Emotional Intelligence Coach: How To Deal With Emotions & Relationships | Shivam | FO311 Raj Shamani

Exercises that people can learn to control anger with. Deep breathing. When the brain is calm, the body will relax, the nervous system will calm down, and your brain will automatically react in that way. Second thing, drink a glass of water. When I am getting angry, my body starts to warm up. If you drink water, the temperature will go down. What is anger? Anger is a protective emotion. Why do I feel sad even when everything is going well in my life? After that, we have some emotional needs. There are nine emotional needs. So the first is security, second is attention, third is control, fourth is meaning and purpose, right? Next is privacy. Next comes community. Seventh is intimacy. Next is status, and the last thing would be achievement. But if some of our emotional needs are not being fulfilled due to certain reasons, I feel that I have nothing to share every day. It's a small thing, but that is also creating internal frustration. Give me an example. What two or three things can partners say to the people who are watching that show they are emotionally available versus they are not? [Music] If you haven't subscribed to our channel yet, please subscribe now because your one subscription helps us a lot in bringing better and valuable content so that we can continue to create very insightful content for you. Before starting today's podcast, take out a pen and paper and take notes. Share the notes with me at the end. Either on Second, I also learned that there are different types of emotions and how to manage them. And the third, which was the most important learning for me, was how we can understand our emotions and improve our relationships with our partners and our parents. At the end of the podcast, tell me what you learned from this podcast and watch it till the end. But before you do that, go and subscribe to Rajomani Clips and Raj Samani Shorts because we upload small clips of this big episode there so that you can learn as much insight as possible in a short time. And the audio experience of this entire experience is available on spotify.com. [Music] [Music] Please introduce yourself in one minute. Right. So my name is Shivam. I am an author of two self-help books, "How to Only Show Potential" and "Finding the Magic in You." I am an ex-aerospace engineer and researcher. I used to work in aerospace engineering. Did my bachelor's, master's, and now I am a full-time EQ coach, emotional intelligence coach. I train people on building emotional intelligence, how to understand their emotions better, how to manage their emotions better, and basically help them learn how to respond to their emotions rather than reacting to their emotions. And why what you do is important. I think the biggest gap today regarding our emotions is that there are many, many misconceptions about emotions. What we feel, why we feel, how we react to those things. And somewhere at one particular point in my engineering days, master's, I figured out that a lot of people suffer because of a lack of understanding about themselves. We think people suffer so much because somewhere there is a gap between the world they see in their minds versus the world that actually exists. So tell me, what do people misunderstand? What is the biggest misunderstanding people have? What is the misconception people have because of which people don't even start understanding themselves? I think the biggest misconception regarding emotions is that we often label emotions as positive emotions and negative emotions. What is good? Example. Right. Example: Happiness is a positive emotion. I want to be more happy. It's normal to have a goal, right? My goal is to be happy. Okay. I want to be excited. I want to be energetic. We've labeled emotions as happy and are saying we want to stay there. Negative emotion: Anger. Anger is such a negative emotion. I don't want to be angry. We get a lot of advice that being angry is wrong. Getting angry is wrong. Sad is a negative emotion. I don't want to be sad. My life will be wasted being sad. So I have to work. I have to earn money. I have to do this. I have to do that. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel stressed for a particular reason. Stress is not an emotion, but in that particular sense, right? So at that particular point, when we've labeled the emotion as positive or negative, our mind automatically starts running towards positive emotions and starts ignoring negative emotions. Because naturally, the moment you feel unpleasant, you want to move away, right? And this is the biggest gap here. That means understanding that there are no positive or negative emotions. Every emotion has its own purpose, and understanding those emotions is very important. When you understand why you are feeling sad and why, then automatically half of your problems will start getting solved. So I feel that I failed the exam. We that's it. Figure out that the reason for my sadness is not that I am a useless person, I won't be able to do anything in life, I am very unworthy. It's not a problem. The problem is that I failed the exam, because of which I won't be able to sit for the next one. That is why I am feeling sad. It's very natural for you to feel sad right at that particular moment. So when we label this sadness as "I am feeling sad," then you will be able to take action around it. Then you will take action: what to do next? Either give the next exam, or work harder, prepare more. I will take action around it, and problems will be solved eventually. If I sit down and start sulking with that emotion, ignoring it, saying "Where is sadness? It doesn't matter to me. Whether I pass or fail, it doesn't matter to me." So somewhere we've put a burden on the world, on ourselves, that I want to show the world that I am cool, it doesn't matter to me. Whether I passed or failed, it does matter internally. That is impacting you. So somewhere it becomes a burden. Oh, same goes with anger. We are all told since childhood that anger is a very wrong thing. We shouldn't get angry. Anger is a very negative emotion. But the problem is never with anger itself. The problem is how we react to anger. How we react in anger. I'll give a small example. What is anger? Anger is a protective emotion. Anger tries to protect you from anything. A simple example: If you are walking on the road and suddenly an animal, a wild animal, attacks you, what will you do? Will I run or attack, defend, protect myself, pick up a stone and throw it? Right. You will protect yourself. So here you will notice, the moment the animal is jumping on you, has jumped on you, your body will go into fight or flight. It would want to do something about it. So when the attack has happened, you also become aggressive because you have to fight that animal to save yourself. So at that time, the anger you will feel, the anger you will feel, the aggression you will feel, where is it coming from? Anger. Now, at that particular point, if you don't get angry, you say, "It's okay, let it go." Animal, your life would be lost. We. So at that point, being calm when you are angry is supposed to be angry. It will cool you eventually, right? We. So anger is what it is. It's trying to protect you. And you notice, similarly, this happens: you are sitting with your friends, with your family, with your relatives, and they say something that offends you. Now, that is not a real attack, but that is a personal attack. Similar reaction. Your body sees it as a threat. Your mind thinks, "They are questioning my identity. Asking when will you get a job? How much are you earning? When will you get married?" So a threat has come upon you, right? That is not a real threat. That is an imaginary threat and then a personal threat. So your body again says, "I have to fight." So you become impulsive, you react. Why are you asking me these irrelevant things? Or you get up and leave. So somewhere, where did that impulsivity come from? From anger. So somewhere, when we understand what anger is trying to tell me, that "I am trying to protect myself and protect my identity," when we understand that, we will be able to respond better to that situation. If we don't understand, we will react impulsively. So this is the point. Every emotion, every negative emotion. So emotions are not positive or negative. They are pleasant or unpleasant. The goal should be to understand those emotions so that we can respond to them better. That is true. I agree with this. People get confused between emotion and behavior. Absolutely. Right. So my getting angry because of something is not a problem. How I behave in anger is a problem. Absolutely. And many people blame their emotions for their behavior. And that is the wrong thing. "Hey, I was angry, that's why I did this." No, you were angry, so you could have done five other things, but you did this because you saw this somewhere, or learned it, or subconsciously made it your own. And usually, people learn all these things from their parents. Absolutely, absolutely. So what I will do or what I do when I am extremely angry, knowingly or unknowingly, I must have seen it in my father, my mother, my family members. And that is exactly who I am trying to become. Absolutely. And that is completely different from the fact that I am getting angry. Absolutely, 100%. And that is what people need to work on because whatever they do in anger or any negative emotion, that behavior tells how their upbringing was, how they processed their emotions in life, what they did. It doesn't tell whether you got angry at this particular thing or not. Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Everyone gets angry. Exactly. Everyone gets angry. But those who react well, respond in a way, they somehow manage better relationships, career paths, many things start getting better. But yes, if you always react impulsively to emotions, you will feel that anger is the problem. How to control anger? Give me one exercise with which people can learn to control anger. Right. The very first thing is breathing. Deep breathing. Which is talked about in all spiritual practices, every religion, everywhere. In yoga, they talk about deep breathing. It helps a lot because the very first thing that changes is the breathing pattern. It starts to become rapid. And what signal is it giving? For fight or flight. Because that allows you to prepare for that particular situation. If you start understanding that my body is changing in this way, the first thing to do is take a deep breath. When the brain is calm, the body will relax, the nervous system will calm down, and your brain will automatically react in that way. Second thing, drink a glass of water. Now, what happens with this? Anger is not coming. So if you, if you notice what I did, when I am getting angry, my body starts to warm up, heat up. What do I need to do here? If you drink water, the temperature will go down. Again, my body and brain get the signal that there is no need for so much anger. Again, some things that again, they say, count to yourself, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Again, you are giving your body a chance to relax. But the biggest thing, the most important thing, all these things only delay anger, they don't solve it. The most important thing and the most important advice would be: when the anger subsides, talk about the thing that made you angry. Otherwise, what will happen? Today you have calmed your anger, which people generally do. But tomorrow, the same thing will happen again. If you said something, because of which I am repeatedly triggered, do you know that it shouldn't have been said or it should have been said? You will say the same thing again tomorrow, the day after tomorrow. You will keep saying it until I explode. Because I am suppressing it every day, right? Let it go, what to say? Let it go, what to say? On the fifth day, the sixth day, I won't stop. I won't stop. So I will explode. Right. So when I explode, it will come out very strongly and on a very small thing. On that day, you would have said something random, a very small thing. I will explode at that point. Right. So this is the point: talk about that particular emotion. So first, the emotion calms down in these ways, and then talk about the issue as well, which caused the problem. I also think there is one more thing that helps people with anger. People confuse everything. They say, "I am angry." So people's language affects a lot, what they are telling themselves and what they are doing, and what they are feeling at that particular moment. More than half of the people don't even know that what they are feeling is something else. It's not anger. So people should figure out what they are feeling in this situation because sometimes when you are disappointed, you say you are angry. When you are irritated, you say you are angry. When you are angry, you are angry. When you are peeved, you are angry. When you are enraged, you are angry. These five are different things. We. We. All are different. Just like anger means so much. Anger comes when you want to do something and you can't. You are blocked in some way, saying "I am helpless, I have to do something." That is anger. Absolutely. Then disappointment is when you expect something from someone and it doesn't happen. You have done it. You can't do it. You have done it. The other person has done it, and they have done it wrong. That is disappointment. So tell yourself that it's not anger, it's disappointment. The third is enraged, like the animal example you gave. If an animal, say, attacked my family or my child, and I know that this XYZ wild animal will attack my child, I have to remove it. So that response within me, which I have to remove, is also not anger. That is enraged. I am removing it at that time. And then peeved, I am disgusted by this thing. Like, I can't bear this. What have you done against my values, my principles, my things? And then irritated, the same thing is happening again and again, the same thing, the same thing. It's not making me angry, it's irritating me. So at that point, I don't need to respond, I need to ignore it. So these five things, people usually give them the name "I am angry." But these are five different emotions. And the moment people decide that, "Brother, every emotion, every feeling has a different name, not just one," then they will start realizing that they need to react differently everywhere. Absolutely, absolutely. Because if you are disappointed, the answer is not anger. If you are enraged, the answer is not anger. When you are angry, only then is the answer anger. Absolutely, absolutely. And one more very important point comes in this: emotional vocabulary is very important. Exactly. So creating your own language, knowing your emotions, knowing your vocabulary, knowing yourself becomes very important. Because if you don't even know the name of what you are feeling, then you will label everything as "this is happening." Exactly. Right. And you will notice this, it happens more in men. Because we were never taught to understand emotions or create vocabulary. You notice when a woman is feeling sad, she can clearly point it out: "I am feeling very bad today." What do men do? Often, because we were not taught, not taught by society, by family, by anyone for that matter. So what do we do? Our emotions get suppressed. So, as you said, exactly, anger is often suppressed sadness. Many times, anger is suppressed. I was feeling sad for a long time, for a long time. I am not talking about it. I need to talk about it. I want to share, but I can't. Now, that primary emotion kept on piling up, kept on piling up. At one point, it became a secondary emotion, anger, and it came out as anger. And you will notice, most men react through secondary emotions more than primary emotions. Explain again, what is a secondary emotion? Secondary emotions are like anger, pride, power, authority. Men tend to express more towards that. Because primary emotions are very primary. Happiness, sadness, these are things where we are unable to express basic emotions, either we don't know how to, or society doesn't allow us to. Yes. So disappointment, sadness, these are things I can't express. I will say I am angry. And I express it through anger and authority, power. Exactly. Like I feel disappointed. I say, "My job is not going well." But if I say, "My job is not going well, I am very frustrated," people will tell me, "Brother, your job is to work and earn money. How can you be disappointed at your job? Work hard." So I don't have the power or authority to say that. So somewhere it will come out as anger. Then eventually, one day I will explode. Then I will. Right. And it will come out somewhere else. Exactly. Somewhere else. Absolutely. Because here there is no power for that. I don't think this is a problem of men and women. I think it's everyone's problem. It is everyone's problem. But I feel we always talk about how men are always told, "You know, don't feel your emotions." They are always told to focus on big things, do this, do that, all that. So men are never allowed to feel certain emotions. I also feel that men are taught to ignore emotions. Whatever negative emotion you feel, ignore it. If you feel sad, ignore it. If you feel bad, ignore it. If you feel angry, ignore it. Focus on work, something objective.

Focus on the second thing and find an escape. Right, at the same time, women are taught to suppress. It's not allowed for them to tell publicly either, it's not allowed for them to express either. They are told that, "Hey, you are feeling bad, you are disappointed. We'll just let it be, suppress it. Okay, you have to endure it. It's okay, a little bit is fine. Suffer a little. We girls are made for this, girls have to do it." So, from childhood, they are taught not to speak their emotions openly, so they keep suppressing, keep suppressing. Similarly, men are suppressed. So, I don't think showing emotions anymore is about men or women. I think this is a problem of the entire generation because both teach us the same thing. Yes, men teach the same, women also teach the same to their next generation that, "Brother, don't tell." Both have different ways. Women are taught to sacrifice, men are taught to ignore. And a very different thing, so men are distracted by saying, "Hey, do this." Women are told, "Leave it, you have to do this." Both are made to realize that it's a wrong thing, which is very, very, very wrong in our society. Because the more they tell us to suppress, the more it will burst out in some way or the other one day. Absolutely, absolutely. So, whether it's men or women, I think they should be taught and allowed to feel emotions, and their vocabulary should be increased on what you are feeling at what time. Absolutely, I think this is a very important thing. Tell me, we are talking about sadness and suppressed emotions, right? This is one of the most Googled questions, okay? Why do I feel sad when everything is going well in my life? Even after that, why do I feel sad? Right? This is a very interesting question. Like there are things like physical needs, and there are things like emotional needs. Now, let me give a small example. You are earning a lot of money, you are in a very good position, very successful in your life. But you are hungry. You haven't eaten for four hours. You are thirsty. You have a headache. You would feel angry, right? Angry, the term they use. What's the need for anger? Over a small thing, not getting food. I'll get it. I know I'll get it. I'll eat at home. Why am I getting angry about this? Everything is sorted in my life. So, what's the funda happening? That one of my physical needs, which was hunger, was not getting fulfilled. So, my body is going into a panic state. What if I don't get food in life? Because the body always thinks evolutionarily. Our brain has evolved in that way that when its primary instinct and primary need is not fulfilled, it gets scared that, "What if this extreme will happen?" So, when a basic physical need is not being fulfilled, the body goes into a panic state, it starts getting angry. That is "hangry." The same goes for emotional needs. We have some emotional needs: security, attention, vulnerability, intimacy, many emotional needs. So, we might be in a very good position in life, at a good space, but if some of our emotional needs are not being fulfilled, because of certain reasons, and that could be that I am earning a lot of money, very successful, have a good marriage going on, but what I feel is that I have nothing to share every day. A small thing, not a very big thing, what's the big deal? Not getting to talk. But that is also creating internal frustration. My, I am hungry from inside, and it's not getting fulfilled, so sadness is coming automatically. And we are thinking, why is it coming? I mean, I am in such a good state in life. So, it's very important to understand which emotional needs are not being fulfilled. Nice. And how can we understand this? Again, vocabulary. The same thing goes here as well. When you label and add to your vocabulary, "These are some of my emotional needs," then you will understand, "Oh, I am doing what to fulfill these emotional needs." And the very simple thing is that emotional needs, your stomach can be filled with pizza, or it can be filled with roti-rice. Pizza will be more enjoyable, roti-rice will be okay enjoyable, but still, if you are not getting pizza to eat every day, what would you prefer? At least fill your stomach. The same thing happens in terms of emotional needs. People say, "Oh, I don't have a partner at this point. Whom should I share my heart's thoughts with?" So, I don't share with anyone. But again, the same thing. The enjoyment with a partner, nothing better than that, nothing beats that. But if you share with a friend, share with family, or even write it down, journal it, you don't get as much enjoyment as pizza, but at least you are able to express it, right? So, you are fulfilling some bit of your emotional needs. So, add to your vocabulary and then find ways to fulfill them. All. How can someone increase their emotional vocabulary? Right? So, I will share with you here as well. There are nine emotional needs. So, the first one is security. The most basic emotional need is security, okay? What does security do for us? Where do we feel secure with our environment? For example, when do we feel physical security? Yes, when we feel that I am in my bed, and I know that I will sleep here and wake up in the morning, no tension in life, because the doors are closed, I am very, very physically secure. The world outside is going very bad, it's happening every day, something bad is happening. It doesn't affect us, right? We are enjoying. Yes, physically secure, therefore it's okay. The same goes with emotional security. When do we feel emotionally secure? When we know that I have a particular person with whom I can rely on. That could be parents, that could be a partner, that could be friends, it could be anything. So, that thing. So, emotional security. First, figure out that these are my points of emotional security. Second is attention. Now, attention is a simple point, right? That we understand this particular thing, where our attention is flowing. Oh, right. In which particular direction is it flowing, and what are we doing for it in life? Every single person is seeking attention in some way. Yes, right. In some way or the other, some are chasing through money, some are searching through lust, some through power, some through fame. Understand where your attention is diverting more. And there is nothing wrong about that. When you understand, you will start channeling it in a better way. First, figure out that particular thing. What do I need attention from? What do I need attention from? Absolutely. So that you are not impulsive in it. Eventually, what happens is that I feel that I need attention from money, okay? What's wrong with that? But if you feel that it's not a good thing either, I shouldn't run after money so much. Your mind is also saying that. Then people are telling you that you have become very greedy for money, whatever. So, the mind will say, I want to do it and I don't want to do it. You are stuck in an internal conflict. So, whenever you keep ignoring it for five days, on the sixth day, it will burst out. Again, you will react impulsively. You will buy something very strong, something very expensive, or do something, or show off, whatever. So, again, you will act in that particular way. That is security, attention. Third is control. What do we want control over, and where is our attention, focus, control going? Right? Like a simple thing is that we seek control in life, right? That my aspect of control, the parameter we talk about control, what things do we want to control? Some things are in our control, some things are not in our control. Now, for example, if we start focusing more on things that are not in our control, rather than focusing on the things that are in our control, then we will be more frustrated or stressed. And the same goes the other way. If we understand that these things are in my control and these things are not, then again, I will be much more in sync, much more at peace. We will start channeling it in a better way. So, this is an important thing. Third is control, emotional need. Fourth is meaning and purpose, right? Now, this is a very important thing, meaning. What is the meaning of our life? What is the core value that I want to build my life with? Like you are working, you are writing a book. Why are you writing a book? Know your "why," right? That I am writing a book so that people get understanding about this, and maybe through my words, someone's life can become better. But usually, this "why" can come from the above three, right? From someone. Yes, absolutely. Because if you are saying, let's say my purpose is, for example, I am writing a book, right? Why am I writing a book? So, it could be maybe I lack attention, maybe I lack control, maybe I lack financial security. Absolutely. Right. It can be anything. It is all mutual, no? We are talking, right? No, they will always be mutually dependent. Exactly, right. Okay, that's what I was saying. So, finding that meaning, purpose. And that always comes with true values. Which core values drive me, so that we can put attention there, spend time, put control there, so that we can build our life in a better way. Now, if there is no meaning and purpose in life, then we will be doing many things in life, but nothing will satisfy us, right? Earned a lot of money, but what to do with the money? I don't know. I was just earning to show the world that I have a lot of money. But I myself don't want to spend it, nor do I want to buy clothes, nor do I want to travel. Just money is accumulating. No meaning and purpose in that particular thing. Right. Next, privacy. Again, privacy means how much we are keeping our life contained within ourselves and how much we are sharing in that particular aspect. We are human beings, social animals. That means we will obviously want to share some things, discuss some things, build a particular point in society. But how much overdoing it, how much underdoing it. So, that point, how much privacy do you want to maintain in that particular thing? Next comes community. Again, like I mentioned the social animal thing, that at a particular point, every person is trying to act and attach to some community. We are all doing the same. If I am in a society, in a particular community, then I know that I have to fit in here to survive. Now, the more I try to run away from the norms of that community, the more stress I will have. Because I will constantly have to be a rebel. So, I need to understand how I am fitting into the community. And then choose the right community for me. That's the seventh one. Intimacy. Now, intimacy is not just physical. Emotional intimacy. When I say emotional intimacy, what does it mean? It means where you can emotionally connect vulnerably with someone, with whom you can have deep conversations. And what does that emotional intimacy really do? It creates a bond with us where we can be vulnerable, talk about our emotions, create an unbreakable bond, create a non-judgmental space. Again, that really feels like home. And again, it also connects to security, emotional security, right? So, that's a particular point from there. Emotional intimacy. Next is status. Status, again, like I talked about at a particular point, that every person is building status in some way for their particular thing. Which connects with the community thing. That we are building status for the community. Eventually, how much status will it be? Are we overdoing it, underdoing it? What is the right amount of status for us? So, this is a particular thing. And the last thing would be achievement, right? Achievement. That some things in our life will drive me, some things will not drive me. Right? For example, I am a kind person, so I am driven by kindness. But I am not so much driven by money, let's say. So, if I run too much after money and do very few kind activities, then I am not enjoying life. I am not feeling very happy and satisfied. But if I am earning money and at the same time, every week I go to an NGO, help children, give something to a shelter, distribute something to pets, animals, help them, I feel very happy. Because that is my core value, and that makes me feel that I have achieved something. Either small achievements, big achievements. So, that's it. These are the nine emotional needs. But knowing about these nine emotional needs is very difficult. We, very difficult. Very difficult. But this is where introspection happens. When you understand that we are all looking for nine things somewhere, right? And it's not necessary that you will be able to fulfill all nine completely at every time, at every particular point. Right? Because your mind will say, "Oh, emotional intimacy, oh no, I don't have anyone right now. Whom should I talk to?" We, we. Right? But like I mentioned, you won't get pizza every time, right? So, that particular point, if not 100%, 40%, 50%, 60%, a point where at least you are able to fulfill, at least you are able to understand, right? And at least if it's not happening because of any particular reason, because of circumstances, then at least we will also understand that, "This is what is happening with me. This is why I am feeling a little low, a little off." That will not lead me to act impulsively in other ways. This gets me to a good point. Whenever the talk of emotional intelligence comes, the talk of emotional quotient comes, people think that it means understanding other people's emotions. The one who understands others well has high emotional intelligence. And I think that is the biggest misconception. The one who understands themselves has high emotional intelligence compared to others. Because the more you understand yourself, the more you understand others. Exactly, absolutely. Because you are who you are, you reflect that, or you look for those things in others. Exactly. So, if you understand yourself, then you understand others. It's impossible that you understand others but know nothing about yourself. And I fail to understand that. How do people think like that? And so, the point here is that whenever people think, "Oh, I should understand others," start with yourself. Absolutely. Dig deeper, right? Dig deeper. Start with yourself. Because you will understand others only as much as you understand yourself. Exactly. Very accurately said. And so, my, so I have a mentor, okay? And my coach who works with me. I told him, "Oh, I feel like this thing is missing, and I have to go global from here now. I have achieved X number. Now, how do I go 10X from here?" X, Y, Z, whatever that goal was. So, he said, "Okay." [Music] "That's it." I said, "What?" He said, "You are talking about it, but you are not doing it. I was talking about that." And he told me, "This is very interesting because from my perspective, it looks like you are killing it in life, but from your perspective, you feel like something is missing." Okay. So, this looks like an identity problem. And I was like, "Meaning, I don't think I have done anything. I have to go much further from here." Something like that. So, he said, "The exercise is this. Until the next session, now there is a gap of 15 days. Until the session in 15 days, he said, "Every morning when you wake up, ask yourself one question: Who am I?" Just try to ask yourself. What is the body reacting to? What answer is coming from inside? Are you a son? Are you a father? Are you an entrepreneur? Are you a leader? Are you ambitious? Are you kind? Or do you have to write some big lines like, "I am this, the world's X person"? What comes from inside? And I think it's such a beautiful exercise to do. Everyone should do this exercise. Because the problem for the majority of people is identity. 100%. How do we see ourselves? Because the way we see ourselves, you don't see me exactly that way, or the other person who is watching me on the podcast, the viewer, doesn't see me that way. In my eyes, the way I see myself is different from how you see me versus how other people see me. And knowing that identity is very important. Absolutely, absolutely. Because everyone has soft spots, something or the other. You will touch that painful spot, only then you will know there is some problem. If you keep running away, you won't get the answer. So, I think that's a very good exercise to think internally, to go inside. Guys, start making notes because it might sound like, "Okay, what are these people talking about? How are they doing it?" But please start making notes because it's so important. It has helped me a lot in my life. I am sure it will help you a lot. And all my mentors, all the people I see who are very big, who have achieved a lot in their lives, they have also done some kind of exercise like this to actually make themselves better. So, three exercises. I am going to repeat it again. First was, we decided to do exercises to control anger, which you mentioned, right? Observe your body all the time when you get angry. Observe what you are feeling, why you are doing it. Why did I get angry? Am I becoming like someone? Am I reacting like someone? Is the behavior I showed in anger coming from somewhere? Did my father do this? Did my mother do this? Observe what you do in anger. Second is, write these nine things and ask yourself where you want these nine things from. Maybe the answers are repetitive, and it's fine. Start somewhere. And third exercise is, start asking yourself the question, "Who am I?" And when you ask this question, then you will know that, "Okay, maybe what I want to become, and what I am becoming, or where I am going, or what I want to do, all..."

There is a lot of mismatch, and because of this, somewhere deep down, I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel good. I don't feel content. Absolutely, absolutely, let's talk about parents. Absolutely, emotions and parents. So, I have noticed that all these needs, which every child feels, every person feels, that something is missing in my life. I am getting angry more. I feel frustrated more. I get irritated by every little thing. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel misunderstood. A lot of these emotions, their root, their source, depends on how your relationship was with your parents in childhood. Absolutely. And how your parents' relationship was with each other, it depends on that too. Absolutely. And how it was with you, and what they used to do, it also depends on that. Right? So, tell me, when many people talk about emotions, the first thing people say is, "Oh, my parents just don't understand me." And when you talk to parents, parents say, "Oh, this son of mine doesn't understand me. My daughter doesn't understand me." So, why does this mismatch happen? Right? I think again, it's that POV, isn't it? The point of view of understanding. A better perspective, a bigger perspective. We can't explain this thing to ourselves, neither parents nor children. That there is always a bigger way to see things. There is always a bird's-eye view of things. Right? If you look at this podcast from a camera's perspective, it will look different. From a bird's-eye view, it will look different. Right? And that will be very insignificant. Right? So, the same thing is here, that if I, as a parent, say that my children don't understand me, I am saying this because somewhere I am unable to understand what they are thinking and why they are thinking. The same goes for kids. Kids also feel that I want to do so much, but my parents, the previous generation, don't understand that life has changed. The world has changed. The world works differently now. My parents don't understand this. So, this mismatch, that we cannot understand each other's point of view, is also a skill. So, how do we bridge this? Right? Again, the most basic criterion for a skill is communication. A simple principle, when you communicate with each other, that "This is exactly what I am feeling." People don't do that. Communication sounds like a very simple answer, but in reality, people don't communicate. People try, but it doesn't happen. Yes, exactly. Now, what happens is, like I wanted to communicate, I go to my parents and say, "Oh, I am feeling this. I want to do this. I want to do that. I want to do that." My parents won't understand that particular thing. Why? Because their perspective on life is different. For example, if I talk about quitting my job to start a startup. My parents are struggling to understand this particular thing because they are seeing financial reasons or authority-related reasons, some particular reason. Let's go to that depth. What we talk about is, "I have to quit my job. I am doing this. So why don't you understand? It's such a small thing. Why can't you understand?" But we are not understanding what they are trying to say. The source of refusal, if you go deep, is often not there. Yes, this also happens. Children or parents are unreasonable. Absolutely, this also happens. Now, here, understanding that parents want you to understand. They want to tell you from this logic, from this logic, from this logic, from this logic, from this reason, that this is right or wrong for you. Children say, "No, you don't understand." And the same thing children sometimes do: "Mom and Dad, you know, because of this, this will happen. Because of this, this happens. Then because of that, that happens. In today's world, these things have happened. What more can happen? This is wrong. This is right. The world is running this way. This is how I see myself. And these are all the logics and reasons in front of you. Look, you are right." There they say, "Oh, you haven't seen the world. We have seen it. What do you know? Who are you to give advice?" Or who are you to think? This way. And in both cases, neither are ready to understand. Yes, true. In most cases, it's like this. So, the ideal case is where we go deep and understand things, and the problem is solved. The next case is where the belief system is so rigid and strong that no one is ready to understand. So, the first case was where the belief was flexible. Both had flexibility to understand. They had maturity. They understood. The second part is not flexible. It's rigid. The belief system is very strong. As you exactly used the word, "bias." When rigidity comes into belief, biases arise. Right? I would say, "Oh, I have seen the world, so I can still give advice. What world have you seen? Who are you to give advice or to think?" This is a rigid belief. I can't change now. So, now, as a kid or a friend of mine, they will have to see how capable this person is of understanding things or not. And what am I struggling with here? For example, if I see that my parents are capable at this level of building up things, of understanding them, then we will go in that direction. If there is no capability, rather, we will bring ourselves to that point where they can understand. For example, I want to start a startup. My father won't understand this particular thing. But he will understand if I bring money. If I bring money and become successful, or establish myself, then he won't have any problem. So, the problem wasn't with the startup. The problem was with the money. And he won't understand. I have noticed that many people's belief systems are so rigid, so much so that if they have accepted one way, they will continue with it. They cannot be flexible. Right? Now, maybe you said that, like earning money is a thing. I have seen cases where the father used to earn 25, 30, 40 thousand. A small job. After that, the child quit a government job, which would have given him 2 lakh rupees from the government, and started a business. It's been four or five years now, and he earns 10 lakh, 15 lakh, 20 lakh per month. Even then, today, the father is not ready to accept it. They think that he is doing something wrong here, or everything will be snatched away from him. What comes quickly also goes quickly. So, money is also not the problem. It's just the belief system. Yes, absolutely. They just don't accept it. Even today, they consider their child wrong. And examples after example in my friend circle. 100%. I think there too, if you notice this thing, that money is not the reason. Then the reason, as you exactly used the word, the phrase, "What comes quickly also goes quickly." So, what is this belief system? That there are certain things that happen at a fast pace, they will also die down accordingly. My point was, first, their belief system was that one should not leave a job. The second belief system was that if you leave a job, you won't be able to earn money. Then, when that changed, when they started earning money, then they felt it would go away. So, every few days, they find a new reason, a justification. Parents specifically, or children specifically, in which they try to safeguard their original decision due to their ego. Where does it come from? You will notice the most core reason is disrespect. If I don't respect my child as a person, because I have always kept him under authority. Me, as a father, have always put my child under my authority. I am the decision-maker. You are just a child. You are a child, I am older. So, you have to respect me. You are a child. When you grow up and achieve something in life, then I can respect you. Maybe then we'll see. But till that point, I will do everything to you. I will hit you, shout at you, scold you. I am in an authority position. So, I am not respecting the child in my own way. That "This is who you are. I can respect you the way you are." So, there's a respect gap, isn't there? So, even when the child grows up, I never had the habit of respecting this child because I was always in authority. Suddenly, the child is doing much better. But my respect, the ingredient of disrespect, my belief doesn't allow that thing to move forward. Because somewhere in my head, I want to be the alpha. I want to be the authority figure. You are earning much more than me, a much, much bigger package than me. But then how will I put myself in an authority position? So, I will find some reason. I will find some random reason to say that you are still doing wrong because I want to be in authority. And how to solve that? Children, again, if the belief system is so rigid, if the belief system is so rigid, then boundaries only help. That you have to create the right amount of boundaries with parents or anyone, so that you don't go to a place where change is not going to happen. If you see scope that it's flexible, that they will understand. After a certain point, they care for you, they understand you, they try to make an effort for that. Then do that. Then talk about it. Maybe shift a little more. Be flexible in your approach. But if you see that it's so rigid, like in many states, it happens that inter-caste marriage is not allowed. It's not about how good a partner you are bringing. The point is that it's inter-caste, so it's not allowed. It's rigid. So, no matter how good a partner you bring, how successful you become, how happy you are, they will find some opportunity to find fault with you. So, again, there, create boundaries. You know that this is the right partner for me. Do that. So, that particular point is important. And the same if we look from the parents' point of view. Right? I have seen many cases where fathers want, mothers want, that the child should do something, and children say, "Oh, we will do this, we will do that, etc., etc." And they are living their lives on random passions, randomly, randomly things, or they are lazy, or they are undisciplined, or they are not doing anything. And because of this, they remain rigid, and they don't change. They think that their family's approach is useless. What do we need to do? Why do we need to do it? And if we have to do it, then just a little bit. Whatever is right. For some reason, parents are right, and they want the child's life to be made. But the child doesn't want to make it. So, how should parents change the child in this situation? In this particular sense, what happens is, parents make a mistake. They don't want to let go of hand-holding. Either due to being overprotective, or they think, "I have resources, so why should I ignore my children? Why shouldn't I fulfill my children's needs?" So, you have accustomed them, somewhere from childhood, that "No problem, take this too. No problem, do this too. Oh, you need this much money? Come, take it. No problem, take it. Oh, you want to go for a trip? No problem, go for a trip." So, somewhere, we have created a habit. Suddenly, at the age of 25, we are saying, "Now go and do some work." It won't happen in a day. Right? So, you need to shift gradually. Then, here, suppose you have done it till 25. Now, what next? So, here too, give them options to explore in a way. And gradually give them space to build themselves. That even today, if you are sending them 50,000 rupees a month to spend, and still saying, "No problem, keep searching for a job," then maybe they won't search for a job. Because their needs are being fulfilled. If you stop the 50,000, completely stop it? You can't stop it completely, can you? That will also create resentment. If you suddenly say it, then you will become enemies of that particular child. Gradually, I mean, gradually start putting responsibilities on them. That it is your responsibility that the household groceries will come from your money. It's a small responsibility, but they will get the need. Okay, this is my responsibility. It's not a very big burden, but maybe I will do something about it. Then escalate it. Then give them some particular responsibilities. And the very simple thing, the more responsibilities a person takes on, the more systematically they grow, the more they start taking ownership. But that child will say, "Yes, I'll do it. Send me 50,000 for now." Yes, no. Yes, that's the same thing. We need discipline there then. Because what else? We have to break that. Up to what point should they keep giving 50,000? Ideally, it should be left in childhood. Now, it's 25 years old. This is the problem. In India, specifically, we expect that by 25, they should be on their own feet and life should change completely. Right? And that doesn't happen. So, in that, the children are also at fault, parents are at fault, everyone is at fault. Established. Now, what? Now, because the parents' intention is right, they want them to grow up well. Because they can see the future that when they are 50 years old, they will be struggling somewhere. And we don't want that. Right? So, what to do? Wait, as I mentioned, we have to gradually add responsibilities in life so that they start taking ownership themselves. But when do I stop the money? Is the question. Stopping 50,000 at once, I would say, will add a lot of resentment on both levels. It won't work for you either. It will make you feel guilty. It will make the child feel resentment. Reduce 50 to 40, 40 to 30, 30 to 20, so that you add responsibilities. Reduce this. Reduce the money. And this is a slow process, so that in a slow way, a person adapts. They get an opportunity to deal with that thing. Process. You automatically react in a particular way. But what happens is, when you get used to a particular thing, it doesn't impact you that much. Oh, 50 became 40. Okay, still fine. So, you keep seeing gradually that, okay, I am fine. Plus, also, I need to push myself a little. I will find something else. Now, I only have to earn 10, not much more. I only have to earn 10. Let's do it. You have created a habit for that child to start working for 10. Discipline comes from there. When they start earning 10, they will feel, "Oh, I am earning 10, so I can earn 20 too." Then you go to 20. So, with this, you are also adding discipline, adding habit, and somewhere reaching that point where, without a lot of resentment, the son and the child. In the family business scenario, how will it be? Like, if the child is in the family business, not in the business. Meaning, they go, sit, eat two samosas, and come back. Again, there, there won't be financial responsibilities. There will be physical responsibilities. For example, my shop is for shoes. Right? My family's shop is for shoes. So, I will be given the responsibility of social media management, let's say. That you manage social media. How to bring? You have added a set of responsibilities. So, it's connecting with the child. Something the child likes. And somewhere, you are also giving them that they have to create so much attraction from this. And give them the opportunity to grow, develop, evolve. I still don't know if this is the right way to solve it or not, honestly, because there are many dynamics. [Music] [Music] They sit and come home. The mother says, "He just sits here, doesn't do anything." And it's a dynamic that is very complicated. We talked about communication, but in reality, what happens is that there are many [Music] complications. In extremes, either black or either white. Second thing, a lot of resentment, a lot of criticism also follows. Criticism never makes things better. We feel that by putting negative emotions into them, we will make the child feel something. "Feel something, you shameless person, sitting at home. It's already 9 o'clock, you haven't woken up. What are you doing, man?" With such criticism, constantly, we feel that we are pushing, fueling through negative statements, giving motivation. At least for that reason, they should get up. But that doesn't help. Communication, talk about the feelings, understand what is really happening, and create a positive and very environment where you can create it. But again, like complications. According to that, the solution is then created. You rightly said, when your own people start doubting you, or start abusing you, or insult you, then stay away from them. We, we, absolutely. Because the spirit should not break. If anyone is trying to break your morale, stay away from them. Because relationships can be rebuilt. Absolutely. You will regain the respect of people who doubt you today. You will change them. But if your morale breaks today, then you won't be able to rebuild your morale. Absolutely. So, whoever is trying to break your morale, stay away from them. Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Specifically from family members. Yes, creating boundaries is very important. What are they better at showing emotions? I think somewhere, in that process, they have confidence in this part.

We can mean explain with Vider B Jad but part of that also comes that introverts are better at processing emotions, we extroverts are better at expressing emotions. Introverts are better at processing emotions. Extroverts, anything is being presented without processing. No, that's not necessary, but often it also happens that internally, often time is needed for processing. You need some time to reflect upon that thing, think about that particular thing. Introverts are a bit better at that than extroverts because they spend more time with themselves. Extroverts are the opposite in that particular sense. So, who is more emotionally intelligent? Yes, I think we cannot say definitively who is better. It depends on the person at the end of the day, how they are handling things. If they are aware, they will do better. But don't you think that because introverts, because extroverts, if they are able to express their emotions better, then they will get things more easily in life? 100%, that's it. For example, if an extrovert wants a promotion, they will get it faster because they can express what they are feeling, how they are feeling, when they want to say it. Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Yes, so it's an added advantage with them. Absolutely, it is. It is. But again, expression won't always be nice in a particular sense. It won't always give you an advantage. It's okay. Sometimes it becomes over, dicey. Yes, no, but it is true that they get more responsibilities and opportunities compared to introverts because they can speak about what they want. Yes, introverts often don't. So they wait for the situation to arise, then they will see, they will try. They don't take initiative. So that point comes. Okay, tell me, how do two people strengthen a relationship? One of the big problems of our generation has become that the word emotional intelligence, first of all, has just become a word. That is first. Second is, people feel that partners are emotionally unavailable. Forget intelligent. So first, tell me a definition of what emotional unavailability means. And then second, we will come to how someone can build a strong bond with their partner. Right. So when we talk about emotional unavailability, people often use it as a generic term. They say, my partner is emotionally unavailable. But in reality, are they emotionally unavailable to you, or are they truly emotionally unavailable? That's a very good question to ask. So, emotional unavailability can be in two ways. First, the person is truly emotionally unavailable, they don't even know what emotions are, how to express them, how to observe them. Second, that person is only becoming emotionally unavailable to you because they truly don't want to build that level of intimacy with you. Meaning, they only want a physical relationship with you, they don't want to be emotional with you. It's clear to them. It's clear to them. But it's not becoming clear to you. You feel that maybe, maybe if they do this, then maybe we will get closer. If they do this, then maybe we will get closer. People change very little. See, if from day one, it's decided that people have said, "I am going into this relationship for this person. I am going into this relationship for this person," and it doesn't change. It can change, absolutely. But if your intention itself is that "no, I don't want to do this particular thing," you are very focused and very decided on that particular thing, then there are very few chances of changing. And often, if it does change, then you will see changes in behavior. The problem is, I have created an idea in my mind that I want this person. Right. So I am fixated on that idea. So I am not studying their behavior. Are their behaviors truly aligning with their words, with their actions? Probably not. So it's also important to study that behavior. What we do is we study the excitement. The person is showing a lot of excitement towards me. Maybe he loves me. We are reading between the lines. But they are clearly telling through their behavior and words that they don't want you. So that particular point of understanding that a person communicates many things, you are not able to read them. God, right. So being able to observe exactly where you are headed there. Okay, give me an example. Make it basic. What two or three things can people say to their partners that indicate that this person is emotionally available versus this person is not? They are often good listeners. They often are good listeners. They take the time to observe you, understand you, listen to you very, very well. This is the first thing. Second, they listen and understand things. Now, in one way, it's listening and letting it go in one ear and out the other. The second way is, I am listening, I am processing, forming an informed opinion of you, and behaving accordingly, acting accordingly. Right. So I talked about you liking these things, I liking these things. Finally, I formed an opinion that, okay, you like this thing. Then my next reaction, conversation, may be about that thing. It shows that I am emotionally capable of understanding and getting in some information as well. Right. And the third thing, the most basic thing, again, comes here: what is the depth of that particular person regarding emotions? For example, you are feeling emotionally weak, feeling low, in some way. You are going down at that particular moment. So the person is able to find ways to cope up with that particular thing as well, and not go to that extreme point of escaping from it. Like you are saying, "Oh, I am feeling very low, I felt very bad, the boss scolded me." "No problem, let's go party." Doing the right things at the right time also indicates how in touch that person is with emotions. So when you understand that this person is truly feeling sad because the boss scolded them, then at that point, I need to be a good listener, not go party. I feel internally that partying will make everything right. But somewhere, it tells me about myself, that I also do this to myself. Right. So this also tells about the depth of what exactly you carry and how you handle your own emotions and processes as well. But again, more than questions, it is more about observation. Okay. We often get stuck on, "Ask these five questions, you will know everything about your partner." But in reality, it's like, don't ask any questions. Just observe how the person is reacting and responding to different situations. Just observe how truthful they are to themselves, to you as well. So when you observe small things, you will start to understand what the person is. And then automatically, your opinion will start to form about that person, whether I should move forward or not. So observation is a very important thing. Got it. Do you feel that people are not able to build strong bonds, and it's difficult to build deep relationships these days? Absolutely. Why is this happening? See, the first reason for this is that we have painted an ideal picture of relationships in the world, in movies, and in books. Couple goals. Couple goals are couple goals, and this is what an ideal couple looks like. So when you are entering a relationship, you are entering with this mindset that my relationship should be so happy, so jolly, so exciting, so truthful, like these couple goals. So when you are entering, you are not signing up for those conflicts and those fights. Being bored with your partner is the best litmus test for your relationship. If you can be bored with your partner, that's the best. Then, right? So that's the point. But yes, the point I was making is that an ideal picture has been painted of relationships. So when the other person is entering a relationship with this ideal picture, they feel that these fights and all are not good. I don't sign up for this particular thing. So they start to run away. But when there is an idea that relationships are supposed to be difficult and tough, the truth is that you are meeting another person who is of a different gender, in most cases, of different conditioning, of different belief systems, of different ideas, different philosophies. You are coming together initially, there is a lot of excitement, a lot of attraction. You are connecting on common points, on common points, and excitement, attraction, lust. You are connecting, vibing, having fun. As the honeymoon phase ends, those differences will start to show. So if you are not ready to accept those differences or bridge them, then you will only have fights and fights. And this is what generally happens in cases. You will notice that for six months, they say, "Internship is going on more, relationships are not going on." The same reason is the honeymoon phase. People start to see the differences. People get scared. Now what will happen? How will it happen? How will we manage? A very big difference has come. Very big red flags have appeared in the relationship. And then we kind of start to run away from those particular things. But that's why, I think everyone should create a chart. And it's like values, motivation, what do I want long-term? What do I want short-term? A chart of these four things should be made for yourself. Yes, what do I value the most today? These three things. What motivates me the most from these three things? What is my need in the short term? These three things. What is my need in the long term? These three things. All regards to my relationship, work, and life. Yes, every area of life. Yes, right. And write that down. And then you will get a very clear picture that, okay, I want to enter a relationship because I want a long-term partner who will build with me. Or I want to enter a relationship because I want a long-term partner who will take care of my family. I want a relationship in the long term that is my equal. Or I just want it for short-term, right now, for physical needs. And I am calling it anything by calling it nonsense. Right. And now, if I want a long-term relationship partner, then this value system is most important to me. This should be there, this should be there, this should be there. Like, there are friends of mine where a guy wants the kid, the girl doesn't want the kid. The girl wants the kid, the guy doesn't want the kid. And it's going on that both are working partners. And then, but they never discussed the beautiful relationship. They have been together for four or five years. They never discussed this. They got married. And now, in two years, they are fighting like dogs. That's a very beautiful point to actually mention that when you observe that I want these things, I don't want these things, then you will be able to put the right expectations in front of your partner as well. So you will be honest with yourself and with your partner. Otherwise, later on, differences will obviously be seen. At least at that point, you won't be shocked. You will know beforehand that this is what I am signing up for. And these expectations are normal. And here, where do people make the biggest mistake? I'll tell you. Even after this happens, everyone will make mistakes. We all must have done it. And it happens that you write your value chart. And then a partner comes who is different from you. You know they are different. You know they don't have the things you want. They are motivated by different things, or motivated by different things. And still, you make yourself believe that, "Oh, somehow it will work out." Yes. And then they also believe it. You also believe it. And both are thinking, "Oh, somehow it will work out. She will balance a little, I will balance a little, something will happen." In most cases, it doesn't work out because they can't change. And then one day, one of the people has to take a hard step. And in that situation, both start to hate, start to resent. But both don't realize that what happened was for the best. It's better to call it off in six months than to drag it for years and then realize. But how much we lose. No matter how much you make someone emotionally strong, mature, intelligent, at one point, someone will come who will tear apart all your lies. 100%. And then we are like, "Okay, I will make it work. I will make it work. I will change him. I will change her." And all that will happen. And then, true, true. See the truth. The truth is that love makes you blind. Oh, yeah. And it will always make you blind. No matter how great or emotionally intelligent a person you are, love is going to make you blind. But if you make a decision after you have become blind, then you can make a better decision. But once you make a decision while you are in the blind stage, then you are gone. Then you are gone. Yeah. True. So make a decision once the blindfold has been removed. Then think about where you want to go, how you want to go. To early can lead you to make a decision in a very impulsive state. Right. So observe first. You know, I have a problem with this statement. Love is blind. I don't think love is blind. I think love is dumb. Love is stupid. Love is not blind. Love happens by seeing, understanding, feeling, everything happens. Right. You don't fall in love with someone whom you don't get good feelings seeing. So it's not blind. Yes. Right. Dumb. You are stupid. Yes. Because love is delusional. 100%. So love is not blind. Love is delusional. Love makes you do things which you are not thinking logically. And all these talks are nonsense. That the voice was coming from the heart, coming from inside. Nothing happens. The heart is nothing. Exactly. The brain trains the heart, and that's what happens next. So it's, and by the way, it's completely fine. Yes, 100%. And it's completely fine. You will be delusional. But don't make that delusion your identity. Don't make any major decisions because of that delusion. And don't justify the short-term decisions made because of that delusion and stretch that relationship. Yes, absolutely. 100%. Love is a beautiful place to be as well. It's fun. Got it. Great. It is to be there. Yes. Right, right. But yes, don't make it your identity. Like you exactly said, when you make it your identity, then you will feel that this is everything, and I have to pull it through somehow. That should not be the case. You know, we were talking about why people are not able to build stronger relationships. I think people are not able to build strong bonds because of emojis. These emojis have killed our ability to show emotions. We do this: if we are confused, we say "haha." If we don't know what to respond, then "haha." If we are laughing a lot, then "haha." If we are not laughing, then "haha." If we didn't want to hurt someone, then "haha." Like everywhere, we have "haha," "this," "that," four emojis so that we don't have to think about how to convey what I am feeling in this particular situation through language. A very good point. So every emoji is killing your ability to actually express and explain to you with the depth that I should, that's why strong relationships are not being built. Stop using like a lot of emojis, man. Right, right, right. Improve the way you communicate and the way you express. Because the way you express will not only define how deep your relationship will be, but it will also define how much you understand yourself and the other person. Absolutely. And this ability is killing. It's not even giving us a chance to process, nor a chance to communicate. Second reason, I think these messages, through text, are killing strong bonds. We. So texting gives you time to think a lot. It gives you time to ignore. Yes, absolutely. It gives you time to hide your real intentions and real emotions. Yes. So when you are not real, you are not intentionally telling what you want to do, and you are not responding with what comes naturally to you, and you are not responding in the emotion in which you felt it. Absolutely. So your overall ability to process every moment gets deteriorated. True. Very often, it happens that we don't want to do something, but still, we say yes to people, "Okay, let's do it." Because we are afraid of saying no. So why does this happen? Right. See, if it's a very chronic issue where you can't say no anywhere, that is primarily a self-worth issue. That you see the world, you see everyone else, as more worthy than yourself. That everyone in the world is better than me, and they are in a better place than me. So I don't have the situation or option or opportunity to refuse them. Problem or power problem. That they are much more powerful than me, and who am I? What can I say to them? Second fear is that the relationship will break. That if I say no, maybe this relationship will end. So from the beginning, I am building a foundation in the relationship in such a way that I don't get the opportunity to say no. I don't get the opportunity to say no. And a point comes where I think, "Now I will start speaking." So if I speak, the relationship will truly break. Because they got used to your way of acting. And then we say, "Oh, no, absolutely not. I tried once, and the relationship got ruined." Right. So that thing, again, toning down the formality in a particular way, where you stand, how you don't. So it's primarily a self-worth issue. It's always thinking about what the other person will think of me. Yes. Yes. And what if they think wrongly? Because of this, we can't say no. We. Absolutely 100%. It makes people angry. It's. Yes, a lot of frustration builds up. Because you are not talking about your needs. You are just busy impressing others. How to solve it? Again, here, as I said, the problem of self-worth is like a light. So you have to work on that. Do things which make you feel that I am worthy enough as well. Now, this is something that if I say it, if I write it on paper, "I am worthy," you won't feel worthy, and you won't be worthy. You need to give your brain the proof that you are really worthy. And that comes through achievement. What we were talking about emotional needs. Achievement. You need to achieve something and make yourself feel that this achievement is actually good enough. And that achievement doesn't mean earning 10 crore. Achievement also means that I made a very good dish today, and I can compliment myself on this that I made very good food today. I feel very nice. And I did a great job. Right. I did a great job. So being able to say these small words to yourself. Because it's an interesting antidote. People often behave awkwardly as if they are not ready to accept. What did you say? Is it really true? Right. So they don't know how to accept those compliments. They don't give them to themselves, nor do they know how to take them from the world. For them, the starting point is to start accepting compliments for yourself at one particular point in time. Start from spaces where you know that you have nothing to lose at all. Or right. So from here, the habit will form. Then start doing it in places where you think you will lose something. That is just in your head. Maybe. Then start from there. Then slowly, repetitively, work slowly where you can give proof to your brain that this is actually helping me succeed. Because what your brain thinks is, if I can't do this, and if I say no, if I stand up for myself, then everything will go out of my hands. So that's your brain's proof. And they are strongly connected to that particular proof. So it's all the reason why it's in that particular way. True. Becoming emotionally intelligent, what happens? What difference will it make in my life? Why should I focus so much? Why is this topic important to me? Right. Better relationships, better decisions, better emotional awareness, and confidence in whatever you do, more fulfillment in life. That in every phase of your life, points will come where you will start to see improvement. That, oh, the previous case in relationships has become defensible because I can understand myself, I can assert my needs to the other person, because I can know what my needs were. You know, I had a [music] YouTube video for 10 years. And that became the strong foundation of my life. That video said that if you don't know the answers to these three questions, then as a human being, no matter what you do in life, you will not be able to become very successful. We. The first is, what do you want in life? Because if you don't even know what you want, then every day you will wake up, work hard, but you will keep running around aimlessly. You don't even know what's going on. And you will remain unfulfilled, no matter what you do. Absolutely. Right. Second is, how badly do I want to achieve what I want? How intensely do I want to achieve it? Because that will decide how urgently you want it. We. Otherwise, you will say, "Yes, I want this," but "we'll see." I don't want it badly enough. Because you want 50,000 things. One thing that you want, that you want very badly, needs to be decided. How badly do you want it? Absolutely. And third, and the most important, is that this thing that I want. Right. How much am I willing to suffer for it? What am I willing to sacrifice? How much pain am I willing to take? Because that will decide how obsessed you actually are with your thing, or how badly you want it. The answer to this will be found, so that when you have to see some sacrifice to get something, then you won't feel bad. You will feel that I was decided on this. I was ready for this. Absolutely. So without these three, you can be successful, right? But then you will have to wait for God and karma. That one day will come, brother, maybe something will happen, then it will happen. But in most cases, things don't happen on their own for people. So they have to make it, build it. So they will build it themselves. And if they give answers to all three, then it's much better. Otherwise, Jai Mata Di. Absolutely. Absolutely. Very wisely said. You write your destiny in terms of your decision-making. With every small decision, you are writing your destiny. Yes. Right. And the more consciously you do it, the more consciously you are building your destiny. You are doing it in the air. You are taking every decision in the air. So destiny is also built in the air. You will think, "What's going to happen next?" I myself don't know what's going to happen next. Right. But the more consciously you are building things, building destiny, making decisions, the more you will know that this is going to happen, these challenges are going to come, I will face them in this way. So you will be much more in control of your life. Yes. And with control, you must know how badly you want the thing you want. Because if this is not there, then when it doesn't come from hunger, then yes, no matter what you do, you can't make big changes. True. It's very important. Very, very, very important. Absolutely. Absolutely. Very wise. Perfect. How was your experience? How was the podcast? I loved it. The questions were pretty, pretty interesting, and we had a very good conversation. I feel that a very good conversation happened. Thank you so much for coming here. Thank you so much for doing [music] this. How do you pronounce your full name? Shivam. There is no full name. Shivam. It's been like this since childhood. I mean, that's the biggest shock. Obviously, on the passport, everywhere, it's just Shivam. So there's no last name. Wow, man. That's going to be very awkward. Shivam, how are you? Thank you so much for watching this episode till the end. Now you have to do three things. Number one, subscribe to this channel right now. Because one subscribe from you helps us a lot in making this channel bigger. And the bigger this channel is, the better and bigger guests we will be able to bring for you. Number two, tell me in the comments what notes you made today and what you learned from this podcast. Number three, definitely share this episode with at least one person. Because one conversation is enough to change someone's life, to bring a positive change in their life. It's very important to deliver the right conversation to them. I will see you next time. H [music]