officer posture to take in your relationship with language and skills that you need to maximize yourself as his ideal life partner. And again, this is not about endlessly accommodating him. It's about shifting into your feminine role and maximizing yourself. This is where you truly belong. And this is where you truly bring out the absolute best in a man who now was formerly avoidant and now is leaning into the bond with you because you've built a secure relationship.
This video should have been called seven ways to build a secure relationship with an avoidant man and help him shift to secure attachment with you. Passing these tests does that. You get a secure relationship and so does he. And through time you both become more secure together.
Now, I will say this. If you have been failing these tests without knowing that they existed, please don't blame yourself. Avoidant men, they often don't even consciously realize they're running these tests. It's their nervous system's way of trying to stay safe in relationships. But now that you understand what's really happening, you can start responding in ways that build trust instead of confirming his worst fears about love. Remember that these tests aren't about you not being good enough. They're about his early experiences teaching him that people who get close will eventually hurt him, control him, or reject and betray him.
When you can respond to his test with patience, consistency, and respect for his nervous system, something powerful happens. He finally starts to believe that maybe, just maybe, you're different from everyone else who taught him that love is dangerous. The strategies that I shared here in this video today are just the beginning of really creating a secure relationship with an avoidant partner. The real transformation happens when you understand the complete system for building trust, safety, and deep connection that works with his attachment style instead of against it.
That's exactly what I teach in my Secure Marriage video course, the comprehensive blueprint for creating lasting love that feels safe for both partners. You'll learn the specific communication methods, the trust building techniques, and the nervous system regulation skills that turn avoidant testing into full secure bonding. Visit adamlainsmith.com for that course or click the link in the description now to get the complete system that transforms avoidant relationships into the secure and lasting love that you both deserve.
I'm Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist. I would love to hear from you in the comments sections. What are you doing on these tests? Did you know about these tests? Are you shocked? Are you surprised? Avoidant people out there, men and women, I would love to hear from you. Are these tests accurate? Are the answers here accurate? Would these build a trusting relationship for you? Let me know. Let's start a conversation there. And do not miss the Secure Marriage course. It will change everything for you. I'll see you next time.