Transcription
Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Helpers Here podcast. A big part of the Beyond Compulsion method is correcting junky thoughts. These are thought patterns that come from the addicted part of the mind. They are attempts by the addicted part of the mind to try and get people to engage in their compulsive behavior. We're going to be reading out a few of these thoughts and correcting them as well. So Mary, welcome back as always. Ready to get into some junky thoughts?
Sure am.
Good stuff. Let's do it then. All right. So, these are from some clients a few months ago. I think we did a podcast about these another time already, but want to go into these in a little bit more detail. Right. Um, there's quite a lot here, but we'll just take them one by one, nice and slow, and have some solid corrections. It's a little bit like free therapy, but miles better. So, hopefully it's going to help someone out. Right, first one.
Oh man, this is going to be hard not to give in today. Hard not to give in today. I think that "not" bit is important. Do you want to talk a little bit about the "not," Mary, when it comes to the Beyond Compulsion method?
Yeah. Well, what are you choosing to do and why? Because if you're not going to do something, there's going to be resistance. "I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it." Like willpower, right? And then it's "I will do whatever the hell I please," right? Um, but the thing is is "I'm not going to give in today." That's not that's not in the moment either. Today is like later today, but tonight, what you know, when it's like when everything we do is in the moment, right? You're going to make a choice in the moment. Are you giving in right now or are you thinking it through and making a choice? Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's in the future. Future thinking. Standard junky thinking. It's interesting you say that because I think when you really boil down what we're all about, it's really about making choices and doing something in the present moment. So what's the opposite of that? Thinking about what you're not going to do outside of the present moment. That is literally the opposite of everything that we focus on.
What you're choosing to do in the present moment. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Exactly right.
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of how junky thoughts often work. Like if you look at them in the right way, you'll see that most of them are about the past, most of them, you know, about the future, or they're about not doing something which doesn't actually exist.
Right?
Yeah. And if the junky thought is in the future now, not only are you having a junky thought, which is a desire, right? Now you're going to have anxiety on top of it because you're thinking into the future where you have no control over it. So now an unanswerable question as well. Am I going to relapse later today or whatever it is? You know, it's add add anxiety, add feelings of deprivation, add feelings of helplessness all to the process which are all going to harm you, not help you.
Yeah, exactly. And you don't have any power over the future or the past. You can't control it.
All right, let's go through uh let's go through another one. So after having this education, you'll be fine if you relapse. So this is from a client inside the Beyond Compulsion Academy sharing junky thoughts, right? Um, so thinking that because you've now maybe got the script, you've got the education now it's going to be fine if you relapse in the future. Right.
Well, I don't want to I don't want to get into the script itself, but this if you're using the script, it's going to debunk literally everything you just said. you know, it's it's it's going to it's we've taught you completely the opposite of what that junky thought is presenting.
So, yeah, it's that that one's full-on [ __ ] It's like, boy, have you learned anything type of junky thought.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing with a lot of junky thoughts is you kind of just look at, well, what would the opposite to this be? And if you know what the opposite of it is, then you're going to be good. And I mean the script is going to be the opposite of it. Like that's what the script's designed to do.
So let's do another one.
Ah, right now we are using willpower. That's quite an interesting one. So probably feeling some sort of resistance. And that's again where you just would need to get back into the script and think through that it is choice, which is what the script's designed to do. It's a choice. And you're not using willpower when you really acknowledge that this is a choice and you can engage in the behavior because it's it's a choice at that point and uh you don't have to have all that like scary sort of resistance and it may be uncomfortable but you don't have to stop engaging in the behavior. You you can engage in it and when you know that's a choice like fully then it's just about making that choice in that specific moment that you have the desire and use your segue. What am I choosing to do and why? There's no willpower in "What am I choosing to do and why?" It's what you are choosing to do.
Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Other than like, "What am I not doing right now?" Um, which is where it gets quite uncomfortable. You get the resistance. You feel like you're maybe doing something wrong and you feel like you're using up all this energy. But but if you're actually doing something, it's it's not it's not the same sort of feelings that are going on.
Not at all. If you're making these videos, you can't watch porn. All right. So, this is from a client who has also created some videos talking about porn addiction recovery. Um, in fact, he won't mind me saying who it is at all. I know he won't. And I'll check with him before we post it. But yeah, this is from Joe. So, you know, you know Joe who does that. He also does.
I figured that.
videos, right? So, yeah, this thought is if he's making the videos now, you can't watch porn, sort of thing. Um, which I get because that's where the addict part of the mind's going to go. It's like, now I'm setting this example. Now I'm talking about porn addiction recovery. Now I'm leading as an expert on this stuff. So now I can't watch porn. But that again isn't true. You can. It's just there are consequences, right?
Yeah. It's uh it's completely standard junky thinking that we warn or I mean deprivation thinking that we warn people about all the time. you know, if they're going to tell their wife, tell their girlfriend, whatever, tell their friends, "I've stopped doing this," right? And now this guy's publicly saying, "I've stopped doing this." So, of course, that junky thinking is going to come up. You know, now I'm representing this, so now I really can't do it. You know, it's like, it reminds me of watching Oprah Winfrey always like gaining her weight back when she was like writing a book on for people on how to lose weight. She got like a publisher for that book and it's like, well, now she's really lost weight telling people how to lose weight. Of course, she's on GLP1s now, but, you know, so then then she'd gain all her weight back. Of course, it's like, "Oh my god, I can't I can't gain my weight back because I've told everybody I'm like the icon of weight loss." But then of course she gains all her weight back, right? Because she's got that deprivation thinking to add to the to to the problem.
Yeah.
I've said it on our group calls a few times inside Beyond Compulsion Academy where I'm just like, um, guys, like even though I run this program and I have a podcast and this is my full-time job and this is like kind of my life is helping people stop watching porn. I'm like, I could literally leave this group call right now and go and watch porn. Like, that's always going to be a choice for me.
Doesn't mean I'm going to do that. Doesn't mean there's not severe severe consequences. It's always a choice though, right? And it's so empowering to know that at all times, which is why I feel so in control of myself, right?
Yeah. Let's do another one then. Um, in fact, we we spoke about that one before actually on the podcast. I remember doing it. But let's go over it again. It's so hot today. You need to outlet that steam. Do you remember that?
No.
You know, you need to do what to the steam?
Outlet.
Outlet. You need an outlet for the steam.
Yeah. Yeah. What does that have to do with pornography?
Yeah, I don't know. I think you said that before.
We get some hot weather here. It's like, oh yeah, I think I'm gonna go do some porn and see if I can. My air conditioner's broke today, so I'm going to go do some porn. That'll help.
I know. That's that's I mean, well, you know, the thing is is when you really stand up to the addictive part of the mind and you think it through, you think through all your desires, you think through all your junky thinking, it says desperate stupid [ __ ] like that, you know, just trying to be like, okay, it's hot. Yeah. Okay, so although, you know, there's certain like nostalgic type of things, a change in the weather can bring up desires, just where you kind of go back in time and you feel reminiscent or different. That can bring up desires. But not going to doesn't have anything to do with releasing steam or whatever, you know.
Just a junky thought. Yeah.
Ah, you won't be seeing them later. So, you have this evening to yourself. Sounds like a good time to peak, right?
You won't be seeing pool later.
I don't know. I'm guessing at some point he had some plans and then the plans maybe got cancelled. So, now he's got time to himself. So now it's a good time to have a peek.
Yeah. Have a peek. You know, the thing is is let's bring all this [ __ ] in at the beginning and at the end and all that stuff when the only thing that's relevant is the peak. "I'm going to peek," right? Trying to get you so distracted from the fact that if you peek, you're going to relapse. You know, because it's all about seeing somebody later or whatever, which is not even relevant to it. But it's the addictive part of the mind trying to bring all this other stuff into the situation and then be like, "So, so peak now, you should peak now because of all this other stuff rather than if you peak, you're going to relapse."
Yeah. Yeah. You know what's interesting about like all these thoughts, right? And I want to just kind of have a pause because there's there's a few more to go through. But it's quite cool because these thoughts are from like months ago at this point. This was like back in summer, like when it was actually hot instead of like freezing cold here in England. But um, like since then, like Joe's dealt with every single thought that he's had like this since he's had these thoughts. And these were just a collection of thoughts that he once had at a moment in time months ago. Since then, we've like to Cardiff, done a video together. I think he's been on the podcast again with us since, like he comes to like the group call sometimes to time. I I have some chats with him now and then. And it's like it's so cool to see that that's all these thoughts are just like thoughts that come from the addictive part of the mind after a moment in time and you don't have to act on them. And like Joe is just like perfect evidence of that. Like he's thriving. He's making these cool like YouTube videos himself now. And these are his thoughts and it's like I've had countless junky thoughts myself in the past. You know, I've shared a lot of mine on the podcast as well. And it's like,
Yeah.
these are your thoughts. And it's it's so valuable to see them for what they really are because they just lose so much power when you can verbalize them. And it's something we really encourage inside the Beyond Compulsion Academy is to have the right training, have the education on these kind of thoughts and then actually start to like talk through them and expose the addictive part of the mind to go, "Actually, I'm in control here. These are just [ __ ] thoughts. I'm good. So I know what to do at all times." So I just want to leave that there as well for listeners because I do think it's so important to face the addict part of the mind directly and anyone can do this. It's just a skill that requires training and unfortunately, it's a skill that we we provide through the Beyond Compulsion Academy. Um, now let's go on to another junky thought.
Porn life was kind of fun back then though, wasn't it?
Yeah. Well, maybe it was, you know, but the thing is is things can start out seeming fun, but you can't deny the negative consequences that come with pornography use. It wasn't like, oh, every now and then you're going to go use porn and oh, that was fun or whatever. It just deteriorates really quickly into a real living hell, you know. So, and and as a junky thought, well, okay, it was fun back then, so I should do it now. Or they're just reminiscing, you know.
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, it was fun back then. Are you wanting to do it right now? Well, then deal with that with your script, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Past thinking, isn't it really? Um, I think as well, like a lot of glamorization, you know, people think that watching porn is better than it is. And I think before you engage in it, you can put it on a bit of a pedestal and think it's this great thing because it's that anticipation of engaging in it, which the addictive part of the mind is trying to conjure up. It's trying to like get you all excited and put it as this like thing that's amazing. But when you actually choose to engage, you realize, ah, actually, this isn't that good. You're just getting temporary relief from the discomfort of withdrawal. It sounds and it sounds like a junky thought if you are kind of glamorizing back then or whatever because it was fun or whatever because I think of like, um, have you ever dated a loser? I mean, I have.
Yeah. Like when I was younger, like I've dated a few losers, right? I've been dumped by a few losers. Okay. I can just think of two specifically that were just losers, right? And then like in the moment, you know, when I'm getting down to it, I'm like, "Oh my god, I think I'm going to die if I don't have this person and connect with them and whatever and get them to love me or some [ __ ] you know, but then as I get beyond it, you know, and deal with it or whatever, then I got to look back and go, "Oh my god, I wouldn't even admit to anyone that I ever dated this person." I mean, there's nothing like, "Oh, that was fun. Oh, that was this. Oh, that was that." I can see it like really super clearly like, "Good lord, Mary, what the hell were you doing?" You know, and but and I think if you get far enough past the porn addiction, that you're not going to go back and go, "Oh god, that was just such a little party for me," you know, you're going to be you're going to be clear. You're going to go, "Yeah, that sucked and I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore."
Yeah. Yeah. That's such a good point, you know, cuz it makes me think of the kind of content that I ended up looking at when I was like really in the addiction and like it honestly just it makes me feel sad like that I'd actually look at such things. Like it just was so far away from like real healthy sexuality in any way. Like it was just the most extreme stuff I could find really on like YouTube and Instagram and Tik Tok. And it was all designed to make me feel [ __ ] about myself. Like there's nothing fun about any of that. It was just addiction. That's all it was. It was just me, you know, having this anxiety and and feeling, you know, sort of pretty disgusting about myself and then wanting to fuel further feelings of shame as I'm getting out of the discomfort of withdrawal. So, yeah, it's really not that fun overall. I mean, if you really get into it, you'll realize how harmful it was, and you can start to look at it through a different lens entirely. Here's another junky thought then.
Damn, imagine how high you'll feel when that rush hits. Again, it's it's future thinking. It's so far away from the present moment. And the "rush hits" part is interesting because it's really about getting out of that temporary discomfort that you're in in that moment when you're really going through with withdrawal or you know, you're really involved in that psychological emotional dependency on the mind, mood, or an experience. And it seems like this amazing great thing, but again, in reality, it's it's this behavior which isn't serving you in any real way at all. Do you want to elaborate on that a bit more, Mary?
Yeah, exactly. It's it's um it's all just part of the glamorizing, you know, that that that's the addictive part of the mind is going to do that. And and you and when you when you're calling it a high, you know, like a high, oh, it's going to be really great. It's going to be really great rather than like you said, it's it's the temporary relief from that withdrawal. Well, when you're in that withdrawal, especially in the peaks of withdrawal when it's like super intense, it's going to feel like very, I mean, fleeting relief, but it's going to feel intense. The relief is going to feel intense too because the withdrawal, the feel, the discomfort of withdrawal is intense. You know, the more intense it is, the more it's going to feel relief, like that relief, but knowing that that is extremely temporary. I mean, fleeting at best, and then followed by extreme lows, right? If if you choose to engage and get out of that temporary discomfort, then you got to then you also have the extreme lows.
Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And I think as well with the porn in particular, talking about like the rush of it, I think it's worth acknowledging that even if you're not in the withdrawal, like it can be this very overstimulating sort of anxiety-provoking experience where it may feel like a rush, but it's not actually a healthy feeling. And I think the addicted part of the mind tries to glamorize that experience. I know what that's like as well because I remember when I used to watch porn a lot. I I I sort of convinced myself when I was in the addiction that that feeling was a really good thing. But I think I look at it through a different lens again, you know, today. It's like it's it's kind of a scary feeling if anything. It's maybe exhilarating, but it's not a good feeling. It's just like you're it's almost like you are high in that moment, I guess, on like a really extreme drug.
Yeah. Yeah. A rush does sound positive.
You know. It does sound positive, a high, a rush, you know, it's like, but it really it's it's an intense feeling.
Yeah. Yeah.
And and again, temporary relief when you're in a an in in an an intense peak of withdrawal is going to feel like a rush. It's going to feel Yeah. But it's it's really breaking it down to what is actually happening to you rather than letting the addictive part of the mind go, "Oh, it's going to be so great. It was going to be such a rush." Because I remember we used to use that term when we were young. We'd be like, "What a rush. What a rush." And it was always like this positive thing, you know, like this this is a goal. We like this. What a rush. We said that as teenagers all the time, you know. I don't know if you guys said it over in your area, but we said that all the time, you know, as a very positive thing, you know. But yeah.
Yeah, just got to get break it down, you know.
I think it's as well just like taking into account the package deal of like, okay, let's say it is a rush. Let's say it's this this rush that you get from watching porn. Okay, let's say it is. Well, then what? Okay, like what's the package deal? Because there's going to be a come down. Then you're going to have more desire and then you're going to want this rush even more than you did before you got the rush originally.
Yeah.
Now you've also got shame and now you've also got loneliness. Now you also feel annoyed with yourself and you're tired and you're exhausted and you've wasted some time and and the list goes on and on and on and it's really thinking through all of that and going, actually, Jesus, like that that's not that's not a good deal, right? It is a deal. You got to see like that.
Yeah. For that little rush, right? You know, then you get a whole bunch of [ __ ]. Yeah. You get a rush of [ __ ].
Yeah.
Yeah. Because the addictive part of the mind will get you feeling like, okay, this is just going to be a rush. and then it's going to be fine afterwards and I can just crack on with my life and I'll move on right away. But that's never the reality when it comes to addiction. You want to do it more if you choose to engage. It's uh insatiable the desires just how it works.
Yeah.
All right. Do a few more then.
I'm not deprived so I'll go and watch porn today. That's an interesting one because it's using language from the script but it's so important to me.
It's common.
Yeah. It's like, okay, well, yeah, you're not deprived and and yeah, you can go and watch porn today, but then we also need the consequences there, right? And there's some very severe consequences. Again, package deal. Yeah. All right. Should we do another one?
Um, you failed in the last programs you were in. This one won't work for you either.
Um, well, fortunately, it has worked. Um, so far so good.
Yeah.
So, yeah. I mean, let's say you've not, you know, things haven't worked out for you in the past. Well, chances are the education you received in the past was totally different to the education you'd receive by the Beyond Compulsion method. And it's just past thinking and it's trying to get you to doubt yourself and feel anxious like there's something wrong with me, you know? Oh, it's not worked out for me in the past. Even though I've paid like tens of thousands of dollars or however much to like try and solve this problem, now this one's going to work either. But the past has nothing to do with your present moment and it has nothing to do with your future either. So really knowing that it's important.
This method is completely the opposite of everything out there that people have probably tried, you know, a bajillion things, you know, it's like this is completely different, you know, it's not I mean, we talk about that all the time. It's not going to be we're teaching completely the opposite of everything that is available.
Yeah. Which to me is a good thing because we have a completely out of control addiction epidemic. So, it's time for something new, right? Help is here, man.
New help.
I had a on that point, I had a message right from my friends this week and she said this was earlier today. This was this morning actually at quarter to 10. She said, "Hey Tom, I hope you're having a good week. It was so nice seeing you on Sunday. You always know the right thing to say at the right time and I really appreciate you." Lovely, lovely message, right? Uh, she she is class to be fair. She's a genuinely really good friend.
Next message.
Just wondering if you have any recommended reading on addiction or addiction therapy or podcast or YouTube videos but then in brackets aside from yours of course. I'm like, what the [ __ ] What do you mean aside from ours?
Yeah. Right.
Why you want to listen to anyone else? Yeah.
I know. But like.
And you know, and speaking of uh the call that interrupted us a couple times, I'm now seeing just the beginning of the voice message. This is coming in from Israel. Uh, and she says, "I've been listening to that pod the podcast that you've been putting out and I can't see the rest of it." So, somebody is calling us from Israel. She's addressing me by name. Hi, Mary. My name is I won't say her name. I've been listening to the podcast that you've been putting out. So, I'll I'll listen to the voice message after, but I thought it was just a spam call interrupting our recording, but it's actually somebody from Israel listening to our podcast. So, be interesting to see who she is and what she wants.
Yeah.
Yeah. Well.
Stuff.
I think uh the main thing is yeah, what we do is different. It's uh is very unique. And
I think that's good to know for anyone who's a bit worried because maybe they've been burnt in previous programs and things haven't worked out. It's understandable. Probably expect that.
I said it. I've said it before. Can I say it one more time?
Yeah. Yeah.
For those that's junky thinking. "I've always failed before," right? You're not the failure. The methods are the failure. So don't give up because the methods have failed you. Because not only are they failing you, but they're they they have a way of getting you in deeper. You know, all the nofap streaks, whatever. There's so many ways. I'm not going to go into them right now on how these treatments make compulsive behavior worse. So, do don't take it personally and don't blame yourself and know that there actually is effective help. So.
Yeah.
Absolutely. Definitely. It's really important to know that. Um, final junkie thought just to talk through and you can see this list was very extensive. You know, there were a lot of thoughts here.
Oh man, you are stressed. Take off the edge with porn. Again, porn causes a lot of stress. Um, and really what you want in that moment is some temporary relief from some discomfort.
Okay? And if you use porn, if you engage in porn to relieve stress, whatever caused that stress, you know, could be a million different things. That's still going to be the same stress. That's not it certainly is not going to solve a problem that is stressing you out. And now you get all the stress of relapsing into your porn addiction. So now it's it's going to cause stress. It's not going to relieve stress. It's that's such standard junky thinking, but again, all the methodologies out there are going to point to your stress. It's your stress. Stress is what makes you want to engage in any addiction, not just porn. So.
Yeah.
Deal with your stress and somehow, you know, you're not going to want to do it anymore. Same same [ __ ] you know, same old same old. Yeah.
Yeah. I hope doing this podcast can get across a little bit about our method and how we work and how we actually look at the thought patterns and correct them and deal with them so you can change your neural pathways. A lot of information on the internet is focused on pretty much doing the opposite, which is distracting yourself from these desires, you know, trying to install blockers and removing triggers and staying super busy and doing all random self-improvement [ __ ] that has nothing to do with these thought patterns. So we're here to change that paradigm and provide a real tool so people can get free from if they.
And you know with this education and with this focus on the thinking the indepth, you know, really focusing on where things are going wrong in your thinking because that is going to dramatically affect the way that you feel and I haven't met one person stuck in an in an addiction that doesn't just feel like [ __ ] So, it's like you want to change the way you feel and that's going to dramatically um change everything. But changing the thoughts is is is where we start, you know, changing the thoughts that'll change the way you feel and that's going to affect the way that you act or or your ability to act in a different way.
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, if you do want to learn the Beyond Compulsion method and use the exact same method as myself and get a very specific five-fact script and the actual specific template which is based on two about two and a half hours at the minute of video content that Mary teaches. Bring all of that together, work with us quite closely inside the Beyond Compulsion Academy and yeah, basically solve this problem once and for all with that script. Then head to the description, you'll find a link to the Beyond Compulsion Academy. Thank you for listening. Hopefully this can help you out a little bit and we'll see you in the next one. Bye-bye.
Thank you.